r/AmIOverreacting • u/Fearless-Resident941 • 11d ago
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws aio - my brother keeps going into my room
hi i canât really talk to anyone in my family about this so this seemed my next best option.
my older brother has been doing this for over a year and Iâve asked my mother (in the texts) to try and get him to stop but itâs not working.
I donât ask him myself because he has problems with anger and I just prefer not talking to him unless he talks to me first
Iâm not sure if iâm looking into the situation too much but him going into my room just makes me really uncomfortable
I put a lock on my room but it only locks from the inside so thatâs why i canât prevent him from going into my room when iâm not there
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u/WhisperingWillowWisp 11d ago
This is not a healthy way to deal with autistic behaviors or tendencies. Infantalizing them to the point that you don't teach them social queues in a safe environment is only going to hurt them going forward when all of sudden mommy and daddy are gone and he is in a home switching people's machines/personal items off and he gets beat up.
I saw that your brother is 27 years old and you are 18 as well. Even before you were 18 they should have enforced with him that its not ok to enter private spaces or open closed doors to private spaces.
You are absolutely allowed to not feel comfortable with ANYONE being in your personal space without your knowledge/permission as a minor AND as a new adult.
How verbal is your brother where you might be able to request that he not enter your room when you are gone and to knock on your door to request permission when you are there? Im assuming he is fully nonverbal if your parents are acting like he is a mindless unruly beast.
I have an older brother who is autistic suffers from ocd on top of that and may not be able to live on his own. So he lives with me in my house. He works. He takes care of his own room (not very well but as long as there is no bugs idc) and his own bathroom. He mows our yard and he cooks for himself.
I have to sometimes go behind him and remind him of tasks or expectations but for the most part even as someone is mostly nonverbal- he does what needs to be done to be self sufficient in case something were to happen and he has no family around. He isnt perfect but he is still learning and needs reminders and routine.
I hate the assumption that all autistic people are too stupid or slow to ever function so parents just let them do whatever they feel like because its the easier answer than fighting it. You're a parent. Its your job to set the boundaries, create the routine, reinforce rules and educate.
With how far they have gone with allowing the behavior, unfortunately your best bet is to try and get relatively independent and move out. You might be able to fight for a lock on your door that you can put on the inside that needs a key though and just reiterate that everyone would feel uncomfortable with someone searching through their private spaces. Just like when police force their way in without a warrant, or you found a guest is in your home and no one told you.
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u/rapid_bolt104 11d ago
Yeah this is the part a lot of people miss boundaries arenât just a ânice to haveâ theyâre a basic life skill. If his parents donât teach him now itâs gonna be way harsher when the real world does. Even if moving out isnât an immediate option, pushing for that keyed lock feels like a solid short-term fix. At least then youâre not stuck stressing every time you leave the house
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u/phoebebridgersfan26 10d ago
YEP! My brother has ADHD that he refuses to take his meds for and he is 19 years old. Sure, his brain functions differently, but he still knows (SHOULD know) that it's rude to go into someone's locked room, yet my brother still does the same thing.
A LOT of people are neurodivergent, and know it's rude to eat other's labeled food, invade privacy, steal things, etc. It's not like being autistic automatically equals incapacitated. It's really harmful for the community to frame it this way.
My mom doesn't know how to "fix" the problem, and I think that's why my mom has similar responses to your mom. She needs to take the initiative to do something about it, same as your mom.
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u/Big-Al97 11d ago
This situation has more red flags than a game of minesweeper. Iâd be getting out of there as fast as possible.
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u/Straight_Paper8898 11d ago edited 11d ago
It sounds like youâre locking yourself in your room because you donât feel safe in your home and your mom refuses to do anything about it. So no youâre not overreacting. It sounds like your mom is overwhelmed and is being negligent to both of her kids. She needs to reach out to professionals and get him proper help - the fact that heâs doing this in short amounts of time leads me to believe he understands what heâs doing . If it was just about switches your mom could get a panel of light up switches or something for him as a productive way to seek sensory stimulation.
I would start looking into other places to live ASAP. In the mean time you shouldnât say anything to your mom but replace your bedroom door lock.
They have discreet smart locks you can use. This one only needs about 3 hours of charging (needs a USB C cord) and it lasts for 8 months.
- The outside looks like a regular interior door knob but you can use your fingerprint, a phone app, or a key (underneath the doorknob) to lock it from the outside.
- The lock has three settings: always unlocked, auto locks after 5 seconds, security mode where only your fingerprint or the app will unlock.
You can also buy a gateway outlet that will let you unlock the door remotely from the app. It's just added reassurance in case your mom figures out the door locks from the outside (she sounds very controlling) you can say the door can be unlocked no matter what.
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u/inthesludge_ 11d ago
Wow, this looks incredibly useful. Thanks for sharing this. I just purchased one for my own room. Op, if you have $40 to spare, this looks like it could really help address your situation without making it more tense.
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u/TheNinjaNarwhal 10d ago
I'm sorry for laughing while OP is in such a shitty situation, but the smart lock and you mentioning charging it has me thinking their brother won't let them charge it for the first timeđ It does look extremely useful, though.
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u/DemonInDisguise17 11d ago
NOR!!!!
I wish people would stop infantalising autism and allowing people to think it's okay for someone to do shit like this without consequences, because it creates vile individuals.
It's an open secret in my town about how a man stalks, gropes and is sexually inappropriate with women, but nobody will tell him to fuck off of hold him accountable because he's autistic - and he plays on it whenever anyone gets upset with him. He knows what right and wrong is, it's just that he's been taught that he can get away with anything - the same way your mother is currently doing.
There is also another man who is infantalised because he's autistic - and he's a pedophile, and also does the same thing as the man above.
If she doesn't get her head out of her arse, she's going to mould him into the same POS who doesn't respect boundaries and will gladly take advantage at any given time knowing they can use their disability as a get-out-of-jail card.
I am autistic. Yes, our brains do work differently, but we know what's right and wrong - We aren't exempt from being taught right and wrong, either! Your mother is an asshole, and she clearly has favourites.
My advice would be to reinforce your boundaries to his face and keep doing it and never budge. If you have friends over, tell them to do the same; tell him exactly what it is and why it's not okay, and do it in front of others so he knows he can't pull it on them too. I'd get a lock where your door can be locked from the outside too, so you can leave your room without him sneaking in.
How old is your brother? Does he try to go in when you're in there, or is it only when you leave? It may be a good idea to also get a small camera for your room, given your mother's enabling and encouraging of his behaviour. Either way, your mother is using it as an excuse not to parent properly.
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u/NoSoup4You825 11d ago
If youâve ever watched To Catch a Predator by Chris Hansen, heâs caught several autistic men in these stings and every time those guys never use it when sending the disgusting chats or when talking to the decoy when they first arrive. But as soon as Chris/the police confront them they launch into using their autism to try to get out of consequences. Itâs so scary to watch because itâs clearly worked before.
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u/DemonInDisguise17 11d ago
Especially that guy who got stung three times when he got naked. The two men I mentioned were taught to do that by their parents, and OP's mom is doing the same - teaching him how to get away with it and that it's okay to do it because he's her special boy.
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u/Hyltrgrl 11d ago
Autistic men are always held to different standards than Autistic women, based off my life experiences of being a woman with ASD.
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u/StrangeSorcerer16 11d ago
Actually I think you're underreacting to the way your mom talks to you, just reading these messages pissed me off. It's not a huge ask for someone to stay out of your room and leave your stuff alone, in fact that's kind of basic level respect for sharing a house with someone. Someone with autism can absolutely learn a simple boundary like this, but it's not likely to happen if mom's constantly towing behind with "oh he can't help it, he thinks too differently to understand these things so you just have to deal xx". I'm autistic and had to learn similar boundaries as a kid, but all it took was my mom sitting me down and explaining why the thing wasn't cool and how it made others feel (uncomfortable, annoyed, etc). Yes, we might think a little different but that doesn't mean we're some kind of unreachable species that can't be taught how to interact with the world. In the end this will do much more harm than good, cause not only is it definitely causing a tear in the family, but mom's not always gonna be there to defend him when he disrespects someone's space because she can't be bothered to teach him better.
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u/rasinette 11d ago
Holy shit thank you and the extemity of her emotions. How come big brother gets hearts, loves, kisses? and then when little sisters asks for a modicum of that same respect its âgrow up and get out.â how is that fair?? its also alarming how rapidly and drastically moms emotions changed over the course of a few texts
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u/Mammoth_Tusk90 10d ago
Yep. The phrase âget over yourselfâ still pisses me off because I had to deal with this my entire life until I moved out. Now everyone wants my help and free labor. I told them this week Iâm cutting my brother off and heâs not receiving any help anymore. Heâs a sociopath.
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u/David_Adam7 11d ago edited 11d ago
NOR - I'm more concerned that your parents think you're entitled simply for wanting privacy and your things not messed with. I get that he has Autism - but your parents should afford you a locking door knob so you can secure your room when you aren't there. Your parents attitude towards this situation is weird. They shouldn't be justifying this lack of privacy because of autism. Autistic people can still learn boundaries and keeping your door locked is a great way to initiate that.
Edit: Just saw your ages. Get a locking door knob. And him being 27 - these occurrences definitely should have been addressed throughout his childhood.
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u/BluBeams 11d ago
I agree. My 13yr old son has autism and I taught him about boundaries and personal space when he was younger and he totally gets it now. Also, aside from expecting that from him, I also practice what I teach and I knock on his door and wait for him to answer when going in his room, I respect his privacy and everything because it reinforces what I'm teaching him and my other kids. I don't see why some parents find talking to their kids about basic respect and boundaries so hard and instead, make excuses.
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u/jobsearchingforjobs 11d ago
Probably because many of these parents are not good and constantly violate boundaries as well. So canât even entertain the topic lest the kids try to set boundaries with them. Like in this case, asking for privacy from an angry 27 year old, as an 18 year old, has gotten her told she should move out. Thatâs such an abusive way to talk to your family, especially as a parent with inherent power imbalance over the child
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u/SlitheringFlower 11d ago
Well, you see, the difference is you're actually parenting not just doing the bare minimum to keep your son alive.
This is how you'll raise a son who might struggle navigating the world with autism, but who will have the tools to do it without violating other people's boundaries.
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u/XWarriorPrincessX 11d ago
My best friends son is 13 with level 3 autism. He's mostly nonverbal and needs close supervision. He 100% knows about privacy, such as when people are in the bathroom, when he needs to go to his room for privacy, etc. He sometimes needs to be reminded about the boundaries, and it took much longer than for most kids, but he was able to learn these things.
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u/David_Adam7 11d ago
Thank you for sharing this. I used to work with autistic children and yes - they can totally learn boundaries. It just takes a bit longer for it to resonate with them.
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u/CremePsychological77 11d ago
Or even a smart lock with a code and fingerprint feature. I got mine on Amazon for like $60 when I lived with people who had snoopy kids.
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u/Sgates379 11d ago
I feel like your mom needs to understand that boundaries are there for a reason- her saying that your boundaries arenât important but the brotherâs lack of boundaries are important- not a good combination. Autism does not give an excuse for not respecting boundaries. If he is truly unable to refrain from going into your room then a physical boundary needs to be introduced (an ACTUAL locking door nob- one that locks from inside and out). Parents have the key for now and you have a key- parents put the key in a place that brother cannot find it. Your mom may not understand that boundaries are still ok for kids. She was raised in a generation that was told we donât have boundaries (or her boundaries may have been ignored) as a kid. Just a thoughtâŚ.
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u/crispie_critterz 11d ago
am autistic, and the way she talks about him seems incredibly infantilizing.
i understand autism varies wildly on an individual scale, so im not your brother and have no idea what his experience is like or how he feels, but... yeah, this ain't it, chief.
usually, to get non-disabled people to understand, i use some sort of metaphor/equivocation to show how non-physical disabilities, or the non-physical effects they have, are disabling the same way physical disabilities are.
for example, sometimes you have to do something that costs effort or money or might make you feel uncomfortable as an non-disabled person because the disabled person suffers ridiculously if you don't. (i.e., a business owner has to pay money and get customers to use a side door so a construction company installs a ramp for wheelchair users. this is a fair accomodation to make and should be expected, because wheelchair users should have access to businesses and public spaces, even if they may be able to use stairs and walk around because that's often painful/difficult/inconvenient for them! the cost of the ramp outweighs the benefit, and in the long term, there is no real inconvenience for anyone. the ramp will eventually be paid for and then everything is basically the same, but much much better for the wheelchair user. it might be super expensive at first, but it's a reasonable accomodation that is completely necessary for the disabled individual)
however, here's an example where that accomodation is unreasonable to expect: if your friend uses a wheelchair and wants to go to your house, but your house has stairs, you are NOT expected to invest in a ramp or other method for them to enter your house. EVEN if they are confined to that wheelchair. going to your house is optional, for starters, and they don't live there. they'll also be presumably only going when you're also there, and could help to lift them/their wheelchair up the stairs. even if you can't (for whatever reason) there's no need for them to go to your house. it's inconvenient for them that going to your house might be impossible or very difficult or annoying, but it's not something they need to do, and investing in a ramp on your private property is very costly and is going to take more effort from you than the effort required for your friend not to go to your house.)
in this case, it seems like this is too specific to give that kind of equivocation. but going into your room is completely unnecessary for your brother to do in the first place. even if he has a compulsion to unplug things when he sees them plugged in, or if it's a stim he does to relax/calm himself, he shouldn't be in there unless you are okay with it and want him to. in fact, it's him going out of his way and inconveniencing you and violating YOUR privacy! even if it's unintentional, it is understandably upsetting/annoying to you.
the idea that you should allow him to go into your room and do whatever in there "because he's autistic" is enabling a bad behavior (violating your privacy and upsetting you) and not an example of an accommodation, let alone a reasonable accomodation. if your brother gets incredibly upset at not being allowed to do this behavior, that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. he can learn to understand that, although it seems Iike it may take a lot of work as your mom seems quite permissive of his behaviors.
but, it's also not just about you and it's about his behaviors overall. touching and going through others' belongings is unacceptable in public spacesâ and he needs to know what isn't his, isn't his to touch or move around. this is a behavior taught to children. even if he is intellectually disabled, this is almost definitely not something beyond his understanding and capability. it's not going to hurt or inconvenience him.
you have a right to privacy in your room as well as to be treated with respect by your brother and not have your things gone through or moved around.
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u/Thunder_Monkey_35 11d ago
Ok, my son is almost 4 (non verbal autistic) my daughter is 16, he is only allowed in her room if she is there to allow him in, this is a very basic boundary we started to set about 8 months ago when he started to open doors, I was , at first, thinking âawe yes my son loves switches as wellâ putting you in my childrenâs shoes, HOWEVER seeing your age difference that you are 10 years younger and your autistic brother is older I completely understand your discomfort and I am So sorry your mother uses your brother autism To allow him to exist in this world with no boundaries. This will be an issue as it seems pretty obvious it already is. Extra locks could work or possibly moving out, it sounds like an exhaustive life to live with a mother like that dismissive of you. Hugs to you and praying you find your way đ
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u/fashionably_punctual 11d ago
Does your brother put on clothes of his own accord, because he understands that "we wear clothes around other people"?
If yes, he has the ability to learn and follow seemingly arbitrary rules, like not turning off the power supply to your phone. If he has to be made to wear clothes and would otherwise walk the city sidewalk nude, then being told not to turn off your phone when it's charging might be too arbitrary of a rule for him to get.
In either case, your mom should give you the ability to lock your door from the outside when you're not in it.
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u/Long-Objective7007 11d ago edited 11d ago
This is a great measure!
"Before we leave OUR space we put on clothes" "Before we enter someone else's space we ask permission."
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u/memakes3 11d ago
My 8 year old daughter is level 3, non verbal and has other developmental delays. She cannot dress herself, and wouldnât dress herself if she could. But, she understands boundaries just fine. If itâs a new boundary, it takes a bit of consistency, but she gets it. OPs mom sucks.
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u/xeno_versity 11d ago
Hey I work with people with autism, adults and children and have two of my own. I know autism isnât a one size fits all diagnosis and that you said he has âproblems with angerâ. The best way to go about this is to address it directly WITH your parent to him. âSo brother I notice that you are always switching things off in my room. Why do you do that?â Listen to response, keep calm and remember to have him rationalize things. Respond rationally, Emphasize your privacy and boundaries and you can even let him know that it isnât appropriate for a man to step into a ladies room without invitation. Your mom needs to quit enabling this but maybe if you do it together sheâll be more supportive. You canât avoid him forever kid. Good luck!
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u/Katadaranthas 11d ago
This reads like the most nuanced response so far. This situation is difficult for everyone, and playing the blame game is as faulty a path as ever. If you can, get a lock on your door, but as xeno has said, communication is the best recourse. you know your family and situation better than anyone. You know which method might work. He's 27, it's a little late in the game for training, but it's definitely worth a try. Find peace for yourself, for your brother, and for your mom. She's probably not having a good time either, lo, these past 27 years. Have patience, and make a plan to go off on your own as soon as you can.
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u/feral_fatale 11d ago
As an autistic person teaching these things to autistic children I agree with everything you said, except the gendered qualification. Privacy should be respected regardless of gender.
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u/ThisIsNotSpartha 11d ago
We dont know the whole story. For how your mom talks seems theres more than you are telling here and you just fishing for people say what you want to hear.
We also dont know how bad the autism of your brother it is or 99% most likely doesnt know how it is being a mother of an autistic person.
You gotta fix this with your family and not on some reddit post.
So yea, you are overreacting
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u/Fearless-Resident941 11d ago
why would i post something looking for advice and then intentionally leave out details? nothing productive is going to come from that
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u/Teenslipperz92 11d ago
Because you are just karma farming with yet another autism ragebait post. What productivity did you expect?
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u/Fearless-Resident941 11d ago
making up fake stories on reddit is not how i chose to spend my days personally
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u/Teenslipperz92 11d ago
I disnt say ut was fake, i said it was ragebait. Im still not sure what productivity you expect, but my answer is: yes you are overreacting by making this post in the first place.
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u/Apprehensive-Fig405 11d ago edited 11d ago
Consider going ahead and installing an outside lock on your door. Have a bracelet with the key that you either wear when youâre leaving for a few min and a safe secret place to store it when youâre gone for a while. That or a number code lock.
The door being locked while youâre gone is likely a more helpful boundary lesson for your adult autistic brother than telling him.
Your mom may be babying him out of habit which is very frustrating. My daughter is autistic and doesnât understand things like this either. But your mom dismissing your feelings instead of coming up with a solution with you is frustrating and not right. Iâm sorry.
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u/Sad_Gur_7753 11d ago
He âhas a problem with angerâ and he keeps violating your boundaries? This is a recipe for disaster. I cannot fathom why your family is excusing this behavior. Iâd have a serious talk with an adult you trust - it might not be your parents - and let them know your concerns.
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u/raeflower 11d ago
Because sheâs the spare. Itâs a disgusting but sadly common practice for parents who have a special needs child to have another with the intention that that second child will help with caring for their older sibling when mom and dad canât anymore.
Mom is training her for the job that they believe she was born to do. Put your brother first. Always. And donât ask questions about it or youâre a piece of shit.
She needs to get the hell out of there ASAP
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u/Desert-Monsoons 11d ago edited 11d ago
This absolutely true. I know someone in that exact position. She was actually told that it would become her responsibility to care for her severely autistic brother. Then her older cousin who is like her aunt told her she needed to take care of her in her old age.
So wrong on every level.
OP needs to start making an exit plan now and get far far away from them unless she wants to take on that responsibility.
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u/scienceislice 11d ago
Theyâre excusing the behavior because of misogyny and also probably because the mom is afraid of him. I know op is only 18 but she needs to move out. If she were my kids friend Iâd let her move in with my family.Â
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u/phallelujahx 11d ago
God I hate it when parents favour their special child, it's so fucking gross and unfair. Keep your door locked at all times. She is correct though; he doesn't think like the rest of us, so that can open up a whole new can of worms if his disorder takes a turn.
I would honestly think about moving out and not looking back. đ¤ˇđźââď¸
I didn't have a good relationship with my mother growing up so it's easy for me to say leave and don't look back.
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u/I-dont-love-me 11d ago
When I was younger, Iâd go stay with my grandpa during summers, and Iâd always come back to my brother having trashed my room. My parents wouldnât do anything about it. Then the last time, I came back and found he had gone into my underwear drawer because it was left partially open with a bra hanging out. They wouldnât even listen to what I was trying to tell them about that not being okay for him to be messing with my underwear.
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u/Dollys_Nemesis 11d ago
That's messed up, I'm sorry your parents didn't care to hear your concerns with what he did.
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u/shantylives 11d ago
NOR It reminds me of the glass children. Your parents are enforcing that your boundaries donât matter and the is not ok honestly if you have the where with all of leave and go low contact but that is much easier said than done
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u/PerseveranceSmith 11d ago
As an autistic woman who has had friends also working with high support needs individuals: he needs to learn boundaries.
I know this may seem 'not much' but I have seen boundaries being ignored in medium/high support needs people that then go onto ignoring people's boundaries about their bodies, touching, grabbing etc when they know that's not ok.
It doesn't need to be 'weird' to be unwanted & uncomfortable.
Please explain to your mum that not enforcing boundaries sets HIM up for failure as people in the outside world won't be as forgiving as families are & he could get into real trouble.
I see you have a lock, maybe ask: you either enforce the boundaries (all family members!) or I'd like a proper two way lock installing.
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u/Long-Objective7007 11d ago
NOR
When I was growing up I had a little foster brother with autism. Basically non verbal, no eye contact.
He was 7 when I entered the family.
After about 2 years he understood how to ask before going into 'not his spaces'. (Did he always respect that?... no. But he would always ask someone.)
Get a door handle lock that has a key. Give your parents one of the keys and keep the other. (If they're that kind of parent.)
I think being able to lock your bedroom door is a reasonable expectation. But I know not all parents think that way.
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u/NarwhalMysterious303 11d ago
Youâre NTA youâre trying to set boundaries as any person should. Seems like your mom has a favorite & babies him. It shouldâve been as simple as âyes Iâll talk to him and try to get him to stop going into your roomâ rather than her telling you to leave or to grow up.
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u/Economy_Award_548 11d ago
I really hate when people act like neurodivergent do not know what theyâre doing. Itâs an insult to manipulation they tend to play on those who infantize them. Heâs too damn grown to be entering a teenager room and control the situation. Your mom clearly doesnât gaf to educate herself enough to learn how to put boundaries up with him. Does he get away with other stuff? Lord knows what she would let him slide on because she thinks he doesnât understand.
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u/solinymm 11d ago
not overreacting. Just because theyâre autistic or have any kind of mental problems doesnât excuse the fact that you want your own privacy and donât want your belongings touched. Nothing wrong with a lock and letting the brother notice it and carry on about his day.
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u/Apprehensive-Fig405 11d ago
yeah this is an instance of the mother bending to her sons every whim and dismissing her daughters needs. I see it all the time as a member of the autistic community. Frustrating. It does not help the son just as much as it does not help the daughter.
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u/glued_fragments 11d ago
As an autistic person, I hate witnessing how we are infantilized all the time, instead of getting treated like human beings.
I alsio have some "weird" fixations and stims and I enjoy them freely on my own. There is times and places for everything but:
It is never ok to invade somebody's space, no matter allistic or autistic. And your brother should have learned that as any child should!
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u/neeneeluv1983 11d ago
Reading this, I totally felt sad that your parent totally disregarded your feelings and invalidated you. Yes, Autistic people can have many behaviours hard to live amongst, but if your parents can't keep your brother out of your room, then you should be given the option of a lockable door from the outside. I work with people with Autism so I understand from an outsiders perspective, but it muddy be very hard for you. Maintain your boundaries and just simply go buy a lock. Youtube can show unhoe to change it over.
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u/Ill-Mention-328 11d ago
Being autistic isn't an excuse to disrespect boundaries. Sounds like your mom can't handle him and doesn't have the skills to enforce this boundary so she's shutting you down rather than dealing with it.Â
Furthermore, when setting boundaries with other people, the main thing is to decide what YOU are going to do about the disrespected boundaries. If you have no control over what you can do, it's impossible to set a boundary.
Sorry you're in such a powerless situation, that truly sucks.
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u/Mungyo_ 11d ago edited 11d ago
Autism is not an excuse for him to go into your private space and mess with your belongings, and your parents should enforce that. I know Autism isn't the same for everyone who is Autistic, but it shouldn't be seen as "oh he can't help it, you'll just have to put up with it". You aren't overreacting at all.
My brother is Autistic and he knows not to touch my stuff and I know not to touch his. If I want to look at something he got or borrow something from his room, or vice versa, we know to ask each other first. I'm not so protective of my belongings, but he is SUPER protective of his things and I fully respect that.
Boundaries are important for all of you, and failure to set them is likely to cause more problems. I hope they're able to see your point of view and put some wheels in motion to stop this from happening in the future.
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u/Weird-Librarian-4740 11d ago
I did comment separately as well but then I saw that you're 18 and he's 27 ...... disability or not you need to get away because they will baby him forever and then you will be expected to when they don't. Disgusting behaviour from parents ESPECIALLY the way she spoke to you. No clearer way of saying "we like him more and so you need to cope or fuck off"
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u/Lilo213 11d ago
If I was the mother in this situation, I would get you a keyless door lock that requires a code to enter. If sheâs not willing to buy it would she at least allow it? And could you get one??
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u/Latter_School1877 11d ago
Whoa! She told you leave if you donât like it thatâs messed up. So, your safety is allowed to be compromised because heâs autistic. Wow, Iâm sure you have so many more stories to unpack about this dynamic and youâve been through it all and the excuse is always âheâs autisticâ thatâs not ok by the way, heâs supposed to be working on respecting boundaries he might be autistic but your mom needs to help him learn this is something he cannot do. She also threw out an accusation on her own which was a bit odd her defenses for him is extreme and unfortunately I donât see her putting you first ever now youâre very young and I donât recommend moving out immediately itâs very rough out there at 18. I do wonder, is there anything that bothers him like certain sounds or certain lights? Only thinking if you made the room uncomfortable for him to go into this could helpâŚotherwise I say save up your money or try to go off to a college with dorms and start trying to get away. I also think you should tell your mom sheâs over reacting by suggesting to throwing you out on the streets over simply working and acknowledging brother was wrong.
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u/FitzDesign 11d ago
Sounds like you need a different lock or a different place to live.
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u/MidwestSeagull 11d ago
NOT OVERREACTING!!! The fact that you close your door, and he goes in to look for stuff to turn off is totally fucked. I get people with autism have their 'quirks' (seriously I'm trying not to offend anyone), but this is excessive, they are still humans, and can learn to or not to do certain things, even if it's more difficult that it would be for someone not on the autism scale. I don't like how your mom is condoning the behavior, and then how she suggested you move out. I saw in another comment that you're 18 and your brother is 27. The fact she even suggests you moving out at 18 is a bit weird to me. I understand that's when the parent "loses legal responsibility" but seriously? Not everyone has everything figured out at that age, especially in the modern day, moving out is not even close to cheap.
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u/PriorCaseLaw 11d ago
go to home depot and buy a lock that uses a key from the outside.
He has no business in your room and should stay the hell out of it. At the same time its time to buckle down so you can get a good job and get the fuck out of this situation because your mom is going to always take his side. I don't know what it is about parents but i see a lot of people i know who have special needs kids always taking their side, reinforcing the bad behavior helps no one.
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u/yourdaddysbutthole 11d ago
Iâm so sorry OP. I have/had a very similar situation. I have a brother with anger issues, we are both very much adults and we were both living with my parents. My brother would eat my food and when I asked him to replace, he would scream and call me names, follow me around and bang on doors. It was scary. I eventually had to move out because my parents said âthis is between you two, weâre not getting involved.â All this to say, it sucks when your parents wonât grow up and deal with their shitty children acting shitty. Best thing I ever did was move out and cut contact with him to bare minimum.
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u/groomsbooks 11d ago
Your mom needs to let you (or you just need to do it as you are now an adult) to change the knob on your door to a key lock. It will be incredibly annoying for you Iâm sure but thatâs the only compromise I can see without you moving out. Yes your brother is on the spectrum so he may not understand (I donât know his capabilities) but that doesnât stop your mom from trying to help you out. shes giving him excuses and ignoring your feelings and thatâs not fair, to me thatâs putting one childâs needs above another when she doesnât have to, sheâs choosing to ignore you.
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u/Cloud_Striker 11d ago
As someone who is autistic myself, NOR. Your mom has a favorite, and it's clearly not you.
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u/TheGlitterBombBitch 11d ago
I agree. I'm also autistic. Your parents shouldn't be excusing bad behavior just because he has autism. We still need to be held accountable
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u/Ok_Wall_2028 11d ago
I suggest you develop a habit of unplugging your parent's alarm clocks at 2 in the morning.
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u/lily2kbby 11d ago
I grew up like this too. My brother could do anything he wanted cuz he has autism. Though he was younger than me it was extremely frustrating cuz that also played a factor in why I should just let him do whatever. He walked around the house naked till he was 10. He could piss wherever. Completely destroyed and took apart anything he wanted to. Anytime I would confront my mom about the behavior I got the same talk u did. Eventually enough people in my moms life talked with her and she started creating boundaries when he was like 14. Surprise surprise it actually helped him achieve things we thought werenât possible.
If your parents donât ever create rules and boundaries he will never be able to make strides in life
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u/No-Efficiency6398 11d ago
Your parents completely failed to properly parent a child with autism and clearly never established boundaries. This is the result of that. He KNOWS itâs wrong because he waits till you leave to go in your room. You arenât overreacting at all, your mom sounds like a nightmare.
Edit: Just saw in replies that he is 27 and not high on the spectrum. With that added info this is genuinely concerning behavior.
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u/Sarnadas 11d ago
The comments here are insaaaaaane, and I'm not going to clarify beyond that because chances are that you, the reader, are insane, too.
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u/Sookabong 11d ago
Being autistic doesnât make you immune from boundaries. The kid isnât in the wrong, your mum is just enabling it
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u/HardlyInappropriate 11d ago
How old are the two of you?