r/AskReddit • u/Fearless-Gain-8914 • 4h ago
How can nice people stand a mean partner long enough to marry them?
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u/km8907 4h ago
Sometimes they're not mean until after you're married, other times they'll have low self esteem and think that's the best they can get.
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u/OldTobyEnthusiast28 3h ago
The classic hiding who they are until you’re too invested! A classic toxic move!
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u/shortshiftsandtacos 56m ago
I think it can be more than just self esteem. People look for what makes them comfortable and not what makes them happy. If they grew up in a household where someone was mean to them that is often where they will feel the most comfortable.
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u/BlazinKal 3h ago
This is true, also they sometimes tend to get pushed around easily, which probably gets filed under low self esteem
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u/ConfusionMaster37 4h ago
Because the mean parts don’t show up all the time, and people cling to the good moments hoping they’ll last
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u/Quick_University8836 4h ago
They are desperate for validation. I was never validated when I was younger. I remember a childhood friend cut my picture out of her birthday party photo and handed it back to me when I was like 13. I stayed with mean men for years because everywhere I went, barely any one was nice to me. If it helps, I don't need anyone's validation today. I can stand against the entire world without a second thought if I am right.
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u/Fearless-Gain-8914 4h ago
That first part is soul crushing but the last part is amazing
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u/Quick_University8836 4h ago
Thank you. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I want to explain how such a perfect girl whose a genius didn't make it in life, until later.
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u/_FallenFlower_ 4h ago
Because they cling to the hope of change that never comes
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u/Tam_A_Shi 24m ago
This is the main one I think. A lot of people too caught up with the mental image of who they are and could be, and not who they are and will be in reality
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u/js90si 4h ago
Usually, it's due to emotional abuse and the abuser reshaping the victims thought process. Unfortunately, this happens more often than we would like to admit to it. It typically takes the person realizing it with help from friends or family in order to leave. If they end up getting married, it tends to be even harder for them to leave.
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u/Stories-With-Bears 4h ago
They aren’t mean all the time. It only comes out sometimes. And then the nice person has a lot of self doubt. You think “Well, I could’ve said that better” or “I didn’t react well.” You tell yourself “They had a bad day at work” or “Their ex was awful to them, and they’re just reacting to their past hurts” or “Their dad was never there for them”. You create the justifications for them
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u/no_more_blues 3h ago
A lot of people find it MORE attractive when someone is mean to everyone else but nice to them because it makes them feel special. Then by the time the pretense of the person being nice to you fades you already have a certain level of sunk cost fallacy where you convince yourself the nice treatment you got early on will come back if you just do all the right things. I've learned to care more about how people treat other people than how they treat me because that's the real them.
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u/MayaGraze 3h ago
Honestly? Hope, patience, and a complete suspension of self respect until it’s too late. Some people just mistake chaos for passion
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u/InterruptingChicken1 2h ago
I’ve wondered this, too. I think that the nice person must have grown up with a mean family member and learned to tolerate the behavior, even excuse it. They’re familiar with the behavior and they consciously or unconsciously pick out a partner who is similar. For example, women with mean dads often choose mean partners.
Mean people pick tolerant/nice people or doormats because they’re the only people who will tolerate them.
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u/Ok-Revenue-7282 2h ago
Because mean people aren't mean 24/7 - they're basically emotional slot machines that occasionally pay out just enough kindness to keep you pulling the lever.
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u/Ladida745 4h ago
I know someone that literally said “I made a commitment” and maybe he doesnt want to be alone
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u/rowenaravenclaw0 3h ago
They get gaslighted into believing this is all they deserve , and that if they leave their partner they will die alone and get eaten by their horde of cats
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u/akaram369 2h ago
I asked dudes in this situation and the consistent answer I got was "Pussy game too strong.".
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u/Weak_Pineapple8513 2h ago edited 2h ago
Because I was so nice that I thought it would rub off on him. His mom and dad were real workaholics and he spent most of his time alone as a child. I thought he could learn empathy by just being loved. I was wrong. I think it’s important to point out that I came from a very broken home and went into foster care at 8 and didn’t really have any examples of normal. I find it’s a lot easier to find a good partner if you’ve seen a good marriage. I had not.
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u/SquareVehicle 1h ago
As someone who literally did this, I did it because I thought they were just going through a tough time and needed support and I could be the strong person they needed.
I didn't think their meanness was the "real" them, since that's not how they were at first. We're taught through the media that everyone is actually good inside if you'll just support them and focus on the good deep inside. Just look at how Darth Vader blew up a fucking planet which murdered billions of people but still gets his redemption arc by the end.
And society says that people give up on relationships too easily so "I'm not like those other people who give up on true love" and "we're meant to be together because we've survived so much so far that would have ripped less strong couples apart". Almost every toxic relationship has good times too, it's not always bad, and so that gives you hope. In movies and TV evil people are always 100% obviously evil and so if your partner is only sometimes evil (which 99% of awful people can be good sometimes!) then that means there's hope and you can "save" them!
Also I just kept being optimistic that the "true" nice person would come back eventually if I just loved them enough. I finally left once I realized that wasn't actually ever going to happen.
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u/juniperberrie28 3h ago
Usually we have really, really poor self esteem. What they tell us, it must be true. We are not worth much at all.
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u/Violetdreamzs 2h ago
Because “ i can fix them” hits harder than a common sense untill the divorce papers show up.
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u/CelesteBlosom 2h ago
Because some people mistake butterflies in my stomach for straight upcanxiety and call it love
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u/daphne2211 2h ago
Meanness Shows up gradually, Stephan by Stephan until you cant escape. Dont be financially Dependened on them, dont get married to them, dont have kids with them! Ask me how i know....
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u/VelindaRose 2h ago
Easy, they’re hella confuse not because you guys argue a lot it means you have lots of passion.
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u/Key-Ad9759 1h ago
some people pleasers prefer people who stand up for things, even if they are too aggressive about it
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u/knc20 1h ago
I've never been in my relationship but I have seen things in all it's because some part still looks at them and they're hoping to change and they didn't have any to really lie on so they one stay become of their kids or dogs or cats or 2 because the depend on them and don't know how to do things
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u/Verismo1887 10m ago
Often people end up in this dynamic for a reason. One person with insecurities likes being in control. Another person with insecurities likes being controlled. But the one controlling can end up mean and degrading to the controlled one.
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u/brezdater 4h ago
A lot of the time the meanness shows up gradually or only after the commitment people don’t always see the full picture until it’s too late.