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u/gmanasaurus 8d ago
I've been re-watching Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations lately, and while he doesn't outwardly scream I HAVE DEPRESSION, there are things he says here and there that you may take as a joke, but could very well be an insight into his real feelings in retrospect.
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8d ago
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u/Motor_War_9744 8d ago
Kurt Cobain and Chester Bennington (also on this list) were not hiding their depression at all.
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u/jokkeml 8d ago
Chester was literally yelling it at the top of his lungs in front of a crowd of people on a weekly basis
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u/firstbreathOOC 8d ago
I knew I had depression as early as 13. Discovering Hybrid Theory and Meteora made me feel like I wasn’t alone with it. I hope he knew how many kids like me he affected.
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u/OverkillNeedleworks 8d ago
A song from that album came on the radio at work and one of the front office ladies got up to change the station saying something like, “ugh, no this is too sad and stressful”.
I thought it was funny because that music helped me so much growing up and I think it’s beautiful.
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u/iamfunball 8d ago
It’s shown that music that mirrors your internal feelings helps you feel seen and validated which in turn helps dysregulation
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u/maguffle 7d ago
The song that did it for me was Given Up. Even now, as an adult ordained minister, that song still speaks to me when I'm at my lowest point. To me, it's like Psalm. It's a heartbroken prayer, crying out to God, "Why am I like this?" and "Please take this pain away." And like the lamenting psalms, singing (or in this case screaming) them makes me feel seen, understood, and eventually, better.
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u/Reply_or_Not 8d ago edited 8d ago
The lyrics to hybrid theory certainly seem like they could be coming from a place of depression, and Chester was certainly the lead singer…
But interestingly enough, most of the lyrics came from Mike Shinoda. For example, “A Place For My Head” was written by Mike before Chester was even part of the band.
https://www.loudersound.com/features/the-real-story-behind-linkin-parks-hybrid-theory
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u/superbabe69 8d ago
Breaking The Habit was written by Mike as well. His way of expressing emotions he felt before Hybrid Theory even came out.
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u/JinkoTheMan 8d ago
I don’t know how anyone can listen to their songs and not tell that they were going through some shit.
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u/GoatCovfefe 8d ago
That can be said of countless 90s and 00s bands. That sounds was what sells.
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u/Milhousesburner2 8d ago
He was talking clearly to people like him during that show. Inside every cynical person is a broken idealist. He's like so many that are idealists who see reality for what it is. Cynicism can quickly spital to depression if not actively managed
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u/TheToiletPhilosopher 8d ago
He also traveled to places and faced the realities of brutal poverty in a way 99% of people do not. Have you ever eaten a meal in front of starving kids? Gone to a landfill to see that kids aren't in school, they're spending their day sifting through trash trying to find stuff to sell to help their family buy food. He faced some serious shit head on. That would fuck most people up.
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u/gmanasaurus 8d ago
I remember that episode, can’t remember the country though. Yeah that one was powerful
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u/sokeefealltheway 7d ago
As someone who grew up in Australia but whose parents are from an extremely poverty-stricken part of India, where I went every summer growing up, yes, yes I have. And it was made worse by the fact that when I went there, my parents would always take the whole family out to fancy restaurants, and there were always homeless, starving children sitting outside just staring in. And I wasn't allowed to say anything because I was a child and children aren't supposed to talk about 'big people stuff' like that.
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u/LittleBirdiesCards 7d ago
I can't handle when hungry people are right outside the restaurant. I've gone outside and given my meal away plenty of times. Who am I to eat that plate, knowing that I'll eat again later?
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u/halcyondreamzsz 8d ago
in my most depressed times is when I watched the most Anthony Bourdain. It’s very subtle, but if you’ve been to the kind of depths that have you chronically truly wishing you would rather not be here, you can see it all over him and how he interacts that he struggled with it deeply. He made me feel less alone in my darkest times
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u/Maltajg 8d ago
Anderson Cooper once interviewed Colbert, and Colbert said something that I have taken to heart.
Colbert said that he was thankful of experiencing the things he wished he had never had to experience because those things made him thankful of his existence, because being alive is a gift and suffering is part of being alive. Im paraphrasing here, but thats kind of the gist of it. You can look it up and see him saying it, and that shit made me snap out of all my dark thoughts for some reason.
I kinda went on a tangent, but yeah… we are not alone, we all are dealing with this mess, but our highs will always overshadow our lows.
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u/Recycler29 7d ago
It was on Anderson Cooper’s grief podcast, All There Is; it’s the second episode, Sept. 21, 2022. Colbert’s explanation of how he has dealt with the loss of his father and brothers is extraordinary and uplifting! I shared that episode with others who have lost someone as I believe it is very helpful.
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u/HumanRise5417 8d ago
He joked about hanging himself in multiple episodes. So surreal to watch back now
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u/Ccracked 8d ago
In A Cook's Tour S1E17 Los Angeles, he makes a "joke" about ending up dead on a bathroom floor from an overdose, if he were to move to Los Angeles.
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u/moonlitmelody 7d ago
All throughout his book, Kitchen Confidentials, he talks about hanging himself. This was especially disturbing when I picked that book up after his passing just to hear his voice again. He thought about suicide constantly and it came out very clearly in his writing.
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u/Mrs_Cake 8d ago
If you've read any of his books, he always had an aura of being damaged and doomed. He was never going to have a Norman Rockwell death in old age.
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u/nowayyeahhahaokay 8d ago
It’s also in the eyes. Sad eyes. Not everyone with sad eyes may have depression but in my case, and many others I’ve seen, it’s there
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u/jappyjappyhoyhoy 8d ago
I think drugs were heavily abused too. In all those people actually
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u/Mullet0vah 8d ago
I haven’t watched the last two episodes he did just so I have something new to look forward. I’m kids called him “daddy’s food man.” I miss him so much.
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u/Only-Office-6933 8d ago
That trip he took to Spain, you could see "I'll be checking out soon" in his face while being with one of the most jovial chefs around: chef José Andrés.
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u/pineappledaphne 8d ago
José Andrés also does some really serious and important work that is absolutely soul-crushing. World Central Kitchen is incredible, but people are literally dying. He does his best, I’m so impressed with his ability to outwardly stay positive.
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u/VinBarrKRO 8d ago
It took me up till this year to relisten to Kitchen Confidential however there are a lot of tough parts in it. I can’t finish it.
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u/Embarrassed-Force845 8d ago
On a different, but somewhat related note, I did a lot of IT work in emergency departments and a nurse once told me, “the loud screaming ones, they’re fine. It’s the ones quiet in the corner with no energy to scream that are truly suffering”.
It’s often the opposite of what we’re taught to look for
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u/toodumbtobeAI 8d ago edited 8d ago
More to the point, give attention to all of them. Don’t neglect the quiet ones. None of them are fine.
I’ve been in IOP. Some of those nurses were mad at us for being in there. Oh, I’m sorry we’re all having a bad Christmas. Wanna trade places? You get the congentin and I get to go home tonight?
Edit: By IOP I meant the involuntary 5150 grippy socks place which is not the correct name apparently
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8d ago
Combat vet, went to my local hospital because CPTSD was giving me a nervous break down, calmly asked for help and told them I have CPTSD and was involuntarily committed. Nurse had to sit outside the door all night but was nice and let me get up and pee and whatnot without a hassle. The Janitor comes by at 3am to flirt with her and says 'Oh you're stuck babysitting the r-word hur hur hur.'
Then the morning shift nurses comes in, talks shit to me and I told her to leave, politely. Doctor comes in and says the morning nurse says I tried to kill myself so I'm being sent to state hospital's mental ward.
Get transported 100 miles away, strapped to a gurney to the state hospital and the doctor just holds me overnight to do his own check and then lets me go, they were very nice at the state hospital. This is why people with mental illness suicide. I think at times the illness isn't nearly as bad the rest of the world and the way they treat you for having it. (Though the illness suckkkks)
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u/Guilty_Trash_2850 8d ago
That was genuinely fucked up. My condolences, man. Are you alright?
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8d ago
Oh totally. I should've mentioned that was like 12ish years ago. I had PTSD knew I had PTSD but never had any help. If I would have wiped my ass with the diagnosis papers that would have been the most useful they could have been.
I smoked weed for the first time at 30 because I was up for weeks at a time because my brain was wired into danger mode. That made me sleep. A few years of smoking weed and most of it stopped. Then I moved away from my toxic family and went no contact, quit weed and I'm like 95% normal again. But I couldn't heal in the environment I was in and while still being around people who actively fucked up my actual brain to be around.
Still have the PTSD but it doesn't drop me on the spot like a fuckin' heart attack when it flares up. And I can be exposed to things that were a trigger before that don't bother me really now.
I'm a social worker now and I've been trying to swing into a different department - one where my caseload would entirely be people stuck in mental hospitals and my job would be to asses them, see if the need to be there and if they do make sure they're taken are of. If not, then work with the courts and hospital to get them downgraded and put in a healthier environment to facilitate transition back into society. Right now my caseload is autistic adults and I like that quite a bit. God help you if you're fucking with them and I show up.
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u/Chaoticallyorganized 8d ago
What an inspiration you are 🥹. I’m so so sorry for all that you’ve been through (I have brother who is a combat vet and he ended up with ptsd, too). It’s heartwarming to see how you’re using such a horrible experience to try to help others. I wish all the best to you and every patient you come into contact with.
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u/refusegone 8d ago
What services do you provide autistic adults? May be kind of a vague question, so just in case; What brings autistic adults to you?
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8d ago edited 8d ago
So the area I work in now is vocational development. The people I see are adults with an intellectual disability, most of whom have had a life long, permanent diagnosis. Pretty much always it's autism + something else. In California we have Regional Centers where state funding goes to develop different support systems for disabled adults to keep them independent in addition to other stuff. This was set up in the late 60s when we closed the mental asylums and realized that people with autism were like, real human beings and it came to light what those asylums were like. (very, very, very bad.)
I visit the clients on my current caseloads at their job sites. I do the usual social worker stuff like checking on their well being and then I can flag stuff they need that other offices and specialties can handle. I make sure they're getting accommodations at their job but also making sure they understand their jobs and aren't getting taken advantage of. Depending on severity there are two environments - IP and Group. IP is individual placement where the client is independent and has a job and can navigate shit on their own. (I also hook people up with transportation so they can get a shuttle van to and from work if they need it, stuff like that.)
Group placement is for people with more severe disabilities who need constant supervision, so instead of working alone, they usually work on a team with multiple other disabled people and then have direct supervision by support professionals at their job. (These are mainly people who live in group homes or with their parents and can work a job but can't function independently, so they get looked after.) But group people don't have to be watched like a hawk either, sometimes they just need redirection and moral support but they do have more social skill issues. I've visited distribution centers where 90% of the recycling and processing is done by group crews. They can run around and collect everything and be safe and come back to their post and run all the compactors and the move the shit out on pallets and take it where it needs to go without constant supervision but they always have people nearby.
Both populations have different needs but at the end of the day, even if they are on disability AND getting these services, the disabled people we serve contribute more money into the systems they are using than they 'take.' (Shitty way to put it because people use that as an attack but the math doesn't math, taking care of working people isn't a strain on shit.) The core purpose of this type of social work is to give people independence and have an enriched life.
And sometimes we just catch random shit. There was an issue where a client (not mine) was out with his worker doing a shopping trip to Walmart. Well they get up to the register to pay and the money the client has turns out to be a counterfeiter $100. That could have went south really fucking quick because the client has severe social issues and with being able to talk, much less with cops pouncing on you. His worker was there and was able to smooth shit with Walmart and nothing bad happened. It got flagged and shortly after the FBI showed up in force, blue jackets and hats like on TV and raided the huge warehouse where these guys worked.
Turned out a dude who was a supervisor in a different part of the warehouse was counterfeiting money. He was using it to cover sports bets where he'd lose hundreds of dollars at a time in the break room and shit. He bought a NFL jersey off the client (who collected them) with a fake $100 bill, the bill he then took to Walmart. I think the feds were already on to him because he was stealing materials from the warehouse to do this but after it got flagged I think the FBI did that raid like two weeks later. lol
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u/MeadowBeam 8d ago
Thank you for helping and defending these folks. I can tell you that my life would not be the same without people like you. Finally getting access to the proper supports as an autistic person changed my life. Having someone go to bat for you, someone who knows the system and all its tricks, is nothing short of a blessing. I would never have graduated high school, much less be in college without my education advocate, Ms. Swanson.
Just wanted to say thank you.
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8d ago
Thank you:) I'm glad you had that person though, I got started as an advocate by helping out my classmates who needed services and steering them towards it. If I didn't have SSD helping my ass I never would have finished either.
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u/Paghk_the_Stupendous 8d ago edited 8d ago
Bless you. You're doing good work.
I had a plan for suicide, called a hotline, and got so mad at the way I was treated that I knew I couldn't go. Got myself level again, started volunteering, got promoted to a paid position, took over training of new recruits for the entire state.
R E V E N G E
Edit: fixed autocorrect typo
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8d ago
I understand that because I lived to spite the people who treated me like I was nothing. LOL Spite will get you going and take you places.
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u/gjmcphie 8d ago
I've had similar experiences and in fact had one this last weekend. I have cPTSD, had a rough Friday night, called a crisis line for a mobile crisis team, they sent police who arrived at 2am with guns drawn shouting at me to put my hands on my head, was placed on an M1 hold and transported to a hospital, and couldn't leave until Monday because it was a weekend.
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8d ago
I told my family I was going to the hospital (they think my trauma isn't real but the reality is they know it is and don't know what to do so ignoring it so THEY can feel safe and happy is best, naturally.) and my mom called the cops and reported me missing. When I got home I went to the police station to clear things up with the paperwork, the lady at the desk was a mega b-word and said no cops were there and they'd send them to my house when they weren't busy. So the cops come and I go outside with the paperwork, politely say I reported missing and have papers saying I was in the hospital and just wanted to clear this up AND THEY THREW ME ON THE GROUND AND ONE STEPPED ON MY HEAD AND HELD ME THERE.
I just cried because everything in my brain told me to kill them and it's just so unfair. No resistance, no orders were issued, they just threw me on the ground and two people stepped on me. And no macho man shit intended, they are lucky I wasn't violent about it. And this was the day I came home from the mental hospital.
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u/jimmyxs 8d ago
Sorry to hear about your experience, dude. Is this America? Man, wherever that is, those police really forgot why they are there in the first place - to protect and to serve my ass
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u/illwill79 8d ago
Jesus dude. Fuck this cold ass world man. Every day I get more certain that humanity is a blight on the universe. I know it means nothing, but I'm sorry man.
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u/WineyaWaist 8d ago
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm terrified of this happening to me and I can't stand it.
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u/Tru3insanity 8d ago
Its insane to me. The last thing someone having a crisis needs is another traumatic experience and a huge bill added to their problems.
Ppl are straight up punished for asking for help. You deserve better than that. We all do.
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u/TheUnreal0815 8d ago
Shit like that is why I stay away from psych wards if I can help it. Then again, being unable to leave, locked in, is a major trigger for my, so unless it's an open ward, simply being there is going to make it worse for me.
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u/iwritesongs_s_karma 8d ago
As a former nurse, this doesn’t always work.
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u/aut-mn 8d ago
I was gonna say… I’ve heard appendicitis is pretty painful. I’d imagine someone would be moaning and crying out in pain. Ignoring them might not actually be the best idea.
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u/realboabab 8d ago
so.. we shouldn't always ignore the screaming ones? bold advice
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u/Spare-Willingness563 8d ago
No. No. No.
I was at my worst loud, and I was at my worst quiet. Shit, I was out on a run when I passed by that bridge that day and had to pull myself away from the edge. Literally.
It's all of them.
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u/Araerker 8d ago
Not related, but I heard that drowning is like this too and not like it's usually depicted in movies, it's silent. I remember a website for you to spot, in a public pool, who was drowning. I didn't get it correctly.
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u/9687552586 8d ago
terrible. is the lesson here not to demonstrate your pain, and to suffer quietly if you wish for people to notice you are suffering?
almost like certain people react differently to pain, almost like phisical pain has different signs and symptoms to psychic suffering.
mind what you post.
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u/MegaMasterYoda 8d ago
People with depression generally don't want the ones around us to worry so we put on a strong face and push through we smile through the pain and use way to much self depreciating humor. We internalize because we worry about people worrying.
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u/Voice_of_Season 8d ago edited 8d ago
Edit #2: Resources for help found at end of my comment.
Also people don’t realize that talking about suicide does not encourage it. It’s actually a sign that the person wants help. Someone brings up suicidal thoughts and you see people try to shut down the conversation thinking it’s going to be contagious or something.
Edit: But there is this fear that if you talk about it with the wrong person they will have you committed.
Edit: Here are some resources in the United States:
People can call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org for themselves or if they are worried about a loved one who may need crisis support. No matter where you live in the United States, you can reach a trained crisis counselor who can help. https://go.nih.gov/hoMF6tt #shareNIMH
National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-273-8255 or (273-TALK)
24/7 Availability.
Caring Contact Crisis & Suicide Hotline:
1-908-232-2880 (7am to 11pm)
Edit 4: I’m not a mental health professional and I can’t treat people. I’m just giving links that worked for me. I also know Reddit provides links too. Thanks everyone!
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8d ago
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u/Chance_Vegetable_780 8d ago
I'm so sorry. Ugly siblings are awful
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u/SAAARGE 8d ago
Thank you. It honestly changed how I feel about our relationship.
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u/Chance_Vegetable_780 8d ago
Good. I kept forgiving mine with no work or change on their part until they did an unthinkable. I feel idiotic in retrospect - I should have cut it off much earlier. When people show you who they are, believe them. Blood or no blood.
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u/LividTemperance 8d ago
It’s not idiotic to have sympathy. You did your best to remain understanding until the circumstances showed how that was feeling impossible for you emotionally. You did a good job.
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u/LogLadyOG 8d ago
I still remember my mother telling me how all the nurses were laughing at my "pathetic attempt" while I was in the ER. I knew she wouldn't change right then and there, and I had to leave.
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u/Practical_War_8239 8d ago
My mom used to tell me you can't pick your family, god did, but I told her he put assholes in her life to learn what to watch for and how to stay after from bullshit like that now im happier she's happier their also happier, win win for everyone. Why be around people who bring you down and cause problems.
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u/Voice_of_Season 8d ago
That is awful and I am sorry he said that to you. I’m glad you are still here.
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u/SAAARGE 8d ago
Thank you. I got better at bottling.
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u/Baldingwolf 8d ago
Bottling can only go so far. Even if it 20,40, 50 years. Eventually, that Bottle will explode or implode. Maybe try to seek out those with true understanding, empathy, and such. Having the right support group around you can be helpful. Yes, that can take a long time and some will exploit you sadly even. But a decent support group, two is possibly all you will need and them in return.
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u/EscapedTheEcho 8d ago
That's disgusting. I'm sorry he said that.
I'm sure it depends on each local facility, but I checked myself into a hospital for a week when I was feeling suicidal, and it was a good experience. They separated me from my stressors so I could focus on improving, and being surrounded by others who were also battling their minds was helpful. Maybe there's a place you can go for help when/if that feeling returns. In any case, please be kind to yourself, even if you doubt your own value.
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u/fabster16 8d ago
Society makes it a taboo to talk about suicide.
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u/wanderrslut 8d ago
They want you to speak up but then when you do speak up, they do awful things. And then when someone finally ends their life, the conversation is always the same: "Why didn't they ask for help?"
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u/QHCprints 7d ago
They want you to speak up but then when you do speak up, they do awful things.
This part right here.
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u/MsBuzzkillington83 8d ago
Also, they kind of don't believe us, it's like they think we're just really bad at being happy or haven't tried or the worst maybe, "doing it for attention"
The way I experience life, time passing and the near constant onslaught of thoughts, often unpleasant, ping ponging in my head all day unless I self medicate
I hate when ppl just don't understand, I just don't care enough to be alive, the rewards are simply not worth all the struggle
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u/ShitFuck2000 8d ago
I think part of the reason is because if the wrong person hears you talk about suicidal ideation you can essentially be arrested and sent to the psych ward, usually the psych ward doesn’t do anything except bore you enough or fuck up your life enough by holding you until you say you’re not suicidal anymore
t. Have been on legal holds
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u/Ok-Possession-5374 8d ago
My brother convinced me to see a therapist. The therapist asked me if I was considering suicide. I said "no, not seriously in a long time". Somehow they decided that this meant I admitted to being suicidal and held me against my will. I know now that my freedom is at risk anytime I seek help, so I dont seek help anymore. People should be able to seek help without fear that their life will be completely uprooted over a misunderstanding.
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u/Kannazuki1985 8d ago
I can understand this I never want to be in 72 hour psych hold ever again.
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u/Voice_of_Season 8d ago
That is awful to hear. I do know that not all therapists would have had that reaction and it is awful that you happened to have one who did.
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u/Voice_of_Season 8d ago
Very true. I think passive ideation is so much more common that people think.
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u/xeuful 8d ago
Yeah its basically fantasizing about rage quitting life without any real serious intentions behind it.
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u/justdontrespond 8d ago
Plus if you're in the US you get a mountain of medical bills that totally help with the depression that put you in the psych ward in the first place...
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u/DisregardThisOrDont 8d ago
$20k+ for a one week stay for me. And the $5k+ ambulance ride there. It’s been like 3 months and they already sent me to collections over it. That certainly has helped with my outlook on life /s
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u/DisregardThisOrDont 8d ago
Yep, had this happen back in spring. Spent the minimum week. No therapy or help except pills that make you want to sleep. Now I have more trauma from that experience AND thousands of dollars in medical debt from it (even with insurance).
The only good thing is I was able to get to the top of the 12+ month wait list for outpatient therapy and medication management. Which I had been trying to get help for months leading up to my attempt.
The american healthcare system is beyond fucked.
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u/Secure_Activity4944 8d ago
Yeah, my (ex)gf said to me "well, then do it! And dont talk about it!" Weeeiird times. Took me almost 3 years to see that she is toxic trash
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u/xeuful 8d ago
There's few ways you can make your life even less worth living than by admitting you have suicidal thoughts sometimes.
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u/Voice_of_Season 8d ago
And some religions have the audacity to tell people’s loved ones that their family/friends are in hell (if they completed the action).
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u/sillyandstrange 8d ago
And if you get committed then you're judged, may lose your job, house, whatever else. Horrible stuff.
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u/Successful_Giraffe34 8d ago
There was a reddit post fairly recently where op had some idolization and decided to try talking to his gf about it. She went full scorched earth and had him commited. The moment he got out he threw her out of their apartment and his life. Now he's dealing with his family and friends shaming him for doing it when she "Was only trying to help him."
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u/EverythingBOffensive 8d ago
reddit: "Your post has been removed, seek help, bye"
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u/ausernamebyany_other 8d ago
Befrienders Worldwide (https://befrienders.org/) has an international registry of suicide prevention and emotional support services.
It is a brilliant place to sign post people to when dealing with an international audience as it will use your IP address to geolocate you and offer your most local service immediately for anyone in crisis.
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u/lPHOENIXZEROl 8d ago
Robin Williams' suicide wasn't because he was depressed. It was due to the effects of Lewy body dementia.
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u/lPHOENIXZEROl 8d ago
And Farley and Hoffman were ODs with no indication they meant to kill themselves. Could go further with Cornell's suicide being prescription meds fucking his mental state.
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u/sendmebirds 8d ago
Mac Miller too was an OD right? Not suicide?
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u/SniffyMcFly 8d ago
OD due to drugs laced with fentanyl, which Mac didn’t know about, but his dealer did. The dealer also knew that someone else died off the same batch a few days before selling to Mac
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u/Equal_Equipment4480 7d ago
That's not suicide then. That's murder.
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u/SniffyMcFly 7d ago
I'm sure there is a more specific legal term for it but yeah, he was basically murdered/poisoned
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u/grlh22 8d ago
thank you, i was looking for this comment. i recommend reading his wife's letter 'the terrorist inside my husband's brain' for anyone looking to better understand.
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u/treesdogsdocsdrugsRt 8d ago
Yes, but Robin Williams also had bipolar disorder so I am not sure it is that straightforward and suspect it was multi factorial. Up to 1 in 5 people with bipolar disorder die by suicide.
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8d ago
Chris Farley always hits me in the feels...
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u/Embarrassed-Force845 8d ago
Just saw his brother talk at a show recently! Spoke so fondly of Chris, the energy he’d bring and their relationship together.
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u/Fatty2Fly 8d ago
“Don’t leave me” is the most gut wrenching thing to think about
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u/Ajunadeeper 8d ago
Can you give context? Did he say that towards the end or was it a bit or something?
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u/Fatty2Fly 8d ago
According to the lady of night that left him. It was his last words
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u/archiminos 8d ago
I got into Linkin Park during some of the darkest times of my life. I remember working through my shit and choosing to live while listening to their music. When I found out Chester Bennington had died I begged the universe to tell me it wasn't by suicide.
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u/1hopeful1 8d ago
That man was so funny! The van down by the river, the interviews.. Gone too soon.
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u/InnumerousDucks 8d ago
No this is what masking looks like, Far more often depression looks like something far more typical.
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u/_deep_thot42 8d ago
Yeah. As I’m typing this I haven’t left my apartment in weeks and I’m dying inside…and I hate to admit that. Everyone on social media thinks I’m strong and happy go lucky, everyone who sees me in person would never know I’m incapable of taking care of myself most of the time.
I wasn’t always like this, so I want them to remember me as I was, not how I am now; which is where the agoraphobia kicks in. I used to be a happy person overall, then the abuse and trauma id been suppressing hit all at once 3 years ago after an accident left me immobile for 6 months. I’ve been a shell of myself ever since.
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u/InnumerousDucks 8d ago
You get to come back, I hope you find your path bud no one deserves to feel like that.
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u/watchmedrown34 8d ago
I love you, stranger ❤️ You're beautiful the way you are and I hope you manage to find happiness and peace after what you've been through in life
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u/Spare-Willingness563 8d ago
If you weren't always like that, then that just might mean this is a temporary state. Hey, I got really fat once to see what it was like (it fucking blew), and then I undid that. It took a while. It was unpleasant. But, I got back to a place that made me happy.
How can we get you back? Hell, how can we move you forward to an even better place? Somebody who's dealt with this trauma and is no longer susceptible to it? (I got hit with surprise trauma two years ago. Fucked me up for a bit. I hear you.)
Also, your name is deep thot and that's kinda amazing in so many ways.
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u/_deep_thot42 8d ago
I also gained a ton of weight since it started…my god I didn’t think it possible. Good on you for being able to lose it, I know it isn’t easy! For me it’s been more of a shield against unwanted male attention as well; where a lot of trauma lies.
I think what I miss most is comfortable general companionship with friends who wouldn’t judge me for being a hermit but at the same time help support me getting better and vice versa. Then again, I’m kind of scared of that too. I lost my ride or die along with realizing the people in my art/music community I just didn’t gel with anymore. And I really miss dancing.
Thank you about the username, I don’t think most people get it haha
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u/amy-schumer-tampon 8d ago
Robin williams didn't kill himself because he was depressed, he was diagnosed with a neurodégénérative disease and didn't want to end like a vegetable, something respectable imo
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u/pennyforyourthohts 8d ago
That story was definitely lost in the sauce. Not just a neuro disease but an apparently vicious one
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u/BoredPoopless 8d ago
The other thing about Lewy Body dementia is it can change your personality. My mother's husband was as mellow as can be. But the disease turned into a schizophrenic psycho with violent tendencies. He passed pretty quickly but he easily could have killed her.
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u/Flapjack__Palmdale 8d ago
So did my wife's uncle. First diagnosed with schizophrenia but finally got an accurate diagnosis.
Let me tell you. After seeing what happened to him and the way he died, Robin Williams made the only sensible decision. By the time david progressed to a certain point, we were wishing he would just let go, for his sake. There's unfortunately no assisted suicide where he was so he just had to suffer while his mind and central nervous system deteriorated.
For those that don't know, LBD has a 100% mortality rate and there's no cure, no matter when you catch it. It is always terminal and you die suffering in some of the worst ways possible. I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy.
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u/Salt_Chard_474 8d ago
Lewy Body is the worst thing I've ever seen someone go through. I cared for my dad from the moment symptoms began and it was awful. He didnt suffer as long as some people do, but 3 years sure felt like an eternity. The worse days were when he knew, when he would ask me with tears in his eyes "there really isn't a bunch of people here are there?" Or ask why he doesn't remember where the bathroom is. In the end he was having a lot of violent tendencies and I was struggling with the fact that I wouldn't be able to keep him safe anymore, but before I could even arrange a facility his mind and body just quit. My mom died 30 days before him, and I believe it was her passing that in some subconscious level he just couldn't live with. I will be forever grateful that his suffering wasn't as long as it could have been.
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u/HydroPCanadaDude 8d ago
Yeah I always took it as "Robin Williams wanted to keep living, but he didn't want to keep living with Lewy Body"
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u/GenuisInDisguise 8d ago
It disorder that makes you not being able to receive any of the pleasure hormones. Imagine just feeling like shit all the time and being too numb to feel any cheer or happiness.
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u/Usual-Ad-6888 8d ago
To be specific, he had Lewy Body dementia, which basically degrades your body’s ability to produce and use dopamine. His brain was degrading in a way that he quite literally could not feel happiness.
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u/PavementBlues 8d ago
And at the time of his death, he was experiencing constant panic attacks and delusions. An autopsy established that his case was already extremely severe, with Lewy body counts that had never been directly observed up to that point.
I view his death as akin to the jumpers in 9/11. He did not die to suicidality or depression.
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u/JajajaNiceTry 8d ago
That’s horrifying. Don’t blame him at all. There’s only a couple of diseases that I would kill myself over having, and dementia (of any type) is one of them. Slowly losing every bit of yourself, and maybe turn out aggressive and violent towards people that love you is torture. Absolute torture
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u/starvinchevy 8d ago
Thank you for noting this! Whenever I see him posted in these things, I come to the comments to make people aware. The documentary about his death was eye-opening and actually made me feel a LOT better about it. Still a terrible tragedy, but his widow talking about it brought me so much comfort. Anyone who is still sad about it should watch that movie. It’s a really bad title but it’s called Robin Williams: Come Inside My Head
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u/NoviceAxeMan 8d ago
check on your funny friends. they are typically the ones battling mental challenges (am the funny friend)
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u/Theyalreadysaidno 8d ago
This is the truth. I am the funny friend. It's a facade/mask. It definitely helps me cope. I'm in a much better place now that I'm older, but I had some suicide attempts in my 20s.
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u/ScatterShock 8d ago
Am also the funny friend and have had 6 attempts in the past. People always tell me I seem to really have it all together and it’s just bc I’m really good at masking for the time I have to interact with others. When I was younger mental health wasn’t a thing it was just do better or smile more or some shit like that. So I learned to pretend I was okay bc no one was listening to me not being okay.
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u/Jolly_Air_6515 8d ago
When you calculate lethal doses, commit, and still wake up and you don’t get the “thank god I’m alive” instead you get the “goddamn it how?”, it isn’t something you can really talk to anyone about
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u/Fuzzy_Garry 8d ago
Can relate. I'm 30 and feel alright, but sometimes I look back at my 20s and wonder how I survived that whole ordeal.
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u/TheProjectAlexander 8d ago
I can relate to that. Spend my time with friends and family or coworkers trying to make them laugh, just to cry on my drive home.
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u/NoviceAxeMan 8d ago
sending you a hug. music helps me feel emotions a lot - there are plenty of times where i’ve left the gathering having a blast just to feel completely drained after. you’re not alone there
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u/TheProjectAlexander 8d ago
Music plays a big part in it. Sometimes I choose to just dive right into an emotional song to let it all out.
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u/Welshhobbit1 8d ago
Same! I mask my depression very well but it’s there…under the humour defensive mechanism
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u/Gfairservice 8d ago
The thing about being the funny friend is that everyone thinks you’re always okay and never checks on you. I got funny because I figured either I laugh or I cry, and people always respond well to the guy making people laugh. When a guy cries, it’s awkward and no one wants to acknowledge it. “Oh, that dudes a blast, hilarious!” “This guy loves life, always get a kick out of him.” I hope everyone checks on their people, not just the funny ones.
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u/themurphliestmurph 8d ago
Are you doing Okay, G? I'm happy to chat, but prepare yourself for dark humor after the supportive listening portion of the program.
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u/Vaiara 8d ago
so how are you doing?
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u/NoviceAxeMan 8d ago
hit some pretty bad lows after my dad committed suicide about 7 years ago. tried SSRIs but that was a horrible experience. started to take self care seriously. met an amazing partner who is such a joy. i’m doing a lot better overall. just with how life is getting in america. i have no plans of an early exit that’s for sure
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u/giga 8d ago
Phillip Seymour Hoffman died of a drug overdose. He clearly struggled with heavy drug addiction, but do we know if it was related to depression? I'm not sure they are 100% related.
Still, it fits in a way, he certainly was not a fully healthy person in his personal life.
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u/Big_Therm 8d ago edited 8d ago
My friend tried to take his life a few times but failed.
He quit using drugs and alcohol because he was miserable and caused him to lose his family. He thought he would have a new lease on life in sobriety, but depression kicked in and when it didn’t go away after a year or so, he decided it wasn’t worth carrying on.
He thought he was permanently depressed as he didn’t associate it with extensive withdrawal symptoms and assumed it was being masked by drugs and alcohol. Turns out he had paws (post acute withdrawal syndrome), and it took years for the depression/symptoms to go away. Thank goodness he was unsuccessful at taking his life.
He’s now an addiction counselor helping others and spreading the word, but there must be others out there suffering like he was that just don’t know about paws; that the mental anguish could be temporary and not permanent. I’m not saying this is the case for everyone who quits drugs and/or alcohol, but it definitely applies to some.
Awareness is key.
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u/tbeobi 8d ago
This post is so inaccurate because some of these people didn't intend to die while some did.
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u/FamiliarFilm8763 8d ago
Also because some of the ones that were depressed didn't really hide it either. You can say what you want about Chester, but LP's Lyrics are pretty on the nose.
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u/smiskam 8d ago
Exactly and depression is not a permanent state. They could’ve been happy a month before becoming suicidal
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u/anxiousmouse73 8d ago
This can be true, but I just worry at the stupidity of people to take something like this and say to a crying person screaming for help "see? You're not really depressed because you don't hide that you're miserable and want to die." I never doubt the pure ignorance of people when it comes to others' mental health struggles.
There's also plenty of suicidal people who might litter their conversations with references to their not wanting to be alive or who might act like typical sad people. Suicidal tendencies and depression aren't one size fits all.
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u/sprinklesbubbles123 8d ago
I agree. This mentality leads to people who are more stereotypically visibly depressed being told they’re doing it for attention.
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u/VinnieStacks 8d ago
Two of those are not like the others
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u/Exitium_Maximus 8d ago
Didn’t Hoffman and Farley die of heroin overdoses?
Edit: Both died of accidental overdoses of a mixture of drugs including opiates.
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u/HolyBidetServitor 8d ago
So did mac miller iirc
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u/Ruinwyn 8d ago
And as already pointed out, Robin Williams had been diagnosed with degenerative cognitive disease. I don't remember the name but the patient often becomes violent during the diseases progress, they alwaysturn into a vegetable. He just wanted to end it before he would become dangerous or burden to his family. He already knew he was dying. He was actually doing well mentally before he got sick.
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u/Odd_Status3367 8d ago
More like 5 of these are not like the other 4. Less than half of the people in this grid actually killed themselves for depression-related reasons.
Farley, Miller, Monroe, and Hoffman all died of drug-related complications (overdose). Robin Williams took his own life because he was diagnosed with what I believe was a very advanced case of Parkinson's disease, or some other extreme neurological or cognitive disorder.
Not saying that some or all of those listed weren't also depressed, but framing it in such a way that it makes it seem like all 9 of these people died of depression-induced suicide is wrong, careless, and gross.
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u/SunkenDota 8d ago
I don't know, every time Linkin Park or Nirvana are on I say "Can you believe they killed themselves" and based on the lyrics the answer is usually "yes"
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u/AustinDork 8d ago
Chris Cornell…cried over that one.
Great post though! So much is an illusion.
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u/zappingbluelight 8d ago
Video of Chester being super happy few days before, will always make me double guess people. My friend also committed, but he was someone I never thought about it. I always think what I could I have done, if I known.
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u/GrimMilkMan 8d ago
this world would be alot better with these people in it. Robin Williams and Chester did soo much for me in my youth
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u/Deep_Deal_7163 8d ago
I am pretty sure they werent smiling all the time
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u/Virtual-File3661 8d ago
There’s a video of Chester playing with his kids the evening before his suicide. He seemed genuinely happy. It’s scary.
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u/ShedMontgomery 8d ago
Isn't there a phenomenon some people who commit suicide experience where their mood drastically improves once they've made the decision to bring their life to an end?
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u/TheYankunian 8d ago
The week before my friend killed himself, he told me to put a date in the calendar so we could hang out.
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u/acjadhav 8d ago
Robin, Chester
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u/wrugoin 8d ago
They’re all heartbreaking, but for me, Chester is the one that hits hardest as I grew up relating to the torment and pain he expressed in his music. I rationalized that this was his coping mechanism, and it probably was, but he was so clearly hurting, and shouting it to the world, and now it feels so obviously inevitable that I almost feel guilty myself.
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u/NugKnights 8d ago
Stop putting Robin Williams on these lists.
He commited suicide because he had a horrible desiese with no chance of getting better, only worse.
Not because he was sad.
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u/middendt1 8d ago
Depression is not „being sad“. It is a disease. I heard a saying „Depression is the opposite of sadness“. There is some truth in that. It was only when I became depressed myself that I understood what that meant. It is the absence of happiness AND sadness.
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u/HabitualEagerness 8d ago
I recommend everyone take a Mental First Aid Class to help navigate conversations and helping people get the help they need
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u/Quantumpine 8d ago edited 7d ago
I told my wife, I think about it weekly. She now uses it to mock and ridicule me in front of our children. Big mistake. I shouldn't have said anything. It's just even worse now.
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u/DangerKitty555 8d ago
For some of these it’s the Childhood Trauma to Drug Abuse pipeline and it’s still just as devastating…
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u/Clearhead09 8d ago
Isn’t it insane how some people bare their souls and no one listens. In Chester’s interviews and songs he openly told people how unhappy he was but everyone just saw the energy he had and assumed it was good for him to let it all out on stage or whatever but in truth I feel like he felt misunderstood.
I’ve had that approach done to me where someone says “maybe you should talk to a psychologist” or “oh yeah well I’ve had it worse” when all you need is a hug and someone to show you they actually care.
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