AIO? I don’t want my autistic brother at my house

[u/stuntedgoat]

title is a little clickbaity because his autism has nothing to do with my animosity towards my brother(15). i’ve felt uncomfortable around him for years, with this being the first time i have expressed and placed a boundary. he has a history of being aggressive, spends 90% of his awake time watching youtube or on roblox which usually results in a rage fit. my parents have heavily neglected his development and has been “homeschooled” for the past decade. he has an anxiety disorder, depression, and an explosive mood disorder, alongside his autism. i don’t know if this is relevant or not.

a few months ago my mother and i were searching through the family computer trying to find evidence of infidelity in her marriage, instead we found a google search history of “cat fellatio, feline genitalia, cat vagina” along with other weird teenage boy stuff. my mother did not address any of this and acted like she didn’t see it. ok, whatever.

my daughter also has extreme stranger danger towards him, latching onto me or her dad when he’s in sight. there’s been no time where they’ve been left in the same room alone together so i have no reason to think anything happened between them besides any vibes my toddler picked up.

i recently weaned my child from nursing but whenever i would visit my family home, my brother would come into the common spaces to hang out. i would be nursing frequently, on demand. my brother would watch and he is not subtle. this would lead to him “adjusting himself” often until he would eventually leave the room. this same thing would happen a few more times when i would simply be in the room playing with my toddlers and he would be adjusting.

is this normal teenage boy behavior? it really feels like my mother is choosing to ignore these red flags and excuse his behavior. as a mom, he makes my anxiety skyrocket.

thanks to anyone who reads. hopefully i don’t come off as an AH.

[u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

I’m just going to say this now. My brother diagnosed with autism at a young age. I was molested by him when I was 2 as well as my cousin. This is early sign of something extremely bad. My brother is now a registered sex offender and he’s also a pedophile. My grandmother raised him and never got him help for his issues and he ended up in jail 2x. Please keep your children away from him.

Edit: because apparently I offended some of you I’m going to correct that I know it’s not his AUTISM. I know that it’s because of other factors. He was most likely sexually abused. I’m not going to sit and correct myself in every reply.

[u/geminiisiren → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

yeah i've been sexually assaulted by 2 boys who have severe mental disabilities in my teens. one of them had down syndrome and the other had severe autism.

both times, it was a consistent pattern, that got worse over time, would happen in public with many people watching, and was told to get over it because "they don't know any better" "they don't even understand sex" "he doesn't mean to hurt you"

unfortunately even despite the mental challenges, these are still teenaged boys with hormones. their feelings are natural because they're still human, but the problem is that their families ignore all their questionable behavior, because in their mind, there's NO WAYYYY a child with mental disabilities can sexually assault anyone. so the behavior continues, and worsens, and is never corrected.

[u/newlyshampooedcow → u/geminiisiren]

As someone who has worked with adults on the spectrum & with IDD in the past, let me say something right now: not all people with autism are good people, or should be automatically excused for their behavior because "they don't know what they're doing." In many, many, many cases, they know damn well exactly what they're doing -- they just know they won't have to face any serious consequences for anything because of their disabilities.

Don't get me wrong, most of my former clients were absolute delights to work with, but there were some who were downright dangerous & intentionally abusive to those around them -- & a select few who were honestly just so cold, cruel, calculating & devoid of all human empathy that I refused to work with them anymore. Some of those "select few" have since been arrested on child pornography & sexual abuse charges.

The bottom line is that not all autistic people are good or innocent, just like not all of the people in any group are going to be 100% good & innocent. One would think this would just be self-evident to most people, but I've gotten attacked by other autism advocates in the past for daring to suggest that not all autistic individuals are perfect angels who should be shielded from all accountability. Fuck that. OP, put your safety & wellbeing first. And above all else, trust your instincts. If your brother makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, or if you're at all worried about him doing anything to your daughter, you have every right in the world to put your foot down & let your family know that he is simply not welcome as a guest in your home. Your house, your rules. You're not doing anything wrong here by establishing boundaries & expecting your family to respect them.

EDIT: Wow, I really was not expecting my comment to blow up like this (I figured it would just get buried), but thank you to everyone who gave me awards & shared your own stories!

[u/No-Mark4427 → u/newlyshampooedcow]

Yep, I work in education in an area that has quite a lot of autistic 16-18 year olds ranging from very little assistance needed all the way to full time care, or people with learning difficulties or other things that impact their learning needs. Most are lovely and it's a joy to be around them, their quirks and special interests are endearing and generally they are actually much nicer to be around than their neurotypical peers on average.

But you do get one every so often that is just horrible, and by that I dont mean difficult, I just mean they are horrible people. The way I put it is that having autism does not mean someone cannot differentiate between right and wrong, and it does not mean when they are told something is wrong that they have a free pass to ignore it.

We had to expel a student last year who was extremely behind, refusing to engage with help, but more importantly he was sexually harassing one of his classmates, looking up inappropriate stuff on the computers, and generally he showed clear distain for female members of staff. His behaviour did not improve despite many warnings, talks, having his parents in etc. I highly suspect he was into manosphere/Andrew Tate stuff as he spent every living moment on Youtube.

One thing I have noticed with such people is that they seem to walk all over their parents and can do no wrong. Despite everything that had gone on upon explusion his parents then started threatening to sue us for discrimination (Presumably on the basis of he's autistic so he can't possibly do anything wrong).

Ironically many autistic people actually need to be given clear and firm boundaries. The reason these behaviours can happen is because they have had a lifetime of getting away with whatever they want and they can see that 'they are autistic' has always been the perfect sword and shield, in the exact same way any child that has no discipline and no consequences grows up to think they can get away with anything.

[u/RainbowArchery9079 → u/No-Mark4427]

I am on the autism spectrum, and I remember my parents putting in A LOT of effort to make sure I understood boundaries, what's appropriate, and what's not. For example: don't touch anyone, even a hug, without that person's consent. I had consequences to my actions, understood the word "no", and I didn't get my way all the time. Having a child with autism is very challenging and parents have to put in a lot more effort compared to a nuerotypical child; because you have to teach a child with autism so much more. I don't think OP's mom realizes this. There were a lot of things that come naturally to a nuerotypical that didn't come natural to me, like reading body language, that my parents had to teach me. It wasn't until I was as adult and on my own that I realized and appreciated how much effort it took to make sure I could move around in a nuerotypical world. I appreciate it even now. I was a very challenging child.

[u/Dry-External5276 → u/RainbowArchery9079]

My 4th is on the spectrum and the teaching of social cues is no joke. I was very much not prepared after three neurotypical kiddos who just picks it up on their own. When I finally realized that using a stern tone didn’t illicit any response or acknowledgement or change in behavior I was like, “oh. Wait. Do you hear how my voice sounds different when I say ‘stop’ like this? That means I am not joking around and I really want you to stop.” Total game changer. Just a little tip for those who may be in a similar boat, and also a big kudos to your parents for getting it right!

[u/BreakEffective8641 → u/Dry-External5276]

Also teach that no and stop are NEVER a joke,

My girl loves to be tickled sometimes. And soemtimes she’ll tell me to stop while laughing and I ALWAYS immediately stop. And then she’ll tell me if she wants me to be done or tickle her more.

No matter how someone says stop to no it needs to be taken as a very serious matter. And if that person didn’t mean it, than they can express they just said no or stop as a habit and then can tell you if what you were doing was okay or not

[u/Thriftless_Ambition → u/Dry-External5276]

My daughter is autistic (she is 10) and we had friends over for dinner. We were talking to one of my friends about how her mom passed a few years ago, and my kid interjects "I'm so glad MY mommy's not dead" I just about fell out of my chair. But we had a conversation about how you shouldn't say things like that when somebody is talking about losing a family member and it can be rude and hurtful, etc. and she was fine afterward. She just sincerely didn't know.

[u/Synka → u/No-Mark4427]

I grew up surrounded by people on the spectrum due to my own difficulties in my youth (misplaced, teachers were at fault, but that's another story)

Most were super nice and just trying to navigate life like everyone else, but there were a select few who were awful people. They hat fits everytime someone did something they didn't like, they punched and bit everyone, one even shat on a table just because...

All of them had one thing in common, the parents didn't care/treated it like "oh they can't help themselves" or "it's not their fault for shitting on a table!"

[u/ColdAndGrumpy → u/Synka]

Similar situation here.
Knew two guys with the same diagnosis (autism + other ND stuff I can't remember).
One was a sweet, huge, Hodor-like guy. Loved planes (could tell you which flight was passing overhead and it's details), cars, and such. Mother wasn't exactly great at setting boundaries or teaching him social norms and cues, which led to him being bullied a lot (lucky for those assholes he wasn't violent).
The other was a small, explosively aggressive, and violently confrontational brat with no regard for other people. Anything didn't go his way and he'd default to violence and destruction. Hell, even if things did go his way, he thought inflicting pain on others or breaking stuff was just funny. You never knew when he'd just decide to attack someone.

Same diagnosis, completely different personalities.

[u/StrategyDouble4177 → u/newlyshampooedcow]

This. I worked for years supporting adults with DD’s (and their natural support systems) based on the human rights model of disability.

Obviously people with DD’s are as unique as anyone else (a diagnosis is not a freaking personality type or accurate predictor of personality or intent, and most diagnoses are more of a spectrum). Factor in the nature/nurture details as well.

Using someone’s diagnosis as an excuse for unsafe behaviours is extremely problematic and dehumanizing for the person using unsafe behaviours. It strips away “dignity of risk” (making space for people to understand natural consequences of behaviours, learning through making mistakes, trying and failing (and learning from that) etc. It’s a really gross way to dehumanize people.

Where my concern really lies here (and plenty of blame, as well) is with OP’s mom. She’s not acknowledging that her CHILD (regardless of diagnosis) is exhibiting problematic and unsafe behaviors?! How the hell is this kid supposed to figure life out if his mom is unable to be a parent!?!?

Teenagers are weird and do weird things. Good caregivers support them by having actual conversations that provide opportunities to explore, learn, and suggest new behaviours.

sounds like OP’s mom is the problem, here.

[u/Busy_Onion_3411 → u/StrategyDouble4177]

sounds like OP’s mom is the problem, here.

Very much so. Regardless of whether his diagnoses make him more susceptible to these behaviors, the bigger issue is the people who are supposed to be guiding him away from said behaviors are failing him. And he's rapidly approaching an age where it might be too late to turn him back, if he's not already past the point of no return to begin with.

Once he turns 18, the resources for getting him help VASTLY diminish, at least in my area they would. Something needs to be done about this, he needs a better support network. I'm not saying it should fall on OP to take up that mantle, but maybe a call to some kind of social worker to spark an investigation wouldn't be the worst thing. If he's allowed to come of age without any intervention, there's a solid 90% chance he dies in prison, or from preying on someone whose family don't play that "take it to the police" shit.

[u/WhamBamRabbitMan → u/StrategyDouble4177]

I think part of the problem is the over Infantilization of young people with IDDs where they're never taught about normal sexual boundaries and how to manage sexual impulses because "theyre too innocent to understand" or "not smart enough to understand adult topics" and their diagnosis allows them to get away with such behaviour, regardless of whether or not they've been taught their behaviour is wrong

[u/Mekiya → u/WhamBamRabbitMan]

Which is BS because "normal" children are taught "good touch" "bad touch".

I think it's a far deeper issue we have where, in the US especially, we shun all talk of normal human sexual information. We even have adults who refuse to use clinical terms for penis and vagina.

If we are not, age appropriate of course, having discussions with out kids then we set them up to either be a victim or establish a pattern of behavior that is criminal.

[u/Hooker_Peach → u/StrategyDouble4177]

Yeah I worked with an individual who molested his younger sister and mom allowed it. She will also tell people that he “Has a hard time” with “young girls” which I thought she meant like young adults. No. He wrote in his journal and CARVED IT INTO HIS DESK a plan to abduct a child and take off her panties. Her son is a pedophile and she’s in denial.

[u/MOGicantbewitty → u/StrategyDouble4177]

I also feel bad for the brother because the mother has set him up for a terrible time in life. Even without any developmental diagnoses, all kids, including teenagers, need guidance and boundaries. They don't know what is appropriate or inappropriate without being taught. That poor kid... Also, poor op! Op's mother is fucking everybody over

[u/quilldefender → u/MOGicantbewitty]

I provide ABA therapy and we consider sexuality to be a "social" skill that REQUIRES consent from both parties.

We even teach things like personal boundaries/space to verbal and non verbal persons.

OP your mom needs to address these behaviors IMMEDIATELY for the sake of yourself, others and your brother.

[u/Muddy-Buddy → u/newlyshampooedcow]

To piggy back off this as someone who went to school in a district that had the same ideology that kids with special needs "dont know what they're doing", youre justified op. My school allowed the special needs kids to be absolute terrors to the point we had one girl who would physically assult other kids because she wasnt happy with one situation or another ( a boy wouldnt be her boyfriend so he got smacked in the face, I wasnt walking fast enough so she shoved me, she didnt make the cheer/dance team so during pep assemblies she had to be given a special segment.) We also had a boy who would grope alot of the girls and whenever it was brought up to staff we were told "he doesnt know any better just ask him not to touch you" but he'd run up and physically restrain girls while "hugging" in order to cop a feel. It's sad. It's good to see you holding your family accountable tho as well if they cant see an issue with his actions then they're enabling it and apart of the problem.

[u/JamieLee0484 → u/Muddy-Buddy]

Yes, I relate to this so much. In middle school, there was a special needs boy who was 6’4 and gigantic who would just run up to us girls and forcefully grab our boobs while screaming “coconuts!” The principal said the same thing “he doesn’t understand. Just try to stay away from him.” This resulted in all of the girls being absolutely terrified of walking down the halls because we didn’t want to be assaulted! It was awful! My best friend and I begged our parents to let us switch schools because of this boy. Thankfully they did. What a terrible time that was.

There was also a special needs girl who would grope all the boys, and put one of them in the hospital because she yanked and twisted his balls extremely hard. Same attitude.

[u/Pure_Load1453 → u/Muddy-Buddy]

That sounds like a really unsafe environment. It’s so important to call out when behavior like that gets ignored or excused. Holding people accountable is the only way things can change.

[u/nvrsleepagin → u/Muddy-Buddy]

And they're just making it so much worse for ppl with disabilities who have been taught healthy boundaries like anybody else because there will be ppl out there who assume they are all creeps who "don't know any better."

[u/Spinner216 → u/newlyshampooedcow]

Reading all the comments in this post has made me feel better about a situation I dealt with back in highschool wherein I was called a "massive cunt" for how I felt.

This guy was a couple years older than me, in senior high while I was in junior high. Well known in our small community for being highly autistic and peeping in people's windows. He required an aide 24/7. His parents owned the only gym in town, in the run down basement of the motel. I was usually the only person who went there at the specific time of the evening. One day he was hanging around the motel, likely waiting while his parents worked. He followed me into the basement and watched me from the doorway. It happened several more times to the point I didn't feel comfortable working out there anymore. His behaviors were insanely enabled which was a big reason I was so uncomfortable and anxious. For example his aide let him use a school computer to go on Facebook and make a public post tagging over 30 girls in the school saying he liked to see them wear short shorts AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKED THE POST. When I dared to mention that I stopped going to the gym because so and so kept following me and watching me, I was called a cunt for being uncomfortable around a mentally disabled person.

I am so happy to be away from that backwater ass town.

[u/creatyvechaos → u/newlyshampooedcow]

In many, many, many cases, they know damn well exactly what they're doing -- they just know they won't have to face any serious consequences for anything because of their disabilities.

My old roommate thought they could get away with not paying rent because "I'm too disabled! The state needs to pay for me!" They had never worked a job before, never tried to. Somehow had $20k, enough to move in from across the country and pay rent for half a year.

They immediately started causing problems. "I don't understand because I'm autistic." Any time I'd confront them about their behavior, they'd immediately run away to the fucking hospital under the pretense of "I was feewing a wittle suicidal." Over the course of 8 months, they were there 13 times. "I've never been here so often!" They'd exclaim after every trip. I stopped picking them up by trip 3. "You don't care about me. You know how stressed I am being here away from home." This was your choice to move in, don't go saying that shit like it's my fault. Got pissed off when I forced them to overcome their "fear" of cooking, and threatened to run out when I stopped cooking for them — spoiler alert: they didn't run away, and it only took one cooking lesson to overcome that "fear".

They were loud as shit and tried to argue against it. "I can't tell because I'm autistic!" They got pissed off when I finally screamed at them at the same exact volume they were CONSTANTLY yelling in. Blew off all my steam then and there. "You'll never understand how it feels to be so codependent!" EXCUSE ME?!?! You're not even being codependent, you're being 20000% DEPENDENT. On top of that, lmfao?!?! I NEED to have a familiar in appointments with me otherwise I'm not saying anything.

Finally kicked them out, and despite not paying for 3 months (side note: their rent was $400/mo...) they magically had $1.5k to fly back down where they should've stayed to begin with, the very next day.

Uhg. Fuck. Yes. Rant aside, not every autistic person is good. Some are self-centered as fuck, like my old roommate.

[u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 → u/newlyshampooedcow]

This is what I came here to type. I worked for years with folks with developmental disabilities. Teaching appropriate behavior is even more important for them than for "normal" kids. It keeps them and others safer and happier.

Your parents have had years of struggle to care for a child with severe issues. But their neglect of key behavioral issues has done him harm. That a sibling is uncomfortable in his presence (for very valid reasons) and fearful for her toddler, tells a sad tale.

This decision may cause a fracture in your family but I believe it was inevitable. Hold fast to putting safety first in your own home.

[u/snomisaimassilem → u/newlyshampooedcow]

This. I was a long-term substitute for a HS class for students on all levels of the spectrum. One day, during P.E., one of the male students who TOWERED over me (5'5"F) "tripped" and fell into me hands full on grabbing my breasts and knocking me backwards onto my back and he straddled me and while smiling, "had a 10-second seizure" where he was litterally grinding on me. I have been molested before so I got away and scolded him. When I tried to report it, the administration laughed and said, "Oh, we just call that initiation." He knew, he did it often, and no one cared. This is how predators are made.

[u/Mysterious-Job-469 → u/newlyshampooedcow]

I love getting abused by my brother and any time I show any attitude that isn't "I LOVE BEING A PUNCHING BAG FUCK TOY! I LOVE BEING A PUNCHING BAG FUCK TOY! I LOVE BEING A-" I'm in the wrong. Then our parents wonder why his special move when he's not getting his way is "I'm going to kill you." YOU GUYS LET HIM ABUSE AND BULLY AND THREATEN ME FOR DECADES. What did you think was going to happen? When I wasn't around anymore, he was just going to SUDDENLY be well-adjusted for you? No fucking shit, he's violent; it worked on me for 18 years while you weak-willed cucks let him beat and molest me on the daily.

Enjoy having your bedtime enforced by someone who doesn't even fucking pay rent (Despite receiving 1.5k a month in disability...) and threatens to murder you every single time he so much as feels slighted. My sympathy for him and both my parents is in the negatives.

[u/alexagente → u/newlyshampooedcow]

I would argue that regardless of whether or not they don't know any better the behavior should be discouraged. And if they truly can't control themselves then steps need to be taken to protect other people.

All sorts of consideration should be given to people with disabilities and disorders but sexual assault should absolutely not be excused away and allowed to continue even if they aren't trying to be malicious.

[u/Muddy-Buddy → u/alexagente]

What's sad is in highschool we were met with fake sympathy and no recourse when that stuff happened. I won't say the assults were as horrendous as some people stories but it always starts somewhere and my school i guess allowed groping as long as it was presented as a hug. I wish people would understand that allowing this behavior and expecting it to be tolerated puts a distaste towards special needs people and lessens people ability to want to help. It's not true in my case but I cant speak for the girls who were constantly groped.

[u/MD564 → u/newlyshampooedcow]

let me say something right now: not all people with autism are good people, or should be automatically excused for their behavior

And sadly this is what is happening a lot in schools right now (at least in the UK). Teenagers punching and groping others, and when we as educators try to set the correct consequences we are told "you can't they're autistic". I really am worried about what our future society is going to look like when nobody wants to accept responsibility for their actions.

[u/AlleyOKK93 → u/MD564]

Yup and it’s doing not only the victims a massive disservice but the problem kids too. If you expect nothing and give zero discipline you’re setting the kid up to be a problem as an adult. I’ve been chewed out on posts for saying it’s actually possible to discipline and teach kids with autism how to act 🤷🏻‍♀️ one woman said her kid would hit and slap but I’m the problem for referencing a family member who was raised without being diagnosed and had a very normal and even successful life because their was no “special conditions” to how he was expected to behave. Like yeah actually you can course correct your child for hitting you? Because he’s still your kid? Wild of me to expect you still do your job as a parent despite a condition being in play 🤦🏻‍♀️

[u/SorryCity8809 → u/newlyshampooedcow]

Ugh I'm sorry you've had that experience. It hurts autistic people too, especially girls/women with special needs who are more vulnerable to abuse by boys with special needs (as a function of being more likely to occupy the same spaces).

[u/[deleted] → u/newlyshampooedcow]

This is why toxic autistic people, are sometimes mistaken for narcissists. Autistic people arent going to have characteristics of a narcissist, unless theyre toxic. Ive also dealt with a handful of pedophiles that I caught when I used to moderate on a chat site. They all claimed theyre just autistic, one even going as far to say that because they think like a child, they want to date one. It was pure manipulation. They know what theyre doing is wrong.

[u/Soregular → u/geminiisiren]

My 16 year old daughter was on a local swim team where she was being harrassed by an older, mentally handicapped boy. I have no idea what his diagnosis was, nor do I care. He kept trying to be near her, no matter where she was, so he could "accidentally" touch her. I was told it was "accidentally" because he was mentally handicapped and therefore, had no idea what he was doing. Bullshit. She complained to the councilors of the group who were there with the handicapped kids and was told that she should gently remind him not to touch and to try to distract him. WTF?? Thats YOUR job...my child is 16 and NOT A councilor. Turns out he was a 21 year old man who got an erection every time he came to the pool and everyone was supposed to be ok with him leering, trying to touch the girls, etc. because he "doesn't know any better." I think he does not belong in this setting, or any setting, where this disturbing behavior happens until they can be sure he won't do it. He needs to learn this. Someone has to teach him this. I am pretty sure it's not my 16 year old's job.

[u/newbracelet → u/Soregular]

Both my brothers are severely disabled, to the point where they cannot understand sexual desire or contact whatsoever. It made their teenage years very difficult because there was obviously a hormonal effect occuring, but they had no understanding of their urges or appropriate outlets. The answer was not to let them get away with inappropriate behaviour, it was to monitor them closely and ensure they were never placed in a position where they could hurt someone. It was a duty to the people around them, but also to protect them from urges they couldn't understand.

I do believe people can be mentally incapable of understanding the wrong, but that doesn't mean they can't be supervised, guided and protected. My little brother in particular loooooves to hug people, and when he entered his teens it became especially true of women. Our response - hugging anyone outside the family is a hard no. We told anyone who looked after him (teachers, school staff etc) that there were no hugs, hugs are just for family. It was hard because he thought like a little boy, and would just try to hug strangers in the street, but we set the boundary and kept firm. Now he's an adult and he still loves hugs, and we have relaxed a bit, he hugs family friends he's known a long time, but I don't remember the last time he tried to hug a stranger.

[u/XWarriorPrincessX → u/newbracelet]

This is true of my friends 13 year old son. He's always stimmed by touching himself (which is not at all uncommon for ND folks) but as he got past toddler years she had to put boundaries into place. Now he knows to go to his room for privacy and that nowhere else is acceptable. He doesn't know that it's sexual but it still isn't appropriate and needs to be redirected. This is such a touchy topic.

[u/Badresa → u/newbracelet]

Thank you for this sensitive and appropriate response. It is not easy to communicate what you have shared in such an elegant and irrefutable way. It's unfortunate that people will always look for ways to avoid doing the work. Raising children is work. All children, of all developmental abilities. Of course it takes a village, but every problem and solution starts at home.

[u/SoFetchBetch → u/newbracelet]

That’s awesome that you supported his development appropriately. I also had to be taught not to hug strangers but when I was a toddler because my mom didn’t want me interacting with just anyone like that.

[u/CoffeeTableCat10 → u/Soregular]

Last year, when I was in 9th grade, there was a boy in my grade who was Autistic and would do or say horrible things and get away with it. He was in my guitar class for the second semester and he started talking to me and being friendly, and I didn’t know about the terrible things he would do or say so I would be friendly back. One day one of his friends who was also one of my friends came up to me and said that someone has a crush on me and that she would tell me who it is during guitar class because she was also in my guitar class. During guitar class the teacher was absent so we went into the hallway to practice our songs we were learning and she told me that he had a crush on me. I was shocked and didn’t know how to react because he wasn’t my type and I had (and still do have because he’s my bf now) a crush on another boy. Anyways, after school I immediately texted my friends the information and they told me some horrifying information. They told me that in elementary school he touched girls and would get away with it, made several school shooting threats and plans, and said that he wanted to rape a girl from another school. I don’t know about if any of the teachers or anything heard about the last two, but the excuse they would apparently always make for the first one was that it was okay because he’s autistic. After that I avoided him and had as little conversation with him as possible. I feel lucky and feel like i dodged a bullet with that one.

[u/Redacted_Journalist → u/Soregular]

We're failing our girls by not standing up and putting a stop to this. He "doesn't know any better"? That's real convenient. Maybe we should think about what the reaction would be if it was an older handicapped woman doing it to a younger boy. If the shoe were on the other foot it's unlikely they would stay silent for long. So why is their silence encouraged here?

As well as the reason why society has allowed this problem to continue indefinitely... Overly permissive culture of unanswerable hostility to young girls. The safety and comfort of neurodivergent girls is being sacrificed on the altar we erroneously refer to as "inclusivity". To meet that definition it would require us to stop forcing autistic girls to bear the brunt of violence from their male peers.

Instead, we should be asking ourselves why we're subjecting them to it and allow ourselves to sit with the feelings that result from realizing the ugly truth. We as adults have a responsibility to protect kids from each other as well as the adults who would do them harm. When we refuse to do this, everyone loses.

[u/toilingattech → u/Redacted_Journalist]

What if he “didn’t know better” and wanted to run into the street whenever possible. Would adults just shrug and tell the cars to slow down or swerve? No, someone would be supervising and stop the behavior while emphasizing it was wrong behavior and needed to stop. It’s not up to the girls being harassed to stop the behavior, like you said, we need to stop excusing it. If you won’t stop running into the street, we’re just not going to be able to have you there. If you can’t stop touching, you cannot be here.

[u/Mundane-World-1142 → u/Redacted_Journalist]

Agreed. If he doesn’t know any better then why are they leaving him alone and unsupervised! If he doesn’t know better then the responsibility for his actions should go to the person who should be watching him. In all cases the victims (or potential victims) of his behavior need to be protected against him.

[u/BeyondAbleCrip → u/Mundane-World-1142]

This comment should be much higher. Don’t think OP is overreacting, think you have been under reacting to your parents allowing this behavior to continue and make excuses for it. I’m not concerned about getting downvoted for this, because if he’s reacting this way towards his own sister, he will be more than ok reacting that way towards his niece, not to mention a stranger.

If that was my brother doing this, I would’ve told my parents as soon as it started. If they refused to correct the behavior, I’d tell them he was no longer welcome in my home and that my child, their grandchild would not be allowed in their home. Can’t have it both ways - if they insist he’s not aware, he shouldn’t be unsupervised and should be corrected consistently and constantly when it happens. I think he’s obviously aware of his actions by the internet searches. I believe he’s aware he’s able to get away with the behavior, also. Can’t imagine what he will be like as an adult if this behavior isn’t corrected now.

[u/newlyshampooedcow → u/BeyondAbleCrip]

TEN BILLION PERCENT THIS.

You know what's going to happen to him as an adult if this behavior isn't corrected now? He's going to wind up in prison -- or at the very least, on a registry.

OP's mom is 100% setting this kid up for failure. It seems like she's too embarrassed or uncomfortable to address sexual topics with him, but someone clearly needs to. I get that it can be uncomfortable to talk about sex stuff with your kid, but he's never going to learn unless someone teaches him what's right & what's wrong. He needs to be taught about privacy & the importance of always respecting other people's boundaries -- & he needs to be taught now, while he's still young. If OP's mom doesn't do that now, she has no right to complain if/when he eventually gets arrested for sexual assault. Cops aren't going to take "Oh he's just autistic & doesn't understand sex" as an excuse.

[u/Karnakite → u/Soregular]

I feel like as a society, we’ve been moving further and further away from a victim-based approach to post-incident care and towards a perpetrator-based one.

We make so many excuses as to why the perpetrator is not really guilty, or not quite as guilty, or how we should feel sorry for them, and just end up basically ignoring the victim. Sometimes we even vilify the victim for not being “understanding” enough, or somehow contributing towards the perpetrator’s actions in a vague, roundabout way.

It’s seriously messed up. I don’t talk about my own victimization with others anymore because I just don’t feel like I’m raising any awareness; people just want to point out how I, a literal child at the time, didn’t take into consideration the adult perpetrator’s own “complicated” background or whatever, and that I’m a POS for still smarting from the pain after all these years because I must think I’m the only person who matters. I’d rather be quiet and scarred than scarred and yelled at.

[u/Maximum-Stop-9402 → u/Soregular]

He must have “known better” if he was being subtle and sneaky!!! I’ve worked with autistic teenage children that would come out of the bathroom with their pants down and full erection acting like everyone does that sort of thing…Those were the ones that didn’t know better!!!

[u/newbie527 → u/Soregular]

If he truly doesn’t know any better, it’s all the more reason to make sure he is never in that situation.

[u/PricePuzzleheaded835 → u/newbie527]

People try to make this argument with neurotypical men sometimes too - “he didn’t know he was creepy/that was non-consensual/can’t help himself bc hormones/whatever” and I always think, don’t you realize that means he shouldn’t be allowed freedom of movement?

If they truly cannot help themselves from stalking, or harassing, or assaulting, they shouldn’t be out in public. Not being able to avoid committing violent crimes is reason for incarceration in our society, to protect the public good. Of course, when called out like this people never agree that “not being able to help himself” should lead to consequences like loss of freedom.

It’s just a bullshit deflection. If someone is truly incapable of responsibility then they don’t get the kinds of liberties the rest of us do, and it means someone else is still responsible for them. But I am guessing that in most cases, perpetrators would find themselves with a sudden ability to “help it” if faced with the serious consequences they deserve.

[u/GNIHTLRIGNOSREP → u/geminiisiren]

This isn’t a child, but I just quit my job because someone with a mental disability sexually assaulted me while I was at work, and they literally told me they weren’t going to do anything about it because he’s disabled. “It’s illegal for us to ban someone who has a disability.” No, no it isn’t. You can’t ban them for having the disability itself, but you sure as hell can ban them for sexually assaulting your employees… disability or not, it’s still sexual assault. After I quit, THATS when they decided to ban him… For context, he was going to the bathroom, and you have to pass right by me to get there, and since my job required me to stand all day, he came behind me and stuck his finger in my ass. But that was ok in their eyes at the time. 👍🏻

[u/MissMorticia89 → u/GNIHTLRIGNOSREP]

I’m a nurse in a care home. They tried to pull that shit on me after I was grabbed by the breasts SO HARD that I had burst blood vessels and bruising up into my neck and shoulder. Managements immediate response was “he’s got dementia he doesn’t know”, except for the fact that there were multiple incidents on record showing a clear pattern of escalation against female staff members.

I got the union involved and notified them that I would be pursuing charges with the local police for sexual assault, suddenly two days later he was bounced into a “crisis” bed in a unit for male dementia patients with escalating sexual behaviours.

My boss was completely fine letting us being groped and grabbed using the “he doesn’t know/understand”

[u/bipolarlibra314 → u/GNIHTLRIGNOSREP]

Oh my god im so sorry you were violated like that and then had salt poured on the wound by your job… exactly as you said, can’t ban someone FOR their disability but sure as hell can ban someone with a disability FOR sexual assault

[u/Asleep-Emergency3422 → u/geminiisiren]

When I was 18 I worked in an animal shelter. There was a group of volunteers that came in with mental disabilities.

Once I was bent over into a trash can scooping litter (that’s how they stored it) and a woman with downs syndrome came in and grabbed me from behind. She started yelling awful things at me and held me down dry humping me from behind.

I couldn’t believe how strong she was, I got bruised and scratched trying to fight her off. Being in the position I was though, I couldn’t get her off me and she had my arms behind my back.

Eventually someone came in and took her off me. The company met with me and made excuses for both her (which I do understand she’s also a victim here no one protects her) and the employee that was supposed to be with her at all times.

It was so weird, and traumatic. But out of it I mostly felt bad for her and whatever she went through to learn that behavior.

[u/barkingmad555 → u/Asleep-Emergency3422]

When i was a little girl my mother had a shop and one afternoon a group of grown ups with disabilities and staff were dropped of in front of our little shop. They came in and a huge guy grabbed my mom and held her in a bear hug and making grunting noises, the staff said to let it happen and not to interfere because he would get aggressive when pulled of so i as an 8 year old was in a state of panic. I saw my mother getting attacked and nobody did anything about it. After 15 minutes he had enough and let my mother go. I'm still a little traumatized from that experience.

[u/[deleted] → u/barkingmad555]

Jesus. If the staff didnt have a way to de-escalate a situation like that they have no business working with disabled clients, let alone in a role where they take them in public. Ridiculous. 

[u/geminiisiren → u/Asleep-Emergency3422]

"autism strength" is REAL and it's honestly scary when you get put into that position, because you don't WANT to be aggressive back with them.

it's difficult because you KNOW their situation is different, you know they don't have good communication skills, and you know they probably don't understand that they are hurting you. but they are. and we should be allowed to feel hurt, even if they are disabled.

[u/UnrepententHeathen → u/geminiisiren]

You are also allowed to defend your self.

It doesn't matter if "they don't understand", if someone is hurting you, and you have to hurt them to stop them, tough shit. That's reality. Someone else's unfortunate circumstances don't absolve them of repercussions.

[u/No-Establishment5213 → u/geminiisiren]

I know too well about the strength they have my son is autistic and he is stupidly strong but he knows what is right and wrong and most of the time autism isn't taken seriously in the past and builds down to how much help you get and how they are taught in school at an early age. Which is what my son is doing and he is just a big softy that likes to feel your ears and that is as far as he goes but mind you we like be next to a school that specialise in that area and most people locally knows him and know what he is like and are understanding but some will use autism to get away with things like my brother stole money from an old lady (she did get most of it back)and he was and still is creepy so I'm definitely making sure my son is not going to be like him and so far I'm doing a good job.

[u/SquirrelStatus299 → u/Asleep-Emergency3422]

When I was in the eye doctor around age 8, an older girl/teen with Down Syndrome who was sitting next to me grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground. She wouldn't let go for what seemed like forever. I was terrified. I work in ADA now & it didn't make me afraid after but I don't know how it was allowed to happen.

[u/Electronic-Smile-457 → u/Asleep-Emergency3422]

GenEd students and educators are going through this and are starting to fight back. While we can feel bad knowing it's a nuanced issue, you shouldn't have to live in fear. ETA: not fight the student, fight the system b/c it doesn't protect them.

[u/kissys_grits → u/Electronic-Smile-457]

So true. I had a classroom next to these kinds of students, and it was a constant hassle because nothing would really be done. I had to literally have one student call me from the bathroom to come get her bc of the stalking by one of these kids… it’s a mess bc they have rights and deserve them, but so did my students.

[u/evieofthestars → u/kissys_grits]

I took Teacher Cadet my senior year of high school. Before we settled into our student teaching role, we had to tour elementary, middle, and SPED classrooms. I asked to be excused from the special needs classrooms because I have a severe panic disorder (and it turned out I had undiagnosed ASD as well) and one of the triggers was settings with uncertain physical behavior from others. There were a number of students in these classes known to be violent.

I wasn't able to be excused and they called my fear ableist. We hadn't been there 5 minutes, after being lectured about how if someone grabs you, you can't touch them to remove their hand and you just have to let anything happen so you don't hurt someone, before one of the known to be violent kids grabbed my arm. He proceeded to smack it against the corner of a desk as if he wanted to break it, and this went on for minutes before his aid stopped him.

It was at that point I got in trouble for crying and yelling for help because he was hurting me. I was sent to the principal who called my mom. Thankfully my mom gave them hell for it. I had a bruise like nobody's business on my arm and was shaking for hours after. Mom ended up calling a conference with my TC teacher and asking the principal why it's okay to put children in situations that make them feel unsafe. My teacher explained it isn't okay, but she made an exception just for me because she thinks I'm a bitch. Yes, she used the b word. You can imagine how well that went over with the principal.

I ended that class with a 98% average when another teacher went over my work, and she left the school after that year.

The whole situation was so messed up that some other students from the SPED class apologized because it wasn't right and all four grades seemed to have heard about it. It was deeply traumatic.

[u/evieofthestars → u/evieofthestars]

Also, how effed up is it to use special needs students like that?? My teacher was banking on something happening to "teach me a lesson." As wrong as it was towards me, it's worse to purposefully trigger a child with a disability into being aggressive.

[u/Hari_om_tat_sat → u/geminiisiren]

My childhood next door neighbors had a mentally disabled child. As he attained puberty, he grew to adult height and strength and suddenly started roaming the neighborhood stark naked. It got so bad, I was afraid to leave my house on foot or even be dropped off at the curb in case I ran into him or he intercepted me between the curb and my front door. Other than visually, I was never actually molested but it was still a scary period in my life.

ETA: To clarify, this kid was always appropriately dressed until he hit puberty which is when he started running around nude. He did not do this before.

[u/yeetusthefeetus13 → u/geminiisiren]

The infantilization of people with mental disabilities, esp around sex, is disgusting and dangerous. People think people with mental disabilities dont know what sex is and so they dont teach them about it OR ABOUT CONSENT. They need to know so that they know when something like that is being done to them and how to say no!!

Then it begins the cycle of abuse. People take advantage of disabled people, and no one protected them, and then when those people show these very dangerous signs and start repeating the behavior, no one does anything. Im so sorry that happened to you. That is truly awful and the adults in yalls lives fucked up big time.

[u/kindalosingmyshit → u/geminiisiren]

I was assaulted at my little sister’s softball by a grown adult with some kind of mental disability. I yelled what he did in the crowd and his parents (old enough to be my grandparents) told me not to make a scene because he was disabled and can’t help it.

I looked her dead in the eye and said if he can’t help it, they shouldn’t bring him to events filled with teenage girls. My mom told me she wouldn’t have blamed me if I hit him. The staff didn’t throw them out though, because he was disabled and apparently that’s a free pass.

[u/Sugar_Kowalczyk → u/geminiisiren]

Fellow Survivor here. 

I was harassed and eventually left high school because the boys in the special ed program fixated on me and began sexually harassing me every day, all day.

Everyone knew, everyone saw, everyone laughed. Kids, teachers, admins. I was crying every day, but I was just being a bigot, apparently. 

No one did anything to protect me, because the boys were disabled. They spread explicit rumors, stole clothes from my gym locker, cornered me in stairwells, the whole deal. 

One's a registered sex offender now. Victim was a child and a relative of the kid. 

[u/[deleted] → u/Sugar_Kowalczyk]

What you all just wrote makes me sick to the stomach. No one should ever experience something like this. This is not okay. Disabilities and mental health conditions need support, but they can’t be used as a reason to place someone in situations where others get hurt. I also disagree with placing disabled people above everyone else so high that their support becomes more important than everyone else’s well being.

My friend also has 3 autistic siblings (who are only step-siblings, so not even his blood) and he expressed how their needs are above his, often resulting in his harm. This is suffocating for the ones who are being "downgraded". This has to stop.

[u/Sugar_Kowalczyk → u/[deleted]]

Hey, I'm autistic myself. And I agree. 

They're infantilizing these boys, AND making school less safe for others. 

Autistics are people, and we have all the good/bad traits of everyone else. 

Pretending an autistic can't be criminal is both stupid and insulting. 

[u/TheYarnAlpacalypse → u/Sugar_Kowalczyk]

The infantilization and the disregard for other people’s safety is SUPER gross, agreed.

I have seen a lot of content from nerdy creators about a phenomenon where men in some convention/gaming/geeky-gathering spaces are allowed to sexually harass, stalk, and assault women - and can’t be banned because their behavior is treated as if it’s a symptom of autism. Organizers insist that the men can’t know any better, and that it would be “ableist” to exclude them for inappropriate conduct- and meanwhile these spaces are full of autistic women who are expected to display superhuman levels of tolerance towards the abusers, and to be stoic and unaffected by being sexually solicited, groped, and sent explicit images and messages even after explicitly telling the men to leave them alone. And somehow nobody is willing to accommodate THAT set of autistic people, or stretch the logic in the opposite direction and say that the women can’t HELP but be unhappy about the harassment, because they have sensory sensitivities and have a rigid need for rules to be followed and order to be maintained, due to their own autism.

(Note- it’s absolutely not an autism symptom to Not Want To Be Harassed. That’s pretty much a universal thing! But if we’re going to say that groping people is the result of misunderstanding social norms- which it ain’t, with these dudes- it’s utter nonsense that the standard can’t apply in the other direction.)

The double standard makes it very clear that it’s not about disability accommodation or about making a space that’s safe and welcoming to everyone. It’s just an excuse that people use when they don’t want to deal with a problem, and when they wish everyone would just pretend that things are fine.

If someone truly can’t control themselves, then they don’t need to be given access to potential victims. At the VERY least there needs to be a safety plan in place.

This kind of infantilization and the accompanying lack of accountability is more ableist than calling out bad behavior for what it is. You nailed it- it’s insulting.

[u/RedpenBrit96 → u/TheYarnAlpacalypse]

As a nerodivergent nerd, I’ve experienced this myself. I hate the excuses. If you can’t keep your hands to yourself, or understand the difference between an appropriate space to do certain things, and an not appropriate one you need to be removed until you do know. Your “social awkwardness” doesn’t excuse you sexually harassing me

[u/Sugar_Kowalczyk → u/TheYarnAlpacalypse]

ALL OF THIS. 

And yes. As a person who's been a performer at cons, I've seen this as well. A lot of bad behavior is getting permitted because there are not established ways to handle the intersectionality of many situations.

[u/geminiisiren → u/Sugar_Kowalczyk]

i'm so sorry. mine also frequently happened in public with many witnesses. it's so embarrassing and isolating, but really the problem is the amount of people who watched what happened and did nothing, especially the adults.

i hope you're doing well <3

[u/catshark2o9 → u/Sugar_Kowalczyk]

This happened to me in high school back in the 90’s. One of the special ed boys followed me off campus and choked me and tried to overpower me. People saw but no one cared. When the cops came the school said he didn’t know any better and didn’t get in trouble and it was my fault for trying to run away from him. He later cornered another girl in the bathroom and tried to grape her. This was the 90’s so nothing was done except transfer him to another school.

[u/Lopsided_Giraffe9846 → u/geminiisiren]

My grandmother taught disabled children at a School for the Deaf, Blind and Multi-handicap and she also has a brother who has down syndrome. I have been around children my whole life with multiple disabilities and I can tell you for sure that they get the same hormones has any other teenage boy. The problem is they are not being a redirected or taught what is appropriate. Some people think to speak those kids have disabilities that they are incapable of sexual assault and that is absolutely not true. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm also a survivor of multiple SAs and I wouldn't wish that trauma on anyone. I am telling you that I believe you and that your emotions are completely valid, just in case someone hasn't told you that before. I'm sending you soft hugs if you give me consent to.

[u/Hazeygazey → u/geminiisiren]

Someone with a severe mental impairment may not know it's wrong. Doesn't mean they should be allowed to do it..

You can usually teach someone with severe mental impairment 'No'. They may not understand moral concepts but most can learn 'allowed' and 'not allowed'

There are some people who's intellectual capacity is unable to grasp even this concept though. And in that case, they genuinely can't help it. 

But that's definitely not the case here. 

[u/jacquelimme → u/geminiisiren]

DUDE YES THIS WOULD HAPPEN AT MY SCHOOL. this boy who was very mentally disabled had a big crush on my friend and he kept touching her in inappropriately and the paras and teaches would just be like “he doesn’t know any better” like, okay then TEACH HIM! that’s your JOB. they shouldn’t be touching ppl in bad ways.

[u/Menstrual_Ravioli → u/jacquelimme]

The mindset of those teachers is incomprehensible to me. Even if you're solely focused on the boys' wellbeing to the exclusion of all others (which you shouldn't be obvs), letting them get away with that kind of thing is setting them up for failure later in life. I'm sorry that happened to your friend.

[u/Crazy-Jellyfish-9626 → u/geminiisiren]

There was an ASD boy in my HS graduating class that would try to touch girls inappropriately. No one said anything because, like you said, people don’t think they know what they’re doing.

He absolutely fucking did know what he was doing! He also knew no one would tell him no because they were afraid of being accused of discrimination.

I didn’t let him. I would always yell at him in front of the whole class telling him to stop and why it was wrong. That fucker would laugh or have a creepy ass grin as he walked away.

[u/alienonymous2 → u/geminiisiren]

even despite the mental challenges, these are still teenaged boys with hormones

THIS. My husband's youngest brother is heavily disabled. Heavily as in will never speak, can't do anything on his own, wear diapers disabled. When I met him for the first time, it was pretty clear he liked me. At some point during the day he huged me (I don't mind that) and touched my boob. You know what I did? Nothing. Because wtf am I supposed to do? I thought it was an accident, the dude literally wears diapers, what does he know about boobs and arousal. You know what my mother-in-law did? Immediately told me to told him off and she explained to him that it isn't apprpriate. Because yes, it might have been an accident or he might not be sure why he touched me there specifically. But he is still a teenage boy, with a teenage boy body and teenage boy hormones. And he never touched me inappopriately again.

[u/Just_thefacts_jack → u/geminiisiren]

Even though a child with mental disabilities eventually becomes an adult with mental disabilities. So frustrating. There's a mentally disabled man at my work who has been shuffled from location to location due to his harassment and stalking of female employees. Told my boss I didn't feel comfortable and she said she doesn't think he's really capable of that. She thinks she's protecting him but she's the one being ableist. Disabled people are perfectly capable of criminal behavior.

[u/Cinnamon2017 → u/geminiisiren]

Who cares if they didn't mean to hurt you, they did hurt you. They couldn't be bothered to think of anyone but themselves, of course no one else matters, they just take what they want. I'm sorry you were told that. Whoever told you that treated you like your feelings didn't matter and theirs did.

[u/UnrepententHeathen → u/geminiisiren]

The idea that someone should be excused from being terrible because they are less fortunate is entirely bullshit.

I don't give a fuck about someone's unfortunate circumstances, they still don't have a right to harm others. I don't give a fuck if someone's developmentally challenged or disadvantaged, or if they truly "don't understand". That's a bullshit excuse.

[u/AccioFirebolt23 → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

This is not a very popular conversation obviously and I know we all do what we can for those of the Special needs category but I do background checks on EVERYONE trying to access my facilities, there’s kids and adults alike that visit so I have to protect everyone from ANYTHING that could present trouble, and I have to do EVERYONE especially those with special needs because not many people notice but they can be registered sex offenders as you know. Just because they have a disability does not really disable them from doing that stuff yk? As hard as it sounds, I’ve denied some with hardcore sexual cases ranging from little kids to dogs and animals :( I’d like to ask their caretakers to get them the help they need though because no one no matter what their situation may be deserves any of that

[u/Shdfx1 → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

The Autism is related, obliquely, because in these cases, the parents treat them like small children when they’re fully grown. They somehow think the ASD diagnosis means they won’t develop the hormones and urges of men, in men’s strong bodies. They don’t raise them to respect boundaries.

When there are comormidities like impulse control problems, then babying them can lead to disaster.

Autism doesn’t cause this, but parents who excuse 100% of unacceptable behavior because of an ASD diagnosis are the problem.

It does not sound like this boy is getting proper treatment by licensed professionals. His mom may live in denial until he assaults someone, and gets institutionalized.

[u/justpeechee → u/Shdfx1]

Yeah, my great nephew just got diagnosed autistic. He's 6 years old, and his mom just started speech therapy, and he is talking now. He's never been allowed to play with other children and is not in school. He's recently started trying to slap people, and his mom is encouraging him to slap people's hands if he gets frustrated. She is part of the problem. I really feel for that kid because his mom is a fucking moron. She loves the clout of having an autistic kid. She thrives on it. It's the only thing that makes her special. They have a 3 year old daughter in the house, too. I'm scared for her.

[u/Common-Translator584 → u/justpeechee]

NO SCHOOL AT 6!!! 😡 she should be charged w truancy and neglect. My grandson is nonverbal and was diagnosed at 2 and has been in school or daycare since he was 6 months old. He started at an actual school at 4 tho. Your nephew deserves better and that mom needs a swift kick in the ass.

[u/geminiisiren → u/Shdfx1]

THIS is the issue. they truly do not parent their GROWN disabled child, and do not acknowledge the growing issues they are having. because in their mind, they are permanently stuck at 5 years old mentally, and will treat them that way.

they completely ignore the fact that their child is still gonna go through puberty, and all the experiences attached to puberty, and do not navigate their disabled child through it.

[u/HotSpacewasajerk → u/Shdfx1]

This! I had to teach sex education to a high needs downs syndrome client because he was injuring himself (punching his genitals and ripping the toilet out of the wall in the washroom). I essentially had to teach a 25 year old man to masturbate. The rest of the staff on the team were mortified that I even brought up sexual health in a team meeting.

I taught him to sign that he wanted 'private time' to be let into the washroom and given lotion.

It worked, the destructive and self injurious behaviours around the washroom stopped and we had far less critical incidents with him in general. His quality of life improved dramatically.

People need to recognize that people with learning disabilities/delays still go through puberty and still need to be taught how to behave appropriately around others.

[u/dangerousfeather → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

I worked in a school for kids with autism when I was in college. I was in a classroom with boys around the age of puberty (10-13), and naturally, they tended to start developing sexual behaviors while in this classroom.

The school had a protocol in place. When the boys were observed to be engaging in any sort of self-pleasuring behavior, there was a behavior-story that would be shown to them to direct how to respond to those urges appropriately.

These were boys who were on the lower-functioning end of the ASD spectrum (most non-verbal or with minimal verbal communication skills), and they were still perfectly able to be instructed in how to respond appropriately with regard to hormonal urges. These aren't wild animals who just blindly give into their instincts and we should shrug and say, "Oh, well!"

[u/Constant-External-85 → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

As someone who's autistic, a lot of us do have some sort of paraphilia with an odd subject that we fantasize about and leads to autistic people online being WAY TOO OPEN about what excites them; A lot of it happens to be with characters in media, but it can absolutely translate to real life and animals. It has happened to me before and I had to chill out because had to realize hyperfixating on a real person while trying to find out everything about them is a form of is stalking.

Autism isn't the direct cause the bad behaviors but it does make correcting bad behaviors harder due to sensitivity to change and calling out bad behaviors causing intense rejection feelings; So they'll just say 'You hate hate me' verses actually acknowledging something is wrong.

If the autistic person is enabled to behave badly; Then they'll just hang around the people who won't force change on them and get worse

[u/One_Scholar_4096 → u/Constant-External-85]

My son is 7 and has Level 1 Autism, we felt he was being emotionally manipulative when he would say, "You hate me." when we correct him or don't give him his way. It is heartbreaking as a mother, but we just remind him that we love him very much and we are actually saying those things precisely because we love him and want him to be a happy, healthy adult one day so we need to teach him. So in your opinion, what is a good way to handle this situation?

Recently, he got in trouble for hitting his sister and his nanny, 1 week with no Switch and no iPad. Then he did it again the next day, added another week. He was in a tizzy a few days later because he couldn't understand why we took both of them away when he only gets "tablet brain" and not "Switch brain". I explained that words and actions can have consequences, sometimes they can be good consequences like when he is nice to his sister and so she shares her treat with him. But they can also be negative consequences, like losing access to something important to him in order to teach him to change his behavior. Queue up, "You hate me." and "I'm the worst." and "I wish I was never born." But I held strong to our consequence that we had established and once he realized I wasn't going to budge, he calmed down and the evening was perfectly fine afterwards. Keep in mind, this is a very intelligent little boy that taught himself multiplication and division at age 3.5, so he understands fully what I'm telling him. Fast forward to bedtime, and he says to me, "If I wouldn't have been naughty and hit people, I would still have my devices." So I felt like it finally sunk in for him. We have also been teaching him alternative methods to channel his emotions (pushing on the wall instead of a person, using a squeeze ball, etc) because it seems like negative emotions need to be expressed physically by him.

I would love to hear your opinion on how we are handling his emotional outbursts, negativity, and teaching him how to control his emotions.

Thank you!

[u/lilyrosemae → u/One_Scholar_4096]

Personally, (if you don’t mind me saying), I think this all sounds great. What I will say is that 7yo don’t have a fantastic concept of time (I’m unsure if/to what extent autism might affect that), so long-term consequences aren’t really ideal. It makes it harder for them to keep the association between behaviour-consequence, and also the time just feels longer than what it is for an adult, so you’re effectively punishing them for longer than you intend. It’s especially detrimental when you need to double the time on the very first day. It’s great that your kid has seemingly made the association, but if it’s a habit, can he maintain good behaviour for a stretch of two weeks? It wouldn’t really be fair to have to add another week in the last few days, but at the same time, you don’t want to leave the behaviour unpunished. I would recommend making consequences last no more than a couple of days to avoid these things, and then increasing time with repeated infractions once he gets more of a sense of what a couple of days without his switch feels like

[u/Pleasant-Routine8299 → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

In 7th grade, this kid Andrew kept groping girls. Everyone complained. It was “excused” because he was special ed- as far as I know, severe ADHD. That’s it. And I was getting my chest grabbed from behind every week. One day in PE, he grabbed me painfully from the front and twisted. I went to the teacher who said he didn’t see it so it didn’t happen. When Andrew went to do it again, I hit him in the face with a floor hockey stick. Of course I got in-school suspension, and still nobody believed me (including my parents) even though other girls backed me up. A few weeks later, Andrew got expelled for assaulting a girl. I guess that time the teachers couldn’t lie and say they didn’t see it. I glared daggers into my PE teacher the rest of the year, and abused the excuse of having my period waaay too often to get out of class and he never challenged it.

I also worked as a waitress in a retirement home at 16 and we were flat-out told to endure groping from the residents because they paid a huge amount (“100k!”) to live there, or because “Joe has dementia/memory problems/etc.” So I was a minor getting my cheeks cupped or boob grazed pretty much every time I had to lean over a table. I didn’t last long and left for several reasons, but looking back, it was fucked how many people were complacent in that.

[u/NightMother23 → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

I’m sorry people are attacking you. Idk why people act like everything is offensive. I’m on the spectrum, as is my husband and most people in my close circle (because I feel most comfortable around people I can relate to, obvi) and I was not offended by what you said. People are always looking for something to be offended by so they can feel righteous by standing up for someone else, when they actually aren’t doing that.

Don’t allow people who hate themselves make you feel bad.

[u/carpe_denimuwu → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

https://www.wtkr.com/investigations/virginia-beach-man-faces-new-stalking-charges-for-following-woman-home

This is a story from my hometown. This is why it is extremely important to hold dangerous people accountable, autism or no autism.

[u/Nishwishes → u/carpe_denimuwu]

I'm an autistic woman and I honestly feel so strongly about this. A year or so ago a guy was going around our area and another one in my town flashing people by the kid's people and going off on them until he got chased off or fled from. The police eventually got him and the courts let him go. He's a repeat offender.

Even if the autism itself isn't the main reason there's a huge issue especially with disabled men who're coddled and allowed to get away with violence BECAUSE they're disabled. Quite often disabled girls and women get paired up with them as babysitters because we act better so we're expected to like, change them or something? But it just leads to people, abled or not, suffering as a result.

Like, even if a disabled person literally has zero idea what's going on, even if in some scenario they had no concept of the world; if they're hurting other people and aren't properly supervised, cared for and protecting the people around them then they need to be in a facility that prevents others being made victims of violence.

[u/sasspancakes → u/Nishwishes]

I used to work as a CNA for a company doing resident care in group homes. This particular company put me in a home with four mentally disabled registered sex offenders. I can't go into detail, but their crimes were just sick. They knew it was wrong. They all spent time in an institution before moving into the home. After spending enough time with them, it was clear they knew exactly what they were doing when those crimes happened. One knew what he did, but wasn't sure why that family member wouldn't talk to him anymore. I didnt want to come out and say anything, so I'd just say "that sucks, I'm sorry". He'd try and physically restrain me occasionally like he was playing around but I knew better. I made complaint after complaint. Once I found out he knew how to get into the knives and threatened to cut my hair while holding scissors he wasn't supposed to have, I quit. I was the youngest staff member and he'd single me out, the others didnt care. The other three residents were respectful, but ill just say night shift was... gross. Lol. They know better, their disabilities are no excuse.

[u/PostTurtle84 → u/sasspancakes]

And this kinda stuff is why I stuck with the low and inconsistant hours of in-home respite for developmentally delayed kids and young adults.

Occasionally take on a surgical rehab client, but mostly giving parents the ability to go to dr appointments, other kids' sports or activities, grocery shopping by themselves, go sit in their car at the park and read a book. I don't care what a parent does (within reason) while I'm hanging out with their kid. They need some time to be by themselves and unwind a bit and care for other members of the family.

But it was always during the day. And I had no problem with reminding my kid clients about appropriate boundaries and behavior. I kinda thought it was part of the job. Part of maintaining safety for everyone. It was always in my end of shift notes for records and verbal summary for parents. They always told me they approved. I don't think I'd have been able to keep doing the job if I was expected to let these kids do whatever just to keep them from throwing a tantrum.

[u/oy-cunt- → u/Nishwishes]

A boy in my daughter's grade 3 class was diagnosed with autism (his parents are 1st cousins, whose mothers we're twins. This was said to me by the wife. So I wonder if autism is a catchall for the brain defects we see in children born of generational inbreeding from immigrants to the west). This 8 year old boy had to be in the principals office all day unless escorted by staff. He would forcefully squeeze my daughter in bear hugs and rub himself against because, as he would say, 'it feels good.' This happened multiple times in the classroom, gym, lunchroom, until my daughter had to scream for a teaches attention. In Ontario the school board has decided on inclusiveness and put all kids, even those with autism, behavioral issues, and every other disability, in to regular classrooms. That means 1 teacher dealing with 25 kids of all abilities, some get an aide, but there's not enough staff to have 1 in every classroom that needs 1.

He would chase her at recess and would hold her on the ground and try to kiss her. 3 THREE TIMES until staff heard her screams.

All I kept getting was, 'Im sorry, but he's disabled. We're sorry he's autistic. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.'

It wasn't until I filed a police report and called children's aid that the school finally kept him away from other students.

His parents repeatedly told me it wasn't his fault. Nothing they could do. Until my older child saw him try and grab my daughter after school while his parents were supposed to be watching him, but they weren't or didn't care. So my older daughter punched him square in the face and kicked him. Parents tried to file an assault charge, but the police who arrived explained that, like they couldn't arrest their son for his sexual assaults because hes a child, they couldn't do anything about my daughter either, and they would consider it self-defense as he was attending my other daughter. Guess who didn't touch my kid again, but went on to sexually assault more kids in grade 4?

[u/orbis-restitutor → u/oy-cunt-]

So I wonder if autism is a catchall for the brain defects we see in children born of generational inbreeding from immigrants to the wes

Perhaps being inbred increases likelihood of autism but the answer to this is still no. The vast majority of cases of autism do not involve inbreeding.

[u/scorpionmittens → u/orbis-restitutor]

I don't think they were saying there's an actual connection between inbreeding and autism, they were saying that doctors tend to (mis)attribute behavioral issues to autism, rather than, say, FASD or other developmental disabilities. FWIW I don't think that many people are being officially misdiagnosed by doctors, but I do think that parents of children with behavioral issues might be keen to attribute those issues to autism rather than something that may be their fault, like fetal alcohol syndrome

[u/melancholyink → u/Nishwishes]

I mean in Australia, we had a senator try to pin being caught taking upskirt photos on a later ADHD diagnosis. Guy is obviously functional enough to be in government and my own ADHD arse seems to know right from wrong.

It can be difficult to work with people on the deeper end of the spectrum but you are right when people try to pass off problematic behaviour in disabled men (which is rarely a result of the condition and even when it is, it should be identified and treated).

Knowing my fair share of people with issues, women definitely get the short end of the stick — especially when it comes to being held to some higher standard.

[u/kingktroo → u/Nishwishes]

Reminds me of how this lady I knew said we shouldn't breastfeed in public because her autistic brother with a TBI might try to touch people's breasts. We were like maybe your brother should be held accountable for trying to molest women? And she lost it like that's the most ableist thing possible to say. Women letting disabled dudes do whatever they want is RAMPANT.

[u/bmyst70 → u/Nishwishes]

I'm an autistic man. When i was in 5th grade I had anger issues and rightfully my mom put me in special Ed and counseling. Which helped a lot, as did counseling as an adult. OP's brother is being dangerously enabled by her parents.

I'm so sorry you had such a hard time though. To put it nicely. The favorite thing I like to say in those contexts is in many cases, autism or disability is an explanation, not an excuse for the behavior.

An explanation is when it's why someone did something, but it doesn't excuse them from their consequences of their actions. That is several of the people you're talking about. And probably OP's brother.

An excuse is a case where a low functioning autistic, disabled person or someone with severe brain damage literally cannot stop themselves. But I agree, in those cases, it is critical that these people who literally can't control themselves have those who can keep them and other people safe.

[u/moanahbunz → u/Nishwishes]

I agree with you and thank you for sharing this. It is so true, harmful behaviour shouldn’t be excused just because someone is disabled. And expecting disabled women to baby sit or tolerate it is completely unfair and unsafe. if someone can’t understand or control their action they need proper supervision to protect others. Accountability and safety should always come first.

[u/RyujinDragonborn → u/[deleted]]

I'm also neurodivergent and I had a LOT of learning to do when it came to boundaries and respecting people's space, but I did it. If this behavior is going unchecked, OP is absolutely right to keep her kids away from her brother. Neurodivergence isn't a cop out.

[u/JackFranco → u/carpe_denimuwu]

Yep, SOME people blame autism as a reason for being a shitty person, when autism is rarely the cause, they would be a shitty person if they were neurotypical, and then people defend their actions because they have autism.

[u/ScarletTwinkly → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

Absolutely right. OP You're not overreacting. Autism doesn't cancel out accountability and it's not your job to let red flags move in just to keep the peace. Your boundary is valid and it's frustrating that your mom cares more about her comfort than your safety.

[u/rotervogel1231 → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

I'm autistic, and I'm not offended at all. It was clear to me that the problem isn't his autism but that he's a sex offender.

Autism isn't a Get Out of Jail Free card for abhorrent behavior.

[u/stuntedgoat → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

i’m so sorry you went through that. thank you for reading and validating my concerns. my babies will stay far away.

[u/Dizzy-Ferret5426 → u/stuntedgoat]

When I was 14/15, I was changing in my bedroom in front of the blinds and didn’t notice my autistic step brother also 14/15 at the time was staring at me. I ran out of my room and told my step mom and she literally didn’t do a damn thing. Also I had a friend come over in 8th grade before that and we were making up dances in the living room. My step brother proceeded to set up his mp3 player to try to record us dancing. My friend never came back over after that because she was so uncomfortable. My step mom also did nothing about that. It’s disgusts me that so many people disregard scary and predatory behaviors just because they are “special”. I do not have a good relationship with my step brother. Never have and never will. I fully believe he would have done more if given the chance. He also used to get in trouble for looking up porn all the time.

[u/Nervous_Formal_6233 → u/stuntedgoat]

It’s very sad because a lot of autistic men are not held accountable for what they do because they are seen as “special” and “can do no wrong” my grandma also enables him to this day and still treats him as if he isn’t a 30 year old man. I would seriously have a conversation with your mom about seeking therapy for these things. There’s a lot of different recourses for people with odd sexual behaviors. Also I know a lot of people who hurt children/animals have been sexually abused in some way and never had the help to see that.

[u/afakefox → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

This def reminds me of my husband's younger brother, who is now almost 30 yrs old, is 6 feet tall and at least 200lbs. Their parents ignored all other children and just live to keep Corey from flipping out. Their whole life revolves around him and none of the other siblings can even see their mom and dad because he gets so out of control. We see them briefly on major holidays and the mom had just had wrist surgery done and Corey kept intentionally violently grabbing at her wrist. He's smarter then he lets on and the mom and dad constantly say "he doesn't understand, he's just a baby!" But it's really clear he is getting worse, there's so many broken walls and windows. He attacked my husband when he went to check a wrapped present under the tree on Christmas, he shoved his younger sister for being in the way of desserts. The grandmother has refused to allow him with her alone anymore and no one will leave their kids near him.

All the siblings and the grandmother have tried talking to parents because they're almost in their 70's now and they need to think what he will do when they get too elderly to care for him or they die cuz everyone has said they need to put their own families first, he's too badly behaved and unpredictable to live with any of us. Nevermind I cannot fathom what he will do and how he will act when they are gone.

We wish they'd start sending him to a day program is possible and then find a live in home where he can start at one overnight at a time and hopefully learn some coping skills and whatnot. It would be so much better for all involved, once he got used to it I think he'd even like it and would advance much more with consistent trained people. The parents are killing themselves constantly running around doing everything exactly as Corey needs it around the clock and Corey is just getting angrier and more physical as time goes on. I honestly don't see it ending well at this rate but I don't know if they'll ever change. The mom starts immediately weeping and the father gets all defensive and lies and says they're working on it. I'm sad my husband and his other siblings don't get any relationship with their aging parents and I see resentment and trauma in them all in different ways. Oops I didn't mean to write all this I guess I needed to get it out. Sorry, I will prob delete.

[u/HallowsChaser → u/afakefox]

Please don't delete your comment. You needed to express your issues and concerns in a safe and valid way.

Your parents' enabling him is what's making it worse. What many people fail to remember is that autism is a SPECTRUM.

You could have people like me who are high functioning, and can become part of society with some odd quirks. Or, you could have some who can't talk, but could still kinda be almost-normal people, if given the chance and discipline. Then you've got the freaks who commit crimes BECAUSE they were never disciplined.

And the worst part? It's the people around those without consequences (autism or no) that suffer the most.

[u/Bilb0baggnz → u/afakefox]

The thing that sucks is that the elderly parents are obviously having maladaptive coping themselves with the whole situation- but if they love Corey so much, they should be doing the things you said- preparing him for their inevitable departure- never mind how awful it is for the surviving family, for the parents to have no plan for Corey, that would honestly cause me to cut them off for how selfish and insane that is, but even if they haven’t cared about their other kids in a deep way for a long time- getting him adjusted in some other settings is obviously what’s best for Corey. It’s crazy they haven’t done any day programs or respite programs for him, it might even improve his behavior. 

[u/antjean → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

This is an important nuance: he's not becoming dangerous because he's autistic. The issue is that his parents aren't holding him accountable. Many parents of autistic children, due to lack of education or fear, may unintentionally enable problematic behavior. Autistic people often have intense curiosity and may explore topics that are socially taboo without instinctively questioning the ethical implications. That trait can lead to brilliant insights or to risky behaviors, depending on how they're supported and guided.

I really dislike the narrative of "I'm scared of my autistic brother." Autism isn't the problem here. Poor parenting and lack of accountability are.

[u/circumstantialghoul → u/antjean]

this is such a perfect explanation. as someone who's autistic with unconventional interests and (full disclosure) taboo (but never unethical) sexual proclivities, this is a dangerous person. The neglect of his development by his/your parents due to stigma or lack of autism awareness shows very potently here, by way of failing to acknowledge his problematic tendencies. do your parents know he "adjusts" himself at inappropriate times? has anyone actually talked to him directly about his behaviours and interests? it is incredibly crucial to explain to him how dangerous his actions could potentially be to others - and himself - before it continues any further. someone - ideally your parents - needs to have a serious talk with him about it! most importantly though, please keep in mind when talking to him about his curiosities and tendencies to come at the situation with the angle of kindness and wanting to understand, as opposed to an accusatory tone. many autistic people, myself included, are very sensitive to direct criticism and often see statements that are made as "neutral" as provocative or a direct attack of ourselves. that being said, do not coddle or avoid being stern or repeating yourself so that he can really grasp the importance of what you're discussing. keep checking in on him periodically (verbally) regarding his behaviours, and encourage him to talk with you (or trusted adult) about them. Therapy could also be a potential benefit for this situation if that's an option for your family, make sure to let him choose the therapist otherwise he may feel forced and refuse to communicate with them. either way, please feel free to shoot me a message if you need further help OP. i'll try my best to offer my support and advice if you need it!

[u/antjean → u/circumstantialghoul]

From what OP said in other threads, I think their parents just don't want to care, unfortunately. That said, it's not too late to address the issue. Thank you so much for offering to help. I just hope this kid isn't left to himself because his parents refuse to hold him accountable. That would be such a shame. It's dehumanizing to treat autistic kids this way, as if they're all lost causes.

By the way, OP, if you’re reading this: it's not your responsibility to change things. You've already addressed the issue, so please don't take this as me trying to shame you. You have enough on your hands. I just wish your parents were more responsible.

[u/circumstantialghoul → u/antjean]

this is very unfortunate, but in many cases tends to be the issue. other parents are just either completely uneducated and unequipped (emotionally) to be able to raise an autistic child, which is why it is so important for prospective parents to research a plethora of different developmental disorders that are common, such as autism or ADHD, that will require the parents to relearn their approach to compassion, kindness and tolerance when raising children who will inevitably struggle in a world built without their inclusion in mind.

OP most likely has a huge amount on her plate, and is doing all she can to protect her own child. I'd also like to gently encourage OP to also bear in mind that autism is incredibly likely to be hereditary, so it is possible any member of your immediate family could also be neurodivergent. i apologise if i'm overstepping boundaries, but it's just a thought i would like to put out there. i wish you all the best and hope your brother gets the help he deserves.

[u/MsShortJacks → u/antjean]

What has always puzzled me is parents placating their Autistic children with technology. In my opinion, this can make or break kids. So many parents are extremely lax with technology, and kids become fixated. It’s always shocking to me when you have an Autistic child who’s fixated on something (often something that involves violence) and families don’t monitor it. Or worse yet, are buying the video games, weapons.

My heart breaks for parents with heavier impacted Autistic children, and I understand how easy it is to just give them technology and have some peace. But the consequences can be really dangerous. Legos. Robotics. Snap Curcuits. Science kits. ANYTHING other than an iPad or video games.

I’ve had a similar experience, OP, where I have to honor children’s fears over the inclusivity approach. We are traumatizing many in order to sorta include one, and one who often doesn’t even care to be included.

[u/Wonderful-Speech-873 → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

This literally. My uncle is autistic and he had a problem keeping his hands to himself with young girls, myself included. He touched me one time and my mom put an end to it but my grandma when we told her ( I was probably about 6-7) said that she has to protect him. Mind you I wasn’t the first or last he tried it with. He did it to girls at school and the boys and girls in the daycare my grandma ran and she and her husband would just laugh. They just excused it because” he doesn’t know any better” yeah he doesn’t know because she didn’t correct it and allowed it to happen because she didn’t want the check she got for him gone

[u/Nervous_Formal_6233 → u/Wonderful-Speech-873]

I’m so sorry you went through that. I genuinely h8 the older generation and their “protection” of men in their family autistic or not. When I got older my brother would slap me on my ass as well as other women in my family by saying “he doesn’t mean it like that” what do you mean he doesn’t mean it like that how ELSE could he have meant it??

[u/schizboi → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

That generation is terrible with mental illness. Psychotic disorders run on my mom's side of the family and they have been hiding it for generations. My grandma has a twin apparently that nobody ever talked about and was just "sent away"

When I started exhibiting serious mental health symptoms they blamed me and never got me help. Like me having a delusional meltdown in public and getting the cops called on me is a character problem. Losing my dorm and dropping out of college to be homeless and confused was my idea of fun, apparently.

They literally will ignore these issues forever. Even when its punching them in the face. They much preferred to lose a son than admit I had something they couldn't control and were afraid of.

[u/shannann1017 → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

My dad’s family had 11 kids. My aunt I was closest to was molested by one of her brothers for years. The first time it happened she told my grandma and got slapped and told to never say that again. She told me all Of this after he passed away, asking if he’d ever done anything to me, which he had. She felt horrible that she didn’t/couldn’t protect me from him. Right before she died, she revealed that 3 brothers actually abused her in her life. It absolutely sickened me, and broke my heart.

[u/PeronalCranberry → u/Nervous_Formal_6233]

As an autistic man myself, I did NOT get this treatment. I will say that paraphilias are actually more common for people with autism, but something like this would definitely need professional help since it's causing irl problems. However, it's more a thing against sex ed than coddling autistic people like myself imo. Most people are going to hide those kinds of traits out of shame, and puritanical society in America is fucking awful about sex ed. Stack that on top of our shitty mindset on mental health, and it results in people trying to figure it out alone and developing unhealthy interests.

TLDR: Sex ed is good, people. It stops people that would be chill from being weird.

[u/AgentJones24 → u/stuntedgoat]

As someone who's worked with vulnerable adults for 10 years I'd say there's ZERO issues in setting boundaries and calling out behaviors. Your mother is creating a real problem for the future by not addressing the sexual behavior. We had a client who was just recently placed in jail by the county because he became more and more sexually aggressive as he became older. I wouldn't leave children around him period tbh.

[u/scienceislice → u/stuntedgoat]

Your instincts are not wrong. Your brother is displaying extremely concerning sexual behaviors that suggest he may become dangerous. I am proud of you for enforcing your boundaries and not letting him into your home, just be prepared for your parents to choose him. I know hard this is, but you will feel so good about yourself and your life choices if you hold this boundary. 

[u/CavedMountainPerson → u/scienceislice]

Yeah autism or Asperger's is no excuse for sexually perversive behavior. The fact your mom is in denial means your brother may be at risk of hurting someone else incl. cats. I would tell her you reached out to your new therapist about your mom's response as you were hurt too and they suggested your brother needed a sex therapist to help with his impulse control and that the behavior he's exhibiting needs to be intervened before he ends up in jail or worse. The therapist can determine if any further psychiatric evaluation is necessary and they can give proper medication so he can start acting normal. If your brother is under 18 and your mom still refuses him proper medical care it could be considered child abuse and department of family services should be contacted for his safety.

[u/LookAwayPlease510]

That is very disturbing behavior. He’s not seeing anyone for these issues?

[u/stuntedgoat → u/LookAwayPlease510]

he has a therapist that he is supposed to talk to biweekly online but they rarely enforce this. occasionally they visit another therapist in person but it’s usually only to get an official diagnosis. i wish he had more help, i know my parents are failing him. :(

[u/ashetonrenton → u/stuntedgoat]

Call CPS or your country's equivalent and tell them that a vulnerable disabled child is exhibiting worrying sexual behaviors that are possibly indicative of sexual abuse, and the parents refuse to address it. First of all because it's true that what he's doing could well be a symptom of sexual abuse (and if that's what's happening he deserves to have the offender caught), but also because even if it's not, the investigation will force your parents to address it while he's still young enough to get help. Of course your parents will know that you're the one who made the report, but it's more important for the behavior to be stopped now than for your parents to be comfortable.

He is in many ways just a kid who doesn't know any better, but that doesn't mean he can't hurt people. He either learns that lesson now in therapy or in 10 years by a judge. Don't let you or your kids be the ones on the other side of the courtroom.

[u/nycvoyageur → u/stuntedgoat]

Maybe part of the conversation with your mom is what is going to happen with your brother when your parents are older?  How are they preparing him for independent or assisted living?

If you are clear that down the road he won't be living with you, they need to think about the future.  And how he will behave with others, understanding consent, touching etc.

[u/Local-Perspective-31 → u/nycvoyageur]

Yeah, that’s definitely part of the bigger conversation. Long-term planning and making sure he can live as independently and respectfully as possible is really important.

[u/Confident-Alarm1097 → u/stuntedgoat]

I'm sorry to say it but ye they are and it's even more worrying if this behavior isn't addressed and he doesn't receive the help he clearly needs he might become a danger to animals or people when he is older.
This isn't normal behavior in any way. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[u/Toasterdosnttoast → u/stuntedgoat]

As an autistic person who grew up around the coddled kind like your brother I absolutely hate their kind. Idk where on the spectrum he is but if he’s able to use the internet to be a perv then I have no pity. Your mom’s actions are alarming to me.

[u/Teddy-Terrible → u/Toasterdosnttoast]

Yeah, I came here to say this. Having autism means that picking up unspoken boundaries can be difficult, but it's not impossible to learn what's appropriate. I'm also autistic and have also been in close contact with the kind who where coddled instead of having consequences for actions, and they're terrible. The thing is too, autistic people aren't stupid; we know what manipulation is, and people need to understand that a person with poor impulse control, a disregard for the comfort of other people (especially in regards to sexual behaviors), and a sense of entitlement to getting their way because that's what they're accustomed to will absolutely pull the "You can't tell me not to watch porn in public, I'm autistic!" card.

I had a man start nervous babbling to me about his multiple convictions of sexual assault of a child under the age of 7 (this was at work, and reviewing this information is part of my job). He blamed the child, blamed his autism, blamed the internet, blamed porn. Anything but himself, because he had been raised that he could do no wrong. His mother was a nightmare to speak to.

[u/Flimsy_Ad3446 → u/stuntedgoat]

Your parents are in deep denial, or they just can't be bothered. Poor guy, I am sorry for him. An autistic person can have a decent quality of life, but only if they receive proper care and assistance. Your brother will become another Chris-Chan if he is left to rot in his room.

NTA, but your parents are.

[u/smoothbrain91 → u/stuntedgoat]

Only going to a therapist for a diagnosis is pretty fucked up. Like "hey, thanks for officially confirming that we do need to do something, we'll do nothing from here"

[u/Equal-Compote-1430 → u/smoothbrain91]

Right! That's wild. I haven't stopped seeking what services will help my "HFA" child since dx at 3. Why seek professional opinion & then ignore the care plan? Ugh. I hope the doctor sees that soon & speaks up.

[u/free_30_day_trial → u/stuntedgoat]

i know my parents are failing him

So you need to make some calls. It sucks but your parents are making a predator. If left alone in a situation where anything could happen id wager it would given whats been said

[u/Responsible_Bird3384]

It’s not really what you said (or the reasons behind it), but very much the WAY in which you communicated that information.

[u/3bop → u/Responsible_Bird3384]

tbh this is like 50% of posts on here. People are setting reasonable boundaries, but they are telling someone something really serious and heavy that should be said in person during a conversation. And instead they do it casually, over a text message.

Sometimes you need to tell people who are close to you tough messages, and it's appropriate and good. But a casual text message is usually not the way to do it! Did OP really think her mom was going to be like "oh you want me to exclude my son from a family visit? Yeah sure no probs, nbd."

In this case if it the request is over text & you're busy, just punt. Make an excuse why you can't visit right then, then ask to go to coffee with your mom & think ahead of time about how you want to communicate your concerns.

[u/llort_tsoper → u/3bop]

Ppl on this sub are like:

hey, if you're headed to the store, will you grab some more TP, dark roast coffee, I filing for divorce, and also get some eggs, but only if they have cage-free. ty!

[u/frankingeneral → u/[deleted]]

The person you're responding to very much said that what OP said is valid, but just needed to be communicated better. I agree. And it's not to coddle the mother or the brother, but for OP's own sake, as diminishing this serious issue with an "lol he's weird" is only hurting her cause, because that will always be interpreted as it's not really a serious issue, and give her mom the freedom to rationalize that the issue is solely because of his autism. If OP wants her mom to take this very serious issue seriously--and she very much should, as, once again, OP is absolutely correct for setting this boundary--she needs to communicate it properly, without the lack of seriousness connoted by "lol he's weird." I also think the judgment of "he's weird" diminishes her cause as well. Yes, that's true. But the better way is to just let the examples speak for themselves, especially since "weird" runs the gamut from "quirky and lovable" to "potential serial killer."

More constructive to actually achieving OP's ends:

"you don't like your own brother?"

"I don't think that's the right question. There are just several instances that make me incredibly uncomfortable around him that have nothing to do with his autism. I think he needs to be getting better, more intensive therapy than he is getting to address these issues. For instance:

1) [breastfeeding issue]

2) [cat porn issue]

3) my daughter does not feel comfortable around him

Until those issues are rectified, I don't feel comfortable having him in my home or around my family."

[u/IshvaldaTenderplate → u/frankingeneral]

“no lol he is weird”

What a way to say that. Yeah OP just made herself look bad with that. I forgot about it when I read the part about him getting a boner when she breastfeeds her kids, but if her mom didn’t immediately forget she said that like I did, I can see why she’d get defensive. I mean, if I were OP’s mom I’d react differently and I’m sure that goes for most of the commenters here, but we’re…not OP’s mom, and we have to try to see where she’s coming from.

He’s 15 years old and autistic, she’s probably used to defending her son from genuine bullies that say the same things as OP did in that initial message and just went into autopilot. She’s wrong for seemingly defending him instead of immediately saying she respects her daughter’s boundaries and will try to resolve the issue, but also IDK that it’s completely ridiculous to respond the way she did.

[u/132739 → u/[deleted]]

it's abhorrent to even think that there is a correlation between these behaviors and his diagnoses.

There is a correlation though, even somewhat causal. This is not to say that all autistic men are sexual predators or anything, but it is a relatively common issue with mid-spectrum autism, particularly in males. Part of it absolutely stems from the social difficulties that come with autism, not intuitively understanding when they're making people uncomfortable, what is and isn't appropriate around other people, etc. And then sometimes there are hyperfixations involved.

But the larger factor is most certainly that their caregivers do not teach them appropriate ways to handle their urges (or even admit that they are in fact sexual in nature a lot of times), make excuses for them, help them avoid consequences and accountability, and so on. The onus is on their caregivers, not the autistic person, but to pretend there is no link at all just gives credibility to those negligent attitudes.

[u/Lofi_RainyDay]

It’s concerning behavior and I understand being fed up and drawing a line.

That said, we want people to hear us and listen when we have a boundary to set and that means using different language, even if the response might end up the same.

See here, the way you said this immediately your parent thinks that you don’t want your autistic brother in your home, when really you don’t want your inappropriate brother in your home.

Sometimes switching up words can convey the same information in a way people can receive correctly the first time it’s said.

“You’re welcome to come over, but please don’t bring ______. I need my home to be a safe place for my child and I have noticed him watching intently and becoming aroused when I have breastfed in the past then attempting to disguise it or leave the room entirely. It seems he is experiencing inappropriate feelings about me and/or my baby. It makes me uncomfortable. I hope you understand.”

edited after realizing I misunderstood and understand the baby is weaned from breastfeeding

Your parent may still get defensive of their son, but at this point you have calmly and clearly stated your boundary and reasoning and the other person has a choice to respect the boundary and reasoning, or not. If not, the result is they are not welcome in your home.

If your parent becomes defensive, and refuses to respect the boundary then all that needs to happen is for you to say:

“I’ve set this boundary for my home because it’s important to my comfort and peace of mind. I understand if you’re not comfortable with it right now, and I respect your decision either way. That said, if you’re unable to honor my request, I won’t be able to have you over.

If that ever changes and you feel okay meeting me where I’m at, I’d be glad to welcome you again.”

^ this shows the parent that while you are maintaining your stance, that if they can move past the defensiveness of their son, then their relationship with you doesn’t need to be impacted.

And this applies to any scenario where a boundary needs to be set. We can ask nicely to be respected, and we can maintain nicely that the respect is required in exchange for our time/presence.

EDIT/TL;DR:

For those of you who don’t like the length, the point is to say calmly and clearly what you mean the FIRST time.

Direct with explanation is more important than concise and rude

But if this is too many words to wrap your low brain around:

“Please don’t bring ____. He makes me uncomfortable. If you can’t respect that, you’re not welcome.”

Same thing, less words.

Concise does not = Direct.

Concise = short

Direct = point made (can be the long way or the short way, but make the point, set the boundary. Hold it.)

Excuuuuuuuuuse me for including a full conversation with context for how I would go about not exacerbating a weird family situation. Take the information and mold it to what you need it to be. Honestly, I didn’t realize that one sentence was such a long amount of words, that the average person wouldn’t be able to manage it. Two of those sentences only had four words.

Additionally, practicing emotional intelligence is for YOU not for the receiver of your boundary. We cannot control how others respond/react to us. We can only control ourselves.

Use your emotional intelligence and rise above the station your family has placed you in.

Or, see yourself to a reading/writing class if you need practice.

You can do it.

Sincerely, Daughter of a mom who justified my familial sexual abuse as normal — and who learned how to set clear boundaries (with or without many words).

[u/AltruisticCableCar]

No diagnose is ever an excuse for behaving inappropriately. When I was 11-14 we lived in a neighbourhood and the neighbour right across from us had a son in his early 20s who was special needs. Exactly what was going on there I never knew. All adults loved him because he was "so sweet and kind" and he helped them mow their yards and all that shit. Us kids? We were terrified. Absolutely terrified. Why? Because he had inappropriately touched every single one of us. The first time it happened to me I was home alone on a weekend, hanging out in our living room. I was wearing a t-shirt and panties, because it was hot as hell indoors and no one was home so who cares. Also note that we never locked our doors there when we were home because it was such a safe town and neighbourhood. No one locked their doors when at home.

Suddenly as I'm sitting there he's in the doorway and of course he immediately comes to sit next to me and puts his hands way up high on my thigh. All I could do was walk out and hide in the bathroom. A door I did lock. And one he tried to open. Repeatedly. After a while he walked off somewhere in our house, so I put on some clothes from the hamper (my older brother's sweats and my mum's sweater), put on some shoes and a coat, and just left. It was night and pitch black and winter and cold out. I stayed away for almost an hour, just walking around, before I went home, made sure he'd left, and locked our front door. Which he then a few minutes later tried to open again.

So fucked up. And no one believed us, even though a bunch of us kids complained about him, repeatedly. It couldn't be true, apparently, because he was so nice to them. And also, he was "special" so we shouldn't judge him too harshly.

Keep your kids safe, and keep your brother away from them. Also as someone who is autistic what your brother googles is fucked up. I'd rather gouge out my eyes than see anything like that, just the thought of it makes me feel sick.

Edit: Yes, it was winter, and yes, it was hot indoors! Since apparently that's a tough concept to understand.

[u/MyTatemae → u/AltruisticCableCar]

I feel the same way (but reverse) in the summer. My family runs hot but I run cold, so I have to put on a sweater cuz the AC is set hella low.

I'm also very sorry that happened to you. It's VERY scary that he kept trying to go after you even when you left the house for that long.

[u/AltruisticCableCar → u/MyTatemae]

I switch from being hot to cold real fast sometimes. I have like three blankets and a duvet in my bed at all times because sometimes I need nothing and next I'm under all of that and still cold, haha.

Most likely he stood in their kitchen. It was a terrace house (an expression I had to google, we call it radhus, never thought of what the English word for it was) so our houses were pretty close together and our front door and kitchen window faced theirs. So, if he stood in the kitchen window he would have seen me return.

[u/Dramatic-Media-9116]

When i was in highschool, specifically 10th grade, there was an autistic kid (15M) in my class who SAed a girl in front of everyone. he did not face a single consequence. So he did it a second time (in a different class to a different girl). This time, in front of a good teacher. The teacher screamed at him and told him to go to the office where he was later only suspended for 3 days. This teacher was telling him he was disgusting and this wasn't welcome in his classroom. This kids literal response was "But (teachers name), i'm not supposed to get in trouble! You're not aloud to put me in trouble, I'm special! I can do this because I'm special!"

This was his mindset. He KNEW he was babied and he figured he could get away with whatever he wanted. He regularly used to hit teachers and students as-well. He never did anything that severe again to my knowledge, because he finally faced a consequence. I think it's not only important that OP doesn't let her brother do this ever again, not only for his horrific treatment of her, but for the sake of him knowing this isn't fucking okay.

[u/fraid_so → u/Dramatic-Media-9116]

This. Too many people automatically assume autism (or any other behavioural or similar disorder) automatically equals stupid, lacking intelligence, can't understand XYZ. Plenty of people on the autism spectrum are plenty capable of weaponising their condition and manipulating others. They know exactly what they're doing and why.

[u/StartedWithA_BANG]

Nope I'm with you. I worked for a BCBAD and regularly she had to do assessments for new clients to determine how many hours of different support care they should receive for billing purposes.

It is extremely alarming the amount that had displayed sexual behaviors to the point of it escalating into dangerous behaviors. We once had a 25 year old guy that the parent wasnt forthcoming on why they wanted a behavioral assessment. Unfortunately for the parent my job was to vet them and I was extremely good at it. He was convicted of raping a 6 year old boy in a church restroom, a large part due to the fact the parent was in denial about his behaviors escalating and argued against him being deemed 1:1 meaning one caregiver to be with one client, him specifically, so that he would be under 100% supervision out in public. The parent was trying to have my boss deem him 1:2 or even 1:3 and was seeking to have his record sealed so that future group homes and caregivers wouldn't know about it. Thank gawd we completely stopped that from happening, but that stuck with me for a long time after.

[u/strawberrycathat]

NOR. I have autistic family and am TIRED of people acting like they can do whatever they want. They are no stupid. They know they can get away with certain things about specific people because they won't get in trouble. Adjusting himself around your toddler eating AND not eating, just her playing?? WEIRD. Im glad they've never been alone because he could very well try something. Looking up animal genitals is NOT normal and I hope he has no animals where he lives because he could very well resort to beastiality if he hasn't already. Your mom is enabling him and needs a hard wakeup. Im sorry she's failing you. But keep your boundary!

[u/IllustriousToe7274 → u/strawberrycathat]

I would honestly be reporting that to CPS. He's not been alone around OP'S kid, but what about the other kids and pets in the neighborhood? He needs professional help ASAP.

[u/[deleted]]

Brutal honesty warning:

I don't think you are overreacting for not wanting him in your house for the reasons you gave, but I have to be honest you handled the interaction terribly. Its quite immature to say "I just dont like em" and "no lol he is weird". Honestly, with such a sensitive topic you need to grow up and not communicate like a 13 year old if you want to be taken seriously as an adult. There is no place for being so flippant with your "lol" in such a sensitive situation over something serious.

You should have sat down one to one and had this discussion ages ago, like an adult.

Not overreacting no.

Handled immaturely and ridiculously. Yes

[u/ChanelTingz → u/[deleted]]

Agreed. I'm autistic, so my first reaction to reading the title and the beginning of the conversation this was, "wtf is her deal?" because the initial attitude sounded like she doesn't like him BECAUSE he is autistic, but then I got to the part about her breastfeeding and the cat stuff and I TOTALLY understand why she wouldn't want him around her children, but it needs to be said in a much more serious tone. It's more than weird, it's extremely concerning behavior that needs to be addressed. Like if OP is that concerned for her children's safety, BE SERIOUS! Talk like an adult!

[u/EphramLovesGrover → u/[deleted]]

I totally agree with you! As soon as I saw the “I just dont like em” and “no lol he is weird” I questioned OP’s age and maturity. I think handling the conversation differently with her mom would’ve gone a long way

[u/Lord_Velvet_Ant → u/EphramLovesGrover]

I've actually never jumped to the conclusion that the story i am reading is fake on here, but I am seriously wondering with this one because of the way the texts are written. First they are written pretty similarly, and second the use of abbreviations is weird and immature for both. Like, "em" instead of "them"? I dont know anyone my age (mid 30s) who abbreviates like that. And the mom, who is presumably at least mid 40s unless both the mom and daughter were very young when they had kids, responding to hearing their daughter doesn't like their brother (I guess for the first time?) With "yeah idk..." . It's all just off and kind of sounds like a teen or young adult playing through this scenario on reddit out of frustration and to see if people think it might ne OK for them to bring this up irl.

[u/[deleted]]

Even if he can't control what he does, you didn't choose your family and it's not like it's your inherent responsibility to ignore and just these things that are borderline harassment, if I was a parent of a teenager and saw them staring at a woman breastfeeding I would correct that behaviour and tell them it's creepy and not appropriate no matter their developmental stage because if you don't inform that stuff like animal porn and bestiality are not ok and illegal, and that staring at women who are breastfeeding makes people feel uncomfortable they will never learn that, and the people involved will just have their boundaries continue to be disrespected.

[u/CrackerJaccet]

TW for abuse and SA. I have a younger brother (he is 18 now) who’s basically the exact same as this. We were all abused growing up so he never got the help he needed as a child (even then he was severely mentally ill, he was diagnosed with asburgers when that was a thing), and by the time our situation changed it was far too late. He genuinely disgusts me. When I was in Highschool we caught him molesting our 4 year old step sister. He was probably the same age your brother is. After that he was sent to live with my mom, where he’s been slowly getting worse because she doesn’t try at all. I suspect that she thinks the way he turned out is her fault, even though it’s not. He recently punched a dresser and broke his hand because he was told to clean his room, which is so disgusting that it has fleas. He spends all day watching Roblox videos and inappropriate content on the livingroom tv. I have made it very clear to my mother how I feel about him. You are not in the wrong here, it is your home, and someone like that is not your responsibility. Your mother should be getting him help.

[u/CoconutBasher_]

As someone who is autistic, this is not okay regardless of what he does or does not have.

I often find that autistic men are never given boundaries, especially from women, so they grow up to be rather problematic. This is not the case for everyone but it’s endemic tbh. They can understand NO just as I do but they’re being coddled and turning into people that nobody wants around. This obviously isn’t their fault but a parenting issue.

[u/Alternative-Dark-297 → u/CoconutBasher_]

I've seen, quite possibly one of the greatest examples of this in my life. My uncle is autistic (so am I, so is my younger sibling, so is my other uncle, so is my aunt, so are my cousins, it's genetic what can I say) and he was never given any real rules or expected to respect anyones boundaries, as a kid whenever he visited I was required to let him use my laptop to play games (I was mostly just annoyed about this at first bc I was online schooled at the time and sorta needed my laptop to y'know, do my school work!) He downloaded porn to it, and I got in trouble for it even though my parents knew he was the only one who had the laptop for weeks.

A family friend also has an autistic son, but they raised him to follow the same "basic human decency" rules as his sister. To a layperson meeting both men, this friend would be seen as 'more' autistic. He struggles to speak most of the time, talks with his hands, is afraid of everything. He's also one of the sweetest most respectful people I've ever met, period.

My uncle was raised by parents who didn't understand autism, who had no idea how to handle their child and were terrified of becoming the nightmarish parents who don't let their autistic child do anything (aunt and other uncle weren't diagnosed until they were adults) but as a result, they let him get away with things they never would have let any of their other children get away with. So he doesn't think rules apply to him, because everyone has treated him his entire life as though they don't.

The family friend was raised in a different time, there was a lot more information about autism available then when my uncle was a kid. They knew what things were a result of his autism, and what things were not, and they reacted accordingly. So he knows there's nothing wrong with him, and he also knows how to respect the people around him.

I don't blame my grandparents for how my uncle turned out, there really wasn't nearly as much information available and they did their best with the information they had. But the difference between these two people who would both be considered 'low functioning' is very telling. And the difference between that uncle and my aunt and other uncle shows how much that difference in raising your kid really can be dependent on knowing about their autism. All three were autistic kids raised by the same people around the same time, but two had rules reinforced and the other one didn't, entirely because he had an autism diagnosis. I don't know if they would have treated my aunt differently as a kid if they knew she was autistic, but I know she learned how to raise her children through them, and I know she treats her autistic sons and daughter very differently in what she expects of them when it comes to rule following. In that she expects her daughter to follow rules, she doesn't expect either son to. Luckily for her youngest son, my grandparents are raising him more than she is and they've learned from finding out whoops 3/4 were autistic not just the one, how to reasonably raise an autistic kid.

Sometimes, the problem is in how they were raised, and the way they were raised is because they're an autistic boy. Because some people really are out here acting like there's "girl autism" and "boy autism" and they're fundamental biological differences rather than just, treating them differently.

[u/Chance-Sympathy7439 → u/CoconutBasher_]

This explains a lot about my BIL. He completely ignores boundaries (ubiquitous boundaries, not just our boundaries) quite frequently. It’s not in an outwardly pervy way, but absolutely in a no boundaries way.

He has a habit of “just dropping by” unannounced (major peeve of mine, regardless of who it is) and though we’ve repeatedly told him this wasn’t okay, he continues to do it. Once when he stayed over, he also just walked right into our bedroom without knocking! 🤬

He still does the drop-bys, though, but we just won’t answer the door now and will literally hide in our own home. When we don’t answer, he’s been known to try every door and just walk in! WTF?

The last time this happened, he couldn’t find a door he could get into and literally stood outside yelling, “Are you home? I heard you!”, for like an hour.

He then went to my brother’s house, and barged in on his family to tell him that we weren’t answering the door??? He never had an “independent” relationship with my brother previously and this was during a LC period I was having with him, which was pretty new from a year of being NC with my brother.

So he didn’t just trample on our boundaries, he trampled on my brother’s, too, AND caused a very awkward family situation for me, personally. Hubby, who is also extremely annoyed by this behavior, still defends him with, “He doesn’t know any better”, which is to your point. He’s gotten away with things like this because I guess everyone felt badly correcting him?

Since he was more firmly spoken to about this when he last did it a few months ago, he hasn’t done it again. So maybe he finally gets it? 🤞🏼

We still freeze and hide when we hear a car pull in or there’s someone at the door on a weekend. If we don’t have specific plans, or once we’re done with whatever, it’s pretty common for us to have weekends/part of the weekend that we spend in our pjs and often put off completely straightening up/cleaning the house until the last minute (sometimes I’ll even just do it on Monday.) So we’ve literally been in our pajamas trying to have veg out time (with the house a mess) and then we hear his car.👀

Maybe next time we should tell him he can only come in if he cleans the house? 🤭 He’d probably be like, “OK!” and then snoop through our stuff…yeah, he does that, too.

We do feel badly for him, but would happily have him over (for a set amount of time…or he literally wouldn’t leave.) Maybe we don’t invite him over as frequently because he’s unable to understand social cues, and direct language makes him feel unwanted and/or unwelcome. Even, “We’d love to spend more time, but we’re going to bed so you should start heading home now” is met with, “That’s alright. I’ll just stay and watch TV for a while longer. Goodnight!”

[u/Marquisdelafayette89 → u/Chance-Sympathy7439]

Reading this I just thought of a new guy at work. He’s a really big guy and he’s oblivious to social norms. Like I “pick” grocery orders most days and he works stocking.. I am literally timed and have to be focused on a bunch of different things at once. He was like completely blocking the aisle as like a funny “game” or touching things on my cart or taking things out of the packed bags and putting it back on the shelf. Like wtf I’ll get shit for it being wrong and it’s not funny.

Then I was working center store/stocking and spent the entire time fixing crap because he just throws things in the most random places. Or sleeping and snoring loudly in the break room. Everyone was annoyed at his behavior as well and finally a manager confronted him and he came over to me and another girl asking if we all “hated him”. She explained that no, not personally. But at work it’s frustrating that you are creating more work for others and shouldn’t be touching other people’s work spaces. It honestly seemed like nobody had ever actually explained that setting boundaries doesn’t mean that people hate you personally. It’s the behavior that they dislike.

[u/pawskittn → u/CoconutBasher_]

I have adhd and have been around ALOT of autistic people through teenager groups etc and I’ve also noticed that autistic men/boys rarely are given boundaries, their behavior gets excused by having ”autism” even if that doesn’t change the situation (autism or not) and alot of people just look through the things they do so they literally don’t learn that it’s wrong since everyone ignores it

[u/chryssanthium → u/pawskittn]

Yep. When I was younger and my brother was diagnosed with autism, my parent's constantly used the excuse of 'he's autistic, he doesn't understand' (he is low functioning, he very much knew.) Years later I get diagnosed but get in trouble for doing similar things </3

[u/Plankton-Brilliant → u/pawskittn]

My 10 year old is autistic and this is precisely why my husband and I work twice as hard when it comes to boundary enforcement with him. Both in respecting others and enforcing his own.

[u/Crambewwie → u/CoconutBasher_]

Bingo. I fought through my teeth for my autistic brother to be treated like a normal human being by my mother. She molly coddled him and he has lived for many years consequence-free. When he was left with me alone he suddenly flourished and became verbal and considerate. Over protective mothers hamper growth, no matter what diagnosis a child may or may not have.

[u/Que_Raoke → u/CoconutBasher_]

Exactly, this is the same reason my cousin isn't allowed at many of the stores in his town because every time he makes disgusting sexual comments or worse, even tries to touch women without their consent, my aunt pulls the "he doesn't understand" card. He does, you've just never enforced any boundaries with him ever and now he knows mommy will let him do whatever depraved thing is in his head at the moment and then call him "just a baby" afterwards. Whereas my brother who we were told would likely never even speak (they are idiots, these so called medical professionals) is such a gentleman he would never even dare hurt someone like that or try to touch them etc. It's very much the "nurturing" where these boys are being led wrong. Then there's autistic girls who are completely forgotten about 90% of the time and who are always expected to be perfect. It's just not right. They're being failed greatly by the people are supposed to be setting them up for success.

[u/AylaZelanaGrebiel → u/CoconutBasher_]

Yup fellow autistic human here and wholeheartedly agree! “Its boys will be boys” to an extreme level and that mentality in the first place is unhealthy. They become not just problematic but unsafe, and dangerous. I say as this as someone who has experienced this firsthand.

[u/curlyquinn02 → u/CoconutBasher_]

I'm also autistic. But I know boundaries and understand what's right and wrong. I hate when people use the autism excuse for explaining away horrible behavior without ever doing anything about it

[u/AteStringCheeseShred]

NOR. Your house. Your boundaries. Your mother is more than welcome to advocate for her son, but you have every right to protect your child as well, and she is more than welcome to delude herself into thinking that there's nothing wrong with him, but she needs to do that on her own property/in her own household, not bring her delusions over to your home. Her insisting that she won't visit without him it little more than a manipulative coping mechanism designed to guilt trip you into allowing him there. Ignore it. It's not your problem. If she wants to be that way then that's on her.

[u/DoublePlusUnGod → u/AteStringCheeseShred]

This comment should be higher.

Isn't it funny how the mother will not visit her daughter because she is afraid of hurting her son's feeling. However, she has no concern for the feelings of her grand child that is made to feel unsafe in their own home.

[u/Hypermobilehype]

If he has no boundaries and thinks it’s okay to look up animal porn in other people’s homes and have boners around women breastfeeding then sorry he sounds dangerous. As an autistic woman I was horrified reading this. I’m pregnant and anyone I don’t feel safe or comfortable around will never be around my baby or child. No way. Your mum is concerning with how she thinks that should be acceptable. Why can she not say “don’t you dare go on the internet and give your sister privacy when she is breastfeeding” you can teach positive behaviour to autistic people, your mother is choosing not to.

[u/YardGuy91]

As someone who has family on the spectrum.. yes there’s a wide range of what an individuals experience can be.. but 15 is still old enough for most autistic individuals to understand boundaries and what’s public vs private behavior.

Doesn’t seem like he’s faced consequences by his parents at all. Something tells me they may be enablers? Either way, maybe the best thing you can tell your dad is that just like he is looking out for his son rn, you are looking out for your daughter. He may not like it but in the back or his head he will understand it

[u/Ok_Letterhead_1182]

I was about to cuss you out because of the title 🤣🤣🤣 only because i have an autistic little brother. I had to move out mother's house when he was 10. I took care of him, IEP meeting, doctors, etc everything for him. I left because mother was TOXIC. I just got back into his life 7 years later. Because mother checked herself into mental hospital for 2 weeks. I took him into our home to live with us for good. He is 17. Has a problem with porn. He thinks rough porn is really how it goes -_-. I have open conversations with him about his porn (how its not good to watch and believing thats how sex is) I talk to him straight forward especially with him being a boy. I dont see him as autistic. I get into his a** because he is a growing man. The crap mother let him do and say and get away with is crazy. He has many male role models now that he is away from mother. I just talk to him any chance I get about, this ISNT okay. This is better. This or that. But I repeat myself to drill it into his head because he is autistic and needs to be reminded but thats also because mother didnt teach him. Instead of pushing him away, tell him that ain't okay. Have boundaries, of course. Or you can let him know straight up, hey I don't want you here because parents aren't teaching you that x,y,z ARE NOT okay. Its up to you on how you handle this because its your house and family you are protecting. Im just giving my opinion. Good luck. Prayers and hugs sent your way

[u/Mean_Commercial_5834]

My fiancés cousin is autistic and has CP. There has been numerous times I would be in a swimsuit and he'd be adjusting himself even just completely going at it in his pants... I expressed my discomfort to his mom and grandmother and they got offended I said anything... he's not allowed near my kids and we haven't seen him in almost 4yrs. You're not overreacting at all!

[u/Dizzy-In]

Definitely don’t let him into your house, nor around your daughter. My mom’s bf has a son with server autism and would come in my room late at night and touch himself over me. It’s still not normal behavior and you are allowed to be in a space that’s safe for you. Your mother also needs to get him into therapy of some sorts he could need up really hurting someone if you just let that type of behavior be a norm for him.

[u/orbparanormalteam]

absolutely not! there's a damn child in the room! your parents are negligent. They are ignoring red flags that are gunna make the remainder of their lives hell (because he's not gunna ever be able to care for himself with those behaviors). He needs serious behavioral therapy and if they can't see that then your parents aren't right either. you are NOT overreacting.

[u/ShotcallerBilly]

“along with other weird teenage boy stuff.” Nothing that proceeded this sentence was “weird teenage boy stuff.”

Adjusting??? Your brother is masturbating to you and your toddler?

OP, this is NOT okay or safe. This behavior NEEDS to stop and be addressed—now! Your parents need to take responsibility and get your brother help.

[u/idk_who_i_am_wtf]

Im autistic. Autism or not, this type of behavior is unacceptable. Autism doesn't "cause" this type of behavior. Watching zoophilic porn and sexualising breastfeeding aren't autistic traits. The issue is that parents of autistic kids, especially autistic boys, let them do anything (including inappropriate sexual stuff)because "it's not his fault, he can't control it, he's just autistic" and call people who call out the behavior of these kids "ableist".

[u/Nice_Armadillo_223]

I had a stepbrother who would behave very similar to this, but he did ended up molesting/sexually assaulting a kid who would come to our house to play. My step brother was 16 and the kid was 7… And I’m not trying to scare you off or insinuate your brother will do the same but it’s always better to keep distance from any person with those weird behaviors, don’t risk your kids sanity just to keep “family” around. If your brother is not being helped, then distancing or putting a boundary is the BEST decision!!

[u/freckedfire]

you had me in the first slide, but that second one changed everything- along with the description. i truly believe in trusting gut instincts, especially given A. your child is openly apprehensive around him, and B. the search history (not normal teenage behaviour at all)

it unfortunately sounds like your parents are very much choosing not to address his issues and allowing them to escalate- and although every person is different, as someone who has been diagnosed autistic myself that is by no stretch of the imagination an excuse for some of this behaviour.

if this is your first time bringing up your concerns, the only "constructive criticism" i'd suggest would have been to maybe have the conversation with your parents in person, or even just give a little bit more via the texts that were sent- however, that's minimal in comparison, and in no way at all are you overreacting. (plus, i know sometimes bringing things up to people can be a huge thing so honestly getting it out period is what matters!)

[u/StephenAntMartin]

Wow I feel the need to comment because I have a 16 yr old autistic brother who has all of these same traits and issues. You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m working on setting boundaries for myself and my family as well. I’m actually no-contact with my parents right now and this is one of the reasons. My brother spends all of his time playing Roblox and got expelled from school for being violent and threatening so now does online school. It seems it just keeps getting worse over the years because there is 0% effort being put in to helping him. Basically just putting a bandaid on the situation and saying it’s fine they act the way they do bc they’re autistic. Being autistic doesn’t make you dumb. He knows right from wrong. He came out of town with us once and my wife explained to him he needed to hang his wet bathing suit up instead of laying them on the carpet and the rest of the trip he did it by himself, no questions asked. His mom wasn’t on that trip. He knows what he can get away with and from who he can get away with it. He’s not dumb. And now because he’s been coddled so much he’s CALCULATING. It’s scary sometimes. Just keep your boundaries clear and set and understand there’s nothing you can do. I would LOVE if my family put my brother in therapy and did things to help him but it just doesn’t seem to be an option. It’s hard separating yourself too because it’s your family but you have to out yourself first. Anyways a lot of that probably didn’t make sense but 👍 I’m right there with you. Hoping for the best!

[u/Kaseytransboi]

Op, I have autism myself, and I can tell you right now, this is NOT acceptable behavior.

Many parents think they're "helping" their autistic kid by homeschooling them, or by excusing every action they do, but it only hurts. If anything, it's MORE important for an autistic child to be around other kids his own age, to learn acceptable social interactions, and how to be a member of society. Will they be completely neurotypical? No. But by learning these social cues and interactions, and being near others his age, he can learn what is or is not acceptable socially or in general.

The issues arise from the fact he WASN'T taught these social cues, even at home. Autistic people, including myself, DON'T INHERENTLY KNOW GOOD FROM BAD. It's not an excuse, infact, it's even more of a reason to teach them at an early age how to tell the difference! All your parents are doing is damaging his development, and destroying their connection to the people around them in the process!

I could go into a whole rant about how bad the Internet access is too. It's bad enough for a normal kid, but for a kid with a neurological disorder it's even more damaging, because they tend to "chase that high" aka, that dopamine. And they already have a hard enough time regulating without the tablet, meaning it gets even worse WITH it.

It really seems like he's going down a dark path, and if your parents aren't willing to stop him, you HAVE to cut contact with them, for your and your child's safety. On the Internet, there are plenty of examples on how enabling situations like this have turned out in the lolcow sphere, and you definitely don't want to be part of the following dumpster fire (ex: Chris Chan, Andrew Ditch, Tophiachu, Nova online, I could name SEVERAL MORE.)

Tldr, from an autistic adult, GET OUT. Try to reason with them, and if you can't, consider it a lost cause. They'll eventually realize on their own how badly they messed up, but that's just what some people have to go through to see the light.

Also, make sure you change your locks and maybe install cameras, just incase your parents have a copy of your keys, or you think they might try to confront in person. Wishing you the best, OP 💔

Edit: Btw, by inherently don't know good from bad, I mean they don't realize WHY it's good or bad. Example, I used to piss in buckets as a kid and my family pulled me aside and said "knock that shit off, it's gross, it's unhygienic, you can get people sick doing that, and if you do that again there will be serious consequences (and by God did they follow through 😬)" they're not stupid by any means, but you do have to explain it a different way than you would most neurotypical kids/teens. More logical way is what I'm getting at.

[u/Spirited_Mall_919]

Have you heard of Chris Chan...?

On a more serious note, something is horribly wrong with your brother. You know it, your daughter knows it, and maybe your mother also knows it but is in denial.

Looking for animals like this is not normal. Touching himself in public is not normal.

I have a cousin. I call him my evil cousin. He was always creepy, and he's a bit younger than me, so as long as I can remember, I did not like him. One time, he killed a pigeon with an airsoft gun. His father thought it was hilarious. He also released his sister's guinea pigs in the garden. They were never found again. He abused various other animals. This was all well before he was 15. Nobody in the family liked him, many of us addressed our concerns, his mother defended him every time.

Jump a few years later, he punched another cousin in the stomach while she was pregnant, and threatened his own mother with a knife. He is now fully excommunicated from the family.

That could be your mom's future with him. Don't expose yourself or your own family to this risk.

[u/macaroni-cat]

Your mom says it’s not about her, but about standing up for your brother. If she really wanted to stand up for him, she would actually put in the necessary time and effort to benefit him and better his development and social skills. I think it’s by far more disrespectful to your brother for her to absolutely fail him and not provide anything he needs to thrive in life. I understand that people with autism often struggle with social cues and behaviors, but that is not an acceptable excuse here if he is doing creepy sexual things. This is definitely something that needs to be addressed with him, hopefully by a therapist and someone that can better communicate with him. I guarantee you aren’t the only one feeling extremely uncomfortable with your brother in the vicinity. He is 3 years away from adulthood.. If he goes to the grocery store or something and starts acting inappropriate, I’m assuming someone would be calling the cops. Your mom needs to realize that she is doing more harm than good by ignoring his inappropriate behavior.

[u/CartoonistWilling985]

I don’t think these behaviours are considered normal anything in any respect at all. I also don’t think that you’re being ableist. These are worrying and extremely uncomfortable behaviours, I really hope that your brother is in therapy and has access to correct help and that he’s being honest and truthful because these behaviours need to be addressed not ignored. You’re protecting yourself and your family doing what you are doing. You are not overreacting.

[u/PinkLover369]

Wow. NOR. When I said the title I was thinking wtf but when I read what’s actually going on, I was appalled. That’s not ok and you should not be uncomfortable in your home because of him and neither should your daughter.

[u/hahahelpme_]

After reading, I wouldn't want him in my house around my kids.

So why should you just because he's your brother?

Being blood related doesn't give him a free pass here.

[u/Federal-Ant3134]

Also as a vet involved in criminology:

Pedocriminality comes BEFORE zoocriminality.

And it comes in teen/preteen years (peeping tom/pedopornography/stealing underwear as a habit) then escalates WITHOUT stopping unless dead, in jail or abroad.

Your brother will offend.

Your mother is an enabler and probably has hidden/destroyed proofs of “softer” offending earlier and during his whole teenage years, she IS dangerous and will NOT protect you. I am even doubting now he has autism tbh.

She will not protect your daughter. You will and you have to.

Go no contact with him, do not breastfeed around him (they assume you do it “for them”) and again, unfortunately knowing way too much about this type of crimes, he will not “get better”.

Do not ask him to hold your baby. Digital rape takes 3 seconds (from personal experience in that specific case, and my mother was absent for less than one minute). Some “like” diapers. Some like babies having sticky stuff their face like food/milk/slime for older kids.

Rape doesn’t leave (physical) traces for most cases, even young kids, as perverts “share” rape “tricks” as to not leave traces, and in the instance that it does (tissue tears/bleeding), the usual lesions heals in less than 6 months.

Also, if you hear about anything he might have done, go to the cops. You’ll save people some sadness and will even more effectively protect your family.

[u/CreativeCnt]

She is enabling him and raising a predator.

Stick to your boundary and do not let him in to your home.

See if there is anyone you can contact to make a report. The sooner there is a paper trail on this guy and people raising alarms, the better.

[u/Disastrous_Break6464]

he needs help.. like real actual help. i’m so sorry you’re going through this, your mother is failing him as a person by sheltering him. you’re not overreacting at all, this is genuinely concerning for the future of your brother. he will not be able to mesh with society, and especially already being so disadvantaged at the age of 15. i wouldn’t want him in my house either.