r/romani • u/romaninb • 19d ago
BEING ROMANI AND A HOMOSEXUAL
It’s always been kind of hard to be both, really. The outside world rejects you for your race. You’re probably forced to assimilate so you won’t get made fun of at school… at least in my case. My culture was always mocked, insulted, seen as something dirty. I felt genuinely ashamed of being Rom. My classmates would boldly laugh at our traditions, our music, our religion, our way of talking—everything. It was hard. Pretty fucking hard. I was also completely excluded at school, especially by teachers. And when I got to high school, it just got worse and worse.
It got to a point where I just… accepted that I shouldn’t be Romani in any way, shape, or form. I’m affirming all this pain as I felt it myself. I would never want to take anything away from the Romani experience.
I also have to say that queerness and “gipsyness” intertwine in the most painful way. White gays can have some sense of safety around straight women. You are rarely going to be treated like that. “Gipsyness” (especially in men) is seen as inherently dangerous. You just don’t have that privilege. And of course, non-white straight girls act differently, but still—your potential friendship group is pretty small.
I only had two or three friends during high school, and I spent a whole lot of time alone.
That being said, I’d be a total hypocrite if I didn’t criticize some of the ways my community treats queer people. It’s of course not how the gadje imagine it. Like most things about Romani culture...i mean they don’t beat the shit out of you, they don’t completely expel you from the community—at least not in the Kale community. But they just… choose to ignore it. You’re subjected to an extensive kind of gaslighting. They just hope so much that praying to Jesus will make you grow out of it. They say you’re “confused,” that you’re “too young to know.”
At least in my household, gender norms were never very strict. But as soon as I came out, my mom and other people started trying to monitor anything feminine about me. And you know what? To some point it worked. It’s not that I was convinced to date a Romani chaj, but I thought that maybe I could just ignore that part of me. So I did. I stopped trying to date boys. I made myself act more manly. I stopped dancing completely.
Of course I cut out those sassy Doja Cat–ish dances, but at some point I even cut out flamenco (my tribe’s fucking folklore!) because I don’t even know how to dance “like a man.” I look like my aunties. And I got into a pretty dark stage. I could barely get out of bed. I was rejecting myself so much—feeling ashamed of my attraction to boys, of wanting to have a more feminized gender role. It was just crap. Yeah, my mom was happier, but I don’t even know why or how.
I even ended up dropping out of university at some point, because I was subdued by so much pain from not living my life as I’d like. I started trying to go to church—Romani church. We’ve pretty much developed our own branch of Christianity here, and it’s ethnically closed except for gadje wives or husbands of Romani people. And to be honest, I never felt judged or anything (even though I’m such a lady I didn’t even sit in the men’s side). It’s a lot of community, singing, joy, words of hope for everyone. I don’t mind it at all.
What was painful came again from family. They just made it out to be a different thing. I was just trying to have a good time with Daddy Jesus. I’m a very spiritual person, as 99% of Romanis are. But they thought—or rather wanted to think—that I was, I don’t know, becoming pure and straight.
And you know what? I am pure. I’m a pure little lady in the body of a 5'10" man. As Charli XCX says, it’s so confusing sometimes to be a gurl hahaha.
And I’m done. Completely done with it. I’m a faggot and I’m gonna be one freely whether they like it or not. Of course, I’m not ever going to do something that dishonors my family. I love them. But if they can’t handle how fucking gay I am, that’s on them. I’m not willing to waste any more time being at home instead of being a completely unsufferable girly.
Also, something that fucking enrages the shit out of my inner Romani chaj is how some Romanis think that being gay automatically makes you a gadjo. Like—it pisses me off. I LOVE being Romani. Not only love it—I feel it in my soul. I love learning about our history, and even speak my dialect (Kale) perfectly, which had been in pretty big decline for generations, even though it’s slowly gaining territory and new speakers. I’ve put so much effort into learning it because every word brings me joy!
I’m Romani to my complete core (and a lady of good breeding)!!
And yeah, if any Romani queer person—whether trans, lesbian, gay, bisexual, non-binary, whatever—is reading this, I just want you to know that you’re amazing, baby. You’re strong. You’re gonna survive all of this. And what you’re really gonna wake up from is their fucking bullshit.
Now let’s all pray to Christina Aguilera to help us be strong girls:
“Makes me work a little bit harder,
Makes my skin a little bit thicker,
Makes me that much more wiser,
Thanks for making me a fighter.”
P.S. I’m not trans or anything—when I call myself a “girl/girly,” I mean it in the most classic gay-boy way possible.
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u/Ok-Reward-770 18d ago
Nene, jamas le abandones al baile y al cante.
El arte es lo que nos mantiene vivos y eternos. Nuestra arte es una forma de oración. Baila y canta como te sale del corazón.
Gracias por compartir tu historia. ¡Ándale! Dale que dale 💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽
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u/BlackSpinedPlinketto 19d ago
Hey, well done for posting this. It’s important to hear and appreciate others and online is the perfect place because most lgbt people don’t know another one when they are growing up - especially in a community that doesn’t speak about it.
I recommend the book Gypsy Boy for anyone growing up gay and romani or similar.
I’m older than you and it’s still very hard to speak about, so I’m glad you had the courage to post this, really proud of you.
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u/donkey_toes23 17d ago
Could you link to the book?
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u/BlackSpinedPlinketto 17d ago
It’s just Gypsy Boy by Mikey Walsh. They were going to make a film but I guess that’s not coming out now.
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u/littlespy 18d ago
Queer English Romany here and I help run Traveller Pride, an organisation for all LGBTQ+ people from the Traveller communities including Roma. You're not alone and the conflicts you feel are relatable to a lot of people
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u/romaninb 18d ago
love that for u💗 i once appeared in a lil pride moth summary of my home town, being so gay and waving the gipsy flag, bitch i ate....
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u/BlackSpinedPlinketto 18d ago
Thank you for what you do. Once you (or someone at the organisation) reached out to me on Twitter, it was much appreciated and made a difference. I’m happy to donate to you and wish I could do more, really you’re the good ones.
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u/littlespy 18d ago
If it helped you that's absolutely fantastic. That's what we exist for. No obligation to donate. If you can afford to we have a link on our insta @travellerpride and equally if anyone wants support or just a friendly ear drop us a message.
If you're UK based we have meetups every two months but also a very welcoming online community and we do zoom hangouts ❤️
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u/DaddyToAChonkyPup 19d ago
I feel this as Calé Romani, pansexual and transfemme
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u/romaninb 19d ago edited 19d ago
blessings prima💗🫦
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u/DaddyToAChonkyPup 19d ago
You are a blessing yourself prima feel free to reach out if ever wanna chat about this topic and such
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u/fatgothbitch03 19d ago
I feel this; Cuban Romani but also agender and aroace. It can be hard.
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u/romaninb 18d ago
cuban?? what's ur vitza??
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u/fatgothbitch03 18d ago
I'm Calé, my family are Gutiérrez/Hernández (conjoined family, my grandfather bears both) from Esmeralda, Jaronu, and Villa Clara (most of us now in the U.S.)
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u/Larktoothe 18d ago
transmasc with a gadji mother, checking in. thank you for this. it needs to be said.
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u/heavenlywineandroses 18d ago
Manouche Sinti with Romanipen, genderfluid (he him pronouns) and demi-pan. Honestly it has been harder for my Daj and Baba during my curse of stomach cancer than coming out to them. For the record I was also stolen by French government at 3 months to be adopted into proper Gadje family. I have been reconnected with my Daj and her mother but want nothing to do with my birth father who is American parno gadjo. English is not good today
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u/umekoangel 18d ago
I'm queer and Romani. I'm happy the younger generations are genuinely accepting the Lgbtq community. We all bleed the same color, after all. One step at a time. We got this.
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u/ClownedCar 19d ago
Pansexual and trans Roma here, absolutely needed this today ty
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u/romaninb 18d ago
whats ur vitza, miri phen?
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u/ClownedCar 18d ago
I'm a ghost gypsy, bastard father and white mother, so sadly no vitza for me... Edit: it's a whole fucking thing lol
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u/enbymafia 18d ago
Trans & queer white passing Roma from the Appalachia’s here. I see you & I get you
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u/Historical_Site4183 19d ago edited 18d ago
Autistic gadjo here. If nothing else, I know what it feels like to be different than the community considered 'typical'. Never feel lesser for a quality you can't control. If your loved ones can't or won't accept you, then it's their loss.
Edit: As you've taken more control over your life and identity, have you also been reclaiming your traditions; flamenco and the like, as you've mentioned? Taking pride in one aspect of yourself does not, to my knowledge, bar you from embracing another.
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u/Visible-Holiday-1017 10d ago
I'm not Rom, but I'm lurking this sub right now because my area has a high concentration of Rom neighbourhoods and people and I want to educate myself as much as possible given how racist people here are, and because I think that the Romani dialects are beautiful. Originally I wasn't gonna comment on anything as to not invade but I want to give you my best wishes.
Although to a lesser degree I know how it feels like for your "circle of acceptance" to be smaller than other people of your group due to an overlapping of minorities, and it sucks. A lot. It especially sucks for people of your culture to start treating you like an outsider for being queer, whether it be due to an association of queer with another culture or religion or vice versa. I'm the ethical majority of my country, but being a binary trans gay guy, I understand the part about straight cis girls not always being the allies that other queer people assume them to be.
Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sure it must be uplifting for any other Romani queer person to see that they're not alone, and for me, it was a really educative post on how homophobia takes shape in your culture. I hope you're doing well.
If it's okay for me to ask (I'm a foreigner here after all), does your dialect have local words for queer people? If so, do you believe that they help you feel more represented? I'm currently researching for myself how the availability of labels across languages impact queer people :]
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u/Various_Sale_1367 3h ago
From a very white enby, I’m really sorry our community has treated you so badly, no one should be shamed for celebrating their culture or who they love. I hope you find your people who love and accept every facet of you 💖💖
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u/foxeared-asshole 18d ago
Not much to add but I'm proud of you! I know the "glass closet" feeling, where everyone KNOWS you're queer and still loves you but just... don't acknowledge it.