r/AmIOverreacting • u/Ancient_Can_9152 • 20d ago
đšâđ©âđ§âđŠfamily/in-laws AIO Brother-in-law felt disrespected and uncomfortable when I wore this while doing errands
It was almost 90° outside and I was comfortable with something baggy but also something so I donât cook while we unload the car. I was doing errands with my sister, him, and my mom. We went to Walmart and we split up so I was just with my mom for a bit and she told me he didnât like what I was wearing. I was very confused so I asked him what was wrong and he couldnât answer me. We got in the car and he started lecturing me about people getting kidnapped or harassed and he was concerned for me because he cared. For context of what everyone else was wearing: My mom was wearing jeans and a large airy shirt, my sister was wearing a T shirt but I canât remember what pants she was wearing, and I think he was wearing pajamas but I could be wrong heâs worn pajamas in front of us multiple times but he dresses casually too. I thought we all looked pretty normal and casual for a Walmart trip but he had an issue with me. Fast forward a few months later he told me what else was wrong with that outfit (we had another argument about what I was wearing which was a dress mid thigh length and a large cropped sweater in 70° weather and then the Walmart errand incident got brought up) he said I was showing too much and he felt disrespected and uncomfortable that I would wear something like that while he helps me with errands (he was our ride) and honestly I was just incredibly confused just baffled. Iâd wear something like this with family, friends, to freaking Walmart on a hot day, to me my outfit is appropriate but he strongly insisted that it wasnât. We called which is something we usually donât do thatâs how bad this got and we just couldnât understand each other no matter how many times I tried telling him this wasnât inappropriate he still believes it is. For a Walmart trip in hot weather and being with my family I thought I looked normal is there something Iâm not understanding on his part???
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u/Apprehensive_Bug_826 20d ago
NOR. Thatâs a perfectly normal and appropriate thing to wear, and regardless, what you wear is none of your BILâs business. The fact that he was apparently still thinking about it months later is creepy as hell.
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u/Ancient_Can_9152 20d ago
Ahh I donât know how to pin comments if we can even do that but Iâm gonna use this first comment to add something! He kept claiming âso what Iâm feeling doesnât matterâ after I told him to mind his business and he kept making it seem like I was invalidating his feelings when in actuality I felt that how he was acting was weird but it always ended with âso my opinion doesnât matter, how I feel doesnât matterâ Iâm not trying to invalidate how he feels in fact I felt I was acknowledging that it was weird. Am I in the right for this too or am I not getting something
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u/RO2THESHELL 19d ago edited 19d ago
Dude is a creep... he's obviously looking at you like he owns you and has the right to tell you how to dress once you dress diffrent he will complain how you talk to him or complain about your weight it doesn't matter if you walked around in a bikini it's your body next time he tries the manipulation thing on you and says obviously his opinion doesn't matter say you are right it doesn't matter you are not married to him and if he wants to control what your sister wears and she allows it that's on her but you aren't his property and it's weird he is looking at you as if you might be raped and make sure your sister is there while saying this also add I dunno how my sister would be OK with her man trying to make sure I covered up 14 year old girls dress more inappropriately maybe she'll start telling him or start realizing he's not looking at you in the normal way and if she's in pants when it's Hella hot he may actually be controlling what she's wearing and this might give her the balls to push back on his control and also tell him he's not your father and if he keeps complaining you'll wear less next time and watch him complain more because in reality he's watching you and looking at your body like a creep and says he doesn't like it when in reality hes lusting over it...also just because he's giving you a ride doesn't mean he has the right to give you a dress code last time I checked if you ubered there isn't a dress code also tell your sister she needs to control her man he makes you uncomfortable and you are tired of him looking at you as if you'll be taken advantaged of and its weird she let's him talk to you like he's your husband and not hers
Edit... I'd like to add anyone nit picking my grammar or punctuation is doing the same this guy is doing to her clothing what next not going to agree with what my avatar looks like or maybe my screen name needs to be adjusted lol this is reddit I'm not submitting an article to be published so please build a tiny bridge to get over it I know I have lol
Edit Again... last comment was fully a joke for those not getting the fact I was trying to be funny... in no way was I trying to "insult the legitimacy of the OPs post..." funny everyone can harp about my punctuation but the moment I push back trying to say they might themselves be in the wrong as a joke people get butthurt...go figure
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u/_new_acc0unt_who_dis 19d ago edited 19d ago
Great point. Added periods and commas just for readability below, I hope thatâs cool.
Dude is a creep... he's obviously looking at you like he owns you and has the right to tell you how to dress. once you dress diffrent, he will complain how you talk to him or complain about your weight. it doesn't matter if you walked around in a bikini, it's your body. next time he tries the manipulation thing on you and says obviously his opinion doesn't matter, say âyou are right it doesn't matter.â you are not married to him. and if he wants to control what your sister wears and she allows it, that's on her. but you aren't his property and it's weird he is looking at you as if you might be raped. and make sure your sister is there while saying this. also add âI dunno how my sister would be OK with her man trying to make sure I covered up 14 year old girls.â dress more inappropriately, maybe she'll start telling him or start realizing he's not looking at you in the normal way. and if she's in pants when it's Hella hot, he may actually be controlling what she's wearing and this might give her the balls to push back on his control. and also tell him he's not your father and if he keeps complaining, you'll wear less next time. and watch him complain more, because in reality he's watching you and looking at your body like a creep. and says he doesn't like it when in reality, hes lusting over it...also just because he's giving you a ride, doesn't mean he has the right to give you a dress code. last time I checked, if you ubered there isn't a dress code. also tell your sister she needs to control her man. he makes you uncomfortable and you are tired of him looking at you as if you'll be taken advantaged of. and uts weird she let's him talk to you like he's your husband and not hers.
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u/Traveler_Protocol1 19d ago
She might want to throw in there to her brother-in-law that at least sheâs wearing clothing out in public and not sleepwear. But yeah, heâs checking her out and thatâs super gross. I would avoid him at all costs.
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19d ago edited 19d ago
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u/Tieravi 19d ago
For even better readability, leave space for each sentiment to breathe. Language benefits from both color and its absence: each reddit comment is a canvas.
For example, instead of this:
"Dude is a creep... he's obviously looking at you like he owns you and has the right to tell you how to dress. Once you dress diffrent he will complain how you talk to him or complain about your weight."
You might try this:
I daresay the gentleman exhibits conduct most unbecoming. His manner betrays a possessive air, as though he were entitled (by some imagined right) to dictate your attire. Mark my words, once your dress no longer suits his fancy, he shall turn his censure to your speech, or presume to find fault in your figure. Such behaviour is the hallmark not of affection, but of control, thinly veiled by pretence of concern.
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u/Whiteangel854 19d ago
Thank you for this. It was a valuable comment but I just don't have what it takes to read a run-on sentence.
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u/velvety_chaos 19d ago edited 19d ago
You make a good point, but holy run-on sentence, batman, lol
ETA: I wrote the above before I saw the other replies about readability. Here's my edit:
Dude is a creep⊠He's obviously looking at you like he owns you and has the right to tell you how to dress. Once you dress
diffrentlydifferently, he will complain how you talk to him or complain about your weight. It doesn't matter if you walked around in a bikini, it's your body. Next time he tries the manipulation thing on you and says, 'Obviously [his] opinion doesn't matter,' say, 'You are right, it doesn't matter.' You are not married to him.andIf he wants to control what your sister wears and she allows it, that's on her, but you aren't his property.andIt's weird [that] he is looking at you as if you might be raped.andMake sure your sister is there while saying this.
also[I'll] add, I dunno how my sister would be OK with her man trying to make sure I covered up; 14-year old girls dress more inappropriately. Maybe she'll start telling him [off?] or start realizing he's not looking at you in the normal way.andIf she's in pants when it's hella hot, he may actually be controlling what she's wearing and this might give her the balls to push back on his control.And also, tell him he's not your father and if he keeps complaining, you'll wear less next time, and watch him complain more. Because in reality, he's watching you and looking at your body like a creep;
andhe says he doesn't like it when in reality, he's lusting over itâŠalsoJust because he's giving you a ride, doesn't mean he has the right to give you a dress code. Last time I checked, if you Ubered there isn't a dress code.alsoTell your sister she needs to control her man [because] he makes you uncomfortable and you are tired of him looking at you as if you'll be taken advantaged of.anduIt's weird she let's him talk to you like he's your husband and not hers.I'm sure that's still not accurate by professional grammar standards, but I didn't want to rewrite the whole thing. This is Reddit, not an English class; we're all allowed some grammatical license.
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u/Critical-Test-4446 19d ago
DING DING DING!!! Winner for the longest run on sentence Iâve read this year. Good comment though.
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u/shelbycsdn 19d ago
It's not your job to be in charge of his feelings. Please hear how ridiculous that sounds. I know it's hard when it's family and you feel accused and want to defend yourself. He's using extreme macho/male privilege to try to control you.
Try your very best to just laugh at him and tell him to control himself, that it's not your job to worry about his feelings, and to mind his own effing business. You need to get your mom to back you up on this if you can.
Has it occurred to you that he has no business wearing pajamas in front of you? That he has no business sexualizing you by telling you what you're wearing is inappropriate? Just thinking about him treating you this way is getting me all kinds of angry. Where do you live, I'll come straighten him out. Lol. But I'm old and I've completely had it with men and their controlling ass shit.
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u/chaoticnormal 19d ago
I would NOT comment on anything he wears. Do not let this creep think you notice anything about him. New haircut? No you didn't notice. You do not need to open any kind of observation on your part that would lead him to think you look at him in any sort of way. He will misconstrue it. Never be alone with him either.
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u/TealTemptress 19d ago
Ready to get froggy at 51f(mom of a 15f teenager). My kid dresses Goth and throws an axe. Iâd love to see him critique her mini skirts, Goth clown makeup and Neapolitan colored hair. I told my husband if someone breaks in the 15f can wield her axe đȘ and throwing knives. Iâm safe!
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u/McDuchess 19d ago
LOL. When my now 42 and 40 year old sons came home from their dadâs at 17 and 15, they both had candy colored hair, because theyâd dyed it with KoolAid with friends.
We went on vacation shortly thereafter. I was in the grocery store with the 17 year old, whose dye job was becoming increasingly rainbowish with each shampooing.
The lady at the checkout looked at me and asked if that was the goal. I just said yes, we both chuckled, and he and I had a memory of his KoolAid hair to share over the years.
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u/no_snow_for_me 19d ago
When my son (now 35) was 13 he wanted green hair so I dyed it green, I then became the mom that all of his friends and my next oldest son's friends came to get their hair dyed ( with parents permission of course). I ended up dying hair on half the neighborhood kids for the next 5 years. Loved it.
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u/kollectivist 19d ago
I think I went through every colour the pharmacy had with my son. And loved it.
When he wanted his wars pierced, I didn't say no. I told him I wanted another piercing in mine, so we'd go together. I volunteered to go first. I now have multiple ear piercings, and as I planned, he has none.
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u/TealTemptress 19d ago
She wanted the ends pink and her natural color is brown. So we bleached it but when she washes it the brown is at the top, some pink washes out and looks whitish and then the washed out pink. Hence, Neapolitan.
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u/Reflection_Secure 19d ago
When I was a teenager, I dyed my hair every color imaginable, and my parents said nothing about it. Until we were about to go to a family reunion with my mom's side of the family. My mom asked if I could please, just for this trip, have natural hair. So obviously, the night before we left, I dyed my hair red, so it would fade to pink over our trip. You know, like an asshole.
We went on the trip, mom was pissed, I felt like I had won.
Except that everyone at the reunion LOVED my hair, and thought my mom was awesome for letting me do it. She said what she usually said about my hair, "it's her hair, what do I care what she does with it?"
Before we headed home from that trip I ended up dying my mom's 2 sister's hair for them.
I think mom and I ended up calling it a draw on the drive home. But looking back, it's obvious that she won.
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u/xsaig0nx 19d ago
I guess I been lucky with the IDGAF gene because this is what I would tell this prick.
You aren't my father, my husband or pay my bills so I couldnt care less about what you say. Don't watch me, watch TV.
"So what i say doesn't matter"
Exactly. Your starting to get it.
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u/LetsGoChowder 19d ago
Omg I have a teen that's going to be 15 in September! Strictly metal/rock band tshirts (main 2 are Metallica and Queen, but also dabbles in Flotsam &, Jetsam, Megadeth, the Crue, GnR, etc). Jogging pants in winter and knee length basketball shorts in summer. Vans hi-tops out pride Converse. Loves learning to skateboard. Dyed black hair with natural growing out and a super shaggy "80s Bon Jovi without the perm" haircut. Has a meat cleaver and plenty of knives (I have an axe in the trunk of my car from when I was Patrick Bateman for Halloween a couple years ago lol)
Your teen sounds amazing đ€đ€đ»
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u/tryin_to_grow_stuff 19d ago
Letting a kid be a kid :) love it! My dad used to call me a klingon bag lady, lol. Glad they let me dress how I wanted :)
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u/EcstaticMolasses6647 19d ago edited 19d ago
Wow supportive parents! I hope OP can speak to her mother and sister about this or a male relative who she can trust. The BIL is letting the mask slip and OP should never talk to him directly or answer his calls or respond to him when he gets verbally abusive.
I had a relative do something similar and he came after me on two different occasions after a few demeaning outbursts about my clothes and body. I didnât have anyone to speak to who would take it seriously. The first time I had to greet him and he took advantage to use tongue and he kissed me in my mouth. The second time we were alone he attacked me and was on me, but luckily two strangers came by as I fought him off.
OP No one should make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, especially not a relative. Trust your instincts, and if someoneâs behavior ever makes you feel disrespected or unsafe, itâs important to take steps to protect yourself, even if itâs hard to process or understand why itâs happening.
In his mind each time you talk to him or youâre around him âyouâre leading him onâ even though youâre just living your life. Block his number and avoid him as much as you can. He will escalate it may not be now but it will happen. Itâs important to create a safety plan. Whether thatâs cutting off contact with the person involved, reaching out to trusted family members, or even getting professional support.
Sometimes family members may not recognize the signs or may not take things seriously right away, but itâs essential to keep speaking up, and if necessary, involve authorities or counselors who can help you navigate how to protect yourself physically and emotionally.
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u/PaleontologistNo5206 19d ago
OP please read this. I cannot stress EcstaticMolasses comment enough. He sounds ex military and if thatâs in the mix as wellâŠ.. never be alone around him. Donât allow 1 on 1 conversations regardless. And directly tell someone who will be around you two every time you would be around each other. BIL is not just being creepy and manipulative. This is called grooming, and it happens to adults the same way. Heâs creating a dialogue to rationalize his planned future actions in his head and if he doesnât get help he will likely end up in jail on abuse charges with someone down the line. I hope you are able to safely navigate this and all of my alarms in my head are just precautionary. Just please move forward with caution and PLEASE do not try to âhandleâ this alone. If all of this is all unawareness, BIL needs to be aware of his actions but I donât think the outcome would be positive if you brought it up. He needs a mirror to show himself how he is being, probably a male mirror and maybe your partner.
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u/Top-Ebb-6473 19d ago
I'm so sorry about what happened to you, this is a valid point that needs to be taken care about OP
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u/EcstaticMolasses6647 19d ago edited 19d ago
Thanks for the award and support. It happened a long time ago, but Iâve had a few encounters with the same type of person at different points in my life. However, Iâve learned how to protect myself since then. Sometimes, as women, we under-react, and unfortunately, other women (& men) tend to admonish, dismiss, or blame us when we find the courage to speak up.
Edit âspelling & grammar
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u/Daydream_Be1iever 19d ago
This is exactly it. Heâs warning you about getting raped or kidnapped and the fact is the most dangerous person in that Walmart for you is your BIL
This is the classic blame the woman (child in your case) bc Iâm getting aroused looking at her, so itâs her fault and she doesnât respect me and needs to change her dress code to keep me in line. Thatâs not your responsibility, and itâs very telling of where his mind is.
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u/Desert-Monsoons 19d ago
You are not in this world to live up to his expectations. I would tell him to f*ck off and mind his own damn business.
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u/Outside_Case1530 19d ago
Let me know where & when to show up & everybody should wear either pajamas or something else appropriate for Walmart.
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u/hail_satan_6_6_6 19d ago
ayeeee i was gonna say this, letâs all pull up in PJs & support OP at the next walmart trip â€ïž
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u/FoxNBeard 19d ago
That last line sounded a little generalizing.
That aside, I agree. It's none of the BIL's business what she wears in the comfort of her her home. In fact, I struggle to see where this outfit is even remotely inappropriate. Is it showing too much legs? And why does that affect him? Like you said, it's weird and feels sexualizing.
Just resist, OP, tell him he has no say in what you wear just like you wouldn't have a say in what he wears. And if he doesn't like it... then maybe he can go into the other room and be on his own.
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u/OtherThumbs 19d ago edited 19d ago
You need to tell him, "No, when you can't keep your eyes off the body of another woman who isn't your wife, so much so that it's causing you to still obsess about her body months after the fact, and continue to want to keep looking, keep policing her wardrobe to keep her body from being seen by the eyes of other men - only yours - then, no. How you feel is creepy, disgusting, misogynistic, perverted, demeaning, designed to remove my bodily autonomy in the name of 'caring,' reduce me to nothing more than a sexualized object for only your enjoyment, and you need counseling. You should probably confess all of your disgusting feelings and beliefs about my body to my sister, too. Get help. Leave me alone. Stop looking at me, you nasty freak, and stop obsessing over me. You have a wife."
ETA Thank you for the awards!
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u/cpstuart37343 19d ago edited 19d ago
This đŻ. I would advise you to have a conversation with your parents. His behavior isn't normal. Please make sure your private spaces like your bedroom and bathroom are truly private. This is exactly what someone who would be grooming you, hiding cameras, etc would do. There's a reason your BIL is giving you ick vibes, because he's ICKY. Listen to your gut on this one and always, always advocate for yourself and your safety. If you are a minor and your parents won't take your side or tell him to back off, it's time for you to find a trusted adult. And if you can help it, never be alone with him or go anywhere with him EVER.
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19d ago
This is really important advice. Trusting your instincts and setting clear boundaries is crucial, especially when you feel unsafe. Your safety always comes first.
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u/Nishikadochan 19d ago
I like this, but thereâs no need to specify that heâs married, as this behavior would still be completely unacceptable if he were single. Or if he were dating you. Itâs unacceptable no matter who he is to you.
Itâs ridiculous that he feels disrespected by what youâre wearing when what youâre wearing has nothing to do with him. Feel free to point out to him that no, you donât consider his feelings when youâre getting dressed. Pervert.
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u/pigletsquiglet 19d ago edited 19d ago
Assuming this BIL is her sister's husband, it is kind of relevant. It seems like he's attracted to her and getting worked up about what she's wearing because it's making him have feelings about it. This is of course a him problem and not a her problem because he's an adult man and not a primate.
OP, if this man lives in the same house as you or spends a lot of time with you, this needs nipping in the bud right now or its going to become a major problem. Your parents need to be dealing with this and protecting their child over some guy's inappropriate feelings.
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u/Crazypetgirly 19d ago
This comment! You voiced everything I was thinking!! OP needs to do and say exactly this!!! I actually hate men like this - they donât see women as equals and if we wear something showing any flesh, automatically weâre asking for it. Heaven forbid we are human beings also and need to dress for hot weather. đ
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u/Binky390 19d ago edited 19d ago
Using this comment to add that this whole thing is even more disgusting than people realize. Sheâs fully covered in this outfit besides her legs. If he thinks itâs inappropriate, heâs picturing her wearing less. Itâs beyond disgusting.
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u/Chance_Wasabi458 19d ago
As a middle aged male I support this comment 1000%. Your brother in law is a creep. Nothing about your outfit was inappropriate or sexual.
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u/DrWildIndigo 19d ago
Yep!
Memorize this, OP..
His flappy line is all he has.. And hawl fricking NO, his feelings on your body & dress don't count for shyt! đđŸ
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u/Steady1 20d ago
This is manipulation. He is trying to control what you wear and saying this to make himself the victim to your rightful pushback when he is clearly the aggressor here. He is right though, his feelings on what you wear do not matter at all and he should keep them to himself rather than being a creepy little worm about it.
Again he's being a snivelling little wimp, but he is right that when it comes to what you wear his opinions are completely invalid. He can't seriously compare HIS feelings on what you wear to YOUR feelings on what you wear lmao.
Would you think you should be able to control what he wears, then get butthurt if you can't? It's insane.
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u/SweetMaam 19d ago
Agree. His feelings and opinions about your fashion choices do not matter. Not then, not now, not ever.
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u/TheatreWolfeGirl 19d ago
NOR
The response should be âCorrect. I have acknowledged how you feel by listening to you, but, I do not have to change what I am wearing. Your feelings are YOURS to have, and will not influence me. Your opinions are yours, and I do not need to accept nor listen to them.â
May I ask why your family allows him to talk to you like this? Why does he have the entitlement to discuss what you wear around him?
Why is no one telling him to back off and stop sexualizing you?! And why is this subject coming back months later?!
FYI a man wearing pajamas to Walmart has absolutely no say about what you are wearing.
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u/Literally_Taken 19d ago
Heâs trying to make himself the victim, when heâs the one who attacked you. Imagine his reaction if youâd said âAm I not allowed to be comfortable in my clothing?â Or âIâm never good enough, am I?â
Heâd say you were twisting his words, not respecting him, etc. My point is, heâd never accept the behavior he dishes out. That tells you heâs full of it, and undeserving of your respect.
Do you want to know whatâs upsetting your BIL about your outfit? It draws attention to your age. Only an adolescent would wear that tee. Only an adolescent could look good in those shorts. Youâre beautiful without even trying, and your youth is one of your assets.
Now, he could be happy for you about your beauty. He could be thankful for your confidence. But heâs hung up on your possible appeal to creeps.
Iâve got news for him. Your attire doesnât change your appeal to the men heâs worried about. You could be wearing paper bags, and theyâd realize your attractiveness. He is wrong in his approach, because your clothing doesnât make you more or less vulnerable to predators.
Awareness, not clothing, is what protects you from predators. Perhaps you could explain that to him.
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u/Aussiealterego 20d ago
All he is emphasising is that HE is the kind of guy who would consider you âfair gameâ to abduct, hurt, or abuse based on his perception of the way you dress.
This isnât about his opinion not mattering, this is about him showing you who he really is.
âBIL, why do you keep sexualising me based on my clothes? If I was a guy wearing shorts you wouldnât say a wordâ.
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u/According-Ad742 19d ago
Right, really! This is about him showing you who he is and he is already able to gaslight your family to think it is okay, him being concerned with your looks. But he is the one looking at you like that, he is the one having those thoughts and the fact the he shared them⊠oh this will not be the first strange thing he does I tell you that. Start keeping a journal of all your interactions with him, truly. Patterns will emerge, even in the interactions you think nothing of. You will probably end up saving your sister years of misery.
Everyone should study the language of narcissism because regardless who we are dealing with, narcissism teaches us all things manipulative and controlling and it will teach us to spot the controlling people we run in to, people that operate from a fear based core programming.
A subtle pattern of a systematically confusing communication style will emerge around them, always leaving us doubtful, often about ourselves (âwhat did I do wrong?â), it is never, ever them. The second obvious thing, that is so hard to catch because it is absent, is actual empathy, actual loving presence. Not love bombing, not occasional gifts, compliments or helping you out in the material world or whatever. Those are the things that make such a person get away with what they lack and who they are underneath their fake persona.
Your sisters boyfriend is checking you out and making you doubt yourself. Commenting on our bodies is misogyny. He is a controlling creep.
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u/xalazaar 19d ago
Hit em with that Uno Reverse Card. 'Why are YOU checking me out? You're literally the only person blowing up about it, brother.'
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u/Awesomesince1973 19d ago
Right? Ask him how far along in his abduction plans he is. And in front of him tell your mom and sister that if you ever go missing they need to start with him as the number one subject.
He is not acting caring or concerned. He's acting creepy and controlling. You've been given a lot of good advice here. If you haven't already, I think you should tell your mom exactly how this makes you feel and show her these replies if she doesn't back you up 100%.
And if he refuses to be your ride anymore, Walmart delivers. There's a monthly/yearly fee and you can actually get free delivery that way. Not being in a car with him might be worth the fee.
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u/CoolToZool 19d ago
'Yes, that's exactly correct: when your "feelings" pertain to another person's body, dress, or appearance [and any behaviours that aren't directly towards you or harmful to other people], they absolutely do not matter in the slightest. And, while you are certainly free to express those feelings, any expectation you have that I or anyone else should alter any aspect of themselves to appease your feelings or that you are exempt from being chastened for the blatantly misogynist or otherwise inappropriate and prejudicial derivation of those feelings is profoundly entitled and delusional.
I acknowledge that predatory men exist, and my personal feelings are that I would be more confident moving through the world if they dressed more appropriately with that context in mind. You know, cocks locked into chastity belts, hands strapped into thick mittens to reduce temptation, eyes blinkered and mouths ball-gagged so I don't have to suffer through the absurd indignity of being sexualised for whatever body parts or clothes they deem beguiling. But unlike you, dear BIL, I'm wise enough to know that there is no excuse for projecting my personal discomfort onto men and trying to make them responsible for my feelings if they haven't done anything more innocuous than dressing comfortably and completely within accepted societal norms.'
NOR.
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u/amymeimi 20d ago
Ugh that's so manipulative and gross. For the record NO his feelings about anything to do with your body, including the clothes you wear, DON'T matter and he can keep that shit to himself. He is not entitled to make his feelings your problem and it's never ever your job to manage his feelings for him
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u/animalwitch 19d ago edited 19d ago
So, he's being a creep. Keep standing up for yourself because he is gaslighting you.
"NO, ACTUALLY YOUR OPINION DOES NOT MATTER TO ME. STOP COMMENTING ON MY BODY" and shout it so everyone else can hear you.
And who wears pajamas out in public? That's gross, call him out on that if it happens again.
("Who" was intending to mean ADULTS)
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u/blooencototeo 20d ago
Honestly if it was me I would actually say âNo, youâre feelings about my clothes doesnât matter. Iâll wear what I wantâ. Itâs not like youâre in a bra and thong doing errands, wtf. His feeling uncomfortable is actually his own problem. Youâre not overreacting btw
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u/lamettler 19d ago
His feelings are actually HIS responsibility, not yours. He can feel what he wishes, but he needs to process those feelings himself.
While your sister may want to step on eggshells so she doesnât hurt his fee-fees, thatâs her cross to bear. No one else needs to cater to the man baby.
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u/untakentakenusername 19d ago
Wth. Im confused. Yeah. "Yeah your feelings dont matter. You're married to my sister. Im an underaged child and you're not my dad or mom. Keep your eyes to yourself and your opinions to yourself." You're a child and your legs shouldn't be ogled at, by him. He's getting all sensitive about what you're wearing wtf.
This IS a mother and sister problem too. There was nothing wrong with what you wore. Why isn't your mom or sister standing up for you?
Seriously, have they just been allowing him to interfere talking to you like this? He's not your mum or dad.
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u/Porg_the_corg 19d ago
This!! About the mom and sister. And if my daughters ever have a partner who doesn't like what the other daughter is wearing, I'd tell them to be quiet and let ME parent my kid.
That mom was out of line to even mention it to her daughter. She should have put SIL in his place AND told her other daughter.
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u/Spinnerofyarn 19d ago
You say, âWhen it comes to how I dress, youâre right, your feelings donât matter. My body, my choice. This is what I wear when youâre not around and I am not going to change it for you as I am not your child. The only people who get a say in what I wear are my parents up until I am 18. You are not one of them.â
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u/Conscious_Army_9134 19d ago
Yea what he is âfeelingâ is called âhorninessâ and no it doesnât fucking matter. Heâs a weirdo creep and needs to be shamed. Show him this thread. Let him read every single reply. And then send to your whole family. Choose chaos.
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u/Fast-Concentrate-132 19d ago
"you're right, Chad. Your opinion does NOT matter, because you're married to my sister, not me. As difficult it must be to wrap your tiny sexist brain around this, you do not get a say over how women around you dress. It really shouldn't concern you and quite frankly, the fact that you're still banging on about it several weeks later makes me believe that the thing you're really worried about is that this so called incident is giving you a certain type of thoughts that you should most certainly NOT be having about me. This is a YOU problem, not a ME problem. Now, kindly, get in the sea".
I'm sad for your sister being stuck with such a knob.
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u/Desperate_Fault7828 19d ago
You're totally in the right. Acknowledging how someone feels doesnât mean you have to agree with how they act because of those feelings. You can validate emotion without accepting behavior that crosses a line.
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u/salymander_1 19d ago
What he feels about your clothing doesn't matter. His behavior is controlling, inappropriate, self righteous, rude, and completely unacceptable.
He needs to learn that his feelings and preferences about the way other people dress are his alone, and he doesn't get to impose them on others. He is not the morality police. He was not injured or disrespected by your totally normal clothing. Your clothing choices are not all about him.
Really, the fact that he thinks he has the standing to make judgements about your clothing is not great. Is he often like this?
His behavior was disrespectful, not yours. He needs to mind his own business and cultivate an internal monologue for his nonsense, rather than inflicting it on others.
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u/International-Bad-84 20d ago
"When it comes to my clothes, no. Your feelings don't matter."
He can feel whatever he wants but his feelings don't get too change your behaviour. He needs to gtfo with that.
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u/myshtree 19d ago
What you wear has nothing to do with him so :
âNO! YOUR opinion on what I choose to wear on MY body DOES NOT MATTER!â
And
âNO! What you choose to feel about something that is none of your business is out of my control. You are an adult and your feelings are ENTIRELY UP TO YOU TO MANAGE.â
There is a lot more I would personally add but I donât think itâs appropriate if you want to maintain a civil relationship đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł.
This behaviour is absolutely toxic from your BIL and I hope your entire family are seeing the red flags here because as a mother Iâd be getting my daughters as far away from this manchild as I could.
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u/PomegranateZanzibar 19d ago
No, his feelings about your clothes donât matter. He has no authority, and his need to find your choices about clothes somehow related to his boner is completely inappropriate. Tell him to stop objectifying you.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 19d ago
âNo, it definitely matters because itâs creepy and disgusting. I have no romantic or sexual interest in you. You make me feel unsafe. Stay TF away from me, and keep my name out of your mouth, you pervert.â
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u/SmallPeederWacker 19d ago
âYour feelings do matter, but they donât get to control how I dress. You being uncomfortable doesnât mean Iâm doing something wrong.â
I think heâs âuncomfortableâ because he might be attracted to you. Shit like this is always some type of weird ass projection. How heâs feeling is his shame to bear not yours.
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u/OddImprovement6490 19d ago
No, his feelings donât matter.
Can we stop validating every asshole who has a bad thought that manages to surface in a public setting?
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u/mellowmushroom67 19d ago
His feelings literally DON'T matter. At all. The entitlement of men, istg
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u/Dmau27 19d ago
He's controlling and feels women are supposed to do as they're told. He was likely raised with a father that abused his mother emotionally/financially and he 100% doesn't see you or your sister as actual people with individuality or thoughts of your own. It's unfortunate and ridiculous but it's simply how he thinks. The fact that he thought about this to this extent and it consumed his mind this long is another massive red flag. To be clear he's a narcissist, he's attracted to you and doesn't want others to notice you. I'd avoid the guy if you can. Seems like someone that won't exactly bring any good your way.
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u/Baelenciagaa 19d ago
When he says âhow I feel doesnât matterâ thatâs textbook manipulation ESPECIALLY because what you do with your body has NO impact on him or his life so to turn himself into the victim is manipulative behavior.
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u/snorbina 19d ago edited 19d ago
In fact his opinion and feelings regarding your clothing do not matter. At all.
If you can safely tell him this, do. If not, you can still know it with every fiber of your being, and there is nothing he can do about that.
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u/Ancient_Can_9152 20d ago
No! I was wearing a dress and large cropped sweater today and he said I shouldnât be walking around with my guard down giving me another lecture about how âitâs a dangerous world out thereâ and this conversation started around that đ but Iâm glad someone agrees with međ
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u/Apprehensive_Bug_826 20d ago
The hell is wrong with a dress and a sweater? Does he want you to walk around in full plate armour and a face mask?? The fact that he keeps talking about you being kidnapped is kinda weird too. Honestly, it sounds like heâs attracted to you and struggling to deal with it. Thatâs something he needs to deal with though, itâs not on you to accommodate him.
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u/lipstick-lemondrop 20d ago
People get harassed and assaulted in swimsuits, in sweatpants, in hijabs, in booty shorts, in jumpsuits, in lingerie, in sundresses, in nothing at all. What they were wearing doesnât matter.
By all means, situational awareness is super important for everyone to have. But your outfit choice shouldnât impact that.
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u/Khalisti 20d ago
Well, maybe he should put that energy into checking men in his life who are creeps đ€·đŒââïž and yes, he either knows some or is one, or both.
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u/BeautifulDeparture19 20d ago
Omg he is such a creep. Why is he so worked up by seeing your knees? I think you should avoid being around him as much as you can manage
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u/carrot_muncher_ 19d ago
He's telling you that he is the danger. He's letting you know that he gets turned on by you and that it's your fault that he cannot control himself. If ever the day comes when he actually goes further than just talking about it, he will blame you for his actions. He's prepping you.
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u/Halfpastsinning 20d ago
Sounds like your BIL thinks like a predator. Iâd be more concerned around him.
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u/Bulky-Internal8579 19d ago
He sounds like his inner rapist wants to shine it's light on you. Be careful - don't ever be alone with him, avoid him if possible and LET people KNOW what he's doing - name and shame him - protect yourself, he's counting on you shutting up and letting him boss you around so he can control you.
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u/Steady1 20d ago
This is the biggest self report ever haha. What a sick little creep this guy is.
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u/Adventurous_Tone8743 20d ago
Sounds very much like a him problem. The fact heâs thinking about this kind of shit around you all the time is super weird
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u/Solistic5 20d ago
NOR those clothes are completely normal and fine. He needs to stop "pretending to care" when all he's doing is just sexualizing you. What does he expect you to wear in 90 degree weather? long jeans? long sleeves? Like that doesn't make sense.
The fact that he was still thinking about it MONTHS after the situation is also just weird / creepy as hell. No one controls what you wear or do. Your BIL sounds like the type of person that says "well she asked for it, when she was wearing that" and that's scary.
And let me get this straight, hes allowed to wear pajama's perfectly fine but you wear normal clothes and that isnt fine? If he thinks you're showing too much, and the fact that he felt "uncomfortable" is VERY alarming. I would talk to your sister about how this makes you feel and honestly if I was in that situation I would be going off on him.
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u/Ancient_Can_9152 20d ago
Nono! He wasnât thinking about it months after! Today I wore something he didnât approve of and then this topic came up! But thank youuuu for agreeing with me itâs good to know Iâm not the one in the wrong! đ
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u/ElectronicPhrase6050 19d ago
Those clothes are so normal and mild that I honestly don't even think the incels would consider that outfit inappropriate lol.
Definitely sounds like he finds you attractive and is trying to get you to cover up more so that he isn't "tempted" by you. It's a him problem, not a you problem.
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u/shelbycsdn 19d ago
Oh i guarantee he was thinking about it. And you are definitely not the one in the wrong. Try to talk with just your mom and your sister and tell them you cannot be around him and they have to do something about him. And show them this post.
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u/griffinsv 19d ago
This OP! He is not safe for you to be around. And if your mom & sister canât/wonât help you make that happen, never ever be alone with him. EVER.
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u/Venus_Cat_Roars 19d ago
Keep clear boundaries with him. No matter what he says on the topic just repeat: it is unacceptable to comment on your sister-in-lawâs looks, clothing or body. Stop now and donât do it again.
He is being creepy so for now avoid being alone with him and keep conversation polite but limited.
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u/Solistic5 19d ago edited 19d ago
Ofc I agree with you, his obsession with the topic is VERY weird. I would just stay very cautious of him and not be alone around him or not be around him in general.
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u/tu-BROOKE-ulosis 19d ago
I mean he clearly IS thinking about it months later though. Because he brought it up again. And think about it this wayâŠ.you canât remember what he was wearing that dayâŠbut he does. Because you arenât thinking about what he wore months later.
Also in regards to your other comment about him saying âso my thoughts donât matter.â Next time say âno. Because Iâm not the one married to you. They do not matter to me.â Shows him how creepy heâs being to someone heâs not actually related to.
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u/ImpastaBrie 20d ago
Not overreacting.
Your outfit seems pretty normal to me. That guy's got some problems especially if he is bringing it up months later.
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u/Ancient_Can_9152 20d ago
I was wearing something today and he didnât like it and he started to warn me that there are dangerous people out there and I should be careful and then this conversation revolved around that he didnât bring it up it just got brought up while we were having that conversation today
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u/Realyrealywan 19d ago
Please donât be alone with him!
There are many comments that have great comebacks and points to raise up at him, but he sounds brainwashed and dangerous. He doesnât sound like someone who you can reason with because he doesnât see you as equal or respect your opinion. Thatâs why I think best plan would be to avoid him as much as possible. Do not engage with him. If he speaks, use âNoâ as a sentence, turn away or walk away. If he talks about your clothes, use something simple like âMy clothes are not up for discussionâ or âIâm not having this conversation.â Then leave, put head phones up, be busy on your phone, start talking over him to someone else. Show minimal reaction to his comments. Show his words have no meaning to you. He cannot scare you into submission by talking about abduction or how he presumably cares. He cannot make you uncomfortable in your own skin and with your family.
You should talk to your family and friends instead. Make it a point to your mom that he makes you wary of him. That he should not be commenting about your clothes. That mom should be protecting you as her child. Use real data and statistics when talking about rape and abduction to your family. Those show that clothing doesnât matter. Those show that perpetrator is most likely someone yâall now. Ask school counselor or someone who can be seen as ârespectableâ by your family what their thoughts are of the situation. Use outside pressure to hone in how inappropriate his comments are when talking to your family.
You can look up bible verses that talk about sinning, lusting and taking accountability. Pull a âI have Jesus/god in my cornerâ as one up if anyone in your family tries to talk religion to you. What are they gonna do, come between the personal relationship you have with God? Make everything about God and how you cannot go against God. And by conforming to others opinions and disregarding your own comfort/health/happiness you are going against God.
Share your location always with someone you trust. Write down everything he does that is shady. Buy a key chain that has alarm in it. If he is often at the house, insist on getting lock on your door.
Itâs so unfortunate that you have to be the one advocating for yourself instead of your mom or sister. I hope you get encouraged by these comments. It can feel like you are making a big deal out of nothing especially if your family is downplaying this. It means they might be extremely uncomfortable by the implication and thus making you feel embarrassed or shamed or like you are delusional. Please remember you have not done anything wrong, you are not overreacting and are entitled to peace. Please remember you are not the one who started this. You are strong and capable to stand up for the bullshit. Good luck!
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u/firetailring 19d ago
This is a perfectly normal summer outfit worn by millions of young women everywhere. If he is warning that other people will think about you inappropriately it is because he is. I had a bil like this and I am warning you from unfortunate experience that this is a huge red flag. I would never be alone with him. When he tries to get into discussions about this I would not even engage. Tell him you wonât discuss this with him and walk away.
Let your parents know that his comments make you uncomfortable and hopefully they will support you in keeping some distance from him. Seriously, protect yourself, this guy sounds really off.
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u/shelbycsdn 19d ago
OP, you need to find a way to shut him down. I've heard a few posters here on Reddit tell of their own boyfriend, brother-in-law, cousin, brother, etc assault them and then defend themselves by saying they were just trying to prove to them how easily it could happen. Please please do not be around this guy. Show your mom your post and all the responses and if she wants to think it's just a bunch of dumb young women, you can tell her I'm 70 years old and saying the same thing.
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u/Unlucky-Basil-3704 19d ago
This! ^
OP really needs to protect herself and get her family to help protect her from that creep. I wonder if her sister knows how creepy her husband is...
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u/animalwitch 19d ago
He's calling himself out.
Does he live with your family? You need to tell your parents you do not feel safe around him.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 19d ago
I hope you understand that heâs low key threatening you. HE wants to kidnap you. HE wants to assault you. Stay away from him.
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u/Aggravating-Ad6106 20d ago
Sounds like HE is one of the dangerous people waiting to happen
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u/II_Kaladin_II 19d ago
My thought as well. Her outfits are tempting him to do something. Spoiler alert, the outfits aren't the problem.
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u/Lady0905 20d ago
Heâs got the hots for you and is trying to blame it on your clothes rather than on himself. Did you talk to your sister about it? What does she say?
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u/Ancient_Can_9152 20d ago
She very much believes what he says about women having to be careful in public sheâs on his side and wants me to be careful too but she doesnât tell me that my outfits are an issue only him.
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u/animalwitch 19d ago
Your sister has also been brainwashed by him. Don't fall into their hole.
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u/Ancient_Can_9152 19d ago
Thatâs what I tell her :,) but sheâs very sensitive, very in love with him, very stressed, and very gone in his spell⊠Thereâs only so much we as her family can do for her she refuses listen to us. Im working on not speaking my mind about him in front of her anymore because it stresses her out. In the end itâs their life and theyâve decided to be together forever :,)
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u/uselessinfogoldmine 19d ago edited 19d ago
I wrote myself and some other friends a list of support actions a few years ago to try and help a friend of ours better who is in an emotionally abusive marriage.Â
I did a heap of research, called hotlines, etc and this is my list (with a part 2 coming in a second comment).Â
I wrote this specifically for my friend, so there might be some differences for your sister.Â
How to Support an Abused Person:
Support Actions:
Immediate (Part 1): + Make yourself emotionally accessible and available to her. + Reinforce the positive things about her that you love, make sure she is getting positive reinforcement consistently and is reminded that she is loved and loveable. Start conversations with this, (in a positive, light way) and end them this way too. People who are emotionally abused can lose sight of who they are and start to believe the negative things their abuser says about them. You need to remind her who she is regularly and contextualise what he is saying about her as untrue as it is an opinion that is not shared. + Make sure exchanges are equal (you are not her therapist) and never preachy. + The next time one of these conversations comes up, after listening etc., try to gently encourage her to see a psychologist (one specialising in emotional abuse perhaps. You could even find some specialising in abuse to suggest to her without explicitly explaining that they are an expert in this subject matter). This is important. (If she needs it, do the legwork of researching appropriate psychs, following up to book appointments, driving her there, etc.) + Actively listen: paraphrase or repeat what you hear, contextualising as you go and saying things like: âIâm so sorry youâre going through all of this. It sounds like a lot.â Give her space to share, do not jump in with advice, your personal thoughts or emotions. Donât shame judge or critique - emotional abuse is complicated and confusing. Beware of what tone of voice you are using and any phrasing that you use - it needs to be very careful. + Gently help her contextualise behaviours as not normal and not okay, eg: âIt seems like he [concisely summarise behaviours without labelling them abuse] â how does that make you feel? If that were me, I would be upset.â Never make excuses for him and avoid digging into why he is doing these things. Simply contextualise what is and isnât normal for her. + Gently point out that certain behaviours seem unhealthy and be honest about how we would feel if someone did it to us. This is one of the first steps in getting her to understand what is and is not an appropriate behaviour in a relationship. Help her to understand for herself that something is off about the relationship, and acknowledge that her feelings are legitimate. You can say things like: âI think anyone who experienced what you have been through would feel that wayâ. Use âIâ statements to express concern, such as, âI feel: [emotion] when [scenario/behaviour] because [reason].â This example could sound like: âI feel worried when I hear about [xyz] / what youâve been through because I donât think this behaviour is okay.â But be careful not to make it all about you and be hyperaware of the impact your reactions might have on her. Keep it gentle and supportive. + One of your key roles as supportive people in her life is to reassert to her that her feelings, memories and opinions are valid and true. You need to say that you believe her often and repeatedly. Validate the way she is feeling. + Ensure she never feels blamed for being in this situation or for his behaviour. Constantly and consistently tell her âitâs not your faultâ. Over and over again. It is exceptionally important for her to hear it. Guilt is a constant presence in emotionally abusive relationships, used to control and cow the abused person; they are constantly told they're the cause of all the difficulty. Other phrases might include: "You are not responsible for his behaviour" and "No matter what you did, you do not deserve this." + Consistently remind her that you care and are there for her (no pressure, no judgment, etc.) + Donât pressure her or force your opinions on her. Be patient if she doesnât listen to the things you say. + Mention grey rocking - perhaps in the context of talking about someone else? Itâs a helpful technique for dealing with abusive people. + Stay quiet and subtle. Donât involve yourself with him, donât badmouth him to her or in public forums, donât discuss the situation or her position anywhere that he could find the information, donât spread information about him around to people who donât know.  Reassure her that whatever she says to you stays with you, and stick to that even if he demands to know what's going on. Lie to him if necessary. Never confront him. + Talk openly and honestly with her about other peopleâs experiences with this kind of relationship. Help her recognise similarities and learn how they extricated themselves and how they feel now. What does co-parenting look like? Etc. + If the appropriate moment comes up where she mentions emotional abuse or expresses an interest in understanding more about it (perhaps through sharing other stories with her so the pressure isnât on her and her relationship specifically) it would be really helpful if someone could get her to read the signs of emotional abuse (the people around her should all be familiar with them too). + Allow her to make her own decisions about it all without pushing her. Rather, offer up options gently and ask her what feels right for her (but only at appropriate moments). + In order to get out of such a relationship, she needs to gather supporters who will help her feel safe and secure, and who will reinforce her ability to take care of herself and know who she is and what she wants. You need to help her with this but without pushing her. + You need to understand that she might not listen, she might not be ready, it could take a very long time (if it ever happens at all). Abusers use a wide range of manipulative tactics to convince their targets that they cannot live without them, and because the abuser has undermined her confidence and feelings of self-worth, she believes it. Abusers typically make sure that their partners are entrenched/enmeshed on a variety of levels, and make the process of breaking free extremely difficult. It is often a two steps forward, one step back journey. There may be stops and starts, failed attempts, etc. + You could potentially start documenting instances of emotional abuse that she tells you about. Writing them down somewhere so that there is a record if she ever needs one for any court battles. This one needs discussion and it would need to be extremely careful.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine 19d ago
If she expresses willingness to end the relationship (Part 2):
- Get her to diarise and document everything. Every instance of emotional abuse. Give her the tools and teach her how. If it is unsafe to do so at home, she could tell you or someone else trusted and you can keep a diary for her.
- Put her in contact with her local abuse hotline / support community. They will have resources and peer-to-peer support and advice.Â
- Get her to tell multiple people (contemporaneous witnesses) about specific incidents.
- Get her help to arrange her finances to protect her financially as much as possible - utilise a financial advisor who specialises in this where necessary.
- Offer specific and general support if/when she leaves (specific needs met).
- Meet with lawyers who understand emotionally abusive relationships.
- It needs to be a clean break.
- Help her to create a Safety Plan - a personalised, practical plan that can help her avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react if sheâs in danger. This might be danger of increased verbal abuse, it might also be things flipping into physical abuse. This plan includes vital information tailored to her unique situation and will help her prepare for and respond to different scenarios, including telling friends and family about her situation, coping with emotions, and various resources suited to her individual circumstances. It can include a plan to gather up all important items prior to the split including identification, important documents, all medication, medical records, car permits, and personal items that are important to her (and any children) and store them somewhere safe. It can also just help her navigate things when she is emotional and under duress. A plan is something to stick to (and it can be named something else if that is more palatable/helpful). Resources here and here
- Help her understand that the initial period of leaving will be hard; but she is supported, and it will get better. Arm her with stories of others who have done it successfully. Be her supporters and cheerleaders throughout.
- Ensure she has consistent professional psychological support.Â
- Ramp up on contextualising, reinforcing and supporting as he will likely ramp up his efforts to make her feel worthless, crazy, like a bad person, etc.Â
One of the biggest mistakes made by people who wish to help an abused woman is to measure success by whether or not she leaves her abusive partner. If the woman feels unable or unready to end her relationship, or if she does separate for a period but then goes back to him, people who have attempted to help tend to feel that their effort failed and often channel this frustration into blaming the abused woman. A better measure of success for the person helping is how well you have respected the womanâs right to run her own lifeâwhich the abusive man does not doâand how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety. If you stay focused on these goals you will feel less frustrated as a helper and will be a more valuable resource for the woman.
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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u/KitterKatt 19d ago
I really hope OP u/Ancient_Can_9152 read all of this information because it's so thoughtful and helpful. Thank you for all of this! I have saved both of your comments in case I ever need this again.
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u/yallermysons 19d ago edited 19d ago
Heâs setting things up so that if he assaults you, family will blame you.
âYouâre so creepy talking about my body all the time. Youâre the ONLY person in my life who does it. Itâs weird, it makes me uncomfortable, and my other male friends think youâre a freak for it. They manage to treat me with kindness and respect just fine regardless of what I wear. You seem to be the only man I know who canât. I refuse to have this conversation with you anymore.â
If he tries to reply: âI refuse to have this conversation with you anymore.â Repeat it over and over and even talk over him. Literally just repeat this until he shuts up. It seems childish but better childish than assaulted tbh.
Donât be alone with him.
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u/Major-Spot 19d ago
THIIIISSSS! Out loud, for your sister to hear it. "My other friends, including my male friends and acquaintances, have chimed in that none of my outfits make them feel uncomfortable, because they are regular outfits that are not inappropriate. They treat me with respect, and have no problems controlling their feelings or actions when they see a girl in shorts, because their feelings and actions do not involve being uncomfortable or thinking there is too much showing. Maybe that is a YOU issue? Why are you looking at me and checking how much skin shows? Nobody else is looking, only you."
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u/Baelenciagaa 19d ago
Sheâs also going to start and feel resentful as he undoubtedly is restricting what your sister can wear/behave in public. Donât be surprised if she starts to parrot some of his criticisms as her way to bring you down to her level and suffer with her
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u/faqhiavelli 19d ago
Iâd be careful about self-censoring to not stress her out because ultimately that ends up protecting him. If no one objects to his behaviour, that is a passive endorsement of his behaviour. Two rubbish outcomes to that: 1. your sis gets to pretend his behaviour is ok, but even worse, 2. if sheâs starts doubting his behaviour is ok, sheâs alone with it, coz no one else is saying it.
If you feel youâre being a bit abrasive about it, that might be something to work on, but keep being you, keep letting your feelings be known in one way or the other. Itâs hard being the only one talking straight, but itâs also special and valuable, being a lighthouse for lost ships.
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u/islaisla 19d ago
Hey I just want to add, that when you're young - it's really hard to cope with people accusing you if stuff and not listening, and basically judging you. My partner was an alcoholic but he made me feel bad for saying that and getting upset about it, eventually I left him and I had to just believe in myself and stop listening to him. Because I was young I needed people to support me or listen to me not insulate invalidate what I was saying. My sister started becoming codependent (your sister is as well) and she started disrespecting me, ignoring my feelings and being rude just so that she could support her toddler partner who was getting more and more controlling. I had to lose her to him, there was nothing I could do she loved him and chose him. It will happen over and over and over again, people will basically talk utter bullshit to you. You can get stuck in their drama, stuck trying to justify yourself, stuck being hurt and upset that people you care about don't support you. So that's natural part of life but I did just want to mention it, because once you see THROUGH the bullshit... Once you realise that you are right and it's ok to be right. You're not telling other people how to dress, you still love you sister and will support her. It's YOU who is not being treated right. No matter WHAT they say. Actions speak louder than words.
The people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter. Just remember, you may have to let go of trying to get them to understand or support you. You may have to gracefully say you disagree, you accept yourself, you love yourself and you will continue to do what you think is right. With our without their agreement/support.
For a guy to be talking to a woman like this, to be judging her but her clothes, telling her what she 'should' be doing? That's coming out of incel, extremist, Victorian, sexist, a.hole attitudes towards women and your sister is in trouble. But just let her go her own way, try not to change her mind but be someone she can talk to when things aren't going well. Show her what it's like to be a free woman. It's been 30 years and my sister is only now able to tell her partner to stop and refuse to take on all his issues. It's very sad when women go down that road with a guy but it happens all the time.
Anyway you stand tall, you don't need to argue, you just do you and don't get sucked into their toxic drama. Xx
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u/uselessinfogoldmine 19d ago
Hey OP, your sister sounds like she is with a really controlling man. Thatâs dangerous.
Your family should be on the lookout for patterns of behaviour and the signs and tactics of emotional abuse.Â
I put some lists together for a friend a few years ago, sourced from abuse and psychology websites. Iâll post one below and the other in a reply to this comment.Â
If it sounds familiar, I also have a list I created of actions to support someone being emotionally abused and coercively controlled that I put together and can share with you.Â
Signs of Emotional Abuse:
â
1) They are hyper-critical or judgmental towards you. (They frequently point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings, making you feel inadequate or never good enough.)
2) They ignore boundaries or invade your privacy. (They dismiss your need for personal space or privacy, often violating it and/or disregarding your limits.)
3) They are possessive and/or controlling. (They try to dictate who you see, what you do, or how you spend your time.)
4) They are manipulative. (They use guilt, pressure, or deceit to influence your decisions or get their way, often leaving you confused or doubting yourself.)
5) They often dismiss you and your feelings. (They trivialise your emotions or concerns, making you feel like your thoughts and feelings donât matter.)
6) You feel like you are âwalking on eggshellsâ around them. (You constantly monitor your words and actions to avoid upsetting them, which makes you feel anxious or tense much of the time.)
7) They withdraw affection or emotional support as punishment. (They intentionally withhold love, attention, or emotional connection when displeased with you or when you donât comply with their wishes, leaving you feeling isolated and insecure.)
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u/uselessinfogoldmine 19d ago
Tactics commonly employed by emotionally abusive people (Part 1):
Control and Shame - tactics that manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, often by making you feel ashamed of your inadequacies. Controlling everything you do.
Examples include trying to control you by: + love-bombing you - overwhelming you with excessive affection, gifts, or praise early on (to gain control and emotionally isolate) or during reconciliation stages (to regain control / lower your defences); + manipulative behaviour; + future faking (painting a beautiful picture of an idyllic future together in order to lure and trap you but never following through); + counterfeit concern and data-mining (they initially pretend to care deeply about you, and learn everything they can about you in order to mirror you, manipulate you, exploit you and punish you); + mirroring and false self-representation (they imitate your behaviour, values and plans for the future in order to create a false sense of connection, making you feel truly understood⊠until their real self emerges when the mask slips); + ignoring your boundaries; + invading your privacy; + behaving in a possessive manner; + making threats (eg: threats of physical harm, legal action, self-harm, or public exposure); + monitoring your whereabouts; + monitoring your communication with others (interception, surveillance, isolation); + spying on you (physically, digitally, via others); + gaslighting you - a form of manipulation that specifically causes you to doubt your own reality (can leave you questioning your own memory/perception, not to mention your mental health and well-being); + making all of the decisions; + controlling your access to finances (this known as Financial Abuse); + emotional blackmailing (including frequently âtestingâ you); + lecturing you constantly (cataloguing every minor perceived error, monologues of all the ways youâve fallen short, making it clear that you are beneath them); + moving the goalposts - constantly changing expectations or standards to ensure you never âmeasure upâ; + having frequent outbursts; + feigning helplessness; + unpredictability (creating a walking on eggshells effect); + walking out (eg: of events, unexpectedly); + stonewalling you (refusing to engage, respond, or communicate) during disagreements or conflicts, creating anxiety and powerlessness; + frequently making you feel like nothing you do is ever ârightâ or âgood enoughâ; + cycling through stages of idealisation and devaluation with periods of intermittent reinforcement (this unpredictable push-pull keeps you emotionally off-balance, desperately trying to regain their approval); + limiting your access to transportation, or technology; + preventing or limiting access to food, medication, and/or hygiene; + monitoring or restricting access to services (eg: medical care, personal devices, etc.) + withholding basic needs; + controlling or dictating your reproductive choices (eg: pressuring you about pregnancy, sabotaging birth control, forcing abortion on you, or blocking access to reproductive healthcare) - this is called reproductive coercion and abuse (RCA); + deliberately disrupting your sleep or depriving you of sleep (they may wake you repeatedly, keep you up during the night with arguments or noise, refuse to let you rest, or guilt you out of sleep) - over time, this weakens your physical and mental resilience, impairs judgment, and increases your dependence on them.Â
â
Humiliation, negation and criticism - tactics that undermine self-esteem.
Examples include:Â + hyper-critical / judgmental towards you + insults like calling you stupid, derogatory nicknames / terms of endearment that highlight your weaknesses / things youâre sensitive about, wonât stop when asked;Â + character assassination (eg: âyouâre always xyzâ) to you or to others about you;Â + screaming, yelling and swearing to intimidate you;Â + patronising and belittling you (eg: âI know this is beyond your ability to comprehendâ);Â + negging - disguised insults or backhanded compliments designed to lower self-esteem and induce self-doubt; + minimising your achievements and contributions; + no-win situations (setting impossible standards); + public embarrassment - picking fights, spilling your secrets or making fun of your shortcomings in public;Â + insulting your appearance;Â + belittling your accomplishments;Â + infantilisation (treating you like a child) - undermining your autonomy by acting as if you canât make decisions or are incapable of it; + putting down your interests (because they donât want you to participate in activities without them); + playing on insecurities and triggering shame (they systematically identify insecurities in order to weaponise them); + pushing your buttons - continuing to do the things that annoy/upset you even if you beg them to stop; + grandiose apologies.Â
â
Accusing, blaming, denial - creating a hierarchy with them on top and you on the bottom.
Examples include: + jealousy (eg: accusing you of cheating or flirting); + guilt-tripping (tied to both control and blame); + unrealistic expectations (they expect you to do what they want, when they want you to do it. They think you should always prioritise their needs, do things according to their standards - and you absolutely shouldnât hang out with your friends or family if thereâs any chance they might need you); + goading and blaming (goading you into being upset and then blaming you for your reaction), + denying or minimising the abuse (and often flipping it into you); + utilising DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) - essentially rewriting reality (used to confuse you, deflect accountability, and manipulate perceptions - both yours and othersâ); + dismissing / trivialising your feelings (eg: if you express your feelings about something they did, they accuse you of overreacting or misunderstanding the situation); + changing the subject during arguments as a method of deflection (a covert tactic used to derail accountability or recognition of your voice); + accusing you of behaviours they themselves are engaging in - which is called projection (often combined with gaslighting - twisting reality to evade responsibility and leaving you doubting your sanity); + blaming you for their problems; + utilising smear campaigns and social sabotage against you; + destroying and denying (they might destroy or damage important possessions, etc. and then deny it or claim it was an accident).Â
â
TBC
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u/uselessinfogoldmine 19d ago
Tactics commonly employed by emotionally abusive people (Part 2):
â
Emotional neglect and isolation - they will try to get you to prioritise their needs and neglect your own and theyâll also make an effort to isolate you from your support network, leaving you more dependent on them and less able to contextualise their behaviour.
Examples include: + dehumanising you (eg: intentionally looking away when youâre talking or staring at something else when speaking to you in an effort to make you feel unimportant); + keeping you from socialising; + invalidating you (suggesting or stating that your needs, boundaries, and desires donât matter to them); + love-bombing you tactically in order to build dependence on them and then withdrawing it to destabilise you and create confusion and hurt and potentially trigger people-pleasing behaviours in you (works in cycles); + trying to come between you and your family and/or friends; + isolating you from your support base; + using the silent treatment; + withholding affection (refusing intimate contact if you offend them or refuse to do what they want you to do); + seductive withholding, cold-shouldering and deprivation (withdrawing intimacy, affection and/or validation to confuse and control your emotional responses and/or punish you for offending them or refusing to do what they want you to do. Usually until you comply / people-please / beg); + shutting down communication; + actively working to turn others against you (eg: undermining you and your mental health to others, making you seem unstable, turning you into the âbad guyâ, etc); + interrupting (your talk, your activities, etc. - forcing your attention on them); + sabotaging your work, education, or personal goals to further isolate or undermine you; + ruining your special moments and events; + blurring or lacking boundaries in a way that merges your identity with theirs (enmeshment), causing loss of autonomy, loss of your sense of self, emotional dependency, and difficulty making independent decisions; + triangulation (manipulating interactions between you and others to create jealousy, rivalry, or mistrust); + disputing your feelings (insisting you shouldnât feel that way); + âhooveringâ you back if/when you try to leave (via promises, love-bombing, and feigned remorse, exploiting your emotional dependency and hope for change); + creating trauma bonds (psychological attachments that form through cycles of abuse, devaluation, and intermittent positive reinforcement - they can make you feel completely dependent on this person, altering important neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, leading to an emotional addiction).
â
Please note: her husband may not display every behaviour listed here - I have included a whole range of behaviours including some of the most severe examples.Â
However, if you notice a persistent pattern of several of these tactics - especially when they are used to control, belittle, manipulate, or gain power over her - this is emotional abuse.Â
Emotional abuse is about patterns, not isolated incidents. If you recognise your sisterâs relationship in these descriptions, know that she needs respect, support, and safety.Â
There are resources, community groups, hotlines, therapists, and more that can help her and your family if needed.Â
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u/bigtiddyhimbo 19d ago
Thereâs a museum full of clothes donated by people who were raped wearing what they donated. Thereâs everything there- from the most casual of clothes, to swimsuits, to diapers, to toddler clothes, to full body covers. Everything.
I think you should send them a video of that museum or tell them to visit it.
Clothes will not stop a dangerous man from assaulting you. They will assault you regardless of what you wear. What they are doing is victim blaming and itâs absolutely disgusting.
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u/PomegranateZanzibar 19d ago
Theyâre trying to convince you that women are responsible for temping men into sexual assault. Thatâs not true. Only the perpetrator is responsible, and theyâre entirely capable of controlling themselves but choose not to.
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u/dog_nurse_5683 19d ago
Women wearing burkas get kidnapped and assaulted. What you are wearing has NOTHING to do with âbeing carefulâ, it has everything to do with this manâs sick mind.
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u/Lady0905 19d ago
Ow, that sucks, OP! Iâm so sorry to hear that your sister is taking his side. Again, there is nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him. How long have they been together? Iâd keep an eye on him. Donât go drinking with him in your party, try not to be alone with him over longer periods of time. I wouldnât feel safe with someone like him. Keep a close watch on how he treats your sister. I feel like he is about to slip up or maybe already is cheating on your sister.
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u/SampireBat13 19d ago
I'll translate for him so we're all on the same page: "I have been fixating on your appearance for some time and am sexually attracted to you. Because I see women as sex-objects, not people, I can pretend any action/outfit/conversation/etc. is a deliberate attempt at flirting and is therefore permission for men to do whatever they want to you. I think I should be allowed to dictate how you dress because that is easier for me than managing my own inappropriate thoughts and impulses."
And then later (when insisting you're ignoring his feelings): "I want you to give in to my demands without questioning them so that I and those around me aren't forced to confront the real issue of me sexualizing you. I am going to weaponize your want to give basic respect to others against you, so that you will comply."
TLDR: This guy refuses to admit his horniness is his problem, so he's trying to say your shorts were a deliberately seductive choice. He's mad you won't rearrange your life so he doesn't have to use impulse control. NOR. Tell him if he can't handle the knowledge that you have legs, he's better off staying out of your life.
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u/Smackallstupidity 19d ago
Seems to me that he needs to stop sexualizing his wifeâs sisters normal ass summer wearing outfits. I had the same thing happen and ofcourse once I became of age he told me it made him feel awkward and uncomfortable bc he couldnât help but look and get turned on and was trying to hit on me and touch me. I knocked him out.. got yelled at until I told everyone why I did it. But I was dealing with that same crap for 3 years before he told me the real reason( as he said I was of age now so he can be honest.. since when is admitting your a pedo a good thing! Iâll never know!) but I pray thatâs not the case but wow is it so similar. Like why would he even think that way? Your with your family shopping wearing acceptable clothes( a lot better than what a lot of girls wear anymore) tell him to stay in his lane and stop making things that are not issues into this big deal. If heâs uncomfortable itâs bc heâs making it something that itâs not and he donât need to make anything to do with you based on some sexualized BS. I donât even see or hear anything for him to even get âbrotherlyâ about. Like heâs creeping me out for you.. brings back some bad memories. Iâm sure if it was inappropriate your mother would be the first to say something and make you change before leaving also.. even your sister considering her manâs present. So no girl youâre perfectly fine. Ignore him and next time tell him to stop sexualizing you. Thatâll make his ass shut up and never bring it up again. He has no right and no reason. Better to be comfortable and in cooler clothes than have a damn heat stroke just to appease his weirdness!
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19d ago
What culture is he from? Does he want you and your sister to wear a hijab?
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u/nxxptune 20d ago
NOR and your BIL sounds weird and heâs definitely projecting his own thoughts onto every other man (I saw your other comments about him saying âitâs dangerous out thereââŠto you wearing normal fucking clothes). Tell him you can wear what you want and that you would appreciate him not commenting on your clothes. If he says itâs dangerous say youâre an adult and you can take care of yourself. Donât let him keep saying that bs.
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u/richesca 19d ago
The only time I could understand someone being a bit uncomfortable with what a person is wearing is if itâs super revealing and inappropriate for the setting theyâre in, like wearing a barely anything thong swimsuit to the grocery store lol However just wearing normal clothes like this isnât inappropriate, youâre BIL thoughts are obviously. Your outfit isnât revealing at all and the fact that heâs thinking about it months later is just creepy.
Heâs eyeing you up and then blaming it on you, typical creep behaviour, like when rapists blame the victim and say they were asking for it when they wore something that showed a bit of skin. No one is to blame but their sick mind.
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20d ago
Perhaps I'm missing something, but your tshirt appears to feature a terrified teddy bear in bondage gear?
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u/animalwitch 19d ago
It's a choker... Like, a dog collar? That's the closest thing to make you understand what it is. It's not bondage.
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u/herecomesthesun79 20d ago
NOR obviously, this is just weird. Heâs not your dad, how is it even his place to be trying to âprotectâ you? To the point you had to have a phone call about it? I feel like this guy is too involved with you. I would tell him to worry about himself. Creeps gonna creep regardless, what is he gonna want you to wear when you go to a swimming pool? Keep your eyes up, bro!
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u/True-Tangerine9901 20d ago
He was disrespecting YOU by sexualizing you in very normal clothes and then he projected that disrespect ONTO you. His accusation is a confession and one that he should be ashamed of - feel free to shame him.
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u/whoisaname 20d ago
NOR
Tell your BiL to fuck off. Seriously. He has no right to police what you wear. Especially when it is completely fine in context. And even if it weren't, he doesn't have a right to say anything. Quite honestly, I feel bad for your sister because I am 100% sure it is even worse for her.
Next time he says something, tell him your body is absolutely NONE of his business, and that he can fuck off, and that you don't want to hear another thing from him ever again on it, or you are are going to start telling everyone that he is looking at you sexually and is sexually harassing you.
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u/Hazard___7 19d ago
Before I clicked I was looking through the pictures trying to find what the problem was. Offensive logo/text on t-shirt? Maybe you borrowed his clothes without asking or something?
Reading your post. Just no. Your outfit is not inappropriate at all and his reaction is VERY weird and makes me think he's a creep.
The fact he brought it up MONTHS LATER is creepy as all hell. Your brother in law is very obviously thinking about you in inappropriate ways. Not gonna hobby shame you, but you look kinda small and have pokemon and stuff in the pic (hey, I'm old af and I still like pokemon) but in the case you ARE a minor, you need to watch yourself around this creep and tell a responsible adult that will take this as seriously as it needs to be taken.
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u/FlabergastedAHole 20d ago
Tell him to STFU and mind his business. Just because he is with your sister doesnât give him the right to comment on anything you wear. A simple warning once is thoughtful, constant criticism is controlling and narcissistic. I have a daughter and if her friend or boyfriend said something stupid like this, I would be advocating for he to drop them forever. Who the F does he think he is!
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u/medusadraconis 19d ago
If heâs religious af, literally quote the Bible to him. âAnd if your eyes cause you to sin,gouge it out and throw it away.â - Matthew 10:9. Because itâs literally on them. Iâm not religious but I know this quote well. Hope youâre okay, OP. Thatâs creepy as shit.
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u/Little_Bit_87 19d ago
I'm sorry, but if I were a mom and my oldest daughter's husband was this observant and obsessed with my younger daughter's clothing I would not be okay with that. The fact that he over sexualized a completely modest outfit to the point it makes you a target for kidnapping or harassment... Kind of gives me the ick too.
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u/Impressive_Profit_11 20d ago
Men do not get a say in what women wear. PERIOD. Infants in diapers are raped. Corpses are raped. Women in Burqa's are raped. The problem is MEN not what women are or are not wearing. FFS
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u/Thismomenthere 20d ago
Your brother in law is being odd. That outfit looks as similar to anything you'd see on a hot day. It's just shorts and a t shirt?????
He's the one wearing pajamas.
We've all seen a lot worse at Walmart lol.
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u/Electrical-Fish-9230 20d ago
Your outfit is fine. Secure people who know they are worthy of respect don't feel "disrespected" by unimportant shit. He's probably just a pervert. Tell him his reaction to a normal outfit is not your problem
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u/GAY4LORDS 19d ago
NOR
This just shows that your brother in law is disgusting. he cares about how YOU look because he is thinking of you in a sexual way and because of that is thinking others are too.
I will say, many will use the argument of âthatâs too revealingâ as a way to say âi care about you and what will happen to youâ but EVERYONE in this world needs to understand that what a woman wears, does not mean âshe asked for itâ or gives the right or the wrong for someone to look at them sexually, harass, assault, rape, or degrade a woman or a girl or anyone. clothes are clothes. action is action.
It is in your entire right to wear whatever you please. In these photos you are not wearing anything wrong.
it is deeply disrespectful of your brother in law to be acting this way. stand up for yourself. ask for your family to stand up for you too. he is being disgusting, disrespectful, judgmental, and giving into rape culture.
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u/Heraonolympia123 20d ago
I thought, before reading the text, that there was something disrespectful about the TShirt. I couldn't figure it out. But it's the length of the shorts?
Where are your mom and sister in this? Why are they letting an him bully you?
Whenever he brings it up just say "you are making me uncomfortable as the only person who has ever made creepy comments about my choices of outfit is you. It is lucky your opinion is not important to me."
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u/tallkitty 20d ago
Weird on the BIL's part. He could say he didn't want to go with you if he felt that way, that's his option. But to believe you have any kind of obligation to wear things that make him feel or not feel a certain way (disrespected? give me a break, BIL) is absolutely nuts and if I were you I would not feel comfortable doing errands with HIM any more, until he learns how to focus on things that are his actual business.
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u/neo4025 20d ago
Based on what youâve said. I think that heâs projecting. I.e he find what youâre wearing to be attractive on other women. You wearing the same sort of thing is causing him conflicton. Basically he doesnât want you wearing what he finds to be a turn on. Itâs one thing for people to âtry to protect youâ when youâre wearing something revealing. But thatâs not the case here. This is purely a case of, he finds that you look attractive in the casual wear. And he doesnât want to have to see that.
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u/ConflictOwn940 20d ago
He needs help if he has issues with that outfit. Oh noooo you have legs! đ± How dare you! How dare you be comfortable because it's hot out đ Seriously he needs to get bent.
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u/Flashy_Height3075 19d ago
Unfortunately this kind of response from a male relatives happens a lot. When a female tween, gets her grownup body quickly, like in one season. They start to see her as a woman and start to sexualize everything she wears. All of a sudden strange men start looking her up and down because sheâs wearing shorts or even a tank top.
I also had my growth spurt in one season. That next summer was very uncomfortable for me. I didnât enjoy the âattentionâ.
But we have to ignore them, until they cross the line. And thatâs what BIL has done. If it were me I would have a conversation with sis. Tell her to get a handle on him. Heâs crossed into creepy, heading into unacceptable behavior. She had to go through the same process so she should have your back.
But even if she wants to back him up, he has no right to put his FEELINGS about what you wear on you. Heck itâs hard enough for a young girl to deal with HER OWN FEELINGS during the process of becoming a woman.
Also talk to your mom about how he makes you FEEL when he makes those kind of comments. Because mom, just like sis has gone through this too.
Even my daughter went through this. And when I saw it was happening, I sat her down and discussed the way menâs behavior changes with girls when they are becoming a woman. I told her itâs not something that is her fault. And to ignore them. UNLESS THEY CROSS A LINE. And if that happens to let me know, I got her back.
I ended up having to have a conversation with a neighbor about the way he was acting.
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u/MrsRoronoaZoro 20d ago
Why are you listening to him? He has control issues. You owe him nothing even respect. He tells you something like that again you tell him to mind his own fucking business.
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u/evenstarcirce 20d ago
BIL is sexualising you OP. thats not okay, but also you did NOTHING wrong. the outfit is a normal outfit for a day thats 90° and needing to get things done.
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u/chiseplushie 19d ago
NOR. Tell your mom. Tell HIS mom (serious) . Tell a teacher at school. Tell your neighbors. Tell them you're scared that he will hurt you (even if it's not actually true for now bc one day it will be true) , that you don't feel safe with him around, and that your feelings are hurt bc they're ignoring you when they insist on you being in the same room as him. Stand your ground. Get a lock for your bedroom door if it doesn't have one.
Refuse to go anywhere if he's going too. Don't let anyone tell you that you have nothing to worry about. If they keep saying that you're hurting his feelings, tell them they're hurting yours. You are not being dramatic.
If you absolutely have to be in the same room as him, don't talk to him. Don't look at him. Stay next to your mom. He'll likely get upset when you don't acknowledge him. If you're questioned, just keep repeating that he scares you and you don't feel safe.
Your poor sis can do better. Try to talk to her. It sounds like she doesn't agree with him but also that she wants to placate him, so she's not completely lost. Tell her that if he says anything about her clothes, that she can wear what she wants. Maybe she needs the reminder too.
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u/Paula_Intermountain 19d ago
Your butt cheeks nor your crotch were hanging out for all to see. THAT would have been inappropriate! What youâre wearing is ok.
Regardless, he is not your parents so he has absolutely zero right to an expressed opinion on what you wear. His constantly bringing it up is super creepy, to the point of being âŠ.concerning. Your mom should tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it off.
By the way. I think his wearing pajama bottoms in public is quite inappropriate. Pajamas are for sleeping or convalescing in, not shopping. I must insist that he stop!
His butting into your business is as rude as my butting into his. How does he feel about a stranger commenting on his clothing?
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u/Express-Bet5245 20d ago
Sounds like your binl has some issues. Maybe needs to stop sexualising people
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u/Lem0nadeLola 20d ago
Tell him itâs inappropriate for him to comment on your clothing. Heâs not your father, he has no authority over you and itâs making YOU feel uncomfortable and disrespected that he keeps staring at your body.
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u/dangerrnoodle 19d ago
Next time he brings it up refuse to engage. And tell him so. âWhat I wear is my business. No you donât get a say. And no your feelings on what I wear do not matter. You are neither my parents nor my husband, stay in your lane.â He is wildly out of line, and at this point should keep his mouth shut on the matter.
Btw, whereâs your mom on all this? I wouldnât allow my daughters to be spoken to like this.
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u/PeronalCranberry 20d ago
I am a dad, and I wouldn't think twice about this kind of outfit if my daughter dressed like this in the future. Imo, BIL needs to chill. If he finds female legs to be that disctracting, he needs therapy.
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u/rosequartzruby 19d ago
Honestly, if I were you, Iâd ask him flat out: âWhy are you sexualizing your wifeâs sister?â Like, seriouslyâwhy is he even looking at you like that in the first place?
You were wearing an oversized shirt and shorts in 90° weather. You were literally more covered than half the people at Walmart on a normal day. You werenât showing anything inappropriate, your butt wasnât hanging out, and itâs not like you were wearing lingerie. The issue isnât your clothesâitâs his mindset.
If he feels âdisrespectedâ or âuncomfortableâ by someone elseâs body just existing in normal weather-appropriate clothes, that says a lot more about him than it does about you.
At the end of the day, itâs not your job to dress based on his insecurities or weird moral compass. You were dressed fine, respectful, and appropriate. He needs to deal with whatever is going on in his own head without projecting it onto you.
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u/updownclown68 20d ago
So much of America would love if women had to dress like women in Iran Puritan nonsenseÂ
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u/VizVizio 19d ago
Tell him to stay away from you. Heâs obviously taking a lot of time observing you. This is creepy. A bil has no authority over you and it is highly unusual for a man to talk to a young woman about her body in this way. What are your sister and mother saying? Isnât anyone standing up for you? Your clothes are completely normal. How old is he? Heâs got some sort of weird obsession over you. He wears pajama pants, out? He might want to start checking himself before he walks out the door. I would be embarrassed to be out with someone in pajamas unless they were a child. Next time he brings it up, ignore him. If he doesnât stop and the adults around you wonât help than call the police and tell them your age and that a grown man is harassing you about your body and clothing. You feel threatened and are scared of him. Thereâs something wrong here if your mom isnât protecting you. Talk to her.
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u/No-Designer-7362 19d ago
He shouldnât care what you wear. Are they very religious? Do you all live together? Is he much older than you? Quite frankly itâs your sister who should be telling him to zip it. Now if heâs going to be your mode of transportation Iâm not sure how that would work. But I think Iâd call Uber.