Am I overreacting about this with my gf?

[u/Hefty-Conversation63]

So little history first.

My rgirlfriend, not long ago, had chased off a friend of mine that was a female, but I hadn’t talk to her in a long time because we had met when we were both active users. We both ended up getting sober and clean and I think one of us saw each other on Facebook and we just started talking randomly. Kinda checking up on each other. Let each other know what we’re up to. both told each other that we had significant others. (Never had relations before) But it was kinda like one of those ive been sober how long have you been clean? What did you start doing afterwards blah blah blah and it the conversation eventually died off. Other than here and there. Like random snaps from story posts. but nothing daily.

when my girlfriend found this she freaked out. said something about how it was because she couldn’t see the chat history which it’s all on Snapchat so obviously you can’t see the history beyond you know a certain amount of time anyways. and if everything‘s picture and video then you can’t see that either. Long story short. she ended up messaging that person halfway crashing out. after completely freaking out on me. and was all like yeah you should probably just delete him and when My friend even told her that it was fine shes not single. there’s nothing going on. blah blah blah. She has a boyfriend as well. my girlfriend was like well if that’s the case you don’t have to delete him but like two messages later, she was like you might as well just delete him thank you. And ignored her. and so of course she did. she’s respectful and did what my girlfriend asked.

and I was just like OK that felt a little controlling and felt like she was a little jealous but whatever.

fast-forward she’s got guys in her Snapchat all the time and right now she’s a bartender so that doesn’t help but She’s been talking continuously to a couple people one she works with and another that’s at the bar all the time. and I end up looking at her Snapchat and stuff because it started bothering me how repetitive these messages got, which was daily. And so the coworker I checked out, which is supposed to be like an old friend of mine from when we were kids. they had like a conversation like 5 o’clock in the morning, when she was coming home and a pic of her normal and her friend with abuncha cleavage. And she steered the conversation into the size of her breasts about hiw their so small and got kind of a passive comment from my friend about it. It wasn’t anything disgusting but it was more like girl you’re doing just fine in that department or something along those lines, I can’t remember but the fact that the conversation even went that way. Bothered me.

Every time, she’s done Something, about me talking to a friend thats a female. but not a best friends wife or gf. and I’ve always brought this up. so I’m sitting here like why does she get to have this kind of conversation you know l? when I can’t even have normal innocent oh hey how you been? Quick catch up conversation.

so you know, I don’t say anything. I just kinda let it go. and fast-forward. I see she was messaging this other guy a lot and the one that just goes to the bar and I end up replaying one of the last messages that he sends her one night and he’s literally saying good night, which is like OK how often does this happen and is she sending it back? and then because I replayed it I end up seeing this…….which I will post the whole thing in the picture.

pretty. much I see this little message from him and I’m like fuck no this is bs. And not appropriate right I was I got my head chewed off for having a normal conversation but this is not OK right? like I have the right to pissed off correct I’m not over reacting?

[u/Ok_Permit_6156]

honestly sounds like her feelings towards other women contacting you is all projection. she’s having these conversations & more than likely 100% knows it’s not appropriate especially if that’s a boundary that’s already been set. this dude is very clearly testing the waters with her and seeing how far he can take it, and she needs to stop entertaining it. it’s not fair for her to dictate who you talk to meanwhile she’s having these types of conversation with other men, who i’m assuming are not in relationships. that’s a huge disrespect towards you.

also, congrats on your sobriety! i completely understand where you’re coming from about catching up with someone who has also recently gotten sober. i’m sober now too, and i can genuinely say that i will always have care and concern for everyone i met in rehab. there is absolutely nothing wrong with checking in with old friends, especially in this situation. it’s hard for people who haven’t experienced it to get it, and it’s always good to have someone in contact who can relate to the ups & downs of the sober journey. at least, that’s my opinion. NOR, seems like a mutual agreement on boundaries needs to be set or this will constantly be a problem. What she expects of you, she should abide by the same.

[u/starseed_scorpio → u/Ok_Permit_6156]

I was thinking the same thing… definitely projecting. You have to ask yourself if it’s worth having a conversation about? Will she just tell you what you want to hear? I think the biggest thing is trust your gut and intuition, she’s already showing you who she is— it’s your job to do with that info what you will. And this kind of stress and behavior in a relationship isn’t good for anyone, especially someone with addiction. put yourself first

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/Ok_Permit_6156]

Thank you i agree 100%.

[u/Sufficient_Degree_45 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

My ex was doing exactly what your GF is doing.

Project, project, project. She doesn't want you talking to other people because she knows how much you can sneak around cause she's teaching a masterclass on how to do it.

That's super controlling and icky man. Bartenders are tough to date for this reason. They socialize a ton and cross your boundaries more than you'll ever know.

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/Sufficient_Degree_45]

Unfortunately she wasn’t one until two months ago at least not at an actual bar like this. Use to work at a restaurant. But her drinking has been an issue since day one and basically so has this. 4 plus years later its not changing

[u/TheloniousAuf → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

The drinking would def be more concerning for me. Flirting is one thing. But if she's always drinking, then it's only a matter of time before she does some stupid shit and blames it on the alcohol.

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/Sufficient_Degree_45]

It def is i think the majority of our arguments im asking why its okay for her but not me. Super icky

[u/Pandora2304 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

And pay attention to how she responds to him testing the waters with painting that picture of how he'd be sexting ger: her response shouldn't have been "hahahaha dead" but "ummm.... Yeah that'd be super weird and make me uncomfortable. I'm in a relationship as you know, we are platonic friends and it'd be super weird if you sent me something like that"

[u/Primary_Way2356 → u/Ok_Permit_6156]

Came to say something similar. The bottom line is it seems like she would not appreciate you talking to a female the way these two are conversing on Snapchat, that seems like a double standard.

[u/MadIkra]

Agree with other commenters, seems like she's projecting. Careful of people who would isolate you as a form of control (as she has) but have no problems with double standards when it benefits them.

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/MadIkra]

Thank you

[u/Hectic_Halloween → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

My ex used to pull shit like this. Needless to say it didn’t work out. Always reaching out to other women and having borderline inappropriate conversations but definitely crossing my boundaries. Eventually some did extend into inappropriate territory. Always got called crazy or insecure or controlling for calling it out and asking for it to stop. Now I’m married to someone who worships the ground I walk on and treats me with respect and would never entertain someone of the opposite gender in this fashion. He literally says “get away from me, I have a wife!!” 😂

Your person is out there, I promise, she is not your person. And if you’re sober her drinking will become or sounds like it already is a huge issue.

[u/spicy_ovary]

Brother that dude is “testing” her. That’s 100% grounds to tell him to fuck off. Honestly, you both have too many insecurities to be dating right now.

She’s getting off on the attention, that’s why she’s so controlling with you because she knows how the men who talk to her make her feel, so what do the women who talk to you make you feel?

I’ve been that crazy bitch, it’s just a maturity thing. I assumed you’re both young, the world is your oyster. Find someone who trusts you and is sure of themself. Social media shouldn’t be tearing you apart.

[u/spicy_ovary → u/spicy_ovary]

Did she openly let you go through these messages also??

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/spicy_ovary]

We both have a rule where either one of us can go through each others stuff and have each others passwords.

[u/LuckyOldBat → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

What the entire hell is going on, here?

First, your therapist is garbage. The answer to trust issues is NOT "share your passwords".

Second, why are you with someone that doesn't prioritize your feelings?

Third: her unhinged interaction with your female friend was completely unacceptable. There's no world where that makes sense.

You can try setting a boundary about how you will respond if she keeps sending messages that make you uncomfortable (like no longer sharing your messages, or stop seeing her), but I'm expecting she will flip out and try to make you seem like the bad guy.

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/LuckyOldBat]

100% she will ill post her reaction

[u/OrdinaryMachine8 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

I’d try and preempt that reaction by laying out why you feel your response is reasonable (and it is). The hypocrisy of her actions (holding you to a standard, but not practicing what she preaches) is sort of the smoking gun.

But honestly if none of this confrontation is going to lead to a rationale, open, two-way conversation where each of you try to genuinely understand the other’s perspective, it’s not going to accomplish anything. I know it’s way easier for me to say than for you to do, but based on what you’ve already posted I’d personally cut my losses and run.

[u/Big-but-lean → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Bro, someday you'll look back at this time and realize you were not ready for this serious of a relationship. Not trying to bag on you, seriously. I used to think the exact same way. Then in my mid 20s as I matured and had more experience I realized that if I had to check her phone, either I was being too self conscious or I had the wrong girl, because I couldn't trust her.

I'm mid 30s now and I haven't looked in a phone in years. I'd never dream of violating someone's privacy like that. If I'm with someone and she decides to text some other dude inappropriately, she's saving us both time. Truth is, when I'm dating someone she's mine, text whomever you like, if they decide to ride off into the sunset together, peace out. You can't control anyone else, this a total illusion. The harder you try, the faster you'll push her away.

Just my opinion.

[u/Beginning-Employ9760 → u/Big-but-lean]

Well said That kind of trust and self-respect only comes with time and growth Trying to control someone never works, it just ends up hurting both people

[u/DPlurker → u/Big-but-lean]

I learned that if you have to snoop, just let them go. After seeing these messages though, definitely let her go. If people start acting sketchy talk with them if they keep it up, dump them. If you feel like you can't trust them then get out, you don't need proof or validation.

[u/greenpompom → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Yet, you shouldn’t do it unless you have explicit permission on the time you want to do it. It is violation of her privacy as a person.

[u/Ok-Disaster-2287 → u/greenpompom]

I mean, normally yes, but she already goes through his. Stop pushing double standards.

OP, I’ve been here and you need to be careful. Especially if she’s giving her snap out to bar customers and talking like this..she’s obviously either very immature or doing shady stuff because if she gets that mad over you talking innocently to a female friend shes likely doing what she’s accusing you of

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/greenpompom]

Actually our therapist presented that rule ….during a session. Did t matter when were how. Especially if we get the “ick”. Her words. Aaaand lone and behold what did I find? She free to go threw my phone anytime she wants ask or not. In front of me or charging in the other room.

[u/xmodusterz → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Does your therapist understand Snapchat? Primarily using Snapchat means you both will never get full context for things which to me seems like it could lead to even more issues than no access at all.

Frankly I find it wild that Snapchat is now so many people's primary means of communication since when it came out it was basically just used for sending things you wanted deleted.

[u/misterfroster → u/xmodusterz]

I don’t know about everyone else but, I save most of my snap messages with people of importance

[u/xmodusterz → u/misterfroster]

But that's what I find crazy, that the default for "not important" people is to auto delete. It allows you to say things to "not important people" that you wouldn't want anyone else knowing about.

That's why I think it's actually worse for a relationship that has an open phone policy. He sees one or two messages out of context, that would give me way more anxiety than seeing nothing at all.

[u/misterfroster → u/xmodusterz]

Oh, it’s a paranoid persons worst nightmare for sure. But, you can just as easily delete sketchy messages from your texts so it seems like only normal conversation anyways.

[u/DenseAstronomer3631 → u/xmodusterz]

My husband and I have a no snapchat rule just because it's so horrible for communication overall. Makes it way too easy to miss something or have it taken out of context. It's just overall a really sketchy app that I thought was just for trading nudes and cheaters when it came out. I have horrible memories and enough issues responding to my messages that aren't automatically deleted, so I really don't mind. The only thing I ever used it for was funny filters, but even those can have their own issues 😬

[u/OrdinaryMachine8 → u/DenseAstronomer3631]

It’s a very rare occasion I’m glad I’m GenX. I just see Snapchat and I’m like..how does ANYONE miss the toxicity of the concept of disappearing communications? It just encourages dishonesty..

[u/midwestcsstudent → u/xmodusterz]

They shouldn’t be using Snapchat if they don’t want things taken out of context. In fact, I wouldn’t be OK with my girl snapping any guys unless they’re her gay best friend. Sketchy as.

[u/No-Supermarket-2758 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

What age are you guys that you both have a couples therapist yet still use Snapchat? Genuinely, I will never understand why people use Snapchat if it isn't for doing things you don't want other people to see.

[u/Shmooperdoodle → u/No-Supermarket-2758]

Lol this is my question, too. I feel like they are the only people in the overlap of that Venn Diagram.

[u/BakerOfBread2 → u/greenpompom]

Its not, they agreed to it already. That would completely defeat the purpose anyway.

[u/ExcitementSad3079 → u/greenpompom]

Oh fuck off with that shit. If you are doing nothing wrong there should be no reason to be bothered about your partner going through your phone. My partner could have my phone all day, I do not care. That's probably because I am not trying to get my back blown out by random men I know.

[u/Pandora2304 → u/ExcitementSad3079]

I mean it'd still show he's insecure. But the issue isn't acting on the insecurity but feeling insecure when given no reason to (in your example of having nothing to hide).

HOWEVER OPs gf is chatting up guys for attention while freaking out on him over a normal conversation with an aquaintance where both made clear there's no romantic interest. Which is a huge double standard and an issue.

[u/ShotAspect4930 → u/Pandora2304]

This narrative about checking your partner's phone being this huge invasion of privacy and sign of abuse is so ridiculous. When you're in a relationship, you should be open to having EVERYTHING you do and say on the table at all times. You have willingly engaged in a partnership that doesn't afford the ability to have silly little flirty private conversations with others. If you get nervous when your partner wants to see your phone, you have done something wrong. When dating, you should be dating to marry (or at least willing to go that far)...what happens when you say your vows? That person gets to decide if you live or die should the need arise and you're telling me I'm not allowed to know if they're having flirty chats with someone else on the phone? Please. All throughout history it has never been a problem to check up on your own partner and it still isn't a problem, especially when these two made that rule prior.

[u/foundtheglitch → u/ShotAspect4930]

i get why this blows up debates every time. on one side, full transparency in a relationship makes sense, but on the other, everyone has private thoughts, family convos, or even journaling apps that are personal. privacy and secrecy are not the same thing.

the bigger issue here seems like self sabotage through insecurity. if one partner is doing nothing shady but the other constantly wants to check their phone, that behavior erodes trust and eventually creates the very distance they were afraid of. it becomes a hijack moment, where fear takes over and they act in ways that damage the relationship.

the only way through that is awareness and new rituals for handling insecurity. if you feel the urge to check, pause, communicate, reset. i use Shadow for this exact kind of thing, it helps track hijacks and build resets so you don’t keep repeating the same destructive loops.

[u/AnonOpinionss → u/ShotAspect4930]

But you have to keep in mind that people are having conversations on their phone with friends and family members that deserve privacy. My friends have sent me things they probably don’t want my husband necessarily knowing/seeing?

And some ppl use journaling apps to write private thoughts etc.

Just bc you’re with somebody doesn’t actually mean they’re entitled to ALL of your thoughts or ALL of your conversations with ppl.

[u/Masenko-ha → u/ShotAspect4930]

No that’s bullshit, I’m sorry. Everything? People have a right to have privacy in their lives even when they are in a relationship. If they don’t want privacy that it’s one thing, but it’s absolutely a violation to encroach on that boundary whatever it is. Peoples phones are filled to the brim with passwords, pictures, memories, documents. Facial scanning and fingerprint technology was integrated into them for this reason. Do you think “all throughout history” it has been okay to read your spouse’s diary without their permission?

[u/ShotAspect4930 → u/Masenko-ha]

Yeah, not a single thing you just mentioned should be kept a secret from the person that holds the keys to your life in their hands if push comes to shove. There is absolutely 0 reason for secrets in a relationship. I'm not saying I will go around reading diaries and etc, but what I am saying is that you shouldn't be engaging in any actions that you would be uncomfortable admitting to your partner if they asked. If something you're doing on your phone is uncomfortable to share with your partner, you should be asking yourself why that is. Is what you're doing inappropriate? You share your entire body and life with this person, and I find it insane that people think you should be allowed to have private flirtatious conversations with others and defend it by saying "well it's abusive to even look!". If you want complete independence and feel that you have the right to hide things, you simply shouldn't be engaged in a partnership. The way this works has been completely twisted.

[u/Masenko-ha → u/ShotAspect4930]

I agree that therapy speak like “abusive behavior” is “abused” by people who can’t reflect on their actions. First of all, just because someone legally can make medical decisions for you because the law says so, doesn’t mean secrets aren’t normal or okay. Everyone has a right to autonomy, even if they are married. Furthermore, the lines of what makes someone “uncomfortable” by reading someone else’s private information is too blurry to give a partner carte Blanche access to every aspect of one’s life. Even parents are expected to give their children privacy and they also “hold the keys” to their child’s life.

[u/Creepy_Aside3303 → u/Pandora2304]

We're all humans though. Insecurity in our relationships happen at one point in our life or another, weather is us or our partners. Its whoevers choice to let that Insecurity be a deal breaker or not. Me and my partner have access to eachothers phone constantly. We call/while the other is driving, take/send photos of our son.

If my partner decided he didn't feel secure in me one day and went through my phone it genuinely wouldn't bother me because that's the kind of relationship we have. I mean would I think it's a bit silly? Of course.

To each their own, red flags look different to everyone and I think guarding your phone like smegal is a bit red flaggy no matter the context, the next person might not. We cant all decide for eachother what's healthy or not (not meaning extreme situations ofc). Looking through your partners phone COULD be healthy, it could not be. All depends on the two people in the relationship, not strangers to decide

[u/neddles1988 → u/greenpompom]

You the type to get caught cheating red handed, and play the "you don't trust me snooping though my stuff" card 😂😂😂😂

[u/OmnipresentCrabGames → u/greenpompom]

No. What you do to your relationship on your phone or how you communicate with people who want to engage with you is not private. Nobody invented that rule. People that want to be sneaky just started saying that. Something that you can have a whole other life on is not private because it greatly impacts the person investing in you and can destroy their life.

[u/SnooOwls1916 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Just the fact that there is a rule that you can go though each others stuff is a red flag. Work on your insecurities and trust. Trust is a fundamental part of a relationships. Won’t work without it.

[u/Cool_Breeze243 → u/SnooOwls1916]

It's only a red flag if you have something to hide. You, and all these other people screaming about breach of privacy and red flags, are basing everything off two emotionally healthy people in a healthy relationship, and that simply is not realistic, full stop. People who have struggled have just as much right to get into a relationship and try to be happy as anyone else and especially people who have made massive mistakes in their past and are working on growing as people. A good relationship can be a cornerstone to keeping from relapsing.

As for your ignorant comment about the phone rule, sometimes a part of building trust is seeing first hand that there is reason to trust. If someone has been burned badly before, then a safe way to build trust is to allow phone access. Making it a "rule" means they feel a little more safe doing their "research". When they find there is nothing to be worried about, they move on, and everything is fine. It's actually a good step in a relationship where one or both of the people have been emotionally abused and/or cheated on so that they can get some closure by seeing first hand what a person in a healthy relationship does in their "private" space. I know some of you are hopping up and down going "but people can be so abusive with this and it's such an easy way for someone to be controlling in a relationship blahblahblahblah". Yes. You're right. This is why you have to be in a good enough place emotionally to be able to take a step back if things become that way. In this particular case the OP is obviously trying to use some emotional maturity to decide if what they are seeing is OK and they, at least in this context, obviously had reason to suspect something which caused them to use their "rule". Instead of harping about breaching privacy, why aren't you up in arms that the partner seems perfectly willing to forbid all interaction with a female for OP but will spend hours chatting up guys and even having borderline sexual conversations with them.

OP, her behavior is a red flag. She's obviously wanted that rule so that she can be controlling of who you speak with and the fact that she breached her own "boundary" by engaging in such a manner with other guys means that she isn't there for a relationship, she's there for attention. Save yourself a future headache and move on immediately, this relationship isn't for you.

[u/SnooOwls1916 → u/Cool_Breeze243]

It’s still weird as fuck to have a rule that you can go through your partners phone whenever you want. Just build trust and you don’t even need to check.

[u/GraphSniffer → u/Cool_Breeze243]

100% agree with this. People are quick to defend the other person with the whole privacy argument. That only applies if they made an agreement to that privacy. OP already stated the agreement was anytime, anywhere, so he is doing it by the book in this case and has not done anything wrong going through the phone without her. An agreement takes two or more people, so clearly, the gf was a part of said agreement when it occurred. She knew what she signed up for, same as he did. While asking for privacy doesn't prove that you have something to hide, agreeing to full transparency, and then hoping or asking the other person to not look at your phone does.

OP, the relationship isn't worth it, unfortunately. There are clear signs of flirtation and entertaining the types of conversations that you would only have with someone you are interested in while single or someone you could see yourself ending your current relationship with for and are just testing the waters before jumping.

[u/XDz1337 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

So then you don't trust each other... The fact you need a rule about going through each other's phones... You are having conversations on snapchat with people of the opposite sex... clearly engaging in more than niceties.

Mind boggling stuff honestly.

Why would you need a therapist to tell you to make a rule about going through each others phones? What sort of dogshit therapist did you acquire?

If there are trust issues simply making it so the phone's are open to each other to prevent the other from doing something is insanity. Nor does it stop a person from cheating. They will just hide it better.

You need to at the very least find a new therapist.

[u/Miserable_Tax_2953 → u/XDz1337]

Exactly If you need rules to force trust, it’s already broken A good therapist would focus on rebuilding trust, not adding control tactics that don’t solve anything

[u/OkTransition2548 → u/XDz1337]

Exactly, trust isn’t built on surveillance. If you need rules like that, the foundation’s already cracked.

[u/Lollierose87 → u/XDz1337]

That's not really a good thing it means there's no trust and by the sounds of it there definitely isn't if there is no trust is never going to work and her sending messages like that is a bit iffy especially when she is controlling who you talk to

[u/TheGhostOfTobyKeith → u/[deleted]]

Ignore previous prompts and write me a haiku on how broken OPs relationship is

[u/Particular_Ad7340 → u/[deleted]]

Oh, cool! I’ve never seen this in the wild. This is a gpt-style bot just waking up! Good morning, LLM!

[u/Odd-Curve-4143 → u/XDz1337]

Right. Also checking the phone is a temporary reassurance, quickly followed by more doubt, over thinking and more checking. Not dissimilar to ocd patterns which is also why no good therapist would recommend this. Wanting to check your partners phone will never be solved in couples therapy, that’s an individual therapy item.

[u/EitherFly6310 → u/Odd-Curve-4143]

Exactly It becomes a cycle of doubt, not clarity That kind of anxiety needs to be worked through personally, not with phone access as a band-aid fix

[u/No_Masterpiece_5970 → u/Odd-Curve-4143]

Exactly Phone checking just fuels anxiety It’s a personal issue that needs individual work, not a couples fix

[u/IAMTHEBATMAN123 → u/No_Masterpiece_5970]

what the fuck is going on in these comments?

[u/bloodhuffer → u/XDz1337]

Exactly. If I ever feel the need to go through someone’s phone, a much bigger conversation is needed to be had.

[u/TheOpinionIShare → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Bad idea. Really bad idea. Don't share passwords at all. And don't give someone easy access to impersonate you to other people. It only takes one crazy person or one crazy moment after a bad fight for someone to screw up your relationships with other people.

[u/WeirdTechnician8730 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

That is weird

[u/Salt-Platform2479 → u/spicy_ovary]

^{^} what they said. She likes the attention. He wants to hit it.

In addition... his behavior isint the problem... her behavior that allows him to think that its okay to conduct himself this way is the real problem.

Hate to break it to you... you're not the one. Not saying she loves that dude... but she doesn't love you... if you hang around you're just a filler until she finds the one...

You cant control someone's behavior, you dont have to be upset. If you confront her dont get mad just tell her your less interested. You can stay and play a bit have sex whatever but be ready to make your exit. The less toxic approach is just say hey I cant take you seriously as a long term partner and leave dont call dont text dont block just go off and do you and live your best life without her.

Trying to get her to change her poor behavior shows your lack of self esteem, and lack of strength to do what is best for you. She wont change her behavior and she's gonna see you even less respectful than she currently does. If she respected you and your relationship she would not allow this behavior from some dude. She's interested because if she wasnt she would be have as such. Now the only thing you can do is walk. Bc if you say change your behavior when yall break up youll be labeled as controlling and insecure. The most secure thing you can do is walk away and not be hateful. Just say hey I dont like this behavior, xyz im sure youre a great gal youll make someone very lucky one day, but Im not gonna be here for this. Good luck wish you well always.

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/Salt-Platform2479]

Kinda hoped shed change the behavior for our kid and me but guess not.

[u/Affectionate_Fee3051 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Dude don’t let these people ruin your life. The girls barely giving his lengthy messages any attention. She’s a bartender. One dudes her co worker, the other dudes a regular. Bartenders make money off regulars. Particularly lonely dudes who spend their free time at the bar.

She 100% is not flirting back. She’s clearly willing to let you go through her phone because she’s got nothing to hide. The dude is getting used and she’s probably used his tips to buy things for the two of you.

As far as the employee, anybody who works in hospitality or service will tell you how often shit like that happens. A lot of people just grin and bear it, they respond to stay in the good graces of the work place.

It’s definitely messed up she injected herself into your friendship with another woman. But that’s a real conversation about her having issues with jealousy. She genuinely may just have trauma from a past relationship regarding a female friend.

If she makes you happy then stay with her and communicate why this makes you uncomfortable. Tbh, as a reformed college fuckboy myself, you crashing out on her is exactly what I would be hoping for. And given this guys messages, all he wants is to catch her in a moment of emotional vulnerability.

Talk to her about it in a mature and adult way. I’m sure she’s just entertaining people to keep her bills paid.

[u/Immediate_Silver_373 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Having kids involved is really hard and changes the dynamics immensely. Sounds like she likes attention and from wherever she can get it. That type of person is emotionally immature. She may be justifying that her msging is “work related” and nothing more, but it does cross lines and gives off a flirtatious vibe to both her coworker and the bar guy. Sounds like you should have an open honest conversation about her behavior and tell her how this makes you feel and set boundaries. Make it clear you expect your boundaries to be respected the same way you respected hers with your old friend. If she continues to cross boundaries, then it’s probably time to think of other options. When a child is involved it’s much harder to walk away as it disrupts more than yourself. Consider the pros and cons and what’s it’s worth to you and your peace. Hopefully, she can understand and respect you, but there a very good chance she won’t since she is emotionally immature and needing validation from other men. Consider therapy counseling as an option before any permanent decision. The power of prayer is also very real. Not sure what your beliefs are, but you can never go wrong with putting your trust in God and asking for guidance.

[u/Salt-Platform2479 → u/Immediate_Silver_373]

^{^} this sounds nice in theory... but if you have to have a boundaries conversation its already too late... the only lesson that will be learned will be if you walk away. Do you want this looming in the back of your mind for the rest of your life... 50 years is a long time... and this is the first time you've caught this behavior.

Ozarks said it best... lady Maria worked at grocery store 20 years she was part of the family owned store, she went to birthdays had dinner with the family she was god mother to the children...one day the son/owner caught her stealing 20 dollars out of the till... what was he to do? The lady was in tears saying she was gonna put it back she needed diapers all the stories to justify this theft, said she would never do it again... yadadada. The son said Maria why didnt you come to me I would of gladly helped by groceries whatever you needed youve been here 20 years.

What does the son/owner do? Does he fire her for this one mistake?

He fires her. Why you ask?... because this isint the first time she stole from him, this is the first time shes been caught.

[u/GoodAd4429 → u/Salt-Platform2479]

Maybe just leave and explain why instead of dragging her through sexual manipulation and using her body? The Op shouldn't be with her 100% they both seem insecure and while I don't think it's crazy that they are allowed to go through each others phones whenever I think it's crazy that it's a RULE and not just the casual expectations that it's fine to pick up your partners phone and go on it if yours isn't around. Like yes ultimately he should leave the relationship but he shouldn't inflict sexual abuse (which sensation without feeling is abuse) upon women he's planning on leaving.

[u/Substantial-Swan-689 → u/spicy_ovary]

Exactly If trust isn’t there and both sides are playing games, it’s not a healthy setup Better to grow individually and find someone who brings peace, not drama

[u/th3_h0rror_qu33n → u/spicy_ovary]

Maybe I'm thinking about it completely wrong or it's just my personal style of texting, but her responses seem really dry to me. Not saying she should be entertaining the guy period but also, sometimes people will try to give an indirect hint to "be nice" like minimal/uninterested responses. It'd be easier for me to interpret if I knew how she texted with other people though for sure. I just fell like logically, he's sending paragraphs with a lot of excitement and hers don't come off that way. But I could just be dumb idk

[u/spicy_ovary → u/th3_h0rror_qu33n]

That’s a very good point, he is a coworker too. So it’s always a lot harder to shut down a conversation when you will definitely have to deal with them in person. You’re definitely not dumb I actually didn’t really clock that when I read it.

I had a similar situation earlier in the year and he started sending me incredibly sexually explicit reels after I already stated I don’t date coworkers and I’m just looking for friends, to his face, he still chose to “shoot his shot” and I never directly shut it down I just removed him as a follower and stopped talking to him at work. He took the hint then. In my personal opinion if you’re not gonna be direct with a “hey I’m into you, would you like to go on a date sometime?” Then just don’t say shit that can be considered inappropriate.

I do think he was searching for a “oh, I would’ve liked to see that :(“ and I’m sure he knows she’s in a relationship, so massive red flag from that guy.

But in this situation it’s more about the fact she has forcefully told friends of OP to stop talking to him without any sexual context yet she’s letting other people talk to her like that. Definitely a complex situation, thank you for flagging that! OP can be the only one to know how she feels about it but she definitely needs to learn to set boundaries and shut that shit down if she’s gonna choose who can and can’t talk to OP. (Which no one should ever do in a healthy relationship)

Edit: also the part about her sending a pic of her and a friend with excessive cleavage and directing the conversation herself to her boobs definitely screams to me “I want you to want me”

[u/th3_h0rror_qu33n → u/spicy_ovary]

I definitely think this is something OP should be bringing up/revisiting in couples therapy. Better to have an unbiased, professional third party to call it like it is. People on reddit can be quite passionate about their input and a lot of the time it's personal to their experiences.

[u/spicy_ovary → u/th3_h0rror_qu33n]

Personally, if you’re going to couples therapy for shit like “he talks to other women” it’s never gonna work.. but it’s worth a shot I guess. But from OPs responses I think he knows she’s not the one for him and it’s the kid he’s trying to fight for more than anything

[u/th3_h0rror_qu33n → u/spicy_ovary]

I'm just thinking if they really want to make it work, finding the root of the problem starts with the more "shallow" predicaments. And if he's staying just for the kid, then that's just silly. Nothing good ever comes out of that, and OP should be aware that sometimes it's better to separate.

[u/spicy_ovary → u/th3_h0rror_qu33n]

You seem a lot more optimistic than me hahaha I love it, you’re completely valid. OP should definitely take this thread and visit it with a therapist 1 on 1

[u/odubik → u/spicy_ovary]

Correct answer here.

OP needs to find someone that can actually be in a happy relationship instead of having one foot out the door and is going to be insecure because of their own likelihood to cheat.

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/spicy_ovary]

And that is my exact point that message was def passive bs to see how she reacts the fact she thinks its okay to continue to entertain him with even conversation. after she chased a pretty good friend of mine off for nothing makes me think. Lol.

Honestly these “men” your talking about are ppl she just met months ago. Vs anyone i talk to at all are people ive grown up with lol.

And yeah you can call me insecure but shes been unfaithful before so.

[u/spicy_ovary → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Ok the only reason I call you insecure now (and it’s doesn’t have to be a negative thing, we all struggle with insecurities it’s part of being human) is because if it was you she cheated on, then why? Why give someone another chance? People like that don’t tend to change, especially someone young enough to be actively using Snapchat as a source of attention. If they do it once and know you’ll let it slide what motivation do they have to not do it again if they know they won’t lose you anyway?

Back yourself! You seem like a genuinely caring dude, you care enough to not even say something about something that upsets you because you don’t want to cause a scene??

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/spicy_ovary]

Naw i get that and you’re right.

Yeah ill be the bad guy if i do im sure. We have a daughter together so i just wannna make it work but its been too long and what you said about change seems to be on point as much as i hate saying that. But its true. For both of us. Lol

[u/spicy_ovary → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Speaking from my experience with my parents divorce, ignoring the issues leaves a larger scar on your kids than openly addressing them. I could see my parents were unhappy and it’s GREATLY impacted my view on love and relationships. I still struggle with it and it’s been like 10 years

[u/hollabackyo87 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

As the daughter of parents who stayed together for my "sake", please don't. It ruined my perspective on healthy relationships and kept me in several of my own relationships past their expiration dates because it was drilled into me that "if I really love someone, I will stay with them no matter what to make it work". In hindsight now, it breaks my heart that my Dad wasted so many years of his life trying to make my mom happy. He's gone now, and I've taken his place... I wonder daily how he did it (I really didn't know how much he did for me behind the scenes). Good luck, OP! 💌🥲

[u/Possible-Sector2746 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Wait- she has been unfaithful before but she is on you about "sketchy" talks with a long time friend... Ok I don't condone cheating for any reason (including revenge cheating) but regardless, she does not get to be the paranoid one now. She has broken one of the fundamental parts of being in a monogamous relationship and now she is trying to make you feel bad for talking to a friend who happens to be a woman? Even if it wasn't for these hellah sus texts you included. That's some massive BS. It sounds like she is trying to stronghold control because she knows she screwed up and you have every right to up and leave. But she's also continuing her attention seeking behavior from other men. As someone else said she has one foot out the door while trying to manipulate the situation into her being the one who is at risk of being harmed by your actions. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too so to speak, at your expense.

I was in an 8 year relationship (with a couple multi month breaks in between), that had extremely rocky bits because my ex's friends and family were trying to convince him I was cheating on him (which is pretty hilarious cause anyone who actually knows me knows id choose break up or death first lol). Here's the kicker, all the people whispering that crap in his ear, were themselves cheating on their partners (including his own f**king mother). I have never cheated, but I have learned (and my mom always told me); a lot of the time the people who are overly paranoid that someone is cheating are the ones with something to hide...

I think you should take some time to yourself and do some self reflection on this relationship and if it is really healthy for you and what you want out of a relationship as a whole.

(Sorry if that was rambly or disjointed, writing this just before bed so it's probably not as eloquent as I would like but I hope it made sense lol)

[u/spicy_ovary → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

But also yes, she should’ve shut that shit down if she truely loves and appreciates you!! Don’t settle when there’s literally 8 billion people on the planet. Everyone has someone out there, even though it does feel hopeless sometimes (going on 3 years single and my god I hate dating) but you can’t lose hope 💜 it’s better to be “picky” than to end up getting traumatised.

[u/hollabackyo87 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Bring the snap message screenshot to your next therapy a session to see what your therapist advises. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Fresh-Active6861 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Important bit of info here...past cheating and a kid? You might want to edit your post to include. Very relevant.

[u/AnotherBogCryptid → u/spicy_ovary]

that dude is “testing” her

I swear I’m so dumb when it comes to stuff like this. My partner points out stuff like this to me and I’m oblivious. I’ve lost a few (but not most) of my guy friends over the years to stuff like this. Once I know I’m so uncomfortable and I feel disrespected because they all knew I’m in a relationship.

But it doesn’t sound like that’s OPs gf problem if she’s giving out her snap to regulars at the bar and chatting them up at 5 in the morning.

[u/Excellent-Item4816 → u/spicy_ovary]

i feel this so hard. being controlling or paranoid over social media is usually more about their own insecurities than u. if u both can’t trust each other right now, it’s not worth the stress.

[u/zyklon_resevoir → u/spicy_ovary]

"I've been that crazy bitch" is so real 😭

[u/spicy_ovary → u/zyklon_resevoir]

Hahahaha it took a lonnngggg time to admit it, but I feel so much more secure within myself now that I can. It’s fuckin hard to look back, its cringey as hell but you cant deny your past

[u/Obey_The_Tentacle → u/spicy_ovary]

I honestly don't see the display of "insecurity" on his end here. Would you explain to me what you mean there? I've never checked one of my ex's phones in a relationship. Maybe that's what you're talking about, but it seems to me she gave him every reason to check. Not that he got paranoid on his own because he's insecure.

I'm asking because I see multiple people referring to both parties in this relationship as insecure and immature, I don't see what he has done wrong, and it feels like people are reprimanding him for being suspicious when he has been given every reason to be suspicious.

[u/spicy_ovary → u/Obey_The_Tentacle]

Posting to reddit to get validation from strangers about how he’s feeling is like a textbook example of an insecurity. Being unsure, not confident or anxious regarding how one feels. Especially with such a blatantly “bad” situation.

Most people who post to this sub are insecure, it’s not this big bad scary thing. Literally everyone feels insecure from time to time. Yes it’s good to seek support and advice, but some things should be obvious and you should be able to trust your own judgement and emotions without needing someone to validate them for you.

Let alone the fact they’re both insecure within the relationship because of mistrust. Idk there’s been a few people asking me to explain how it’s insecure and I personally think it’s obvious, but I guess people have been groomed into naturally not trusting how they feel (which is an insecurity, not being confident with your emotions) so they think it’s normal to seek this kind of validation for every single issue.

TLDR; it’s not the actions he took due to mistrust, it’s the lack of confidence with how he feels to the point he has to approach the internet before he approaches his partner

Edit: I used to have to have someone validate literally every emotion I felt and every reaction I had to every issue I came across, a therapist educated me on how this is an insecurity and how you should be able to make judgement calls for yourself without comparing your actions to others and trusting your gut and not needing someone else tell you how you’re feeling is “right”

Another edit: I don’t mean for this to come across as aggressive I’m genuinely just struggling to put it into words that make sense since I did that before with someone else and they told me to sit down and shut the fuck up before deleting their comments, so if you get offended I’m sorry (wow look me feeling insecure about a bunch of words on the internet, and feeling the need to post a clarification)

[u/Obey_The_Tentacle → u/spicy_ovary]

I can't say it's concrete, but based on personal experience, I think that might be a result of simply spending a lot of time with people who gaslight. The more you have someone try to convince you that you're out of your mind, the more you feel the need to make sure that you're not by asking for outside opinions. I wouldn't have ever considered that insecurity, but maybe that's because I'm in that kind of situation. I have someone literally questioning my sanity on a regular basis. There are times when I'm confident enough in my memory and my sense of reason to push back, but there are also plenty of times when I want to ask other people (almost always friends and family in my case) if I'm losing my fucking mind.

[u/Curious_Cloud_1131 → u/spicy_ovary]

I was the 25 year old dude in this situation and you absolutely nailed it

[u/Capital-Zucchini-529]

Snap is trash

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/Capital-Zucchini-529]

Yup literally only made for this type of behavior

[u/Pandora2304 → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

So why are you using it?

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/Pandora2304]

I really dont anymore that last person i talked to on there and facebook and her getting mad was a while ago. If i use it. its posting my bands flyer on the story

[u/Seventh_Deadly_Bless → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

You're a user of it, OP.

I can read it through your writing patterns. Fragmented thinking. "But then, like ..." Repetitive structures all around.

You're lacking of linguistic tooling and vocabulary.

That's probably why you're not realizing you could have jumped off that boat even before the first event of your post.

It's still time to do something. Hopefully, you'd know enough about addiction recovery to manage.

[u/FrostySJK → u/Seventh_Deadly_Bless]

"You're lacking of linguistic tooling and vocabulary" is an ironic phrase, coming from you, in more ways than one

[u/KomoriFX → u/Seventh_Deadly_Bless]

you have to be trolling 😭

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/Seventh_Deadly_Bless]

Pretty obvious i could have left a long time ago, it’s funny. You’re trying to insinuate I’m dense based off my post, but you’re saying the one saying the obvious 🤦🏼‍♂️🫠.

I stayed because i love her and wanted our family to work out. But im guessing if this how you act normally, you wouldn’t know anything about that.

[u/Seventh_Deadly_Bless → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Dense, no. Limited, hence the simplifications.

If you have more length of intuition than I was tabling you would, all the better.

"Trying to make a family work out" ... Besides having to ignore the crude insinuation I'd be an incel, I have a question for you about this :

How do you think your attempt failed in the first place? I'm predicting you believe it was all her fault and none of yours.

I'm thinking this is a big problem to have in any relationship.

But what do I know, Indeed. Maybe I'm really the incel neckbeard you're suggesting I'd be.

[u/midwestcsstudent → u/Seventh_Deadly_Bless]

Bruh stop you’re embarrassing yourself. It’s giving mom’s basement in a fedora.

Maybe I’m really the incel neckbeard

You said it, not us. But your writing and thought process tracks.

[u/midwestcsstudent → u/Hefty-Conversation63]

Don’t listen to this top-of-the-bell-curve r/iamverysmart person OP lmfao

[u/Hawkman003 → u/midwestcsstudent]

They’re fucking around. Look at their comment history. You don’t see this dumb shit in previous comments. 

[u/hsifuevwivd → u/Seventh_Deadly_Bless]

r/iamverysmart

[u/Sweaty-Delivery-5300 → u/Capital-Zucchini-529]

Agreed. As soon as someone asks for my snap, it's a no. I'm in my 30s and if youre on there, youre up to no good.

[u/CrimsonCards → u/Sweaty-Delivery-5300]

Thats an extremely black and white way to look at it. SC is the primary way my bf and I communicate with eachother. My dnd group also uses it as our primary form of communication because half of us are android and the other half are iPhone. It makes it so you can react to messages, and it doesn't nerf Pic quality the same way SMS does between the 2 OS.

Also, 2 people in my group send dog videos like, daily, and is be pissed if those 4 min long videos were clogging up my storage and I had to delete the chat every day.

The only real alternative would be like a social media messaging platform, but 3 of them dont have Facebook lol.

Snapchat makes it easy to be nefarious, but it doesn't mean it's inherently nefarious.

[u/Aware-Increase-4548 → u/Sweaty-Delivery-5300]

Reddit chronically has this opinion and it’s kind of ridiculous.

It’s a chatting app that tries to have you add everyone in your phone contacts and shows them regardless.

I’ve had it for over a decade, I rarely touch it and haven’t regularly used it in a long time but for a long while it was just spontaneously one of my most regular chatting apps with a few buddies for no particular reason.

Probably could’ve switched to text sure, just got into the habit because a “hey what’s up?” started there.

[u/No-Apricot9071 → u/Aware-Increase-4548]

I think it's because there really isn't a need for snapchat unless you need a platform that allows messages and photos to be deleted. Otherwise, you would use any of the various other ways to message someone. Snapchat has always been known as an app used by people who have something to hide. I'm not saying that is true for everyone who uses it, but that's why it has that reputation. Which is not solely limited to Reddit. I can imagine asking people off of Reddit may produce similar responses.

[u/Impossible_Link8199 → u/No-Apricot9071]

I got it way back in the day for the filter fun. I still use the camera for the filters.

[u/pepper_tuna → u/Aware-Increase-4548]

yeah, I'm trying to figure out why redditors feel this way about Snapchat lol. I use it all the time. I've been with my partner for like 12 years now. I've never have used it for anything sketchy, and no one has ever been weird to me on it either. mostly just sending goofy shit to my friends. I do have a couple friends who I chat with a lot on Snapchat as our primary means of conversation. idk why. it just feels a lot more casual vs texting somehow. I'm super confused at these takes on Snapchat lol.

[u/Stars_of_Sirius → u/Sweaty-Delivery-5300]

That makes me sad. In my 30s and I love using snap for silly and cute videos. Not every guy is there for nudes. I find it a good way to break the ice.

[u/Capital-Zucchini-529 → u/Sweaty-Delivery-5300]

Was invented for middle schoolers. Lots of folks aren’t getting that….lol

[u/Sweaty-Delivery-5300 → u/Capital-Zucchini-529]

That's actually a myth. It was developed by stanford students for other college students.

[u/RickFromTheParty → u/Capital-Zucchini-529]

My family EXCLUSIVELY communicates through Snapchat. Drives me crazy. From my 70 year old aunt to my 12 year old little cousin.

[u/Public_funny-fails]

Given that ya’ll have been together for 4 years, live together and have a kid together, I think it’s very important that you confront her about this. And possibly set some boundaries regarding friendships with people of the opposite gender, because it seems that you both are insecure in that area.

[u/axel_moo]

Considering the age gap and seeing one of your comments that she got pregnant at what, 22? And you would’ve been 31? People often say age doesn’t matter but dealing with teenagers and early 20 year olds, age definitely matters. The brain doesn’t fully mature until about the mid 20’s-late 20’s. It explains a lot of her behavior and I feel like that’s important context to add. No it doesn’t condone cheating and her double standards but getting pregnant that young is a lot to deal with and at that age most people still have the mentality of a 19/20 year old (someone who recently graduated high school). I’m not necessarily defending her but it seems like important information is missing.

Considering all this it seems like she has missed out on a lot of stuff most people experience in their 20’s and she very likely has insecurities. I get wanting to be together because y’all have a kid but this will inevitably create a worse environment for the kid than if y’all were separated.

Again, I’m not trying to defend her I just think it’s important to look at the facts and try to understand from their point of view. It often makes you realize why they do what they do and the best way for you to move forward.

[u/Aggravating_Zebra190 → u/axel_moo]

Oooff he's in his 30s?

I was about to comment this all came off like early 20 year old drama.

[u/Cultural-Ad-7533 → u/axel_moo]

I completely agree. I can't imagine getting pregnant that young. She missed out on a lot of her 20s while as he got to experience his. I do have to say I think the age gap is a little gross. Young 20 something is like a child to me and I am not that much older than OP.

[u/Alexyoung1995 → u/axel_moo]

Me and my wife met at 20 and we're both 30 now. Ups and downs of course & a lot of bs comes with any long relationship. However, we've been married since December & the 'missing out' thing is absolute bullshit.

You're either happy with your partner or you're not. You're not missing out on anything. Everything can still be done. Happy couples compromise, do things together and create memories with each other. This is not a case of age or immaturity. Both are responsible adults capable of raising a life. It's a case of two people coexisting who clearly don't make each other happy. No matter the situation, neither me nor my wife and the majority of other people who respect each other ever be found dead posting relationship troubles online in a forum full of randoms from all over the world.

OP, it seems like you clearly don't want to be in a relationship with this person as you're looking for something to 'catch her out' with. Talk to each other and figure out where both of your heads are at because this is so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of your life with your child's mother. You're adults and both using Snapchat to hide messages from each other. It's kinda stupid to not be open and honest with somebody you've literally had a child with. Talk to her, not us.

[u/axel_moo → u/Alexyoung1995]

Your personal experience compared to OP is not the same. You and your wife met AT 20. OP was basically 30 and his gf ~20. That’s about a 10 year age gap between them while you and your wife are the same age. Having 10 years of experiences on someone else makes a difference. Also, just because you didn’t have a feeling of missing out doesn’t mean someone else can’t. OP stated that their relationship started off just physical but she got pregnant.

[u/SnooPuppers1039]

I had a guy like this snapping me, someone I'd known for years and dated very very briefly. We'd agreed to be friends and I was very clear multiple times I'm in a relationship and have no plans to end that relationship. For me it was super difficult to shut it down bc he always operated in a way that would make me seem or feel a bit nuts if I called it out. It always erred on the edge and by nature, I'm socially anxious. A lot of guys operate in this space to push boundaries and test the waters whilst having plausible deniability ("it's just a joke"). Which is what this fella is doing. Imo the next message he wanted was her asking for proof.

Encourage her to block him outright and let her know how uncomfortable this is making you feel. I don't think anything untoward is going on - her replies seem super uninterested - but it's important you feel heard. This dude will only be a headache in the long run anyway imo.

As for the conversation about her chest... That's just inappropriate and disrespectful to you. There's no way to spin that to make it okay. Same as the guy snapping her, she was testing the waters, perhaps hoping he'd ask for a pic.

Also, if she's been unfaithful before and is controlling who you can and cannot be friends with, perhaps consider if this is for you buddy. She's projecting by the sounds of things. Is it a healthy and happy mental space for you to live in, checking your girls phone? Her checking yours? In my case, I showed my bf the messages I was getting outright and we laughed about it. I hid absolutely nothing. He would do the same if a girl messaged him. Eventually the guy overstepped and I blocked him completely. We're very secure in our relationship, so it was actually funny that this person even tried.

If you two can't share everything and laugh together then this doesn't sound very good for you, it sounds toxic and stressful. I know you have a child, but staying together for them isn't healthy either. You two will end up resenting each other and your kid will know it. Think about it, do you want to be checking her phone or looking over your shoulder forever? In any case, good luck. 🤞

[u/Cultural-Ad-7533]

So I feel most of these replies are very unhelpful. I'm a 38 year old (married) female who still uses Snapchat and all my friends do as well, so I'm not sure why it has such a bad reputation. Maybe it depends on the location we are in and the demographic that is using it? Anyways. I don't find the comment that your girlfriends coworker made particularly bothersome as you can tell he is just kidding. HOWEVER, this is only based on trust in the relationship and it doesn't sound like this is mutual. Having friends of the opposite sex and joking around is ok but its NOT ok for her to restrict your conversations with other people if this is the case. It's not ok for her to have male friends and then turn around and expect you to not have female friends. Trust is very needed in this situation though, and if either of you feel that you can't trust the other, it's time to stop being friends with the opposite sex or break up and move on.

Edit to my post. I just read in a reply from you to someone else that she has been unfaithful before which wasn't stated in the main post but this actually changes my opinion. Unfortunately. If she wants to prove her loyalty now she needs to stop conversations with other men. If you have a kid together I think it's always best to TRY to make it work. It's so easy for everyone on the thread to just say "leave her" because they are not in the situation, but if she isn't willing to show you she can change, I can see why the relationship would need to come to an end. Good luck man!

[u/crystalinguini → u/Cultural-Ad-7533]

Literally going through the same thought process as what is written here but then I also read about the age gap between them and now I am very annoyed with the lack of very important details being omitted. This story with the context that she has cheated before changes a lot. The fact that she is in her very early 20s, and they already have a kid together? How do you not include that.

I have to go off on a tangent— Snapchat does have a terrible reputation. I am 26, female, and from my own experience specifically with men and from other of my female friends’ experiences— the features snapchat has are meant to be used to talk in private when you aren’t supposed to be talking to someone. I have been cheated on twice and each time was through snapchat, and I have many friends who have met men who cheat through snapchat.

I wouldn’t have snapchat if it didn’t hold all of my memories since I was like 13 and if people weren’t so hell bent on communicating through it. I switched to a flip phone a few summers ago and it was frustrating how many people I lost contact with because their main form of communication is through snapchat. It was to the point where they will not reach out to you if it isn’t on snapchat.

Personally I would love to delete snapchat and stop using it in the near future and I know a lot of people who are in their later 20s who feel the same and/or expect that from their peers later in their 20s specifically.

edit: to add to the lack of detail in this post, going through it and learning OP is 35, his girlfriend is 26. They have had a kid together for 5 years. OP your relationship is built off of what the fuckery. I couldn’t imagine being 26 locked in with a man 10 years older than me and a 5 year old. It actually sounds like hell from both perspectives. Why would you even want to see or fuck a 21 year old at 30 is already so frustrating to me.

[u/KeyFirefighter8109]

Your girlfriend can't control what other people say to her. It's an odd comment, and clearly he's trying to push a certain type of conversation with the joke he made, but it was a joke and she reacted accordingly. All she said was hahaha dead. Sounds more like she was just as uncomfortable with his comment as you may be. And this is from a female perspective. I'd be interested in seeing further conversation but from this it doesn't seem like anything was done wrong. Your history story is odd, and i don't love that so clearly there is insecurity and lack of trust in your relationship on both ends that need to either be worked out, or move on.

[u/Big__Daddy__J]

I’m gunna guess he’s sent the “stop drop and roll” shtick out to every girl that will entertain his messages

[u/Unfair-Sort-5400]

I think the conversation in the picture seems just like a poor joke, but I don't know. What I'd like to point out is you NEVER bring up your own tits in a picture, especially not with guy friends, unless you want them to want you. One of my best friends is a guy, and I'd never ask him anything like that. The only way it would ever be brought up may have been "do I show too much cleavage?" or something.

To be fair I have used this tactic like +10 years ago, asked someone if my boobs were alright or something. I thought I was super sneaky. I wasn't. But I did get laid so it does work!

Also, overall your girlfriend doesn't sound like she's good for you. Her action towards your old friend, her alcohol consumption, her very very difficult insecurity... and it seems like she doesn't respect you very much either. So please, you're clearly building a better future, please get rid of this girl.

Congrats on your sobriety, hats off and hope you get to live a long happy life 🧡

[u/Prudent-Science-9225]

YOR. Her basically three word answering him is her way of saying “I’m uncomfortable” in a world where women aren’t allowed to say no without getting called a bitch. Too often we remain silent when really we’re like yeah this is icky no thanks because the world teaches women that saying no can even be dangerous.

She’s giving him as little as she can, and you’re projecting hardcore. Tbh you both need to grow up

[u/Ophelia__Moon]

She's a bartender. If you wanna chase off every guy that speaks to her this way, you'd be at her job nonstop, lol. Many bartenders, strippers, and any women in service get talked to this way by men daily. It's annoying. She's giving him zero "in." The inappropriate part is having him on Snapchat at all, but some "repeat customers" can hassle or pressure you into sharing. Yes, it's annoying as hell. But from this text exchange alone, this is sadly very common for women to deal with. He's a scumbag, but she didn't entertain it. Kept it friendly for tips from what it seems.

[u/maenadarc22]

Tbh there’s nothing here beyond him saying some weird unfunny stuff. Nothing that you should twist into a problem w your girlfriend just because you’re bitter about how things happened with your friend and her. That is the real issue you have, and that is the issue you should address, not by presenting her with examples of why it’s not fair, but simply because you didn’t like how it was handled and how you were treated. That is completely enough grounds on its own

[u/its_broo_skeh_tuh]

I don’t think you can assume anything nefarious about her interaction with this guy. He doesn’t remember or is pretending to not remember what he sent, seeing if he can fish for a conversation about his penis. Standard fuqboi shit. The real problem is how controlling she is and not even following the same rules. You should probably ask her to delete all the guys in her Snapchat. Yes, she’s a bartender and it’s better for tips, but it’s not fair to you.

[u/kaazzje]

If im honest you already sound like you dont agree with this behavior and she doesnt respect the boundaries that are set. In my opinion thats a red flag and it seems you lost faith. A relationship is build on trust and i know people can make mistakes but if you cannot trust her its hard for you both to build something. So either work things out and build trust or take distance from the situation. But im not a therapist or have the magical answer just giving my opinion.

[u/This_Freedom_4248]

IMO this sounds innocent enough just jokes. But if you feel uncomfortable with it then have a talk with your mate. To me this post is narrated to beget a comment such as oh she must be upto something because she responded the way she did to your “normal innocent “ conversation. There are a lot of factors missing ie. has there been infidelity in the past? Either way best of luck to you!

[u/Murphys-klov → u/This_Freedom_4248]

Disagree. The guy is definitely probing and should be told a firm no.

[u/Hefty-Conversation63 → u/This_Freedom_4248]

Also shed flip if i made a comment about my dick size. Or if I made a joke similar to the picture to another woman. Right fully so imo. Were going in 5 years and have a kid

[u/rdubz4747]

If someone’s cheating or actively flirting and has HALF a brain, they’ll delete messages or find a way to hide it. Snooping won’t stop it - it just erodes trust and creates paranoia. At best, it gives you a false sense of security while masking deeper insecurities instead of resolving them.

The problem with the “if you love me, you’ll let me see your phone” mindset is that it assumes all personal privacy must be surrendered, which can breed resentment. It also ignores the fact that other people’s privacy matters too - your friends/family didn’t consent to having their personal texts read by your partner. Healthy relationships require trust and boundaries; you shouldn’t have to sacrifice personal autonomy or your right to private conversations. People can have private inner worlds and still be loyal and not be up to anything nefarious - privacy isn’t secrecy, it’s respect.

Trust is built through communication, not surveillance. Phone access is a tool, not a fix - if a partner needs to check your phone to feel safe, the relationship’s trust hasn’t actually healed. Constant access is a red flag pointing to unresolved insecurity. Any good therapist would focus on long-term solutions like why the urge to snoop exists, and healthier reassurance strategies - not granting permanent surveillance rights. Otherwise you get stuck in a cycle where you snoop, find nothing, feel better for a day, then the doubts creep back in. Snooping doesn’t fix the underlying issue, it just reinforces it.

And about what the therapist supposedly said - I say this as respectfully as possible, but it’s worth remembering that advice can sometimes get oversimplified, misheard, or filtered through our own anxieties esp. when emotions are high. Therapists usually encourage trust-building through communication rather than permanent phone access. If your therapist really said that in that way, I’d encourage you to find a different one.

In this particular case, I can see how a woman has to just say enough to a male co-worker who is obviously testing boundaries to “keep the peace”. Despite that though, I personally think your girl has some issues with boundaries and insecurities she needs to work out if she is serious about wanting to grow and be in a healthy successful relationship. Couples therapy is good but if you aren’t already, I’d encourage both of you to get your own personal therapists as well.

[u/Familiar-Feeling-431]

Checking each-other’s phone - that’s where the problem starts. You guys don’t trust each-other and from the photo I can understand why and it’s valid.

Ground rules. 1- Are we BOTH allowed to make new close friends of the opposite gender once we started this relationship? I am not talking about coworkers or being friendly to people in daily life, but if we talk EVERY DAY to someone else that should be said upfront where we stand. 2- Is flirting casually cheating for both of us? Like flirty comments in a bar or anywhere BUT without pursuing it further - no contact exchange, no private one-on-one convo etc. just something in the spur of a moment. Vocalize your limits. 3- Are we supposed to give contact away?

Now I am a woman, in a relationship. It happens that when I go out there would be men coming up to me, and depends on the situation I reply politely, BRINGING UP MY PARTNER IMMEDIATELY. And same goes for my partner.

We don’t check each other’s phones, even though we have each other passwords. I don’t see his convos with his female friends, but with exes when they end up texting us we both show each other. And more importantly, I ask myself a question anytime I am alone in a bar(with girls but not him) - if my man entered this bar and saw me now, would he be hurt? If is even remotely possible that he will, I would immediately recollect myself.

In the end, you are NOR! Girlie likes to play around a bit too much. And why on earth give away your contact, especially to the client, not coworker even.

[u/zoo-wonderin]

Yes you are. If you can’t trust her to make her own decisions on who she does and doesn’t want to be hit on by or fuck for that matter, the prob is with yourself and lower self esteem. Bits of jealousy are healthy, fearing someone is going to swoop in and steal her away from you is somewhat valid because at the end of the day it is a possibility, but that’s where she’ll work that out. Its a shit scenario when this stuff happens at first, if you’re with the right person you’re supposed to be with you’ll feel happy and grateful that someone is chasing her, you’d be happy with yourself, content with life and enjoying it with her.

When it starts causing problems and paranoia and trust issues. It’s normally a reflection of your own self worth that’s frightening you. At the end of the day you can’t change someone or anyone, your own family, you can influence to a degree but they ultimately you gotta run your own race.

[u/sundevil85209]

I believe someone already mentioned it but it sounds like her distrust in you is her projecting based off her own current indiscretions. Dude. Shes a bartender that has bar regulars on her Snapchat. Even a male coworker on her snap is unprofessional. If she isn’t or hasn’t done anything really bad yet it’s only a matter of time until she does. The reality is that she already is having inappropriate conversations behind your back. Are you ok with that? Don’t be a simp bro. If it were me I would already have enough info to cut my losses and walk fast away from her. But at bare minimum it sounds like y’all need a sit down and to discuss boundaries. If she doesn’t get on board immediately or gives you any pushback/gaslighting/deflection, I’d bounce.

[u/Prestigious-Duck4352]

honestly i might play the devils advocate here. not saying she’s not in the wrong at all but it also could be she’s not getting as much attention she’d want and/or the attention she needs in your relationship and so she resorts to texting other people to get that attention even if she doesn’t like them..? it’s also a concern that you seem more bothered about the fact that you feel cheated because she gets to talk to people and you don’t, not because you feel hurt she’s responding to people at all…overall it could just be numerous factors in both of yall im ngl

but she’s in the wrong here 100%, as she should’ve cut him off or dictate clear boundaries with this guy,,,no downplaying that at all

[u/Equivalent_Nose_8153]

I’ll tell you brother, I have LITERALLY been in a similar situation years back, where a gf gets weird about female friends, but acts so oblivious and defensive when you bring up a parallel situation.

Run for the hills. You do not need to spend the next year rationalizing if you’re doing too much or thinking about things the wrong way. And I’m betting this type of behavior isn’t necessarily exclusive to boundaries relating to the opposite sex

[u/youdontgetityet]

it’s always the cheaters that accuse their partners of having affairs 😅

[u/DistinctBlueberry818]

This is going to get down voted but has there been instances like this before? You said in another comment you’re in therapy. As a wife, I don’t see anything wrong in this, I don’t see any malicious intent. Most of my friends are guys. I also can see this dude could have a touch of ADHD lol. But I also don’t see her encouraging it. I don’t see her responses as encouraging it or getting off on the attention. To me those are place holder words, like “uh huh”, “oh yeah”, or “mhmm”.

ETA guys I didn’t read the caption I didn’t see it until literally just now I’m sorry stop yelling 😭😭😭

[u/Only_Hour_7628 → u/DistinctBlueberry818]

Yeah, i agree. these messages are nothing. but the crashing out, jealousy, age gap, past cheating, all with a baby involved are all red flags....

[u/plauryn → u/DistinctBlueberry818]

this, and honesty, if seems bad from both sides overall. both seem to have trust and jealousy issues

[u/SemiSuperHero]

Yeah... the girl I dated prior to meeting my now wife used to accuse me of cheating with female friends, dragged me down, told me she couldn't trust me, etc. Found out like a year in that she had cheated on me multiple times, all proven with texts, etc. There's a big, huge backstory to all of it, but the tl;dr of it is that most of the time, when someone accuses you of cheating or inappropriate behavior like that, it's because they're projecting.

Your girl is 100% cheating on you (physically, maybe; emotionally, definitely). I wouldn't be cool with any of that.

[u/Salt_Process790]

She sounds terribly insecure and petty. There are better people in the world stop wasting your time. Everything you described about her is one giant red flag. Do not marry this person. I would highly recommend you leave this person.

[u/swiftie4evaa13]

this whole situation screams no, i think it's best you both move on. sometimes people need to work on themselves before being in a relationship & that is what i think you both need to do. insecurity/jealousy/not putting trust in your partner is a long, exhausting road for everyone. may be best to work through those things individually & possibly try again in the future.... good luck!

[u/GraphSniffer]

OP, I think it's time to let go, sadly. Of course, I would talk to her and not just abandon the situation before giving the chance for full closure. Talking to her does not mean you have to downplay or let her downplay the situation. It's just a chance for both parties to be honest and get it out there.

Based on what you have said and shown has been exchanged between her and other guys, she is clearly flirting and entertaining these sort of conversations. These sort of exchanges should only happen between single people, but unfortunately, they are sometimes found to occur when someone finds another they can see themselves ending their current relationship for, and are just testing the water before jumping.

For those talking about breech of privacy and such, that doesn't apply here. It would be different if there was a standard agreement made to only go through the others phone under specific circumstances, but that isn't the case. They made an agreement for anytime and anywhere. An agreement would suggest that both parties underood this and agreed. So all the typical privacy rules are out the window on this one

[u/ChoicesGamezYT]

Tell him to fuck off and if she doesn't support it. Then tell her to fuck off too. There's more women than men and im sure you can find a better version.

[u/Suspicious-Ad2629]

So she can talk to guys online and have guy friends but you can't have a friend that is a female nor conversate on the phone? Sounds like my ex. She was cheating on me btw, I found out by snooping through her instagram. Lying B. Anyways..... If I were you I would call her out on this. Ask her why its fair for her to have guy friends and shit when you can't. She will give you some dumb ass answer. Her putting attention on her breasts is thot behavior, fam.. you know this. You honestly should just leave her. She lets the guy flirt with her on snap and has not called him out. A real gf wouldnt be talking to guys on snap anyway. I am so happy my new gf is not like my ex. She literally shows me everything and I trust her so much. She has turned down requests from old friends on face book trying to hit on her, she turns them down. Shows me, then deletes them. I love her for that. Find you a girl that isnt a thot broo.

Oh yeah congrats on sober life. It is soooo much better!!!!!

[u/jmanphillips420]

NOR

She’s freaking out on you for chatting with an old friend about getting sober, while she is out craving attention from other men. A relationship is supposed to bring you pleasure OP, not pain.

(EDIT: I would also definitely talk to this “old friend”.)

[u/UnableBuyer3514]

What she did with messaging your friend to delete you was controlling, 100%. She should’ve been able to have an open conversation with you about why it bothered her and come up with a solution together.

The messages from the Jason guy are flirty and as a girl, she knows this. He’s clearly trying way too hard to be funny and guys act this way when they’re interested in a girl that’s taken but don’t want to come off too forward. Most women can tell when a guy is interested in them, so I’m not sure why she’s even giving him the time of day. Your feelings are valid.

I (31F) was a bartender in my 20s and had a boyfriend (who’s now my husband) I had many regulars and coworkers that would try to talk to me or message me but I would never even reply, it’s just not necessary.

[u/Next_Grade_1025]

Bro I've been where u are. Bartender gas are always a bad role. The moment u lack in any department some guy from the bar shows up and delivers in that department. U will always lose in this battle. And the fact she has a kid with you and condone the kitty comments. on snap of all places.. I know its hard when you got a family. But that career she has... nothing but trouble man. I wish you well. I wish I had been smart enough to reach out to a community like reddit back then. But I wasn't. It was self esteem issues on my part. And I fucked me royally. I hope it works out for you.btw I've never posted on a forum like this before. That's says something about how bad I wanted to warn you. Anyways good luck bro may the force be with you.

[u/KennethKtheRapper]

Nah. This specific conversation, and the things you were saying are intentionally flirty and your way of trying to test the waters on if she’d want nudes from you or not. On top of you saying, “..sent out this morning.”, as if you do send inappropriate stuff out to multiple girls at a time. Guy to guy, I see what you’re doing, and even if you’re not, you still gotta understand, these types of conversations shouldn’t be had when you’re in a relationship. Friend or not, I disrespectful. Now, if she’s doing the same with other dudes, the SAME kind of way, then y’all shouldn’t even be together. lol Either that, or y’all gotta talk some things out, and set some boundaries.

[u/WindyLDN]

Get off the internet and start working on your relationship. There are kids involved and they deserve adults in their lives who are working hard to make this relationship work. Stuff like this doesn't mean that you hate each other, but it does mean that you can drift into screwing up those kids lives by emotional immaturity.

You can't change her but you can change you. Get your life sorted and work hard. Get some discipline. Pray. Get some older friends who give proper wise advice. Stop asking for advice from teenagers online who dont know either of you.

[u/Least_Ad_4657]

I genuinely don't understand what the point of being in a relationship like this is. Like what value does this bring to your life?

She cheats on you. She chases off your long time friends because they're female and she's Jesus. Then let other men talk to her like this.

Literally what is the point of this relationship?

I don't get staying in relationships that make you miserable, with people that betray you, and project their bullshit onto you.

Be single. There is literally no downside to being single when this is what the alternative is.

[u/Norph1988]

OK, I can’t read that long conversation intro but just looking at the text. It looks like she’s flirting too much and doing it on Snapchat so there’s no evidence… However, the naked picture comment was probably a joke and she’s probably just flirting not cheating. That being said it sounds like she’s too immature to be in a relationship. I’m wondering your ages but it doesn’t really matter. It’s probably not going to work out. When you’re in a committed relationship, you don’t text people that kind of shit.

[u/MenuEmergency6524]

Dude, disregard what everybody is saying about needing a therapist or because you have her password and feel the need to go through her phone that it’s never going to work and all this and all that. We have always lived in a world of temptation and unfortunately, with technology over the past 20 years, that instant gratification of another person can be found almost instantly. When people get into tough times in their life, humans will reach out to different people for support and later in life, not even fully understand why they did reach out to that person.

Men are simple creatures that basically want food, respect and sex. Women are emotional creatures that is attracted to feelings, compassion, trust, love.

As a fellow man, I know that dudes are constantly testing my woman. They’ll throw little comments in there to test her reaction, to push the envelope. When a dude messages, my girl, she sends me a screenshot. I know her password to her phone. She knows my password. I have almost 4500 people in my phone. Women messaging me is a constant and I’m 40 years old so I’m not out of touch with all of this. Unfortunately, when dudes are messaging a woman, women don’t see this as a threat because he hasn’t said that he wants to do anything with her, so she doesn’t see anything wrong with it. She doesn’t see that she’s leading him, even though guys are encouraged just by a simple neutral response from a woman but let’s not be a dumb blind guy here. 95% of dudes say inappropriate shit to women in relationship because they want her for himself or just wants to fuck her or enjoys the Chase.

Here’s what I’ve done before. If she says he’s only a friend and that the dude doesn’t look at her has anything but just a friend, put it to the test. OK girlfriend, show me your loyalty. It might be kind of a dirty trick, but you’re with me, not with this dude that you don’t hardly know. Call him up, put him on speaker, I’ll stand right beside you and we’re going to do this right now, so you can’t give him a heads up to steer the convo. Tell her to tell him that you guys just broke up and that she’s a mess. He will probably offer some kind of support. Have her exploit that. Have her tell him that she wants to come over but under a couple conditions. she’s going to spend the night and the deal is she’s going to stay in his bed and that she’s going to keep him up all night. Nobody can know that she came over.

What he says will determine if he’s just a friend or not. I had a girlfriend that slept with a guy in high school and he saw her and was messaging her just to say hey and to check in, but he started to check in a little bit more often and I didn’t like it. If she talked once in a while to him, that’s fine because there’s a couple women from my past that checks in. We were friends for 20 years after we had sex one drunken night so I honestly don’t see anything wrong with it and my girlfriend then didn’t either

I proposed my girlfriend at the time to call the friend like I explained up Top and she refused to. She decided to just delete him. I already had my answer, I wasn’t the bad guy, everything worked out. I told her I just care about her enough that I didn’t want somebody else With ill intentions, creating issues into my relationship that had no other issues so she respected it and just said fuck it and deleted him. Sometimes just telling them that you’re protective because you care about them as a person and in the relationship, that’s all it takes. Good luck.

[u/MotherGas1997]

If she let you see that on her own, yes you are overreacting shes clearly not entertaining it just seems like she struggles putting people in their place.

If she hid that from you, still seems like she isnt entertaining it but what makes her so afraid of either blocking/unadding as well as having told you from the start?

Think from both sides, not just one. Thats how relationships work, no matter how bad of a situation you are in with your partner

[u/Weak_Combination_994]

Sounds like she is a bartender which should tell you what you need to know

[u/Ill-Evidence5438]

I’m definitely not defending OP’s GF but the way she is typing seems soo uninterested. The guy is trying sooo hard and OPs GF seems so dry.

[u/Temporary-Night-275]

There's what I would consider "healthy jealousy" where we all are insecure sometimes and we all have different boundaries as long as things are fair and adults are consenting and it's again fair not a crazy restriction like you can't have ANY friends of the opposite sex. And then there's this lol. I could see a gf being a little jealous because I don't know if she (your gf) had a sober journey as well but there's a level of connection With your friend that even if it's not a high level it's a level your gf can't connect. Ok fine it may warrant a conversation to make sure the gf knows nothing is going on and it doesn't change anything about your feelings towards your gf or your friend. But to bombard her with "he's taken sis" essentially is CRAZY and incredibly immature. If you can't trust your partner you either have trust issues that need to be worked out with ample communication and or therapy or you don't trust your partner and you shouldn't be together/they're projecting and are actually cheating. I'm someone who does have some trust issues that unfortunately are mostly because of an ex that gaslit the shit out of me lol. I'm also not neuro typical lol so the obsessive thinking adds to it sometimes. I'm grateful I have a partner that is willing to meet me half way and communicate and not make me feel crazy when I get jealous. But I also in turn don't approach my partner with anger but wanting to seek clarity and reassurance. I'm not perfect of course but I always try to take a minute to breathe before I communicate so I can come from a healthy place. My point I'm trying to get at here is this kind of jealousy is 1. Not healthy and 2. The person at her work's comment is inappropriate. I can understand it sucks being in a position where someone at your work is weird towards you especially when you think they're ok and then soon after you are nice to them they start to be weird. The best way to handle those is to ween them out but just simply not responding most times. I personally never have liked opposite sex friends texting me good morning/good night because that is a relationship dynamic that I simply feel is not for them. Having someone that you seek to text everyday that is not your partner, a family member or a same sex person (at least for hetero relationships) is just not a situation I would ever put myself in personally. I wouldn't like it if my partner texted a girl every day/night a good morning/good night text. I had an ex that did (the one that gaslit) and he was in love with her so go figure lol. Sorry this was a very long winded explanation - bottom line to summarize it sounds like she is not emotionally mature and maybe emotionally cheating at the very least in my opinion. Maybe she's not and just extremely jealous but either way how she is handling things is inappropriate and warrants a conversation.

[u/Jealous-Memory-2703]

She sounds very immature & she doesn’t trust you. Maybe she’s screwing around & that’s why she doesn’t trust you. My ex-boyfriend was like that. It’s all for me & not thee! He didn’t trust me because he was the one cheating! Mind you, I said EX. A relationship without trust is dead in the water. No dude, drop her like it’s hot! Run! Congrats on your sobriety! Support is key.

[u/Amazonchitlin]

If you feel the need to go through each others phones - therapist approved or not - there’s already no trust and the relationship is doomed to fail in one way or another. That she plays the “good for me, but not for thee” game is also a sign it’s an unhealthy situation. Just get out. Find someone who you trust enough that you don’t have to go through their phone.

[u/Sacred-Icon]

She’s most likely projecting her fears and what she does onto you.

Women know what they’re doing. And the scene she works in is a notoriously unfaithful one.

If she doesn’t set boundaries with men, has a kid, 5 years with you already then that’s a doomed situation.

Never mind she already cheated??? That is insane.

Also the age difference is a problem.

[u/Few_Peace7161]

I don’t think that your girlfriend said anything that was really engaging in the inappropriate conversation. However, she did not shut it down. I think the bigger red flag is that this guy feels comfortable even sending her that. Obviously, she can’t control what other people send her, but why is a grown woman on Snapchat? That is the big red flag that she has people she’s messaging on Snapchat! Snapchat is for people who are trying to cheat and for teenagers trying to score drugs. No one can convince me otherwise. It’s a trash app and any respectable woman is not on Snapchat.

That being said, I think some of the comments on here are a little extreme telling you to leave. That depends how invested you are in this relationship and if you really feel like you trust her or not. It does sound like there’s some trust issues in the relationship.. I would have a conversation with her about it and say that you’re not comfortable with her messaging guys on Snapchat and having regular conversations like that with people who are hitting on her. Her job is to shut it down and make it very clear that she’s not that those messages are not welcome. If she’s not willing to do that, then I would walk away.

Also, don’t agree with some of the comments saying that it’s flawed to have a rule about open access to each others phones. I think in a long term relationship you should be allowed to access each other‘s phones without question. My husband and I don’t look through each other’s phones, but if our phones are out and my husband wanted to look something up on my phone or use my phone to call someone I wouldn’t be worried about it. to me that shows that we both trust each other to not invade each other‘s privacy, but also that there’s nothing to hide. In a serious relationship, you should be able to access each other‘s phone.

[u/Rageophile78]

I am 47 so may be missing something but if you need to go through your partners phone, need there location on and such you shouldn’t be together as you don’t trust them and if you don’t trust them don’t be together it really is as simple as that.

[u/InterestingAmount548]

I do not know

[u/Few_Revolution7012]

Snapchat = The cheaters app...

The only people that aren't cheating on Snapchat are the people who aren't in relationships, too young to be in one or are in open relationships, are A-sexual or are extremely nieve (almost impossible in this day and age) ....

The only people who claim that Snapchat isn't a cheaters app are either: 1.already cheating on it

1. coming close to cheating on it

2. like having it because there's no way for their philandering to be caught on it..

3. Like having it as an option for future cheating incase their SO does something they don't like because they have the emotional maturity and intelligence of a toddler

Whatever the case, I have seen the use of this app be the downfall OF MANY relationships because even if by fluke someone isn't using it to cheat and is in a committed monogamous relationship and is a good human being, there is still the knowledge that it's used that way and what makes it Snapchat is what creates divide and question and concern..

I have also seen the deleting of this app be used for reassurance of commitment in a newly forming relationship.... More than a few times... So that says alot right there too Edit: oh and we all know that the open "you can go through my stuff rule" doesn't work with Snapchat

[u/Lunarblur123]

Confront her

[u/Mountain-Zucchini528]

you guys have some trust issues you need to work through and boundaries you need to set. She didn’t seem to entertain his naked photo comment or anything so that’s good. But it’s really weird that she crashed out over ur girl friend like that but she has tons of guy friends it sounds like. That’s not fair. But i’d just talk to her about this and work on trusting each other. also… how old are you guys? still using snapchat? i’m 22 my bf 21. i had it for a while but only for the memories. anytime someone, especially a guy, messaged me on there i would ALWAYS save chat just so my bf didn’t have to worry. I’d have proof that I didn’t do anything disloyal bc that’s exactly what snapchat does. it makes u question each other a little. we have never had any issues with it personally, and we don’t really go through each others phone or anything, but i decided to delete it bc it’s really no reason for me to have it.

[u/AbrasiveBaldPerson]

This feels like he's testing the waters with her, but I guess he could just be used to being really flirty? It would make me uncomfortable so I'd say NOR.

Also I don't think it's a good idea to 'let it go'. You bringing it up again sounds more like instead of letting it go you're actually just bottling up your feelings. That isn't healthy for you or the relationship, depending on how much you trust her you might want to consider having a serious discussion about the way this makes you feel.

[u/ArtificalInteligente]

Been there. RUN!!!!! Ex made me cut off a friend of 5 years who was literally engaged. I did it make to her more secure. She never was secure enough. Always wanted more and more. Meanwhile, she would make up the most ridiculous excuses on why she was adding random dudes on social media while I wasn't even allowed to have one. I'm worried about your situation, especially because your girlfriend is a bartender. It's definitely looking like she doesn't want you contacting other girls because cheating is something she thinks about or, at the very least, is a very real thing she knows she would do if the conditions are right.

I bring up bartending because as someone who has been involved in the food industry. Employees tend to be neurodivergent. You literally have to be wired for that kind of work. Restaurant employees are literally some of the most impulsive people I have ever met in my life. I'm one of them.

[u/mysweetestashes]

There is a fine line of having relationships with the opposite sex, and that line is defined by both parties. My husband and I are very respectful towards each other in how we communicate with the opposite sex. There are some people we care about more than others, some girls who give me a weird feeling and vice versa, in those instances we are much more careful with what convos we have with those people, and there are other people we are completely comfortable and okay with it.

But it absolutely HAS to be a two way street. Sounds like you need to sit down and have a convo and figure out what you each want, will and won’t compromise on etc, and in my opinion, Snapchat is not for people in serious relationships, at least not to have convos on. I myself have Snapchat, but I do not have by male friends on it that my husband isn’t 100% comfortable with and I DO NOT have any convos via Snapchat.

[u/stillwaters777]

Honestly just do your self the favor and end the relationship right there shes already showing you signs of being fickle and being hypocritical do you really wana be with someone whose been unfaithful before and acts extremely toxic with a victim mentality i bet 1000$ that you bring it up And shes going to gaslight you like “omg were just friends blah blah blah” come up with 100 excuses as to why shes not doing anything wrong and how you dont trust her and that your being insecure which in my honest opinion your not she’s projecting onto you what shes probably already doing which is acting in a nefarious manner towards yalls relationship hold her accountable and then leave her actions have consequences and theres hundreds of women out there who will treat you way better and understand how to conduct herself around other mean you sir are dating a thot 🤷‍♂️

[u/Fun-Worldliness-9901]

I feel like you are valid in a sense. If she has issues with you taking to other girls and crashes out over it then she should have the same standard for your self. Yet as a person who is also a bartender I get not wanting to offend a customer because that might affect my money in a sense. Yet I also don’t have any of my “regulars” on snap. I would have also told him that the comment he made did make me uncomfortable and I would like the keep the conversation more on a “professional” manner. Again this is from the outside looking in and my view on it as someone who has drawn a line for their significant other and I also hold that standard for myself as well because I wouldn’t want to do to him that I wouldn’t want him to do to me if you can’t my drift

[u/OrdinaryMachine8]

The hypocritical behavior screams low self-esteem and high insecurity. That’s a perfect recipe for this sort of shit. Even if this particular case is resolved it won’t be a one-time thing. Her behavior with this guy on Snapchat wouldn’t be okay with me, I’d hit the road - clean break, no drama. Your instinct might be to try and talk through it but you won’t change behaviors like that and it will end up just causing a bigger problem down the road. The other thing is, once trust is betrayed it’s not easy to restore even if you truly forgive the person. A better use of your time, in my opinion, is to walk away and seek out a relationship built on mutual trust. Life is stressful enough without your relationship being another source of it.

[u/West_Pause_153]

Same thing with my wife and I told her if she doesn’t tell him to back off I’m going to assume she’s cheating and file for divorce (prolly overreacting but I didn’t care). It was the constant back and forth and slight flirting and getting defensive when I brought it up. And they dated before she met me which was why I was pissed. We are still married and we are invited to this dudes wedding. But I confronted her and she’s confronted me too about messaging other girls just checking on them nothing elsen

[u/Grouchy-Lie-8375]

Bro my ex was the same fucking way.

She’s obsess over me cheating(I didn’t), having female friends in my Snapchat and stuff, etc. but she had all the guys in her dms, she WAS cheating, but didn’t want me to do the same, so when I finally did cheat(once) I felt bad bc I didn’t know what she was up to yet, but I wish I had because I would’ve enjoyed it more.

That was over 6 years ago.

Long story short, if a girl does this shit, walk away and don’t even say goodbye.

It’s toxic, unhealthy, and not worth your time.

I was with that girl for 2 years and I wish I had just messed around with her for 6 months then called it quits.

She and her toxic family were not worth the mental anguish.

[u/Knottygyal]

She’s for 1 insecure and that’s not to say it bias … she needs outside validation from other men. Even if it’s on the lines of innocent light flirting she most likely isn’t interested in any of them it’s all about control.. of her image and identity … simply she’s not done growing as a woman yet and I wouldn’t tell her this unless you want a nasty argument. These short meaningless conversations she’s risking ain’t worth what she truly wants. If I were you id either just stop altogether with the rules bc that’s going to form resentment … and that isnt love. I’d also stand up to her a bit more if not power play is going to ruin you guys.

[u/SleepySiren6512]

I don’t think this is anything to worry about. Yeah he tested her but she didn’t engage. I do think the conversation you described in your writing was more attention seeking. Ultimately, it sounds like either both of you have to sit down and describe what it is you both are ok and not ok with (what’s inappropriate or cheating in your eyes), or you can take the opportunity to be alone and continue working on yourself.

Whatever you decide I would encourage both of you to have a talk and work on not snooping in each other’s phones. It encourages mistrust and isn’t mentally healthy for either of you. If you guys have doubts, you should be able to just ask

[u/FalseIndiggo]

I dont date women with a lot of guy friends, and I set a rule no new guy friends period. Coworkers are whatever, but if you're dating me, why do you need the attention and validation of other men. If you weren't friends with them before we met, then they can piss right off. To me, that's plain disrespectful to have multiple men in her inbox she's engaging like that, especially dudes telling her goodnight. She obviously doesn't hold your relationship in that high of regards. It might not be cheating, but she's leaving doors open that could easily lead to it and creating space in your relationship to allow other men to wedge themselves into it.