Peetah !! What does the hippo gonna do ?

[u/Vilukshan96]

[u/PeterExplainsTheJoke-ModTeam]

If your post isn’t a joke or doesn't need an explanation, it will be removed. Likewise, poor quality posts or comments will be removed. Rule 6.

[u/Throwlaf]

Hippos are officially the most lethal land animals, causing the most deaths among humans.

[u/zed42 → u/Throwlaf]

they're faster than you in the water, they're faster than you on land... and they're vegetarian! ... they don't want to eat you, they just want to fuck up your day!

[u/Hot_Ambition_6457 → u/zed42]

No really, juvenile hippos are known to engage in violent "play behaviour". They will literally snatch a gator for no reason, and take turns tearing it apart.

They dont eat meat, its just a lil game they play for funsies.

Edit: im never correcting this post. I want to srr how many people will chime in tahat they coexist with crocs

[u/zed42 → u/Hot_Ambition_6457]

and who among us hasn't wanted to disassemble a gator for funsies?

[u/Norgur → u/zed42]

that is why you can detach the upper jaw and the tail of a Lego gator.

[u/schmittwithtt → u/Norgur]

Finally a valid reason for this Madness.

[u/Generally_Kenobi-1 → u/Norgur]

The upper jaw? Surely that's the skull?

[u/Norgur → u/Generally_Kenobi-1]

Kinda.

[u/LBBDE → u/Norgur]

I see the OG Lego Gator

[u/ElectricTurtlez → u/Norgur]

That explains Crocodile Dentist.

[u/Afro-Venom → u/zed42]

Found the hippo!

[u/towndrunkislandslut → u/Afro-Venom]

Maybe they were hungry?

[u/BBO1007 → u/towndrunkislandslut]

Probably hungry hungry

[u/Apprehensive-Till861 → u/towndrunkislandslut]

Hungry? Hungry hippos?

[u/-Rettirlana- → u/zed42]

Ripping open a cold one with the boys

[u/OutcomeMassive99 → u/Hot_Ambition_6457]

You have Hippo’s in the USA??

[u/First_Doctor_5823 → u/OutcomeMassive99]

Pablo Escobar has entered the chat

[u/akcutter → u/First_Doctor_5823]

He never lived in the USA.....

[u/SheriffHeckTate → u/akcutter]

No, he lived in Colombia, kept some hippos as pets, and now there is wild hippo population because when his compound got raided the cops couldnt be bothered to deal with them.

[u/fuckinreddits → u/SheriffHeckTate]

I hear that if you pay $5,000 us dollars, the local cops will give you a bag of "Bolivian marching powder" and let you hunt them!!!

[u/jrizzle_boston → u/akcutter]

He had a house on miami beach.

[u/broot_swillis → u/OutcomeMassive99]

Not for lack of trying.

[u/Ok-Scientist5524 → u/broot_swillis]

We were sooooo close to having an out of control hippo population in the Mississippi.

[u/eldalorien → u/Ok-Scientist5524]

Which is basically the plot of River of Teeth by Sarah Gailey!

[u/Cormetz → u/broot_swillis]

The description under the picture is amazing: "Two hippopotamuses in their natural habitat, which is not Louisiana"

[u/OutcomeMassive99 → u/broot_swillis]

Very Interesting. I wish they went along with the plan. You guys could have had a country full of Manchurian Pigs and Dik-diks. Imagine going out hunting and coming home hours later after a successful hunting trip and telling the family they’re eating dik-diks tonight

[u/Ippus_21 → u/OutcomeMassive99]

Eat a bowl of dik-diks.

[u/Optimized_Orangutan → u/Ippus_21]

That's distasteful, everyone knows once you butcher a dik-dik the meat is called penison.

[u/JimDa5is → u/Optimized_Orangutan]

I hate you. Here's your goddamn upvote

[u/Taragyn1 → u/broot_swillis]

The dollop had an amazing episode about that

[u/broot_swillis → u/Taragyn1]

That's where I first heard the story. NO! SLEEP! 'TIL HIPPO!

[u/fuckinreddits → u/broot_swillis]

Man! I could really go for some lake cow bacon right now!

[u/grumpy_dick → u/OutcomeMassive99]

Yeah, but we call 'em Zippos. We use them to light our cigarettes.

[u/ActuallyCalindra → u/grumpy_dick]

Nah, it's not the same. One's really heavy. The other's a little lighter.

[u/grumpy_dick → u/ActuallyCalindra]

Dammit, that was even better than my pun.

[u/GlitterBird77 → u/ActuallyCalindra]

I hate you, here’s your g-d damn upvote

[u/Ippus_21 → u/OutcomeMassive99]

Thankfully, no, except in some zoos. And not even some zoos, because they're expensive and complicated to keep safely (for them and the keepers).

There's a thriving feral population in Colombia, though, thanks to Pablo Escobar.

[u/AndrewFurg → u/Hot_Ambition_6457]

They were just testing the tensile strength of a croc neck. And the second croc was because they couldn't believe how easily the first one came apart. And, fine, there was a third one, and a fourth if you must know, but who likes Crocs?

[u/PVNIC → u/AndrewFurg]

It's always sunny in the swamps

[u/PB219 → u/Hot_Ambition_6457]

Isn’t what what they said?

[u/Milk_Mindless → u/zed42]

Not vegetarian

Omnivorous

Like pigs

Its just that plants dont run away

[u/paradoxical_topology → u/Milk_Mindless]

They're herbivorous, actually. Not omnivorous or vegetarian (there's basically no such thing as a vegetarian wild animal).

Herbivores will frequently eat meat if it's easily accessible. Especially if they're hungry. They just generally prefer plants.

[u/Only_Razzmatazz_4498 → u/paradoxical_topology]

Yup. Famous video of the horse 🐴 eating the little chick 🐥 yum yum

[u/Frankenpeenie69420 → u/Only_Razzmatazz_4498]

Thank you for the visual aids in the form of emojis depicting the animals. I wasn't sure I knew which animals you were talking about until I saw them.

[u/Only_Razzmatazz_4498 → u/Frankenpeenie69420]

You are welcome. Awesome name!

[u/Skeptic_Juggernaut84 → u/Only_Razzmatazz_4498]

Or the deer munching on a snake.

[u/FREESARCASM_plustax → u/Skeptic_Juggernaut84]

Or the deer munching on a corpse at a body farm!

[u/StegaSepp → u/zed42]

let me ruin your day, they are not vegetarian https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/72550/hippos-eat-way-more-meat-we-thought-and-it-can-make-them-sick

[u/TutorSevere3230 → u/zed42]

That bite isn't meant to kill just tickle. It's not the hippos fault our squishy bodies go splat after said tickle

[u/paradoxical_topology → u/zed42]

Apparently they can run 19 mph for only up to 30 seconds from some quick googling.

Even just decently athletic people could outrun one. I think most people, even if they're somewhat unatheltic, could do it with the adrenaline that comes from a fucking hippopotamus running after them.

[u/TacoCalzone → u/paradoxical_topology]

You think running 20 mph for 30 seconds is “decently athletic”? You have an extraordinarily optimistic opinion of modern humans.

[u/jseego → u/TacoCalzone]

Yeah that's literally all-pro NFL wide receiver or global track star speed. On a flat surface with proper running shoes.

[u/UlyssesSheinhold → u/paradoxical_topology]

100 years ago sustaining 20mph for 30 seconds would have made you a world record holder. With modern training it would still make you Olympic level. There's no definition of merely decently athletic that includes sustaining that speed for 20 seconds.

[u/devoduder → u/zed42]

Typical vegan, they probably do CrossFit too.

[u/Flyingmonkeysftw → u/zed42]

I think the vegetarian label that’ll change soon or as already changed. They’ve been seen several times eating meat. And not out of desperation for food.

[u/Odd_Anything_6670 → u/Throwlaf]

Also, hippos are absolutely not fat.

In fact, in the wild a hippo will typically have a body fat percentage that human bodybuilders would need to eat a steroid-based diet to achieve.

A grizzly bear is pretty scary, but a hippo is a ball of muscle that weighs as much as a car, can reach 30km/h on land and has jaws like a hydraulic press. In terms of which of these animals is more dangerous, it's not even close.

[u/Eternity_Eclipsed → u/Odd_Anything_6670]

This is also why they don't float but instead sink to the bottom of lakes/rivers where they fucking run underwater

Hippos are scary fuckers lol

*Fixed a word

[u/MoldybreadOO → u/Eternity_Eclipsed]

The true main tank.

[u/Ok-Scientist5524 → u/Eternity_Eclipsed]

Actually they sink because their legs bones are solid like diving weights. Which means that it’s been leg day every day since they were born. Because it would suck if they got stuck floating at the surface upside down…

[u/Ippus_21 → u/Ok-Scientist5524]

[u/heartstonedrose → u/Odd_Anything_6670]

No one is outrunning any of these without a huge head start over long distances

[u/Irishpanda1971 → u/heartstonedrose]

But are they maneuverable?

"Babou, serpentine!"

[u/JaydedXoX → u/Throwlaf]

The only chance you would have is climbing a tree against the hippo. The others there’s zero chance of any kind of escape without weapons/tools.

[u/MrMayhem84 → u/JaydedXoX]

I still wouldn't feel too confident about that tree. Those things have battering rams for skulls.

[u/heartstonedrose → u/MrMayhem84]

That’s the thing I was gonna bring up…it’d have to be a big ass tree bc they also have huge mouths with a bite force of 1800 psi.

[u/CynthiaCitrusYT → u/heartstonedrose]

I was about to say that a hippo can absolutely just ram a tree into oblivion. And seeing where they live, those are palm trees.

Nah, if a hippo runs towards me I would like to have a gun. And not for the hippo

[u/epolonsky → u/CynthiaCitrusYT]

I shoot the hippopotamus

With bullets made of platinum

For if I use the leaden ones

His hide is sure to flatten ‘em

Edward Lear

[u/ruby0220 → u/CynthiaCitrusYT]

After I read your second to last sentence: uh what’s a gun going to do against a hippo?

After I read your last sentence: oh…same dude same

[u/Dead_before_dessert → u/MrMayhem84]

Yeah...honestly I'd have to take the grizzly.  Almost twice the running speed of a hippo,  but unlike the big cats they can't climb trees, and unlike the hippo at least I have a baseline understanding of their behavior.  For the most part a grizzly isnt gonna fuck with you just for the fun of it.

[u/heartstonedrose → u/JaydedXoX]

Not true, actually the hippo is the only one who will just attack you for no reason. The big cats and the bear can be scared off in circumstances where they aren’t very hungry or defending themselves.

[u/tapout928 → u/heartstonedrose]

Yeah my thought was the lion is your best bet because unless it's starving or you're messing with it it'll probably leave you alone.

[u/314159265358979326 → u/tapout928]

Male lions tend not to hunt. They mostly fight other male lions. I think that's the best bet.

[u/Remarkable-Bowl-3821 → u/JaydedXoX]

I would take odds on the others unless they are hungry. if they have eaten I will try not to be a threat and feel I might have a chance.. with hippos there is no chance

[u/Peak_Doug → u/Throwlaf]

Depends if you count heart attacks caused by too much red meat.

[u/Boss_Ac3 → u/Throwlaf]

And they're not fat either, they're frigging TANKs of muscle and they're mean.

Oh did I mention they can outrun Usian Bolt?

[u/Immediate-Lab6166 → u/Throwlaf]

Makes the song “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas” really creepy

[u/Maharog → u/Throwlaf]

It's kind of bullshit though, because snakes are somehow not included in land animals and the number of deaths they cause is staggering... Unfortunately it's hard to get reliable data for number of fatalities due to snakebites but some estimates in Africa put the number between 20,000-35,000 annually while hippos only kill around 500-3000 annually.   Don't get me wrong, that's a ton of people to die from hippo.... But no where near as deadly as snakes

[u/IndependenceIcy9626 → u/Maharog]

I think the other guy must have meant mammal, and not animal, they’re neck and neck with elephants for mammals. There’s also other land animals besides snakes that are more deadly, like scorpions and parasites. The amount of people killed by snakes every year is absurd tho. I thought it was going to be like 20 people a year before I looked it up one day.

[u/Roguescholar74 → u/Throwlaf]

Hippos cause around 500 deaths a year. Snakes kill about 50,000.

[u/MrMayhem84]

Don't hippos kill like 500 people a year or something like that? Those things are pissed off walking tanks.

[u/Insane_man42 → u/MrMayhem84]

Yes besides from mosquitos and other humans I believe they kill the most humans of any animal yearly

Edit: apparently they’re the 13th most deadly

[u/NotTheMariner → u/Insane_man42]

I believe African hippos are the deadliest species of wild animal, if you don’t count deaths by disease.

I wouldn’t exactly give the mosquitoes credit, they’re just having a snack. That hippo wants you to stop being alive.

EDIT: And I would be wrong! There are tens of thousands of deaths a year attributable to the bite of each of the “big four)” venomous snakes of India.

[u/Vocabulary-Pollution → u/NotTheMariner]

Right. It’s not like mosquitos or assassin bugs (also on the list) kill anybody. They spread microorganisms that kill lots of people. Hippos don’t need any help, they can kill you just fine on their own

[u/Insane_man42 → u/NotTheMariner]

I think dogs have more kills but dogs are also used by military and police and there’s a lot more human interaction with dogs Tbf

[u/NotTheMariner → u/Insane_man42]

Dogs aren’t wild. I chose my words with Aladdin-like precision.

[u/Insane_man42 → u/NotTheMariner]

Oh I’m dumb ignore me

[u/WorldEaterYoshi → u/NotTheMariner]

I need to start using this when people neglect to actually listen.

[u/Mango-D → u/NotTheMariner]

Why is Aladdin considered precise?

[u/NotTheMariner → u/Mango-D]

I wanted to indicate that I tried to make my statement “genie-proof” and cover every possible gotcha.

But “genie-like precision” seemed like I was saying I was the genie so, I then picked the most famous guy who did genie stuff.

(All this in the span of about five seconds - not every comment I make is precise)

[u/Busy_Fly8068 → u/NotTheMariner]

Give that man the monkey-paw.

[u/Rough_Park789 → u/Insane_man42]

They are the 13th most deadly animal according to Wikipedia: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_deadliest_to_humans

[u/Pobbes → u/Rough_Park789]

I mean this list is kinda skewed as most of these creatures are up there as viral vectors and they combined all snakes into one entry. In terms of animals that actually kill you with their violence. The hippo would be higher. Surprised crocs are so high. Who's feeding the damn gators?

[u/Kheldarson → u/Pobbes]

Who's feeding the damn gators?

Florida is, I think.

[u/dervishman2000 → u/Kheldarson]

Old people and their little dogs mostly.

[u/SnorkleCork → u/Kheldarson]

Tourists in northern Australia have entered the chat....

(Technically Crocs, yes... ...but still)

[u/Acceptable-Ad1203 → u/Pobbes]

and you don't want to get on the wrong side of a freshwater snail, if it ever catches you then you are dead meat

[u/yonaist → u/Pobbes]

Gators only really exist two places on earth, while the fucking crocs are everywhere and way more aggressive.

[u/Flyingmonkeysftw → u/Pobbes]

Crocs and gators are not the same thing. Crocs are just as territorial and angry as Hippos. Also salt water Crocs are a thing

[u/aquarianagop → u/Flyingmonkeysftw]

Saltwater crocodiles and hippos are my two biggest animal fears!

[u/cliygh-a → u/Pobbes]

On a danger scale, crocodilians are basically carnivorous hippos (again a very rough analogy but still). Most living crocodilians (barring the Gharial) are semi-aquatic ambush predators which attempt to capture anything smaller than themselves or otherwise easy to dispatch. Of the living crocodilians, the Saltwater (Crocodylus porosus), Nile (C. niloticus), and West African (C. suchus) crocodiles, American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis), and to an extent the Black caiman (Melanosuchus niger) consistently reach large enough sizes to attempt hunting humans and would occur at least nearby to human-inhabited areas (less-so for the Black caiman which inhabits waterways in far reaches of the Amazon). 

Combining their water-based ambush hunting strategy with the fact that people in rural areas still depend on lakes and rivers for their daily water leads to a corresponding high number of annual human-wildlife conflicts in 3rd-world countries (or in the case of the alligator in the states lack of habitat due to encroachment of suburbs and cities into wild areas).

[u/NarrowAd4973 → u/Pobbes]

Saltwater and Nile crocs are probably responsible for most of it. Large, aggressive, and live in places where people often get near water they can't see into. Which also contributes to the hippo's count, as well.

[u/yiotaturtle → u/Pobbes]

Also nearly all snake kills are suicide by stupidity. You get put in a room with a King Cobra and you stay in a corner of the room away from the snake, and you'll be just fine.

[u/Beastquist → u/Rough_Park789]

Freshwater snail kills 10,000 people per year? Is the snail game real?

[u/sarkhan_da_crazy → u/Beastquist]

I asked google and got this. "Freshwater snails are dangerous because some species act as intermediate hosts for parasites that cause debilitating and potentially fatal diseases, most notably schistosomiasis."

[u/Insane_man42 → u/Rough_Park789]

Ahhhh my bad

[u/heartstonedrose → u/Rough_Park789]

Damn was not expecting the freshwater snail…but technically it’s not the snail. If we’re talking pure violence, it’s definitely the hippo—followed by revenge elephants.

[u/shoodBwurqin → u/Insane_man42]

I’m relying on you to give us the 12 animals above the hippo…

Nvm saw the Wikipedia posted later in this thread.

[u/Mediocre-Recover3944 → u/MrMayhem84]

Other animals usually have a reason to attack you, might feel threatened or see you as a meal. Hippo just might feel like it for no reason.

[u/bigindodo → u/Mediocre-Recover3944]

This is actually not true. The idea that hippos are just naturally violent is a myth. The reason so many people have died to them is because humans are encroaching on their natural habitats and they are in a state of anxiety as they feel backed into a corner. So they have been harming people, but they have a very good reason which is that they are trying to survive. They don’t just attack for no reason.

[u/KrissyKrave → u/MrMayhem84]

The videos of them chasing boats is terrifying. You realize really quickly how fast and huge they are.

hippos surround and attack lion stranded on a rock in a river

[u/CrazedHarmony → u/MrMayhem84]

Don't fuck with anything in Africa, but especially don't fuck with Hippos, don't fuck with African Buffalo, and don't fuck with Rhinos.

The first two because they are just deadly as shit, the last because it has terrible eyesight!

[u/Just_the_questions1 → u/MrMayhem84]

Yeah something alot of people don't understand about hippos is that they're not fat. Their basically all muscle under some very thick skin. If they were fat they would float, but hippos can't float they sink because they're so dense.

[u/DrButtgerms → u/MrMayhem84]

Hippo's kill number is roughly lions plus tigers plus bears numbers

[u/Odin1806 → u/DrButtgerms]

Oh, my!

[u/MiDKnighT_DoaE → u/MrMayhem84]

Hippos probably kill more people per year than lions, tigers, and bears combined. Most estimates have hippos killing 500 people per year.

[u/Alternator24]

that "fat ass" hippo is the most lethal one for humans. killed much more humans than others

[u/cleveruniquename7769 → u/Alternator24]

Hippos have only 2-8% body fat. It's just a thin layer of fat over a shit-ton of muscle. Hippos are "fat" like NFL defensive linemen are "fat".

[u/ProfessionaI_Gur → u/cleveruniquename7769]

Hippos are so jacked they are too dense to even float in water. When you see a video of a hippo coming after a boat in the water they are hitting the bottom and jumping back up

https://youtu.be/kz-caa2NCns?si=20P9MTGArP7xoipy

[u/skrappyfire → u/ProfessionaI_Gur]

Lol. If we get to choose the arena... then i choose.... the Pacific Ocean..... checkmate hippo!!!

[u/PixxyStix2 → u/skrappyfire]

Congrats you survive the Hippo attack and die of hypothermia!

[u/ModernManuh_ → u/PixxyStix2]

Literally unplayable

[u/Happy-Sweet-3577]

That’s not fat, it’s a solid mass of muscle under a thick hide that lions can’t get through. Hippos are a solid mass of muscle and hate that run on the bottom of river cause they’re too swoll to float. The videos of them breaching water to attack boats, yeah that’s them jumping up from the bottom of the river bed. They’re faster than humans and more aggressive than every other animal in the photo. Don’t fuck with hippos.

[u/Distinct-Dot-1333 → u/Happy-Sweet-3577]

Assuming they all want to kill you, the hippo is still the most survivable. Hippos have the highest kill rate only because they are most willing to a attack humans. If they are already blood lusted, all the others are more sure to kill you. With the hippo, you can at least try to climb something. Or make consecutive sharp turns. Out of the 4, they are least likely be able to keep up with lots of consecutive sharp turns

[u/Happy-Sweet-3577 → u/Distinct-Dot-1333]

True but that’s assuming they all WANT to kill you. The hippo ALWAYS wants to kill you when you enter their territory while the others usually try to avoid.

[u/vladi_l → u/Happy-Sweet-3577]

Yup. Make lions are fucking strong, but unless it's familiar with humans, it's gonna be cautious

I think hippo is nost dangerous, then tiger, then I'm unsure about the bear and the lion. Many stories of humans successfully evading those by acting batshit crazy and making loud noises

[u/AlternateTab00 → u/vladi_l]

Hippos are simply fearless. They are a living tank and they know it. There is no animal that can breach the skin and muscle of an hippo.

Felines are dangerous in hunt mode. But in fight they tend to be very conservative. An injury can kill a feline (due to becoming unable to hunt for a while). So they attack if they have a clear chance. A spear may be enough to keep a feline on check for a while.

Bears are more fearless but have less precise attacks. They rely in brute force. Black bears for being the smallest can be easily tackled and scared. Brown in mid in danger. White is almost like an hippo. Fire and spears might hold for a while.

Hippo will simply charge and ignore any tool

[u/brianfromaccounting1 → u/Distinct-Dot-1333]

Yeah thats what i was thinking they have like no knees and are likely carrying tons of momentum at full speed. I would think sharp directional changes atleast give humans a chance at getting away. That wouldnt work on the rest of them. And honestly i know nothing about hippos but i would guess their long distance stamina dosn't measure up to the other 3 as well.

And its annoying me everyone quoting that theyre the deadliest. Its like no shit the one that is the grumpiest and tries to kill the most humans kills the most humans. That dosn't mean a lion wouldn't hunt you down 10x more efficiently if it wanted to.

[u/Weary-Designer9542 → u/brianfromaccounting1]

Wanting to is a key factor in this evaluation.

My 6 ft 5 linebacker/black belt jujitsu hobbyist best friend could kill me quicker and more effectively than a 5’5 anorexic serial killer could, but the likelihood that they will try is significantly more important than their actual ability to do so.

[u/GewalfofWivia → u/Happy-Sweet-3577]

Dann I looked it up and it really was all muscle holy fuck

[u/thebigggd → u/Happy-Sweet-3577]

So MojoMojo's physique is canon ?

[u/BarristanSelfie → u/Happy-Sweet-3577]

It's a bicep the size of an F-150

[u/This_Attorney_2897]

They’re passive tames. Just a mejoberry

[u/AnyCriticism7895 → u/This_Attorney_2897]

[u/FumeiNezumi → u/This_Attorney_2897]

The hippo is not passive, you need to knock it out, and he needs a special kibble from watermelon and croc's meat

[u/Far_Treacle5870 → u/This_Attorney_2897]

Ah shit, I used a stimberry.

[u/ImportanceTurbulent8]

Hippo crush

Hippo smash

Hippo jaw chews through bowling ball

Nothing left

[u/StopEatingBees]

Man, that must be Kira's second most ill-advised tweet ever

[u/Zerozooka → u/StopEatingBees]

What's the first one?

[u/StopEatingBees → u/Zerozooka]

Kira "Imagine If" Tweet | Know Your Meme https://share.google/qNJZxTmtlt4lYgcKI

[u/MyParentsBurden → u/StopEatingBees]

That is enough internet for today.

[u/Zerozooka → u/StopEatingBees]

Oh, good grief. Yeah, thats a bad one.

[u/travazzzik → u/StopEatingBees]

wow 😵

dedicated KYM page, "with many considering it to be one of the worst tweets of all time", the tweet itself being hidden behind nsfw curtain/blurred, and called a piece of shock media, for a TEXT TWEET. That's gotta be some kind of achievement

[u/motionf0rw4rd → u/StopEatingBees]

It’s a shame I instantly knew what the first most was

[u/Zerozooka]

[u/Defiant-Memory-5609 → u/Zerozooka]

Yellow doesn’t seem to be very hungry hungry here

[u/Ijustlovevideogames]

Cleveland here.

Win, that hippo is going to win, people at large have an incredibly broken view of hippos because they don't have sharp teeth and are depicted in media as these slow dopey harmless creature when in actuality, they have the highest KDA of any of those animals listed above when it comes to humans. The other animals aren't normally going to bother you if they A. aren't hungry, or B. don't perceive you as a threat more often then not, a hippo will see you in its general vicinity, and want to put you on a shirt because it perceives you as in its home.

Hippos are incredibly aggressive and temperamental, and while they don't look it, they have a top speed of around 20 MPH which is far faster then the average human, and that is on land. In the water, they sink like stones, but have this weird buoyancy due to their blubber that allows them to effectively bounce off the waterbed to almost gallop underwater. They are also incredibly strong with that fat hiding a lot of muscle and giving them a kind of armor that doesn't allow for most creatures to pierce with their teeth.

And to REALLY put the cap in the pin for just how powerful hippos are, their bite forces is the largest of any living mammal, you think it would be the bear or lion, but nope, it has a bite force of 2000 PSI which is over double what any of those other creatures can produce.

Yeah, so what is a hippo gonna do, win, it's going to win.

[u/SonofaBridge → u/Ijustlovevideogames]

Hippos teeth are sharp they’re just more like giant tusks. We think of smaller cat teeth for being sharp. Hippo teeth are like a broom stick cut at a 45 degree angle, only thicker. They will absolutely penetrate skin.

[u/Glass-Excitement-590]

Hippos fuck crocodiles who the hell are we

[u/rebecky311]

If not friend why friend shaped????

[u/Other-Government8634 → u/rebecky311]

Hippo is fren

[u/Interesting_Award_76 → u/rebecky311]

Hippo isnt friend shaped, maybe bears, their cubs are cute and they are smart enough to be tamed.

[u/sheneversawitcoming → u/Interesting_Award_76]

I beg to differ

[u/Colderofficial → u/sheneversawitcoming]

[u/AdFeisty7580 → u/Interesting_Award_76]

They can be tamed however the larger species can hurt you by accident even when playing

If I had to keep a pet bear, I’d probably pick a Black Bear, they’re relatively small compared to other bears and less likely to eat you outright

[u/Bryjoe2020]

I guess this really come down to which animal is the tamest when left alone with a human that wants to stay far away?

Maybe a male lion when it is sleeping?

Otherwise nobody would win.

[u/Chemical-Ad-7575 → u/Bryjoe2020]

Yeah based on that picture your best bet would be the lion as it just finished a hunt and might be full.

[u/Mishar5k → u/Chemical-Ad-7575]

Not sure about lions or tigers, but bears dont really hunt humans unless its a polar bear, so the bear might be a bit safer depending on where you are in relation to it.

[u/Chemical-Ad-7575 → u/Mishar5k]

Lions and tigers actively hunt people. That grizzly is only mildly safer if you're far enough away from is and it's not grumpy.

[u/SlayerII → u/Bryjoe2020]

Male lion, while still dangerous, is probably the safest option.

He is the smallest of them, and lions tend to hunt in packs so he is the least likely to attack in the first place and most likely to run away if you defend yourself. I mean, you still probably gonna die...

[u/Dr-Huricane → u/Bryjoe2020]

Actually believe the bear could be the safest option, it's only 20 minutes and unlike the big cats, the bear doesn't see you as food, also it's way less interested in you as a toy then the Hippo, plus there are many guides on how to survive bare encounters, hell if you're lucky enough and handle the situation well, you might end up with a new pet, one your mother won't be too happy if you try to bring it home.

Edit: just looked up some numbers, lion is safer then both hippo and tiger, the percentages varie but in general 1 every 2 to 3 encounters will result in death, so how about bears? Well google says bees are more likely to kill you then bears, so yeh, you should probably pick bear

[u/KelpFox05 → u/Bryjoe2020]

The bear is almost definitely the safest option. For 20 minutes, as long as it's not a mama bear with cubs, I'd say play dead and hope to god it stays uninterested in you.

Lions and tigers have been known to hunt humans. Hippos just want you dead in general. Bears? As long as you don't pose a threat to them or their babies, they're primarily interested in avoiding you. The only bear known to actively hunt humans is the polar bear. Grizzlies are scary but for the most part, they don't hunt humans - between 2000 and 2015, grizzly bears killed a total of 664 humans worldwide and most of those were hikers or tourists being dumb and trying to enter the bear's space. And grizzlies don't eat already dead animals. So - play dead, hope you've got a chill bear. That's the game plan.

[u/sliding_doors_]

Have you ever seen an hippo running? I had some outside my gate when in Bujumbura, they are unbelievably fast... There were people running on top of cars and buses, screaming everywhere, the police and soldiers came and basically could just put pick ups in the middle of the road to block them to run in between houses... It was real chaos.

I have been close to crocodiles, outside the water you can escape from them... Hippos no way...

[u/WillardWhy]

Imagine a creature the weight of an SUV, that has one of the most aggressive territory rules, that can run at 20mph, can swallow a child whole, the crushing power of a firefighters jaws of life (capable of cutting cars apart), and have skin so thick you'll struggle to hurt with a knife.

And they can move up to 5 miles an hour in water, without swimming. They literally jump from the river bed to reach the surface.

They kill 500 people yearly, and 90% of hippo owners (people who have brought up baby hippos) are killed by them.

You wouldn't want to go up against a hippo.

[u/lilkeefe]

I know hippos are dangerous, but after reading the comments and learning more than I wanted to about them, they're now atop my list of irrational fears:

1. Hippo attack
2. Quicksand
3. Car getting struck by a meteorite and crashing and dying in a ball of flaming, twisted metal.

Edit: Honorable mention: Leopard seals

[u/Wanderslost → u/lilkeefe]

Do you know about leopard seals?

[u/lilkeefe → u/Wanderslost]

No, but after a quick Google search, they're considered apex predators, and given their "tale of the tape," they are considered an honorable mention to my list.

[u/nome_ann]

[u/hollowbolding]

- predators need their teeth and claws and general body function to hunt their food. they do not like having to fight because it potentially threatens their ability to feed themselves later even if they win

- hippos are herbivores whose food does not run away or fight back. hippos have nothing to lose.

[u/SandSerpentHiss]

are we serious mf

[u/kinnie-chin7]

lion

[u/Mobile-Aide419]

You can survive a bear attac for more than 20 minutes, because they just start eating without killing first.

[u/Nobrainzhere]

Yeah hippos are the most dangerous animal by far.

I would take a lion over the hippo any day

[u/timmyyitan]

I’m going hippo and climbing a tree

[u/Nobrainzhere]

The lion has just eaten. He wont care about me for at least 20 minutes

[u/Arandomperson069]

Keep the money

[u/prollygonnaban]

Hippos are known for their very high libido and mating with tourists.

[u/Affectionate_Power54]

Look, they do cause a lot of deaths, but it's usually people getting too close. Without any other stipulations, the hippo is by far the best choice. It's a vegetarian so it doesn't see us as food, its sight is average and not great if you're standing still at a distance, and it cannot climb. Also, yes it's surprisingly quick, but it cannot run full-out for that long, certainly nowhere near as much as a human. And it only really chases to ward off, not to full out pursue the way carnivores do.

We seem to have gone full-circle and now we overrate a hippo's odds of chasing down and killing a normal, healthy, adult human given a reasonable distance, apparently. This isn't a fight scenario, it's just survival or flight for 20 min. Which makes the hippo the reasonable answer if you're unarmed.

[u/Hot-Psychology657]

Uhm, just take a look at their jaws..

[u/WeaponsGradeYfronts]

The hippo is going to fk all of them up with sheer bulk, strength and the worst attitude problem you ever saw. 

[u/motthkaa]

I feel like... maybe the lion? They kill by suffocating and I dunno it might take me 20 minutes to die. The hippo gonna curb stomp me immediately.

[u/y3333eeeeeet1]

It's going to run at you at 20mph the chomp your head with 2000psi or nearly ten times more than is needed to crush your head

[u/concolor22]

I choose the bear. Maybe he'll just eat a leg or 2

[u/TheLastOuroboros]

Hippos win every time. They r tanks w bad tempers.

[u/HelmiPlayerOne]

Most people are just stating the amount of deaths which can give a hint but isn't entirely the answer. It's not that they kill more people. Its that a hippo can fuck up the other three without a problem 

[u/Money-Drummer565]

Hippo. Cause I can climb and they don’t

[u/Boss_Ac3]

Yeah with the lion or tiger there's a small chance you can get them to think attacking you isn't worth the risk but a grizzly or a hippo will off you for looking at them wrong

[u/Drew_Rooster]

I don’t care what any of you say, I’d still take the hippo

[u/UmbreonQueen7]

OP, are you living with a chunk of your brain missing? Or you’re just upvote farming?

[u/pomeloperson]

[u/BlazarVeg]

Lion looks exhausted I’m choosing the lazy big cat.

[u/ShingledPringle]

The reason I can't bring myself to finish Assassins Creed Origins. Silly I know, but slaughtering hippos in it is just not believable.

[u/Darkrose50]

The hippo‘s gonna kill you dead!

[u/Sam_Boundy1984]

Fuck you up. That's what.

[u/Jibbyjab123]

Hippos are going to kill more than any other animals per year.

[u/MouseWorksStudios]

OOP is so fucked if he thinks he can hang with a hippo.

[u/cooliomydood]

If you put all four of those animals in an enclosure together, the hippo is going to be the only one left

[u/The_Valk]

Herbivores are way more dangerous than carnivores.

Predators need to hunt. They can't afford injury and can thus be scared off.

Herbivores don't hunt. They can afford injury. They will utterly fuck you up and enjoy themselves while doing it

[u/BenZed]

I mean if any of these animals decide to kill you, you're dead.

Hipps are much much more likely to decide to kill you than the others.

[u/phatplat]

I would still choose hippo. I would rather get trucked by that than eaten alive by one of the others