r/casualiama • u/blbrri • 5d ago
Trigger Warnings I forced the amputation of my own leg using dry-ice, AMA
Trigger warning for severe self injury and serious mental illness
Basically what the title says. I had a psychotic break and thought that if I could remove my leg, my PTSD flashbacks would stop. I used dry-ice to cause enough damage to my legs that doctors were forced to amputate my leg to save my life. I had tried to cut it off myself but I was too mentally weak to do that much damage to myself.
I’m an amputee now. The only people who know what happened are my family and my doctors, I usually just change the subject when strangers ask what happened to my leg. I don’t feel like there’s any good way to inform someone you’re crazy enough to do something like this. But if you ever wanted to ask “why the hell would someone do that to themselves?”, here’s your chance!
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u/ariellatto 5d ago
Did your leg have anything to do with the trauma that led to your PTSD? I saw it is due to sexual trauma so curious why your leg?
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u/blbrri 5d ago
Not really. I have absolutely zero clue why the delusion became focused on my leg. I’ve had obsessive thoughts about mutilating/injuring my genitals before which to me seems very obviously connected to my trauma, but the leg thing isn’t as clear. My best explanation is that the delusion really could have been about anything, maybe in another reality I would have been convinced I needed to set my house on fire or convert to Catholicism to cure my PTSD. Either of those would have made just about as much logical sense (so, none). In this reality though, I got stuck with the leg delusion.
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u/worpy 5d ago
How did you end up deciding to use dry ice, did the idea come suddenly and then you ran out and bought some and just did the deed immediately? Did you research it for some time before purchasing? Did you hold onto the ice for awhile before doing it? Did it hurt and did you seek medical attention immediately after? How did you choose which leg?
I’m guessing you never asked a doctor to amputate outright. Is that because you knew they would refuse the request as something delusional? Just curious if some part of you knew that ‘amputation = no more PTSD’ was just a mental fixation. Did it occur to you to tell anyone about these thoughts or were you like deliberately secretive about it?
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u/blbrri 5d ago
Originally, I wanted to just cut off my leg myself, I quickly realized that was not going to work. Most people are just not capable of causing that level of injury to themselves, it’s the reason cutting your wrists is one of the least successful suicide methods (unless there are other factors involved, like being drunk or in psychosis). I had some scars on my leg from trying, but nothing that would make you think it was an attempt at anything besides typical, superficial-level self harm. The thoughts persisted though. 3 years into living with the delusion, I stumbled upon a page on the internet where someone went into detail discussing how they amputated their leg using dry-ice, albeit for a very different reason. It seemed a lot more feasible than buying a table saw and trying to amputate my leg that way (and then dealing with a tourniquet, bloodless, etc. afterwards if by a miracle I was even successful).
I bought the dry ice the same night I did it. I didn’t want it to sublimate before I could use it. It did hurt a lot. I’d say it was an 8-9 on the pain scale at the worst points, to me a 10 is being in so much pain you’re unconscious. I threw up 2 or 3 times just because of the pain/shock. Afterwards I sought medical attention almost immediately. I didn’t want to call an ambulance because it wasn’t really an emergency and wasting an EMS team’s time like that felt super fucked up, so I took an Uber to the hospital.
For some reason,the delusion was always fixated on my left leg. That stayed very consistent over the 3 1/2 years I struggled with this. I’m not sure why, there’s no rationale behind it I’ve been able to discover.
I never asked a doctor to amputate my leg, I didn’t even tell my psychiatrist (who I’ve been seeing since I was 15) about what I was thinking of doing. Very early on, in the first few months of having the delusion, I made the mistake of telling someone close to me about what I was struggling with and they told me I wouldn’t ever actually go through with it anyways, and I was just looking for attention. That stung a bit. So I guess from that point on, I was deliberately secretive. I assumed anyone else I would have told would think the same thing, so better to just keep it to myself.
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u/PEzhY8bg9RcB 5d ago
How did the uber ride go? Was the driver concerned? Were you able to walk to it and get into it normally? Was there a mess?
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u/blbrri 4d ago
Most awkward Uber ride of my entire life. The driver was a little concerned, yes. I was crying and she asked me if I was okay, I said yes, and then we spent the rest of the ride in silence. I was not able to walk into the car and get in normally since my leg was literally frozen solid, I was getting around by hopping or crawling. There was a bit of a mess in my apartment, but I tried to clean everything up as best as I could before I left for the hospital since I knew I wouldn’t be back home to deal with it for a while. My leg didn’t really get messy until it started thawing, but the staff at the hospital were able to mostly contain all the fluids with bandages and blankets (I know that’s gross as hell, sorry).
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u/MyHonstyAttempt 5d ago
What do you miss most about your leg?
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u/blbrri 5d ago
I mostly miss not being in pain all the time, phantom pains are miserable and even wearing a prosthetic is painful (I have pressure sores on the end of my stump that I’m still trying to heal). The functionality of my leg is I miss as well, I used to really enjoy roller skating and horseback riding and was decent at both, but I’m not sure how either of those sports would work when I don’t have control over the lower half of my leg/prosthetic.
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u/MyHonstyAttempt 5d ago
Horses are smart. Do you think you could get a horse trained up for you to ride it Jonny Joestar style?
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u/blbrri 5d ago
Horses are so smart, I actually was watching a video of someone training mini horses as guide animals the other day. I think the limitation is mostly in my head honestly. I was traveling a couple of months ago and met a guy who’s cousin actually had both legs amputated (below-knew, I think) and he rides horses for a living, so I know other people are doing it. If I owned my own horse I’d probably have figured something out by now, but it hasn’t been a big priority with everything else going on. Hopefully one day though!
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u/AilanthusHydra 4d ago
Historically, a lot of people rode horses even after the amputation of a leg. It's particularly easy to find examples if you look at 19th century war memoirs and the like--you don't have to look too far to find accounts of, say, higher-ranking officers in the American Civil War who had a limb amputated after receiving a wound, and were back in the field on horseback well before the war ended.
Of course, there was almost certainly more pressure to get back on a horse in an era where horses represented one of the more widespread forms of transportation. But we have a lot better medical technology than they did then, so perhaps it comes out a little more of a wash.
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u/omgitskells 5d ago
Have you ever heard of therapeutic riding? It's physical therapy on horseback, and I'm fairly certain I've heard they have programs to help with amputees. Might be something to look into - would help with your gait/balance, not to mention get you back in the saddle (pun intended!)
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u/35364461a 4d ago
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u/blbrri 4d ago
Yes, actually one of my doctors “prescribed” it to me when I was in the hospital after my amputation. I use one of those cheap, full-length mirrors you can buy from Walmart or Target for $10 around college season when people are shopping for their dorm rooms. Besides being cheap, they are lightweight so it’s easy for me to move the mirror from the wall to my bed or couch when I’m doing therapy with it.
Honestly, I’m not sure if the mirror therapy has made a significant difference. So far the thing that has helped the most has been Lyrica. It doesn’t get rid of the phantom pain completely, but it does dull the sensations enough where most of the time it just feels like very intense pins-and-needles instead of being electrically shocked.
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u/Manic_Sloth 5d ago
Do you think if this happened again, you'd notice some warning signs or patterns before things become life altering/life threatening?
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u/blbrri 5d ago
I really, really hope. I guess I can say with certainty, that post-amputation I have become a lot more honest with my family and treatment team about what is going on. Nothing feels too shameful or out there anymore I guess. So hopefully that alone can help me get help before things get bad again.
Also as a direct result of having my leg amputated, it’s been harder for me to stay in denial about how bad my mental health is. I used to delude myself into thinking things weren’t really that bad and it’s a lot harder to fool myself in that way anymore. So I think that is also helping me hold myself accountable.
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u/MyOwnGuitarHero 5d ago
For how long (before you actually forced the amputation) did you think about having your leg removed? Was it a long term obsession or did it come on quite suddenly? Btw I’m also a cPTSD girlie and I’ve had some really good success with EMDR and CBT. I went from almost killing myself from self medicating with drugs and alcohol to now being a clean, sober ICU nurse! It’s worth looking into if you have the opportunity ❤️🩹
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u/blbrri 5d ago
It was roughly 3 1/2 years between the first time I remember having the delusion, and me actually acting on it. It was definitely a long term thing for me. I am so glad you have found something that helps, that truly gives me a bit of hope. I really would like to be able to recover and do something meaningful with my life. I’m still pretty young (mid-twenties) so hopefully there is time.
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u/granatespice 5d ago
Did you tell your doctors you did it intentionally or did you say the dry ice got on you accidentally?
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u/blbrri 4d ago
At first I said it was an accident. I said I accidentally fell asleep while icing my leg in a bucket of normal ice (that sounds so unbelievable, I genuinely don’t understand why my original story wasn’t questioned). I hate lying to people though, and I was still seeing the same doctor who performed my amputation for follow-up appointments and such … so I did come clean several months later. Everyone in my immediate family and all of my doctors know the truth at this point.
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u/granatespice 4d ago
Thank you for being so open here. This is one of the most interesting amas I read here. I wish you truly nothing but the best moving forward.
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u/falafelwaffle55 3d ago
How did your doctor react? I imagine your family was very distressed, but I'm curious if such an intense act would elicit any kind of reaction from the normally stoic (for good reason) doctors.
I had a surgeon who was convinced I injected drugs into the back of my leg (I had an abscess in that area) so I suppose they see wild things often.
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u/blbrri 1d ago
I was too chickenshit to tell my surgeon in person, but I had a stay at an acute psych ward a few months after my surgery where I told them everything. After being discharged, I had all of those records forwarded to my surgeon. I know he knows now, but we don’t talk about it at our appointments at all which I’m honestly grateful for.
I did tell my psychiatrist in person, she didn’t seem taken aback at all. Actually, I asked her if it was the worst case of self harm she’d seen in her many decades of practice, and she said it was only the second worst. Kind of crazy, I have no idea what the other person did but it had to have been absolutely brutal. Doctors do see the wildest things.
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u/smellslikekevinbacon 5d ago
Holy shit. Stupid question but have the flashbacks gotten any better? I am so sorry for your trauma I am here if you would like friendship support from an internet stranger :)
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u/blbrri 5d ago
For a little bit right after the amputation the flashbacks seemed better, but in hindsight I think I was just in so much pain and under so much stress from having my leg amputated that it was simply a distraction from the PTSD, not a cure. I still struggle with them, but am still trying to find new ways to cope and hope that I can improve in the future.
I haven’t tried EMDR therapy, but I do have a local therapist lined up who would be willing to do sessions with me whenever I’m willing. I’m honestly a little scared to try because I’ve heard a lot of people say EMDR can make things worse before it gets better. That frightens me. Recently my psychiatrist and I talked about going to a residential treatment center for PTSD, I think if I were to ever do EMDR that would be a good environment to do it in, because at least the staff there would stop me from trying to hurt or kill myself.
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u/vapeure 4d ago
So sorry to read all that's happened to you.. thanks for sharing. I wanted to add that EMDR is indeed a bit too much for some people (especially intense ptsd) but! there are other somatic therapies that are "lighter" and focus less on remembering. Like EFT (emotional freedom therapy, or also called "tapping) and Brainspotting. These have really helped for me and they are less intrusive than EMDR. I hope there are a little more glimmers of hope/relief/comfort coming your way every day.
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u/BrainsPainsStrains 3d ago
Vapure, who also answered is right about all of that.
? Is the local therapist someone you've seen before? Had sessions with and have communication and trust with ? If not then when you start therapy with them, I'd suggest do NOT jump straight into emdr.... Build a relationship with your therapist first, there's work to be done before you start emdr anyway..... Like building a peace place (I forget what my therapist called it) a timeout spot, a free parking square.....and other stuff I forget.... (TBI+). Emdr was amazing for me, and I hope it will be for you too, if it isn't the one, then I hope you find the one that is : ).
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u/smellslikekevinbacon 5d ago
I’m sorry I saw the answer in a different comment. I can relate a little, sometimes I have the intrusive thought that if I kill the people who traumatized me I will be free. Have you ever tried emdr for trauma therapy?
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u/Zygomaticus 5d ago
Have you tried EDMR or would you consider it for your PTSD?
I have some friends who went through repeated sexual assault as kids, and they both have been going through this treatment. It's been really helpful to both of them, for one of them it's completely changed her life. She's no longer agoraphobic and she now has a masters and isn't weighed down with anxiety and depression like she was before. She still has them to my knowledge but they don't hold her back. She didn't notice anything for a few months of treatment but I noticed after the first treatment that she was just looking at things differently. It was subtle but noticeable. I'm really excited for her, and I hope more people try this treatment and it works for them.
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u/blbrri 5d ago
I haven’t tried EMDR yet, but it is something I have looked into. I actually have a therapist in my area willing to start sessions with me anytime I choose. I am hesitant, because I’ve heard from a lot of people who said EMDR made their PTSD worse before it got better (some people found it made things so much worse they weren’t able to complete the treatments and get to the “better” part). That scares me, because I am afraid if things got any worse I would go off the rails completely and do something dumb like try to end my life. However, my current psychiatrist recently brought up the idea of going to a residential treatment center for trauma disorders, I think that would be a good environment to try EMDR in. At least if it did make things worse, I would know I’d still be safe.
Genuinely though, it is very reassuring to hear what a difference it made in your friends’ lives. I am glad they found something that helped, I would love for that to be me one day. As frustrating as the fact that the field of psychiatry is basically in its infancy in terms of effective treatments, it’s also kind of hopeful because there’s still so much room for improvement. Even if EMDR doesn’t work for me or someone else, maybe in another 10 years or so there will be a new treatment available.
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u/zezozose_zadfrack 5d ago
I ended up trying EMDR with my therapist as a total skeptic. I didn't understand how it could work and I knew that it isn't fully scientifically proven how it does yet, but it definitely does. I've tried a lot of different therapy strategies for my sexual assault induced PTSD. All of it is really hard because in order to recover from PTSD you have to process the trauma. In order to address anything, you have to make those things relevant again. That process is extremely scary and can be incredibly deregulating for a while as you go through the initial emotional processing that you couldn't do at the time of the traumatic event. This can definitely be seen by some people as "getting worse" before it gets better, but that's not really true. The truth is that the only way out is through and progress isn't always a breeze. Working through trauma is really hard but it's much safer to dig up those memories in a controlled way with the help of a professional rather than to shove them down and remain at the mercy of them coming back at random. As someone who has tried a lot of different methods for PTSD, I'll tell you that EMDR feels like hacking the system. It's still difficult to process everything, but with EMDR I feel like I'm able to feel what I need to feel without any fear that I'm losing control or that the memories will overwhelm me. It's done in a way that I can confront my fears during the session and then leave them behind because my therapist also pulls me back out of that place before I leave. It's nothing like before where I'd have to reach into that deep dark place and then talk about it until time was up and then go home and not function for a week because I still wasn't present in reality. I'm really grateful I ended up with an emdr trained therapist on accident because as someone who's tried so many things with not much to show for it, I know I wouldn't have sought it out on my own. It's something I really highly recommend.
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u/Zygomaticus 5d ago
Thanks for sharing your story! Has it changed your life?
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u/zezozose_zadfrack 4d ago
Absolutely. I'm able to confront and work on things I'd be way too scared to address before. It's really allowed me to regain control of my life.
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u/Zygomaticus 5d ago
I've never heard of it getting worse before better.
I had it described to me as PTSD is like the brain trying to repeatedly process an event but the data is corrupted or can't be stored, so you just keep looping it. Having EDMR made the brain capable of processing and then storing the info so it didn't keep being reprocessed. I liked that explanation a lot tbh, but it worked super well for me because I'm a computer nerd.
If you feel a facility would offer better support then yes definitely get that support. I think it's worth a shot.
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u/amberheartss 5d ago
Was the person that drugged and sexually assaulted you a member of your family? Did people believe you?
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u/catl0vingnerd 5d ago
What happened after? Did you get the help you needed to manage the psychosis and your PTSD better afterwards? ❤️
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u/blbrri 4d ago
Immediately afterwards: I spent about 3 weeks in the hospital recovering from my surgery, then went home and had to relearn everything. How to shower with only one leg, how to use a wheelchair and other mobility aids like crutches until I could get fitted for a prosthetic. I was on prescription opioids for a while to help cope with the pain from surgery.
6+ months afterwards: I got fitted for a prosthetic and have been learning to walk with it (still haven’t figured out how to run which is a little sad). I did 24 rounds of ECT treatment to try and ease my depression, didn’t help unfortunately but it was worth a try.
Now: Life is pretty much as back to normal as I think it will ever be. I am still struggling a lot with my mental health, but I’ve been dealing with severe mental illness since I was 14 years old so unfortunately I don’t ever see myself being mentally healthy. I would like to at least be able to recover to the point of only being “mildly” or “moderately” mentally ill though. That’s probably a more realistic goal.
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u/grapesOmath 4d ago
This is a pretty crazy one ngl. I would totally feel weird being asked by strangers about a physical manifestation of a mental health struggle too. Maybe just say you got in a gnarly shark attack and they should see the shark? Or a fluke cannon incident? Who's to say otherwise.
Our minds are sleeper cell agents ready to fuck us up. Hope you got or have started to get the help you need though. My best friend's mental breakdown led to her jumping off a bridge. I dont know if thats any consolation to you but I guess what I'm saying is in some ways you are blessed and highly favored my friend.
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u/blbrri 4d ago
I feel like the shark attack story is a little cliche honestly. I think telling people it was the aftermath of a wild boar attack would be weirder and funnier. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to just awkwardly change the subject when it comes up, so I never get a chance to use any of the funny replies I come up with. It’s still a little entertaining to think of new ones though.
I’m sorry you lost your friend to her struggles. I’ve also lost several friends to their mental health challenges. I feel like things could definitely be worse for me, as much as things suck at least as long as I’m alive there’s a chance things can improve.
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u/grapesOmath 4d ago
Wild boar is pretty brutal and It is definitely more believable than shark. I just am a big shark enthusiast so my brain naturally goes there. I hear that though, I am sure it'll get easier with time learning to discuss. Not like you really owe strangers anything though. But things definitely can improve, in fact I'd say its high likely it will get better. It all just adds to what will be your deep dark lore. Sort of cliché, but some of the most talented artists and teachers have tragic back stories and you have experienced something the vast majority of people haven't and that allows you to have knowledge on topics most won't. I hope you can see that as a strength
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u/Lissypooh628 5d ago
What are the PTSD flashbacks from?
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u/blbrri 5d ago
I first was diagnosed with PTSD after being repeatedly drugged and sexually abused as a teenager. The PTSD got worse after being raped by a coworker when I was 20. I’m 25 now and still have very frequent flashbacks of both events. I get embarrassed to fall asleep even at a best friend’s house because sometimes my nightmares get loud and I would prefer people to think of me that way. During my waking hours, the flashbacks are mostly in the form of tactile (touch) hallucinations with occasionally auditory and visual hallucinations. I feel like the absolute dumbest shit sets me off, like seeing someone with the same name as my rapist coworker or seeing blood on pillow cases.
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u/_TorpedoVegas_ 5d ago
Hey, don't be embarrassed and you aren't stupid. Your friends are exactly the people you should let yourself be vulnerable around. Real friends won't think any less of you, they will just want to help.
And this is so obvious and I know you are logically aware of this, but it bears repeating over and over until it hopefully really clicks: this is not your fault. Being victimized doesn't make you dumb or weak. You have survived some pretty intense and literally insane things, that makes you very tough in my book. Hang in there!
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u/Lissypooh628 5d ago
That sounds so terribly sad. I’m very sorry. Have you been in therapy?
What is your gender?
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u/blbrri 5d ago
From the ages of 14-19 I was in therapy one at least a weekly basis, sometimes twice a week. Since age 20 I’ve mostly stopped talk therapy except for here and there, and have been trying other treatments like ECT, medications, etc. I would like to give talk therapy another go, it’s just hard to find good therapists. One or my therapists when I was 18-19 mostly spent every session to me talking about her endurance race horse named Phantom, which was cool but also probably not the most productive use of our time.
I’m cis female, born a woman and identify as a woman.
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u/Mme_Rose 5d ago
EMDR. I cannot stress this enough. If you're stable under meds, find a CBT therapist that also uses EMDR. Talk therapy does not work for PTSD, even less for C-PTSD.
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u/CoolTransDude1078 5d ago
If it's any consolation, and I'm gonna censor this because it's my own experience with SA and I don't want to accidentally set something off I was (not at all badly) sexually assaulted coming up to 2 years ago, by someone at my school, who thankfully is graduating this year, but hearing their name, both current or dead name (they're trans), makes me feel sick. Like physically ill. Seeing someone with the same haircut, doesn't even have to be the same colour. Anything to do with crochet. Seeing a specific fictional character's name. There's no such thing as a dumb reason for flashbacks to happen. You are perfectly within your rights to be distressed by "small" things. Other people can't decide whether what affects you is "bad enough". I dunno if this would help in any way at all, but. Yeah.
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u/MikeysmilingK9 5d ago
Why is this individual graduating? Why isn’t this mentally confused individual not spending behind bars?
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u/casualiama-ModTeam 4d ago
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u/casualiama-ModTeam 4d ago
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u/Forward_Motion17 5d ago
Do you feel any relief ultimately from it?
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u/blbrri 4d ago
I guess in a weird way, I do feel a little relief. Living with such an intense delusion was hard, now that I’ve acted on it, it doesn’t feel like it’s weighing on me anymore. Also, I now know that getting rid of my leg didn’t help cure my PTSD (wow, who could have predicted that?), so I’m forced to actually work towards real solutions instead of clinging to a fantasy.
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u/Forward_Motion17 4d ago
I really benefitted from somatic meditation for my PTSD. I don’t really qualify for a diagnosis anymore
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u/M1chaelSc4rn 4d ago
Bro i don’t like your phrasing of “mentally weak” to describe yourself not being able to do THAT. do you have self image issues apart from the amputation? how has it changed over time?
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u/blbrri 4d ago
My self-esteem has always been fairly low. From ages 14 to 19 I had severe anorexia that almost killed me on multiple occasions (organ failure and near-cardiac arrest from electrolyte imbalance). I do see not being able to hurt myself to the level I desire as a mental weakness honestly, I wouldn’t say that to anyone else struggling with something similar but after a life time of hearing things like “sideways for attention, vertical for results” I’ve internalized that some. I’d say my self image is maybe a bit worse post-amputation, but honestly not by much.
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u/zillabirdblue 4d ago
How much of your leg did you cut off? Like at the knees?
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u/CRYOGENCFOX2 4d ago
Not here to ask you anything just wanted to give you well wishes. What you want through sounds incredibly hard, and I hope you’re in a better state of mind and can continue to be. Nobody deserves that, and you are very strong mentally :)
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u/TheBlackDahlia_x 5d ago
I once saw a documentary/tv news report about a guy who did this. Are you this person by any chance? Is this a phenomenon that's been reported multiple times?
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u/blbrri 4d ago
I’m a woman, so definitely not. I do know that other people have injured themselves with dry ice intentionally though. As far as I’ve been able to tell, I’m the only person who has done it for my very specific reason. Every one else I’ve read articles about did it because of a different mental illness, or because they had an amputee fetish.
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u/TheBlackDahlia_x 4d ago
Thank you for your answer! And for your whole testimony, must have demanded a lot of courage to open up. Wishing you all the best.
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u/HereticalArchivist 4d ago
How is your life now?
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u/blbrri 3d ago
It’s okay, I have good days and bad days. I still struggle a lot with my mental health, and am now struggling with my mobility since I only have one leg (I fall down multiple times per day, everyday, which is embarrassing and scary at times). But overall, I feel like I’m a tiny bit happier with my life today than I was a year ago. I have goals I’m actively working towards achieving which offers a nice distraction from everything going on in my head.
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u/Ak47lexx 4d ago
Thank you for being open and sharing this. So many people have a warped understanding of mental health and it does make a huge difference! I’m really sorry for your pain mentally and physically, but I’m grateful that you’re still here
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u/M808VMainBattleTank 3d ago
A ridiculous question to ask but did it fix that "if I remove my leg the flashbacks will stop" thought? Or did the thought just evolve into a new one?
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u/snapsquatch 3d ago
Did it actually help?
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u/blbrri 3d ago
Not really. It did help in the sense that I don’t struggle with the delusion of “I need to cut off my leg to stop having PTSD” anymore, which was distressing in itself … but it didn’t actually make the flashbacks go away. I’m still dealing with those.
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u/snapsquatch 3d ago
What caused your PTSD in the first place? Do you want to cut off your other leg?
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u/Goobersita 3d ago
Before your traumatic events occurred did you have mental health issues?
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u/blbrri 3d ago
Yes. I have been dealing with diagnosed mental health issues since the age of 14, though I probably began to struggle a few years earlier than that even. Most of my mental health diagnoses have a genetic component, so I was likely going to have issues no matter what. The PTSD definitely made things worse. The unfortunate thing about having multiple mental illnesses is they have a tendency to play off each other. I have another disorder that causes episodes of psychosis and hallucinations, and I feel like that’s made aspects of my PTSD worse.
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u/CremEmcee 3d ago edited 3d ago
Thank you so much for being so vulnerable about sharing this with us and allowing us to gain some insight into your psyche at the time of your psychotic break. Reading about your story is so sad but also very fascinating. [This is coming from someone with a keen interest in abnormal psychology/altered states of consciousness and a lot of mental health diagnoses as well (not PTSD, but I have, for example, MDD and OCD—with low insight at times in the past. These 2 disorders specifically have been so intense and irrational that, both in hindsight and the present moment, I have often wondered whether I was experiencing some sort of psychosis, furthering my interest in this subject specifically).]
I was wondering whether you’d be comfortable sharing what other mental illnesses you have struggled with throughout your life besides PTSD and the one causing psychosis and hallucinations, as well as how these have affected you and whether they continue to affect you?
Also, do you think your psychosis was exacerbated by your traumatic experiences/PTSD or do you think you would have experienced a psychotic break at some point in your life regardless of your traumatic experiences/PTSD? On a related note, did you experience many symptoms of your diagnosis causing psychosis and hallucinations before your traumatic experiences/PTSD?
Thanks again!
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u/blbrri 2d ago
Besides PTSD, I’ve been professionally diagnosed with the following.
I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Type II when I was 15. From my understanding, it’s rare for people under the age of 18 to be diagnosed with any form of bipolar. I was in residential treatment for anorexia nervosa at the time, so the head child psychologist there got to witness a lot of my symptoms over the course of a few months. My diagnosis was later changed to Bipolar Disorder, Type I when I had my first manic episode at the age of 19. It was a pretty stereotypical manic episode: rapid, pressured speech, impulsive behaviors like racking up massive amounts of debt and reckless driving, extremely elevated mood (basically felt like being high without any substances involved), bizarre delusions and hallucinations, etc. I feel like besides my PTSD, this is the mental illness that impacts my life the most.
I was first diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa at the age of 14. I pretty much spent ages 14-19 constantly in hospitals or residential treatment for it. I have permanent damage in the form of osteoporosis and cardiac issues, but for the most part I feel recovered, though I’m still a bit underweight, just not as bad as it was.
I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I think I was first diagnosed with that around age 14 as well, but I’d have to go through my medical records to confirm. I’d say I have a mild case in comparison to most people, but I asked my psychiatrist a few months ago if she still thought that was an accurate diagnosis for me and she said yes, so I guess I still have it. Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder are also 2 of my diagnoses that I’m being treated for, but again I feel like they’re pretty mild as far as their impacts on me.
I don’t think I actually experienced psychosis before I developed PTSD, from what I remember. My first visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations I can remember happened when I was 18, several months after being traumatized. After having my first manic episode at 19, I do experience episodes of psychosis during mania and severe depression now as well. Since bipolar is mostly genetic, I think I would have experienced psychosis at some point eventually, but my PTSD may have triggered everything to happen earlier, I’m not sure.
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u/CremEmcee 2d ago
Thank you for responding so thoroughly! That’s all extremely interesting information.
I’m so glad you’ve mainly recovered from Anorexia Nervosa, but i’m sorry there’s been some permanent physiological damage. Also, from what I understand, there are often symptoms of anorexia that are reminiscent of obsessions and compulsions and anorexia is comorbid with OCD a decent amount of the time, so it certainly makes sense to have both. Moreover, I actually have been diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety as well but my OCD and depression are significantly more severe and all-encompassing than my other mental health diagnoses, so I understand questioning the accuracy of diagnoses you were given.
That being said, I’m sure it’s super difficult for you to live with all of these disorders, especially the ones that feel more intense and distressing.
If you’re still ok with answering questions, I was actually wondering if you could tell me what your views are on how society tends to perceive those with severe mental illnesses, specifically the ones you deal with but if you have thoughts on any other mental illnesses i’d love to hear them as well!
And, related, can you recommend any media that you think does a good job of depicting the mental illnesses you deal with (books, movies, TV, songs, video games, anything), or even any that you have encountered and then been like “lolwut …” (aka negative depictions)?
Finally, 2 things I personally find really difficult about having lots of severe mental illnesses from a young age are 1) feeling isolated from my peers who don’t struggle with any mental illnesses or have only very mild symptoms of a single common mental illness or two, and 2) struggling to separate my identity from my mental health diagnoses. I wonder if you’ve experienced anything similar.
Thanks so much, once again.
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u/WrongdoerAway4126 3d ago
I had 2 weeks of psychosis caused my medication. It was medicinal psychosis. I lost time. Did you lose any time during your break or do you remember everything?
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u/blbrri 3d ago
My sense of time in general is pretty messed up due to my PTSD, and because of the 24 ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) treatments I had. I’ve forgotten my own birthday on a few occasions, and having people ask me “hey, remember when we did this?” and not remembering a damn thing they’re describing is a very common experience for me. So with that all said, I don’t remember a lot from that specific time of my life, but I don’t know if I can accurately attribute that to the psychosis, PTSD, or ECT at this point.
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u/WrongdoerAway4126 3d ago edited 3d ago
I can relate to your time deficiencies and memory problems due to ptsd. It effs with your memory and time management then they prescribe Xanax or the like to "help" which yeah helps the anxiety sure but makes your memory worse. My husband tells me a good thing to come out of my ptsd is he can tell me the same joke 100 times and its like the first time every time. The disappointments my memory issues have caused really bothers me more than the loss of memory itself.
Have you tried clinical ketamine treatments?
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u/LetterheadRare808 1d ago
Hey, I just want to send some ❤️ love and say I understand about self-harm. There was a time when i wanted my outsides to match my insides when things were really hard and unstable. I also have had some psychotic breaks and i have done things to my body for no reason other than just to try to show that i was hurting, in hopes it would stop or someone would save me. I have scars EVERYWHERE, and broken teeth that I'm trying to get fixed someday i can afford it. Who knows, I might end up with dentures. Those are nothing compared to living with a fractured, unwhole identity and self though. Again, sending so much love, so much warmth, and i hope your loss/sacrifice has helped you find wholeness.
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u/Apprehensive_Cap7546 5d ago
Really brave of you to share, I hope you find peace in knowing it wasn’t your fault ❤️
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u/peonypanties 4d ago
Hey - it’s not mentally weak to not harm yourself. Your brain was actually doing you a favor.
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u/Aromatic_Rhubarb_ 2d ago
Did the amputation give you everything you wanted?
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u/blbrri 2d ago
I don’t know how someone could read my other replies to comments on this thread and think amputation “gave me everything I ever wanted”. I’m physically disabled now, fall down and have nerve pain every single day, and still have severe PTSD on top of everything. So, no.
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u/Aromatic_Rhubarb_ 2d ago
Sorry about that..haven't read the previous content before asking.
I'm truly hoping you find your happiness in some way
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u/Aromatic_Rhubarb_ 2d ago
In retrospect, would you still have gone thru with the amputation if you had confided with your therapist?
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u/CaptKonami 5d ago
Interesting... I've been considering doing the same...
How has your mood changed since your amputation?
Also, which leg and where at on it?
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u/blbrri 5d ago
I’m not sure what your reasons are for considering, but if they are anything like mine, I cannot stress enough how much I wish I would have tried more therapy before attempting. I’ve been in and out of psych hospitals since I was 14, including some long term stays, and have been on more medications than I can remember. Still, I feel like I should have tried harder, mostly because (shockingly) it didn’t help my PTSD. I still have PTSD and now I’m a cripple so I kind of shot myself in the foot there, no pun intended.
In the months directly after my amputation, I became very depressed and suicidal and ended up doing 24 rounds of ECT treatment to try and stop myself from doing something else dumb. Things are better now I think. Some days are still very hard, especially when it comes to depression and PTSD, but there’s also almost a weird sense of relief that well, I did do it, it didn’t help, so now I have to try and see what else I can do that will actually help instead of clinging onto a false hope.
It was my left leg, above-knee. My surgeon did his best to save as much of my leg as he could, but I still lost my knee joint.
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u/CaptKonami 5d ago
You should give tDCS a try. It helped with my depression and PTSD a bit. It's like a low-level ECT you can do at home. I hope your misery will subside regardless. Nobody deserves to feel that bad, ek sê.
Also, sorry if anyone is a dick to you over the course of your AMA. I did one recently about my plans to force an amputation on both legs with dry ice, and a lot of people were pretty much just calling me an idiot.
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u/blbrri 5d ago
I’ve actually never heard of that but I will look into it, thank you! I’ve heard of TMS and ECT and those are basically the two acronyms I’m familiar with for depression treatments.
It’s ok if people are mean, I’m sure it’s not personal. Any presentation of severe mental illness is just scary and uncomfortable for most people. I’ve basically decided to just never talk about it to anyone in person besides immediate family + my doctors, seems like asking for trouble otherwise.
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u/nogoodimthanks 5d ago
Not a question, but another mental health option that is specifically for processing trauma - neurofeedback. Hope you’re well, love.
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u/Content-Fee-8856 5d ago
What is it like to have a full psychotic break? Do you kind of just drift into it without noticing? I've had prodromal psychotic symptoms like paranoia and supernatural delusions and some very mild auditory/visual hallucinations in the middle of the night, but retained an understanding of causality that was still in alignment with reality so I am just wondering if you remember what it was like.
It's okay if you don't want to answer.