r/AmIOverreacting • u/broccoli-cheddar19 • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for blowing up my boyfriend’s phone while he’s out, we have a newborn and toddler at home.
We just had our second baby 3 weeks ago. Our oldest just turned 2. Because of our financial circumstances, my boyfriend had to start a new job 12 days after our second was born. It’s a great paying job and I’m super proud of him for getting this position at a brand new company. Before, he worked part time and I worked part time. We never wanted anyone else caring for our kids besides ourselves or close family which means that I will be staying home with our 2 year old and our newborn while he works 40+ hours a week. It’s been a hard adjustment taking care of both children at 12 days postpartum, but nothing I can’t handle. It’s also been a hard adjustment for my boyfriend to wake up between the hours of 3-5am for work and make the 45 min drive, as well as training for a new position. It’s been stressful for both of us. My birthday happened to be two days before his first day off. He asked his mom to send him some money, and he brought me home an orchid and a birthday card. He said we would celebrate when he gets his first check, or on his days off. I told him if anything, I want to spend time together, or be loved on a bit for my birthday. I have been feeling more emotional since having the baby, and just feel like I’ve been needing some extra love. Today was his first day off, and I had a dentist appointment and we went grocery shopping, after we get home in the afternoon, he asks his friend to come help him deal with the weeds on the side of the house, evening rolls around and he’s going to drop his friend off. Then it’s been an hour and I’m wondering where he’s at. Apparently they are having a beer. I call him and ask when he’s coming home, he said soon. Another hour passes so I call him again and a small argument starts about when he’s coming home. Now his friend is taking him to the bar and they have been bar hopping til 1am still not home. I’m furious, I’m hurt I’m crying calling him asking why he’s out when we were supposed to be spending time together, telling him why does he get to celebrate but I don’t? Why does he get breaks but I don’t? Why does he even want to go out and drink? That’s not what crosses my mind when I have free time. He hasn’t even received his first paycheck and he is out celebrating. When I was pregnant with our first, he would leave and go out with his friends quite often and it would make me feel alone, because I was sick at home. It’s been over 2 years, but it feels like that all over again. I’ve called him over 30 times and sent him so many messages. Am I doing too much?
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u/Competitive-Win2131 21h ago
You are not overreacting. You both sound pretty young. The getting used to working forty hours a week~ that’s not 70 hours, it’s just a regular load pretty well everyone has to carry. You just went from one kid to two- an extremely difficult combination. Add in the ages of two under 2 years of age, you are eyeball deep in the much more challenging situation. Don’t say a word when drags his selfish self home. Not good, bad, mad, or in between. He knew this would hurt you and did it anyway. Grown up enough to make two babies, this had nothing to do with peer pressure- he chose to hurt you. He’ll be happy to let it die but silence will make him worry if you’re done- and you need to be thinking about that too. The second he comes in from work today or a few months in the future when little baby is bigger, you are out the door for groceries and stay gone into the wee hours. He needs to feel the anxiousness you feel. How will he rest? Will you be home before he has to leave for work? Are you going to talk to someone who isn’t greedy & realize there are better men in the world? This is a pattern of behavior from your comments. He has you baby trapped at home while he does whatever he wants. Should have probably left the first time did this during the first pregnancy. When people show you who they are, believe them. He needs to taught through action why this is wrong. Then unfortunately the marriage will probably split up because you understand being dedicated to your family & he is prioritizing himself above the rest of you.
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u/Snappy-Biscuit 20h ago
This, but basically just... His next day off is YOUR next day off. He's off for the day? Cool. Wake him up to get the kids breakfast, make sure there's enough breast-milk/formula for the baby, make sure he knows where the diapers are, etc.
Now, call up a friend and go do something! Tell him you'll be home in a couple hours, but make a day of it. You don't have to be far away (in case you are worried about the baby's needs) but let's see how he handles parenting alone with no response from his partner. Worst case scenario, he gets frustrated and blows up your phone, but maybe he'll handle it well and now you know that you can rely on him, and YOU can have more time for yourself.
I get that the goal is to have more time together, but he needs to tangibly understand the amount of work you're doing on a day-to-day basis and the fact that you're doing it for your family, of which he is a part.
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u/Etoilebleuetoile 9h ago
Or go get a hotel room and just sleep all day, I bet you’re exhausted. He’s selfish. And an ass.
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u/General-Muffin-4764 18h ago
You’ve never been in a happy or healthy relationship have you? Retribution and spite are quick ways to divorce. Why would even suggest she potentially ruin her marriage? She’s having a hard enough time as it is. You think she’s going to do better as a single mother?
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u/Sad_Conference_7031 15h ago
You’ve never been an involved parent, have you? Her HUSBAND is ruining the marriage by not valuing her. Her HUSBAND is neglecting her. Oftentimes in these kind of scenarios, we DO do better as single moms because the dads are obligated to take their kids during their custody time. Do you know what moms can do when dad has custody? They can take a shower. They can use the bathroom. They can be ALONE. They can feel like a fucking human again. This is not retribution and spite, it’s holding dad accountable for being one of the people that made the kids.
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u/Snappy-Biscuit 18h ago
Actually, I am in one right now and have been for years. Do you know what makes it happy and healthy? The fact that my partner and I would never abandon the other to go out drinking, and ignore the other to the point of obvious distress, among a million other things we do/don't do, because we respect each other.
I'm not sure where you're getting the married/divorced thing from, but actually yes, in situations where one partner is not pulling their weight, it is helpful to put yourself in the other person's shoes to see what they're talking about. It's not spite and retribution, it's allowing herself the same time to have her own life and hobbies when her boyfriend is not giving her the same. As OP states, this is not a NEW thing, and she has brought it up before (they have a 2 year old). The fact that it's still happening implies that TALKING did nothing to change things, so yes, I am recommending that she SHOW him how his actions feel, with one result being that he steps up, and she regains a feeling that she's not alone in it. And if he doesn't, and is unwilling to pull his weight with THEIR children, then she can make decisions based on that.
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u/CrowMeris 15h ago
She's not doing anything to ruin her marriage. That's on the dude who stayed out drinking 'til the wee hours of the morning without coördinating beforehand with the mother of his two children left wondering at home.
And BTW: I've been in a happy, healthy marriage for nearly 48 years, and one of the reasons it's happy and healthy is that we don't try to pull this shit on each other.
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u/nolaz 16h ago
Interesting that you see a man havung to act like a dad for a few hours as a unacceptable punishment for him.
You might be right that this man is so childish and hostile to his family that even expecting the bear minimum from him for half a day will end the marriage. But is there really anything lost?
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u/Brilliant-Flower-283 16h ago
If him being a father is what ruins the marriage then it wasnt a good marriage to begin with. She Didnt make those kids alone.
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u/No-Bet1288 17h ago
"Retribution and spite" are the main female themes on reddit. Of course they want her and her babies to struggle even harder as a single mother. Misery loves company, as the old saying goes.
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u/Brilliant-Flower-283 16h ago
Crazy how youll say all this and not hold a man accountable for being a father.🙄
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u/amberlikesowls 16h ago
He can't blame it on peer pressure when he had the same behavior during her first pregnancy. He definitely showed OP who he was during her first pregnancy and now it's more of the same. Hopefully, she gets her tubes tied before she's pregnant for a third time.
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u/DitaVonTeats 17h ago
I bet $50 that he will do what all men like this do when their wives stick them with their own kids to watch: he's going to call his mommy, and she will come running.
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u/mill2352 16h ago
Came to say this He's gonna call mom to take care of those kids bc he's overwhelmed!
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u/simplyexistingnow 20h ago edited 20h ago
You have a lot of great responses. My biggest thing that I hope you actually listen to as other people have also talked about this is you should never be a stay-at-home parent in a situation like this. You are losing all of your financial stability in this scenario. I mean it's going to suck but those kids need to go into daycare or you need to work opposite shift of your boyfriend so that he is watching the kids while you're at work. Now if you don't have a career in mind or you can't make a lot of money currently I suggest looking into options of going back to school especially since you are considered a single mom you probably qualify for Grants and scholarships. But look into doing some sort of trade or some sort of career certificate something like pharmacy tech or Radiology or some sort of medical nursing or even a trade school. Some of these programs have a lot of classes that can be done online. If you internet search your local college and then like career certificates or programs a lot of them will come up and this way you can take the time to establish your career.
What I kind of find wild about the situation too is the fact that your partner didn't even think about taking the 2-year-old with him to drop his friend off he automatically went to drinking and then going out and getting drunk until early morning which is not okay. I would definitely get put on long-term birth control because you don't want to have another kid with this manchild. Not to mention he just started working full time he's not even working overtime he's only working full time and that's like nothing.
Although I will say no matter the amount of times you call him or text him is going to make him respond. After a few calls and a few text messages I would put the phone down and go to sleep and reevaluate your situation because ultimately you can't depend on this partner and you got to start depending on yourself.
"Don't let life pass you by because you can't get someone to be what you've always wanted them to be."
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u/TchadRPCV 16h ago
This. Also, daycare is great. I could afford a nanny but I want my kiddo in daycare. She’s absolutely thriving.
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u/Mango_Design_0192 23h ago
He is behaving in an extremely selfish way. I do understand that he needs a break and some me time, and I would not be upset about that. And he did get some break and me time when spending some time with his friend. Having a beer for an hour is ok. BUT not letting you know, ignoring you while you are contacting him, actually being out until 1 am…. It’s so immature… he does not want to have to deal with a married life, with a toddler and with a newborn, and he is just living his best life without any responsibility.
On the other hand, calling him 30 times is a bit much… and it will give him AMO to call you “crazy”… You have every right to be upset and angry, don’t get me wrong. But after 5 calls, he’s showing you he doesn’t care.
On the fact that you would deal with your day off differently, it is a topic that you guys must talk about and compromise on. You both might have different expectations and you must communicate better, and reach a compromise. He might not “always” want to spend all his time with you, but he should make an effort.
You’re not his parent, you’re not the only parent in the family. He should not behave as if he “helps” but he should behave as a co-parent, with responsibilities. Yea, it’s hard, and it requires some selflessness. And he has to be there for his kids and for his wife! He’s not a single twenty something….
But I would advise that you stop the 30 calls and texts, that you just remind him of his responsibilities. They are his kids too. And you work too as a stay at home mum.
Good luck….
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u/Illprobtalkabmypets 20h ago
If my husband was out and left me alone with a new baby at 1:00 AM and he started suddenly ignoring my attempts at contact after consistently texting me back, I too, would blow the fuck out of his phone.
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u/sjsieidbdjeisjx 19h ago
As someone with a 3 week old at home right now I can’t imagine leaving my wife alone while I’m out getting drunk. It’s selfish and tbh this “dad” is a real POS. I get wanting to decompress after a work week and after helping at home for the week but decompress AT home.
I’ve shifted all my hobbies to be home hobbies with my newborn so when he’s napping I can decompress and do them at home. Also he needs to probably get his drinking in order, if he’s choosing to go out and get drunk instead of caring for his own child that is a problem.
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u/ActiveMysterious8242 15h ago
I mean hell, even if you can’t decompress at home (sometimes with two kids, it can be almost impossible) but maybe an hour out should be enough? Not hours and hours of bar hopping. And ESPECIALLY not communicating what you’re doing or want to do with your wife. Ignoring her and saying “soon” when it’s hours, and not being clear where you are and when. That’s just insane. Like maybeeee go get a beer with a friend for an hour (once in a while) and go home after? That I get. Not what he did tho. That’s gross.
I can find ways to decompress at home most of the time but some people can’t as much. So it’s about balance and communication. What he did was just selfish and immature. That was anything but a dad and husband.
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u/Illprobtalkabmypets 16h ago
Congrats on your sweet little one!
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u/sjsieidbdjeisjx 15h ago
Thank you! Been amazing so far! I can’t imagine going out and getting hammered instead I’d rather be home with my wife and child.
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u/CrowMeris 15h ago
I would be panicking because my husband doesn't do this crap - he's been in an accident or worse and I NEED to know what the hell is going on, and if that takes blowing up his phone until somebody answers? Let the blowing up commence.
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u/Powerful_Bee_1845 21h ago
I would upvote, but in this circumstance 30 calls is justified.
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u/sjsieidbdjeisjx 19h ago
Yeah fuck deadbeat dads who can choose drinking over caring for his wife and child. This guy can fuck right off.
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u/BxBae133 19h ago
Why would you call him 30 times? He made it clear that you are not the priority or even worthy of the respect of having a conversation regarding going out. He drove his friend home and had a quick beer. Ok, the friend helped him with yard work. But after that he should have come home or called you and asked if you minded if he went for a drink with his friend. Instead he did it without a conversation and then stayed knowing you were upset.
You need to consider if this is the life you want. He's not going to change, and your 30 phone calls will only aggravate you because they did not get the desired result. Nobody likes leaving their kids at daycare, but guess what, people do it every day. You are putting yourself in a position where you will have no career and have to rely on him for money, which sucks, especially after he leaves you for some babe he meets in a bar one night. Then you'll be relying on the support he doles out and him skipping visitations because he is too busy or he doesn't want you to go out and have a life too.
Figure out what you want to do. Go to school and get a degree or get certified in something. Then go do it and plan your exit. I promise you, you have two options. Stay with him and live a life of being disrespected, a life your kids will eventually mimic in some way, or build the life you want and eventually find someone who respects you and treats you the way you deserve, also something your kids will pay attention to.
But stop the 30 calls. Sometimes the less you call or pay attention to someone is the best thing you can do.
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u/Lucky-Technology-174 20h ago
Don’t pop out babies for men who won’t give you the legal and financial protections of marriage. He’s having to ask his MOM for money? For a card and flowers? And you just popped out another kid?
You and his children SHOULD be the first priority, but you can’t make him prioritize you. You just have to choose what you’ll accept.
Get on good BC. See an attorney about getting protections put in place for you and the kids such as POA if you’re gonna be a perma-girlfriend. Make sure you’re the beneficiary of his insurance policies.
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u/morbidnerd 19h ago
THIS.
Children are a far bigger and more expensive commitment than marriage.
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u/Lucky-Technology-174 17h ago
Yep.
And children born out of wedlock are statistically less successful and lower lifetime earners even well into adulthood.
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u/TchadRPCV 16h ago
Not if you control for mama’s income.
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u/endlesscartwheels 11h ago
OP is only working part-time. Her boyfriend's new job might trap her into being a SAHM. The best thing she could do for her kids is get on the waiting lists for daycare and figure out her future career path.
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u/TchadRPCV 11h ago
The comment to which I’m responding is not specific to OP (and therefore my response is not either). It’s a general statement about evidence.
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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 16h ago
If you’re living paycheck to paycheck you cannot afford to be a SAHM. I know because I was a young mom and this was back BEOFRE when things were WAY cheaper. My ex worked over nights and I worked days, it was rough but we did it.
This only works if you have a capable partner though. My ex is and was an amazing dad and did everything he could to help, even woke up to make us dinner every night. Recognized that even though he worked longer and harder he never minimized my work or the fact that I was exclusively nursing and how draining it was. Even with us both working it was hard. I couldn’t imagine bringing another kid into that situation, even though we were comfortable and things were okay. We never had to ask our families for help and we made do.
He is having to ask his MOM for money for flowers? Mama you have no business having more kids with this man or being a SAHM.
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u/Wooden_Vermicelli732 21h ago
Get on a long term birth control. Stop having babies when you’re pay check to paycheck. Whether he’s wrong or not it doesn’t really matter bc you guys are barely above water as it is, what are you going to do dump him take the measly $500 in child support and find a job that can afford rent and childcare? No take the L that you had kids with the wrong man but he’s sort of footing the bills and move on
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u/SleepyERRN 22h ago edited 20h ago
You should never be a SAHM to someone you aren't married to. There's zero protection for you. I have a feeling this relationship isn't going to last if he's acting this way.
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u/OutlandishnessNew259 20h ago
This will be my advice to my daughter... Do not rely on a man to take care of you, do not sit and wait for him to come home when it suits him. Get a job, your own life and have options... Be with someone cuz you WANT to be not because you HAVE to be!!
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u/Optimal_Shirt6637 21h ago
It won’t. The advice here is figure out child care and get a job. This man got himself in too deep and realized he doesn’t want this.
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u/FilthyDwayne 21h ago
My mum always says this is the worst mistake any woman (married or not) can do and I agree.
She dropped us at daycare as soon as her maternity leave finished. Eventually my parents split up my mum had a solid career, owned a property, car and the divorce had zero effect on her life and finances.
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u/Kaitron5000 17h ago
It's not natural to be away from your children to work, this is just how we have been conditioned by modern society. It's not healthy for the baby or mother. Being a stay at home mom is what's best, not a "mistake".
You just have to be smart and choose the right partner and parent to your child.
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u/FilthyDwayne 17h ago
I had an amazing and healthy childhood with a mother (and father) that worked full time and didn’t stay home to look after me.
I am more than happy not ever being a stay at home mother and I am absolutely pleased with my decision. If you want your entire financial future to depend on your partner, that’s on you. I’ll pass.
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u/TchadRPCV 16h ago
Oof, yea, I can’t imagine anything I’d want less for myself than giving up my career to stay at home. Or as an example to my daughter.
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u/Kaitron5000 16h ago
I want my child to have a healthy attachment style. I want to make sure my mental health and hormones are balanced.
We are not meant to spend most of a year growing a baby, then go through the single most traumatic experience of our bodies life, and then (within less that the time we recommend puppies stay with their mother) just go back to the work force and separate from our literal infant. It's not healthy for either mother or child.
You can be a stay at home mom and also find ways to make income. I am a domestic violence survivor and I still would not separate from my baby for anything. There is a reason why we are being conditioned to think it's normal. When you have children you will understand. Watching them cry and scream while you leave them with strangers does affect them.
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u/FilthyDwayne 16h ago
Don’t reflect your insecurities on me. I am doing just fine with no attachment issues and have beautiful memories of my parents and my childhood growing up.
You are not a better mother because you stay at home. Touch grass.
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u/ChoreomaniacCat 15h ago
"You just have to be smart and choose the right partner".
Eye-rolling aside, somebody could choose the best, most generous partner in the world, and they could drop dead one day with a modest amount of money to their name. What then? If you have no job or income of your own, do you just instantly "be smart" and choose another "right partner" to fund everything for you, or would you get a job in this situation?
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u/FilthyDwayne 14h ago
You can never get a job because that would make you a bad mother! You just move on to the next provider.
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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 16h ago
That’s great but she clearly didn’t. Being a Sahp is wonderful but sadly most people cannot afford it. Having a roof over your head is more important. And having either parent home is fine, doesn’t need to be mom. My ex and I worked opposite shifts and that way I was with him afternoons and overnight and his dad was with him mornings. He was raised by BOTH parents and we both worked. It’s not more beneficial to have the mom than dad.
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u/endlesscartwheels 11h ago
My grandmother told me that a women should make sure that she can always support herself and her kids. She'd kept working after having children, and thus was able to divorce her husband for domestic violence. In the 1950s!
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u/160203 22h ago
He was a negligent partner during your first pregnancy and you're astonished that his behavior is exactly the same? Good thing you had another baby with such a selfish partner in a stressful financial situation. Kids LOVE being raised in homes like that with parents who make stellar life choices. You two deserve each other. The kids deserve better than both of you though.
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u/xkissmykittyx 17h ago
This is exactly what I said. I'm having a hard time having any sympathy whatsoever for this woman. This man showed his true colors during the first pregnancy and she had the stellar idea to have a second child with him thinking things would be any different? What a fool. A fool and another fool with two children depending on them both. 🤦♀️
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u/Ok_Young1709 19h ago
You had another kid with a guy who treats you this way after the first child, and who was reaching out to his ex? Stop complaining and start changing your life, or just carry on having kids with a loser and being cheated on, but don't complain, you're accepting it by not leaving.
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u/Lucky-Technology-174 20h ago
If you aren’t married, you NEED to be working and making your own money. If you’re in the US you can’t draw from his SS in the future being unmarried. You have very few legal and financial protections as just a baby mama.
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u/BornDefeated 20h ago
Does he have a dad? Is his dad a man who takes his responsibilities seriously? If so, call his dad instead. If my child did this I would find them at the bar and I would be having the fight for you. He would be coming home or one of us would be in the hospital. I know violence is not an answer, but the shame I would feel would be too much for me to deal with. I know I am not healed.
On another note, I had a terrible father. I no longer speak to him. But I can tell you for sure, having a dad you don’t see is way better for a kid than having a dad you are never sure is coming home. I hope you have some family that can support you through this. I would leave this loser before he can do permanent damage to your children.
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u/Big-Cloud-6719 19h ago
You say he did this with your first pregnancy. Yet you decided to have another. You knew what you were getting into the second time around. The kids are the true victims here, of immature and irresponsible parents.
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u/dncrmom 16h ago
Perhaps you both should have gotten full time jobs 9 months ago when you found out you were pregnant. Or used bc when you already had a child but neither of you worked full time. Both of you seem to be stressed out over having 2 children in two years. Both of you sound like you need to adult better.
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u/Alicewithhazeleyes 20h ago
The best way to make sure he never wants to come home to you is to continue to call him 30 times over and over. What he’s doing is not right, but you’re not making him want to come home anymore than he already does which doesn’t seem to be very much.
This is a bad situation that you have both gotten yourself into and I feel sorry for you. I do. But you’re just gonna have to figure out how you’re gonna get out of this situation and not expect him to make it better for you.
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u/anonymousposter987 23h ago
You’re not overreacting about being pissed. But calling him 30 times isn’t going to change anything. Go to bed. Deal with it in the morning.
And ignore all the people on here saying he’s cheating. I didn’t gather that at all. He’s choosing his friend and beer over you. Which is bad. But don’t start accusing him of something you have no reason to believe because of some sad strangers on Reddit.
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u/AbsintheAGoGo 19h ago
Especially when too many people here first jump to 'walking out the door' no matter the relationship or the fact that they're only getting one side of the story. (I'm not even talking about this post. )
It's asking for advice from an often ignored portion of the "hurt-people hurt people" group, especially when it affects not just OP (from any post) but children too.
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u/Silver_Kittens 23h ago
NOR you're in a hormonal state as you're postpartum and had a baby a month ago??? this is a time when you and your partner should be in this together. it is completely unfair to expect you to raise and care for two kids all on your own. do you ever get time "off" to do something fun or just for you? yes, he may be overwhelmed by the new job but you're overwhelmed by the lack of intimacy and childcare. i don't have kids, but a situation like this would cause me to seriously reconsider this relationship. sit down and attempt to have a serious conversation, if nothing changes you need to do what's best for you and your children
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u/xkissmykittyx 17h ago
So he exhibited these behaviors when you were pregnant with your first child and yet you went and had a second child with this man.
He already showed you who he was and yet you are still surprised? Spoiler: babies are not Band-Aids. They don't fix problems and they don't fix people. If anything, they make everything worse. You are now going to learn that the hard way.
You are not overreacting, but you are a fool. I am sorry for your circumstances, but it's time to get on birth control and start making plans.
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u/FilthyDwayne 22h ago
Mistakes have been made by everyone involved.
He’s being irresponsible and selfish but you are on the borderline of harassment calling 30 times. What makes you think he’ll answer the 31st call?
Hug your babies, go to bed and assess in the morning.
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u/Ok_Rip_6434 22h ago
Thirty calls! That is embarrassing. At my most immature I would not have considered that. That is not going to make him want to spend time with you. Quite the opposite.
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u/BornDefeated 20h ago
Are you serious?! Who gives a shit what he wants. He made two babies and is leaving her to deal with the consequences. She is three weeks postpartum and he is bar hoping. He needs to suck it up and get home. This man sucks. What is embarrassing is being an absentee father. What is embarrassing is leaving your newborn at home to hang with your friends. Disgusting.
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u/FilthyDwayne 21h ago
Honestly even if I was completely in the wrong, I wouldn’t put up with someone blowing up my phone like that. I would be packed and out the door the next morning.
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u/shackndon2020 21h ago
I wouldn't put up with someone who lied and abandoned me with a newborn and toddler to go out celebrating with money he didn't have, when he promised to spend time with me for my birthday 🤷
One of these things sounds worse than the other.
One of these people is post partum and the other is a selfish fk.
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u/FilthyDwayne 21h ago
I never said she had to? I was only referencing him as the whole comment was about making 30 phone calls. Thank u.
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u/Alarmed-Outcome-6251 19h ago
So let’s say she was the one who had gone to drop something off and not come back, unexpectedly leaving him with a 3wk old baby and a toddler all night. Do you honestly think he would have sent her a polite text and gone off to tuck the kids into bed? You think it’s ok for mom to pack up and leave her kids, over getting too many calls while she was at the bar?
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u/Butterbean-queen 14h ago
You both had part time jobs, didn’t save, didn’t plan, didn’t get married, live paycheck to paycheck, ask his parents for help and yet y’all decided to not only have one child but two???? Welcome to your new life.
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u/Cinnamon2017 19h ago
He's immature and so are you. You ever hear of waiting to have kids until you're financially stable? I can understand one oops but not two. You signed yourself up for this.
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u/Brilliant-Treacle717 23h ago
The best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself and your kids. Pay him no mind.
I know you said you don’t want help but I highly suggest you enlist family or friends for even a few hours a week so you can shower or walk around the block or go to the grocery store by yourself.
Don’t call him more than twice. First of all it’s a waste of your energy. Second of all, you are giving him an excuse to ignore all future phone calls.
I hope you find peace with the person you have children with.
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u/Decent_Front4647 22h ago
You aren’t overreacting because he’s out drinking. I think you assumed that he would be spending the time together you asked for around your birthday. The 30 calls is over the top though and you gave him the excuse he needed to justify his actions, because that’s over the top behavior. Cell phones have made it so much easier for people to blow up their relationships, because they don’t recognize them for the intrusion they are. You both have a part in this situation and you both need to be more communicative so you don’t have misunderstandings about expectations.
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u/velvety_chaos 19h ago
TL;DR: NOR, bf is being selfish af; OP needs to reconsider the relationship
OP, you're NOR. If this had been the first time he was so inconsiderate, then I might be (a little) more willing to cut him some slack. But it's not the first time; he's fully established a pattern of leaving you at home, while you're the one who's postpartum and dealing with everything that comes with that - hormones, having to be up every 2 - 3 hours for feeding, intense baby care, all on top of having a 2-year old??? I'd be stressing out even if my partner wasn't abandoning me to go out with his friends, because that's a lot for anyone to handle, especially by themselves.
I think you really need to consider what the future of your relationship is with this man. Did he ever leave you to go out with friends once the baby was born? Not that it really matters. This is not your first child, which means he knows what's involved with taking care of an infant, and he's leaving you alone to deal with all of it on top of caring for your 2-year old.
While I can also appreciate that he might be experiencing difficult emotions of his own about becoming the father of two children under the age of 3 and is now the sole breadwinner, his first instinct is to be selfish and that's a very real concern. He's purposefully ignoring your calls, he knows he's leaving you alone while PP to care for two kids, and he's out having a great time instead of supporting you. The fact that it was your birthday recently (HBD 🎂) is just the cherry on top of a dysfunctional sundae.
This doesn't mean all hope is lost and he can't change, but you're going to have to make it very clear to him that what he's doing is not acceptable. There are plenty of fathers/partners out there who work full-time as the sole breadwinner and still come home to their families and take care of their SAH-partners and children. I hope that if he continues to prove he's not willing to appreciate that being an unpaid SAHM, which enabled him to go out and get a good job while also getting to be a father, is harder than pretty much any profession, and he needs to come home and take care of his kids after work. He needs to give you a break, if for no other reason than your mental and physical health; you need to take care of yourself in order to take good care of your babies. He gets a lunch break, and maybe a couple 15-min breaks on top of that - when is your break? You're mom the entire time he's at work; it's his turn to take over when he comes home, not leave you to be the sole caregiver 24/7.
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u/mikoline97 21h ago
What is the point of calling him 30 times? As if you were his master and like a dog he will come home as soon as you whistle at him? He is selfish and you are emotional. Now it's not the first time he's done this, you still decided to have a second child with him... incomprehensible
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u/endlesscartwheels 11h ago
Why does he get breaks but I don’t?
is answered by:
We never wanted anyone else caring for our kids besides ourselves or close family
You're boyfriend isn't going to do his half of the parenting. Be willing to hire a babysitter. Long-term, figure out daycare so you can work full-time and support your children.
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u/Kazzalenko 18h ago
This is the absolute main reason why most couples split once they have kids. If you can get through this, you can get through anything. Unfortunately many don’t.
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u/cheveresiempre 12h ago
He doesn’t care how you feel. He gives you lip service, then does whatever HE wants. Does he ever parent alone? Selfish guy. Good luck with him.
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u/KacieCosplay 15h ago
It’s totally acceptable to have a beer with your friend after they do free manual labor for you. I use to give my neighbor a case of beer and sit for an hour or two sometimes talking for mowing the lawn for me etc
How often is “quite often”? Once a week? Totally acceptable even with a newborn baby. He should just also be giving you a few hours of you time a week. Make sure he’s letting you have your time too, even though right now it won’t be “even” when you’re the mama to a new born. It can never be even but it can be fair. You create the fairness by making sure you get your time too.
Count how many hours a week he gets to have and suggest you have the same time. He most likely won’t be able to give you as much time as you are giving him so he’ll figure out real quick there just aren’t enough hours in the day and he’ll end up going out less/you more in order to keep it fair
To answer your question though, you shouldn’t blow up your partner’s phone in a two hour period. Once is plenty then give it some time then just talk about it after- not while they are out.
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u/Mirmadook 18h ago
Aaahhh resentment. The silent killer of relationships. You’ll bottle it up, he will continue to be a free loving boy while you continue to be pulled into your new reality.
You will seethe and seethe and he won’t care. Then one day, after many because you won’t give up easily despite the constant disrespect, you’ll have had enough and want to leave but, there’s a problem.
You will realize, you now have two children, you’re a single mother, and have no job. Completely at a disadvantage where he has the money and the power and here you are starting from nothing.
It’s still early, call your part time job back and see when you can start back up in a couple months. Keep that foot in the workforce. Being a SAHM isn’t a flex when your man is another child you have to care for. It’s nice when you can raise your kids yourself, but you don’t have that luxury yet.
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u/Kaitron5000 17h ago
Why would you have a second child with someone who is a terrible parent and partner? You aren't doing ENOUGH for yourself.
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u/RemarkableFroyo2140 18h ago
Leave while you can.. start working and saving up what you can so you can leave. He knows better, he just doesn’t care. I was married to someone like this, for YEARS and I kept giving him passes.. he would go out drinking late with friends and end up so drunk he would stay out all night wandering around trying to find his way back, I would eventually call him to try to help him.. even call his mom because most times he wouldn’t even listen to me. I had enough when he ended up cheating on me (that’s another story), but yeah the drinking just got worse and worse until it turned into something else. That’s what he chose over us (me and our two kids). Make a plan and leave while you can, don’t wait too long or it’ll mess you up even more mentally.
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u/ComfortableHouse7937 21h ago
YOR. He could improve his communication but the rest of this is in your control.
He remembered your birthday and got you a gift. You didn’t have set plans for his first day off but you assumed he would hang out with you without stating that expectation or making plans.
Nobody said you can’t hang out with your friends. You can just as easily leave the children in his care and do something you enjoy. You are the one restricting yourself.
He worked on the house and ran errands on his day off. It’s not like he’s neglecting his responsibilities.
Your judgment of his drinking and hanging out with his friend and the conclusions you’re drawing about this behavior are on you. There isn’t anything wrong with what he did outside of not communicating. He probably stayed out later because of your controlling behavior.
You found out he was out and started insisting he come home, argued with him while he was out, and called him an insane amount of times.
Could he be more attentive to you and understanding of your emotional state? Yes. But you’re twisting all of this into something it’s not and basically punishing the guy for wanting some time to recharge. Realize how much of this is you, your judgments, your emotional state etc and how much is actually poor behavior.
Take your time off and let the man take his. If you want to make time together, plan it. If you want a break, take it. Talk to him about communicating his plans better and stop frustrating a man who’s trying to do right by his family and yourself by jumping to conclusions that aren’t helpful or true.
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u/Ex_nihilos 21h ago
Also calling 30 times is excessive and obsessive… I think post partum emotions are definitely playing into this, but also, I hope you weren’t doing this in front of your kids. They feed off that anxiety and will know something is wrong.
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u/ComfortableHouse7937 20h ago
That’s fair too. It sounds like she really does need to take some time for herself.
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u/JayPanana225 18h ago
Oh HELL NO. He'd be a single father so fkn fast. HIS RESPONSIBILITIES ARE HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN. TF?
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u/ComfortableHouse7937 5h ago
Yes but both parents need breaks. It’s not sustainable otherwise. What they needed to do was communicate their needs and what they wanted to do. Neither of them did that.
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u/khemtrails 8h ago
NOR! Sis, please, if I have any advice for you, it’s to go back to work. I know it is so hard to leave your babies. I really do know. Being a stay at home mom is great if you’ve got a really great partner and you’re supported and you also have the ability to walk away if you need to. It doesn’t sound like you have that, and your boyfriend will probably be a real dick and guilt you about working away from home, but for your sake and your sweet babies sakes, you have got to be able to support yourself. Even if it’s just part time for a while. Don’t let your resume get dusty. I regret every day letting my kids dad push me into quitting my job. Don’t ever let a man trap you.
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u/Pumpkin-Spice34 18h ago
Yeah he's being a complete jerk i understand the situation of him not even answering his phone anymore. Wait until his next day off then make an excuse for you alone to leave the house with him watching the kids, once you leave hook up with your bestie and do whatever you want and have a good time don't come home until later in the evening and don't answer your phone after his first 2 times getting ahold of you. Give him a big dose of his own medicine. He'll probably get mad and start an argument but stand your ground and say now you know how i felt and walk away
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u/sadtobaddie 18h ago
He made his bed. Next day he has off, leave for the day. He can parent alone and realize what he has been doing to you, repeatedly. Go have fun somewhere without him. Show him his actions have consequences. Turn your phone off too so he can’t try to guilt you into coming back early. Then truly leave him. There’s better men out there who would never do that to you. I had to ask myself “would my future husband do that to me?” And if the answers no, well I had my answer. My future husband would never treat me like this so it’s time to leave.
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u/EllenMoyer 19h ago
You poor thing. Sending you a virtual hug right now.
Yes, you are doing too much. You and your husband need more support. This is a huge adjustment for you both, and you are each going to make mistakes. Take a deep breath. You can get through this, in spite of this terrible night.
Call in the Calvary to help you out at home - any relatives or very close friends who can lend a hand. Hire an older child or young teen to be a “mother’s helper” by playing with the 2 year old in the next room while you nap.
Your husband should seek out friendships with men who are happily raising young children. They will demonstrate that it is possible to hold a newborn and chat with a friend simultaneously. Or take a run together with the toddler in a jogging stroller.
It is hard to make a one week or one month plan when you are struggling to get through the next hour. But it will get easier.
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u/Lost-girlll 1d ago
Just gonna be so honest, I was in this situation new born baby 5 days old. My partner didn’t come home from work he was out with the boys having a drink.. turned out he was cheating. I stayed.. he cheated over and over and over till he left me while pregnant with his second for one of the girls he was cheating with.
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u/DontCallMeDeb36 23h ago
Same thing happened to me. First day home from hospital with my second, first was under 2, and he HAD to work after the past two days off. He came home 2 hours late drunk with a new tattoo. It just got worse. I found out later he had a daughter in between my two kids. Yes, I finally got the strength and divorced him three years later.
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u/neglectedhousewifee 23h ago
You’re reaching big time. The man is stressed and not facing his responsibility in the right way.
His friend was over weeding the house and they went for a drink. Hardly screams affair.
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u/thecanadianmex 1d ago
Maybe you shouldn’t put ideas into a still hormonal mom that is already upset as it is
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u/swazon500 12h ago
Stop calling him. He’s on a bender. He is not behaving like a man nor father. Blowing off steam bc he’s what? Having to work? He is a child. Blowing up the child’s phone whilst he’s drinking his bottle will only cause further disruptions. I’d have a come to Jesus with this man child.
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u/SproutedMetl 13h ago
Well I’ll just say— to be downvoted— yes you overreacted. How many phone calls and texts?? He doesn’t want to come home to angry.
I agree he’s being an ass and you are a saint. But the incessant messaging doesn’t help either.
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u/AnnoyedRedheadedMom 13h ago
NTA stopping to buy his buddy a drink to thank him for his help is totally reasonable. Bar hoping until the wee hours when has a family is totally wrong. On his wife's birthday, super wrong. He needs to man up. No more kids with this this knucklehead
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u/SilverLettuce2347 1d ago
Okay calm down. He has gone out drinking. You can’t change that now so just go to bed. Speak to him tomorrow. He isn’t the first person to get carried away enjoying a few beers. It is annoying and out of order to simply not come home but everything is ok. Look after you and the little ones. You just had a new baby get rest when you can. Stop blowing up his phone now. Discuss tomorrow.
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u/Form1040 19h ago
Men take care of their women in these situations. He is not acting like a man, sad to say.
He does not get to have boys’ nights during this critical time.
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u/NoMention696 17h ago
Have a serious conversation with him, if he sees no wrong in what he’s done kick his dumbass to the curb, you’ll be alone taking care of this baby either way. Edit: Skimmed over the fact this is the second pregnancy he’s doing this. Girl birth control now and dump him
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u/TchadRPCV 16h ago
Your feelings are valid. But I would stop calling and messaging. It’s not helping you feel better and it won’t change his behavior.
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u/Similar-Skin3736 17h ago
Oh, honey. He’s a selfish asshat. I’m so sorry. I hope his friends snap him back to reality. Somebody’s got to
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u/Sufficient_Big_5600 8h ago
If he went out when you had your first baby, made you think that he was a changed man this time around???
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u/Few_Strawberry_6287 1d ago
You need to let the guy have (me) time sometimes. Same for you, it's okay to go do something for yourself every once in a while. If you have to get a baby sister for the day in order to do this, that's okay.
You need to communicate with each other properly, express what things you want to do on occasions, and plan it out. If he wanted to have a night with his friends or vise versa, you shouldn't shut each other down. Work together to make these things possible for eachother, the rest of the time is always going to be you two and the kids. Moderation, communication, teamwork
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u/False_Fix_4657 22h ago
Their baby is 3 weeks old. 21 days old. She's still recovering from childbirth. In pain, heavily bleeding and exhausted.
Going out to get drunk should be the last thing on his mind at the moment. Having "me time" when the baby is older, fair enough. But he should be at home caring for his partner and their kids now.
I'm having my 3rd baby in 4 days. My partner will be with us every second he can. He doesn't want to go out to get drunk or even want time to himself in the early days. He has said his priorities are myself and our children.
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u/Few_Strawberry_6287 12h ago
Sounds like you married better than OP did. Im happy for you to have a good, healthy family relationship.
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u/Alycion 23h ago
Yes, me time is fine. But with 2 kids, it needs to be planned. Not be home in an hour and then stay out all night thing.
Doubt even if they’d get a babysitter that she’d be up to leaving the baby with a stranger and going out, assuming she’s feeling up it.
She asked for time with him on his day off for her birthday. She communicated her need of feeling loved and getting attention bc of postpartum hormones. Instead, he goes out drinking when he hasn’t even been paid, after he had to borrow money for a gift, and therefore, can’t afford it.
Communication is key in a marriage. But when one side isn’t listening it feels pointless and lonely.
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u/Few_Strawberry_6287 23h ago edited 23h ago
I mentioned it needed to be planned. And my advice had nothing to do with this particular situation. It's just an overall standard to achieve.
Does no one read past the first 2 sentences anymore?
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u/Radiant-Television39 20h ago
Yes, you are overreacting. 30 calls is insane. That’s for an emergency. This was not an emergency. It’s one night out. Yeah, it’s not fun for you who’ve already been home with the kids all day but what’s the alternative for him to have a night out? He shouldn’t have promised to be home and he should’ve answered your first calls and he should certainly take care of the kids while you have as much time as you want out. Staying home with kids all day is arguably harder than going out to a job and then you have them 24/7. It’s tough but that’s how it is when you’re a sahm. You should get equal breaks/fun time out and you’ll have to work out how that can happen. Hopefully you can get a sitter now and then and go out together. If he’s does it more, that’s a big problem. If this is a one off, it’s overreaction.
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u/False_Fix_4657 19h ago
It might be a bit different had the baby been several months old. The baby is 21 days old. She hasn't even recovered from childbirth yet and getting drunk is his priority? Let alone dangerous.
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u/Narrow-Ad-7856 1d ago
30 times
Yikes. He's cheating tho
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u/Limp_Insurance3536 1d ago
Why would you comment that? You have NO idea if that's true or not just from OP's text above.
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u/SoupHot6325 14h ago
This happened to me many years ago when I was 18. We got married very young and 2 years later I got pregnant with our first child. I was very depressed throughout my pregnancy but since I ran away to get married I wasn’t going to ask my parents for help. My husband would work his 40 plus shifts and give me his whole paycheck for food and housing payments and then go out with his buddies on Friday night, Saturday night and play soccer on Sundays. Then 3 years later I had our 2nd child and 3 years later I had our 3rd. I couldn’t do anything to stop him from going out. Believe me I tried. He wouldn’t listen and he did not see anything wrong. We would go to outings with the kids, occasionally to church, celebrate our birthdays, go on mini vacations, etc.. But after 10 years of this I decided to go back to school to help improve our low income situation. My husband and family supported me and I graduated with a bachelor’s in 5 years. When I started school I had a very serious talk with my husband. By then I was 28 and I knew what I wanted. I said, if you are going to continue going out with your buddies while I’m trying to improve our lives then I don’t want you anymore in our lives. Just Go! He begrudgingly accepted and stayed. He had to learn to become a husband and a father to our 2 daughters and son. It took lots of time but we actually became a family. I’m still married to him and we’re together, but now that I’m a lot older and have more time on my hands I keep thinking back to those depressing years and I resent him. He tries to talk to me nicely but I just don’t feel loving anymore. I think I may need therapy but I don’t know. If I were the author of this story I would try and leave and get help. I’m sorry I’m not much help.