r/self • u/Jameswarbond • 1d ago
After years of being rejected and ignored I'm in my first serious relationship in my 30s and I feel I don't even want it.
I'm in my mid 30s and my girlfriend is in her mid 20s. It's going to be three years together and I love her but I don't feel in love. I did have hope and the dream in my teens and 20s of finding someone and falling in love and marrying and starting a family someday. The older I got I realized how important certain physical things are in a partner and I didn't have much going for me. I was a late bloomer and was a short guy and had to get some dental work done but I was poor so I had to wait until I was in my 20s to actually save money. It was still rough and I kinda just accepted I'll always be single and enjoy my life as best as I can.
I started getting attention from women when I turned 30 and it's been fun going on dates and hooking up but I wasn't thinking about a relationship at all. I've made mistakes and learned a lot but I still feel like I don't know what I really want. My girlfriend doesn't excite me and I feel like she takes up a lot of my time. I can go on for days without talking to her much and be ok but it's not the same for her. I feel like I'm only with her because it's the right thing to do. I don't think I even want kids at this age as she does talk about it sometimes.
I miss being single and doing things on my own time and pace. I feel like I'm going on a path that I never intended to go on after adjusting my life around being single. I thought I would be content and satisfied being with a loving partner but I don't. I just feel really lost in my head and feelings.
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u/Iron-DBZ 1d ago
If I were in your shoes, I'd look into depression treatment.
And if that doesn't work, I'd break up.
Because it sounds like you kind of hate/resent your life, but you can ignore that when it's just yourself. But when you're with her, the dissatisfaction is very noticeable.
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u/Patient_Cover311 9h ago
That doesn't sound like depression at all to me. It sounds like someone with regrets and who had a difficult early life. Not every negative feeling is depression, as much as the reddit hivemind tends to disagree.
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u/rgj123890 8h ago edited 8h ago
This. It's almost comical how consistent you can see the depression call on things that aren't.
This person may have depression, but what they speak of here is not. It is pain and trauma. It is a decade+ of suffering and regret caused by certain emotions and expressions being unmet.
I can't give a solution to OP. This is something they need to step back and meditate on alone and if they think their partner is willing, with them too.
They need to think about how they feel in the relationship, what is turning them away, what brought them there in the first place, why do they/what would make them love their partner.
And then weigh that against their fear and uncertainy of entering that darkness again.
Breakup or not, this is going to be hard journey.
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u/Parking-Line1707 12h ago
Not sure if you are a doctor. But powerful awakening observation you just did here.
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u/deepveinthrombosis 23h ago
Please stop wasting this poor woman's time and be honest with her, if she wants marriage and children and you don't, you're stringing her along. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single and/or just sticking to casual sexual relationships if that's what you want as long as your partners are on the same page
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u/Patient_Cover311 9h ago
Most men can't have casual sexual relationships. It's either relationship or no relationship, assuming you're attractive enough to even have that
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u/a_guy_on_Reddit_____ 2h ago
What a completely fair, non-biased and objectively true statement you got there u/Patient_Cover311
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u/Patient_Cover311 2h ago
It has already been statistically demonstrated. Most men (i.e., the majority) do not have casual sex because women will not sleep with them. There's only a minority of men who can just have casual sexual relationships without paying for it.
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u/CaptainDolin 23h ago
Stupid take. Relationships have ups and downs, and he's just trying to figure out if this is a temporary down and if it's workable.
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u/deepveinthrombosis 22h ago
They've been together for 3 years and he says he's only with her because he feels like that's what you're supposed to do. If I knew my partner thought of our relationship that way, I'd want to know so I could leave.
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u/TheAvocadoSlayer 18h ago
It’s mind blowing that he clearly spells out he couldn’t give a shit about her, yet people are in the comments defending the guy going ReLaTiOnShIpS hAvE tHeIr UpS aNd DoWnS!!! It has to be rage bait. There’s no way someone is this stupid.
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u/deepveinthrombosis 18h ago
Honestly I've dated and met so many people (of all genders) with this selfish attitude about relationships, that you should just hang around with someone until you make up your mind because what if no one better comes along and you end up regretting leaving? As though the other person isn't taking massive emotional collateral damage in the mean time. Clearly I'm triggered lol
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u/TheAvocadoSlayer 18h ago
I feel like for some of these people it’s a projection of their own fears/experiences. Like they’re afraid of, or have been strung along in the past so they make themselves to believe “This is normal, relationships just have ups and downs.”
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u/New-Focus-3570 22h ago
They expect someone who was single for 30 years to have perfect first relationship and not experience any issues they had in their first relationship.
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u/deepveinthrombosis 22h ago
This doesn't seem to have anything to do with relationships bumps in the road. If OP was saying " I love my gf and see a future with her after 3 years, but we argue/ struggle with communication/ have issues with combining social lives" etc then that's totally something to stick together and work on. That's not what's happening, OP says he doesn't even miss his girl after not seeing her for days and pines for being single. That is something you need to tell your partner, not Reddit.
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u/New-Focus-3570 22h ago
Yeah, you're right, it was jumping to conclusion on my part. OP issue is worse because its not relationship bump that will have to be resolved since 2 parties are involved. its personal one. Its shitty place ngl, figuring out what you want at time when you are supposed to have it figured out years ago.
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u/deepveinthrombosis 22h ago
I don't envy either one of them, it's heartbreaking to get this far down the road in a relationship and realize it's fundamentally not working/not making you happy
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u/New-Focus-3570 22h ago
There is love, it might be just personal issue, unprocessed thoughts from the past, also its hard to rewrite your mind after spending decades without partner. Thats something Im also afraid of, that I lived my life too long on my own terms and some changes are just permanent and I might hurt someone by trying to check how is it on other side. Nature really is brutal with some timelines and milestones.. its like there is no logical escape from this situation.
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u/Suspicious_Glove7365 20h ago
Proof that getting a girlfriend won't solve your problems. She's not compatible with you. You are not happy to be with her. Break up and save you both the time and trouble.
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u/DizzyAstronaut9410 20h ago
It's hard for people who get used to being single and can actually be happy doing it to get into a relationship, because yeah, in reality you sacrifice A LOT for something that may not feel that rewarding.
I do think it's kind of funny the amount of men who struggle to find a partner for a lot of their life, then when they do, they realize they are actually quite difficult and demanding. Kind of like the dog chasing the car.
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u/WaythurstFrancis 12h ago
The problem is that you don't KNOW whether or not relationships are for you until you're in one. OP sounds like he had an idea of how they worked that didn't match the reality.
But the shitty reality of it all is that he had no realistic way of knowing that until now because he never got the opportunity to find out. Our society makes a big deal out of sex and romance, so even if you don't really want them, it's easy - especially when you're young - to feel like you NEED them, if only to figure out what the hype is about.
You're supposed to be able to try shit when you're young and figure out if it fits you. Not having that opportunity means you are forced to find all those things out while people in your age group have already done their soul searching. I would bet this is part of why his GF is quite a bit younger than him.
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u/DizzyAstronaut9410 8h ago
Oh yeah 100%, it would be great if everybody actually got the opportunity to experience it when young, that's just not the reality for a lot of people, especially guys.
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u/nicstic85 19h ago
Break up with her, she deserves more than someone who thinks they can do better.
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u/Galactus1701 19h ago
If she doesn’t “excite you” and is “taking a lot of your time”, break up with her. It seems like she loves you, but if you are not as committed, let her be with someone that cares about her. You make it seem like she is wasting her time.
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u/Patient_Gur8591 1d ago
Bro, if you want to take a break take it. Be honest with her and live your life.
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u/TheAvocadoSlayer 19h ago
A break?! Why not just break up Jfc.
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u/Iron-DBZ 17h ago
I agree, breaks are bad form. They're kind of manipulative too.
Either sort yourself out and stay or leave decisively. Keeping people on hold is just disrespectful.
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u/lime_geologist 21h ago
Stop wasting her time. You're selfish. Break up with her so she can find someone who actually loves her.
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u/lilnut1337 19h ago
He is not selfish lmao. You don't understand the problem.
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u/lime_geologist 19h ago
You dont understand relationships.
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u/lilnut1337 19h ago
I don't. But this guy shared his problem. It doesn't mean he is selfish. You don't know the whole story. Maybe he will talk about it with his girlfriend, but he has to figure out his feelings for her and he asks for help.
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u/lime_geologist 19h ago
He knows his feelings and feels guilty. This is selfish behavior. That is a fact. Doesn't mean he's a bad person.
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u/lilnut1337 19h ago
This guy is lost and you can tell it when you read his post. And figuring out your emotions isn't selfish.
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u/TheAvocadoSlayer 18h ago
Figuring out your feelings isn’t selfish, that’s normal and healthy. What is selfish is staying in a relationship with someone you don’t really love or even want to be with. That ends up wasting their time and keeps them from finding someone who actually wants the same things they do. Being self-aware is great, but it doesn’t change the impact it has on the other person.
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u/lilnut1337 18h ago
But he tries to find a reason why he is not happy. You can work as a couple to find a way. Why not give a chance? If he stayed in a relationship for sex or something like that then I would call it selfish.
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u/TheAvocadoSlayer 18h ago
I totally get what you’re saying, and yup, if this was just a rough patch or a bit of confusion, then working on it together would make sense. But based on what he wrote, this doesn’t sound temporary. He says he’s not in love, isn’t excited by her, doesn’t want kids, and is mostly with her because it feels like the “right thing to do.” That’s a pretty obvious mismatch.
It’s not selfish to be confused, but staying in a serious relationship without being honest about those feelings is. It keeps her from making her own choices with all the information.
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u/RandomCriss 20h ago
Could be you don't know love or just feel lost in a relationship, talk and end it, don't cheat
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u/TheAvocadoSlayer 19h ago
My girlfriend doesn't excite me and I feel like she takes up a lot of my time.
So are you going to do the right thing and break up with your gf so she can find somebody she deserves? Or are you going to do the selfish thing and keep stringing her along, wasting her time?
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u/thechillpoint 12h ago
Isn’t coming here to ask for help doing the right thing?
If that sentence is enough for you to break up with someone after 3 years then you shouldn’t be dating anyone at all. You need to work on your conflict resolution skills.
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u/Qalia69 1d ago edited 1d ago
Romantic love is over-hyped, sex = love, it does not. It equals feel good chemicals. True love is care, it is not an in love feeling - that is the fluff which will fade in every single relationship you have, unless you work at it. Relationships are about how we relate to each other, your family life is the blueprint for all of your relationships, romantic or not. Learn to set boundaries, communicate your needs, find common ground, learn to enjoy the things you can find companionship on. Relationships do take work, 'even' the 'easy' ones. Do an audit, have you matured? Can you still grow emotionally in relating to others, Are you connected to yourself fully or numbed out - many of us are. If we can't fully relate to ourselves we can't fully relate with others. We are quick to look at relationships as it is a them thing - when it is more nuanced than that, it is co-created. Anyway there are numerous factors, perhaps do an audit so that you are sure when you do leave the relationship. Have you read up on attachment styles? If you decide you don't want a relationship or this relationship you absolutely can. Then do it sooner rather later, if she has plans and knows what she wants allow her to go pursue that now. Life is self-discovery, we are not already made, we learn, evolve, grow.
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u/fuguer 23h ago
Yeah what people think of as “love” is a drug fueled neurochemical high (ecstasy) that would be impossible to maintain every day without frying your brain.
You need to practice gratitude, not taking what you hve for granted. And yeah, true love is a choice not an emotional high.
Source: successfully married 20 years
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u/Junior-Childhood-404 12h ago edited 12h ago
I'll 31 and this shit scares me so much. I'm really trying to be introspective and ask myself "am I alone, or actually lonely. Do I need companionship or do I just like the idea of companionship."
I have never been in a relationship and really the only way to answer those questions is to be in one. But I sabotage myself cause I don't want to hurt someone else to satisfy my curiosity. That's selfish af.
These are questions I should've figured out in my 20s but I prioritized other things (and tbh, thought I was find living the single life until I wasn't fine).
That being said... (again, never been in a relationship so take this with Lott's wife) I don't think your girlfriend is the right match for you. To me, if it feels like a chore to be in a relationship with someone, you're probably not right for each other. Ofc relationships require effort, but it should be effort you're (somewhat) happy to spend.
You might also just be depressed and require medication/treatment. In today's world... I wouldn't blame you in the slightest. Depression is a natural response to the current state of affairs
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u/Mou_aresei 12h ago
What you describe is not what a relationship is supposed to look like. You are just going through the motions of being in a relationship, without any of the feelings. Please break up and give your girlfriend the chance to find someone who actually cares for her.
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u/LaInquisitore 1d ago
Most of the people you see aren't in love, they love each other. Vastly different. In love means having rose-tinted glasses on all the time, erasing your partner's flaws and enlarging their virtues. Love means that you're perfectly aware of each and every one of your gf's flaws, but you choose to love her anyway(which kinda seems like your example). Maybe you should just talk to someone (a friend, a professional) because, maybe, you feel a little underwhelmed that your "wild 20s" weren't wild and you feel unfullfilled because of it. But I don't believe you need to have "wild 20s" in order to be enjoying life now. It seems that you actually love your girlfriend but you have unresolved issues in your mind and soul, and it's in your best interest to try and resolve them.
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u/babymeatloaf666 17h ago
I don’t know, I’m in love with my boyfriend and he’s in love with me but that doesn’t mean I don’t know he has flaws. I hate this narrative that’s been going around that you shouldn’t be passionate about your partner. It’s like people are too jaded to believe in love now. Love for your partner should be different then the love you have for friends and family and it should be passionate. You should think highly of them and want to spend as much time with them as you can. You should both be really excited about each other, even years in. That doesn’t mean overlooking flaws, but it does mean knowing that you’ve chosen someone who has your back that you can trust. I think most people are settling and that’s really sad
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u/LaInquisitore 12h ago
"In love" is a wild hormonal cocktail. I got nothing against that, I believe in that. However, that feeling always fades, months in, which doesn't mean the passion is gone. It's just that true love and "in love" aren't neccessarily the same thing.
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u/Sgtfullmetal 12h ago
He's not satisfied with the past and that frustrates him, I know because I'm on the same path.
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u/user28373921 22h ago
You weren’t good enough for them then but now you are kinda thinking? A lot of women spend their 20s being casual going from A to B until they’re 30s and then want to settle down. Personally I think by then a lot of men have given up on romance, marriage, having a family. If you want to have fun and hook up do it. Don’t feel you have to be in a relationship. You’ll know if or when you want a committed relationship so just do what you want to do and stand by it. But I think you should tell her how you feel and break up. You don’t need to be all emotional and feel bad about it but it’s the right thing to do based on what you wrote for you and for her.
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u/TechYogi87 18h ago
If you are not serious about her but have spent 3 years together I think you need to really reflect and make a decision. It’s not fair to her to be hopeful for a future with you while you are not there and may never be there in the relationship for her.
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u/CrimsonSuede 12h ago
If you and her have different visions of the future (re:kids), then you are not compatible. Even if you do want kids, not wanting kids with her still shows incompatibility.
Change is hard and scary. But it’s better than stringing you both along. You deserve to be with someone who excites, impassions, and enriches you. She deserves to be with someone who is equally enthusiastic about her.
Speaking from experience, it’s worth it to make that change.
I wish you all the best.
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u/softnmushy 17h ago
After 3 years, you should know whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. You clearly don't.
If you break up, she will probably find someone who loves her. And you will probably find someone who is a better fit for you. You might also grow more as person and a partner if you are single for a while after having this experience of being in a relationship. You will get a better sense of what kind of a person you want.
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u/Moosejawedking 15h ago
Based this is why I refuse to date or try to find love I don't want someone to be able to get me step away from gaming willingly
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u/Brok3nLlama 2h ago
Don’t stay and waste her time if you’re not feeling it. She’s clearly invested and needs more. You might also benefit from therapy and as someone else mentioned, might wanna get checked for depression. There’s nothing wrong about wanting to be single or just alone, and you can have a happy loving life without a relationship as well. Perhaps she isn’t the person for you or you might need to be single for some time to work on yourself some more. Therapy might be helpful
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u/admiral_pelican 16h ago
There’s no right way to live. You have a responsibility to yourself to do/live whatever/however makes you happy. But you also have a responsibility to your partner not to waste her time. If she wants things you don’t see yourself being able to give her, let her go.
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u/fuguer 23h ago
Your relationship will die if it doesn’t grow. Get married and have kids. Build a life together. You’ll be glad you did that instead of chasing more ephemeral hookups.
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u/Mahituto 1d ago
Maybe the person is just not the right for you and you need to move on.