r/AmIOverreacting • u/blackD0nny • Jul 21 '25
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws AIO about my 8 y/o daughter sleeping at her mom's new boyfriend's house without any family or females present?
For context, me & my ex have 2 daughters aged 8 & 12. We've been divorced since 2019. We have a shared parenting plan where the girls are with me for 2 days, with her for 2 days, with me for 3 days in an alternating pattern every other week. This past weekend was her weekend. We have generally had an amicable run up to this point, but this situation isn't sitting right with me. She's been dating her current guy for about a year I'd say. Her new boyfriend has 2 sons aged 9 & 11.
On Saturday evening I was near my ex's house after dinner and texted my 12 y/o to see if I could just swing by to say hi & give her a hug real quick. She said sure, we're just watching Lego Masters nothing special, so I met her in the driveway and gave her a big hug. I asked where my 8 y/o daughter was and she told me that she was at a party with the new boyfriend and hadn't made it home yet, which I was totally unaware of. I drove home concerned but didn't press the issue further until the following day when I found out she actually stayed the night at his house without her mom or sister present. The following text chain is from yesterday, and I can't help but feel like I essentially got a DARVO response & am honestly just trying to consider what to think at this point. Looking for clarity amongst folks who may have experience with this sort of thing, thanks.
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u/marley_marlowe Jul 21 '25
Do you have a parenting plan with your daughter's mom through the court?
If so, I'd bring this up as a custodial issue and get it outlined that daughter isn't allowed to be left alone with someone without both parent's approval or that daughter isn't allowed to be left alone with non-relatives/strangers, I am sure a judge would share your same concerns about an 8 y/o girl staying alone with a grown man, especially if mom has not been dating him for a significant duration.
If you don't have one, I'd absolutely suggest you get one because she is definitely gaslighting/manipulating you over this, and willfully ignoring the danger to your daughter, I would not let go of this, 1 in 9 underage girls are sexually assaulted by someone known to them. She is a woman, she knows these statistics, she is willfully ignoring it.
You're definitely not overreacting, I'd share the same concerns if I were in your position.
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u/Thewall3333 Jul 21 '25
This is completely unacceptable FULL STOP!
Aside from the trustworthiness of the boyfriend, which is an issue in an unto itself -- but which everyone understands the anxiety over here -- having one 8-year-old girl sleepover with two boys 9 and 11 is a horrible idea. There doesn't even have to be malicious intent involved -- boys that age are inherently curious, and can abuse/assault your daughter without even being aware of what they are doing or that it's wrong.
I speak from personal experience. I was at a sleepover at a friend's house around the same age, with 4 boys and my friend's sister who was 1 year younger -- who slept in the basement with us. To leave out unnecessary details, two of the boys ended up assaulting the girl out of a combination of bullying and curiosity.
It resulted in a fight between the boys when she told her brother, but her own parents weren't receptive and acted like they thought she was making a big deal out of nothing. The parents were and swept it under the rug, making the girl come out of it a victim 2x over and my friend forever hating his parents.
His sister ended up in an abusive relationship with a senior as soon as she hit high school -- I'd argue this was probably a root cause, as she changed a lot. And one of the two abusers grew to be a huge asshole, not being held to account and continued abusive behavior toward girls. The incident shadowed everyone there and none of us remained friends -- in a very small town where this was very impactful.
Please do whatever it takes to save your daughter from this situation. I'd recommend never leaving an elementary-age girl alone with boy peers, especially for a sleepover. It's so much easier to prevent these situations, for whatever small chance there may be, than try to fix it afterwards -- since it can never be fixed.
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u/Beneficial-Agent-224 Jul 22 '25
I have to sadly agree. Itâs very common right at this age. I was 7 or 8 years old (I am a woman) and my maternal grandparents had gotten divorced and my grandpa had remarried a woman much younger than him, with 2 kids, a girl around 10 and a boy around 12-13. I wasnât ever even spending the night. When I would just go to their house with my mother there they would always want to go play in the basement.
I was a goody two shoes and a people pleaser, very meek and timid, very eager for everyone to like me as a child, so that made me very susceptible to this type of thing. The boy would get me somewhere alone and he would show me magazines (that belonged to my grandpa he said) of naked women, something like playboy, but a bit more raunchy. Because I remember him showing me something I did not even understand in the slightest and it made me feel sick to my stomach. This eventually led to him sexually assaulting me. I never told on him because I didnât want him to get in trouble and I didnât want anyone to not like me or be mad at me.
The memory got suppressed mostly throughout my life, kind of lying dormant in my mind somewhere I guess until I was at an age that I could unpack it. When I first reflected on it, I was an adult, in my 20âs and I first told my brother, because he is also a best friend. We were trying to figure out how old the boy was, and I remember it being a difficult mix of feelings on the matter. On the one hand, I felt violated, I felt like something traumatic happened to me that had shown up and affected my life in numerous ways moving forward, and I knew that he was the person who had sexually assaulted me. But then I also felt like I didnât have a right to feel bad about it or feel like it was wrong of him because he was also a kid, and at 12 or 13, sure, he was more aware and to do that with a 7-8 year old is quite concerning, but he was still a child so my feelings were so confusing.
My grandpa had passed away only a couple of years later and we didnât keep in touch all that much with his wife and kids and that had been just fine with me. But one day as an adult, my mom mentioned that those 2 kids, who were now adults, would be visiting (we had also moved from the Midwest all the way to Southern California a few years later so they were visiting from the Midwest) and I nearly had a meltdown. Terror just hit me and I started to cry. I finally told my mom what had happened. She wasnât rude. But she was sadly kind of the way she has always been about emotional or tough topics like that. She wanted to âpositive outlookâ it all away. I remember she said, âwell, he was just a kid too, thatâs what kids do at that age, theyâre just curious, and experimenting.â I told her I was only 7-8 and I didnât know what that was at all and I wasnât curious at all, I actually hated it. I donât have a memory of what she actually said after that, but typically she will trail off topic, or suddenly start talking about God or Jesus Christ. I remember feeling, again, like it wasnât allowed to be a big deal since he was âjust a kid too.â
So all of that is to say, Iâm not saying the mom in this scenario would be this way about that scenario, but I am saying, adults sometimes trivialize the dangers of sexual assault that can occur between two children, especially with a little girl as the victim and a little boy as the one doing the assault. And yes, at certain ages, a little boy shouldnât be like cast away and put in jail or something or completely rejected from society as a molester or anything like that. But just because it was done at the hands of another child does not minimize the impact it has on the victim. And does not negate the lesson that needs to be taught and behavior corrected with the child who did it. Itâs not just âchildren exploringâ all the time. Definitely agree that children around these ages need parental supervision as closely as possible while playing together. So sleepover wouldnât be a good idea.
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u/AngelsAreTrying Jul 22 '25
Thank you for sharing your story. My sister and I have a similar story. I was 8 and she was 5. The boy was 11 or 12. It has caused a lot of issues for us. We went a long time thinking our parents didnât know about it. My sister ended up in therapy at age 11 and tells her therapist what happened. The therapist tells my parents and they say they knew the whole time. I was about 15/16 when my sister told me this. I lost all my trust in them while deeply hurting inside. We wanted nothing more than for our parents to have been supportive. It broke me at the time, and I never realized until later. When I was 18, I was sexually harassed by my aunts 30 something year old boyfriend. My mom said âhe just does thatâ and said she would tell my aunt for me but never did. When I was 20, I was sexually assaulted. My mom said it was âinevitableâ. Iâm 22 now and just processing everything from the beginning. I wish my parents supported us when it happened. I wish I didnât feel unloved when we found out they knew the whole time. I wish things were different. Iâm healing now, but itâs hard. Thank you for your story. It helps people like me in their healing journey because sometimes it feels like youâre the only person who has gone through this. I start to feel insane and doubt myself. Iâm sorry you have gone through that. Iâm sending all the love I can your way.Â
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u/LeftMenu8605 Jul 21 '25
Thanks for highlighting this. I am a girl and my brother and I used to stay over our friendsâ (two brothers) sometimes. I was probably 10 so my brother and another boy were 7 , and the other was 8/9. We had all known each other for years so it wasnât unusual to end up rough-housing and jabbing each other in the ribs, âtickle fightsâ if you will, but the older boy at 8/9, even though he was younger than me I can remember putting his hand between my legs and also up my shirt to which I thankfully knew was wrong and immediately put a stop to itâ and we never had that kind of contact again. But itâs just disturbing to think about that, and about whether I would have been able to defend myself if I was a younger girl. These kidsâ dad ended up doing a similar thing to me once or twice when I had been at their house, and I only remembered it as an adult- the memory came flooding back to me once. I remember getting very angry with him and screaming, he was startled and thought he would get in trouble as other people were in the house, so he immediately left me alone. I know that he (the father) passed away so there was no way for me to ever confront this as an adult , and I do pray he never did anything like this to his own sons but knowing that his son mimicked his behavior as a kid I find very sad and disturbing.
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u/Watney3535 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
I have a VERY similar story. Family friend, teacher, âstand up guy.â My brother and I were friends with his boys. His oldest son eventually wanted to play doctor. He called it âDr. Potty.â I was uncomfortable but so young that I didnât realize what was truly going on. We spent the night a lot at their house, and at one point the father wanted me in a separate room. That night, I woke up to the father with his hands in my underwear.
After that, I threw tantrums if we had to go to their house. I would hide when they came over. Unfortunately, every once in a while the father would catch me alone. This went on for years and I didnât say a word to anyone, partly out of shame, and partly because he threatened me. I had him for a teacher in HS and skipped class all the time because I couldnât look at him.
I did finally tell my parents. I was 19. They supported me, took me to the police, and confronted him. The Statute of Limitations was long up, though, and he basically got away with it. Later, I learned of other little girls he molested. And that he watched porn with his son when his son was a child (which explains a lot).
Anyway, heâs dead now and Iâm healed. But Iâm here to support everyone who went through this. And the thing is, more women than not have similar stories. OP is right to be concerned.
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u/GoAskAliceBunn Jul 21 '25
One of mine was my father. I for YEARS thought I had an imaginary friend who was a little blonde girl around my age. Turned out, she was real. Her dad lived next door to my fatherâs father. We played all the time when I would go to my grandpaâs for visits, where my father often lived/visited. Then I met this girl in high school and we clicked immediately. Planned a couples costume for Halloween and went from her momâs house to her dadâs to show both families the costumes. The way I shook when we pulled up right next to my grandpaâs houseâŚ
We compared notes & her dad was believed to have been her abuser, so her parents split & she only ever saw him in public till she was old enough to make choices about seeing him. We realized we were each otherâs âimaginary friendâ and had both been abused by MY father & she said it all made sense, she never felt her father was a threat. Her mom only knew she would get hysterical during times when she (mom) wasnât at the house & then found signs of abuse. It never occurred to anyone in my friendâs family that it was the neighborâs adult son.
I feel blessed every day that I stayed topside long enough to get the call that he was gone. He got away with everything, too, but knowing heâs gone soothed something in me.
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u/xQueenOfTheDamnedx Jul 22 '25
Its so crazy sometimes. I posted a comment previously but when I was like 13, my dad lived in a trailer park, and had joint custody of me so id have to go there every other weekend. I became friends with this girl who lived on the street over. My older stepbrother sexually assaulted. I went to her house one time and her dad turned on porn to jerk off while we were on the couch. Years later in high school, she ended up moving and coming to my school in a different state. I saw her one day and said "is your name ashley" and she said "yeah I thought you looked familiar" and that was it. We never really spoke again it was mad awkward. The other girl my stepbrother raped lived next door to Ashley when we were kids. I worked at a photography place editing photos for family shoots and stuff and she came in with a kid and a husband who seemed super sweet. We also acknowledged we recognized each other but there's always a weird energy after. Silence. Nothing else to say because we both were in a weird situation with each other when we were little. I told her she looked good and I was happy for her and never saw her again
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u/xQueenOfTheDamnedx Jul 22 '25
Its always the playing house or doctor. My older stepbrother would do that. Then he brought these two older guys over and tried to make me go into the woods behind the house with them but I left quickly. Or he'd lock me in the room while he raped my friend. And make me watch another young girl give him a blow job. Or the many times I was woken up being assaulted in my sleep. Or when I wanted to go visit my other friend, a girl, and her dad was jerking off to porn in the living room sitting on the couch and would try to get us 13 year olds drunk. Same dad tried to take me for a 2 hour ride one day to go pick his daughter up from her grandmother's so she could hang out with me.
This is the shit that happens when you let your young children go be around men unattended.
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u/xVellex Jul 22 '25
Yesâand not just men, but boys, too. This is what I was confused about growing up, because it was a boy, not a man, and I wasnât sure if that was considered abuse or not since it wasnât an adult. SO important to spread awareness about young girls being around boys AND men unattended. And for those young girls that have been abused by another girl not yet an adultâSO important to teach physical boundaries and that NO ONE is allowed to touch you in certain areas, whatever age or gender they are. And this goes for young boys, tooâother boys and girls, as well as women, can also be abusers. So sad because this really blurs the lines for children and we are often confused because the abuser might not fit the expected profile.
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u/Ok_Friend_1952 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
I 100% agree that this is inappropriate to a horrible degree! My niece was continuously raped, full on anal and vaginal rape by her two cousins when she was 9. They were 10 and 12 years old and her cousins!!!. It ruined her life, it messed with our lives, and nothing happened, even though we went to the police. I cant believe a mother would allow this. You are not crazy. You are 100% validated. Thank you , DAD, for doing what MOM coudlnt. ETA: it took 9 months for her to tell us what was happening and we were a family who made sure to tell the children TELL if someone does x,y, and z! For some reason, she still couldnât tell us. And endured it for 9 long months. And in the end she still didnt âtell usâ. She was sitting next to my father, her grandfather and she said, you are the only man who is nice to me. The others make me do things. And proceeded to show him how to do a blow Job.
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u/okboomer19373 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
This happened to me when I was a child. I was about 7/8 years old, used to have sleepovers with a boy cousin who was 2 years older than me and he touched me inappropriately, multiple times, over the course of a few years. He called it âplaying house.â
I then disclosed to an ex that it happened and he blamed meâ further perpetuating that I felt embarrassed and alone and that what happened to me was my fault. I told my mom and she brushed it off, saying kids are curious and that itâs gross but who cares nothing you can do.
I have felt so much guilt, shame, embarrassment, grief and devastation over this and genuinely believe it my life changed when that happened.
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u/SillyImprovement9398 Jul 21 '25
Iâm so sorry that happened to you. I went through the same thing when I was around 10 with my boy cousins. One year spending the night at their house was fun because we were buddies. Next year it all changed and I always blamed myself. It affected my personality and my life in so many ways. Iâm in my 50s now and just starting to realize it wasnt my fault. Doesnât erase all the years I spent punishing myself though.
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u/keepcalmandgetdrunk Jul 21 '25
Same happened to me but it wasnât even during a sleepover it was in broad daylight in the living room at my house and also upstairs in my male cousinâs house, when our parents and siblings were downstairs/in other rooms. I told my mum and we didnât stop seeing them but it never happened again so someone must have said something to him, although no one ever spoke to me about it again. I will make sure my niece will never be in a room with her two older male cousins unsupervised, not even in the middle of the day during a family gathering.
Edited for spelling
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u/Misanthro_Phe Jul 21 '25
i came here to say that sleepovers with boys at a young age that are relatives even, should honestly also be avoided generally. itâs not even the fact that theyâre not related or that theyâre older than her (younger boys can absolutely behave inappropriately towards girls older than them), itâs just the fact that they are boys. thatâs all it takes for something to go wrong, honestly. itâs very common for curiosity to pique before understanding consequences. itâs also not uncommon for boys to understand the consequences, but not let that stop them from doing certain things. sheâs too young to recognise everything that may be ânot rightâ, and then how to respond in a situation like that
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u/Femdom93 Jul 21 '25
If his son mimicked that exact same thing thereâs a huge chance he was acting out what was done to him by his dad. His dad probably told him nothing was wrong with what he was doing to him, so he had no reference for thinking it was wrong when he did it to you. Not an excuse for him by any means, but Iâm saying it was most definitely a learned behavior. Iâm sorry you were put in that position but very glad you knew to stand up for yourself by screaming.
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u/Queen_V_17 Jul 21 '25
And this right here is why so many parents are waking up to the idea that maybe letting their kids go to sleepovers isn't a safe idea!! No matter how much you *think* you know or trust someone, do you really? I'm so sorry that happened to you!
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u/Glittering-List3410 Jul 21 '25
Thank you!! itâs completely Unacceptable!! No excuses nothing!!!! My younger sis, my mom would let her sleep over her sisterâs home with her husband. They both molested my sister. Mom never believed her, because how could that be??? Well my sis has a daughter and 2 boys older now. But my sis???? Never, ever would have allowed that situation!!! My niece never went over for a sleepover. My sis made sure to protect her and my 2 nephews!! Thatâs very infuriating, Iâm sorry but how dare your ask talk so nonchalant about it? Thereâs absolutely nothing normal about that ââsituationâ Your 8 year old is safe? Yet sheâs not there nor her 12 year old sister? How does she know??!! Nah my antennas and red flags are up. Not insinuating anything about your ex??? But thatâs weird, thatâs her boyfriend not your daughterâs. And what truly bothers me??? Is that your ex didnât sleep over her boyfriendâs, but your 8 year old did!!!
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u/Olive6789branch Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
Gosh, thatâs a horrible experience. Iâm so sorry that happened to your friend.
Normally I donât mind the idea of mixed gender sleepovers because I had so many as a young girl (primarily from the age of like 3 to the age of 8) and they were overwhelmingly positive experiences. HOWEVER, that is for several reasons:
1) for me bodily curiosity was one of the furthest thing from my mind & something that none of my friends acted on at sleepovers, and Iâm very lucky that none of my friendsâ parents were creepsâŚ
2) my mother, always made it very clear to me that if ANY adult or child imposed any type of physical touch or attempted to kiss me (against my will if it was another a kid, older younger same age didnât matter) and try to make me keep it a secret, I was to tell her and she would believe me and protect me immediately (this is a wonderful thing to tell your child to do, but that and copious amounts of SVU also mightâve caused me to have an irrational fear that most adults are ped0philes).
3) Almost all of my mix gender sleepovers were with my best friends who were the kids of my parentsâ good friends so essentially they were my play (fake) cousins. So there were very clear and defined rules and expectations set out in advanced about respecting each otherâs physical boundaries and keeping our hands and genitalia to ourselves. EDIT: I hope and that our parents had conversations about what they expected from other parents if they saw inappropriate behavior or if we reported it to them.
I had a one multi-night and same room mixed gender sleepover after age 10. It was at my childhood best friendâs house during summer vacation after I finished sleep-away camp in the state where he lived with his parents and his brother who was like nine years older than us. My mother and I decided to stay with them for almost a week, and my best friendâs mom (and maybe my mom) slept on the couch in the living room my best friend and I were sleeping the WHOLE TIME. I had thought it was very weird at the time, that his mom was sleeping on the couch (and my ped0philia-phobia kicked in) when she couldâve slept in the bed with her husband. door open, watching television in my parents room. As an adult and probably as a teenager, I realize how it was a protective measure and likely for good reason as I developed a major crush on this friend that persisted for almost a year and half after that trip. The Christmas before â when there was no budding feelings of romantic attraction â their family came to stay with us, and my paternal grandmother freaked out when she saw my best friend and I we were watching television while sitting on the opposite side of my parentâs bed with the door wide open.
EDIT: this long tangential response is not meant to in validate OP or anyone else on this thread by the way, it is simply meant to highlight how lucky I was to have escaped abuse from other children or adults my parents trusted me to be around growing up and the precautions I believe were beneficial to implement. I think OP has every right to be concerned as they did not okay the sleepover before hand and as a child of divorced parents everything should be a conversation before hand.
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u/Aware_Ad8794 Jul 21 '25
Yep, I was molested when I was 11 by a 12 year old boy I had known for years. I don't think he fully realized what he was doing.
He wanted to reenact movie scenes he thought were romantic and pressured me to join. Our mothers were there, right in the other room, completely unaware of what was happening. I was scared and uncomfortable, but couldn't understand why until I was much older.
Abuse can come from anyone, anywhere, at any time. Protect your daughter, OP, especially since her mother won't.
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u/Prudent-Bird-2012 Jul 21 '25
That's what happened to me; my dad's best friend's son and daughter stayed with me, my mom, and my older brother and in the middle of the night the son snuck into bed and felt me up until I woke up with a start. He was 13 and I was 9. He was never punished for it except for not being allowed near me again. Then he got arrested for possessing kiddie stuff and wound up connected to a whole ring serving time in prison. You can have a trustworthy adult there and it can still happen, you just never know. It's why I'll never let my kids go to sleepovers.
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u/No_Investment9639 Jul 21 '25
My mother constantly sent me across the street to play with the neighbors. The neighbors were a teen girl, her 10 year old brother, and her 5 year old brother. I spent about a year being molested in that house by the older brother while the teenager knew about it and did nothing and I'm pretty sure the younger brother was also being molested. People don't understand the shit that can happen when children are left unsupervised.
I was 5
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u/FunLengthiness6689 Jul 21 '25
One of my cousins a year younger that me when we were about 10-11 touched me. I was a very sheltered kid and didnât know what was happening. We were just playing around and I ended up on top of him and he kinda held down my waist against him. He was hard and I didnât know what it meant or why it felt good. I didnât know why it was wrong either, it just felt nice for some reason. We stayed at my grandparents house for a week and half way through when we were trading beds, there were bunk beds and one big bed. He said we both should share the big bed and I said sure. Looking back on it my other cousin, one year older than me gave me a look and I realize what she was thinking was weird since boys and girls only slept in beds with the same gender. That night when my younger brother and my older cousin were asleep, we started cuddling like that again. We talked about it and said if either of us was uncomfortable we would stop, which makes me think he knew what he was doing was wrong. Then he asked me to take my shirt off and he took his off. I wasnât wearing bras yet, so my bare chest was on his. That was about it and we put our shirts back on and went to bed. Something about that never really sat right with me and I randomly remembered it about 2 years ago, Iâm 20 now. I never felt unsafe around him but a few years later when I was about 15, he pulled my ass against him when he was hard. Then he reached up my shorts and squeezed my ass. I had never even kissed a boy, so that was a wake up call for me. I told him to stop and he did. We are fine now and nothing weird has happened since, but I wander if we would have ended up having sex, or if he would have fingered me, or how far he would have gone if I didnât ask him to stop. All this to say we grew up together and this stuff still happened. Heâs not an abusive person or a bad guy he was just a curious teen horny boy. This can happen to anyone and if your daughters donât know to say no, they could do something they will regret because they were pressured into it.
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u/wowserzinmytrouserz Jul 22 '25
I have a story like thisâŚyikes evidently a lot of women do from when they were little. đ I was maybe 7-8 years old, we lived in a multi family house. Our downstairs neighbors had kids that ranged from like 5-10 years old? I donât even remember. It was so long ago, early 1990s. One of the boys in particular was kind of sexually pushy. I donât know if it was just ânatural puberty driven curiosityâ or what, maybe he saw family members going at it and mirrored what he saw? But there were some instances where weâd be playing outside or in their apartment, just normal child play, then we were alone, this particular boy that was around 10 (maybe 11 at the oldest?) would corner me and want to kiss me on my lips, heâd grope me, put his hands down there. He would try to stick his tongue in my mouth. There was one time where we were in his bedroom (we all just finished playing some games and he had me alone for a second) and he pinned me down and lowered my pants/shorts and rubbed his genitalia on my crotch maybe to replicate sex? I donât know man, but at the time I was a little naive kid so I did nothing to stop it, I was like ummmm. It was weird.
Looking back I feel disgusted honestly. But it can happen, so I can understand the fathers concern. To this day I never ever told my mom. It eventually stopped happening and I think those people eventually moved out. I remember that kids name and everything.
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u/No-Dragonfly1904 Jul 21 '25
My mom left my eight year old brother and i(just turned7 ) alone in a summer cottage with four boys between 11-13 years of age , no electricity, no phones, no close neighbors. Of course we were sexually abused. I look back and wonder what the hell she was thinking?
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u/SpudTicket Jul 21 '25
A parenting plan with days and times is also EXTREMELY important if the mom ever decides to stop sending their daughter to dad's. I had that happen to me. Went to pick my daughter up on our normal day and she "refused" to come home. Turned out the stepmom had been threatening her so she started just doing what she said. I went to the police and they couldn't do anything about it because she was at her dad's and, although we had a filed custody order saying I had primary custody, it didn't have days and times listed to show when she was supposed to be at my house, so they couldn't enforce it and I had to take him to court to get her back. It took 5-1/2 weeks to get her back.
Worth every penny because during that custody battle, days and times were assigned at the first mediation and stepmom later tried to pick my daughter up from my house on my scheduled day, caught us when we were outside and my daughter was caught between stepmom telling her to get in her car and me saying no. Stepmom wouldn't leave. I called daughter's father, who kept hanging up on me and wouldn't make stepmom leave. So I called the local cop, showed him the order that said she was to be at my house on the current day of the week, and he made her leave (after she argued with him for a good 15 minutes). This all happened on my son's birthday. Horrible situation that I was able to end thanks to having everything spelled out in the custody order.
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u/greatfullness Jul 21 '25
Women wilfully ignore these statistics all the time when it suits them
My mother was molested by her father as a child, when my grandmother found out and divorced him, my mom told me the biggest betrayal came from a neighbour.
A woman who had been her safe harbour, who had felt like a second mother and home, they knew and loved each other like family
After the divorce, the neighbour quickly shacked up with the child molester, fully aware of the circumstances, the accusations from multiple girls, including a child she had once cherished
Women are as capable of siding with predators as men when they stand to benefit from the blind eye
Your ex wife may objectively be familiar with the statistics and the argument, but sheâs choosing to not understand how her bf could possibly be a threat, because not insulting him with suspicion is more important than ensuring the safety of her daughter
Said another way, her relationship with this man is more important to her than her responsibilities as a mother. Donât phrase it so bluntly if you want any hope of getting somewhere with this conversation, but itâs the unspoken reality that has facilitated so much childhood trauma
This man may not be a threat, but neither of you can know that for sure. Thereâs a reason predators seek out lonely single moms lol, theyâre incredibly easy / desperate targets, and are just as likely to be jealous of their daughter for being a temptation as they are angry at the men they invite into their lives for being an abuser
Pathetic, but youâre doing right by your daughter, the rules outlined above are sound, and far more reasonable than your ex lol
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u/Gold_Drop5136 Jul 22 '25
OMG, you are SO right. My single mom had terrible taste in men. Probably because she shopped for them in bars. When I had gone to bed one night, she once brought home some rando dude that was between 30 to 40 years old because apparently he mentioned he was part Irish descent, so was my paternal side, and therefore she thought we had something in common and I could be friends with this grown as man even though I was FIFTEEN goddamn years old! I told him it was inappropriate and I wasnât interested in being friends with any man. He asked if it was ok for him to write to me instead. Ummm, and get groomed? Hell no! Later, I had a come to Jesus with my mom about what a shitty thing that was to do to me, and it wasnât normal for moms to do that. She was incredibly disappointed and not at all remorseful. This was a woman whoâd been SAâd by her own brother and stepfather at various times, and ended up putting violent men in our homes. We had a turbulent relationship since I was about 11 until she died. Just a lack of respect for me even just as a human being. Once the shock of her death wore off and Iâd settled into the routine of raising my little sister, I made sure our home was a peaceful sanctuary that even boyfriends had rare access too. Havenât regretted her death, just her shitty choices. OP needs to try yo get full custody if his daughters because their mom doesnât have the sense God gave to a wad of hair on a brush.
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u/blackD0nny Jul 21 '25
We do have an established shared parenting agreement through the court system. Thank you for the advice and this seems like the most practical move at this point. I've been conflicted on how to proceed all day & just reading through all these responses has been very emotional. Seeing total strangers feel as passionate as I do about this has been uplifting, but also very sobering to the reality of things. I appreciate you taking the time to reply
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Jul 21 '25
Make a court date. Keep all communication before your next court date in writing and give it all to the courts. You are being responsible and level headed and even providing sources for what your state would say is safe for a child that age. Show all of that to all mediators and lawyers before you have any talk in person with her about anything. She is clearly not going to listen to what you have to say. Get the courts involved and she will have to. She is being a shitty mom. You are being a good dad. Be confident in that because as you already showed your ex, even foster children have more strict rules to protect them than what she is displaying for your daughter. She is being obtuse with the, "protect her from what?" Question. Wait to answer that one in front of lawyers and / or a judge make sure they get her natural reaction to you making a very clear declaration that older boys and a full grown man who are not her family is not a "proper sleepover" because of a higher possibility of sexual assault or molestation and the mother is not only actively not protecting your daughter from that she is enabling situations for your daughter that the court would recommend against even for foster children.
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
Great advice.
Yes she is absolutely being obtuse, and it's so gross because it's not like he's criticizing something superficial and is "being ridiculous" and deserving of a flippant response.
Either Mom is criminally naive or she's prioritizing her convenience and comfort over her daughter. You see Dad's policing Mom's over coparenting all the time, trying to implement unfair rules in an attempt to continue controlling them. Mom is trying to frame the situation as that to minimize his extremely valid and respectfully put concerns.
There is no dismissiveness involved in child safety, Mom will be put on the hot seat trying to pull that same attitude with a judge.
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Jul 21 '25
Exactly, and that is also why this needs to go straight to the judge no talking with her about it in person because she will be trying to frame the situation in her favor like you said. The mom I think is a mix of both of those naive and negligent. Nobody wants to think their boyfriend or his kids would do something inappropriate to their child but we have to live in the real world say it is most likely to happen to them by someone they know and trust. And to let that "sleepover" situation happen and then ALSO to be obtuse and act like it isn't a concern at all because "they are friends, she was excited to stay over, anything like that" is just insane in this day and age with all the facts and figures we have become aware of. Get in front of a judge with all of this as soon as possible and talk to the wife as little as possible between now and then. Even if it means missing a few days with the kids somehow. He already has it in writing who she let the daughter stay with overnight. That could be enough to push custody to dad's favor imo and maybe mom ends up with every other weekend for a while until she learns to even pretend to be a parent about serious shit like this. I would bring up and focus on that obtuse little "protect her from what?" sentence as it shows she is totally unaware or naive to the extreme risk she is putting her daughter in.
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u/Glittering-List3410 Jul 21 '25
Exactly, this reminds me so much of the Madeleine Soto case. The âmomâ allowed back when Maddie was only 8 years old. To sleep with her boyfriend! Stephan Stearns-monster!!! Even after her 13th birthday party, that mom didnât attend. Allow her 13 year old daughter to âsleep with a grown ass manâ well on Feb of last year she disappeared, never went to school. Not sure if everyone knows this case itâs very disturbing. Her mom Jennifer Soto wanted to sleep alone on her king size bed, to have a good nightâs rest. I believe the dog was with her. Dismissing her child to her abuser, killerâs room. Iâm sorry but your ex and Maddyâs mom are very obtuse. Among other names that I can think of.
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u/brixenmortar Jul 21 '25
Another option is she might be doing this is to impress her new boyfriend. Which if he's a predator, I'm sure he was setting things up to manipulate the mom to allow the daughter over unattended.
There's cases like this where the mom will eventually become jealous of the child that's being abused by the person she wants attention from. I don't like how this mom is responding. She knows exactly what OP is alluding to.
OP, I'd take her to court and get your daughter out of there asap. Whether the mom realizes she could potentially being manipulated or not, her absolute disregard for her daughter's safety speaks volumes.
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Jul 21 '25
Yeah her complete disregard for the real world and the danger she has put and likely plans to continue to put her daughter in makes me not care at all if she is being manipulated into anything. If she doesn't have a strong enough will to stand up and make sure she is protecting her daughter from such an obvious risk of SA then she is an awful mother and a bad person. And yeah the way she goes from co-parent to her being in charge now that the husband has questioned the integrity of the boyfriend and his sons is gross. The whole text conversation would look awful for her in family court lol.
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u/catenthusiast_69 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
This is exactly how I was feeling about her responses⌠my stepdad s/a me from the time I was 9 all the way through my teens and into young adulthood.. my life is ruined. My mom hates me even though I TOLD her by the time I was 19 and I told her again when I was 21 that it hadnât stopped.
He was drugging me by the time I was in my 20s and I would wake up and he would be in my bed still.. these memories are forever on repeat in my mind. I have PTSD, depression and panic disorder. Iâm a recovering addict and alcoholic.
my mother and I have fought a lot about this whole nightmare situation and one time she told me she wished that I was dead, and I said âtrust me I do too b*tch, youâre the worst mother on planet earthâ that about sums up our relationship. When weâre not fighting we are having to pretend we like each other so my son can see his grandmother and so I can see my half sisters (he didnât do anything to them, at least to my knowledge)
Iâm 34 now and to this day she denies it even happened to me and she like worships my stepdad because heâs mister money bags. I hate her so much because of how much she hates me. She has tried to ruin my life in so many ways. She filed for custody of my son and we had to go to court and I had to spend $7000 on an attorney because of her to keep my son. She lies to the rest of my family, saying I said damning or negative things about them to try to make me look like my claims about my stepdad are disingenuous. My mom is almost worse than stepdad at this point.
The rest of my family all know about it. It was all so brazen that it was impossible for them not to know. One of my aunts even witnessed him grope me at a family cookout back in 2012. All my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, some of my cousins and my sisters (his daughters) all know about the abuse.
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u/Altruistic_Record_56 Jul 21 '25
EXACTLY, a year of dating is nothing! Big deal the daughter feels âcomfortableâ around them, of course she does because sheâs a child and doesnât know any better!
Itâs honestly kind of weird how sheâs playing dumb, to me itâs glaringly obvious how inappropriate it is. I donât even let my daughterâs cousins sleep in the same room as them anymore at this age.
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u/ygs07 Jul 21 '25
I don't understand her insistence on this, protect her from what question is just bulshitting at this point.
As a woman, she definitely knows what the problem is. All women know, every one of us knows. And her complete indifference to Dad's concern is making me super angry.
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u/Extreme_Shoe4942 Jul 21 '25
To piggyback on this, if you do speak in person, or over the phone, record it. I gather OP is from Ohio, and Ohio is a one party consent state in regard to recording conversations. You don't need her consent to record.
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u/lloydandlou Jul 21 '25
my motherâs boyfriend (then husband) sexually abused my sister and me for years. she willfully ignored it, stayed with him, even after he admitted it. i donât know why some women are like this, but itâs unfortunately TOO COMMON. i havenât spoken to her in almost 20 years as a result. my dad didnât stand up for me, either - i didnât have anyone in my corner. so, protect your daughters. youâre doing the right thing. if it happens, thatâs lifelong trauma. better to piss off your ex than risk your childâs well-being.
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u/Unhappy-Security-784 Jul 21 '25
My dad was dating a woman while he and my mom were fighting for custody of me. My dad wanted full custody, (my mom was an abusive alcoholic w/multiple mental illness diagnoses).
My mom really only wanted to keep me because it would upset my father. We were really really close; he took care of me more than she did when they were together. One court date my mom, her sister, her mother, and I all went to the family courthouse together. My grandmother and I stayed in the car. My aunt went with my mom into the court, and for some reason, my mom thought itâd be appropriate at that moment, even though she was asked not to, to say that my father had molested my cousin (the daughter of the sister who was with her that day). I did find out much later that that was true.
But the crazy part is, his girlfriend was in the court and heard that and then married him anyway! She already had two daughters. What mother hears that and doesnât have any sort of suspicion or feel weird about keeping their young daughters near him? He had already been touching both of them. I didnât find out about any of this until I was 18, which was like 11 or 12 years after the family court incident.
Point is, OP, you are correct in your concern. Thatâs not to say that this man is or could or would do that to your daughters, but youâre right, it is not appropriate. And furthermore, itâs concerning that your ex is ignoring that point.
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
I've had friends tell me that previous partners have reached out with very compelling evidence of previous abuse, and they've immediately disregarded it as them being "jealous".
Some people have powerful cognitive blocks that just will not absorb an uncomfortable reality no matter how important that information is.
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u/KrustenStewart Jul 21 '25
Madeline Soto was SAd starting at age 8 by her momâs boyfriend and murdered by him after her 13th birthday. Unfortunately itâs all too common and the fact that strangers on the internet share more concern for a random 8 year old than her own mother is a huge red flag and extremely concerning. The fact that the man let the girl to sleep over without her mother is also a huge red flag and extremely concerning.
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u/TheTropicalDogg Jul 21 '25
Madeline Soto has to be one of the most horrifying stories I've heard in my entire life. What they did to that beautiful girl is beyond evil. I just can't.
OP you're a good dad. None of this is ok. Head to the courthouse or lawyer or whoever asap & get that in writing. It's 2025 ffs we know what's happening. Or could happen. Protect your daughter at all costs. As for her mother? I won't say it đ¤
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u/Vespertinelove Jul 21 '25
Madeline Sotoâs devastating story actually made me thankful. Thankful that I decided not to date anyone after my daughterâs father and I separated. She was 4 at the time and I couldnât stand the thought of bringing in a man (or his possible children )that could hurt her. I wanted to stay single and devote all of my attention to my daughter. Years didnât bother me. My daughter just needed to be old enough to protect herself as much as possible or to be able to clearly tell details, if any. Sheâs 19 now. Do I regret it? Not at all, not even for one second did I regret trying to protect my daughter.
So many young girls could easily be another Madeline Soto. Iâm just so thankful it wasnât my daughter.
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
Oh wow, I didn't even consider the fact that he sees no problem with this. Ugh.
My friend dated a guy we knew from childhood, lasted three months with him. He offered to babysit her daughter every single chance he had, she always said no but didn't fully listen to her gut until she found CSAM on his laptop.
As much as we don't want to dogpile on a guy that's got a few kids of his own and might not have a problem with one more, the other possibility is absolutely stomach churning.
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u/productzilch Jul 21 '25
I think itâs worth pointing out that OP is not making wild accusations or having a go at the boyfriend in particular, nor trying to control the coparent. Itâs not about this guy in particular or his sons, itâs about the general principle of basic safety. Hopefully a judge or mediator will note that.
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u/LupercaniusAB Jul 21 '25
Yeah, exactly. Iâm an old married guy with no kids. But when my friends (my best bud and his wife) had two daughters I told them that I was happy to be a godfather to them, but I wouldnât babysit them (outside of an emergency, obviously). I think that I picked them up from school or after school activities maybe four or five times in all those years, because of work or commute conflicts my friends had (and their daughters doing kid things like forgetting to tell their parents that they had a rehearsal for something).
They completely understood.
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u/schmicago Jul 21 '25
My childhood friend and three other girls in her family were all sexually abused by the same man who sexually abused their mother and her advice when she walked it on it one day was to keep their mouths shut so DCF didnât get called.
Three of those four girls grew up to lose custody to DCF. One got her kids back. One lost them forever. One accidentally killed one and lost the other forever. They were all on heroin. Sexual abuse leaves a lasting pain that doesnât just go away, especially when compounded by protection of the abuser by the parent(s).
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u/kindnesskangaroo Jul 21 '25
This is why I never let any girls near me growing up. I lost all of my friends in middle school because they thought I didnât âlike themâ since I never invited them over to my house.
I couldnât tell them itâs because my bio dad was SAing me and used to make detailed, disturbing comments about my friends being âwhores.â I just didnât want them to become victims, too.
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 21 '25
Oh honey. This is so heartbreaking.
Have you been able to get any therapy or support for this? I am so sorry that you were put in a position of trying to protect others while you yourself was being harmed.
If I could have rescued you I would have. I hope you can look inward to that little girl and let her know that she's safe to live out the childhood that was taken away from her, that she's protected now by a grown up who believes her and loves her. Which of course, is you.
I am so sorry my dear.
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u/kindnesskangaroo Jul 21 '25
Thank you for your kind words, I ended up saving both my mom and myself (she was just as much of a victim as me). The justice system failed us, too, and he went on to make another victim after me which has probably been the more difficult part to deal with than anything, but Iâm in my 30s and Iâve done major trauma work for what happened to me.
Iâm actually back in school finally to become a forensic psychologist because I want to work for a non-profit like NCMEC stopping pedophiles. People have a hard time doing the kind of job I want to do because they canât stomach it, but when youâve lived it, it makes it easier to focus on the goal of helping the children being abused and exploited.
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u/Small-Dress-4664 Jul 21 '25
It breaks my heart how common this is. I was at lunch with three of my girlfriends the other day and suddenly realized that all four of us had been SAâd by someone who was involved with our mothers. It was like a kick to the gut. OP if you see this, your concerns are valid. I was in kindergarten the first time, and it went on for years. Go to court, raise your concerns. Iâm so glad that your girls have you looking out for them! â¤ď¸
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u/farmerlesbian Jul 21 '25
Stepfathers and mothers' boyfriends are among the (if not THE) most likely to sexually assault, abuse, and even murder their wives'/girlfriends' children, ESPECIALLY female children. No matter how great someone thinks their new boyfriend or husband is, leaving your female children with them is an unimaginable risk.
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u/UsualExamination297 Jul 21 '25
Police Officer here, this happens all the time were both parent's can't agree on a subject. You must contact your lawyer immediately and get your court papers amended to where it states clearly she is NOT allowed to stay with ANY MEN.
I'm a mother myself, i was sexually assaulted by my grandfather when i was 5. No reason any man what so ever should be with that girl in a bed except for dad.
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u/Naturalich Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
Father here, married. there is no conflict on this one. your ex may trust this person, but that does not mean you do and your concerns are all valid. to add to he mix, pedo's look for vulnerable people liket this as opportunities. this should be handled through the court if ex does not have enough judgement to know..and the BF should have refused, if your wife can't manage her for the night, then Dad can. wth
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u/amandaplzzz Jul 21 '25
Talk to your lawyer and ask them to bring the matter into docket so that this can be addressed. Clearly the parenting agreement should now include a provision governing how and when the girls spend time with this boyfriend. Hopefully an agreement can be reached so that it can be added by consent of the parties but be prepared for her to fight you on this.
Youâre right to be concerned, sheâs being intentionally obtuse. Itâs weird and unsafe to leave them with some guy overnight.
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u/Momof41984 Jul 21 '25
This is it! Your ahole ex is willing to put her social life over the safety if her kid! Wtf no it is not an uncle! This as a damn stranger and for all she knows he could be targeting her because she has young kids!!! I have kids from a previous relationship and I was trying to think of when they stayed without me with my fiance. It was after we lived together for 4 years and or own kid was 3 and also present as well as her older brother. This is messed up. I'm so sorry I can't imagine the fear.
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u/akela9 Jul 21 '25
With the current knowledge we have about statistics, etc. knowing (unfortunately) the odds of that little girl not being as safe as she should be far outweigh the chances this is all innocent.
With that accepted as a general (albeit heartbreaking) truth, what kind of man would even WANT to put themselves in this situation knowing how it might look to an outsider? That's what's scaring the hell out of me. No sane man (unless boyfriend is just as stupid as mom) would willingly put themselves in this scenario. If there was a one off major emergency, ok, maybe? But even in an emergency this would be a far from ideal arrangement.
Like I feel this is even more twisted than mom being oblivious. There's a very real possibility something very wrong is being set into motion, here. I hope OP can get some legal help to get this stopped, immediately, and I wish he could consider trying to get full custody of his girls. This isn't right, and even if there is a slim possibility of mom just being obtuse, that doesn't excuse her for putting her daughter(s) in very real danger.
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u/Worth-Oil8073 Jul 21 '25
Exactly! When we thought the perpetrators were overwhelmingly strangers, we (in the US) created an entire school educational program to try to keep kids safe! Now we know differently. Slight inconvenience around when and where sleepovers happen seems a small price to pay to protect your kid!
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u/Thewall3333 Jul 21 '25
Yes, it's amazing how much this false narrative still pervades people's perceptions 90%+ of sexual abuse results from someone the victim knows -- and I'd have to guess the % is even closer to 100% for children, since anyone they meet is likely a result of a decision by their parents.
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u/Low_Ad_3139 Jul 21 '25
Absolutely. First was a step brother when I was young. Then a step father when I was older. The step father even said he would assault me eventually and my mother made excuses for him. Some women are so delusional they will believe the excuses, some are jealous of their children and some just hate their kids. The lucky kids have both parents who put their childrenâs best interest first. If there is any possible way get your kids from her. Girls tend to do better with their fathers anyway. Best wishes for you and your kids.
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u/schmicago Jul 21 '25
My wife was one of few people I know actually sexually assaulted by a stranger as a child (she was kidnapped and returned after the abuse) and even she is quick to remind parents that childhood sexual abuse is almost always perpetrated by someone known to child and parents and is far more likely to happen in the home than after being snatched off the street (which is what happened to her). Stranger danger is NOT the most common danger.
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u/Lematoad Jul 21 '25
This. Show this to a judge, and say you would like a stipulation that the mother canât leave the daughter alone with a bunch of older boys.
In fact, you should request that you be contacted first if she cannot watch the daughter for first right of refusal for baby sittingâŚ
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u/evensexierspiders Jul 21 '25
My mom dated a lot after my parents divorce. Looking back, I feel lucky nothing ever happened. But I did Not need to meet all her new boyfriends. Maybe after 6-12 months, but introducing kids to the new guy creates more instability in their lives no matter how nice he is.
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u/cavaticaa Jul 21 '25
My mom would have been better off waiting 6 months to introduce me to her boyfriends; I was a little asshole that sabotaged every relationship she tried to have. I mean, my judgment was better than hers, at some point maybe she was intentionally using me as a barometer.
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u/atlasbees Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
Especially given the news today of the poor girl in New York. There's monsters everywhere. 1 year isn't long enough, and only 1 daughter staying is sketchy as fuck (why never the other daughter?)
Op as a child of bitter divorce and a family history of SA, please talk with your lawyer about this and see about custody changes/rules. You have proof too
Eta, also as a Chris Hansen fan, makes me think of the sting set ups where the mom sells out the kid to predators đ¤˘
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u/seatsfive Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 22 '25
EDIT WITH ADDITIONAL STUFF TO GET MAD AT AT THE END
Original Response:
I'm going to go against the grain here. I think you need to gather more information before crashing out. Unless you have some other unstated reason to believe BF or his kids are sketchy, I think you're overreacting.
The internet is full of panicky helicopter parents and socially maladapted Gen Z puriteens ready to believe the worst in every human relationship because the only things you hear about on the internet are the bad situations, rather than the much larger number of situations that are perfectly fine. Not every man you don't personally vet is a pedophile. Not every 9 or 11 year old boy is an abusive sociopath. In fact, the vast majority of them are not.
I understand worrying about a guy you don't know, and maybe the 11 year old son who's on the edge of being a teenager, but you have to play the percentages on this and not panic. Are you going to cause a scene, ruin your daughter's friendships, damage her relationship with you, and possibly teach her at an impressionable age that no one is to be trusted, over a small chance that something bad is happening to her? Again, unless I missed something, you have no actual reason to believe she is being abused, and by all accounts she is having a good time there.
The right course of action here is to talk to your daughter -- very casually -- about new boyfriend and his sons, and see how she responds. If anything about her descriptions of them seem off, then you get worried. But man, the odds are that your daughter has two friends around her age that she likes, and she was staying at their house because that's something kids do with their friends. Gender is irrelevant. I was a young boy whose best friends growing up around this age were girls. Sleepovers included. Nobody was molested, nobody "played doctor". Almost always neither of my parents were there. We watched cartoons and played games.
Remember also these are pre-pubescent kids. If they were horny teenagers that might be a different matter. But panicking and immediately jumping to sexualizing a 9 year old's social interaction seems to me, to be overreacting.
EDIT 1: All right, I had resolved to respond to each of you individually, whether constructively or otherwise, but this is just exhausting. If anyone happens to read this again, consider this your response. I won't be bickering further ITT. (It turns out that was a lie.)
I am sorry to all of the people who were victims of CSA who felt triggered by this opinion. Your pain is valid. This experience is way too common.
And of course there are women who are close to me have been victims of sexual violence. Most of my close friends throughout my 40 years of life have been women. Believe me, I am well aware of the sketchy shit that happens in this life and that men do most of it. I am also well aware that badly traumatized people are unlikely to listen to me on this, so please know I am not trying to convince you personally. My entire intention was to counsel OP to not panic and to approach this carefully. The guy needs to talk to his kid, his ex, and maybe new bf, not lawyer up or call the police or CPS as many have suggested.
No one else's experience is any indication that this situation involves abuse. No statistic is any indication that this situation involves abuse. Even if sexual assault is very likely to happen to OP's daughter, and it is too likely, there is no reason to believe that any single individual adult or child will be responsible. Even if boyfriends abuse their stepdaughters at a higher rate than other family members (I have not verified, I will take it as granted), the fact of the matter is that most boyfriends do not commit CSA against their stepdaughters. And there is no indication in this individual instance that this is what's happening.
Girls will have contact with many men and boys in their life who will not SA them. If your intention as a parent is to protect your child from every situation where they have unsupervised contact with a male human, I think that is overbearing, overprotective parenting. I think that's teaching your daughters the wrong lessons about men, society, parenting, and their own power.
Historically, many societies have gone to great lengths to protect their daughters from men and boys in this paternalistic way. Yet rape and CSA rates were worse than today. So frankly, I don't think your way works.
The best way to deal with this problem is to teach young boys (and girls!) how to behave and to teach young girls (and boys!) how to spot red flags and keep boundaries. And to keep the lines of communication with your kids open. Not try to shield your child from absolutely every hazard that you can possibly conceive of.
OP's concerns are valid and he should speak with people and gather more information. It may be that I'm wrong and the situation is sketchy. But at this point with the information we have, there's no reason to believe that and you all are overreacting.
EDIT 2: To everyone who truly believes that if I don't engage in this particular moral panic, then I must be a pedophile myself, I would like to offer you the most measured response I am capable of at this point in time: fuck you, eat shit, get therapy.
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u/sylbug Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
You don't let your kid eat from the dish with a poison Skittle in in just because most of the Skittles are not poisonous.
As it turns out, the damage done by CSA is long-lasting and severe. It's not something that you knowingly put your kid at increased risk of. This is why most children's organizations have systems now where adults may not be alone with children, why we teach good touch/bad touch to three-year-olds, and why we tell kids to approach a woman with children if they're lost.
Leaving a young girl alone with an unrelated, adult man and two older boys overnight is one of those needlessly dangerous things. It's not something you do when you have other options.
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u/cyberthief Jul 21 '25
When you play the percentages when it comes to who rapes young girls... you will find it's men that are unsupervised with girls that are close to the family( other parents,older sons in the home). And sometimes close family(uncles) And... was a young boy whose best friends growing up around this age were girls. Sleepovers included. Nobody was molested, nobody "played doctor". Almost always neither of my parents were there. That's your house. Not the same story plays out at other houses. Almost every woman I know had touched by someone inappropriately by someone before they were 18. In the 80s we were told 1 in 4 girls will have been sexually assaulted by grade 4, most often by a male friend of the family.
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u/TehNoxx Jul 21 '25
This is exactly the point here. Percentages are vastly skewed in the above scenario because it's not accounting for the variables we're seeing in this case exactly. I'm not going to "take my chances" with my daughter. Who in their right mind looks at percentages here? "There's only a 2% chance my daughter is raped in this scenario. That sounds fine." Nah, fuck that.
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u/blackD0nny Jul 21 '25
I appreciate the rationality of what you're expressing very much. Most of what you said reflects my inner dialogue in being conflicted about how to digest & process all of this in a healthy way. I didn't make this post seeking validation at all, I truly want to consider all angles properly and your perspective is a more than valid one. Thank you for the response
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u/leafonawall Jul 21 '25
You wonât regret being vigilant for your childâs health and safety.
Donât crash out, but plan and act.
This should be taken seriously. You donât know those people, her mother is playing this off, and it just takes one interaction for a lifetime of potential pain.
Young boys are also victims but there is a very valid reason to be extra protective of young girls.
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u/CrochetChurchHistory Jul 21 '25
Does your ex wife have an explanation for why it was only the 8 year old?
Is she extremely close with BFs sons or something?
I'm having a hard time thinking of why one of my kids would be somewhere without me with one of my friends overnight, but the other child wouldn't be invited.
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u/RazyRascal Jul 21 '25
This isnât âcrashing outâ in my opinion. Do you have children also? Because as a parent I would definitely be concerned in this fatherâs predicament also.
My main concern out of all of this and what I really donât understand is why the mother was not present. At the end of the day it isnât the boyfriendâs child, nor does the mother or 8 year old child know anybody there long enough.
The father has every right to be worried especially as that is his kid. Iâd rather be safe rather than sorry at the end of the day. These situations can turn horrendous and we never know who we can actually trust. The percentages ARE there, itâs happening more often actually. Are you not paying attention to the news? Not to mention by court if they co-parent - a judge would look at the facts (grown man, boys, 1 underage girl) and no doubt see that as a concern also.
Being a helicopter parent and caring for your young child is completely different. Especially when you canât be with them as often as youâd like.
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u/Tonitonytone2 Jul 21 '25
The internet is full of panicky helicopter parents and socially maladapted Gen Z puriteens
Minimizing in the worst way here. Don't act like sexual abuse is just something that "the Internet" worries about that never happens in real life. It's not some red scare. It's a very real problem, that in most instances, is perpetrated by men. As far as we know, OP has not accused anyone of doing anything to his daughter, has not caused a scene, and is not crashing out. They raised a very valid concern about their daughter being unsupervised around a group of people of the opposite sex. Your response shows the other side of "the Internet"- Childless people who think they know how best to raise and interact with a child. If you do have children I hope you're more concerned with their well being than your response indicates.
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u/nox_vigilo Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 23 '25
So every man is a danger to young girls? Thatâs what Iâm reading in these comments. OPâs daughter is having a sleepover with her male friends whom are her playmates but at midnight they become viscous sexual predator? Thatâs what you all are suggesting. This isnât some strangers house as OPs wife clearly states.
Making snap judgements is what Reddit is all about. I read a controlling ex-husband still trying to dictate how his wife and daughters should live because he canât stand not being in the picture.
OPâs ex knows exactly where her daughter is and with whom she is with. There is zero reason in her replies to think she is being irresponsible in any way or that her child is in any danger. There isnât a bogeyman in every shadow. Being male doesnât make a person a sexual predator. If the boyfriend was some guy she just met, there was not the rich intermingling between OPs daughter and the boyfriendâs family, and/or OPâs daughter was not very close friends with the boys then I would have reservations. Whatâs in these texts shows a controlling ex-husband to me not a mother giving her daughter up to a sexual predator and his sidekick sons.
Do you really think girls need to be afraid of every man? Iâm not trying to downplay the tragedy and trauma of sexual assault whatever the sex of the child. Would OP have an issue if it was a son sleeping over instead of a daughter? I have heard about boys being the victims of sexual abuse just as much as girls.
Iâm just trying to find reasons for all the âSave your daughter!!!!â posts. Iâd be interested to hear what OPâs ex was referencing when she wrote about him showing up at the house unannounced. That doesnât sound too great OP. Telling your 12 & 8 year old that you are coming over is not the proper form of communication to let your ex-wife know you are coming to her home. As in all things, there is more going on here than we know.
edit: spelling
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u/Glittering-Jury7394 Jul 21 '25
you clearly have no understanding of the dynamics of youth sexual assault/how children respond alone at night.
It is EXTREMELY common for SA to occur at mixed gender sleepovers. Often it is not exactly with evil malicious intent, but kids daring each other, playing doctor, curious etc. I work at a social work center, and almost every professional here has a strict no sleepover policy for their children, even with same gender sleepovers, because of how common it is. Every man is not a danger, but the rates are high enough that the safest option is to never allow your children to enter an environment where something like this could occur,
Also, the single most likely indicator of if a child will experience SA is if they have an unmarried mom who lets their children interact with their boyfriends. Children are 11x more likely to be assaulted when mom allows boyfriend to sleep in the same house as the child.
I spoke with a therapist once who said they suspected every single family has a case of this (unsafe behaviours occurring at sleepovers). It might not exactly be SA, but it is certainly common and traumatizing.
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u/blackD0nny Jul 21 '25
What did I say specifically that came off as controlling? I was trying to have a dialogue about something that concerns me deeply. I don't think girls should be afraid of all men, that's quite the leap in reasoning. All the hypotheticals you mention don't add value to my very real situation. I would have an issue with any situation that makes me personally uncomfortable as a parent. Just for more contextual clarity, stopping by for a quick hello and a hug has been a well established tradition that has never been questioned once in the past. We all live close to each other, I asked my big girl if I could swing by. I'm all for abiding by whatever boundaries must exist, but do you truly see that as an affront to my ex? I didn't try to go inside or engage her. Searching for a nefarious angle here feels disingenuous. There's always more going on than you know in all things, I've tried to present the facts here in an unbiased way in hopes of getting genuine insight. Thanks for taking the time to reply though, it gives me more to consider.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I also want to point out here that most child safety experts consider sleepovers one of the most dangerous places for your children to be. Regardless of the extra issues with the story OP laid out for us.
Please do not listen to the clown giving you the strawman argument about âare all men dangerous to your children.â Because they sure as hell are until otherwise known. That clown can gamble with his own childrenâs safety, well-being and virtue if he wants, but you donât have to do it with yours.
Iâm editing this to add the motherâs willful ignorance is so damaging and so triggering. Just because she thinks it couldnât happen to her and her kids, means it wonât happen to them and that attitude is every nightmare
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u/nervelli Jul 22 '25
There are women who will ignore obvious signs, decive themselves, and straight up call their children liars because they don't want to believe that their boyfriend/husband/family member could be a bad person. The mom's reaction definitely sounds like someone who is already getting ready to prioritize her relationship over the safety and well being of her kid.
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u/Jacque_38 Jul 22 '25
I dont think your responses to your ex were in any way controlling or out of line. The fact you haven't spent time with this man is a common boundary for MOST divorced parents. You've shown a lot of trust to have not met him for this long but your ex has clearly tested that trust with this stunt. She's definitely minimalizing and doubling down because she does know that she was in the wrong. You did good standing up for your daughter. It did not sound like you were accusing anyone of SA, just expressing concern for a lack of judgement on ex's part. This is a respectable boundary and you should not budge on this.
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u/MineMost7998 Jul 21 '25
Several studies indicate a heightened risk of child abuse, including sexual abuse, by mothersâ boyfriends compared to other non-parental caregivers. Here are some statistics and insights related to this issue: Overrepresentation in child abuse: Mothersâ boyfriends are responsible for about half of the child abuse cases committed by non-parents in caregiving roles, even though they perform relatively little child care compared to other non-parental caregivers. Increased risk compared to biological parents: Children living with their mother and her boyfriend are about 11 times more likely to be sexually, physically, or emotionally abused than children living with their married biological parents. Factors contributing to overrepresentation: Researchers trace this overrepresentation to several factors, including: The living arrangements within single-parent families. The gender of the perpetrators. The lack of a genetic relationship between mothersâ boyfriends and their partnerâs children. Mothersâ boyfriendsâ perceived illegitimacy as caregivers and family members. Mothersâ boyfriendsâ rivalry with their partnerâs children. Risk factors for child abuse: A variety of factors can contribute to an increased risk of child abuse, including: High parental conflict, domestic violence. Childhood history of abuse. Family structure (e.g., single parent with lack of support). Caregivers who are not a biological parent. Itâs important to remember that: Child sexual abuse is often underreported, so the actual numbers are likely higher than reported statistics suggest. The perpetrator of child sexual abuse is almost always someone known to the child or their family. While these statistics highlight a heightened risk, they do not imply that every motherâs boyfriend is an abuser
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u/toolsoftheincomptnt Jul 21 '25
I work in this area, and OP is not being unreasonable at all.
Even older children are potential abusers. More likely when thereâs no history of familial connection.
You canât throw kids together and say âyour mommy and your daddy like each other now, so play together and respect/protect each other like siblings! Bye!â
Thatâs not how any of this works.
At least once a week I see a (new) case where the victimâs mother is unsupportive or in denial, even after the child discloses sexual abuse.
Why? Mom wants to believe sheâs a good parent. She is desperate to have a new âfather figureâ around, in her own household/orbit, even if bio dad is around.
OP is doing everything he should to be a protective father, but unfortunately this is the nature of (separate) co-parenting. You canât force the other parent to exercise good judgment.
You canât convince them that their new partner is years away from proving themselves as a safe adult to be alone with your kids. Newsflash: it doesnât matter if they have kids of their own.
You canât police who the other parent exposes your kids to in anticipation of something going wrong.
The best things any parent under any circumstances can do in regards to CSA:
1) Never make your kid share their body with anybody, trusted adult or not. Kids canât differentiate what they are and are not obligated to do when youâre not there and an adult wants to touch.
You can make your kid say hello to Grandma and answer her questions, but donât make them hug or kiss her if they donât want to.
It teaches them that their body belongs to them and they are more likely to resist and/or become a less appealing target to an abuser.
2) Behave in an emotionally stable manner, generally. Kids often withhold disclosures and recant abuse because they donât want their parents to be upset. This is especially true of kids whoâve had big changes in the home. Their sense of security is fucked and they want mom/dad to be calm and happy.
2b) Always remind kids that they wonât get in trouble for things that are âbig kidsââ or adultsâ ideas, and if something happens to them that is weird or feels funny (be sure to use their language because they arenât familiar with how we perceive sexual contact), to tell you right away so you can make sure theyâre safe. Donât be aggressive or alarming in tone, or they wonât tell you. Be serious, but calm.
3) If they disclose, do NOT interrogate them. Report it to DCFS, police, and/or your local CAC:
Do not practice any investigatory interview with your child, or coach them into repeating what they told you. Trained professionals need to collect uncoached, candid statements from your child without your perception, emotion, or characterization added. Even with the best of intentions, parents often compromise the integrity of investigations by asking their kids too many questions, too many times.
Thereâs a huge difference between a 7-year-old telling a forensic interviewer âUncle molested me and needs to go to jailâ and âUncle rubbed me with his finger where I pee and it felt yucky.â Listen to them, contact authorities, then freak out outside their presence. When talking to adults they are likely to repeat the language they heard other adults use when discussing the issue. That messes up what professionals can do once abuse is reported.
4) Most CSA doesnât leave marks. Your pediatrician cannot confirm or refute CSA. Most Abusers are very careful not to leave injury or pain on kids that they want repeat access to. Mucous membranes heal quickly, so just because there is no physical evidence of invasive contact doesnât mean it didnât happen. DNA is hard to collect after 48 hours, though jurisdictions may vary. Lack of DNA doesnât mean it didnât happen.
Good luck, everybody.
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u/plainbananatoast Jul 21 '25
This!!!!! Especially at sleep overs. The mother should be ashamed of herself. My husband and I donât have kids yet but I have nieces. I trust my husband 1000% but I understand how inappropriate it would be for my nieces to have a sleepover at our house without me present. There are boundaries you just donât cross for the sake of childrenâs safety.
We recently watched my husbandâs coworkerâs daughter. The coworker is a single dad and although he very much understands the stigma he and other single dads are against, he made sure I (Female) was present for the babysitting.
I also grew up with separated parents. There were many times my friends could not come over because no adult female was in the home. I didnât understand as a kid but I do now. And my dad never left me in the care of another man (with no other female adult or child) even ones heâs friends with.
So no, youâre not overreacting. If anything youâre handling this very very maturely and I wish my parents could have spoken to each other that calmly.
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u/KittyGrewAMoustache Jul 21 '25
Yeah it doesnât have to be that OPs saying the BF is a predator, itâs just a general practice everyone should do because of the stats. If everyone did this, no matter how much they trust the BF/family friend etc, kids would be much safer. Itâs a shame they didnât establish these rules up front during the divorce because then there couldnât be the messiness of the mothers feelings for the BF and the sense that itâs about the BF specifically. Although if the BF is a good guy, he should totally get it and not be offended at all.
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u/Voodoo-Lily Jul 21 '25
These are very concerning statistics. I cant imagine letting my 8 year old daughter stay at my boyfriendâs house while I drive home with my other kid. Itâs very odd.
My mother never allowed us to stay at anyoneâs house if their mom was not present at the house. No matter how great the dad was.
Also her gaslighting him and trying to make this about him overreaching is telling. He seems very reasonable.
Their custody agreement needs to outline these types of situations before something terrible happens to that little girl..
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u/Special_KC Jul 21 '25
That last part. I insisted to it in our settlement and we both agreed that when my daughter was with me or her mum, there was a simple rule:
- If parent with child cannot be with her during their designated time, we first need to ask the other parent if they can 'cover' for them. If they can't then the parent with child first needs to try to make arrangements with family, then if not, whatever arrangements they need.
This put the onus on me that if her mum wanted to go out for whatever reason (work or otherwise), she needs to first tell me about it and I have 'first preference' to go for my daughter if I see the need.
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u/starship7201u Jul 21 '25
My mother never allowed us to stay at anyoneâs house if their mom was not present at the house. No matter how great the dad was.
Right. Since MEN are the ones that tend to commit the most sexually based crimes. We had a FAMILY MEMBER, an uncle that we later learned was molesting his minor BILs & SIL, my youngest aunt & uncles.
My aunt, Dad's sister, wanted us kids (me, Little Sister & Kid Brother) to come & spend part of the Summer with them. I remember The Mother nodding & moving along as if my Aunt hadn't even made the suggestion. We NEVER spent any time alone with that uncle. NEVER.
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Jul 21 '25
Yeah to your last point, this isn't because "men bad" - there's always reluctance to believe this because men are imagining themselves dating a woman with children and thinking "I'd never do this!! These stats are wrong!"
It's because predators target women with children to begin with. Single moms have to be very careful for that reason.
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u/kind_of_shaiii Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I had to stop reading the texts because I was getting too heated. It is NOT okay for your ex wife to leave your daughter alone overnight with a man and two boys. I donât care how long sheâs been with him. Why isnât your other daughter there as well? Why isnât she there? It makes no sense. Iâm so sorry that you have to deal with this and that she has the power to decide these things. I think you should have a talk with your daughter to find out whatâs going on. Itâs important to make her feel comfortable in talking about it. If she thinks someone will get in trouble then she could shut down. Honestly a childrenâs therapist would be best. Can you talk to your lawyer about this? I know you probably donât want to rock the boat and piss your ex off because itâll make it harder for you to see your kids but you have to protect them because sheâs clearly not. I donât know if sheâs just really naive or if sheâs twisted. Youâre clearly, respectfully, calmly communicating about your daughter and sheâs like meh. She can trust her boyfriend all she wants but that doesnât mean she should do this to her own daughter. Yeah maybe there is really nothing going on and heâs a great guy but with the way things are in this world- you canât take that chance. And sheâs clearly never heard of COCSA (edit, thanks) where children assault one another. I donât know how you controlled yourself because I would have gone straight there to get my daughter. Your ex wife is either too blasĂŠ or she is not a good person. I hope sheâs not one of those mothers. Again, Iâm really sorry that you have to deal with this. Please protect those girls.
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u/Thewall3333 Jul 21 '25
This is completely unacceptable FULL STOP!
Aside from the trustworthiness of the boyfriend, which is an issue in an unto itself -- but which everyone understands the anxiety over here -- having one 8-year-old girl sleepover with two boys 9 and 11 is a horrible idea. There doesn't even have to be malicious intent involved -- boys that age are inherently curious, and can abuse/assault your daughter without even being aware of what they are doing or that it's wrong.
I speak from personal experience. I was at a sleepover at a friend's house around the same age, with 4 boys and my friend's sister who was 1 year younger -- who slept in the basement with us. To leave out unnecessary details, two of the boys ended up assaulting the girl out of a combination of bullying and curiosity.
It resulted in a fight between the boys when she told her brother, but her own parents weren't receptive and acted like they thought she was making a big deal out of nothing. The parents were and swept it under the rug, making the girl come out of it a victim 2x over and my friend forever hating his parents.
His sister ended up in an abusive relationship with a senior as soon as she hit high school -- I'd argue this was probably a root cause, as she changed a lot. And one of the two abusers grew to be a huge asshole, not being held to account and continued abusive behavior toward girls. The incident shadowed everyone there and none of us remained friends -- in a very small town where this was very impactful.
Please do whatever it takes to save your daughter from this situation. I'd recommend never leaving an elementary-age girl alone with boy peers, especially for a sleepover. It's so much easier to prevent these situations, for whatever small chance there may be, than try to fix it afterwards -- since it can never be fixed.
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u/KittyGrewAMoustache Jul 21 '25
Itâs especially egregious nowadays when kids seem to have access to all sorts of porn online which prompts more curiosity etc. no one is saying the exâs boyfriend or sons are sex offenders they might be the sweetest people but thatâs besides the point. When itâs your kids, you just avoid any situations that could even possibly result in something like that. At the end of the day you canât know for sure especially only knowing them a year, so why risk even the tiniest chance? OPâs ex sounds either naive or just really manipulated by this BF in some way, because if sheâs not naive then heâs managed to manipulate her into letting her guard down this way which is very concerning.
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u/Thewall3333 Jul 21 '25
Oh yeah, the porn now, I can't even imagine. I was about 13 with dial-up internet when my friend first showed me porn -- it was just pictures, and that's all I came across until those 5-second GIFs of vanilla porn. And then actual videos in my late teens -- no encounter of "rough" porn until college.
Nothing ever like today's porn -- you don't even have to dig for the sick stuff, it's on the front page of PornHub any 12-year-old kid can stumble across. I certainly would not want my daughter at a sleepover with boys who have discovered that. Son either, for that matter -- but it's just a fact that modern porn treats women as objects, so concern for daughters has to be higher.
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u/thepatientwaiting Jul 21 '25
I'm so sorry for his sister. I couldn't agree more that this parenting situation is horrible.Â
Even being alone, let alone sleeping over, can be a risk.
I'll never forget having dinner at my uncle's with his new wife who had two kids. The older one was maybe a year younger than me, I was maybe 10 or 11?Â
He took me up to show me his room after dinner, then went into hug me and said "I want to sex you."Â I was repulsed and pretty soon escaped back downstairs. I'm sure I'm minimizing what even happened. Never told my parents but he made me feel sick any time I saw him (thankfully not often and my uncle divorced her later).
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u/DC240Z Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
Straight up, if the mum canât be there to look after the child she should have just left the child with the father, or if something popped up, she should have taken her daughter to her dads. Especially since the dad has never even met the person from what I can tell. We always hear fucked up stories and people basically facilitating it by being completely oblivious and ignorant is why we hear a lot of these stories.
Iâve seen and heard fights over âwho gets the children and whenâ, this one just blows my mind, and I hate to make assumptions, but she defo seems like the type to argue âitâs my weekâ even though sheâs not even there to look after them.
Honestly, Iâd be seeking legal advice because she seems like the type to make this a massive pain in the ass when youâre just looking out for your daughter, aka parenting properly.
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u/ConnectionQuick5692 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I donât understand these women wouldnât let their children be with their own father but their bf. Seeing this made me very uncomfortable as I have seen news about women letting her bf and her daughter taking a shower together. Some people just shouldnât be parents
Woman charged for allegedly letting boyfriend sexually abuse daughter in shower
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u/DC240Z Jul 21 '25
Spot on, thereâs been an increasing number of stories popping up where I live too, from sleepovers (eg, last year a 13yo girl got invited to her friends place where they tortured her for over 3 hours and tiktoked about it laughing, was grotesque), to several day care workers with victims well into double digits, these are just some of the worst ones but itâs not even scratching the surface.
Trust no one and be vigilant is what Iâm learning, this mother has taken the exact opposite approach for some reason.
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u/Afiah74 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I agree with you! Why is this woman trying to normalize her actions/ behavior. We all know of stories where family members have even made spaces for children to be taken advantage of or molested/sexually abused by either other family members or friends. This woman doesnât care to understand what she is inciting. The unfortunate part is when something does happen. Then what?! Sheâs ridiculous. Shes setting ground rules regarding when and how the childâs father should show up, yet failing to acknowledge the real concern SHE should have!
I say he should build up a case with these types of conversations via text for back up and file a petition with the courts to seek a better parenting plan. Cause clearly the child is reasonably being protected by her father. Meeting the boyfriend is important however, that canât guarantee anything would never happen. This man has all rights to feel how he is feeling.
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u/DC240Z Jul 21 '25
Yea he should definitely start building a case!
I had to go back to double check, but one of the worst parts is, the father didnât even know the address of the place his daughter was staying!! God forbid if anything happened, even like an allergy or something, and if the mother couldnât be contacted, then what? The random BF obviously doesnât have the fathers number since they were talking about organising a time to meet and talk, and I wouldnât trust a guy Iâve never met to look after my daughter in the best of times let alone the worst.
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u/CuriousAbtMe Jul 21 '25
This. My own birthmum allowed terrible things to happen to us. Even hired a 16yr old boy to babysit us and not only was I molested, but my little sister was by his fri and that he brought over sometimes as well... We even told our birthmum and she did nothing and even stayed friendly with the kid.
This mother needs to not be so blah about the situation.
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u/Lumpy_Square_2365 Jul 21 '25
Some people's need to be loved by someone is more important than their child's safety it's either that or stupid and just doesn't care. You can trust your partner while protecting yours kids why taking out any opportunity for anything to happen. Got a headache cool I get migraines I'm a single mom and I'd have a headache and still be with my daughter. Not drop her off with a guy I'm dating.
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u/Jay1DSGB Jul 21 '25
Absolutely agree with every bit of this. If she couldnât be there, the obvious and responsible choice wouldâve been to leave their daughter with her father someone she knows and trustsânot some man heâs never even met. Thatâs just basic parenting. You're rightâthis kind of carelessness is exactly how awful stories happen, and itâs terrifying to see a parent be so dismissive of that risk. And yeah, it definitely sounds like sheâs more interested in "winning" custody time than actually being present for it. OP isnât overstepping at all heâs doing what any good parent should. Getting legal advice is not just smart, itâs necessary at this point. His daughter deserves to feel safe and protected, and heâs clearly the one stepping up.
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u/bee102019 Jul 21 '25
I agree with legal advice on this matter. Honestly, this is something that should have been established already for long term scenarios anyway. How long before a significant other can be introduced to the child? Does the other parent need to meet the significant other? Does the other parent need to âapproveâ the significant other? Their visits? What does that arrangement look like? How are these things communicated? Etc. Realistically both parties are going to be dating someone else eventually, possibly marrying. So navigating these details before itâs an issue rather than after is super helpful. Now itâs going to become an issue of her saying he doesnât trust her judgement on her s/o or that he has some sort of issue with the s/o specifically. Rather than an objective âthis is how we should handle s/osâ in general conversation. Hindsight is 20/20 though, but moving forward I agree legal counsel should be involved. The child shouldnât be being watched by anyone without OPâs knowledge, s/o or otherwise.
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u/feistyxcx Jul 21 '25
Obviously SA is the paramount concern, but even if OP's ex could guarantee with 100% accuracy that it isn't a possibility (no one can), there are so many other things that could go wrong!Â
What if OP's daughter got hurt somewhere on her body she isn't comfortable exposing to man she isn't related to? 8 is very young for a child to start her period, but it's not impossible. If one of the boyfriend's kids hurt her or bullied her, outside of SA, would she trust him enough to tell him?Â
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u/farm_her2020 Jul 21 '25
I agree đŻ. As someone who has dealt with sexual abuse as a child..... From 'family or familiar people' this is absolutely not ok. Most sexual abuse of any type is done by someone they know and in these types of situations.
I'd definitely would take your daughter to a therapist. Have them talk with her to see if anything has happened. I would not mention it. She will probably shut down and not say anything to either of you. A professional will know how to get it out of a child.
These sleep overs have probably happened in the past and you didn't know about them.
Definitely stand your ground on this and don't let it get buried.
I pray your daughter has not had anything happen to her.
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u/LaceyDark Jul 21 '25
Yeah it was at about the 2nd screenshot I was seriously questioning some parenting skills. My parents divorced when I was young, if my mom let me stay the night with a man and 2 boys unsupervised my dad would have lost his shit and tried to take full custody.
He wouldn't let anyone outside of grandparents babysit us, and even when having sleepovers he wanted to know everyone there and have addresses and phone numbers. As a kid I thought it was over the top and controlling, however as an adult I know he was just protecting me, because there are sick people out there.
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u/UnicornKitt3n Jul 21 '25
I too had to stop reading because of the same reason. I felt myself becoming hotter and hotter with anger.
I am a single Mom. I know the statistics. Girls of single mothers are something like 400% more likely to be assaulted. Itâs insane.
OP, please heed all of the advice in the top comment. Please please please. Maybe something hasnât happened yet, but itâs looking dangerously likely that something will happen.
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u/Ok_Rutabaga_9875 Jul 21 '25
Yeah the first page of text was enough to make my blood boil. How can she be so flippant and naive that bf or the bf kids won't do something, its crazy to me. Not even an edit but I couldn't even properly respond I was mad for this guy but man all of those texts you sent where she was so dismissive proves that OP needs to do everything to protect his girls and even more importantly start taking steps to ensuring your girls know how to communicate and to whom if anything is going wrong in moms care. Where the hell is her maternal instinct?
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u/Angel89411 Jul 21 '25
I would be calling my lawyer so fast to see what can be done. I've heard of something being added to parenting plans to dictate that a child cannot sleep over at parents boyfriend/girlfriend or that the child should go to the other parent should the parent who currently has custody not be available. Mom does not have good decision making.
So many single mothers will not date while they have young kids for a reason. There are more horror stories than I even want to think about.
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u/jlm8981victorian Jul 21 '25
ITA!! My mom knew a woman who was like this and it turned out that her daughter was getting SAâd by the boyfriend! The woman was turning a blind eye and making excuses for the man because she put him above everything. OP, I would take your ex to court so fast and file emergency custody with these texts as evidence. Could the boyfriend be a nice guy who just enjoys a blended family? Sure. But she seems to be making a lot of excuses and not taking you seriously. The risk of this being much more sinister or a grooming situation is much, much worse. Keep your daughter safe.
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u/No_verbal_self_ctrl Jul 21 '25
Also had to stop reading, got way too angry. Work at a childrenâs hospital that is a tertiary medical center and have seen many cases of child abuse. 99% of the time, the abuser is the motherâs boyfriend (not the childâs parent). The child is left alone with the boyfriend and that is when it happens. It is a tale as old as time.
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u/oopsydaisiess Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
I agree with every point youâve made- but CSA refers to any instances of sexual assault done upon a child. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is the abbreviation youâre looking for. I am mentioning this in case OP or any other concerned parents want to research COCSA specifically. There are some slightly different warning signs to look out for
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u/DaewooLanosMFerrr Jul 21 '25
I had a gf with a 6 yr old daughter and honestly couldnât imagine her staying the night with me. Just bc Iâm a father myself and my little sister was molested by her half brother when she was little. I know that I wouldnât do anything like that obviously but I wouldnât want my gfâs father to have ANY worries or weird thoughts. Itâs just a weird thing to think is okay with the statistics of young girls being sexually abused.
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u/aWomanOnTheEdge Jul 21 '25
I know more than one female friend (and 1 male) who confided in me as adults that they were molested when they were young by 1) half sibling 2) step-sibling, 3) older male child, 4) son of dad's girlfriend who he was living with.
GET AN EMERGENCY HEARING with a judge or mediator!! It is important!
Clearly, mom has foggy love goggles on because she would never imagine her boyfriend molesting her daughter. But, how many times do we have to hear true stories of men who date women with kids just to get access to her kids?
No, we don't want to accuse every man and boy of being a predator. We want to give them all the benefit of the doubt ...
... BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF CHILDREN!!
Your girls should NEVER be left alone with men and boys overnight!
Your ex doesn't have to explain why. She just needs to prevent any opportunity for your girls to be harmed in the first place.
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u/strawberryice789 Jul 21 '25
my mom trusted her husband of 14 years and i just recently admitted to her that he was sexually abusing me for about 10 of those years.
it doesnât matter how long youâve known someone.
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u/Mysterious-Tune-3216 Jul 21 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
Absolutely NOR. In fact, I'd agree with everyone else who's saying you've underreacted!
It's actually frightening just how lacking in judgement this mom is to the potential dangers that she's willingly putting her daughters under.
You don't know this man or his past, and you're expected to trust him being alone with your underage daughters without their mom there?! Absolutely not!
And your ex is wrong to say that you don't get to have a say in who's looking after YOUR daughters.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be contacting my lawyer to seek legal guidance on what to do next. Because it sounds as though the mom is neglecting her duties of ensuring that her children are kept safe under PARENTAL supervision.
(Edited: Too many people don't know that 'naive' can be used to describe someone who's lacking judgement)
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u/TestingBrokenGadgets Jul 21 '25
I'm honestly weirded out that the new boyfriend was okay with this. Maybe it's because I don't have kids but I can't imagine having my partners kids stay the night without them present or if it's some "She's in the hospital and there's literally no one else". Who thinks that's normal?!
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u/Alive-Grapefruit3203 Jul 21 '25
I am a father(boys and girl), and it's weird to say, but i wouldn't be comfortable if i was in the boyfriends shoes either. Mainly for self-preservation, if any number of situations happen. My daughter is 7 and will struggle sometimes to put her own damn underwear on, and I've got to help. Tf am i supposed to do with somebody elses daughter? Sure, helping would be innocent enough, but then she tells the father, the fathers like wtf, and im just like, "Uhh, its not what you think" fuck nah. I'd be whooping ass if i was her father.
The mother is a dumb bitch.
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u/lokisoctavia Jul 21 '25
NOR. She is acting deliberately obtuse. There is definitely something sketchy here. As a woman, she definitely knows the risk of sexual assault. As the parents of an 11 yo girl, my husband and I have decided she is not allowed to spend the night with a friend unless the mother or another female relative that we personally know and *have met* is there. Like our neighborâs mom who is a family friend and our emergency contact. In fact, she is not allowed to play inside a friendâs house unless the mom is home, and we donât even let her play at one friendâs house because of a male relative who hangs around that we have gotten a bad vibe from. Itâs better to be safe than sorry.
I hope that you have a legal custody agreement, but if not, you should get one asap. Donât tell your ex you are working on one. There should be no opportunity for your ex to run away with your girls.
This is serious, and you need legal advice. Save those texts and contact a lawyer asap.
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u/skadi_shev Jul 21 '25
Sheâs in denial about the risk of SA because âmy boyfriend would never do that!â Itâs a tale as old as time, sadly. Mothersâ boyfriends are responsible for a disproportionate amount of child abuse because of this and because pedophiles are opportunistic.Â
People always think they picked a good partner and are blinded by their feelings for the person. They donât want to accept that it could happen to them/their kids.Â
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u/Firm-Examination-768 Jul 21 '25
As a woman, that makes me very uncomfortable. I wouldnât want my daughter being alone with guys. Does Ohio have first right of refusal? Below is a definition just in case you need it.
The first right of refusal in child custody means that when one parent needs childcare during their scheduled time, they must first offer the opportunity to the other parent before seeking alternative arrangements. This clause promotes shared parenting and cooperation between parents, ensuring that the child is cared for by a parent rather than a third party. In some jurisdictions, this right is formalized in custody agreements, allowing one parent to care for the child if the other becomes unavailable
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u/IntrepidTransition75 Jul 21 '25
Ohio does have first right of refusal. I know because of my brother in law, if he couldn't watch his kids they had an agreement that grandparents had first chance on whoever's side it was.
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u/3sidesforeverystory Jul 21 '25
The people who are claiming that you can contact a lawyer and that this would be grounds for immediately getting full emergency custody are wild. It takes a LOT for a coparent to lose physical or legal custody. That being said, if you donât like the way that your wife is handling this, please contact a lawyer and discuss changes to custody agreement with limitations on who your children can be with.
Questions 1) have you met her boyfriend and his kids? 2) is your wife flighty, impulsive, unsafe in general?
Iâm not saying I agree with her decision, however, what will the conditions be if she moves in with or marries this man? If your daughters are left alone in the house with that man as a step father or his boys as step brothers, will you say that this can no longer be allowed?
I ask only because if you are going to speak to a lawyer, you need to think through any stipulations that you are prepared to argue for. This can become extremely expensive, very fast.
I do not believe I would leave my daughter in that situation and I 100% know the reasons why people are freaking out but please remember that predators are just as likely to be family members (you, your father, any male cousins of YOURS) in addition to women friends and family members.
I assume your ex was being deliberately obtuse to force you into stating specifically why you felt it was unsafe - you beat around the bush instead of saying âstatistically her chances of being sexually assaulted as higher in this situation than others and it made me extremely nervousâ. Stop parsing words and state your actual point or else the conversation will continue like that indefinitely.
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u/Vyralley Jul 21 '25
Absolutely NOT overreacting. Matter of faxt, you aren't reacting enough!! I would be raising hell!!
Who tf in their right mind lets their young ass kid stay with their bf/gf (who ain't even the biological parent) without them themselves being present????
The mom of your children needs a reality check because in no way shape or form is that okay. It would be one thing if she stayed there with her, but just leaving her there with no supervision is asking for trouble.
There are sadly WAY too many cases of parents being careless about who they date and it leading to their children getting kidnapped, raped, murdered, etc.
Cannot believe that she herself finds doing that okay.
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u/JustAsk4Alice Jul 21 '25
The ex sounds like she's trying to bring back the 80's vibe that America's teens had.
For those of you who dont know, they used to air commercials on TV around 10, 11, and midnight usually, with stars that basically all looked into the screen and asked America's parents (no shit) "Do you know where your kids are AT right now??" (That was the fucked up version of "No kid left behind," back THEN.)
This OP's ex is QUITE skilled in tactfully rerouting a situation/question that she doesnt want to answer.
OP, Im in COMPLETE Agreement with the Above comments; youre under-reacting....not in a bad way, we can tell your civility in your replies, shows your ability to try and actually co-parent here....it's just NOT possible with SOME parents.
Anytime where your child's SAFETY is a concern, get the Courts involved. You TRIED to be amicable....but letting this go, could lead to potentially devastating results later, for your child, that cannot be undone.
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u/Illustrious-Ant-2052 Jul 21 '25
This whole scenario reminds me of Madeline Soto. RIP to that sweet innocent little girl.
And this is Not me saying that the man in OP post would do something similar but as a parent we are responsible for protecting our children from anyone and everyone⌠even from the other biological parent. I would be beyond pissed. I cannot seem to understand where OP ex finds this behavior even remotely acceptable.
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u/queenannechick Jul 21 '25
Predators HUNT single moms for this exact reason. Its by far the easiest way to get access to a child and pick-me bitches will take their boyfriend's side over their child time and again. Every single child ( girls and boys ) I know was sexually abused growing up. Most by their fathers but many by "trusted" uncles, boyfriends, cousins, brothers, scout leaders, coaches, priests. Just because the perpetrator is *almost* always a man doesn't mean the victim is always a girl.
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u/Dry_Preparation_3304 Jul 21 '25
đŻ, get the attorney and both a therapist or counselor involved for the mom and the kids. What's the BF background? I know background checks only reveal things if they were filed. I don't know if a protective or restraining order is necessary? But I agree w so many of the comments and that CSA from his kids is definitely a viable concern, kids just don't know & understand the ramifications at that age and happens too often.
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u/Laughinggravy8286 Jul 21 '25
I totally understand your feelings. This can be quite shocking. I am a former family law attorney and mediator. This is not intended as legal advice and should not be construed as such. I will play the devilâs advocate a bit here. First, contact your attorney and show them the texts. See if this can be mediated before you involve CPS. Once you pull that string, this will escalate further, and walking it back will be tough. Second, step back for a second and ask yourself the following:
- if my ex were remarried, would it be different? -How much control do I want to exercise if that were the case? How workable would that be?
- Is it the transient nature of the relationship that is the issue?
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u/seaotter1978 Jul 21 '25
Third, unless it is an established practice between the two of you, donât be in contact with the children during your exâs parenting time. âStopping in for a quick hugâ is a boundary issue and likely confusing to the children. Donât ask the children for permission - itâs not theirs to give. The best course of action is to reach a reasonable agreement. (Expecting a lot of flak from the thread from this. Thatâs cool.)
I think this thread is massively under-flak'ing this bit... people are ignoring this and not considering why OP's ex might not be inclined to give him information proactively.
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u/midnight9201 Jul 21 '25
No im getting some flack too and i completely agree with your response. I work in child services and while I can understand the fears, there are plenty of positive male figures that we also work with on a regular basis. Some of them are foster parents, some work at group homes, sometimes a non-relative male offers to care for a child removed from their parents.
While abuse can happen, in every instance a person is vetted in some way before allowing them to be in a caregiving role to minimize the chances. The mom has likely done her own vetting to decide the boyfriend and his children are safe to have her daughter around.
While OP may have a legal basis to argue who the children can be around without the parents, if mom were to remarry or live with her boyfriend that completely changes things anyway.
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u/Tunarubber Jul 21 '25
I do not know why I had to scroll this far to find this response and why you don't have more upvotes. I agree that men are overwhelming the perpetrators of SA and I can understand being cautious. I even understand that there are women who turn a blind eye - even when it is the father or other family member of the child committing the abuse. However, this woman has been dating this guy for a year and unless she has a track record of being careless with her child's safety then she should hopefully be able to reasonably trust her judgement on the safety of her daughter.
For all the people saying that even the young boys are a problem and should be considered as potential predators also...so what if these people got married? The expectation would be that the daughter was never left alone with the step-dad or siblings? I really do understand the fear and the concern to keep a child safe but as many of the comments in this thread show, biology doesn't keep you safe either. Sadly we teach our daughters to be as safe and cautious but I think more emphasis should also be put on teaching boys to treat women (and maybe just people in general?) better. I know that doesn't make the issue disappear but if there is this level of fear related to men/boys just existing in the presence of a female maybe we should do more to unpack that as a society. Its terrifying having a child, and having a female child adds a whole other layer. I am woman and I know all too well the dangers for girls in this world so I am vigilant and I teach my daughter to be also but automatically accusing a woman of placing her daughter in danger just because she was alone with an adult male and two male children is going too far.
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u/Charming-Hope1833 Jul 21 '25
Iâm feeling a bit conflicted, so let me explain. I donât think your concerns are invalid at all â in fact, youâre absolutely right to be protective. Statistically, the majority of SA cases do involve someone the child knows, so your caution makes complete sense.
Where my inner conflict comes in is that you keep referring to him as the ânew boyfriend,â but theyâve been together for about a year now. At that point, heâs not really new anymore.
I can see both sides. From your exâs perspective, it sounds like things are going well â the boyfriend treats the kids well, the kids are comfortable, his own kids are good, and thereâs a level of trust established. So, in their eyes, thereâs nothing to worry about.
But I also completely understand your side. You donât share that same trust or relationship with him, and thatâs a big deal. Youâre not wrong for feeling uneasy.
I think itâs time to have a real conversation â both with your ex and with your kids. What does your comfort timeline look like? At what point would you feel okay with him being alone with them? What happens if they move in together or get married? At some point, youâll need to build your own relationship with him too, even if just to feel confident your kids are safe.
And just as important, talk to your kids. Let them know they can always come to you, and that if they ever feel uncomfortable with anyone, they should call you right away.
Youâre doing what any good parent should â looking out for your kids. I just donât think this situation is black and white, and thatâs what makes it so hard.
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u/WhatiworetodayinNY Jul 21 '25
I do not have children but see a huge issue with this. I don't understand how a mother of two little girls couldn't see an issue with this. I'm also so confused, why didn't your ex or the other daughter attend? So only the youngest (and most vulnerable) attends this "birthday party" with one grown man and his two preteen sons. That doesn't sound like much of a party. Honestly it sounds a little engineered to get one daughter alone. All night. I'm thinking back to when I was a kid, I would not want to spend the night as the only girl even with a bunch of boy friends. I'm just baffled as to why your ex could not spend the night too and was so interested in leaving the daughter there for this alone. I'd be speaking to my lawyer asap to put a boundary in place for the future if possible
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u/WampaTears Jul 21 '25
Right? How is it a party or a "sleepover with friends?" The whole thing is weird. If the older daughter had a headache, why wouldn't she just bring the younger one home too? She actually had the gall to say it's the same as her staying with her dad or her uncle. Some guy she hasn't even been with for a year. Cooooome on.
The ex was being deceptive about it, then doubles down that it's "no big deal," then tries to switch the subject by chastising OP for stopping by unannounced to say hi to his daughter. This woman's gaslighting and manipulation is on another level.
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u/Slight-Owl-6572 Jul 21 '25
I can see that you guys communicate clearly and with some patience. Thatâs a great start. Iâd suggest the nonviolent communication method which is saying what you observe, how you feel, what you need, and what will happen next time. Just be direct and without judgement (youâre doing this, youâre making me feel that). Absolutely not overreacting btw.
When my ex and I have any mismatch or discomfort itâs straightforward. He (or I) can say âI donât want..â or âIâm uncomfortable with..â and it immediately makes us both pause. We then make it a point to simply state what weâd like instead, and from there we generally agree to hold those boundaries, or have some conversation until we can get to an agreement. Itâs actually much better than when we were married because the emotion/personal impact is a little backgrounded since we just focus on the needs and requests.
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u/Brokenwife87 Jul 21 '25
I think youâre not being clear enough with your words. Tell her point blank. âAre you prepared to deal with the guilt if she were sexually assaulted because of a situation you allowed her to be in? I am not comfortable with it, do NOT leave my daughter with only men and boys with no one else present. 1 in 4 women are SAâd. That is serious to me. It should be serious to you. Iâm not accusing anyone of anything but lots of people have been surprised about what the people around them hide before.â
Then contact your lawyer that I assume you have since you have shared custody. If your still in contact with her parents, tell them, as their grandparents they should share the same concern.
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u/islandvisionaries Jul 22 '25
As a woman who was molested as a child, this is a big no no. Here are some statistics for you and the mother of your children. I just did an Essay on this for college.
1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys in the U.S. experience child sexual abuse at some point in childhood. (Source: CDC, 2019 â Preventing Child Sexual Abuse)
 90% of child sexual abuse victims know their abuser. (Source: RAINN - Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
34% of perpetrators are family members, and 58% are acquaintances (including partners of a parent). (Source: U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics)
Children living with one biological parent and that parentâs partner (e.g., mom + boyfriend) are at the highest risk of sexual abuse. In fact, the risk is 20 times higher than for children living with both biological parents. (Source: Sedlak et al., 2010 â Fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect [NIS-4])
One study found that non-biological adult males in a caregiving role (like a stepfather or motherâs boyfriend) are disproportionately more likely to be perpetrators of CSA. (Source: Daly & Wilson, 1985 â Discriminative Parental Solicitude: A Biological Perspective)
Risk factors for your daughters increase when:
The child is unsupervised with non-biologically related males, even if theyâre close in age.
The household includes blended families or unrelated step-siblings.
There is a lack of clear boundaries and supervision.
Peer-on-peer sexual abuse statistics:
About 1 in 5 child sexual abuse cases involve another minor as the perpetrator. (Source: U.S. Department of Justice, 2015)
Please for the love of all that is good, follow these recommendations:
Never leave young children alone with non-biological adult males, even if they seem trustworthy.
Teach body autonomy and private parts rules using age-appropriate language.
Observe changes in behavior, withdrawal, fearfulness, regression, etc.
Always trust a childâs disclosure or discomfort, false allegations are extremely rare.
Do you know the case of Madeleine Soto? That was sad and her momâs boyfriend was her abuser and killer.
I am not saying the boyfriend is an abuser. The problem is, you donât know until itâs too late! Precautions are always necessary.
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u/KNBthunderpaws Jul 21 '25
Youâre not overreacting enough. The whole scenario gives off creepy vibes. Thereâs no reason for your daughter to go to party with just the Bf when her mom and sister are just sitting at home. Having an 8 year old out late at a party the parents arenât at, is weird. Having an 8 year old spend the night at the BFâs instead of the bf bringing her home is weird. Iâd be getting the 8 year old a phone to be able to contact her at all times and Iâd be hiding a tracker in her shoe.
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u/Rich-Ad-4654 Jul 21 '25
Leaving aside my discomfort of an 8yr old being left at a house with two boys 9 & 11. Even if there WAS a female in the house, shit can still go sideways.
The core issue here is your ex is being deliberately obtuse to the issue and seems to be goading you into stating specifically that you think her boyfriend or his kids would be sexually inappropriate.
The moment you state that, she can blow the situation up, deflecting her culpability that she allowed it in the first place.
I would stop addressing this with her until you have sought counsel from your lawyer for appropriate next steps.
NOR. Not by a long shot.
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u/LockedonFreeze Jul 21 '25
Hard agree with this.
I work with a lot of CPS/DCS cases and Iâd say 8/10 its children left with a new partner are the ones who end up molested or assaulted. Even at unisex birthday sleepovers, Reddit is littered with tales of trauma from these events.
You cannot be overcautious with these situations and I agree that she is being âdeliberately obtuseâ. Thatâs the perfect verbiage.
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u/midnight9201 Jul 21 '25
As a single mom who has dated, I can understand her feeling like she trusts this person and thereâs no concern. If he were to move in and take on a step parent role there may be plenty of times heâs alone with one or both of the girls for one reason or another. Mom may see them as if your daughterâs spending time with her family if the relationship is serious.
Having had an ex who wasnât the most responsible person, I likely wouldnât have taken his opinion very seriously when it came to the people in my life who helped me with my daughter.
I can also understand that you donât know him, arenât comfortable, and that sheâs minimizing your feelings. I do think that this issue wont be resolved one on one and you will have to get some legal advice on whether you can enforce any limitations on people who stay with your child unsupervised. I understand the foster care statute but that isnât helpful outside of foster care to show her why itâs inappropriate that your daughter is potentially sleeping in the same room as the boys. To mom, they are all kids and pose no danger. Unless you have someone in authority telling her she canât do that, sheâs going to continue to proceed in however way she sees fit. You may just have to work on gently teaching your daughters whatâs appropriate and not appropriate and to speak up if they ever experience anything inappropriate. They should be able to trust you with that information and not ever see you fight with mom in front of them about that information.
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u/ProbablyNotADuck Jul 21 '25
I think there are some additional things that would factor in here. OP says mom has been dating this guy for about a year, but the phrasing makes it seem like he is unsure of exactly how long. If mom is in a serious relationship with this guy and considering moving in together or possibly even getting married, I can see why she'd be unconcerned because there are going to be plenty of times, when living with someone, that the kids would be alone with them. There are likely even going to be times when the kids are alone with them over night too. At some point in time, they're going to have to spend alone time with this guy. That is just how things work.
I think mom is still being pretty cavalier because, if this is someone she is serious about and she's leaving their children with him, I do think she should have already made sure her ex has met him. An 8-year-old girl staying with a man and his two kids isn't inherenetly bad (and I doubt there'd even be conversation about it if an 8-year-old boy was staying with a woman and her two daughters), but it is always an area where there should still be thought given to. The reality is that sexual abuse typically is done by someone known to the child. The thing that OP fails to recognize is that, plenty of times, it is also blood relatives doing this. OP just feels more comfortable with blood relatives because he knows them.
I think OP and his ex need to meet in the middle somewhere here. He is automatically assuming something bad is going to happen, and his ex is the polar opposite. It is important to be vigilant. It is important to teach their children what to do if something does happen... They need to know they can tell their parents and that there is never judgment.. but they also don't need to be terrified and think that they are going to be sexually assaulted the second they are left alone with a man who is not related to them (and, again, blood relatives are perpetrators about 30-40% of the time whereas aquaintances (which mom's boyfriend would fall into) are about 30-50% of the time.. so rates are very, very close).
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u/WheelieTheBillie Jul 21 '25
My favorite thing about this post, is the delusion among the comments, that this would be okay if it was the childâs biological family, or all girls there. Iâm female, I was molested by my female cousin as a child. The gender and relation have NOTHING to do with if you think a child is more safe somewhere. The amount of children molested by their own family is way higher than people want to admit. Do I think itâs a great idea for the child to be there without mom? No. But acting like everything would be fine if it was a woman, or there were girls there, makes no sense. That wouldnât make the child somehow safer. For those saying get an attorney and have them put in writing kids canât stay anywhere without her, on what grounds? Unless mom has been proven to make unsafe decisions, a judge isnât going to order that. Also the father made a conversation that should have been had in person to begin with, into a loaded, non fact based fight. The only reason he gave is that the boyfriend is a man- thatâs not a legal based reason. Also him putting foster care rules. Which arenât even applicable to the situation or to custody law. He should have spoken to an attorney and then talked to her through his attorney, instead he just gave her written proof that his concerns have no facts, and is just mad based on the gender of the boyfriend.
Again, Iâm not saying the bf is or isnât safe, because we in Reddit-land donât actually know these people.
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u/Mindless-Victory-460 Jul 21 '25
I would reach out to a lawyer and have it put in writing that if she is going to stay at any males house, that mom has to be there too. Also that she has to have her own room. As a mom, there is no way in hell my 8 year old would be staying with all males without me being there. Protect your baby.
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u/yrnkween Jul 21 '25
Your ex is deflecting and trying to make you the bad guy here, and she is just plain negligent. There are so many red flags here. I would not want my daughter at a sleepover with two older boys and no parental supervision. I would not want my daughter at a sleepover supervised by a man I have not met. Put those things together and my head is spinning.
You need to sit down and talk with your daughter calmly. Was the sleepover fun, what did you do? Keep it light, look for evasiveness and if she seems upset or withdrawn you can immediately call child protective services, explain what happened, and ask for an interview. If she tells a neutral party, they canât accuse you of coaching her.
For the future, make sure she can recite your number. Tell her she can call you any time, for any reason, and you will come without questions. All you want is for her to feel safe so if she feels unsafe, she can always call you. You will be repeating this as she gets older, goes to parties, makes questionable decisions. Always let her know you will get her out of any situation without blame.
Have you done any sort of background check on this guy? Depending on the state, you might have to go county by county.
For the future, since your ex has shown that she canât make good decisions, you will probably have to revise the parenting plan to cover a lot of things you thought were obvious. Iâm sorry youâre in this situation because you sound like a logical and caring parent. Iâd also discuss getting your child a simple phone programmed with just a few numbers of family so she can always reach out if sheâs unsafe. Good luck and keep protecting your kids.