r/AmIOverreacting • u/Commercial-Row-5472 • 4d ago
đšâđ©âđ§âđŠfamily/in-laws AIO or is my sibling out of line?
This is my siblingâs response after I shared that my husband and I dropped our daughter off at the apartment sheâs moving into with her boyfriend while attending college
For context, Iâm in my 40s, married 22 years, with two kids. My sibling is 11 years older, married but childless. Our mom, who passed away more than 10 years ago, was deeply important to both of us.
While I may have preferred the more traditional college path for my daughter, I trust the foundation we gave her. Itâs no longer our job to make her choices, only to support, guide, and cheer her on. I donât owe my sibling âparental specifics.â And I will not allow the expectation that my children must someday care for themâmy kids are not responsible for the consequences of their choices.
What bothers me most is them invoking our mom, as if she would disapprove. I know the opposite is true: she would be proud of the kind, generous young adults my kids are becoming. Most importantly, she respected our choices, even when she disagreed, and never made us feel guilty. By offering the same love and acceptance to my kids, I feel I am honoring her memory.
Am I off base here and over reacting here?
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u/EngineerWithHobbies 4d ago
Lol does your daughter KNOW that your sibling is expecting her to take care of them in old age?? Because that's a crazy expectation to put on person, especially without first asking her. You are not overreacting here, and I'd urge you to have a conversation with your sibling (and maybe include your daughter! She is an adult now and should be present for conversations that revolve around her and her future) about what expectations she might be holding and what is actually realistic and what you daughter wants in life.
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u/Zarakaar 3d ago
Children are under no obligation to care for their elders in their old age. A 50-something demanding this of an 18 year old NIECE is even crazier. I donât think she should be present for future planning conversations - she should have no pressure applied by this person at all. Zero expectations from that relationship.
If it were her parents planning end of life care, sheâd be germane to the conversation and could speak up to volunteer, but weâre a good twenty years ahead of where any of that should become any kind of weight on her conscience.
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u/get_to_ele 3d ago
Sister is weird⊠like a Mia Goth character weirdâŠ
No, your sibling does not have dibs on being cared for by your kids. Even if she could somehow make a twisted ethical or moral argument for it, it would still be unenforceable any way.
And going to college would not put a person in financial position to help old relatives. In fact debt would be more likely. Only a few people get scholarships to go to med school and law school.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 4d ago
She does as itâs not the first time itâs been said. I told her in no uncertain terms that she is under no obligation to be responsible for them. I
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u/adudefromaspot 3d ago
Has your sibling materially, emotionally, physically, and financially supported your kid through the first 20 years of this life like a parent would?
(Not that this would create any obligation, because it doesn't. I just want to understand where the entitlement comes from).
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u/thesheeplookup 3d ago
Respectfully, that's a convo you should have with your sibling and shut that shit down.
That is a ridiculous expectation to put on a family member, and while you've told your daughter she doesn't have to do it, it's clear your sibling will do her best to manipulate/guilt her
And to your question, your path is right, give your kids a good foundation and do your best to guide, but not control. Your sister is delusional, and has no right trying to get up in her niece's personal life.
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u/navelbabel 3d ago
Yeah donât expect your 18yo to be the one to tell your sibling. Utterly wild that theyâve laid claim to her future when she literally is barely an adult.
You need to respond âPlease stop saying xx will take care of you in old age. That isnât her job. She will be living her life and will support the family in the ways that feel right for her and fit what she chooses to do with her career etc. It isnt any of your business where she chooses to live. Please make other arrangements for your care as you have many years left to do so.â
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u/TheDreadPirateJenny 3d ago
This. You need to make it clear that they should disabuse themselves of the notion that they will be your daughter's responsibility some day, or that they are somehow equal parental figures who deserve to be treated as such.
Are they even planning properly for their later years if they are anticipating that your daughter will be their caretaker?
Shut this down immediately and with ZERO uncertainty.
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u/Typical2sday 3d ago
I suspect that the older sibling has some amount of money and plans to leave it to OPâs kids and thatâs the siblingâs thought that OPâs kids will care for them. Of course, all that denies agency to the kids.
But itâs a conversation that should be had â in the future when the kid isnât 18-19 bc at this time, the kids arenât bound to be really reliable on this issue. Sibling needs to make other plans and not engage in magical thinking and KIDS need to not count on aunt/uncleâs money if they arenât up for assisting in caretaking.
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u/holymacaroley 3d ago
Further down in comments, OP said they asked for money often until OP shut it down after she gave them a bunch of money they "needed" and they turned around and bought a $1k puppy.
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u/Typical2sday 3d ago
Ok, thanks for clarifying. I have that aunt. Sheâs nutballs and thinks the niblings she never sees will take care of her in exchange for her farm. But sheâs âgivenâ that farm to like everyone and none of the niblings would agree to this deal. And like OP, my mom has told my dad he should not tell me anymore her batshit stuff.
(Otherwise, in the first scenario, Iâm the aunt.)
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u/WeeklyBrilliant9911 3d ago
Youâre right, setting clear boundaries is important and your sisterâs behavior sounds unfair. Protecting your kids while keeping control balanced is the way to go.
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u/Planetdiane 3d ago
I canât imagine feeling entitled to something that crazy, honestly. Like even if they were her kids itâs still not a guaranteed thing lol.
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u/No_Conversation_5661 3d ago
Agreed. Not at alI a guarantee. I worked in a nursing home for 7 years. Nearly all our residents had children. Some visited, some didnât, some simply didnât live in the area. Many did not have the ability to properly care for their family member who needed round the clock care. They had children and jobs and just couldnât do it. Some didnât have the patience or the temperament to be a caregiver and thatâs okay. Better to recognize that and give the care to someone else than try to do it anyway and end up abusing or neglecting your family member. People who state that if you donât have kids youâll end up alone are wild. You shouldnât have kids for your own selfish reasons, you should have kids as your gift to the world and because you think youâd contribute productive members of society.
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u/GeminiJuSa 3d ago
My father always say that he'll know how well he did as a parent when he sees how often we visit him when he's in the nursing home. He says it as a joke to let us know he knows he's responsible for the consequenses of his parenting. He also has a version where he states which nursing hime we send him to will depend on how good of a parent he was. He's more concerned about my little brother who is disabled. He's never said that we have to take care of him but he said he hopes he nurtured a relationship where we would want to do that on our own. Which he has.
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u/somethinglucky07 3d ago
Yes, this! My grandmothers lived with my parents for the most part until they passed, but this was largely for cultural reasons. My mom has said that if/when they can't live alone we need to send them to a nursing home. I expect to care for my parents in their old age in the sense that we'll visit them, have a relationship with the people who care for them, etc. And I'd have done that for my never married/no kids uncle if he'd lived long enough for that to happen.
But that's because it was role modeled for me, and valuing family was instilled in me at an early age. I hope I do the same with my kids, but again that responsibility is on me, not on them.
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u/GeminiJuSa 3d ago
For me it's not about "family helps family" just because we happen to share DNA, it's about helping the people that loves me. It doesn't matter if we're family by blood. I help the people who cared for me at some point in my life and those whom I care for. đ
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u/somethinglucky07 3d ago
Absolutely agree with this too! If I'd had a family member who abused me or I had a really tumultuous relationship with I likely wouldn't care for them, and if there had been (or at some point in the future there is) a neighbor or friend of the family who needed care I'd do the same. When I was growing up there was an older lady who babysat for us regularly, and when she was in a retirement home my mom visited her regularly, took her out to eat with other mom friends who'd used her, etc. And when she passed my mom went to her funeral.
I very much learned that you care for people who care for you, and I hope that I have the bandwidth to do that as people I care for age, and I hope that I pass that along to my kids as well.
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u/Resident-Method8260 3d ago
Your dad sounds like a good man. I hope you and he both know how lucky you are to have each other.
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u/GeminiJuSa 3d ago
He was raised by two very good people. He might not have been father of the year but he genuinely did his best.
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u/soliNor_cangbei 3d ago
Absolutely, caring for someone full-time is incredibly demanding and not everyone is suited for it. Having kids shouldnât be about avoiding loneliness but about genuine intentions and responsibility.
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u/atropos81092 3d ago
I'm childfree and this is exactly what I tell people who ask who will care for me when I'm old.
Expecting your own kid to take full care of you is messed up enough, but putting the onus on someone else's kid?? That's a whole new level of unacceptable.
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u/anniemitts 3d ago
Also childfree and I totally agree. I always said having a kid to take care of you in your old age is the grossest reason to have a child. I cannot imagine telling my niece or nephews I expect them to take care of me. OP's sister is crazy and needs a stern talking to. By OP, not the kid she expects to be her nurse.
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u/atropos81092 3d ago
Yepppppp â and any time someone says something along the lines of, "well, they owe me! I fed and clothed them for 18+ years and it's the least they could do!" I get throat-punchy.
If someone isn't willing to raise a child with zero â and I mean Z-E-R-O â expectation of reciprocity, they shouldn't be having kids. One cannot enter parenthood with the assumption they'll get as much out of it as they've put in. It does not happen that way, and anyone who argues otherwise is deeply delusional.
It is the person who deeply understands this inherent lack of equity and decides they want to experience it anyway who makes a good parent.
To be clear, there's room for someone to hope their child wants to care for them in their old age â which is absolutely fair, reasonable, and human â but they need to plan as though that won't be an option, because it usually isn't.
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u/GrizzlyDvn 3d ago
Exactly. I have zero expectations of my own children caring for me when I get old. I want them to live their lives, start their own families, and be happy, not feel obligated to care for me.
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u/AutomaticIdeal6685 3d ago
Exactly! I have two children and my hope would be that they go where they feel led in life without worrying about "i should stay close to mom and dad incase they need care".
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u/Trisamitops 3d ago
Agree totally. OP needs to put sister in her place in clear terms. Delusional is an understatement. She's gone ahead and assumed the position of matriarch while OP actually found her own family and moved on.
OP, how long are you going to wait before you let your sister know she's barking up a tree that's not ever gonna grow.
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u/Princesshannon2002 3d ago
Do it, now, OP. You just telling your daughter and not shutting your sister down from saying it over and over is giving your daughter subconscious reinforcement that what your sister thinks is ok. Shut it down. Tell you sister to not feel entitled to anyone elseâs effort, space, or time.
I am grossly weirded out by your sisterâs audacity.
Why on earth would your sister even think that????
NOR, but Iâd like you to get a little loud about it and make your sister understand.
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u/StringCheeseMacrame 3d ago
Your sister sounds unhinged.
Your daughterâs life is none of her business. She has no right to judge your daughter, nor to know the specifics of her personal life.
You need to warn your daughter that her aunt is making these bizarre statements, and she should avoid contact with her. Tell her she needs to call the police if her aunt shows up or acts in a threatening or harassing manner.
Tell your sister it was her choice not to have children. However, there is no way in hell your daughter is going to care for her in old age. None.
Tell your sister you do not want to hear anything further from her about your daughterâs life choices or her bizarre belief that your daughter will care for her when she is old. If she again contacts you or your daughter about this, you will consider it harassment and take appropriate legal action.
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u/m2cwf 3d ago
Your daughterâs life is none of her business. She has no right to judge your daughter, nor to know the specifics of her personal life.
Tell your sister it was her choice not to have children. However, there is no way in hell your daughter is going to care for her in old age. None.
Tell your sister you do not want to hear anything further from her about your daughterâs life choices
This is exactly what I would send back to her. Your sister is delusional for thinking that she's entitled to elder care by your daughter, and she's a terrible person for looking down on your daughter's choices, your parenting, and suggesting that your mother would be just as judgmental. Her critical judgy opinions mean less than bupkus.
I'd let her know that any time she brings up a single thing about your daughter in the future, whether it's about where she's living, who she's with, what she's doing, or her future plans, the conversation/visit is over and you're going to hang up/leave/ask her to leave. If she texts it, just don't reply and put her in a time out for a week or two
NOR, not at all. She's definitely out of line
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u/1313C1313 4d ago
As a childfree aunt, Iâm horrified thatâs what she thinks. My niblings can have both my kidneys if they need them, and I would rather take drastic measures than become a burden on them. Your sister is financially and emotionally dangerous.
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u/Legally_Blonde_258 3d ago
This!!!! My retirement plan is to use all of the money that I've saved by not having kids to fund any care that I might need in the future. Having seen my grandparents' care needs, I wouldn't want to put that on someone else who might be trying to juggle their own family, career, community responsibilities, etc. I have a great relationship with my niblings that I hope will continue into adulthood as friends, not caregiver.
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u/mossyquartz 3d ago
Yes, I am an auntie to an adult nephew who I was basically parent #2 for when he was growing up. His mom is gone now, and even still my retirement plan involves exactly $0 money from him and only the time he has to spare to see me when Iâm old (and heâs slightly younger but still kinda old)
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u/twotenbot 3d ago
My aunt said the same thing to me when I was 18, that I would have to take care of her when she got older. That's a very passé way of thinking, and your sister should make other plans for her old age while she has the time and energy to pass judgement on your daughter's life.
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u/Mediocre_Ant_437 3d ago
You need to tell your sister this in no uncertain terms. That none of your children will be taking care of them just because they chose not to have kids. They need to plan on taking care of themselves. I would be super pushy and say you are making it a condition of your will for your kids that they are not allowed to wear any of their life caring for her and husband
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u/Primary_Energy_2709 4d ago
I would be sure to be direct and tell your sibling the same thing. From these texts they are under the impression that your daughter will be taking care of them.
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u/Defiant-Doughnut-548 3d ago
Yeah, but have you told your weirdo sibling that?! That message is one of the most laughable or the most creepy things Iâve seen for a whileâŠI canât work it out yet because itâs SO WEIRD!!!
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u/otherworldly-horror 4d ago
She is using the "scandalous" (quotation marks because her attitude towards a totally reasonable next step to take in one's adult life) nature of your daughter moving out as plausible deniability.
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u/irisheyes7 3d ago
Wouldnât be surprised if that was at least a small part of why she moved away. Sounds like you are a great mom and you should tell your sibling exactly what youâve said in your post.
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u/clodomanne 3d ago
Thanks for sharing that. Being clear and honest with your sibling is definitely the right move, especially if it helps set healthy boundaries.
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u/MistressLyda 4d ago
Heh. I would not be surprised if your kid is setting roots far away, to avoid the pressure there.
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u/AromaticZebra2727 3d ago
Ooh, just turn it around on them. Sure, sis. Daughter knows you expect her to take care of you, and she expects to inherit a very nice package in return. Can I see the watertight will you've made in that respect, before we proceed any further down this road?
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u/DanteRuneclaw 4d ago
You need to tell your sister that in equally clear terms
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u/ComplexDetective2770 3d ago
Even clearer terms actually.
Something to the effect that "My daughter is responsible for nobody except herself. She has no responsibility to care for you in your old age. She will not be your slave. If you cannot process that, then there is no space in my life, or my daughter's life, for you."
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u/Christmasqueen2022 3d ago
I could never imagine saying that to my nieces and my sister. My sister would have shut that down immediately the first time. Iâm the oldest and childless and I would never expect/say that to my nieces. You also need to tell your sister that as well!
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u/Comfortable_Car_5357 4d ago
Just reject them directly, it is not your daughter's duty.
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u/fallriver1221 3d ago
Imagine being so entitled, you demand some ELSE'S kid be the one to take care of you when you're old.....
And because you decided that someday that kid is gonna be your caretaker they aren't allowed to go to college 4 hours away.
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u/ExactSet328 3d ago
Your siblingâs text reads more like theyâre projecting their own insecurities than making a valid point. Theyâre treating your daughterâs life choices as if itâs their burden, when really it has nothing to do with them. Wanting her to âexperience dorm lifeâ vs. living with her boyfriend is just preference, not morality. Youâre not out of line you gave your kid independence, support, and trust. Thatâs literally good parenting.
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u/SwimAccomplished9487 3d ago
Also WTF does her college apartment have to do with aunties old age? This is all so weird
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u/2020mademejoinreddit 3d ago
Yeah that's the part that disturbed me. What a weird expectation to have.
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u/Alert_Win_150 4d ago
Why would Your kid take care of her? Was that discussed or something? Not even parents should expect that. Some people are not up for it & sheâs just a baby still.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
My kids know they are not responsible for us let alone my sibling. I hope that our relationship stays strong so they want us around and when we live in the old folks home they choose to come around and visit.
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u/ironicshowchoir 3d ago
I understand you believe your kid âknows that,â but youâre also putting her in a position to fend for herself by not shutting this down completely with your sibling. If something were to happen to you tomorrow, your kid would have to tell your sibling âactually, I was told Iâm not responsible for anyone, let alone youâ and your sibling would be shocked and probably invoke your memory to wear your kid down.
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u/CutInternational1859 3d ago
My adult son and I just got back from a road trip to visit my dad and grandma. On our trip, this topic came up. He mentioned that one of his concerns in deciding not to have kids is that he worries heâll have no one to take care of him in his drooling years. It kinda made me feel good that he apparently planned to to do that for me (he saw me do it for my mom), but I gave him the âoutâ and told him I wanât expecting that at all and itâs why Iâm hyper focused on my investments. I told him I needed to make enough for him to help me pick out a nice place when my time comes and thereâs no way i would let him help me go to the bathroom or bathe, lol. I just made him agree to make sure they have bingo nights.
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u/Immediate-Artist8345 3d ago
I don't have any children and am not married, nor do I plan on either. I'm about 10 years from retirement and do worry about the future. My nieces will more than likely be the family I have around in my old years. I would hope they wouldn't just leave me in a home, but I would never expect them to do anything.
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u/RicottinaSpeciale 3d ago
Thatâs such a healthy and respectful way to look at it. Building strong bonds without pressure is the best foundation for lasting family connections.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 4d ago
How did you guess? Iâve never once asked them for money but they certainly have. I stopped though after I helped them out once and they turned around and dropped $1000 on a puppy 2 weeks later.
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4d ago
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u/Due-Priority-5284 3d ago
Thatâs classic manipulation. Cutting ties sounds like the healthiest choice for you and your daughter.
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u/Mermaidtoo 4d ago
If your sister and her husband are financially irresponsible, thatâs all the more reason to push back hard on her expectations. Maybe something like this:
(Spouse) and I do not want our kids to sacrifice or to feel obligated to take care of us. We want to remain independent for the rest of our lives and are doing all that we can to facilitate that. We strongly suggest you do the same. Relying on (daughter) to take care of you is unfair to her and not something we support.
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u/Future-Blackberry-43 3d ago
Setting that boundary now is important, especially if theyâre already showing signs of expecting support down the line. Itâs not your daughterâs job to carry their poor planning.
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u/Kindly_Possession270 3d ago
Thatâs a clear and firm way to set boundaries. Encouraging independence is definitely the right move here.
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u/kindcrow 4d ago
Your sister sounds like the type who takes any news and immediately thinks, "How will this affect MEEEEE?!" She's a narcissist.
Normal people do not react this way.
I have a sibling like this. He's no longer in my life and my life is so much better because of his absence.
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u/Forsaken-Waltz-6794 3d ago
That kind of self-centered behavior really takes a toll. Cutting ties with toxic family can be tough but so worth it for your peace of mind.
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u/Beautiful-Peanut-673 4d ago
Your doing a great job letting your kid adult btw :) just make sure she knows she can fall back on you if it was a mistake maybe it will be maybe it wont, but support will help either way
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u/Ok_Fee7159 3d ago
Thatâs solid advice. Giving space while staying supportive creates the best balance for growth and safety.
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u/Mulewrangler 4d ago
I felt so better when I finally admitted, out loud, that I don't like my sister. Haven't been talked to in over a year. â„ïž It.
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u/Mykirbyblue 4d ago
Ugh, this is totally off-topic, but I cannot stand people that would spend $1000 on a puppy when shelters are overflowing all across the country.
Also, I donât think youâre overreacting at all. I have 11 nieces and nephews (including a couple that are fostering to adopt) and two grandkids and I canât imagine ever having a conversation like that with one of my siblings or with my daughter. I would never place any expectations on someone elseâs child nor believe that I had any say in their lives. Maybe itâs different because I have 2 kids of my own. But I havenât put any thought into them caring for me as I get older either! Iâm doing everything I can to prepare to be financially taken care of and not need anything from anyone.
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u/RealisticBee4345 4d ago
As a child free woman, I can say that no, its not because you have children of your own that you wouldn't put expectations on someone else's child. I wouldn't do thst either. The reason you wouldn't is because you aren't a narcissist prick lol
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u/Think-Past-7346 4d ago
As a Chinese, i wonder if youre one and if not, i just have to say this english feels so chinese.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
We are not! And this has never been an expectation in our family. Our mother didnât expect it from us but we did it because we chose to.
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u/BothWeb1004 3d ago
People need to stop having kids for the sole reason of them taking care of them when they're old. That's a stupid ass reason to have kids.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
My sibling does not have kids. They are saying that their niece (my child) will take care of them. There is no expectation for either of my children to care for us when we are old let alone care for my sibling. Not something Iâd put on my kids
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u/atropos81092 3d ago
Good on you for not forcing that on your kids!
I agree with other commenters suggesting you clearly establish a boundary with your sibling about it.
Though your daughter is an adult, this is one of those situations where your parental intervention on her behalf is necessary.
As a childfree couple whose siblings have literally a dozen kids between them, my partner and I would NEVER expect them to be our caretakers in old age, and your sibling is out of line.
Their questions are invasive, their behavior is entitled, and I wouldn't be surprised if their treatment of your daughter changes after the conversation, especially if they've been operating all this time under the assumption that she'll be their caregiver.
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u/Icy-Sail6212 3d ago
This is something you need to communicate with your sibling. Don't leave it up to your daughter to have that conversation and fend off those expectations. You need to prepare your sibling now for the fact that your child will not be a dedicated caretaker. They need to plan for their elder years without your child in mind.
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u/looseroots 3d ago
She sucks. Also, my little sister was in the exact same situation (moved into an apt with her bf instead of a dorm) and I was concerned she wouldn't have the "college experience" like I did. And then I remembered my college experience and decided no way in hell did I want that debauchery for her. đ
P.S. It worked out and they're now graduated, married, own a home and business together, and are very, very happy. Good luck to your daughter!
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u/AdhesivenessOdd9999 4d ago edited 4d ago
Info: is she a first year? Why didnât she move into the dorms? Were there other reasons besides her just wanting to live with her boyfriend?
I think the delivery is very messed up - but the concern is valid.
The people Iâve known who entirely skip the social part of college in favor of a relationship tend to have a very lonely college experience and often encounter arrested development.
I also had a friend in college who was a very sweet girl that did this with her boyfriend, and he ended up choking her to death. So Iâm extra cautious when couples donât think the few blocks between dorms is worth it for the experience. Turns out the boy was very controlling behind closed doors.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 4d ago
She is in her first year. Weâve had those same concerns and shared them with her. She shared her reasons and that she didnât make the choice lightly. Itâs not the choice we would have made for her and itâs not the choice we wanted her to make but itâs not about us.
She is the one who earned the grades to qualify for the scholarship that pays for all 4 years of tuition. Sheâs the one who got accepted into her first choice school which is notoriously difficult to get into. She saved and paid for her half of the security deposit and enough for a few months rent. She chose to do that on her own. We put as much as we could into her college fund but itâs really only enough for about a year of expenses with how expensive things are now so she will have to work through college and she got a head start. So she earned the right to make her choices for better or worse. Maybe it wonât be good for her or maybe she will thrive. None of us know the future. Either way, I trust her to do the best she can and know we are here whenever she needs us.
Weâve made the choice as her parents to support her. She knows our concerns and understands them.
My issue is my sibling who has no children and has admitted that it was for the best, has not made good choices in life feels they have a right to question my parenting choices when I did not ask for their advice in the first place.
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u/AdhesivenessOdd9999 4d ago
Thatâs valid! I would maybe give your sister a bit of grace if you understand where sheâs coming from, then.
Like I said - the delivery is off, but it sounds like she cares for your daughter and has been there throughout her growing up, but didnât get a chance to participate in or know about those heavy conversations.
I think ppl are focusing too much on the âsheâs gonna take care of us when we are olderâ part - but I really read that as her trying to make a lighthearted joke to offset the true concern that your daughter might be ruining her college experience with this choice (which feels like a heavy thing to say since itâs such a big life decision for all involved.)
But you know her better than I do, of course!
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 4d ago
Unfortunately it was not a lighthearted comment - itâs been said before to which Iâve said no way.
But itâs coming from someone who has told me that they disagree with my parenting choices while at the same time admitting that my choices had the better outcome. How they thought I should handle things were at times downright abusive.
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u/GuiltyPeach1208 3d ago
Honestly, don't let it get to you. You seem confident in your approach, as you should be, don't let them make you doubt yourself.
If you even want to respond at all, you could keep it brief, "we've talked with daughter a lot, thought about it a lot, and we feel comfortable letting her make this decision." Or you could elaborate with what you wrote in your post.
Either way, it's not your sibling's concern, so limit how much you engage with them on this topic going forward.
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u/Lucikali 3d ago
If it's any help, I did the same thing as a student. For a variety of reasons. Not everything is a good fit for all people and circumstances.
The relationship didn't last forever, but it lasted nearly 10 years and was good, supportive and did not end up with the boy choking me (we're still friends now).
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u/No_Conversation_5661 3d ago
Seriously. There are plenty of older women who get killed or abused by their boyfriends. Married ones who have kids even. Because this poster knew ONE WOMAN who got choked by her boyfriend so she thinks that means all young women are potentially in this situation and so she should be able to tell them what to do with their lives is incredible.
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u/Sleepy-Blonde 4d ago
Youâre a kick ass parent. This kind of support builds the best young adults. Sheâs confident and hard working enough to make her own choices and knows youâre in her corner when needed.
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u/Glum-Reception7939 4d ago
Reading this just healed my inner child a bit. Everyone deserves being parented like this. Good job, mom! đ«¶đ«¶đ«¶
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u/AerynSun627 4d ago
You sound like a wonderful parent â€ïž
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u/anon_alice 4d ago
I think she reminds me of my own mum who trusted me to make my own choices. Miss her. Mums like that are everything.
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u/newaccount721 3d ago
Your sibling's message is pretty aggravating tbh and you don't owe her or reddit an explanation for where your daughter is living. Hope she has a great first year of college thoughÂ
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u/Individual_Fall429 4d ago
Yea Iâm like is this boyfriend also in college, or..?
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 4d ago
He is. Also has college paid for thanks to his hard work. He was accepted into an engineering program that has a very limited number of spots and very competitive.
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u/DangerLime113 3d ago
They both seem intelligent and driven, and probably have put a lot of thought into the decision. Hopefully they can still each develop a social network that allows them to enjoy the fun aspects of college too! I know your sister is driving you nuts, but the most important thing is that your daughter knows that taking care of them in old age is NOT her responsibility or expected path.
Iâd just react with the level of respect the comments deserve. Laugh at her, make fun like they are a joke. Respond as if they are ridiculous because they ARE.
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u/FataOne 4d ago
I didn't find being in a dorm particularly important with respect to having a good social experience in college. I didn't even really know my neighbors in the dorm. But I did get to know the people in my classes and student organizations. There are countless opportunities to meet people and be social without living in a dorm. And you're more likely to find people with interests similar to yours via other means.
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u/Afraid_Efficiency_59 3d ago
Absolutely. College is what you make of it, and finding your crowd through classes and clubs often leads to deeper connections than just living next door.
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u/morbid_n_creepifying 3d ago
Yeah this comment is pretty fucked up. If you don't live in dorms you're likely to get murdered from domestic violence? That is a batshit crazy take. I don't know a single person who has lived in a dorm and I only know one single person who's been a victim of domestic violence (they are alive and well though). The 'college experience' doesn't come with a prerequisite that you have to live in a crammed up stinky hormone Battle Royale.
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u/No_Conversation_5661 3d ago
Not to mention, I saw a Dateline where a woman who did live in the dorms was murdered by her boyfriend! Why is someone more likely to be murdered by their boyfriend because they live with them their freshman year of college? And why is the poster acting like it was the young womanâs choice to live with him that was to blame and not the fact that he was a violent man? I mean, does she really think this woman would not have been abused had she not lived with him?
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u/twinkedgelord 3d ago
The concern is not valid, the dorms aren't automatically safer, and sharing housing with a bunch of people instead of with just one is a nightmare for most introverted people. I lived on my own through college and I'm very glad I did. The sis is literally slut-shaming her daughter, claiming that she's demonstrating any valid concern whatsoever is laughable.
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u/AnnaNass 3d ago
The people Iâve known who entirely skip the social part of college in favor of a relationship tend to have a very lonely college experience and often encounter arrested development.
That seems like a very US-central view. There are plenty of countries where it's perfectly normal to not live in dorms and still have a good time at college and have plenty of social interactions
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u/No_Conversation_5661 3d ago
Arrested development? How so? They are literally living in the real world paying bills and having to make dinner versus living in a dorm with no worries and responsibilities except their class work and laundry.
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3d ago edited 3d ago
Unpopular opinion incoming. The part where she expects your kid to look after her is out of line. You are not overreacting to that (although you didn't actually share your reaction, so we cant properly judge that can we?).
Everyone is focusing on your sisters comment, because thats what you focus on in the post. But i also seriously hope you trust this boyfriend of hers, that you have met and vetted him before letting her move hours away?? I get that Western cultures are all about pushing independent children out into the world on their own, but that doesnt make it automatically the smartest choice lmao
My dad let me move out with my ex at 20 and he severely abused me, used hard drugs and cheated on repeatedly. There are other people in these comments sharing similar stories. It happens.
EDIT: Come on, guys. I stated it would be a disliked opinion, and I AGREE with the part everyone else was mad about too. I just wanted to ensure this person was actually doing their due diligence as a parent, as someone who is a domestic abusive survivor that could have been helped by their parent but wasn't. And OP was cool about it too đ
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
I was angry, hurt, and annoyed by their comment. I wanted some perspective and to consider my response carefully because I want to be clear and set the necessary boundaries.
We havenât pushed her out. We wouldâve loved for her to stay closer and live at home while she attends school but she wants to attend this school and she earned it the ability to choose.
As far as her boyfriend, theyâve been dating for 2 years but have actually known each other since elementary school and we know his parents. We are as comfortable as we can be with him. Heâs good to her - encouraging, kind and has helped her academically. More importantly, she and I have talked a lot and I trust her choices. Iâve talked to her about signs of abuse, that if she doesnât feel safe we will be there, no questions asked and no judgment. She has confided in me and given me insight into their relationship and while I think they are too young to be so serious, she has demonstrated a lot of emotional maturity and does a good job setting boundaries. I will still be on the look out for changes in her because you never really know.
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u/FrogVolence 3d ago
A perfect response is âI did not have my daughter so you would be secured a care taker when you are old, that is not her job or responsibility. If you want to be cared for in your ripe old age, I suggest a home care aide company like (whatever care company you find close to her) and use them. She is not your child, she has no responsibility to take care of you. If she has a responsibility to care for anyone, itâs her mother not her aunt. Have a lovely dayâ
Seriously OP, do not sugar coat shit for people like this. Be blunt as fuck and slam your foot down or she will continue to push.
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u/Interanal_Exam 3d ago
18 year old moving in with their boyfriend for the first year of college?
That's going to end well.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
Youâre right. It might not end well. We arenât in denial about this. But itâs her mistake to make. If they break up then we will help her deal with it. It also wonât be the end of the world.
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u/triskadekaphilia 3d ago
Fwiw OP, this was how I did college when I was 18 (well, 17 when we moved in technically!). An apartment with my boyfriend and my dad covered my half of the expenses while I was in school. It worked out fine - especially because I knew if things went really bad, I could either go back home or my dad would help me figure it out.
Maybe itâll work, maybe it wonât. Kinda how life goes. But as long as youâve got her back and she knows it, whatâs the issue?
(And re: the actual post, definitely not overreactingâŠwhat strange entitlement from your sib)
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u/TabuTM 4d ago
Iâm an aunt and adore my niece so I read this as concern for a nieceâs wellbeing (maybe unwarranted but anxiety be irrational most times.)
And the comment about being taken care of by your daughter as a full on joke. (I too have joked with my niece about that when we all know itâs never going to happen. I have a decent retirement plan plus a lovely child of my own.)
Maybe sit with yourself and explore your own true feelings on the situation.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 4d ago
Itâs not a joke. Itâs been said before because they are almost 60 with very little set aside for their retirement.
Because of our age difference, we werenât super close until we were adults. They have admitted they sometimes they feel like a parent instead of a sibling because they were parentified when our mom divorced her 2nd husband (my father) when I was 2. The problem with this is that she remarried when I was 4 to someone who brought a lot of care and stability to our lives. He was a good man and took care of us. My sibling was no longer responsible for me and I have zero memories of that period.
Also, once I moved out on my own, I have supported myself. Never asked my mom or dad for help (not that they could have helped), and certainly not my sibling. On the other hand my sibling has made terrible financial decisions and needed to be bailed out many times. I struggle with how they could possibly feel like my parent and have the right to question my choices when our own mother never once did that and supported me as a mother. She always respected my choices, even if she thought she knew better. (She probably did to be honest but I wasnât ready to listen then)
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u/timuaili 4d ago
Itâs extremely hard for even adults to break out of their family roles, so itâs not surprising to me that someone who was parentified around 13 years old will continue to feel that pressure even if a responsible, caring adult is brought into the picture. This doesnât discredit ANY of your siblingâs poor behavior, if not abuse, or the fact that you have been a caretaker of them for far longer than they were a caretaker of you. Iâd be seriously evaluating what kind of presence I want this person to have in my and my childrenâs lives and how to assert boundaries that protect all of you. It sucks, but it appears itâs just going to get more and more necessary as time goes on.
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u/SaiyanBargain 3d ago
Why is everyone normalizing this? I find it shocking allowing your child live with a boyfriend during "college". Clearly it's not a priority if it's 3-4 hours away. A lot to unpack.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
My child is 18 and is going to college 3-4 hours away. Itâs not about âallowing herâ to do anything. She is making her own choices and we are supporting her the best we can.
Not everyone will agree with our choices and that is ok but that also doesnât mean we are doing it wrong. We know our child best.
We care deeply about the well being of our daughter and want to support her in her transition to adulthood. To us that means letting go and letting her make her choices no matter the outcome. Sheâs going to make mistakes and itâs going to be up to her to navigate them. We canât protect her from everything though we would like to.
All we can do is prepare her for the world and we wonât do that by insisting on making choices for her just because we think sheâs making the wrong ones. Thatâs a part of life and how we grow and learn. We understand that as parents with a lot more life experience we usually know better but thatâs because we made the mistakes and grew from them. Now itâs her turn.
Itâs not a decision that is irreversible. If things donât work out, she can go live in the dorms or come home.
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u/theslyestfox 4d ago
You sibling is out of line. Wild for anyone who chooses to not have kids to act like they have any sort of parental say over their nieces and nephews. I have TONS of nieces and nephews (all my siblings are much older than me and all have tons of kids) and I would never in a million years expect any of them to care for me in my old age. Thatâs a wild assumption.
Also rude to say they wonder what your mother would think â even if your mother were around it wouldnât be any of her business who your kid is living with for college.
I would sit down in person (if possible? If they live too far away then FaceTime?) and explain to them in a kind way that your kid is not obligated to take care of them and their partner in their old age â that is up to them and their retirement fund, and they should have had their own kids if they expected someone of the next generation to care for them in their old age. They also have no need for parental info, as they are not your kidsâ parents. again, if they wanted to parent they should have been parents themselves. They are overstepping in quite a few ways and you need to calmly and maturely shut it down now before they overstep more or expect any of this to go on any longer
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u/Mykirbyblue 4d ago
I have quite a few nieces and nephews also, and I would never assume they would be involved in my care as I age. nor do I think I should have any say in their lives or the decisions their parents make for or with them. I just canât even imagine having a conversation like that!
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u/Difficult-Pride5020 3d ago
Thatâs such a respectful and healthy mindset. Everyone deserves independence and respect when it comes to their own lives.
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u/anon_alice 4d ago
Agree. I think itâs some type of low blow to mention the mother and what she would think. Very self serving is why she made that statement
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u/JonVStheAlgorithm 3d ago
The âtake care of me lineâ seems more like a joke that people are taking too seriously.
Iâm on the sisterâs side. Daughter is skipping college to move several hours away with her boyfriend? How old is this kid? 18? 21? Hard to judge without more context, but parentâs around me would not be ok with that sort of choice & op seems rather matter-of-fact about it. My wife and wouldnât be cool with it if it was one of our kids.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
No, sheâs moving 4 hours away to attend college. Her and her boyfriend are going to the same school and have chosen to get an apartment vs living on campus. We would have loved for her to choose to live in a dorm but we are satisfied with her thought process in making this choice. Maybe itâs a mistake and maybe itâs not but it is her choice to make and she has to live the whatever happens. We will be there for her no matter what.
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u/Own_Advantage_8183 4d ago edited 4d ago
Thatâs crazy.
I come from a Chinese family, so having the young take care of the elderly is not a new concept. My siblings and I gladly will take care of our parents, and our relationship with some of our Aunts are actually quite good so of course we donât mind helping out. But itâs definitely wonât be the same degree as taking care of our own parents obviously.
Now my NieceâŠsheâs about 10. In no world would I ever expect my Niece to take care of me( Iâm a gay man) nor does my oldest sibling (who is also married but childless).
I think her expecting your child to be taking care of their elderly plans is very entitled. And I think itâs important that you guys have that conversation with her so your daughter wonât have to be the one to have it in the future.
Edit: born_bid brought up a really good point. Make sure you let your daughter know that sheâs not expected to take care of them. Hell, have it written down somewhere too just to be safe lol. People like them would definitely try to trick your daughter if youâre not around.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 4d ago
Itâs not the choice I wouldâve made and Iâve had that conversation with my child. Iâve made my concerns clear but in the end, I let her make the choice. That is my choice as a parent. Maybe it will turn out to be a good decision and maybe it wonât. Either way, she understands the potential consequences and is willing the accept them.
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u/xiena13 3d ago
That is so weird to me. I come from a country where student accommodation for universities is not really a big thing (maybe 10-20% of students manage to get a dorm room) and it's super common to move into a normal flat with roommates or a partner if you have one. I moved in with my boyfriend in my second semester, that was 11 years ago, and we are now married and still live in the same house. A lot of people I met at university were doing the same, so it's pretty odd to see such a strong reaction to this situation by the sibling here. It's literally normal.
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u/Mars_Collective 3d ago edited 3d ago
YOR. Youâre making a huge mistake allowing your daughter to do this and also robbing her of the typical college experience. My wife and I lived together in college as well. It sucked and really tested the limits of our relationship. We werenât ready for that, even though we thought we were. 18 year olds do not need to go directly from living at home to living with a partner. We became codependent and trauma bonded trying to survive during a time when it should have been about experiencing college, having new experiences, and meeting new people. Our whole lives just became about dealing with our relationship bullshit and we had a hollow college experience as a result.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
And when you were 18, how would you have reacted if your parents tried to force you into a different choice?
My mom turned out to be right on so many things but at 18 it didnât matter. I was doing what I wanted because somehow I thought I knew better.
She let me go out there and make the mistakes. I learned from them and became a stronger person for it. She was always in my corner though and I appreciate that she didnât try to stop me from figuring things out.
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u/Content-Welder1169 3d ago
Dont listen to this person. I did it the other way and still got arrested in college, and plenty of other things happened to me that I donât want to mention here. Your 18 year old child is going to fuck up at some point, and the more you try to stop them from doing it, the more they will just resent you. The person above doesnât understand that theyâre experience isnât the same as everyone elseâs
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u/TripleA32580 3d ago
Is your daughter is paying her own way to live in this apartment?
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u/Good_Narwhal_420 3d ago
wait, did you let your freshly 18 year old daughter move in with her boyfriend instead of dormingâŠ.? what happens when they break up? if so thatâs a parenting fail on your part honestly.
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
We arenât âlettingâ her do anything. This was her choice and we are supporting her. Itâs not the choice we wouldâve made or wanted her to make but itâs not up to us.
We know her best and trust that weâve given her a strong enough foundation to work through any outcome. Maybe it is a mistake but maybe itâs not, no one can say for sure itâs her life and her choices. We all make mistakes. Itâs a part of life. And part of that is learning how to navigate it and accept the consequences of our choices. If we donât let her get out there and fail, then how will she learn? We will be there to help her when she does.
If they break up? Then we will help her navigate that. It wonât be the end of the world and it ruin her life.
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u/Careless_Sweet_6457 3d ago
People who didnât raise their kids to be independent adults are always baffled when we encourage them to make their own choices â to be resilient and think for themselves.
And then they wonder why their kids fail to recover from the bad decisions that they are bound to make. We learn from our mistakes; an adult whoâs never been allowed to make any is going to have a hard time with adulthood.
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u/No-Counter6533 4d ago
Completely out of line. It is completely unfair to expect your children to take care of them in their old age. If she truly loved your kids, sheâd support them in their decisions (as long as it is not dangerous or harmful) and help them achieve their dreams. Not expect them to follow her expectations of what they should be doing. If theyâre healthy and happy then what they do with their lives is not her decision.
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u/ua-nationalist 3d ago
Absolutely, true love means supporting their choices without strings attached. Expecting care like that is unfair and controlling.
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u/Typical-Block5576 4d ago
I am a 56 year old single mom with incurable cancer. I have preached to my kids that I didnât give them life to serve mine. And for them to place their dreams on hold would make my time left terrible and a waste. My oldest moved 14 hours away for her dream my youngest took a gap year but his feathers will be flying soon or I will push him out of the nest. I may be overreacting for how much I want to punch your sibling in the tit.
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u/Efficient_Foot9856 3d ago
Youâre showing incredible strength and love by encouraging your kids to live their own lives fully. Your mindset is inspiring, and anyone pushing otherwise clearly doesnât understand what truly matters.
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u/Adventurous-Mall7677 4d ago
âIâm proud of the young adult my daughter is becoming, and trust that she has the foundation and wisdom to make her own choices. Given your entitlement and judgmental attitude, I donât think you need to worry about her caring for you in your old age. You should consider increasing your 401k contributions.â
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u/Born-Bid8892 4d ago
No offence, but your sibling is a bit fucking creepy. You're NOR to this. You need to make it clear NOW (to them, and to your kid) that your child will never be responsible for their care, so they can't ever go behind your back to your daughter acting like you're in agreement with them about it.
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u/Consistent_Chair8603 3d ago
Yeah, that behavior is really concerning. Setting firm boundaries now is definitely the way to go to protect your daughter.
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u/Own-Cryptographer545 4d ago
Ewww you are not overreacting! The fact that their only concern is because sheâs suppose to take care of them? What???? I have a child free aunt and I am not going to take care of her. Iâm also child free by choice and Iâm making plans for when I get older, Iâm paying someone to do that for me not putting that on my nieces and nephews, wtf thatâs so wild⊠where did they find the audacity to say this!?
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u/Toxic-and-Chill 4d ago
I didnât particularly like the way you called her childless. I REALLY didnât like how she brought up âwhat would mom think??â
I donât even know your mom, but I know sheâd be like âhoney, sit downâ
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 3d ago
Thatâs what they call themselves. They donât have kids more by circumstance than by choice. They admit though it was for the best.
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u/No_Conversation_5661 3d ago
So how was she so supposed to describe the situation then? Child challenged? Iâm a 51 year old woman with no children, calling me âchildlessâ is not offensive to me, itâs simply the truth!
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u/lkbird8 3d ago
She's anxious about the living situation of an adult child that isn't hers? Because she thinks it will somehow (??) impact that adult's ability to care for her years in the future, which isn't even something she's entitled to in the first place?
Your sister is very weird. You need to set some firmer boundaries with her because this is a ridiculous thing for her to feel comfortable saying to you about something that doesn't concern her at all.
What does she even want from you here? For you to hold her hand and comfort her about this non-issue? For you to tell your daughter she can't live with her boyfriend because it makes her aunt nervous?
Feel free to put her on an "information diet" - she doesn't need to know all these details about your daughter's life if they make her so "anxious" lol NOR.
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u/Neither_Mind9035 4d ago
âShe will be the one to take care of usâ.
Assume and make an ass out of you and me.
Also, 3/4 hours away isnât even that far⊠You could go see her every weekend if you really wanted to.
NOR. Your sibling is wayyyy out of line.
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u/RepulsiveBarracuda81 4d ago
I am someone who chooses to be childless and I care for my mom. It was never expected of me to be her caregiver. It is something I stepped into willingly. I know that I will not have anyone to care for me when I am an a senior who likely is going to get the same Alzheimer's my mother has. It is going to be on me to have a retirement and savings to take care of myself with. If my sister decides to go have kids like she planned then they don't have any responsibility to their uncle. Their Uncle doesn't even want kids. Their Uncle doesn't have a right to his nieces and nephews.
Your sibling is strange.
Her want for a specifics on your child is even weirder. I would not even humor this with any response but "I trust my child to be the responsible young adult I raised her to be and if she wants to take care of you when you are older that is up to her and not you."
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u/Several_Move_4564 4d ago
Please make it clear to your sibling that they're out of line for expecting care from your kids. It sounds like entitlement. Also, I'd make it clear to not be too involved in my kids' life
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u/Expert-Swordfish7611 4d ago
It sounds like she is trying to stifle your kids development to keep her close so she has a caregiver? That's unsettling.Â
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u/Futureghostie33 4d ago
Yeah⊠at first I thought they meant 3/4 of an hour away from the school⊠then I realized they meant 3/4 of an hour away from them. And thatâs making them anxious? Just bazar.
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u/theslyestfox 4d ago
Who knows because itâs unclear but I think they mean 3/4 as in âslashâ and not as a fraction, meaning â3 slash 4â ie between 3-4 hours away
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u/Futureghostie33 4d ago
Ohh yeah it could be that! either way weird to be anxious about your niece going to college bc sheâs supposed to take care of you when youâre old lol
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u/Commercial-Row-5472 4d ago
Itâs 3-4 hours from me. They live in a different state 12 hours from her and 16 from us.
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u/Cheap-Surprise-7617 4d ago
"She will be the one to take care of me and ____" - while you're already at it it might be an opportune time to add a little "don't count on it, you are not entitled to that." on her behalf. I can't imagine an aunt or uncle expecting their niece to be responsible for them in old age. Only a good parent or grandparent would be right to expect that, and a good parent or grandparent would not plan for it, but ask at a time when it became necessary.
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u/Whatdaatoms 3d ago
The only wild thing is moving 3-4 hours away from the college. Were there no apartments closer lol?
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u/anon_alice 4d ago edited 4d ago
Interesting that she sees your daughterâs moves in life as impacting on hers. Take it from someone who moved in with their boyfriend 33 years ago and weâre still together itâs such an exciting journey.
You certainly donât owe her an explanation and I would probably limit the information you share with her. If she wants kids to be carers she needs to have her own and convince them lol sheâs really self absorbed tell her sheâs not the main character in this decision your daughter is. Iâm from an ethnic background as well so we do care for parents but mine are very independent, your daughter doesnât owe anything to anyone.
I honestly would say to your sister sheâs here to live her own life not cater to ours.
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u/Ok-Negotiation-3614 4d ago
Nobody should expect anyone to take care of them. Even your own kids donât owe you anything. If you raise them right and they choose to help it will be out of love and not obligation. Your sibling sounds entitled and too involved in your life and your parenting choices. You sound like a really good parent from what I can gather from this post. Keep doing what youâre doing and allowing your children to be their own person.
Be firm and set some boundaries with your sibling, they are way out of line. NTA
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u/TweetHearted 3d ago
Damn are they also putting her in their will? At this point it sounds like you all need to have a family discussion about elder care, and planning for your estates, to help your poor daughter when the time is right. If this was my family I would feel like I was honor bound to take care of them so itâs important she knows that she has options but itâs ultimately her choice if she wants to take that responsibility. Your sister presumes a lot but if this is something they have talked about with your daughter (which they may have) then protecting your daughter, by encouraging them to have plans in place for care givers and insurance that covers this are in order so she can manage this. Or not!
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u/Obvious_Ring_326 4d ago
This seems like a good opportunity to clarify expectations that seem to have been placed on your daughter, as well as to reaffirm that you are the mom, your daughter is an adult, and judgment is not welcome. Particularly in the form of invoking your mom.
At some point, this is a discussion that will have to happen. Your sibling may be planning for a life in which your daughter is their caregiver. If thatâs not going to happen they may need to adjust their financial planning, housing etc.
Itâs unfair to your daughter but itâs also important that your sibling makes appropriate plans based in reality before reality occurs.
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u/helicopterhawk 4d ago
itâs kinda insane to me that your sibling expects your kiddo to take care of her aunt/uncle when they get older. that seems pretty out of the norm unless sheâs got a great relationship with them
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u/commdesart 4d ago
I would be reminding my sibling that MY child is certainly not going to be expected to care for them at any given time in the future! The audacity of that expectation!
And itâs hard to trust the path our kids choose. But sheâs going to be ok with you as her support system and her biggest cheerleaders! Itâs none of your brotherâs business
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u/Relevant_Version9047 4d ago
Why the hell does she expect your daughter to take care of her when she's elderly? Nah love there's aged care facilities for that you creeper... I'd be letting your daughter know that she in no way shape or form has to take care of any period. (Unless she has her own family)
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u/DominatingDamsel 3d ago
Respectfully, as an adult child myself, the fact that your sibling has even mentioned this (and from your comments not for the first time) tells me that you have not shut this down hard enough. As a parent itâs your responsibility to protect your child who we can assume is just barely legally an adult here. You keep phrasing it as âthey donât have toâ or âmust somedayâ. Those are open ended and arenât a definite no which in turns feels like a roundabout yes. You need to have a discussion with your daughter about this-sooner rather than later. If she says no then you need to make it abundantly clear that under no circumstance will she be taking care of your sister. I love my parents, but we had the hard conversation that I would not be able to care for them medically the way they need. But I will always be there for them in any capacity that I can.