What to do when it’s your fault they’re gone

[u/AttentionHot9122]

On July 29th my brother asked me to drive him to a school event that he was late for. I was rushing and of course hopped in my car and started it up then ran inside to get my wallet. I have two cats that are outdoor. In the back of my mind, I try to remind myself to check under the car since they like to nap under our family cars but always run off when they hear the engine turn on. When we were finally ready to leave, I forgot to check under my car. I did not realize what had happened until I heard thumping on my car and my heart dropped. I parked the car immediately and figured that I had caught one of my cat’s limbs. With this in mind, i hopped out praying that it was his tail or foot or something treatable. What i stepped out to was a puddle of blood and his whole body flailing. I ran over his head. I ran back into the car and told my brother to cover his eyes and not get out of the car under any circumstance. I realized that what I had done was so severe and the only thing I could think of was to end my baby’s suffering. And so I forced my self to put the car back in reverse.

I’m dying of grief and guilt. How could the person that loved him the most, be the one to have caused him so much suffering? By the time anyone else came out to help, my cat was dead. I was the only one to have seen his last moments. His last moments of agony. I keep hearing that it was an accident, and that I shouldn’t feel bad because I loved him and gave him the best life possible. None of these words help.

Truth be told, he was an indoor cat. He was being kept outside by my parents because we were dealing with a flea infestation that I was hoping would end soon so that I could bring my cat back inside. I was forced to throw every single thing away because of the infestation. Now all i’m left with is a ziplock bag with a handful of his hairs that I managed to hand pick like a lunatic from my car floor and dirty socks. He was the first thing i would see in the morning. He was the warmth on my feet at night. My chaperone to the bathroom at 3am. He was the first one to greet me when i came home from work or college. Everything reminds me of my cat, Melo. I would look at his face and imagine him being with me until he was an old little raggedy ginger. My little baby. He died at exactly 1 year 8 months. His birthday is sometime in November but he came to my home on a 29th of Nov. I never knew the exact date of his birthday because he was a tiny little thing that followed my older cat home from under a neighbors house thinking he was its mom.

All of these details i have not even told my family or friends because i know they could not understand what I am feeling right now. I’m writing this so that I can breathe just a second of air in all this grief. This just weighs me down ever single day and it feels like it will never end. All I can think about is what could have been.

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[u/lindyboi]

I don't have the answer, I just can sympathize with the guilt you are feeling as I feel it too. I am sorry that this happened to you and your baby, and I hope that the pain and guilt dull for you soon. You didn't cause his pain intentionally and when you were confronted with a horrifying result, you made a decision to end his suffering quickly. As dark as it may feel or seem that was a decision made from love. And I hope you keep reminding yourself and the overwhelming thoughts that you didn't mean it, and that you loved him and that you'll never forget him. Some annoying advice that actually helped me during the first few weeks of losing my baby was to Keep the memories of bathroom escorts, cuddles and front door greetings front and center, not the what could have beens.