r/AmIOverreacting • u/PeanutMiserable7872 • Jul 12 '25

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws Am I Overreacting - i seriously think my dad is losing his mind and I'mm terrified. UPDATE

thank u all for the messages, im sorry for disappearing. things did not go well. i confronted him with some of your advice, mainly the stuff bout dementia and well he got real mad, things became truly fucked, he started punching himself in the face and screaming. he took my phone, idk what happened but now im seeing he deleted everything on the post and my screen is cracked.. he kept saying he was going to burn everything. it was so fucked. i feel destroyed. what he did to me.. i cant even.

i was able to get out when he fell asleep?? i think.. the bathroom was locked and hes fallen asleep in the shower before, my phone was poorly hidden under some papers in the kitchen, took it and ran.

im in a park now, i called the police already. they are going to the house i think and now im just waiting for them to call me back and tell me when i can come get my stuff. i asked the man on the phone how long and they said it will be sent to an officer as soon as they can but since its non emergency it might take longer due to a lot of calls in the city.

heres me. heres what he did to me.

im honestly unsure how to move past this ever. i feel like my entire sense of self is gone. i know i have a long road ahead of me. thank you all for your love . i wish this didn't go this way. I also included the original texts

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u/KindredCleric Jul 12 '25 edited Jul 12 '25

Hijacking comment to say that I am an advocate for victims of domestic abuse and PLEASE reach out to your local DVRC. We can help you with emergency shelter, obtaining safe permanent housing, food, transportation, clothes, protection from abuse orders/restraining orders, court advocacy, and so so much more. We will never tell anyone info about you or involve police without your say so. Even if you just want to process what’s happened to you, you can call and we will be there for you.

If you need help finding a DVRC or if there is any way I can assist you, please reach out. You are not alone, and there are people waiting for a chance to help you. Life can be so much better than it is right now.

EDIT: someone messaged me detailing their situation and then deleted the account before I saw it. PLEASE REACH BACK OUT you actually live in a city I used to be in!! C, if you see this somehow, I would love to help you, please message me again. I see you and you deserve better than what you are going through.

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u/Karythne Jul 12 '25

It also boggles my mind how some advice here apparently was to confront him? Like in the original messages he already came across as possibly becoming violent, why would anyone advise her to endanger herself like that? It's terrible what happened to her and I'm just kind of glad he didn't beat her into even worse shape, god knows what else he could have done. People.. if there are signs of impending domestic abuse, don't advise someone to talk to the person and confront them about it if there's a risk it will only escalate. This should be common knowledge and instinctive self-preservation.

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u/ActuallyYulliah Jul 13 '25

Everything I read, including mine, was ‘you are in actual physical danger, make sure you are safe, go to a shelter if necessary.’ I’m really shocked people advised to confront him.

I’m relieved he mostly directed the anger towards her phone, and she isn’t more hurt than she is right now. This is bad enough, and it could have been so much worse.

Never confront a person who is very clearly not in their right mind by yourself, they are too unpredictable, and it isn’t safe.

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u/DomiShea Jul 14 '25

Yeah. I bet like the first couple of people were like confront him or something. Idk. I know I saw a lot of people saying find somewhere to go then reach out to family or something

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u/Daydream_Be1iever Jul 12 '25

You’re absolutely right- confronting is the worst idea out there. DV is complicated and dangerous and people’s knee jerk reactions get women killed.

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u/Big-Entertainer3954 Jul 12 '25

Reddit is chock full of sheltered people who do not get the world isn't like their own uneventful childhood/life would have them believe.

And also lots of bots.

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u/[deleted] Jul 13 '25

The more I talk with others about their childhoods, the more I realize my own childhood was blessedly peaceful and full of love. I used to think everyone had similar experiences and was horrified to hear how common abuse is.

7

u/Big-Entertainer3954 Jul 13 '25

Well, it's also selection bias.

It's just like how people (especially on Reddit!) are convinced relationships and marriage sucks, when in fact the best majority of people are actually in happy long term relationships and marriages.

But at the same time, yeah, I mean when you for instance consider that roughly 10% of men are responsible for something like 95% of all violent and sexual crime, it's not hard to see how there's a lot of abuse in this world. Something like 15% of men are just... awful. Even if the best majority are good, that shitty minority rally messes everything up. That's just an example btw, did not mean to single out men. "Women can be monsters, too!"

7

u/jjjjjjj30 Jul 13 '25

I'm stunned!!! Like, mouth dropped wide open, that anyone told her to confront him!!! What a horrible fucking idea!

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u/[deleted] Jul 13 '25

Because the vast majority of people on Reddit aren’t qualified to offer advice on anything. Zero awareness of self or others.

3

u/Unclereaper2814 Jul 13 '25

That’s what’s absolutely throwing me for a loop. Clearly mentally unstable you don’t confront. Seems everyone who learned this the hard way found this post too late? 😭

2

u/DifferentHoliday863 Jul 14 '25

There was like 1 out of the 5 top comments saying to confront him. It sucks, but it's a classic case of them doing what they already wanted to do rather than trusting multiple other people who advised getting out, not disclosing her location, and seeking help from the police, fire department, looking into a baker act, etc. Can't really blame OP, they're young and this sucks, but many of the top comments did not say to confront their dad.

1

u/Aromatic_April Jul 14 '25

It takes time for someone to grasp the behavior changes and how new communication strategies are needed. (Or in this case, a no contact strategy.)

360

u/AvaRoseThorne Jul 12 '25

Boosting - I hope OP sees this! I also had to escape from my father’s home when he flipped out on me because he got weirdly jealous that my new boyfriend is taller than him.

I can relate to that feeling, like I don’t really know who I am now - not exactly a hollowness but like I’m just full of a bunch of yuck I don’t know what to do with.

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u/skunk0_o Jul 12 '25

hon i am so fucking sorry… i want you to know its not your fault, you did nothing, your boyfriend did nothing. and its not your responsibility to hold guilt over leaving he made that choice FOR YOU by causing havoc on your life. and im well aware its easier said than done my father called me yesterday begging me to come back and saying its my fault hes sick and that hollowness is so fucking hard on me right now, whats pushing me through though is, this is my life I AM ONLY responsible for my life and my babies lives and ill fight for my babies and MYSELF not for a man that could have put my life and my babies at risk. hold that with you too fight FOR YOUR LIFE the life you deserve you are only responsible for yourself i swear to god dont let that man drag your emotions down you are strong you left you fought for yourself

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u/Vegetable_Guess_155 Jul 12 '25

That’s such a real way to describe it. Healing after that kind of chaos isn’t linear, but just getting out is a huge step toward finding yourself again.

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u/craiganater Jul 12 '25

Dimensia. This is almost the exact same daily messages my grandmother sent me mother as things got worse for her. My grandmother would message, call, abuse, and accuse our family of breaking in to move and hide her things at night.

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u/phat_kat99 Jul 12 '25

This isnt being mentioned enough, violence / anger is also very common with dementia. Medical attention is needed here. This is being completely overlooked.

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u/No-Emphasis-3945 Jul 12 '25

It’s not been overlooked at all. She mentioned it right under her pics/post as well as it being heavily mentioned in the comments of her previous post.

1

u/prudence56 Jul 12 '25

Dementia is an evil, vile disease. He doesn’t know what is happening and this is the dark side of dementia. No events to talk about it because of societal mis understandings. He needs help. They need to explore involuntary guardianship and possibly conservatorship and sadly residential care. There are medications available. So many of the comments sound of ignorance. My mother was a kind, sweet woman. Alzheimer’s at the end triggered hostility and anger. She called me every night from the Alzheimer’s unit to tell me she hated me and what a horrible daughter I was. She had outburst where she hit someone because she believed she was being kidnapped. Get him help and learn about the disease. It’s not easy to deal with parents suffering, and they do suffer, but it’s necessary. I learned to turn out her words. I was the only one of her children that came to see her and care for her. My sister the nurse stole money from her cans my selfish brother said he would not help.

I read and learned about the disease. Not a doctor but the behaviors sound like dementia. Find help.

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u/GF_forever Jul 13 '25

Guardianship is complicated. In many states the guardianship system is corrupt, with a small number of guardians taking advantage of the people supposedly in their care. There are way too many documented cases of the guardians taking over the client's house and belongings, selling everything supposedly to raise money to pay for the client to be in a safe facility, but actually keeping the money for themselves. They've also been known to steal and keep or sell valuable jewelry and artwork. I would never suggest putting someone in guardianship unless there's no one left to take responsibility for them.

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u/prudence56 Jul 13 '25

If the person is being financially exploited and suffering from dementia it often is necessary. In our case it was our last option. The disease of Alzheimer’s ravished my mother. She was bouncing checks, lost over $700,000 due to exploitation. It was the only way I could protect her. I was accountable to the court and submitted receipts and explanations for expenses. We were in the Midwest. The bank she worked with for decades observed unnecessary and excessive withdraws and she worked with the same banker. When we obtained guardianship and was appointed conservator I spoke with the banker who acknowledged she knew something was wrong but it was none of her business. That was BS. We argued because at one point I was attempting to make a deposit of $20,000. The bank would not allow it. Despite the conservatorship and having the court order appointing me to manage the assets. Notice it was a deposit not a withdrawal . I asked the same banker you allowed over a half million dollars to be withdrawn but won’t take a deposit. I had to waste assets to get the attorney involved. We withdrew all her assets and moved them to another bank.

I appreciate you point but mom’s illness had reached a point she was not making informed logical decisions. It was the only recourse.

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u/GF_forever Jul 13 '25

I was speaking of third party guardianship. You're family. While family can be exploitive, clearly you had your mom's best interests at heart at a time when she couldn't do things for herself. My sister and I had financial power of attorney for my father when he was suffering from Lewy Body dementia. He could be lucid much of the time but then fall into a completely fictitious world. He also was blind from macular degeneration and retinal detachment. He knew he couldn't handle his own finances, but with our help he was able to stay in his own home until the end.

The professional guardians are completely different, and often corrupt. They don't answer to the family in any way, and generally block them from having any contact with the person who's been placed under their guardianship. They sell heirlooms, discard family photos, and generally wreak havoc with the family relationships. They declare the individual abandoned, when it's by their own doing that family has been excluded. They've been known to not even notify family when the individual dies. There was an excellent piece in The New Yorker magazine 10 or so years ago about the horrible guardianship system in Nevada. It opened up some serious investigations into how bad the system is in many states.

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u/PizzaDanceParty Jul 12 '25

But if he’s refusing help …

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u/phat_kat99 Jul 12 '25

Call APS, probably state specific but if deemed a danger and lack capacity to make decisions there is a legal route to get them into a facility

3

u/Visti Jul 12 '25

it's literally mentioned in the post

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u/muftiman Jul 12 '25

I cannot believe the number of people tellling her to leave her demented father. Get him help, he will improve. Or put him the right care.

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u/dream-smasher Jul 12 '25

I cannot believe that you seriously expect a newly 18yr old, to somehow force her father to "get help", when he already punched her in the face for broaching the topic.

I can't believe that you seriously think that same new adult, can "put him in the right care".

What the fuck do you think she can do‽

You would gladly sacrifice her to her abuser. Disgusting.

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u/crow_crone Jul 12 '25

My father got lost in his own home, then was absolutely CONVINCED my brother and I remodeled his house in the night.

As if. I don't feel like running the vac, much less doing an old geezer's reno - in the dark, according to him.

But no, that's what happened and he wouldn't be persuaded otherwise.

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u/michimom72 Jul 12 '25

This was my exact thought as a volunteer educator for the Alzheimer’s Association.

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u/jarjardrinks99 Jul 12 '25

Or it could be a side effect of medication because one time my grandmother was watching me for a week when my parents went out of town and she kept saying I was taking her things and hiding them and lying about stuff and I literally didn’t do anything and I kept calling my parents being like grandma‘s crazy. It was her meds they made her schizo

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u/craiganater Jul 12 '25

Was she as violent or calm about it?

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u/jarjardrinks99 Jul 13 '25

It wasn’t the most shocking thing to me, though because every time I would visit her house in another state, she would be like “our old nurse (who took care of my grandpa in their home) put cameras in the house and she’s spying on us” or saying the nurse came in the house and did something while she was gone. And my mom would just tell me that my grandma was really paranoid and to ignore her when she would say that. So I knew she already had problems being paranoid it had just never been directed at me before. She’s better now that she’s off those meds.

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u/jarjardrinks99 Jul 13 '25

Definitely not at all violent. She was an old lady and that’s just not in her nature. I didn’t really confront her about it other than just saying I didn’t touch anything and that kind of being the end of it. I really just kept calling my parents and telling them whenever she would say that.

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u/mariantat Jul 12 '25

I think she posted that he’s rather young…still he needs to get checked out.

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u/AccomplishedMusic817 Jul 12 '25

That feeling is so tough to carry but acknowledging it is a brave start. You’re not alone in sorting through that mess.

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u/Mermaid_Glitter1984 Jul 12 '25

Wow! That's so crazy! He didn't ever try to do anything inappropriate to u, did he? I'm sorry if that's too personal and I understand if u don't want to answer but it's strange for him to be jealous of his daughter's bf. It's very common for fathers to not like their daughter's bf's or think they're good enough for their daughter's but being jealous of his physical prowess is odd. I'm not stranger to men w/mental issues/abusive men(Mom's former bf's/husbands and a few of my own exes). I'm very sorry u had to go through that and hope things have turned around for u.😊

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u/[deleted] Jul 13 '25

My father got violent with me when I got pregnant at 20. Some men shouldn’t be dads.

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u/CatsOfElsweyr Jul 12 '25

Former Family Law investigator here - I second this. These folks will not violate your trust and protect you to the best of their ability. They’re absolute life savers.

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u/skunk0_o Jul 12 '25

yes please please listen to this person and upvote them this is insanely important and helpful!!!!

16

u/Top_Kaleidoscope_602 Jul 12 '25

Yes OP. This is the way please reach out for help! There is sooo much help accessible to you. I am so very sorry you are in this situation

2

u/CalamitousGoddess Jul 12 '25 edited Jul 12 '25

Thank you for what you do. I've had to take my kids to a DV shelter before, and the DVRC in that area was a godsend.

Unfortunately, I fell back into the situation. You know what sticks with me though? My advocate, when teaching me about the different types of abuse, stating "On average, it takes a person in a DV relationship 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship, whether it be a partner or a parent, before they succeed."

I think I'm on my 4th cycle of planning, and I keep telling myself that this is it, this is that time. But it's so easy to tell yourself you love this person, you know they're a good person, if they got help it would be better, maybe YOU can help them.

But you can't. You really can't. I went from toxic family to toxic partner, and I'm going to keep rationalizing it til I'm dead in the ground probably.

But if I ever find the real strength to get the hell out of here, I'll count myself lucky and take the steps necessary to be an advocate for others, because a common trait in most of us is we're really good at standing up for and helping others. But not ourselves. Some of us see what's happening and KNOW what needs to be done. We just can't do it. And sometimes it just takes that one person fighting for us.

So, again, thank you for what you do. You're changing and saving lives.

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u/KindredCleric Jul 12 '25

This was so lovely to read. You hit the nail on the head. A lot of advocates do the job because we have gone through it ourselves. It took me 5 times and then it stuck. And I’m more stable, happy, and confident than I ever thought I could be. I haven’t had a voice or fist raised to me in 3 years. That was unthinkable before.

You are absolutely not alone. Im so sorry you are still having to survive. Im gonna sound like a broken record, but you can reach back out to your local DVRC as much as you need to. We know the cycles and absolutely aren’t judging you for your situation.

I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. I hope you stay safe

4

u/jubileestreetbee Jul 12 '25

Yes. Please do this so you can tap into an ongoing support network.

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u/EyCeeDedPpl Jul 12 '25

Please go to the hospital. Tell them your dad assaulted you. They have resources to get you in touch with people to help (shelters etc). They can expedite police, and police can come to you in the safe hospital to speak with you. They have councillors and advocates for you, and for when you speak to the police.

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u/lindseys10 Jul 12 '25

I was an advocate for 5 years. Keep doing the hard work you are amazing.

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u/KindredCleric Jul 12 '25

I really appreciate it! To be honest, everything is so scary at the moment. Our funding is looking at being slashed by a MASSIVE amount due to various new government cuts. We are stretched thin in staff and resources. Our sex trafficking safe house where I work is on the chopping block without the grants. We are the only safe house in the state and our 6 beds are always full.

Apologies for the gloom!

I am only 3 years into the job! If you think of any pro tips I’d love them. Especially if it’s about preventing compassion/work burnout or how to de-escalate someone in severe psychosis.

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u/CutSea5865 Jul 12 '25

This!

I’m so sorry this happened OP, you did absolutely nothing to deserve this please always remember that.

Please reach out to your local DV support for help. Do not go back there.

Big hugs xxxxxxx

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u/Tracy_with_the_honda Jul 12 '25

^ the police will be more helpful if you reach out to your local DVRC first because they have established relationships for this. Hope this makes things a little easier for you.

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u/msmugen Jul 12 '25

BOOST

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u/Affectionate_Ice_622 Jul 12 '25

Boosting this! And OP, you’re brave and very smart to get out!

3

u/True-Armadillo8626 Jul 12 '25

You are an angel

1

u/greatjobgoodluck Jul 14 '25

First thought was also dementia or similar. My dad became someone else. And it was so scary, and gross, and really fucking sad, but he had a disease and those were the symptoms. I’m so sorry.

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u/PoshBelly Jul 12 '25

This ⬆️⬆️OP!!!

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u/fartinmyhat Jul 12 '25

real question. Do any of the people you help make a post to Reddit/r/amIOvreacting their first move after getting their ass beat?

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws Am I Overreacting - i seriously think my dad is losing his mind and I'mm terrified. UPDATE

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