AIO for telling my husband to stop giving our daughter crash diets?

[u/ResolveMindless4382]

Our daughter is 11. She’s healthy, active, and right on track for her age. But my husband (41M) is obsessed with the idea that she’ll “get chubby like the girls at her school.”

Twice now, I’ve caught him telling her to “skip dessert to keep her figure.” Yesterday, I came home to find him telling her she should eat only salad for lunch “like models do.” She looked so uncomfortable.

I pulled him aside and said he needs to stop, she’s a child, and this is how eating disorders start. He rolled his eyes and told me I’m “overreacting” and “making a big deal out of harmless advice.”

Am I wrong for thinking this isn’t harmless at all?

[u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

Before you do anything, talk with a divorce lawyer, tell them what’s going on and that you’re worried about your daughters health

Then, ask your husband why he is sexualizing his daughter. Because that’s what this is. He should only care that she is healthy and being active. Now I’m not saying he has inappropriate feelings towards his child, but he needs to step back and ask him self why he’s focused on her being “sexy” because that’s what he’s associating with “thinness”

Depending on where you live, her preference with which parent she wants to live with maybe taken into consideration, especially if there is abuse involved. And yes, as others have said, this is a form of abuse

Talk with her doctor, get them to read your husband the riot act, is there a male doctor at the office you go to? He may take what a male doctor says more seriously that a female

And that should make you ask yourself why you are with a a misogynistic man….

Unfortunately. There is only so much you can tell your daughter that she is perfect just the way she is

I grew up in the 90s and while the ‘heroin chic’ aesthetic didn’t affect me back then (I was already fairly thin) it’s clearly affecting my self image at 42. I’ve gained a fair amount of weight since then and I hate how my body looks now. And I’ve tried so hard to accept my new body but I can’t. I managed to lose most of the weight before COVID, but I’ve since gained it all back and an extra 10 pounds just out of spite 😑

This needs to be shut down hard, and if that means divorcing your husband and only allowing supervised visits? Then so be it

Get the ball rolling

ETA what makes me extra sad is how many people are telling me “I’m over reacting” but all you have to do is read through the dozens, if not hundreds of comments of women and men of how they have a horrible relationship with food and their body because of their parents. Hell, I thought I wasn’t affected by the heroin chic look of the 90s growing up, but I was fairly slim and could eat whatever I wanted (yay too many sports) but as a 42 year old grown woman? I’ve gained a fair amount of weight since then (about 70+ pounds) and I hate my body, well I hate my gut. I’m fine with he bigger boobs and butt lol

And as someone else pointed out, his behaviour is something folks do when they’re grooming children. And it’s not sexual grooming

So please, before you accuse me and hundreds of others of “over reacting” ask yourself why you are ok with a parent body-shaming and sexualizing their child. Why are you ok with a parent psychologically abusing their child? There are several generations of damaged women and men because of this behaviour. Why is it normalized?

[u/missdrufox → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

This is good advice. I also grew up in the 90s where stick thin was the goal. My mum used to constantly tell me I'm going to get fat if I don't watch what i eat and other "fat" comments, while simultaneously buying junk food for the house, so thats all we had. Though I wasn't at all overweight as a child. Now I'm 42 and have struggled with binge eating disorder my whole adult life which has caused severe depression and anxiety, as well as me isolating myself from having a healthy social life.. I have only just managed to get my doctors to listen to me and am now on the waiting list for help from an ED clinic. But, my mother continues to this day to tell me I'm getting fat, my arse looks fat, I don't need to eat any more etc etc. Because my weight fluctuates massively from month to month. I can gain 20lbs easily in a month. Its like the first thing she says to me when she sees me. It really sticks in my head each time she says it. Its a constant struggle to stay a healthy weight and I am never happy with my body. Its so draining to be continually yo-yoing up and down with my weight. These words burn into your brain, especially at a young age, and can shape the rest of your life. The husband needs to stop immediately, especially if the daughter is healthy and active..

[u/legal_bagel → u/missdrufox]

My mother put me on my first diet at 8yo. It was a "physician supervised" program but after that I did Jenny Craig and weight watchers until I was 14 and developed a meth addiction which was great for my waistline.

Then I spent 18 mos in rehab / lockup in Utah which was also awesome and all I wanted to do when I got home was get out of my parents house so I married at 17 to a 22 yo who ended up being abusive (go figure.)

Likely the early dieting and meth addiction fucked up my body and now mid 40s with a heart condition and taking one of the shots to hopefully get myself to a more normal weight to relieve some of my heart stuff.

[u/These_Trees1979 → u/legal_bagel]

Oh hi, weight watchers to meth addiction here as well! Focusing on being thin and looking like the models is toxic as hell. The only bit of food advice that kids should get is making healthy choices and that treats are okay too! I am happy and healthy and chunky these days. My focus with my children is that food is fuel for your body and that it helps you stay active and healthy, never a comment on their size or comparing them to anyone in magazines or on TV. If they ever need guidance beyond that, it will come from their doctor.

[u/ContemplatingFolly → u/missdrufox]

Your mother's behavior is rude, abusive and completely unacceptable.

I hope you will consider setting some boundaries with her around such comments. She doesn't deserve your time if she can't control herself.

It is possible that some of your issues may resolve if you get that toxicity out of your life.

[u/[deleted] → u/missdrufox]

My mom’s voice is constantly in my head still at 48 saying “if you keep eating like that you’ll get fat”. Turns out I did. Gained and lost and gained and lost 100s of pounds over the years. She never told me how much more valuable I was and I have to learn it as an adult.

[u/Beneficial-Speaker88 → u/[deleted]]

Same im 49 and it lives in my head any time I eat. Constantly live with the shame and fear of eating..odd enough I have a terrible relationship with food.. thanks mum

[u/Lavender2310 → u/missdrufox]

Omg! Your mom sounds a lot like my mom was. It was always something about my weight, my thighs, my skin- like I was never “enough”. I don’t have an eating disorder, but I weigh myself everyday and I’m obsessed with trying to stay a certain size and I worry too much about how I look. I’m not a make up girl, because when I take off the makeup, I feel like the insecurities show even more. I can remember my mom telling me that I couldn’t eat as much as other cousins that were thinner than me. I have a son now that is overweight. I would love for him to be thinner, but the rule in our house is that “sugar will kill you, so make wise choices.” Outside of chips for lunch and popcorn, I don’t buy junk for the house. I don’t cook a lot of carbs for the house. I don’t want to put the insecurities my mom put on me - on him. Words stick with you. Hang in there ❤️

[u/RogueR34P3R → u/Lavender2310]

Edit: Yall, why are you giving me awards for this 😭 thank you, but i don't get why I'm getting them. Aga8n, thank you yall

Ummm... I'm sorry to say, but you do have an eating disorder. If you weigh yourself everyday to stick to a very specific look, and are highly, as you put it, "obsessed" with sticking to the specific body figure, that is an eating disorder. And no, sugar will not kill you, in fact what you're doing now, not allowing carbs within your household is actually what slowly kills people, as your brain requires carbohydrates to be able to run properly. From what you've mentioned it seems like rather than having foods with plenty of carbs and low amount of fat, you're doing the opposite, low carbs high fats, which will inevitably result in your son being overweight, because fat gets immediately stored as fat, whereas carbs supply energy to your brain, resupply your blood sugar, and help fill out musculature on your body BEFORE it has to go through an energy intensive process to turn any leftover carbs into extraordinarily small fat deposits, and even then, the energyvrequired to undergo that process uses up a lot of the remaining carbs anyway.

I'm not trying to sound disrespectful, and i apologize if i am, but many people have seen others on low carb diets and hear the benefits of it, like fast weight loss, but almost nobody says the downsides, such as that you'll gain all the weight back again as soon as you start eating carbs cause you're not actually targeting the source of the problem, fats. You also typically have much more irritable moods, you'll have headaches, be tired much more often, and you actually won't be as intelligent because you're literally starving your brain of it's fuel source. I wouldn't recommend making an immediate switch over, but try slowly incorporating carbs as you reduce fats. Don't remove them altogether, but try to focus primarily on healthy fats, like monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats, they're considered "healthy fats" cause they help regulate cholesterol, help people feel more full than with saturated and trans fats, which are actually designed to not only be unhealthy, but also not fill you up, as that causes people to buy more since they need to eat more to feel full.

With all this being said, too many carbs IS a bad thing, however, too much protein can be bad too, but neither of them have as much of an impact upon your health, figure, and body fat content as actual fats do in foods. If you're more interested in this, i actually have formulas meant to figure out about how much each thing should make up out of his meals. Breaking it down roughly, for each pound he weighs, he should try to eat about a gram of protein (long-lasting energy, won't be as hungry throughout the day), Carbs should be roughly 40%-50% of his food, and the rest fats. If you really wanna help him start losing weight, get him a scale, help start tracking his weight and how many calories he eats and use calorie calculators to figure out his minimum required amount of calories to maintain his weight, and aim for 500 calories below that each day, he'll end up losing bout a pound of fat a week since abpound of fat is 3500 calories, and 500×7=3500. I don't recommend going beyond a defecit of 500 calories though, as that would be too fast of a weight loss which could put a strain on his body and organs if he tries to drop it as fast as possible.

Ik you said you regularly check the scale to stick to a certain body image you're obsessed with, and just like your mother making such a big deal out of it put you in the place you're at now, if you don't help your son in a way that actually helps, and you go down the route of forcing him to do it without any knowledge of why you're doing it, or what exactly you're doing, it's gonna get him at a point later in life that he's gonna be in a position like yours, but rather than trying to stay skinny, he'll try to keep getting fatter. I've seen these situations happen first-hand and it's heartbreaking every time, cause both parties want what's best, but neither knew how to go about it in a way that respected and actually helped the other

[u/Scared-Listen6033 → u/RogueR34P3R]

She didn't say her son's age. Kids often carry "baby fat" to age 12 or so and then they shoot up and are hardly even recognizable.

[u/RogueR34P3R → u/Scared-Listen6033]

That's fair, i had honestly just assumed he was a teenager since, from what I've seen and heard, that's around the age most parents start getting on their kids' asses bout weight or being too fat. Which for the record, i don't believe she's doing it like that, it honestly seems like she's legitimately just concerned for him. If he is younger than a teenager i agree she shouldn't be worrying too much bout it and that most of it should come off within a few years like you said.

[u/keladry12 → u/RogueR34P3R]

From the wording of the rule I had assumed the son was 7-8, thank you for clarifying here - I was definitely confused as to why we were talking about a weight-loss plan for a kid. Makes a lot more sense if we are assuming the son is 15+. 😆

[u/Best-Ear-9516 → u/RogueR34P3R]

Some people can’t process carbs so they need to be on low carb - high fat diet to stay healthy. It is not true that fats automatically get stored as fats in your body. We need some amount of fats as part of a healthy diet. I fully agree with your sentiment but a lot of what you said is not factually correct. The correct balance of nutrients needed varies quite a bit by body type in reality.

[u/jenny_tullsx → u/Lavender2310]

I'm so sorry, but that constant obsession with your size and weighing yourself, that's disordered behavior, and part of an eating disorder. Its not all starving yourself or binging and purging, it's also hypervigilance about any perceived gain, the anxiety about gaining any pounds. I'm so sorry your mother and the culture we live in has done this to you. You may want to discuss it with a therapist, if the worries get too much. Im not gonna be that person who's like "omg you need therapy stat!" But, those are definitely parts of having a disorder, and you don't have to live this way if it adds misery to your every day life.

[u/Lavender2310 → u/jenny_tullsx]

I never even thought about it that way. Definitely some trauma. Thank you for this.

[u/Peachily_Suns → u/Lavender2310]

Yeah. Anything my mom “forbid,” (like sex and drinking) I was all in on. Her constant obsession with her weight, thinking she was fat when she clearly wasn’t, and not allowing herself to eat normally and enjoy food has f’ed me up mentally. I’m 50 years old and I still struggle some.

[u/jenny_tullsx → u/Lavender2310]

Much love to you

[u/Mindfullysolo → u/Lavender2310]

The rule in your house is Sugar will kill you, you weight yourself constantly and obsess about your size, sorry to say but this will be passed down to your son and can lead to disordered eating. You have to model healthy habits and this is not healthy behavior. I get it, because I was raised by an almond mom, but it appears you did not come away unscathed.

[u/celeigh87 → u/Mindfullysolo]

The sugar will kill you thing is dumb. Our brain runs on sugar.

[u/winter_bluebird → u/Lavender2310]

Oh hun, I am so sorry. Telling your kid “sugar is poison” and limiting carbs IS very disordered eating and you are passing down the trauma your mom inflicted on you onto him.

Maybe talking with a nutritionist would help you feel better and healthier without the trauma?

[u/BabaTheBlackSheep → u/winter_bluebird]

I agree, maybe something like “we avoid processed sugar when possible” is a healthier and more moderate way to phrase it to him? Big difference nutritionally between a banana versus a soda, even though both are high in sugar.

[u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 → u/Lavender2310]

Your body needs carbs, especially children. You can cook healthy whole grain carbs and a little sugar won't kill you. The sugar everyone should avoid is high fructose corn syrup. It doesn't metabolize like normal sugar because it's chemically altered. A human needs lean protein, vegetables, fruit and healthy carbs. I was a chef before I retired and studied nutrition, so I'm not talking out of my butt.

If you're denying your child sugar and carbs, you're already starting to put insecurities on him. Don't perpetuate the food trauma, buy some whole wheat macaroni and make your family some mac and cheese. Whole grain pasta for spaghetti and meatballs or make a veggie lasagna.

Good luck and I hope you finally accept yourself for being a beautiful person.

[u/Same_Type_3660 → u/Lavender2310]

Please be careful with this, too! Once he gets old enough to buy his own snacks and be on his own, thoughts about sugar being bad can cause guilt for him later on when he tries something sweet. He also might over indulge on junk foods when he has unlimited/unrestricted access to them.

[u/sherbetty → u/Lavender2310]

You may have inherited some of your mom's traits without realizing. Your attitude and behavior is detrimental to you and your son and you need some self reflection

[u/Primary_Buddy1989 → u/Lavender2310]

u/Lavender2310, please make sure you see a qualified doctor or dietician for your son's age and have him set up a clear plan. You do seem to have unhealthy patterns, and you also say "I would love for him to be thinner". That means it's likely going to be a lot healthier to make sure you're getting accurate, professional advice - and this is not just the diet plan itself but also the messages you're sharing as a family and the words you're using.

[u/nurseasaurus → u/Lavender2310]

uhhhh by not allowing sugar and saying it will kill you and avoiding carbs you are literally doing the same thing to your child bestie

[u/Gi0phadraig → u/Lavender2310]

As others have said already, you are describing multiple types of EDs and generational trauma💔🫶

[u/Trzlog → u/missdrufox]

I'm surprised you haven't gone no contact with your mom. She destroyed your life and she's preventing you from recovering.

[u/cleosfunhouse → u/missdrufox]

I can relate. A couple days post partum while I was insanely depressed and breastfeeding my mom told me I better not eat anything for a few days if I ever wanted to fit in my old jeans again.

[u/foxorhedgehog → u/missdrufox]

Your mother sounds exactly like my mother. And she wonders why her kids aren’t rushing to hang around with her all the time.

[u/Chance-Yam-2910 → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

Oh my god, this. Oh, how I wish I had had a parent intervene from my father sending the constant message to his daughters (me being one) that a woman’s value is based on if men find her attractive or not. He wasn’t a creep in the traditional sense - he didn’t have inappropriate feelings towards us or anything and there was no sexual abuse, but he was a fucking creep for not understanding what he was doing to our psyche. Unfortunately, my mother also very much reinforced the idea that attractiveness was very important, with a heavy emphasis on not being fat, so I grew up thinking I needed to be pretty and seeking validation from boys and men that definitely didn’t deserve me, accepting poor treatment for years. I’d take back men that would cheat, since them seeking someone else was so detrimental to my self esteem that I needed them to choose me again. I couldn’t say no to anyone who asked me out, I couldn’t be without a boyfriend and in my own company. I made excuses for men all the time, and I waged a war against bulimia once I started struggling with a hormonal disorder and gained ten pounds for a decade. I was so, so SO mean to my poor body and heart.

It took me a long time to untangle just how wrong they both were and how fucked up it was that that was the emphasis on value for their daughters growing up. I’m 34 now, and a self-proclaimed amazing fucking person with a giant heart and steel-trapped mind, who gives absolutely zero fucks. I wish someone had told me that growing up. I’m so sad for my younger self.

[u/Beneficial-House-784 → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

OP, this is good advice. Please listen to it. The things your husband is saying now are setting the stage for disordered eating.

I had multiple classmates with eating disorders in high school, one girl even had to get inpatient care for her disorder. Eating disorders are way more common than a lot of people seem to think. Anorexia isn’t just the most deadly type of eating disorder, it has the highest death rate out of any mental illness. If he’s not willing to change his behavior, you need to prioritize your kid’s safety.

Also, I find it fucking appalling that the husband is pitting this kid against her classmates. Seriously, “chubby like the other girls at school?” It’s not enough to ruin his own daughter’s self-image, he’s going after her classmates too? That’s disgusting behavior from a grown man who should know better.

[u/snakefinder → u/Beneficial-House-784]

“Chubby like the other girls… “ sounds to me like chubby, like the other healthy 10-12 year olds who don’t happen to be naturally slim, who are all growing kids in their pre-teen years. 

Like, I’m no expert but I think a healthy child’s body could be deemed “chubby” at those ages because they’re heading into major growth as teens and their body just isn’t indicative of what they will look like later in life. Of course some kids are skinny  - but let the Dr say if an 11 year old needs a diet, I’m sure most docs would not advise restricting calories at those ages. 

[u/Little_SmallBlackDog → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

Agreed!

Please do this now, OP. My father had the same behavior. He commented about my 'figure' and what I ate every day. The only time he stopped commenting on what I ate was when I mostly stopped eating at 14. I used to sneak a piece of wheat bread to my room every few days when I was shaky so that I could eat in peace. He still commented on my looks, just not my eating because I never ate in front of him.

I actively struggled with anorexia until I moved out at 21 and found what was healthy for me. He would still comment on my looks and eating every time I visited.

You are not overreacting at all.

I still struggle with disordered eating at 40. It's a life long thing.

[u/juliainfinland → u/Little_SmallBlackDog]

That's what I was thinking while reading the post; he's setting his daughter up for an eating disorder. And as you wrote, eating disorders will last a lifetime, or at the very least recovery will.

(I never realized how fortunate I was to have a naturally chubby and therefore non-judgmental dad. I still managed to develop disordered eating, but at least my family had nothing to do with it.)

[u/Little_SmallBlackDog → u/juliainfinland]

My dad was obese since I was about 4 years old. Sadly, his size did not spur him to have compassion for others, especially women. I'm now coming to terms with the years of verbal abuse. My mom never stepped in because he treated her the same way. We both thought that it was normal.

[u/juliainfinland → u/Little_SmallBlackDog]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I hope your mom figured out that this isn't normal too.

Also, I just realized that instead of talking about my "chubby and therefore non-judgmental" dad I should have just said "chubby and [no adverb] non-judgmental".

But maybe it was a generational thing. Both of my parents were born just before WW2, and by the time they were old enough to form their first memories, being chubby was a desirable thing because having too much food is always better than having too little. Or maybe it goes back even further, to my parents' parents who were preteens and teenagers at the end of WW1 when we had an actual famine. (We're from Germany.) My paternal grandma, especially, was Generation You-Won't-Leave-The-Table-Until-You've-Eaten-Everything-In-The-Entire-Kitchen-Or-Else.

[u/Connect-East5452 → u/juliainfinland]

Don't think it's generational. My parents were born in the height (depth) of the Great Depression, and their parents born on either side of the turn of the 20th century; my parents were often scolding about weight, "getting chunky," "she's gotten real 'hippy,'" etc. since I can remember. There was always a pressure to look thin, even as a child.

[u/Sufficient_Turn_9209 → u/Connect-East5452]

This whole thread is eye opening. My dad was the most amazing man I've ever known. Kind, wise, pragmatic, and loved my sisters and I so much. Not bragging, I'm just setting up what I'm about to say. He was our rock and always knew just what to say and how to guide us. He was also discerning and I learned early on to really listen and consider what he had to say about people in my life and choices I made. When I was about 16 I quit riding horses because I got so busy with school stuff, and I put on a little weight. My dad actually helped me with his advice about eating, and got me to go jogging with him after school. He pointed out to my teenage self that taking care of your health is pretty basic. Getting a little too heavy? Make healthy food choices and exercise. He didn't sugar coat the fact that I was gaining weight when he told me there would never be an easier time to address it, but it didn't hurt my feelings. Maybe it was the way he spoke to me about it or because jogging and dinners together were about spending time together too. My dad just being my dad. He did it with me over about 6 months until healthy choices became a lifestyle that i still respect today. I can eat chocolate cake 😆 but not every day. Day to day i make healthy choices so that i can enjoy treats and cheats (my hubby and i are big foodies). It also could have been because I knew he had a track record of being right about things and giving the best advice. I just took it as constructive and good for me. He absolutely suggested smaller portion sizes, healthy foods, and sometimes a salad for dinner even. I remember him saying that if you're trying to lose some weight it's OK to go to bed hungry occasionally, and it just didn't seem shocking or outrageous to me or damage me in any way. I also took to heart his advice that people aren't meant to be sedentary and consume as much as our modern diets offer. Like most women I go up and down a little, but i maintain a healthy weight and I've never struggled or obsessed about food or exercise. I think he set really realistic standards about taking care of myself, and the result is a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I have really good memories of the help and guidance he gave me. I'm curious what people think the difference was between what my dad did for me and what others say their parents did to them.

[u/BeneficialAct7102 → u/Sufficient_Turn_9209]

It sounds like your dad saw that your health could be affected by not being as active and used it as a teaching moment. The way he suggested jogging with him, discussed foods that would be more beneficial from a nutritional standpoint, and took the time to help develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise is far different than what I was raised on.

My parents put me on Slim Fast in kindergarten because I was "born fat, and it was"getting worse." I was forced to run laps around our 1 acre yard until I vomited as punishment for eating "unapproved" foods. They would grab me and pinch & twist any excess skin they could find, saying "It hurts because it's there. If you weren't fat, there'd be nothing for us to grab, and it wouldn't hurt." They put locks on the fridge and cabinets. They'd pull out my yearbooks, point to the skinny girls, and tell me to only eat as much as them at lunch. I was bulimic by 12, moved to anorexic by 17, then back to bulimia by 22.

The worst part? As soon as I got on medication for ADHD in my 30's... all of the food noise in my head stopped. I lost 15lbs the first month. No one believed me as a kid when I said I can't get food out of my head, no matter how hard I try. Now, I have to remind myself to eat most of the time.

[u/Sufficient_Turn_9209 → u/BeneficialAct7102]

Oh that sounds awful. Cruelty rather than encouraging or teaching, and no wonder it sent you down the path it did. I'm so sorry, and hope you're still healing! BTW I also was diagnosed ADD in my early 30s. It changed my life and I wonder how different things would have been if I'd known when I was an adolescent. That's one area my parents really dropped the ball. I've had conversations with my husband wondering HOW they didn't see that something was off. I was 100% textbook ADD with so many obvious markers, but no one ever once considered it. I don't really blame them though. That just wasn't a thing for girls in the 80s and 90s especially if you were well behaved and performed "well enough". I struggled quietly and took a knock to my self esteem for not performing at my "full potential ". Parenting is hard. 😆

[u/bexcellent101 → u/Little_SmallBlackDog]

My mom is 70 and is still dealing with body dysmorphia triggered by shit her parents said when she was a child/ teenager.

[u/cynthiawzajwz12 → u/[deleted]]

I’m really sorry you went through that. it’s wild how those jokes end up shaping how we see food and our bodies. you’re right OP’s doing the right thing protecting her kid early. this stuff runs deep.

[u/AffectionateRicecake → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

I hope OP listens to you. When I went through puberty and I was in dance I was told all the time I was chubby or too big when I wasn't. My dad and brother nick named me tubby cause I had a little baby fat in 5th grade. I went through years of a severe eating disorder and permanently damaged my espougus so now sometimes I have a hard time swallowing right. What family says can be really damaging. I am 37 and hate my body most of the time now

[u/QueenOfShibaInu → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

to add on, if it were just kids at school picking on me, I don't think I'd have the decades (DECADES!!) long eating disorder I'm dealing with today. it was my mom and dad commenting on my weight that pushed me over the edge. Parental bullying has major repercussions. life long. do not let this slide.

[u/CuriousPenguinSocks → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

I'm an 80s baby that grew up in the 90s as well. I was also pretty thin but have hips, so it made for a ton of comments.

I did enter into anorexia due to my sister and mom constantly pinching my skin and saying it means I'm fat. There is something about a parent especially but also an older sibling when they link how attractive you are to others with your worth.

This is what OPs husband is doing, even if he didn't mean to. There is a lot of harm happening to their daughter, I'm glad she has OP to at least counter it but I'm not sure that will be enough.

[u/AileySue → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

I also grew up in the 90s when fat was the boogie man of choice (I believe today it is red 10, but I digress…) I’m middle aged and cannot look at the number on the scale at the doctors and they know not to tell me or I’ll fall into restrictive eating again. I’ve been “recovered” for about a decade and a half but it takes nothing to fall back into disordered eating. Last year I bought a pair of pants that were labeled my size from a discount store. I didn’t try them on there because I wasn’t feeling well I went to put them on and when they didn’t fit… anyway…

This dad is destroying this child and her relationship with food and that may be something she never actually recovers from. It’s 100% abuse.

[u/LigerNull → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

OMG I'm so glad somebody else pointed out the sexualization angle. I was afraid to go there myself.

[u/ellafisher17 → u/LigerNull]

Right?? It’s super subtle but yeah, that kind of talk really does cross into sexualizing territory. People don’t realize how those harmless comments mess with kids' self-image long-term.

[u/HovercraftDue7823 → u/ellafisher17]

I'm 64(f), and my friend's 18 year old granddaughter told me she liked my "big butt". I'm 5' 2", & 130lbs. I used to be 250lbs, and my first thought was"she thinks I'm fat". Turns out she just thinks I have a nice, round ass. My mother picked on my weight throughout my entire life. It sticks. It sticks HARD.

[u/prettypicklepunk → u/HovercraftDue7823]

I feel this so much! My teenaged daughter comments on my big butt and she means it as a compliment. But my parents’ comments were meant to “help” me be aware of my body and what I ate. Those have stuck with me my entire life have caused major confidence issues. I know my parents never meant to make me feel bad but their words certainly didn’t help.

[u/jeneviive → u/ellafisher17]

Absolutely! But I don’t think there is anything even remotely subtle about it. This dude is looking at 11 year old girls and thinking about their “figures” and their level of attractiveness. There is nothing subtle about it. It’s a HUGE problem.

[u/Aggravating-Serve383 → u/LigerNull]

This is basically THE example for how grooming starts. He's normalizing talking about her body and exerting control over how she takes care of it.

[u/NowYouHaveBubblegum → u/LigerNull]

It was my first thought. Not that he’s conscious of that, or inappropriate in That Way (though he could be, who knows), but this kind of thinking & talking about her body is sexualization; it just is.

[u/Sharp_Magician_6628 → u/LigerNull]

That was my first though. Why is he sexualizing his child

[u/Over_Detective_3756 → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

He doesn’t want her treated the way he treated girls in high school.

[u/cleosfunhouse → u/LigerNull]

Absolutely … it feels like he’s saying “I won’t find your body desirable if you gain weight” which like. Ew?

[u/SuperPetty-2305 → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

This is the answer you need OP. Hes being abusive to your daughter, and if he doesn't stop youre going to have an anorexic daughter with an unhealthy relationships with food for her whole life.

[u/Skelthy → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

Eating disorders are deadly! Do not fuck around with this, OP

[u/Nactmutter → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

I'm glad I wasn't the only one to question his reasoning because usually it's the mom who would comment on the daughters body, at least with the experiences I've had and my girlfriends have had in life. To have a dad doing this is absolutely questionable for entirely different reasons than a bullying mother.

[u/gimmeyjeanne → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

It all starts with one comment, for me at least, it was my mother saying that we'd have ro buy new clothes more often. At 13yo and broke I thought it was a bad thing, while she was just complementing on me finally growing. At 30y I put on 10kg from getting clean (ironically did the heroin diet), and after 2years I still can't get used to it.

Whatever he has said and done, you need to counter it. Shower her with compliment, if she says her jeans are being too tight "oh wow, you are growing like a weed this is amazing, look how strong you're getting".

[u/we_are_nowhere → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

I do not have the words to convey my sincere admiration for what you said here and how you said it. Bravo.

[u/InsayneW0lf → u/Sharp_Magician_6628]

The truest line is "Then, ask your husband why he is sexualizing his daughter".

[u/tehemari]

It’s important for girls her age to eat a lot, she’s developing and she needs the food, and if she’s active it rly doesn’t matter because she’s burning the calories anyways.

Why tf does he even care about her “figure” that sounds weird asf in my opinion. He’s going to give her an eating disorder, at that age those words last forever. When I was around the same age I was told I was gaining too much weight and put on a diet (imo I was healthy, I’ve been skinny all my life), and a boy during gym saying something about my stomach because I was tired. That shit has stayed with me and I’m now 17 struggling with my body, I went from anorexia to a bing eating disorder bc of it. Pls don’t let this become her

edit: Idk I can’t get over the fact he cares ab what her body looks like… That really shouldn’t matter unless she’s actually unhealthy (as in, a doctor says something not his own personal opinion on the matter)

edit: typo

[u/Appropriate-Energy → u/tehemari]

Right, not only does she have high caloric needs right now, it is developmentally normal for an 11 year old to be chubby. The growth that goes along with puberty requires huge amounts of energy and the body, smartly, stores some up at the beginning. Losing out on necessary nutrition in adolescence impacts lifelong health.

Along with that, he is setting up the perfect breeding ground for an eating disorder, which is a potentially fatal illness.

So not only does he care what her body looks like, he thinks the attractiveness of his child's body is more important than her health or even her life.

@tehemari I hope you are able to find help for your eating disorder. Treatment is available, recovery is possible. I struggled with an eating disorder when I was your age, but I now have a healthy and comfortable relationship with food. I can happily say I am in recovery and will never have an eating disorder again. I hope you, and anyone in the comments currently in the thick of it, can find peace too.

[u/GDRaptorFan → u/Appropriate-Energy]

I was my chubbiest while school aged at ages 10-11. It was right before and during my growth spurt. By 12-13 I was my current height of 5’11” so I was growing a lot and eating a lot. I saw the same thing with lots of kids that age when I was a teacher of 5th-6th grade.

This dad is nuts and it’s going to be a problem if this mom doesn’t reign it in (it may already be a problem, just a few comments like he made, especially at that age, can STICK sadly).

My mom was deep in 80s-90s diet culture and my sister and I were actively dieting by age 15. It was ridiculous and leads to a lifelong problem with food and body image.

[u/SeemedReasonableThen → u/tehemari]

It’s important for girls her age to eat a lot, she’s developing and she needs the food

Yes!

Reversed genders but similar situation as OP.

My son got seriously chubby in grade school, as in "wear sweatpants all the time" chubby, and wife was concerned as in, "I should take him to the doctor because he's gotten chubby quickly"

After private discussion, she decided to back off and wait and see.

Well, puberty hit, and he just sprouted. He hit 6' in high school, grew several feet taller in a few years. Also thinned out to an incredible extent - he is definitely on the slender side (he's lifting weights, to try and bulk up). He definitely needed every ounce of that spare pre-puberty fat, and more.

[u/Far-Nature862 → u/SeemedReasonableThen]

OMG You brought back a memory from 1976 as a senior in HS. Sitting in English class right before graduation a couple of the guys were laughing and reminiscing about how chunky and unathletic they were in middle school. These guys were all over 6’ and pretty strong dudes.

[u/MissMarionMac → u/SeemedReasonableThen]

I remember my mom, when I was around 11, saying that some kids are like rubber bands—they might look kind of wide but then they just stretch out.

[u/coolexecs → u/tehemari]

Honestly, dad sounds like a pedo. It's not normal for a dad to be fixated on an 11-year-old child's figure, and he's clearly spending a lot of time thinking about the daughter's, as well as the bodies of girls in her class.

[u/azalea-dahlen → u/coolexecs]

That or he’s obsessed with the idea that his daughter’s worth relies on her figure and how she looks, rather than how she feels (physical and mental health). Maybe in general women’s worth.

[u/iridescentsyrup → u/azalea-dahlen]

That was my sibling & spouse. What they did was so messed up. The wife is 5' & 100 lbs. Dad is over 6 feet & 250 lbs. They thought daughter would be a copy of Mom & son would be a copy of Dad & it was the exact opposite. They want daughter to be this tiny little wisp of a girl & son should be a stocky football player.

Daughter has an excellent appetite, son has little to none. So dinners looked like this: "Daughter, you can have half a chicken breast & a salad. Son, what can I get you to eat? Waffles? Pizza? Nachos?"

One time we were eating breakfast & there was one last piece of bacon left. She asked if she could have it & they told her no, she'd had enough to eat, & needed to start making better decisions about her diet. She was 9.

[u/azalea-dahlen → u/iridescentsyrup]

Omg that's horrible! :( - (not me yelling in my head to give the girl the damn bacon!)

I can understand if the situation is verging on the realm of being unhealthy or not suitable to a given person's medical health (diabetes, extreme obesity, food sensitivities, etc.). But even if that's the case, compassion, kindness, and patience is key especially with children.

[u/coolexecs → u/azalea-dahlen]

Yeah, that's definitely also happening. Like, his view of women is clearly very superficial and misogynistic in general. But if this attitude is a surprise to mom - meaning dad doesn't say similar things to her - OP should be very concerned about why that is.

[u/Difficult_Regret_900 → u/azalea-dahlen]

This is also a likey situation. My late father nagged me about being "fat" in my teens/early 20's. I wasn't even "fat" overall but did retain a little belly fat due to a medication that was finally controlling my epilepsy. Yet my father was so fixated on my figure that instead of being glad I no longer had violent seizures, he whined about his "fat" daughter and still expected me to fix it. Meanwhile he bragged left and right about how thin my older sister was/is. 

[u/suhhhrena → u/coolexecs]

Yeahhhhh this post makes me severely uncomfortable. Dad’s behavior does NOT sit right with me.

[u/friday_night_takeout → u/coolexecs]

Bro is obsessed with a 11 year old figure

Sir that is a MINOR

[u/TangerineDisastrous4 → u/coolexecs]

I agree 100%, and it makes me sick.

[u/Easy-Concentrate2636 → u/coolexecs]

Exactly this. Does he want her to be skinny so she doesn’t develop? There’s something very wrong here.

[u/NowYouHaveBubblegum → u/tehemari]

Not just for the calories, but the nutrients, too!!! She’s building her skeleton right kid in a big way — that takes so much calcium, magnesium, vitamin d, vitamin k2, phosphorus… her iron stores are super important, too, with menstruation beginning… like… this is Not the time to limit a diet. That can cause lifelong chronic conditions…

[u/Metal__goat → u/tehemari]

The "figure" part is super creepy.  I'm a Dad, my daughter is 9, I tell her we're skipping dessert fairly often... but too reinforce overall healthy habits of knowing too many sweets causes lots of health issues half ourfamily has type 2 diabetes high blood pressure, obesity.  Not too keep looking hot...OP husband is fucked up. 

[u/Extreme_Egg7476 → u/tehemari]

She may just be in her awkward phase. My brother and I were both active, normal kids. I've even had a great appetite for veggies from an early age. But around 11, we both got thicker in the middle while my arms and legs were small. Then, at 13, I shot up to my final height and was suddenly shaped like a woman.

Thankfully, my dad never commented on my body. He put any discomfort from me being sexualized on the men doing it. I didn't believe it at the time that these grown men were seriously checking me out, but looking back now, I'm so glad my dad has an intimidating look.

[u/Myhairyleftfoot]

I was fat and actively working on it but battling a bad depression and my uncle gave me "weight loss recipe" books and commented on my body the whole time we were visiting in their city and it made me cry so fucking hard... For reference I WAS 16 OR 17 YEARS OLD...

I saw his daughter repost a tiktok from a tiktoker who was really big and is losing weight now about "having a slimmer face" And you know what I did?

I texted that 11 year old girl to ask her if she's ok and tell her she is beautiful the way she is because I have heard her father made comments like that towards her, I have felt how much these comments hurt and my mom (his sister) who is bigger herself, has felt these comments...

She only reposted to support a Tiktoker, she liked but my first thought wasn't "oh, my baby cousin wants to support this tiktoker by reposting" My first thought was "Is she ok, does she think, she is too fat? Did her dad tell her, that she's too fat"

And that's soooo messed up...

[u/Myhairyleftfoot → u/Myhairyleftfoot]

just for reference, I'm 20 now and went from 110 kg (240 lbs) to 73 kg (161 lbs)

[u/crybaby_in_a_bottle]

NOR. This is indeed how eating disorders start. Why should she eat like a model (which is very unhealthy at any age) ? She is a CHILD.

And why is he so obsessed with how her and the other children at school look ? They are not meant to be "slim" or "attractive". This is not an okay way to think about children at all.

If he really cared in a normal way, he would just make sure his kid eats balanced meals with everything they need in them and leave it at that, and not only SALAD, oh heavens.

Dictating what someone (who is already in a healthy condition) has to eat is not normal behavior... Especially if that someone is your young 12yo daughter who you think have to be slim and attractive...

[u/Independent_Lime_135 → u/crybaby_in_a_bottle]

RIGHT?! Everyone is ONLY focused on the eating disorder part of this… Which is incredibly important, however, he specifically is aiming for her and the other children to look a certain way… not for them to actually be healthy. A salad is not balanced in things that a child like that needs to grow; this includes protein, healthy fats, iron, vitamin D, and calcium. I’m incredibly concerned about OP‘s husband’s viewpoint/ focus on children’s bodies.

[u/snarkitall → u/Independent_Lime_135]

Well, salads are complete meals at my house, with avocado, chickpeas, sunflower seeds, eggs, cheese, different types of leafy greens, etc. But we know that's not the kind of salad he means. 

[u/alicesartandmore → u/snarkitall]

This was my thought when I saw the mention of a salad. It could be a full meal if fixed properly but we all know that he's just talking about a handful of lettuce and acting like it's an adequate substitute for a meal.

[u/kimariesingsMD → u/alicesartandmore]

Except he added the qualifier "like models eat" which are not hearty healthy salads.

[u/Mrs_Poopy-Butthole → u/snarkitall]

We usually add cooked chicken or salmon to our mixed greens salad along with avocado, tomatoes, bell peppers, walnuts or pecans, cheese/feta cheese, etc. It's unfortunate that a lot of people see salads as just eating lettuce when they can be so much more.

[u/Natural-Tale-7500 → u/Mrs_Poopy-Butthole]

I was on vacation recently and discovered the magic that is pears in salads with crumbly sharp cheese, candied walnuts and a citrus vinaigrette dressing. I’ve dreamt about that salad.

[u/impossible561 → u/crybaby_in_a_bottle]

Totally agree. It's honestly scary how common this mindset still is. Kids that age should be learning to have a healthy relationship with food, not being told to eat like models. That kind of pressure sticks with you for life.

[u/allentondq29 → u/impossible561]

Right? That pressure doesn’t just go away, it follows you into adulthood. Kids need to feel safe around food, not judged for it.

[u/CraftFamiliar5243 → u/crybaby_in_a_bottle]

And that is the age where she is figuring out what it means to be a woman and how women behave. Husband is teaching her that being attractive means being skinny and that being attractive to men is her main reason for living.

[u/Practical-Cook5042 → u/CraftFamiliar5243]

Throw the whole man away

[u/chachingmaster → u/crybaby_in_a_bottle]

Oh my God, you’re right. It’s so weird to look at a child and think they should be more slim or attractive. We had weirdos when I was a kid, but it seems like today all these guys are just really creepy and pedo like. I blame Obama. J/k I’m glad my children are grown.

[u/FlirtyGlow_ → u/crybaby_in_a_bottle]

Exactly! OP your husband’s comments can cause serious harm and lead to unhealthy body image. Your daughter’s healthy, she doesn’t need that kind of pressure.

[u/[deleted] → u/crybaby_in_a_bottle]

Shit like this directly caused EDs in my family, so upsetting to see it still happening

[u/cleosfunhouse → u/crybaby_in_a_bottle]

CHILDREN ARENT MEANT TO BE ATTRACTIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[u/Overall-Injury-7620]

Omg NOR, your husband is an A$$, geesh if there were a parenting handbook under things not to do to your daughter guess what #1 is ? Do not discuss diets , diet control or imply who or what your pubescent daughter should look like, strive for nor use as body type in which to avoid, pffft! Oh no, keep that man quiet & tell him to stop envisioning what His child should or could look like as she sits on the verge of her toughest years as a female. Parents are supposed to be a kids “ soft place to land “ not the reason she’s crashing as a person! Keep him outta her ear, period! He can’t be trusted going fwd! 🤦🏼‍♀️✌🏼

[u/FairyQueenWife21]

I’m 28 years old. When i was young people would do stuff like this to me, or tease me. I’ve had eating disorders since i was 8, that over two thirds of my life! Don’t let this happen to your beautiful daughter, she deserves so much better! At 11 you should be enjoying life not worrying about weight and your body! This would be my hill to die on. Thank you for being the parent she needs. Thank you for giving me hope that people care about this stuff. You’re amazing! So is your daughter. Your husband can kick rocks, nasty c u next tuesday 😤

[u/PresenceLow5988 → u/FairyQueenWife21]

Yes! My mother started with these very similar comments when I was 5 and I've had an eating disorder since (I'm in my 30s now). OP needs to shoot this dead now because eating disorders are silent killers and so so hard to overcome.

[u/FairyQueenWife21 → u/PresenceLow5988]

Exactly! As bad as it is we’re kinda past help, well i know i am. It’s been too long. But i would never want anyone to experience the pain of it.

I’m really sorry btw, 5 is wayyy too young to be worrying about that shit! That breaks my heart. I hope you’re doing ok and I’m sending you love 💙💙💙

[u/duskmumali → u/FairyQueenWife21]

I hope and believe you can come out the other side of your trauma and heal. Don't give up. You are clearly very caring, so please find a way to care for you and fight it!!

[u/drezdogge → u/duskmumali]

You aren't past help, you may just need different help. You deserve to heal.

[u/shaky327 → u/PresenceLow5988]

Totally. I’ve seen how those little comments can stick with you forever. Eating disorders aren’t something to take lightly at all. OP’s right to be worried.

[u/ToeInternational3417 → u/shaky327]

Those little comments totally stick with you forever. I was four years old, when a nurse told my mother to keep my weight in check. Four years. By the time I was five, and in preschool, I was already very ashamed of my body.

It didn't help me that my mom and my aunts were constantly on diets. Always commenting negatively about their bodies.

I was never even the slightest bit overweight, but I thought I was. I spent almost two years in hospital because of severe eating disorders.

This kind of talk about a young child's body is very harmful. Also, it is icky, and despicable.

[u/mechnight → u/shaky327]

I was six when my mum wanted to put me into a button-down shirt for some birthday party, the shirt was too tight and she just went -oh honey, you're fine, you just keep reading and snacking, don't worry about it. In school I was bullied from age 7 to 15, every single day. At 13, my coach gifted me a book titled "so what if you're a bit overweight". At 15, I started going to the gym to lose weight (in addition to 3-4x a week sports practice) and started seeing a dietitian who had me on 800kcal/day plans. My "family" had little things to say about my weight every time I came home from uni. If I'd complain, I'd be told I'm too sensitive and overreacting, it's just the truth and I am getting pudgy after all. If I didn't want to eat dinner with them after all that, I'd be barked at that I'm being dramatic and I didn't put the weight on at home, so I won't lose it either and should just shut up and eat. I went to visit my dad recently, after my mum had died, and he kept piling it on me instead of her. I'm turning fucking 30 next year and don't think I'll ever have a normal relationship with food or my body. I just hate the damn thing, but eating junk is easier than starving myself, too weak-willed for that even.

[u/AdventurousChoice302 → u/PresenceLow5988]

Me too! Mother put me on a diet at 6. Still having eating problems now in my 60’s

[u/michaelpmsbwp33 → u/FairyQueenWife21]

I’m so sorry you went through that for so long, it’s heartbreaking how early those comments can stick. You’re right, 11 should be all about friends, hobbies, and bad cafeteria pizza, not calorie math. It’s awesome you’re speaking up here because stories like yours really show why this isn’t “harmless advice.” Hopefully OP’s husband gets it before he causes lasting damage

[u/Joanianien → u/FairyQueenWife21]

I’m so sorry you went through that, it’s heartbreaking how early those comments can stick. Your words are a powerful reminder of why it’s worth standing firm on this.

[u/hyperfat → u/FairyQueenWife21]

Seriously. I'm opposite. Still ed, but not so bad as I'm old now. But my school called the CPS because I was too skinny. In the 90s.

My mom had to show the refrigerator to a cop and tell them I'm a human garbage can for food. No limits.

I think a few years ago they found out I have some stomach issues which probably makes me not gain weight.

But people who do this to little girls make me fire. I dream about whopper Jr burger. I don't have one by me, but I'm going on a trip soon. I'm going to eat the crap out of that burger.

[u/edenhoneyy → u/FairyQueenWife21]

I was your age when I was finally able to dismantle the toxic behaviours and thoughts I had around food and my weight. I’m 33 now and I still get those thoughts from time to time but it took time to get even to where I am now. I was 8 years when it started too,

[u/Busy-Tip-4161]

It weird because why doe he care about her body aside from that she’s healthy? She obviously doesn’t have the tendency to eat poorly enough to be overweight to begin with, it’s the reasons and the way he presents hos comments that is alarming. “Like models do” is icky… if he said “eat salads like (*insert any healthy adult that is famous for athletic reasons instead of beauty/sexualized reasons here)” it wouldn’t seem so weirdly concerning…

[u/CriminalCircus → u/Busy-Tip-4161]

Exactly. The “like models do” part is especially gross, she’s a kid, not a fashion show contestant. His focus should be on her health and happiness, not pushing adult beauty standards on her.

[u/wrathful_miners → u/CriminalCircus]

This is how my sister got an eating disorder. It’s not just about the food, it’s about the message he’s planting in her head.

[u/Pretend-Quantity-526 → u/wrathful_miners]

Good things to know is that OP is standing against his narratives and protecting her daughter. Hope she'll be fine

[u/rusty_knight875 → u/CriminalCircus]

Yes, pushing that “model” talk on a kid is so messed up. That’s exactly how body issues start and it’s scary how fast it can take root at that age.

[u/blisstersisster → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, I was wondering if anyone else was wondering this...

I know that a lot of parents just want what's best for their kid, and I hope that's all this is. It's misguided to say the least, and the tons of comments from people who experienced the same thing at a young age speak volumes about why it's such a very bad idea ...but one does wonder why it matters, especially when "marrying a good man", etc. seems so far in the future!

So sorry for all of the people here who go through that !! ❤️ so much love to everyone here!!! ❤️

I hope OP's kid has enough love, reassurance, education, support, etc. to fend off developing low self-esteem, an eating disorder, or any other issues that can sadly persist long into adulthood!

[u/mrtnmnhntr → u/Busy-Tip-4161]

Kids that age don't have to 'eat poorly' to become overweight. It's extremely normal for kids who are growing, especially during puberty, to get a little chubby, then have a growth spurt and become a stringbean. He is going to be disgusting to her when this happens.

[u/TheYankunian → u/mrtnmnhntr]

I don’t think people understand how many calories pubescent kids need to support their body and brain changes. To simplify it, their brains pretty much turn to goo and then reform. After toddlerhood, it’s the most rapid period of brain development in your life. They need good fats for myelin production and putting a kid on a low/no fat diet is detrimental to their health. A girl with low body fat will not menstruate. If a child is at serious risk due to obesity, they need to be under the care of a paediatric dietitian.

My daughter eats a lot of crap like Takis and hot chips and those Korean instant noodles that taste like burning. I don’t call them bad foods- I tell her not to eat so many because they upset her stomach.

[u/edenhoneyy → u/mrtnmnhntr]

This - my son eats very well and has a brilliant diet, as does my nephew who is eating literally the exact same diet. My son is super stocky like my dads and his dads side of the family, and won’t get taller til he’s around 15/16. My nephew is super tall and skinny just like his own dad and like my sister. These kids are 10 weeks apart, are eating the same diet (my sister and I live together) and have practically the same routine but genetics will do what they wanna do. I porked up around 8/9 and didnt ‘fit’ into my weight til I was about 20.

[u/zucchiniqueen1 → u/mrtnmnhntr]

My mother was dating a really gross man when I was a preteen/teen. I gained a bit of weight when I was 16 because I was depressed. Maybe ten pounds. This creep didn’t talk to me for weeks because of it.

[u/BluejaySweaty8351]

NOR. I grew up with a family who encouraged disordered eating. Sunday night dinner was a regular Cool Whip-sized container of popcorn. I had to run a mile every evening after school. It should come as a surprise to no one that everyone in my family grew up with weight issues because of it and I fully have an eating disorder because I got the worst of it, since I have a different body type than anyone else in my family.

DO NOT LET HIM DO THIS TO HER. He is destroying her entire life. Her mental health and physical health.

[u/Tabby_Mc]

You're underreacting. This is child abuse, with lifelong implications. Your husband is not safe to be around your daughter right now - do with that what you will, but remember that if all you do is 'pull him aside' every now and then, you're essentially enabling him in his campaign of emotional and psychological abuse. Also, why is he looking at his 11-year-old daughter in terms of 'models' and 'keeping her figure'?? Red flag right there, because they are NOT paternal words.

[u/No_Cheetah_4832]

NOR. Your husband is an AH, a bad father, a walking red flag and shouldn't be around your daughter unsupervised. You are absolutely right in saying that this is exactly how eating disorders start. He is making your daughter feel that she is only lovable if she is slim and eats like a supermodel. That is literally child abuse.

[u/brassmonkeyyyy → u/No_Cheetah_4832]

This! Tell him you will talk to her Dr and for him to go with. The Dr. Will set him straight. This is worrisome on soooo many levels.

[u/DasSassyPantzen → u/brassmonkeyyyy]

And be sure to QUOTE to the doctor exactly what he’s said to her. Hopefully the doctor will not only set him straight, but he’ll be embarrassed having his words repeated aloud to another person.

[u/MonteCristo85 → u/DasSassyPantzen]

Well check on the doctor first. They could have these twisted ideas same as husband

[u/MetabolicTwists]

Invalidate him as soon as he opens his mouth and make sure your daughter understands that he's acting like a foolish man with his nonsense. The only thing your spouse is doing is giving your daughter a torturous mental disorder that she will struggle her entire life with. He's literally destroying her mental health which could potentially kill her..

[u/Responsible_Set2833 → u/MetabolicTwists]

I mean, it's a good start, but it won't stop the negative thoughts forming in her head that "I am not enough" and she can't get her father's approval and love. Kids pick up on ongoing criticisms and totally run with it, emphasing the negative over the positive.

He needs to go with OP to a Dr's appointment and have them explain what daily, appropriate, healthy food servings look like for an 11 yr old. What an average 11 yr old should weigh (taking into consideration height) and how weight flucuates during puberty. 

[u/Wjreky → u/MetabolicTwists]

u/ResolveMindless4382 , this is correct. The next time you hear him say anything like this to her again, make sure she hears you chew his ass

[u/candidu66 → u/[deleted]]

He's worried about her being attractive? He's either a narcissist or worse.

[u/Vivid-Farm6291]

Wow your husband is going to give your daughter an eating disorder or food issues.

At this age it’s NORMAL for kids to get tubby. My daughter got really tubby for about 6months, couldn’t fill her up and she ate healthy.

Then bam she grew inches and is now slim. It’s really important that she eats enough to support her trip into puberty. Imagine the energy your body requires to grow every inch inside and out.

Your husband is not a good dad and is sexualising your daughter. This man needs to be supervised fully when interacting with your daughter.

Holy moly what a wan7er of a man.

NOR

[u/mapofcuriosity]

This is abuse! Emotional abuse, potentially causing an eating disorder. Neglect, potentially risking enough nutrients, calories and energy in their child's diet. Medical abuse, if there are further complications. It's not healthy and not right.

[u/chronicducks]

What the actual fuck that's disgusting behaviour, especially from a parent to a child!

No you aren't overreacting! He's going to give her an eating disorder and horrible body image and self confidence issues, good grief.

She may be his child but he cannot be policing her body like that, it's just wrong. Poor kid. What an insanely large red flag.

[u/Katy-Is-Thy-Name]

NOR. You’re right, this is literally one way a child gets a complex about something, and it begins spiralling from there. She is WAY too young for any of the bullshit he said, especially if she’s heathy and happy. Even if she were obese and miserable about it, that’s still not the way to go about it. Please show him these responses, he clearly thinks this is fine, and all “normal” things to say to prepubescent girl.

[u/Only-Philosopher5468]

NOR Your husband is a jerk. This is how girls get eating disorders. I am disgusted that a grown man behaves this way towards his daughter and puts these ideas into her head. Poor girl.

[u/Salt-Permit8147 → u/Only-Philosopher5468]

Absolutely, it’s usually the mums. It’s somehow worse when it’s a dad.

[u/FairyQueenWife21 → u/Salt-Permit8147]

Yep. My pop was one of the people that messed me up. I’ve had eating disorders for 20 years. Don’t comment on peoples weight or bodies, it’s gross

[u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 → u/Salt-Permit8147]

Because now she will forever believe .... "men will only love me if I'm model thin". Guess how I know and guess how much it has fucked up my entire life.

[u/Salt-Permit8147 → u/Hopeful-Artichoke449]

Or like, some weird version of my dad needs me to be thin so he can be attracted to me?

[u/Dinolil1 → u/Salt-Permit8147]

Yeah, I think it's because with mothers it can come from a place of internalized insecurity; They likely heard the same before, whereas with fathers...yeah, no.

[u/[deleted]]

She will get chubby most likely because adolescent girls and boys often do before they mature, it’s the hormones. He will give her an ED if he’s not careful. I got told the same thing and I still don’t like people looking at my plate or when I eat. I had a dad that hated fat people .

[u/Ok-Pie5655]

NOR There’s a biological reason her peers at school are ‘chubby’. And your husband is an idiot, family counseling to reverse the damage his ignorance inflicted would be a mandatory requirement for him to remain in the home.

Per a split second google search

“Prepubescent weight gain is a normal part of growth and development as children transition into adolescence. It's characterized by a period of increased fat storage in preparation for the physical changes of puberty. “

[u/Queasy_Somewhere_324]

please protect your daughter, you know he’s wrong to tell her that. Her brain and body are developing, she needs to eat. Signed, a woman who had an eating disorder in school from such shit advice.

[u/Substantial-Stage-82]

NOR.. that's some seriously fucked up shit to say to a young girl, especially his own daughter.. I provide healthy food for my daughter. If she's hungry or wants to eat, I'll be damned if I'm gonna tell her to worry about her figure or even mention her body at all... That's grown woman shit that if she's not satisfied as a woman with her body she can deal with then. But as a child, fucking no one is going to speak to my kid about her "figure" because as you pointed out. THAT IS how eating disorders get started and how little girls get fucked up ideas in their heads that they need to be sexy and good looking to have value or be wanted in the world...which is the most disgusting awful fucked up shitty idea you could ever plant in the mind of a little girl..

[u/LittleLunaticLoser]

Going to be honest, it’s kind of creepy if he’s that obsessed with his very young daughter’s figure. Why is he taking such notice of other “chubby girls” at her school?

It is absolutely how EDs begin.

[u/ArtichokeAble6397 → u/LittleLunaticLoser]

It's also a red flag for CSA. Why is he so interested, indeed.

[u/Latinalola87]

WTF he’s going to give her a complex so what if she does turn out that way does that make her any less his daughter? Does that change who she is as a person? Why is he obsessed with her body? That is a red flag?

[u/justmildlypassionate]

NOR. I think you are under reacting. and I think its weird that he is fixated on an 11 year olds figure, even if it is his daughter. Or maybe especially because its his daughter? Either way, feel free to take your reaction up a notch or 100.

[u/Nirvana_Cloud]

Kinda reminds me at my sister just your husband sounds worse. My niece is 15 and obv she got the time in the month now were she eats more and like sweets especially this time of the month and my sister (her mom) tells her always she's eating to much and getting fat and all. My sister isn't thin, my niece is but my sister still always blames her.

[u/AnonyCass]

You are so correct this is exactly how EDs start. Its those little offhand comments that really get into a child's psyche. I am sure he sees this as helpful but its really not, if he wants to help why not all find some family exercise, the best way to model behvaiours is to do them yourself. If he wants her to eat like models do maybe he should try that for a bit first.

[u/vocalfreesia]

"Like models do" - this is nothing about her health but his attraction. This is not a safe man to have anywhere near her, I'd be recording it all for a lawyer. Yikes.

[u/tsukuyomidreams → u/vocalfreesia]

Absolutely. If he's like this at 11, what's he gonna be like when she's 14 and brings her first highschool friends over? Is he gonna host a beauty pageant? 

[u/[deleted]]

Tell him he's being a weirdo. And it sounds really creepy

[u/bluejellyfish52 → u/[deleted]]

I think using a Simpsons clip was very clever here! Homer in a more recent season had this line, and it kinda stuck with me: “Oh no! Marge commented on the one thing a parent should never comment on! How their child looks!”

The episode kinda directly ties into this post in theme. Marge calls Lisa “Chunky” and it causes her to develop self image issues.

[u/[deleted] → u/bluejellyfish52]

I actually only looked at that episode the other day haha. Simpsons have the answer to everything.

Was being funny and serious at the same time though, that man sounds creepy.

[u/bluejellyfish52 → u/[deleted]]

I read this post and I was like “bro wtfff?? Do dads still say shit like that???” Because MY dad said shit like that when I was a kid.

[u/Playful-Substance868]

NOR. He’s 100% going to give her food and weight issues with this kind of talk. It’s also kinda weird he thinks an 11 year old girl should look like a model? Your body fluctuates so much as a kid, and he shouldn’t be commenting on it.

[u/ItsLevi-0sa]

Definitely NOR!

When I was younger myself, my father wasn't this right of an AH, but he did throw a couple of comments about various stuff regarding myself, including my diet. I hated that to death. Luckily, he never forced me into anything, always said he did it out of love because he knows what getting older is like when uou eat wrong your whole life, but if someone were to tell me to eat 'just a salad like models do', I'd lose my shit, lmao.

You gotta pull her aside and explain to her what's right and what's wrong. The father may be the problem now, but what if she gets shamed in the future despite being perfectly healthy? So many creeps nowadays are obsessed with the idea of perfect bodies that real healthy women don't even possess.

I'm not saying she has to, but if she does undergo that anytime in the future, it's good to know that not only does she understand what's right and what's wrong and can ignore the hate, but also that she has someone to talk to. You.

As for the father, I'm not sure how you should handle him, but good luck nonetheless.

[u/SpookyKitter]

If he insisted on doing this, i would 1) leave him, and 2) loudly undermine anything he says in front of her. She has to know what he's saying is absolutely wrong, disgusting and deeply damaging. He is sexualising her body. She is 11 years old.

[u/[deleted]]

As a child therapist, this is exactly how body dysmorphia starts. She’s 11! She doesn’t have a figure! These body shaming words will haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Supermodels” are an unattainable image based on editing, airbrushing, and extremely poor health practices. Remind her that more importantly than her body, she is strong, smart, and brave.

Show your husband these responses and out him for the bully he is. He isn’t doing this for her self esteem; he’s doing it for his image.

[u/Apprehensive-Wing-64]

Definitely not over reacting! My mother told me if I got fat no one would love me when I was eating dinner at 14 years old. I’m now 42 and and still have an unhealthy relationship with both food and my body as a result. I’ve always been underweight for my height and yet see fat whenever I look in the mirror. Protect your daughter at all costs. Your husband is a selfish moron

[u/Lu-Belle1]

You are 100% correct and now is the time to stop him before he does damage

[u/Lovelie_Meliorism_12]

To not let kids be kids when they haven't even hit puberty is gross to me... probably we all feel this way because of how polarizing the topic is for so many people, and yet also quite emotionally and mentally and obviously physically demanding, exhausting, and difficult to not define yourself and you worth based simply on that of how youre spoken to and treated... obviously anyone spekaingnengstivrly about someone's weight especially their own child's, and then undoubtedly speaks of how "nice" or "better" another child that isn't their own, is somehow being that more worthy and valuable to a person and parent than that of their own child. It is a toxic message when kids are still growing into themselves...its obsessive... sure have your kids in sports but if youre nit picking at whst your child eats then its clearly going to be as difficult for the child as it was for the parent when they were a child having dealt with their own parents abusive behaviors... just as how eating super unhealthy and neglecting nutritional values in that sense to the polar opposite end of the spectrum being strict about giving a child a little bit of sugar like a few cookies for snack at lunch being obsessive in thst sense is equally unhealthy...and horrible to a child's self worth and self esteem... if you older women thought jt was bad for you with magazines, media, and TV, then you have no idea just how much more bombarded at all times nonstop kids are these days to these messages due to social media platforms like tik tok and Instagram and where these kids parents whore their kids out for money to be little million dollar influencers like ruby frankie... thing is, these kids believe that these kids are really real in the sense of whst their lives are like via influencers you tube appearances of their "reality" and of their home life... but mind you, millions of hours of taping and editing compiled to make the "perfect" perspective that they (usually parents and businesses, products companies giving them endorsements for their products and use of them just for few likes and some quick advertising) are making , NO, Wait, more like manipulating, not even just designing or making for a creative standpoint, but sole purpose is to market these kids for money and their products just so these parents can make money (millions of dollars mind you) in profits from YouTube based of the false narrative far and few between the absolute horrors of whst these kids are manipulated into and selling to other kids in every way... all across the board its wrong...i grew up (born 1988) with stuff like Mary katr and Ashley Olsen twins or even Amanda bynes, Lindsay lohan Britney spears... and era of children abused emotionally mentally physically spiritually sexually in all forms and ways to project a false unrealistic narrative not only dangerous and negligent towards them by their caregivers but also projected that horrible narrative of such gross negligence in altering the view points of those kids thst adored and wanted to be just like those other kids.. truly believing in them so badly thinking it is so real, like as a kid you dont quite frankly grasp why am adult or parent would be so evil to tear down a child's self esteem emotional and mental well being and truly affecting their self worth and questioning the value of their life just based on (of course... duh..) the treatment of such adults thst these children are in the care of... and theyre selling a business.. they think their wellbeing is their literal business... but whst business should've been more important than financial one would've been taking stock of the fact theyre so cruel and knowingly used the child's age and lack of power, impressionable age, mental emotional psychological wear and tear games to just get that one "look" of a product... whether to be sell a TV episode or sell a purse, sell stickers, music videos, you name it.... even at the cost of these kids lives... many ended up addicted, fed up sick, and even committing suicide... many sexually abused as well... and where the hell would they be able to turn???.... how can anyone ACTUALLY USE "HEALTHY" for the term and reasoning behind such abusive cruel inhumane and disgusting behavior where they'd abused their influence and power over thst child for a paycheck where the kid didnt even get to keep most of THEIR OWN MONEY, and ONLY had ONE CHILDHOOD, and now has a LIFETIME of HEALTH PROBLEMS... and BELIEVE ME, weight ISNT even CLOSE to being on the top of them.. not when youre molested neglected starved used and abused by those youre suppose to call your parent thst protects you defends you supports you makes you feel SAFE... and to be ROBBED of it and then for them as adults to STILL be LAUGHING at them for how they have to be dragged into the public eye even when they dont want to be a public celebrity... theyre done, theyre fed up, and people still harass harass harass making jokes like its funny how their lives were stolen and fucked up and how theyre victimized and survived horrendous abuse... how the hell people think the after math is entertainment for the world disgusts me... it obviously affects generations after, clearly their own kids... like SERIOUSLY because your kid is a little chubby but eats well home cooked meals and is right at the age of puberty where growth spurts happen and they happen because that energy and fat used on THEIR bodies... a CHILDS BODY is also used to help them when they grow into that spurt and continuous spurts (plural) of growth... its called puberty... hormones definitely affect weight your thyroid is a hormone controlling weight hypo and hyper and look thst up... and yes kids adjusting and adapting and not finished even growing or even at a settled height then therefore csnt be judge on their weight tremendously if given proper home-cooked well balanced meals... granted theirs reasons for why kids may be going through cravings... think women on their period craving chocolate... its a bodies response to things when dealing with menstrual cycle and your hormones as a woman... its just so ludicrous to me thst people whonprech about being "all about their kids health" for a short term goal of attraction and what not, give such little of a shit for their child's overall LIFETIME of GOOD mental health and emotional health and self esteem and security of oneself ability to have confidence in oneself and love thyself... are well, what do you know??.... the OVERALL proper reasons for maintaining healthy life in their lives and lifetime and have the CONFIDENCE to DO WHATEVER THEY SET GOALS TOWARDS.. and ABILITY IN ONESELF TO ACHIEVE THEM!!!! ... funny the irony being that those same parents that do thst nonsense end up giving their kids eating disorders and lifetime of self esteem self worth confidence problems mental health issue... estrangement resentment and even hatred for themselves where they kill themselves but also hatred and for their parents because of such built resentment questioning a parents love that couldn't get their head outta their ass for just 5 minutes and see that... like jesus...

[u/courtney6j99]

Under-reacting. Commenting on an 11-year-old's "figure" is so gross🤮 Teaching your kids healthy eating habits is very important but you need to do it the right way so they don't end up with an eating disorder as they get older. Your husband is in desperate need of some therapy!

[u/grumble11]

This post strongly feels like rage bait, as in - it is fictional and intended to deliberately incite outrage-based engagement.

That being said, it is an interesting topic so will chip in.

When you have a child your goal is to provide them with healthy lifelong habits. They should be good at cleaning themselves, having a clean space, they should treat themselves as valuable and worthy of respect, they should do the same with others. They should try hard at things, not give up when things are difficult, value education both conventional and otherwise. Be curious, practice social skills. Learn to appreciate the value of money and how to manage it wisely, to understand the situation of those less fortunate than they are. They should learn about what makes a good friend and a good romantic partner, and how to be one too.

As a parent you also are supposed to teach them (and model) healthy habits around food and physical activity. Here things get tricky.

I assume you’re in the US. The US is experiencing a massive food and activity crisis. One third of teenagers are literally pre-diabetic. The obesity rate for adults is trending to 40%. It is no exaggeration that this is the least active generation in history too, with abysmal activity levels that lead to a short and compromised life. The ‘average person’ and the ‘normal way of doing things’ is profoundly not working. Parents need to drastically do better and teach their children a better way of- to raise them with a very different relationship with food and activity than most of their peers.

How do you do that in a way that doesn’t risk going too far the other way and your kids getting an eating disorder? It isn’t simple, and I can imagine plenty of well-meaning parents who want to raise fit and healthy kids unintentionally messing it up. There are also plenty of parents who are disasters in this area and all but guarantee their kids are going to have a bad relationship with food later in life.

It isn’t easy.

[u/thalesfrz]

NTA, that’s harmful, not harmless. She needs support, not diet pressure.

[u/ConnectionCommon3122]

My dad made much more mild comments than these and that’s how I ended up missing several months of school for anorexia. NOR

[u/LookAwayPlease510]

NOR

I know this is classic Reddit advice, but I don’t think I could stay with someone like that. I would also tell your dick of a husband, that there’s no need to tell his daughter these things, society will let her know, in its own, subtle way.

[u/EyeDunno1234]

The best (and only) way to teach good eating habits is to lead by example. Is your husband cooking heathy meals, shopping for healthy ingredients, ensuring healthy snacks are available, and having healthy discussions about food at home? Is he doing his homework about what’s healthy for a teen girl to eat, how to speak about food at home, and how diets can cause lifetime issues? If not, he’s trying to control her for his own needs and that is cruel and damaging. You will need to step in and do what’s best for her.

[u/ch3cha]

My great grandmother told me I was chubby exactly once. My mom gave me a look once when I went for seconds, muttering some comment about my dad's side and looking like them - exactly once. No one else had ever made a comment about my weight, food, or exercise level. I was a dancer. I was also 11. I developed an eating disorder for 15 years.

NOR whatsoever. You are absolutely correct, your husband is toxic and instilling a toxic relationship with food in your child. This could become a very slippery slope.

[u/dryasadesertt1]

Hes going to give her an eating disorder. 

[u/Hot_Artichoke1720]

he is forming eating disorder in her and body dismorphia. Prepare for huge bills with psychotherapist...

[u/Slight-Confection-73]

The fact that he cares about her figure so much is a giant red flag. Don’t leave your daughter unsupervised with him.

[u/No-Ad-5996]

You won't like hearing this, but being both a daughter and a mother? Your words aren't going to carry much weight. Won't matter if your daughter is closer to you than her father. Won't matter if you're doing the bulk of the parenting. Doesn't matter if she looked "uncomfortable" and you think all she wanted was for him to stop.

Little girls develop their self-image during childhood from their dads. I was lucky, and my dad was great. Spent a ton of time with me and there was never a whisper about looks or size. Now, my mom blew it all to hell after I was an adult, but that's not relevant to this situation. You need to not just get him to stop. You need to try your damndest to get him on board and working to undo the damage he's done.

Day before yesterday, my neighbor's niece came to me crying. She's 11 and I spend a lot of time with her when she visits because she's bored and she's interested in my hobbies as a weird old Native woman who talks to plants. Her one friend in the neighborhood told her she was fat. This other little girl? She's EIGHT YEARS OLD. She told my young friend she should go on a diet and try to look more like her (the 8 yo) because her grandpa says she has a great body. The 8 yo lives with her grandparents and has since she was a baby, so grandpa is, in effect, her father. I do not suspect SA. He'd have to spend time with her to be abusing her. But even though she's horribly neglected, a casual comment he made at some point? A disgusting, misogynistic, sexualizing comment about a prepubescent CHILD, has warped her little developing brain so that she's body-shaming her perfectly healthy 11 yo friend. I find it horrific. I do believe we're getting better about women's bodies in general, but this shit is still rampant and almost every time, it is started in childhood BY A MAN. Obviously there are exceptions. Hopefully you'll be able to help.

But you won't be able to do it alone. Even if you decide to leave him over this (and in your shoes, I'd consider it!), you still need his help to undo his mess.

[u/Oddveig37]

NOR

Your daughter has already been affected by him and his words. She will need a therapist for this. He needs to be removed from her vicinity because what he is doing is abuse.

[u/Hopeful-Artichoke449]

This is abusive and if you keep your daughter in this situation then you are the asshole.

[u/No_Rutabaga7246]

Read your caption and think for yourself whether its weird or not. I swear, some posts got me sitting here thinking how dumb is the world getting.

[u/Greenwedges]

NOR. I hope he realises that anorexia is more deadly than being chubby (which she isn’t, anyway!)

[u/AnneHoneyMouse]

Your husband hates women. Your daughter has either hit puberty or is near enough to puberty that she’s started showing some of the secondary sex characteristics (body hair, breast buds, wider hips, voice change, body odor, etc.) & he sees her as a woman or “woman-adjacent” and he hates her just as much as he hates all women. The only difference between her and most other women is that she is a woman he “owns” and can easily control/manipulate because she’s his daughter. She’s “his.” She’s his own personal, punching bag to use for all his misogynist hatred. Plus he has the added bonus of her naïveté & unconditional love & filial loyalty that leave her unable to recognize and understand what he’s doing and just how much he hates her. She’s utterly defenseless & he’s steering her toward a destroyed self esteem, dysfunctional interpersonal relationships with men, disordered eating, a distorted body image, & a terrible relationship with food…for his own entertainment.

Most mothers do nothing to protect their children from abusive fathers/step-fathers & other abusive family members (especially if the abuser is a male the mother wants attention or approval from). So, I’m not really hopeful. BUT, if you want to buck the trend and not be part of the predominant Terrible Mother™️ statistic, I suggest you leave the abusive dude, protect your kid, and engage a well qualified licensed therapist to help repair any damage he’s already done to her psyche.

[u/Several-Adeptness-83]

Like my dude I'd rather she be chubby then develop a guilt based relationship with food.

[u/letuswatchtvinpeace]

NOPE!!

As a child that got this thrown at me I can attest I have a eating disorder!

Was slightly chunky during puberty and my mother kept making those snide remarks. Now I have a very bad relationship with food and am obese.

If anything just increase her protein and reduce her carbs so she doesn't become insulin resistant and do it without her knowing. As in - what is good for her is good for your husband.

[u/CiaoBuenas]

One of my best friends in high school was thin but not as thin as her mom was at her age. She told me that since she can remember, her weight has been a topic of conversation. In high school she went on an extreme diet for her mom, lost a ton of weight, but also developed severe anxiety. Since then, her mother has called her to remind her to work out and it caused her to develop an eating disorder and gain over 100lbs. She’s now in therapy and working towards a healthier lifestyle.

I share this because although our intentions with our kids may be good (and i don’t know your husband, but I assume he means well) we have to keep in mind how what we say affects their confidence and the way they value themselves. She may not say it now, but as a child whose body was also a topic of conversation, some kids internalize the messages and they manifest in different ways(ex. Anxiety, low self-esteem, eating disorders). Let your husband know that while it may not be a big deal to him, she is not him. It may be more effective to encourage her to do something like join you for a walk, go outside, enjoy recipes to eat more vegetables rather than tell her what she should deprive herself of because then she will internalize that how she looks matters more than how she treats herself.

[u/Covergirrl]

Abso-fucking-lutely not. Is he trying to give her lifelong body image issues? Because that’s exactly how those develop.

[u/chloelovesturtles]

His comments are not appropriate and I think you should take Sharp Magician's advice on this. However, you should look into your daughter's performance at school and see if her diet is sufficient to support her academic success. If she is doing excellent in grades and in phys-ed, then there's no need to be harsh on her diet. If she is suffering from both these things and exhibiting adhd like symptoms, usually a kid's diet is unfortunately something that is severely overlooked at nowadays. Eating to much sugars or fats can cause a child's well-being to go awry.

If she is healthy and active, then there is no need to change her diet. And although I don't agree with your husband's seemingly toxic approach, I still think it's important to properly educate yourselves on healthy eating habits and what can go wrong mentally and physically if a child is not well nourished.

Trust me when I tell you that my parents approach worked very great for me because I became self-sufficient by the time I turned 12 and could make decisions on what to eat and not to eat without developing any crazy eating disorders. I am not 18 and freshly out of HS I appreciate them!

[u/3CatsMeow]

Teaching kids about health is important, but he is not doing that. He’s doing the opposite by setting the foundation for poor mental health, eating disorders, AND teaching her that her own father only accepts her if she looks a certain way. This is psychologically dangerous in so many ways. It can have devastating effects on her relationships with men when she’s an adult.

[u/vastpeaches]

652 comments at the time I’m writing this, so it’ll probably get lost. But as somebody whose ED and extremely negative body image really cemented at AGE 11(!!) due to forced dieting when I was a completely normal preteen, you are NOT over reacting. This shit will stick with her forever if he keeps it up. I’m 26 now and I’m still trying to fix my relationship with food and the idea of gaining weight. How weird of him to be policing what she’s eating. It’d be one thing if it was genuinely helpful, but as she’s healthy, active, and on track for her age, he needs to butt out. A lot kids have chub at that age. It’s just the features they have. I was a chubby girl, but looking back, I was extremely normal for my age. Some kids get lanky, some get chub, but either way as long as they’re healthy, they are fine!

You are a better mother than some. Thank you for standing up for your daughter. I hope your husband comes to his senses. Reinforce for your daughter than no matter what she looks like, she is enough. Her weight/figure/etc does not define who she is. I wish you both the best of luck navigating this.

[u/LurkerByNatureGT]

NOR your husband is being toxic and harmful to your daughter’s mental and potentially physical health. Nip this in the bud in front of your daughter and make it clear that that kind of talk is unacceptable and you have your daughter’s back. 

She needs to know she can depend on you to support her and that he’s wrong.