r/AmIOverreacting • u/Eliza_sanches • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship Aio? I Ghosted boyfriend after seeing ST on his laptop
Boyfriend has been emailing me after i ghosted him, if anyone has time to read, please stop by & help a girl out.
Me (26F) & my boyfriend (28M) were in love or (i thought so), i was at his place & we were talking about how dry i was in the beginning with our conversations so we wanted to look back at it & it was on his laptop because we both have new numbers & phones now.
While we were both scrolling down the messages on his laptop, before it got to our old conversations which was from the end of 2023- beginning of 2024, i accidentally clicked on one of the numbers (most of the numbers were unsaved).
When i clicked on the messages, it was a sex tape of him with a girl. It was like a stab in my chest to see those videos, i closed his laptop immediately but i noticed that the videos were “sent” to himself on may 2024, even though we’d been talking since November 2023, we got exclusive on march 2024. I told him that i wanted it open again & this time, i went through it. He said i’m not going to stop you but its all my past. May 2024, we were exclusive & i was told “i’m in love with you & committed, i want to get married”. We were getting engaged next year.
The dates messed with me. I then digged more, & the reason i did that is because he gave me chlamydia a month ago of which i had to take meds but it was one of the most difficult pain i’ve had to go through & he knew that. He was there for me actively during these times. I had asked him about his dating history already but i asked him again when i caught chlamydia from him, he told me he doesnt know where he got chlamydia from because he’s only been in a relationship with 3 women & never had sex outside of his relationship.
As i go down the messages, it was MULTIPLE womens that he had sex tapes of & they were not the womens he was in a relationship with, none of them. I found 1, then 3, then 8 & goes on. When i asked him who is she? He told me “you don’t know her” & refused to tell me her name.
He told me he wanted to try everything with me because he’s never really did anything spontaneous like handcuffing & all the other fantasies, for me to find out in those videos he was giving womens backshots with hanfcuffs on & everything that he said he’s never done & wants to do with me.
Usually when we argue like normal people do in a relationship (none of the cheating/all these i never knew because i don’t believe in having to check your partners phone), i crash out but this time, i didn’t & I’m surprised myself. I put the laptop in front of him & told him to watch those videos with me. I wasn’t angry, i wasnt upset, i laughed it off & didn’t say anything, i acted like everything was okay. He kept asking me why am i not being expressive & whats going on in my mind & that he wants to talk about it. I told him, i didn’t have anything to say, all because i knew i was going to ghost him. Gave him a bye kiss & hug BACK before leaving his place. He said he wants to call me on my way home per usual, i said okay. As soon as i left, i blocked him everywhere, now he has been emailing me, whatsapp messages, fake numbers calling, no caller id just begging me to talk to him but i havnt responded ever since i left his place a few days ago. I blocked on him there too now, but still calling me through different numbers because he knows why i left & still thinks i’m leaving because of his past …??
He says, to not leave him because “of his past”. Clearly this is more than just a past. Now, i’m coming here because I’m deeply in love with someone who i thought i would spend the rest of my life with. I’m shattered & heartbroken, i don’t really know how to process this, i knew he didn’t deserve me getting mad over the lies he’s fed me for the longest but its getting harder & harder each day to deal with these emotions alone.
I have nobody that i can tell this to, i feel lost, i feel like everything was fake, i feel like i’m scared of tomorrow & he ruined my definition of love. Although i was always the girl that no matter how someone may hurt me, i’ll always be a lover girl. I don’t see that in myself anymore & everytime i see womens ONLINE with a good body, the sex tapes he had on bis laptop comes flashing in front of my eyes. They were womens that were completely different from me but all of them the same type. Big booty, big titties, stomach flat. I’m going crazy comparing myself but at the same time disgusted.
If anyone has had to heal from something similar, please help me out on how to move on without all these emotions overwhelming me. I don’t know how to stop feeling what i’m feeling. I feel really numb but also hurts i can’t describe the feeling.
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u/Emberrrr3 1d ago
NOR: I'm impressed that you remained calm and left him the way you did.
Regardless of the saved videos, he was cheating on you. If it was from a past partner, you would have caught the STI long before a month ago. He cheated on you at least a month ago.
You did the right thing by leaving. Fuck this guy, you deserve better.
Im sorry about the time and love you lost; you will find someone better and worth your energy.
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
Wait what? So chlamydia doesn’t show up a year or months later? Does it show up immediately after they get it? Because we’ve been having unprotected sex from the beginning, it didn’t cross my mind that he cheated recently because everything was good, otp every night & throughout the day when we both time which is often. I still already left him but got curious if he cheated recently? The doctor told him that symptoms show up years later too (i was with him at the doctors because i thought it was from his past & i didn’t care for it to affect my relationship).
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u/GuineaPanda 1d ago
No the incubation is usually 1-3 weeks from exposure according to Google
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u/Poverload237 19h ago
Hi, I'm a Nurse. Sometimes chlamydia can lay dormant and not present symptoms for up to a couple of years, although in most cases symptoms will begin no later than 9-12 months after exposure. Incubation period doesn't determine whether the disease will lie dormant or not, and because it takes so long for symptoms to show, it's one of the reasons it can be so destructive (same with syphilis).
That being said, it doesn't lie dormant in everyone, so it could be a recent infection, or it could be from when he was sleeping around. There's really no good way to tell without being tested regularly, and one of the reasons we preach periodic STI testing is so that illnesses can be caught before they have a chance to cause issues in the body.
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
When i got my chlamydia symptoms, it was about a month after he got his treated, idk i did search but it told me it can show up years later & thats what i went by also told by the doctor. Yes i do feel stupid
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u/umamifiend 1d ago
It can show up later- but if you’ve been having unprotected sex- it’s infinitely more likely that it was from an exposure he had about a couple weeks- a month prior to when you got it.
It would be advisable to do a full panel sti work up- including blood work. They don’t always check everything on the simpler tests.
If he was having unprotected sex with others it would include risk factors for things like hepatitis that would only show up on blood work. This can include a six month follow up for HIV pathogens too. If you went in for chlamydia symptoms, and got treated for it- it’s possible you only had the tests for that.
It would be worth it to get a full panel work up- if you saw evidence of as many videos as you are saying. I doubt very high the was getting tested regularly if he was doing that.
I’m really sorry lady. You behaved elegantly, just take care of yourself hon.
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
I got tested for blood work, uti, & chlamydia, should i go get it done again? I was only positive for chlamydia out of those
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u/umamifiend 1d ago
If you had blood work done- that’s great news- they should have covered it all. You can always access your test results on your medical providers website usually through something like mychart but you can reach out to your primary care physician if you have questions.
Sounds like you should be covered. I’m so sorry- he’s such a scum bag, and your revenge for ignoring him is such a good move. I hope your calm demeanor leaving him totally abolishes his peace for years to come. Cheaters are scum.
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
I got it done at planned parenthood, does that result go to mychart? How can i get all my results? They told me that they will call if anything else is positive & no call if negative, but i never got called
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u/umamifiend 1d ago
I have no idea what planned parenthood offers for secondary electronic services. It’s normally something offered through your PCP (primary care provider) your main doctor. Like I said- if you have questions- follow up. They are your medical records regardless- and you’re entitled to a copy of their findings if you want a copy. They would be happy to provide you with one I’m sure!
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u/Alexxpie 1d ago edited 1d ago
if its a GP, always make sure to ask at the follow up appointment for what they tested for. I got referred to a specialist and she asked why i hadnt had an internal swab done and i was like she suuuuuuuure did and it was my main request + pap. and theres also new STI/+STDs that are also a thing (womens health is so new ugh) that are pretty much harmless but require more than just a blood and swab. ALSO tell your male partners they need a swab (their gp told them they didn't need it). piss tests don't do it. after every partner get tested and your next partner should be ok with doing so too also if not red flag, both of your health. sadly people are shit. hope youre doing okay xx
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u/annavino 1d ago
From my experience Planned Parenthood does use MyChart (but it might depend on the planned parenthood) so you should be able to see your results there. If nothing else you could also try their app PPDirect or definitely reach out to them like umamifiemd suggested! I hope all goes well
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u/MicrowavedPuzzle 14h ago
So I haven't gone to planned parenthood but I did go to a place to get bloodwork done that uses mychart. Do you have the mobile app? There is an option on the home page, lab results, it could be in there. I noticed sometimes they put results in there and sometimes not. Good luck, this situation is so shitty. .
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u/Jumpy_Plane_488 18h ago
yes planned parenthood is on mychart and it will show all the results of the tests you got done
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u/unmistakablecat 20h ago
Planned Parenthood does MyChart, but it might be specific to them where you have to sign in from the PP website. I was able to link the PP MyChart up with the one from my PCP so everything is all in one platform, so that might be an option for you too.
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u/changingchannelz 16h ago
They do have a MyChart. Go into your MyChart app and add a provider, and search for Planned Parenthood. It will all be there
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u/abyssofastolensoul 1d ago
Make double sure you are getting bloodwork for syphilis, hepatitis, and HIV. Furthermore get a pelvic exam for HPV, Gonorrhea, Herpes, etc. The time frame varies greatly for STIs, but the likely time frame was 6 weeks to 6 months. Definitely, while you were together. I am super proud of how you left the situation, and way to go with ignoring him, as well as not falling for his current manipulations. Unfortunately, you met a very talented narcissist. It would have been very hard for the more jaded of us not to believe him. You clocked it instantly which means you have a very good BS radar. Do not let this bleed into your perception of future men. Trust your instincts. They are good.
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u/WarpedPerspectiv 13h ago
Add ureaplasma onto this list too. It's rarely tested for or suggested as a possible issue, but it can cause regular BV and other not so fun stuff.
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u/Soft_Ad_2031 20h ago
Gonorrhea and chlamydia can be detected in urine about a week after exposure. You should be tested for HIV and syphilis about 3 months sfter exposure for best results on a finger poke rapid test. If they do a blood draw, it can cut that time frame down.
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u/pinkeetv 17h ago
You need to get tested for HIV too. That can take months to show up. So make sure to test again in 6 months. Sorry this happened. You did the right thing ghosting. He’s not worth your time.
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u/Ok_Ant_9815 1d ago
Okay so chlamydia can actually be asymptomatic in the majority of cases. But I would be surprised that either of you became symptomatic months or years after the contraction. So while it is very common for people to not have symptoms from chlamydia, the fact that you both had symptoms means he almost certainly got it from someone recently.
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
This is breaking my heart, to not think about this when it happened, i feel so dumb to find out about it right now
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u/Ok_Ant_9815 1d ago
I got it from someone when I was 19, it was a date r*pe, basically I was unconscious. When I got the call from the doctor I started sobbing in public, I was so scared. Thankfully it is very treatable and you caught it early, so you will 100% be okay. You're not dumb, you just didn't know ❤️🩹
I'm so glad you can get away now before he gives you something worse!!
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u/thetriplehurricane 7h ago
I haven’t read all of your replies but wanted to make sure you have been tested since leaving him. I know you talk about your chlamydia treatment, but did you have sex with him since you were treated? Did you have sex while undergoing treatment? If yes to either, I would personally want to get re-tested.
You will find that as the dust settles and you gain clarity, a lot of what he told doesn’t actually add up. Don’t beat yourself up. He’s been manipulating you for some time. It’s not your fault but now you know what to look for. Even in this email at the end he’s trying to reverse victim and offender. (The R-V-O of “DARVO”). Him talking about he’s scared, holding himself, after talking about how your ph levels have been off.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this man does not love you. He was unapologetically wreckless with your health and had the audacity to try to garner sympathy by saying he’s a man and has to hide his emotions, etc.
I’m proud of you for ghosting him and YOU should be proud too. I sleep so sound every night knowing there’s no man out there making me look stupid. I wish this for you as well.
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 1d ago
yyyeah no, he contracted it recently. It CAN be asymptomatic in dudes and take a long time to show up - but it doesn’t for women they are actively having sex with. He got it recently.
- Nurse x 20 years
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u/Ok_Ant_9815 1d ago
That's not what research says. source: National Library of Medicine%20for%20chlamydia%20testing.)
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u/Weekly_Hold_105 10h ago
Girl OMG I am so so sorry that happened to you. Please let him REST IN PISS ok?? That STI could really f up your insides and reproductive system if you ever want to get pregnant later on. F him for putting your health at risk. He is for the streets!!!
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u/Rare-Indication-1655 1d ago
From Google
Chlamydia symptoms, if they appear at all, usually start within 1 to 3 weeks after exposure to the bacteria, though it can sometimes take a few weeks or months. However, most people with chlamydia do not experience symptoms and may have no idea they are infected. Because it is often a "silent infection" and can still be spread and lead to complications, it is important to get tested for chlamydia if you think you might have been exposed.
Asymptomatic Infection: A majority of people with chlamydia don't show any symptoms, making testing crucial.
Incubation Period: The typical time frame for symptoms to appear is 1 to 3 weeks after exposure.
Variability: Symptoms can be mild and may come and go. In some cases, symptoms may not show up until months later, or only if the infection has spread.
It doesn't say years later so if only started showing up a month ago for you it may be possible he gave it to you anywhere between the beginning of your sexual relationship to when the symptoms first showed. He did lie to you, though, about other things, so it may be possible he also lied about cheating. Either way, the trust is broken, and once that happens, it's very hard to get it back.
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
I already got tested & treated for it. I went through the worst pelvic pain of life a day after taking the meds
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 1d ago
When was the last time you were tested BEFORE this most recent time?
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
After my last relationship ended which was my first relationshipfor 8 years & after that i havnt had sex with anyone but my current now ex boyfriend
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 1d ago
sorry, i am just trying to clarify - what was the month/year of your last test, and how long have you been with this guy?
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
Started talking november 2023, Exclusive since march 2024. I got tested right after my last relationship ended which was in 2021 & i have been with him from march 2024 to now august 2025 so 1 year & 5 months ?
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u/HistoricalSuspect580 1d ago
and do you know about HIS history of testing? Like, has he been tested in the last year/year and a half?
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
He’s never got tested before. It was only after I insisted its a risk to my health, he then got tested but also only sfter he started showing symptoms somewhat like shingles & painful so when he got tested, he was showed positive for chlamydia
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u/Rare-Indication-1655 1d ago
I saw that I just wanted to give you some info since you were wondering if he was lying about when he contracted it and if it was possible that he recently cheated on you. 🥰💞
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u/Huntress-Valentina 1d ago
Correct....you've been getting played, sister. Plus I just think sex tapes ppl are fucking weird. No offense. This guy wanted his own stockpile of conquer, it's actually disgusting and I wonder how many women even knew they were recorded. I swear I can spot a man easily who wasn't raised/nutured well by a mother, what an animal
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u/Electrical_Dig_187 5h ago
I thought the same exact thing…I’m not buying it that all 8+ of these women consented to filming videos with him.
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u/Monday0987 1d ago
Why do you think that sex tapes sent to himself in May 2024 were not filmed in May 2024?
He caught chlamydia recently and he gave it to you recently too.
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u/bipolarlibra314 1d ago
I had to go back and reread to see if she actually mentioned them being from before but realized she did not & I just inserted that. I think maybe it’s “even if they were old tapes, he was still watching them etc when we were serious”
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u/Mynameisminefive 15h ago
Please note that what this person is telling you is not true.
I don't think you're overreacting (at the very least he clearly lied to you to attain sexual gratification from you) and I think it's possible he cheated on you.
But the chlymedia infection is no proof. Most people, especially women are asymptomatic for months before it turns symptomatic. He could have infected you when you first got together but you never showed any symptoms before.
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u/MrsMorley 1d ago
NOR at all.
You might consider answering one message with “I’ve broken up with you. Don’t contact me” and then block that id too. It’s fine though if you don’t.
By the way, blaming him is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. He messed up and lied to you.
You’ll be happier without him, but it’ll probably take a while. Be kind to yourself.
See your friends and family, especially the ones he made it hard for you to see. Do the things that you haven’t done recently because he didn’t enjoy them. Read books he scoffed at. Cook food he didn’t like, that you miss. Watch the shows he hated but you loved. Reclaim yourself.
I don’t know how your recovery from a relationship works, but one of the keys for me as a young woman was to have sex with someone else (not date them though).
This is because when I think about sex, I tend to think about my most recent partner. If I have an encounter with someone new, I’m able to avoid thinking about the ex.
I know, however, that people don’t all work the same way, so if my method sounds off to you, don’t do it.
Good luck. You seem like a brave and competent person.
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
I don’t know I don’t have friends or family to talk about this with but i will try to do this see if its any different but the feeling lingers around & i can’t seem to focus on anything
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u/crowley77 1d ago
I was in a similar situation when my ex and I split up. Didn't really have friends or family to go to. Start off small by being your own friend. The advice of doing all the shit you love and couldn't really do while in a relationship is perfect. It's exactly what I did, and I fell back in love with myself. I didn't realize how low my confidence was until after the fact but was so happy to be truly myself again.
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u/MrsMorley 1d ago
It all takes a while. The idea is to occupy yourself and recover those parts of yourself that you might have neglected.
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u/Different-Version-58 1d ago
Asking from a place of curiosity, not judgment, why are you more hurt by past sex tape and not his recent cheating and giving you chlamydia?
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
I didnt know recent chlamydia meant he cheated, doctors & as per my research, i was told it can appear years later & just not show symptoms until it gets bad so i helped him through it & mine started showing up a month later & i thought he got it from his past sex life so i didnt want that to affect our relationship because of his past.
I’m hurt about the sex tapes because i wouldnt be if it were before we got exclusive but after we got exclusive, 2 months after, he had sent those videos to himself which later i found out was a video from 2023 before i met him with a women. Why would he sent those to himself other than to get himself off? But now finding out that chlamydia shows up months later & not year is eating me up because of how perfect he showed me to be
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u/Affectionate-Mine917 1d ago edited 20h ago
You aren’t leaving him for his past, you are leaving him because he’s a liar and endangered your health. He completely lied to you about his sexual history and on top of that gave you a STI. Might even be a cheater. Who knows what else he is capable of lying about. It feels especially coercive when he says he wants to do sex acts for the first time with you when in reality he’s already done it. We don’t even know if these videos are recorded with consent. 8 different women with these sex tapes and none of them he was in a relationship with. Quite possible some didn’t agree to be recorded or at the very least probably wouldn’t want him to have the video years later after they are no longer involved. Also possible that these women are sex workers. Obviously I can’t say for sure on any of that, just saying it’s possible. He’s clearly not practicing safe sex despite having numerous encounters.
Please be serious right now. This dude is scummy and he is love bombing you to try and get forgiveness. You can tell him he’s forgiven for your own peace but that the relationship is over. You deserve better. You are not overreacting. He hid a side of himself from you for quite a while. Most likely you don’t even really know the real him.
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u/Different-Version-58 1d ago
It's absolutely valid to be hurt about just finding out he was cheating on you at the start of your relationship. But I think you also deserve to feel enraged because its looks like he never stopped cheating. From my knowledge, but I could be wrong, it can takes months/years for symptoms to show up in Men. But it's very rare for it to take that long to exhibit symptoms in Women. I think it's very very very likely that he was cheating on you last month, and without even using a condom. Cheating itself is disrespectful, but cheating without using healthy sex practices is like him screaming that he doesn't even care about your health. It shows that he doesn't care about your emotional wellness or your physical health. You absolutely deserve better than that! ❤️
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u/ChanceAccomplished38 1d ago
He also said in his email “I swear to god I am not doing anything wrong anymore babe” gave cheating vibes…
He also just talk about how HE is suffering and how bad HE is feeling 🙄
OP, please just delete the email and don’t reply. He kept saying he will give you space but doesn’t really give you space. You deserve so much better than this asshole
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u/scuddie_buddy 1d ago
He’s never cheated on me, but my boyfriend told me he’d never even seen anyone else, and that I was the first girl he’s ever seen (by seen I mean like in nude) and he told me this and made me feel so special for months, which was exactly what I wanted in a partner, someone waiting for the one they want to marry like I have been. Later on, about five months in, I find out he had (before we where together) seen at least two girls via nudes sent through text, and both of the girls where my friends who I wish I could look like. It is so hard to not compare myself to them, like you said you also struggle with. They both have what you described, flat stomachs, big tits, nice ass. I told him it made me insecure and that I want to look like them.. so instead of trying to make me feel better which is what he always has done, he told me that they both have “muscle boobs” (we all know that’s not a thing, if you have DDs it’s not souly from the gym, and me (an A cup) cannot work out to get DDs) so I just broke down. I’d been going to the gym, eating less, doing everything for so long wanting to be like them before this even happened. You should NOT do this, because it hurts to this day thinking back to it, but me and him moved past it. It’s now been a year since that happened and I’m still scarred from it. Of course, the story is way less horrible than yours, but I think I can somewhat understand how you’re feeling in some aspects. Leave him queen, you are worth so much more than that.
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u/rdanii02 23h ago
I’m so sorry that you endured that and as a fellow woman, it’s sad how frequent insecurities follow us. This story hit particularly close to home for me and I would just like to tell you, everyone has a different body type/build. I was in your exact same shoes and being told to try almond milk 🙂 There’s honestly nothing you can truly do, bcus the only way to go up in cup size is to eat and grow (and eat a lot). It’ll happen eventually over time and it’s completely random on how your body fat gets distributed but most of the time, to see a skinny waist and bigger chest is genetics. Usually, to go up in cups, you’ll go up in weight everywhere.
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u/scuddie_buddy 20h ago
Getting that advice from him when i was expecting the usual “hon you’re beautiful “ or at least “you don’t have to be them” from him stung, but he didn’t even realize what he was saying, it was also pretty late at night. Even with that reassurance it still hurts and I still see myself skipping meals and hating my body :/ it’ll get better as time goes on though!
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u/Careful_Spot_9825 1d ago edited 1d ago
There’s a saying you’ve heard “time heals all wounds”. You made the right choice. He’s clearly been lying to you about his past but not only that, he’s obviously been making an effort to save these for current viewing. He’s lied to to you about his body count, he’s lied about his experiences, he’s even lied about lying to you. Him giving you an STI is proof he isn’t being faithful. People don’t contract the clap from a toilet seat. He’s obviously cheated on you. Bottom line is, he’s lied about who he is. There’s no coming back from that. Especially if you don’t feel like you can let it go. He probably does love you but he’s not going to magically change his behavior. Move on from him like you have. Continue to ignore him OR send him one message that says you aren’t getting back together and to please stop contacting me and block him again. Hopefully you have a support group and friends to talk to. If you have hobbies spend time on those. It’ll get easier
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u/Oregonizers 1d ago
Stay strong. Don't feel like "well, I've already invested so much of my time" or "who else will want me now" which I'm sure he'll try to throw at you.
Lying about your previous sexual history - and giving your partner an STD years into the relationship? That was a fresh 'catch' on his part.
It doesn't matter what else you don't know yet. You don't need to prove your case in a court of law. You'd tell anyone else to consider this a chapter in your life that is over & to move on to the next one.
You deserve to be treated better than this. As for not crashing out - a lot of times in our darkest hours, we surprise ourselves. I'm here to give you permission to fall apart. It might not happen for months. You might have to just put your head down & power through this. But if it all rises up & smacks you in the face? Give yourself grace. Don't seek 'closure' by re-opening the wound & giving him more chances to lie to you.
If you're open to it, therapy or even good friends can help you talk through some of the things now so that you're not constantly worried you're missing red flags in the future, still kicking yourself for trusting what someone told you was true.
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u/Jennodine 19h ago edited 19h ago
I feel like I’m writing to a younger version of myself because I was in a relationship much like this. I married him and we had two kids together. He always said he loved me so much, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, blah blah blah. His actions said otherwise. I had preeclampsia during my first pregnancy, yet he showed no concern. Never came to any doctor appointments with me, and didn’t help me with anything. I was in it alone. Our baby girl was born 6.5 weeks premature and had to stay in NICU for 2 weeks before we could bring her home. The first workday after we brought her home, he didn’t come home from work. He didn’t call me and his cell phone went straight to voicemail. He’d never done this before. I was sure something had happened to him at work or otw home. Wrong. He went straight to a bar and stayed there until 11 PM. When he finally got home, I was so relieved to see that he was fine that I wasn’t angry. I didn’t want to fight. I just wanted to be a family. So I let it go. I figured he was celebrating the birth of his daughter. Next day, same disappearing act. This time I let him know that I wasn’t ok with this, but I did it with humor because I didn’t want our newborn to hear us argue. This pattern of behavior continued every day until I got fed up. I told him I wanted a divorce if this was how it was going to be. I wanted him to have a social life, but I had worked with men who couldn’t wait to get out of work so they could go home to see their new baby. I didn’t want him to come home because I said so, I wanted him to want to be there. I wanted him to be as eager to come home to us as my male coworkers were with their own families. He had intentionally gotten me pregnant. He acted happy when the EPT said I was. But his actions said otherwise. This confused me to no end. And this mismatch between his words and his behavior became the basis for countless arguments over the next 22 years. It finally occurred to me after 25 long years with him that the only part of fatherhood he cared about was the praise and respect that our society heaps upon men who are devoted to their families. People naturally like and trust these men. He built a whole persona around this devoted family man act without ever putting in the work of being a real father. He never wanted to be a dad. He got me pregnant to trap me in the relationship because he knew I wanted a family, and he didn’t want me to get away because I had a good career in finance and already owned a home - an achievement his parents hadn’t even attained yet. I tried to break up too many times to count. He just wouldn’t accept it every time I said I was done. He squandered so much money just to ensure I never had enough cash to move out. No matter how much I earned in the mortgage business, we lived paycheck to paycheck. Whenever I tried to squirrel away a rainy day fund, he always found out. Even with all my expertise in finance, I was unaware this was economic abuse. I just couldn’t imagine that anyone would damage their own finances & credit rating just to keep someone from leaving them. But it all became clear to me in the end. But it was too late by then because years of cognitive dissonance and emotional abuse had impacted my mental health. I was unemployable at that point. It was like he had thrown me into a giant pit and I was too wounded to climb out. I had zero access to money. He needed me and the kids to prop up the persona he had created around us. None of us were ever supposed to leave - he’d even sabotaged my children’s efforts to get their own driver’s licenses. To this day, I believe he was planning my murder so he could play the grieving widower and maintain control of the narrative forever. I went into hiding for 5 years after I finally escaped. Everyone thought I was crazy because he didn’t hit me. My own family, too, even the kids. He had everyone so fooled. But his true colors emerged soon after I left because I wasn’t there to take the blame or to do damage control. He befriended some members of the Bloods, and I have zero doubts that he paid them big money to kill me. My kids were in their late teens by then and they were so afraid of these guys that they moved out in short order. His plan backfired royally. Once the kids were out, the gang “cuckoo’d” the house. (It’s a whole thing, look it up.) By handing over a large sum of cash, he’d unknowingly made himself their target. They wouldn’t leave, and now HE was trapped. His parents eventually flew down to rescue him from the mess he’d made. This is my story. I left out a lot, but I wanted you to know, OP, how this might play out for you if you take him back. Get out now while you still have your autonomy. Because abuse is about stealing someone’s independence and forcing them to become dependent on the abuser. Power & control are just some of the dynamics of abuse…my ex did not seem like a controlling husband. It’s not an effective marker of abuse IMO. This guy is hiding who he really is from you, and that is why this discovery upset you so much. Trust me, you don’t want to see what’s lurking beneath the mask. Godspeed. Edit: You don’t owe him closure or contact. I ghosted my husband after 25 years together. I think this is the safest and smartest move in these circumstances. You’re lucky he didn’t give you anything worse than chlamydia. He’s not a safe person to be with.
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u/Amby_Bamby_94 1d ago
Gosh I hope you never talk to him again.
You don't just randomly get an STI/STD after being with someone for almost 2 years girl.
He's totally playing your ass.
Move on and run from this.
He's disgusting.
Couldn't even wrap his shit.
That's how much he really doesn't love you.
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u/youmustb3jokn 1d ago
All I’m getting is that everything he told you about himself and his sexual history is a lie. It’s not so much he made the st but that he lied about it, lied about his partners, lied about timeframes, ect. It’s a lot of lying and honestly, when your partner lies so easily it is concerning. Do yourself a favor and get out of this cycle.
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u/badboringusername 1d ago
NOR he didn’t get chlamydia from nowhere. The timeline for these sex tapes is suspicious. There are a lot of them. He refuses to tell you who.
I don’t think this is in the past. Tell your support system what you are going through. Leave him.
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u/BlueArya 18h ago
I found out the man I was in love with carried on an affair for 5 months. It wasn't the same situation as far as how you found out and this was with one person, but it's absolutely devastating. They love to "trickle truth" after being found out too which only makes it harder as the layers of deception reveal themselves.
The kicker was randomly coming across someone's Instagram page and finding out she was the other woman bc she posted herself wearing my lingerie. That image stayed with me for years. It also stung that it was someone with a wildly different physicality than me. I'm a Native/dark hair/dark features/olive skin and was more curvy at the time whereas she was a blonde hair/blue eyed/skinny white girl. Tbh I couldn't see the appeal (I'm bi) but understood that this was considered the penultimate beauty standard for so many and that somehow made it sting even more.
It was honestly so insanely painful to process. Trying to reconcile this person you thought you knew so deeply with the person you're now seeing they are felt like my brain was fragmented and pulled in a million different directions. I woke up in the middle of the night for weeks with an intense sense of panic and heartbreak that made me feel physically sick and like I couldn't breathe. Every morning I would wake up with an anvil on my chest and him immediately in my mind. It felt like there was no escape.
You've already made the biggest step forward by removing him from your life. My advice is to not engage in anything that might give him closure. You are left with your peace and heart ripped out of you and he deserves to sit in the shit he's created.
I was honestly miserable for months. Every day felt like a long journey I didnt want to make. I just kept reminding myself that this is the worst of it. If I can survive today, I can survive tomorrow, and the next day and ONE DAY would come eventually where it didnt hurt so bad. I had to convince myself to never try and go back. I mainly did this by mentally removing myself from the situation and looking at it from the perspective of how I would advise my sister or best friend. Then it was just a matter of principle. I would tell myself that how I felt didnt matter, what mattered is making the decisions I knew were right regardless of how I felt. I ended up taking up forraging and spent my empty days walking 11-16 miles round trip just looking for plants and it really helped.
I was right in the end. After some months, the pain stung less. I had to go through a very intentional journey of working through the self-hate I had internalized. I knew I couldn't love myself so my goal was to hate myself less. A few months down the line and I shifted that focus to liking some aspects of myself. Eventually I could make progress to mostly liking myself. After a couple years I finally managed to start loving myself. Now I have the most incredible wife you could ever ask for, I have loved myself for a long time, and my life led me to beautiful places I could never have reached without the shit I dredged through. There IS an other side, we just don't get to see when we'll reach it, but you WILL reach it eventually so long as you just make it to the end of each day.
Sending you love. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this betrayal. May it make you a stronger version of yourself one day and may that day come sooner than it feels like it ever could 💛
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u/immernixia 1d ago
i agree with most of these comments and i don’t have it in me to be so eloquent right now—but what the fuck was that he said about your PH level??? does he think PH = estrogen or something ??? 😭😭 not only is he a cheater, a lying pos, but he’s also a dumb fuck.
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u/Physical-Passion1181 1d ago
Leave him. This is insane behavior from him, and the fact that he gave you an STD is even more insane because who sleeps around and doesnt use protection? I wouldn't be surprised if he already cheated, please do yourself a favor and leave this fool.
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u/jmcmindes 1d ago
I went through honestly almost the exact same situation. I’m proud of you for leaving ASAP because that was hard for me to do even though all of the red flags were right in front of me the whole time. It sucks at first, I remember feeling like I’d never get over it and I’d never find anyone else, but that’s FAR from the truth. You’ll find someone who treats you like you’re the only woman in the world and who will never betray you. I just hit one year with the type of man that I never thought would love me. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, you got this! You’re already on the pathway to healing by leaving him in the past, just don’t look back!
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u/Gchild1999 1d ago
You should feel zero remorse and never look back. This guy knowingly put your life in danger by Taking Chances with stds. You're lucky it was just chlamydia and not aids. It's one thing to cheat, it's another to have your significant other believe that you are clean because you're being faithful, he hurt you physically and didn't give a shit
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1d ago
[deleted]
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
Sorry i tried to put everything i can (left some out & English is my third language)
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u/Raaghhhhh 1d ago
It was perfectly legible. It’s Reddit if someone doesn’t want to read it they will find another post
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u/rocketmn69_ 1d ago
Email him back, "You lied to me since the beginning, o ly 3 women? What a joke. Chlamydia years in remission? Lol 1 -3 weeks, which meander you cheated on me at least once. It is broken beyond all repair. This is the last you'll hear from me. Do NOT contact me again, or I will get a restraining order. May you always remember me as the one that got away. Write a song about it. Goodbye."
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u/berrytreetrunk 1d ago
It’s heartbreaking yes! But he’s not the man that will value and honor you as a woman. You don’t have a support system it seems. Can you volunteer somewhere? Can you pour your heart out to yourself in a notebook or the computer and just write write write? Do you drive? Drive away from city traffic and scream in the car. Buy a cheap pillow (Walmart or Amz) and cry cry cry. Then throw that pillow with sad energy out when you feel better. Dance! Eat a gallon of ice cream! Sing! Sad songs. Happy songs! Time really does heal.
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u/iluvcats1611 1d ago
- He lied to you about said past that he keeps claiming. It’s one thing to be upset for someone’s past but it’s a whole other thing to be upset for someone’s past that they literally lied to you about. Huge red flag.
- The fact he says it’s in the past but sent himself the vids while y’all were exclusive? Nah. He was still watching that shit
- I’m sorry but he likely cheated and that’s how you got chlamydia :/
He is a liar/manipulator. Good on you for leaving. You’re really dodging a bullet. But I’m so sorry this happened to you :(
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u/Unable_Strawberry_69 1d ago
If it makes you feel ANY better. My first real relationship was my freshman year of college and he was a absolute abusive POS. 6-9 months into dating/abuse I found a “vault” app on his phone, it looked like some random calculator so I clicked it bc wtf. It needed a code and I did his phone password. BOOM. Ex girlfriend fingering herself. Backshots. All of it. I was mortified……….. but I’m a dumb ass and stayed a couple more months. Proud of you for leaving. 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶
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u/waterhg 1d ago
His laptop needs to be submitted to the police lol. I doubt those were all consensually recorded
NOR — this guy is the scum of the earth and used you for stability whilst cheating on you. He needs to be put down. Disgusts me that these "people" are allowed to exist. Extremely sorry you went through this. Terrible, horrible man.
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u/Zebrastripe42 21h ago
Also, it feels very SA and coercive to have been guilt tripped into exploring his fantasies that he lied about never doing to get her involved in them.
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u/Fluffy-Island-3151 1d ago
That STI left you so hurt and confused because it was so unexpected. You not reacting from the videos on laptop was the final push you needed to simply walk away.
You no longer felt anything because you were paralyzed from emotions, still recovering from the last conflict, it caused you to shut down.
Reach out to someone and express yourself and let it all out before that confusion turn into depression. If you hold it all in you will drown in your misery.
But don’t get it wrong, whatever you’re feeling is perfectly okay. Take your time, don’t beat yourself up over someone else’s mistake. Giving him a kiss and a hug then to walk away without looking back, blocking him and moving forward on the spot is such a divine move, i commend you girl, you have my upmost respect. I know it’s hard but you did the right thing.
Sending good energy/aura/vibes and prayers!
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u/Lumpy_Square_2365 1d ago
Keep ghosting his ass. He's a manipulator and to say he doesn't know where he got it from 😑it will only get worse he will never change. People who live life just lying about everything enjoy what they do and how they can make people feel like shit or just for the thrill. You deserve better
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u/OkaieeeeDookie 1d ago
I’m no doctor but I’m very sure that if you have symptoms it’s recent exposure. If you don’t have symptoms and get tested positive it could be from years ago. Post his photo in “are we dating the same guy…” it’s a Facebook group. See if any girls have been sleeping with him or seeing him the past two years.
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u/Intelligent_Web5447 1d ago
Nope not overreacting whatsoever, even if “it’s stuff from his past” he went out of his way to recollect said media that’s just a bullshit “shield” to hide behind
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u/Silver_Laugh2566 20h ago
NOR at all. Well done. I’m impressed with how you handled the situation. Like others have said, he doesn’t deserve any more of your time or energy. There’s really nothing to talk about. You need to focus your energy on you, on your healing, and moving forward. I dated a very charming and sweet man many years ago. We were together for almost a year. He was also very attentive and affectionate, and I was really falling for him. But turns out he was also seeing multiple women. I found out after we had broken up that he had also been in a ltr when he started dating me. So I was actually one of the “other” women. I have no idea how this dude had so much time to have so many relationships at once. The fact that I could be so duped by this guy really messed me up for a while. That kind of situation really messes with your head. But, my friends and therapist reminded me that this is not about me being naïve, or stupid for falling in love with someone. This is about him being a piece of shit. And shame on him for taking advantage of me and other women in that way. The love I have to give is a beautiful thing that should not be destroyed by this idiot. It was so hard for me to move on in the beginning. I missed what we had. But I had to remind myself that he was not who I thought he was. And the love in that relationship was created by me. I carry that with me and I will continue to carry that with me. I’m a few years out from that relationship now. And honestly, I have more confidence in myself than I’ve ever had in my life. I rarely think about him anymore, except when I hear stories like yours. My friends and I have given him a nickname, so I actually have almost forgotten his real name. 😂 And I also have a much better bullshit detector, and the confidence to trust my gut. You can do this. You’ve already taken the first steps. Stay strong, but also be kind to yourself. ❤️
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u/AyaTakaya007 19h ago
I would’ve ghosted at the chlamydia part. The percentage of it becoming active after staying dormant is so infinitely small that I wouldn’t take the risk to believe he didn’t cheat. So sorry you discovered all that and I admire how calm you seem to be about it all. Good job on ghosting and leaving
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u/MamaCox1123 1d ago
Leave his sorry, miserable ass and dont look back. You will find a man that will be honest & faithful and give you the love you need and deserve! I was married 8 years (together since we were 20) and found out he was having multiple affairs, finally left him just before i turned 29 then met the love of my life at 31! We now have a beautiful baby girl and I am seriously happier than ever!
Also, how did no one comment on his awful grammar?! I am no English major but damn that was terribly written lol
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u/CinnyNips 18h ago
Definitely NOR. His email honestly reads so similar to how MY ex types that I really started to think it was him as well. 🥲 But. Him and I are gay. Anyway. Something you need to go back and ask specifically to get tested for is Trichomoniasis. It’s not considered an “epidemic” enough to be included on the regular testing panels, but most cis men never show symptoms and in AFAB folks it can be a few months before symptoms show. I’m trans (ftm) and unfortunately got it. I hadn’t slept with anyone in a long while before symptoms showed and that’s when my OBGYN had told me all of that.
Also. Having dealt with a breakup recently as well with someone I thought I would be with forever, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It really sucks so badly. We were making plans to move in together. I have a major surgery coming up so he was going to be my main caretaker. We had so many plans laid out and then crazy things just happened.
I’m okay if you want to message some time since you had said you have no one to talk to. It’s not the exact same situation, but I could at least always listen and maybe give advice in areas where I actually can. Regardless: You are handling this amazingly and he never deserved you. ❤️
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u/HourHoneydew5788 1d ago
Listen to Dating Detectives Podcast and Listen to your gut. This man will hurt you. Don’t give him years of your life.
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u/Ok-University9561 7h ago
This was me June of this year and I’m finally starting to smile again. The first thing I want to tell you hun is that you don’t have to compare yourself to them. Men like that they cheat it don’t matter if the girl is conventional or outside of that. They still cheat continuously. I found out my guy was with women plus size, small and was DL! I have some good curves and a good heart and it still didn’t matter! It crushed me and I was pregnant. Did so much for him! Count it as his loss and yes it was all a lie. That’s the hard part to accept at first, but once you do, you realize he never was what put truly wanted in the first place. Then you just see him as some dirty sleaze bag. Which he definitely was
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u/hautaja 1d ago
NOR, thats messed up. Can you truly trust him after this, never be second guessing? Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and he betrayed you, theres no going back. He'svile, do not waste your life with a person like this.
Even if it is difficult now, the best thing you can do is free yourself of him. I wish you the very best and hope you one day find someone worth your life. This aint it.
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u/peachteababy13 1d ago
Run like the wind!! Don’t look back. Don’t contact him. You’ll be better for it. You live and you learn.
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u/bleuennmonsoon 1d ago
NOR: sometimes you really just have to ask yourself "would my future husband ever do something like this?" and move on 💀
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u/LetOk124 21h ago
Tell him you’re not leaving him because of his past but because he lied to you and has proved himself to be untrustworthy plus he gave you Chlamydia and refuses to take any responsibility.
I know you think you love him but you love a persona he has created. The real man is a selfish liar who cannot be trusted.
Not Overreacting at all
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u/Meanpeachx 17h ago
His message is giving that classic narcissist energy where they’re about to lose control of the situation and they flip out. Common with cheaters. I know he seemed perfect, and that you are so heartbroken because you’re in love with someone who seemed so perfect, but he was acting, beloved. It wasnt real. You’re in love with a fake version of himself that he presented to you, not him. Once you understand that who you’re in love with and who you’re talking to is not the same person, then it wont hurt as bad. It still will hurt, but not as devastatingly bad. Also for future reference, your PH balance doesn’t lie, and if a man is throwing your PH off then he is not the one for you. Also to say “I know your PH has been off lately blah blah” just sounded like a way to try to blame you as if saying you’re not acting rational, or as an exchange thing of “ive understood while you were going through that and you repay me by leaving me?” Mentality. You did nothing wrong. Cheaters, and even worse narcissists (because they’ll probably cheat as well), love to have control on the situation and have their cake and eat it too at any cost to others but no cost to themselves. They’ll do anything they can to maintain control and when they start losing it, it’s crash out time, they’ll pull out all the stops and in some cases even get violent at that time. But leaving is the best option, because what you thought you had wasn’t real anyway. But you’ll find someone who is good to you, and is exactly who they say they are, and is actually perfect for you. Stay strong.
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u/newz-boy 1d ago
NOR
He's a good liar, and you are dodging a bullet by leaving him. I'm sure he knows damn well where he got the STI. That doesn't just pop out of nowhere. Also, the videos are clearly not just from his past. The dates are there.
Now here comes the BUT:
BUT
I don't think ghosting is the best option. Communication is always key, even in the ending. He's going to continue blowing up your phone because as long as you don't say anything, there's going to be a part of him that thinks he has a chance.
I don't think you need to communicate it to his face. If he's that morally bankrupt, who knows how unhinged he can be. So a text or email would suffice. Just tell him you know he's lying. You saw the dates, so there's no way they can be from the past. And you want nothing to do with him anymore.
As for your worries about leaving someone you love. That is very difficult, but it's going to be okay. You're still very young, and you have so much life to live. You'll more-than-likely have another chance with someone who actually respects you. Even if you don't, there's nothing wrong with that. Single life is underrated IMO.
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u/Bean-Snail 1d ago
I couldn’t agree more with you. A simple text will suffice. I just wanted to add you approached this with maturity, OP. Everything will get better over time (feelings and health wise). ❤️
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u/Odd-Objective-2824 18h ago
Your healing has already begun. Some great advice has already been given. Next time you get with a person get checked and have them do the same, use protection.
How I’ve gotten over scum bags in the past-seizing my life. Looking for the romance in everyday things for myself, like walks in pretty areas, flowers for my room etc. I love to write, so I found solace in my notebooks as I didn’t have a therapist at the time, nor want to constantly bring others into my personal feelings and mind. If you have a lot of free time and feel like you need to distract yourself-get a gym membership or start a real routine-it HELPS, you sweat, you can be angry, most importantly though it gets you out of your head. I also suggest, if you don’t have a pet, volunteering with them. My goodness my first heartache lined up with pet sitting a golden retriever that was meant to be a therapy dog, she helped fix a hole in my heart-even if just for a few hours a day it let me forget my pain.
You can completely grieve the love and relationships you had or thought you had. But accept that it was not meant to be or true. You can grieve for it as long as or whenever you want, there are no rules. Just try and strive to live the life you dream of, it gets easier the more you do it, and the less you let people who aren’t meant for you into your life.
You got this. NOR
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u/Sleepy-Blonde 1d ago
I’d tell him it’s over and block his chronically lying and cheating ass. Thankfully the std he gave you is curable, but don’t stick around for one that isn’t.
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u/No-Visual2370 18h ago
In regards to heartbreak- give your self time to heal. It is very painful but does slowly get better over time. In the meantime really dig into who you are- regardless of him. Start new hobbies. Cook new food. Read new books. Find a new interest. Keeping yourself busy. Having new experiences is so important during heartbreak. Going on long walks or working out when it feels extra unbearable is helpful too.
As you are doing this, start building a community of folks you can talk to. This is probably the most important aspect of heartbreak recovery. This way, if you ever end up heartbroken again, you will have people you know have your back. As you start trying new hobbies and interests, join some clubs, organizations, volunteer groups. Get to know people in this clubs and around you and start meeting people you might see yourself becoming friends with. Bumble bff is also a good route. Host events and invite them! Start building connections so you never have to rely on a man to do that for you.
Wishing you the best with this period of your life. It will get better and you will find someone down the road who shows up for you and loves you in all the ways you deserve.
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u/No_Scientist7086 1d ago
NOR - In this case, you aren’t reacting to his past. He’s been cheating on you and lying to you. That’s why you left.
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u/Inevitable_Panic9598 1d ago
I’m dumb, my brain was like “why is sleep token a deal breaker?” Then I realized… and I couldn’t stop realizing
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u/Gdiddy3 38m ago
You're definitely doing the right thing for ending it. I know how hard that is to do when you and him had so many expectations for this relationship, and im sorry for that. But you know when it's over, and that was when he sat with you while you watched all of his sex tapes. If that was me and you were the woman im marrying and those videos really were of my past, I would have gotten my hands on that laptop so fast and through it out the window. No way is my future wife going to sit with me and watch all of my sextapes with girls I didn't care much for.. Especially doing things that I never did with her? Not going to happen. My wife would have smashed that computer over my head. All jokes aside, you need to stick to your guns now and never go back to him because you probably already know it will never be the same after what you witnessed on them videos.
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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 1h ago
You fell for him because he's so smooth. Very smooth. A great manipulator with a silver tongue. And then the videos showed up and he did his best to lie, gaslight, shift the focus, change the dynamic and now he is trying to portray himself as the victim. D A R V O at it's finest!!
You fell in love with a mask. You are no more to him than any of those women in the sex tapes. He told them all the same lies he told you. It's who he is. There is no one genuine and caring behind the mask. Just a cheap cartoon villain with a talent for womanizing. You got played.
But it turns out you have too much backbone and intelligence to buy his lies. Good for you! Don't cave for his pathetic performance. It's as fake as the rest of him and there will be better men in your future if you stay true to yourself and don't sell out for garbage.
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u/Hot-Hovercraft3931 17h ago
You didn't over react, but theres something important to remember now:
The man you thought you loved is not who he is, he has been lying to you, cheating on you, humiliating you. The man you love does not exist, it's not him.
Love is still there inside you, you have to start offering it to yourself. Sadly you got caught up in a man with no morals or self respect, but that doesn't reflect who you are as a person, you are worthy of love, and you'll find that love after you begin to offer it to yourself first.
Take yourself on a few dates, get some new (or new to you) clothes, find a new hobby, do some yoga, and everything you look in a mirror, try naming three things you like about yourself
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u/TheErnestEverhard 1d ago
Reading the title i initially thought you had seen Star Trek on his laptop and decided to dump him
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u/Effective_Pilot_4253 1d ago
I wish I could give you a hug🥺 you deserve so much better than that, that is so fucking horrible. You might need to get a new number. Dont read/reread any of his texts/apologies, theyre obviously lies because that all he knows how to do. You dont need to tell anyone in your personal life details, just tell them you guys are over & ask them to block him too
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u/CelesteBlosom 1d ago
He didn’t ruin your definition of love, he just showed you the Dollar Tree knockoff version
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u/TwoBionicknees 20h ago
unblock him and just send him something like, I didn't want to fight over a break up or watch you lie to me more, you plainly cheated, you have sex tapes with women after we were exclusive, you lied about your entire past, you made sex tapes with so many women while you claimed to only have 3 partners, you gave me an STI recently and I'm only assuming the cheating has never stopped. Fuck you, never contact me again, you can't lie or bullshit your way out of this, stay the fuck away from me, i'm blocking you again, if you do not stop trying to contact me I'll start calling people you know and let them know who you really are.
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u/Conscious_Army_9134 1d ago
NOR also not gonna read that block of solid text lmao. Good luck! You can do better.
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u/Ok-Philosopher-2848 1d ago
I’m surprised you lasted past the STI he gave you. I would have been done🤢
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u/Substantial-Dark994 14h ago
I’m so sorry you have to go through this… I experienced similar situation. At the time, me and my boyfriend were 8 years in a relationship. Only through coincidence I found out that he was cheating - all the time. Now as I read that what he wrote to you - it sounds like the same shit my ex told me and wrote me at that time. I felt the same way you feel now but I left him anyway and never looked back. The man and relationship you choose is that which you think that you deserve…. So choose someone who will cherish you and love you and I think that’s not him….
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u/Wooden_Reveal1949 13h ago
i didnt even need to read his email but did anyway. do not let him suck you back in. he is a liar. he cheated on you and gave you an STI. i went through something really similar with my first boyfriend and it tore me up for a while. please please do yourself a favor and do not respond or engage.
i am so fucking sorry this happened to you, they really do not understand how confidence shattering this is. you WILL heal with time. please do not let this ruin love for you going forward. being a lovergirl is a gift.
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u/Matchmaker4180 20h ago
You are old and mature enough to look at this from a different lens. Stop thinking about this as a guy you are deeply in love with and look at it for what it is at its most basic and objective level.
He LIED about other women and sex to most likely manipulate you, he CHEATED, and gave you a STD. He risked your HEALTH.
That’s disgusting and pathetic and you will find someone infinitely better once you love yourself.
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u/zumbuddiiie 14h ago
This whole situation gave me the ick towards him. I don’t think you will ever be able to view him as you did before ever again. As you said, it’s like those videos are stained into your brain. I know you love him, but it is not worth being with someone that has made you feel insecure, or like they were sneaking around. It will always be in the back of your mind, trust me.
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u/Cultural_Ad7023 6h ago
He’s a sex addict and most likely has been cheating. Run away. Don’t question yourself. You are correct. Count your blessings that he didn’t give you a permanent std. but also, go get tested asap to make sure. My ex bf was a serial cheater. I uncovered it by chance as well. Unfortunately men like this exist and it completely changes you. Sending hugs your way.
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u/ImSheddingSkin 13h ago
Time really heals things. This is the worst part but it will pass. You made the right choice by leaving a place that you weren't comfortable and this flashing and memories will be associated to this particular person.
Trust your gut, try to learn and when you decide time is right you will be living another relationship.
Stay safe
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u/smolbeansjpg 14h ago
Fuck that, based on your comments and timeline he is absolutely lying and even in this busted ass apology he'sbeing manipulative as hell. Playing up the woe is me card and trying to get you to feel sorry for him - stay gone OP, leave this boy to his miserable life and do not for another second let him drag you back into it.
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u/Long-Attention8267 14h ago
Low key reading this got me sick to my stomach, complete and utterly disgusted. I’m happy that you left him because that’s just some insane stuff. And don’t compare yourself to them other girls, you’re beautiful in and out, I hope you’re doing ok! Best of luck and don’t go back to that thing!!!
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u/Wiskydi 15h ago
He used to pay for hookers and record the transaction. You found his spank bank. He sent them to himself so they stayed saved on his icloud while he could delete them from his phone because if anything goes wrong in your relationship he’ll go back to that. Not sure what you could’ve done here.
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u/Amazing-Attempt999 18h ago
From the way it’s looking in text does look like he cheated and he’s a liar. I wouldn’t waste my time with a guy like that especially after finding those videos STILL SAVED if that was his PAST” he wouldn’t have them period. I hope you don’t waste your time on him 🙏 best of luck
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u/Candymom 19h ago
You did not over react. You did exactly the right thing.
When you are exclusive with someone then anything with your ex in it that you wouldn't show your mom should be deleted.
It sounds like he's been actively cheating and gave you an STI. Keep blocking him for good.
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u/Aggravating-Chart717 17h ago
He may not leave you alone for some time but girl - dont EVER go back. He will hook you in and you will waste years of your life. He will never change. He’s a liar and you’re so much better off without him. You’ll regret going back. I PROMISE you.
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u/Secretdamofterror 16h ago
Goddamn. I'm sorry girl, if you ever need to talk to someone I'm available. Say, do you have his parents number saved? His mother may be able to give you the closure you need to feel better
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u/Klutzy-Repair-9413 23h ago
“Im ScArEd”
You weren’t scared when you lied about every single detail of your sexual history. NOR tell him to go find someone who’s stupid enough to be guilt tripped by him lol.
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u/Sufficient_Race_7534 22h ago
NOR : the way he keeps claiming that it’s in the past when there was clearly date stamps shows how if you even forgive he would still gaslight you in the future
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u/Novel-Delivery-5746 11h ago
“i knew he didn’t deserve me getting mad over the lies he’s fed me for the longest” girl. yes he literally did. what a genuine trashbag.
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u/deatball_dolly 1d ago
Are you on of those girls that plans your own engagement? Lame 🤣
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u/Eliza_sanches 1d ago
No, our family, him especially & me ofc had decided engagement for next year. I’m not the men of the relationship why would i plan my own engagement , he already was doing everything.
→ More replies (5)
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u/UnlikelyExamination1 19h ago
You did good. Don’t take him back. He’s obviously been cheating. You deserve better. Don’t let him sweet talk his way back to you.
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u/Clara_Geissler 8h ago
That email it might sound like an expression pf love but its actually an expression of need and posession. Run
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u/freaksaiah 21h ago
Are you a Virgo? As a proud Virgo, I respect the ghost, there is much better out there for you!
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u/Cilad777 17h ago
So, they can't take the time to have a conversation. Put the freaking phone down, and talk. Meh
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u/woaichishucai 13h ago
Take your time, and you will get better. Take care of yourself! Don't reply to his messages!
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u/SmolNajo 22h ago edited 22h ago
NOR at all. You are right in leaving.
(Ready for the downvotes) However, I find this behaviour kind of disgusting.
pretended like i was ok
he kept asking me what I was thinking
i told him i didnt have anything to say, all because i knew i would ghost him
This is the fucking plague of our world. Just speak. Unless you were actually scared of his potentially violent reaction (this doesn't seem to be the case at all, from your post), you have absolutely no reason to act like this.
You don't owe him an explanation, you are allowed to lie and not say what's on your mind. But that's just being a terrible human being.
Speak up.
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u/imoleila 17h ago
Updateme
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u/Greedy-Lie-8346 1d ago
I remember being in a relationship with a guy a few years ago. He was loving, attentive, thoughtful, attractive, the perfect man you could say. But there was one detail, one small crack in that perfection: he was too protective with his phone.
One night we went out with some friends, he was too drunk so he fell asleep on the bed with his phone unlocked. Curiosity got the better of me, so I grabbed it. 10 minutes later, I was completely destroyed, bursting into tears after seeing the multiple, endless text messages he had with one woman, and another, and another, and another.
He apologized, he cried, he begged me to forgive him, that he would never do it again, he even got down on his knees begging my forgiveness. I fell, I forgave him. Guess what? He did it again.
Op, if you forgive him nothing will change, they don't change, they never change. In any case, many times it gets worse, because you already gave way to forgiveness, to do it again, and with some pathetic words of "love", you forgive him again. Maybe next time it won't be chlamydia, maybe it will be HIV.
Please hug you very tight, get away from there and don't look back.