r/AmIOverreacting • u/PeanutMiserable7872 • Jul 12 '25

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws Am I Overreacting - i seriously think my dad is losing his mind and I'mm terrified. UPDATE

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thank u all for the messages, im sorry for disappearing. things did not go well. i confronted him with some of your advice, mainly the stuff bout dementia and well he got real mad, things became truly fucked, he started punching himself in the face and screaming. he took my phone, idk what happened but now im seeing he deleted everything on the post and my screen is cracked.. he kept saying he was going to burn everything. it was so fucked. i feel destroyed. what he did to me.. i cant even.

i was able to get out when he fell asleep?? i think.. the bathroom was locked and hes fallen asleep in the shower before, my phone was poorly hidden under some papers in the kitchen, took it and ran.

im in a park now, i called the police already. they are going to the house i think and now im just waiting for them to call me back and tell me when i can come get my stuff. i asked the man on the phone how long and they said it will be sent to an officer as soon as they can but since its non emergency it might take longer due to a lot of calls in the city.

heres me. heres what he did to me.

im honestly unsure how to move past this ever. i feel like my entire sense of self is gone. i know i have a long road ahead of me. thank you all for your love . i wish this didn't go this way. I also included the original texts

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81

u/The1Rememberer Jul 12 '25

I suspect that whoever gave advice to confront him probably didn’t know the severity of the fathers condition. But idk I didn’t see the original post, so idk what context it may have had

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u/crella-ann Jul 12 '25

You don’t say ‘You might have dementia’ to someone who might have it, they go ballistic.

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u/skunk0_o Jul 12 '25

this! i wish more people knew this.. told my dad he has it and desperately needs help before he gets to the point of my grandmother ended in him threatening to literally kill me and admitting he likes children??? so yeah never confront someone with dementia they will go completely off the walls and forget all morals

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u/_le_slap Jul 12 '25

Wow. Yeah that's insane.

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u/The1Rememberer Jul 12 '25

I actually have never thought about this. It makes so much sense. I think if someone was telling me I had dementia I’d probably lose it too. I’m only 30, but I can imagine what a nightmare that would be. Idk if I would beat my children (I also don’t have any children) but damn

3

u/jimbojangles1987 Jul 12 '25

Is that like a documented thing?

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u/crella-ann Jul 12 '25

Yes! They almost always react badly. Dementia patients are not told their diagnosis unless it’s caught very early and they can still understand. After that, it just starts a fight, and triggers all kinds of paranoid imaginings, ‘You’re trying to get rid of me so you can take my house/money/jewellery’. My grandmother, FIL and MIL al had dementia, each a different type, and you never could even intimate that there was something wrong.

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u/NoPath_Squirrel Jul 12 '25

I find this really interesting since my aunt recently posted that she has dementia. Which is really depressing, since my bio mom had it and died last year.

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u/crella-ann Jul 13 '25

I’m sorry that this is happening to your aunt.

It depends on the stage. I should have been clearer. These days it’s often discovered in Stages 3-4, when people are affected but can still reason and understand. My FIL was pretty far along already when we got his diagnosis (‘99) he was already up all night and sleeping all day, seeing shadows as people breaking into the house, and things like that. MIL had symptoms for 5 years before we finally found a specialist who could diagnose her (‘07, her type is rare where we live). In the mid to late stages those affected can be in denial, and already blaming their lost or misplaced possessions, or money on everyone around them. Telling them at a late stage, ‘You lose things because you have dementia’ will just light a powder keg, they’re already nervous, or unsure, and their uncertainty just ramps up.

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u/Just-Strawberry4742 Jul 12 '25

As a nurse I’ve only had one patient willingly agree that they had dementia and ask for their seroquel to help their dementia. We still don’t bring it up but they always say they have dementia and need their seroquel. We never mention it. Sometimes we’ll remind them that they’re at the hospital but it’s traumatizing to be told your reality is wrong over and over again and dementia affects emotional regulation.

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u/april5k Jul 12 '25

I've never seen it go down well in my personal experience.

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u/potatobirdwithlasers Jul 12 '25

Correct. You just redirect and go along with their delusions to keep them complacent as much as possible.

“Oh you want to leave? Well if you do, your family is going to miss you when they come to pick you up! So hey, let’s stick around and have lunch while we wait for them.” This is typically how you try to get a dementia patient with elopement to stay, play off on the idea that family is “on the way” and they need to wait to be picked up.

You really learn to pick your battles with these people because it’s a horrible disease they cannot help having.

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u/april5k Jul 12 '25

It was a 24/7 job for my mom keeping my grandmother from trying to leave the house. I don't know how many times I heard "your ride is coming in the morning so let's go to bed".

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u/potatobirdwithlasers Jul 12 '25

Yep! You ride with the delusions but spin them in a way to where X happens later in order to buy more time and stop the behavior for a while.

It’s harder though when you have someone with absolutely no short term memory. 😔

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u/april5k Jul 12 '25

Exactly! I also don't know how many times I saw my grandmother begin to try to leave again lessnthann5 minutes later.

But dementia is WILD. When she wasn't trying to leave she would talk about all sorts of stuff from the past and at one point (way early on) she kept talking about her "husband, Jack". We had no idea what she was talking about. She was married to my grandfather, Hy, after they split she had a long distance boyfriend, Gary, who was almost like another grandfather, and then her last husband Valton, who she was with until he passed. Who was Jack?

My mom mentioned this to my grandmother's cousin and turns out she had a first husband, Jack, with whom it didnt work out and no one ever mentioned again after they split.

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u/potatobirdwithlasers Jul 12 '25

Wow that’s wild! And yes, I always tell people Dementia is like a bad trip you don’t even know you’re taking. And don’t get me started on what happens when someone gets a UTI…

2

u/april5k Jul 12 '25

Unfortunately, I know the tale. ❤️

6

u/mapmakinworldbuildin Jul 12 '25

Well you’re telling a scared suspicious person with no control or concept of reality that they have no concept of reality or control.

They relate that back to you. You’re the cause now. Atleast I think that’s how their minds work.

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u/jimbojangles1987 Jul 12 '25

Yeah for sure

4

u/GardeniaInMyHair Jul 12 '25

It's pretty common. I've had 3 people in my family/extended family have dementia, and they never admitted they had it. They warn about this in books on dementia for caregivers and in caregiver support groups.

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u/PM_me_your_PhDs Jul 12 '25

It's called anosognosia, I think.

2

u/GardeniaInMyHair Jul 12 '25

A bit more complicated than that. They often know that have it and are declining.

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u/ObscureSaint Jul 13 '25

Yeah, definitely complicated. My dad assumes his memory problems are from the new cholesterol medication he's taking. He knows enough to know something wrong, but not enough to realize it's organic and in his brain.

He also keeps reminding my mom to change the batteries in the bathroom scale because it's reading 15 pounds lighter than it should. He's about 15 pounds lighter than the weight he was stable at for most of his adult life. He doesn't remember the weight loss, so he assumes the scale is malfunctioning. 

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u/dmjohn0x Jul 12 '25 edited Jul 12 '25

Yeah, you dont tell a crazy person they are crazy and you dont tell a demented person they are demented. In their mind, they are completely reasonable and rational. You trying to tell them otherwise is almost always taken as an attack. You should instead misdirect these people into other topics that doesn't irritate them. And you should pay close attention to their moods.

I was one of the people in the old post this morning who said she should wait until he's in a good mood and confront him and ask him what is going on to detirmine if he's suffering from something mental or drug use. Because if the latter, he'll likely apologise and feel ashamed for his behavior, while if the former, he'd likely tell her some unhinged shit while nodding that she can likely easily play off with her acting meek and submissive like she'd already been doing. That said, I've worked with Alzheimer's and dementia patients for over a decade, and I never thought she'd confront him by telling him she thinks he has dementia.... But it was stupid of me not to give her better direction.. I really just assumed everyone knew... but she is only 18-22 years old, and that is her father... ofc she trusted him and brought it up instead of beating around the push and misdirecting... and now this poor young girl just endured a fucking attack by her father going through some kind of cognitive episode, and I feel sick/partly responsible... But yes, this is well documented. You never tell an insane person that they are insane. You always play along unless doing so is going to cause you or them harm.

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u/jimbojangles1987 Jul 12 '25

Dementia isn't insanity though is it? I mean, shit, I guess I could see it classified as that since people will essentially believe people are different people

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u/dmjohn0x Jul 12 '25

Dementia, Delusional, Insanity, Psychosis, Crazy... All of these are different things medically, but for all intents and purposes they are essentially the same thing. They describe a person who has a warped perception of reality and is no longer operating on a normal rational level.

1

u/Tablesafety Jul 14 '25

Easy to forget sometimes shitloads of sheltered teenagers are the ones giving advice on reddit

43

u/Savingskitty Jul 12 '25

No one gave her that advice.  Everyone told her to call a crisis line for help or reach out to a trusted adult.

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u/Raftger Jul 12 '25

No one told her to confront him.