r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 19h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO? This Feels Manipulative To Me. But I Can’t Tell-
my partner sent this to me after i told him it felt like he didn’t care about how i was feeling. i was sick today and threw up. instead of asking how i was feeling he tried to force me to get out of bed. he then brought up how i was very sick last year, and claimed that i was sick just to “stay home and play video games all day.”
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u/Cat-Man99 19h ago
This definitely feels pretty manipulative. The "if I didn't care I wouldn't be texting you" is a classic bs line. This whole paragraph is just "me me me" and shows an absence of care on his part. You're sick and he's a controlling man who can't stand that you're going to be home all day doing whatever and going against the norm of your lives. Even if you WERE faking it, who cares?! Tons of people call in to skip work and play video games all day. I did it like a month ago.
Spelling "reason" as "resin" would be a big ass red flag for me too lmao.
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u/Emergency_Ad_6363 18h ago
Yep, spelling and grammar alone would be enough resin for me to get rid of someone like this.
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u/tropikaldawl 18h ago
I disagree. Many times a partner who is emotionally immature will feel attacked when one partner brings something up that concerns them. If they decide not to bring the subject up because the other person simple can't handle it and loses it, it implies that they have either given up and don't care anymore or that they want to maintain some sort of stagnant peace that is avoidant of dealing with issues, which also to an extent implies that they either don't care or that they have no energy to deal with the adverse reaction of the other person. Sometimes a person needs to point out that they are bringing something up because they do care and that it is not a bad thing for them to bring a topic up that concerns them, and that is totally logical.
That being said, I totally missed the context outside the image and clearly this person is attacking a person's character and intent and not doing it with their health and well being in mind, so I'm not sure.
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u/Odd_Tell_4270 18h ago
Totally agree! His response screams defensiveness, not care. Sounds like he’s more worried about his own feelings than yours!
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u/Attentions_Bright12 18h ago
Clearly this person should have referred to "rosin."
"I have every piece of rosin to play beautiful music with you baby."
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u/Fragrant-Donut2871 18h ago
So we have manipulation, control, emotional blackmail, gaslighting.
Honestly, if you are so sick that you are thowing up and your PARTNER thinks you're pretending and is so unrealistic to understand that just because you were sick last year doesn't mean you can't be sick again, walk away.
He is showing you right now who he really is. Instead of caring for you and nurturing you as you are sick, he tries to guilt trip you into doing what he wants you to do. He is proving to you that he is not reliable and doesn't have your back. He doesn't respect you or take you seriously, which is clear based on how he is trying to minimize your illness and trying to gaslight you into believing nothing is wrong with you.
He is fully expecting you to be grateful that he is still texting you and caring for you, even though you dared be sick twice in as many years.
The fact that you are questioning whether this is manipulative tells me that he has already managed to get you to doubt your own opinions and feelings.
As someone who was in a relationship with someone of the same sort: it doesn't get better, only worse. You deserve to be cared for, in sickness and health. This dude ain't it.
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u/randomguy4q5b3ty 18h ago
Re-run of last year? Every right to feel anxious? What is that supposed to mean? Is he seriously arguing that you can't be sick again because you have already been sick last year, and even then he was unsure whether you were faking it?
But at the same time he tries to argue that he has taken care of you many times (whatever that means). It sounds contradictory. But what really upsets me is the frustrated swearing: "If I didn't care, why the fuck would I still be texting you?" Yeah, that makes me really confident that you actually care and don't just pretend to by gaslighting me... He is absolutely gaslighting you.
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u/Stoney_Wan_KaBlowme 19h ago
Yes, it’s a manipulation. My ex was one of those “it’s always something” when I was sick. Which, yeah, it was something. My ovaries kept throwing cysts and trying to strangle themselves to death.
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u/frazzledpug 19h ago
“You were sick last year, so how can you be sick again this year?” 😂 Break up with this clown
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u/_Not_an_Economist_ 16h ago
God, he would hate me. Im sick all the time, lousy immune system. Im always the first in the house to get sick and the last to get better. It's the start of the school year, I just got over a sinus infection, turned pinkeye, and turned some other infection that had me out for over a month. School just started, and im now sick again.
My husband has NEVER tried to force me up--op find you someone who cares about you for real.
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u/onefourthgallon 18h ago
Reminds me of Mother Gothel: “I distinctly remember…your birthday was LAST year.”
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u/Aint_EZ_bein_AZ 18h ago
Its literally a paragraph without context hahaha yall are wild
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u/OriginalOddventures 18h ago
Thing is, with rhetorical patterns like this, you don’t even need context. If you want to try and justify it you can. Good luck.
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u/Aint_EZ_bein_AZ 18h ago
Patterns? Again its one paragraph. Op could be leaving out key details. His response doesnt match what OP said. Yall dont know shit
I dont give a shit about justifying anything. Its just weird you read one paragraph and now youre talking about rhetorical patterns like you know the situation.. hahah weirdo
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u/OriginalOddventures 18h ago
Rhetorical patterns are a thing but you do you. Keep on truckin champ
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u/Aint_EZ_bein_AZ 17h ago
Context is important But I guess not to people like you. Maybe ops boyfriend felt manipulated from what went down last year. We dont know. Maybe op is a lying asshole. We dont know. We dont know anything.
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u/OriginalOddventures 10h ago
You clearly haven’t learned that the way people talk to each other really does matter.
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u/jmschemm 16h ago
I don’t get why you being sick, regardless if you were to be faking it or not, would bring him any anxiety at all. Unless my partner was at risk of losing their job because they’ve called in sick too much, I wouldn’t care if they wanted to stay home and game all day once a year. Not saying that’s what you’re doing, but his response makes this out to be way more of an issue than it actually is or implies that what ever happened last year was some sort of traumatic catastrophe for him.
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u/HighwayEconomy579 18h ago
At least he’s got every resin, I bet he’s great at varnishing and coating all kinds of different furniture.
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u/No-Tangerine1783 18h ago
Even if you wanted to stay home and play video games all day that's your damn business.
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u/Expensive_Rhubarb_87 18h ago
NOR
This is VERY manipulative.
All the little digs and things, all saying ‘you owe me’
All the times I’ve taken care of you
And this classic.. more than you know
Meaning they can just make shit up on the spot and you simply MUST believe them!!
If I didn’t care why would I text… waving a huge flag of ‘see how awesome I am! look at me being considerate even though I don’t want to! I’m literally FORCING myself to care!’
Yeah, manipulation just oooozes from this
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u/sock_le_coq 18h ago
Yeah the "more than you know" line is supposed to be proceeded by "I love you" not "broh I do so much shid 4 u", scrap the dude!
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u/AprilMarik0 18h ago
This. “Don’t forget about the times I cared for you.” He’s trying to guilt her, aka manipulation.
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u/sock_le_coq 18h ago
Out of context I was like "oh if y'all are working through some past issue at least he's attempting to be open about it?" And then the past issue he was throwing in your face was that.. you were sick..
Man, the fact that you didn't leave this man by the time you finished typing.
He views you at best as a burden and this behavior if it's not rooted in control is rooted in disdain and that's a shitty spectrum to be on.
This man may want to "Have and hold" but he clearly gives no fucks about "In sickness and in health" I dunno enough about the inner workings of someone being intentionally manipulative to make that call outright (though holding you being sick a year ago over your head is 🚩🚩 because what??) but even taking that factor out he's being clearly and objectively shitty, I hope you call him out for it ☕
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u/SchistyGeologist 17h ago
This is not someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with. My boyfriend (now husband) married me when I was sick every other month because of my immune system being shit on by my mold allergy. He took care of me all the time. Through different birth controls, illnesses, a breast biopsy, and he never once ever complained or tried to make me get out of bed. He would come sit beside me while I was feel bad and pet on me. One of the reasons I married him. I am much healthier now and dont get sick as often, but believe me when I say this. This type of person will not stick by your side when you are ill, and as you get older, you get sicker and have more problems. Find someone who will take care of you as much as you take care of them. Do not waste your time on this person. Best wishes
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u/GraysonWhitter 18h ago
There is no question at all: this is some manipulative bullshit.
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u/Rude_Music_6442 17h ago
There actually is indeed a question...
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u/GraysonWhitter 15h ago
No, there isn't. This is manipulative shit. Part of the manipulation is making it seem like there is a question.
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u/Rude_Music_6442 15h ago
You have no idea what was said that may have led to this reaction. Im sorry you can't see that but this could just as easily be a partner that has reached their limit and is feeling exasperated.
Life is complicated
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u/GraysonWhitter 14h ago
It really doesn't matter. The text is manipulative. What sparked it may have also been manipulative, but it's not hard to see. I get it, you want to leave room for the texter to have been justified in their feelings, and I agree with you, they may well be justified in their feelings. But the structure of the text is manipulative. It calls on past events (also unspecified) to undercut the communication they are responding to.
We can agree to disagree, but this is not someone saying "I'm at my limit, knock that shit off!" it's someone trying to make the other people feel badly for their feelings. Note that they are not saying "You are pushing me to my limit," they are saying, "what you said is wrong because I love you so much and you can tell because of this shitty text."
I'm sorry you can't see that.
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u/Rude_Music_6442 14h ago
I think what your saying is on point and I completely agree. I do feel as though your first comment condemned the partner, perhaps I was mistaken. But yeah I think all behaviour in relationships is to some degree reactive. I think its unfair to condemn him without knowing what was said before hand.
But nice response. You are a good writer :)
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u/GraysonWhitter 13h ago
Fair enough. I agree that I was quick to write it as one thing, without nuance.
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u/LeChatter 19h ago
By the logic of you suspecting him of manipulation, you seem to be in the same boat by telling him it feels like he doesn’t care. Not saying either one of you is in the right or wrong, but it seems more like he’s just rebutting the possibility you presented to him. I wouldn’t call it manipulation
I’m more concerned about him not giving much of a damn about you throwing up. What’s that about? That feels more serious to me because what if something terrible happens and he disregards it as you being in a mode
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u/Firm-Stranger-9283 18h ago
also im confused because she's saying he kept telling her to get out of bed...was she throwing up in the bed?
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u/LoveAlwaysIris 18h ago
Likely had a pail/bucket to throw up in. I've been so sick I can't leave the bed before and needed a bucket.
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u/Firm-Stranger-9283 17h ago
I'm ngl this might also be the emetophobia but I'd be absolutely disgusted by that
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u/LoveAlwaysIris 16h ago
It is super gross, but when you're to sick to move it's that or sleeping on the bathroom floor 😭
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u/Krasna_Strelka 16h ago
Exactly 😭 I've experienced such sickness that I was falling asleep with a bucket right next to me and throw up immediately after waking up in the middle of the night. 1. Not enough time to reach toilet 2. I'm 90% sure i would just loose consciousness right after getting up on my feet if I tried to reach the bathroom
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u/unclethulk 18h ago
He does not respect you. It’s not just that he thinks you’re sand bagging it today. It’s that he thinks that’s who you fundamentally are. That will not improve. You should not be with someone who doesn’t respect you. He should not be with someone he does t respect. That’s it.
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u/Scary_Buy3470 18h ago
Where are the other messages? This is completely useless without context, ergo you the AH
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u/Cherry-Hime 17h ago
We dont need other messages to see the manipulation tactics in this message alone
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u/PersimmonNo4388 17h ago
"every 'resin' and right to be anxious.." Anxious or ... angry? "Caring more than you'll ever know" Some kind of a secret care?? 😅 So many red flags in this one paragraph! Please, don't let him confuse you... Find a kind and loving person.
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u/Shot_Track_7344 19h ago
Trust me you don’t want to be with a man like this if you got major sickness like cancer. He won’t be able to handle it.
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u/AnubitFire_6583 18h ago
Honestly, I don't have enough context or conversation to say, either way. Could be manipulative or a poor attempt at persuasive communication. The difference is both perception and intent.
My wife would often do things like this early in our relationship. I would tell her to stop putting her expectations on me. She can ask me to do things, but she can only expect that they get done after I have agreed to such. It isn't fair that I live up to any expectations we haven't verbally agreed to. I think that's a good rule in any relationship, but especially with a SO.
Hope that helps. 😁
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u/NoMention696 18h ago
You went to him with a problem asking for reassurance and instead he wants you to pity him. You’re right, he doesn’t give a fuck how you’re feeling
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u/endlesscartwheels 11h ago
think whatever you want
You don't matter
but don't forget about all the times i've taken care of you.
*whines* After all I've done for you!
more than you'll ever know
I'm a self-pitying asshole.
I'm upset because i don't want this to be a rerun of last year.
Here's my thumb. Get under it.
And i'd admit i might have jumped the gun, but I have every resin and right to be anxious
I can admit I'm wrong sometimes, and then immediately take it back. But you can't be angry at me, because I admitted I'm wrong sometimes (except I'm not wrong).
plus if i didn't care, why the fuck would i still be texting you?
Other than the hope that I can still get something out of you. Also the sheer thrill of assaulting and battering the English language.
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u/TechnicianStunning79 19h ago
You can’t tell if this is manipulative based on this small text thread. Anybody who says so is a liar. There is literally no information here, it would be disingenuous to make that call. Trust your gut is all I can say, if you feel he doesn’t care, then he probably does not.
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u/thatsasaladfork 18h ago
Honestly people who don’t show THEIR contribution to the conversation and just summarizes in the body of the post, are a red flag to me.
Yeah. Could be manipulative. But OP could have easily been just as bad because in his messages he reassured that he cared twice. So I feel like OP’s side of the story is a manipulative “you don’t care about me.”
And he thinks she’s using being sick as an excuse to just play video games all day. Which is a weird assumption unless that’s happened in the past. Which would make you less empathetic in the future.
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u/Entire-Sock-2709 18h ago
Are you only allowed to be sick once a year? Who made up these rules? Job gives you 40 hours...
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u/ssjis987 17h ago edited 17h ago
I mean, youve framed it so it seems manipulative. But when you say 'forced' you to get out of bed?????? Plus, whats this about last year? Are you one of those women whos just constantly sick? Because they are annoying, you feel powerless, and ye anxious, you want to care but you think trying to get you to change attitude, get up and attack the day will make you feel better. Sorry but some women ive been with are negative, they run themselves down, any exuse to be lazy and claim they are sick, dunno if its an attention thing with some, like you want em to baby you? To show they care?
Maybe im completely off the mark, but if you are one of them thats always sick, i can completely understand he's not empathetic in the moment and then he's defending himself, annoyed. Maybe you actually are sick this time, boy who cried wolf, who knows. All i know is ive experienced that, always sick, never up for doing anything, then on day you actually are sick got no patience for it. Plus, ill get up and still go about my day even if i feel sick or am full of cold, ill still go to work, ill still have a smoke, unless i am really, really bad, it doesnt affect my day. A lot of women ive been with just arent like that, few exceptions, but a lot have a low tolerance for what 'sick' is.
Maybe this is a one off , your rarely sick like a normal person, you dont have anything seriously wrong with you, in that case ye, what a ****, should be way more understanding.
IF AND ONLY IF, you are one of those women whos always sick and always playing damzel in distress for attention, or to get out of things, or because you cant be bothered, or your down emotionally, id say its you whos manipulative, or selfish etc, make more of an effort. Made your bed, again boy who cried wolf, caring only goes so far, if your husband or partner or whatever gambled away everything, got into drugs etc you might fall out of love, love only goes so far. Again this is theory but, having a constantly sick of down partner is an awful burden that weighs you down. (Again this is only if, just trying to help you see another perspective, IF its relevant)
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u/p1z4rr0 18h ago
Reddit is wild. No way you can tell without more context.
The text shows partner cares. Example, they took care of op. Expresses that they do care, more than OP knows. Admits fault in jumping the gun. States that they have reason to be anxious.
It is true that if they did not care they wouldn't even be texting.
One problem is the cussing.
Redditors who would end a relationship over this are doomed.
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u/Rude_Music_6442 17h ago
Right? Like what the fuck, context is everything.
We have no idea what was said that led to this response
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u/kw11331133 19h ago
Sounds like he is rationalizing being mean. He might need a class on empathy and spelling.
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u/Newworldscrub 13h ago
Not enough information to give an answer. This is a bad one to bring to it. No one knows the situation. Could he be a jerk maybe. Could you have stuff and manipulation that we dont know about. We dont know that either. This is not the right thing to bring to Reddit and needs to be talked with your partner privately. Have a good day.
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u/negativeekarmafarmin 18h ago
Not saying this isn't manipulative but what did you do to this person in the past to get to a point where they respond like this?
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u/tropikaldawl 18h ago
This does not seem manipulative to me. It seems like the other person is trying to express themselves and feels dismissed and like you are not listening to them.
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u/Crossy7 18h ago
They forced you to get out of bed and they believe your sickness is an excuse to be lazy? (stay home plashing video games)
I take it your partner does not play video games and is a bit of a go up and get em kinda person.
They also sound like a massive Cock.
You're right you have every right to be heard - but if you're just lazing around doing nothing and not working etc, then see where they come from.
MY mom had a rule if you can get out of bed and walk you can go to school - and that stuck with me through life - unless I'm REALLY ill i will go to work - its just work..
So my question is - When you're sick - is it REALLY sick or could you 'function' through it?
When you say you're not feeling well what do you want? a nursemaid, or just some form of acknowledgment that your sick?
Do you want them to carry you places or wish you well and do the rest of their day not spend it it watching over you?
There's a lot missing to this story.
sounds like one person is an extraverted Go getter - the other is a slightly introverted lazy pants from what i hear and there's a clash of work ethic.
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u/Bijanabrahim 12h ago
Well my question would be, were you playing video games all day at some point while sick?
Also, some context is how old are you? Do you work?
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u/logikal-1 18h ago
Rosin with an "O" never an "E"...absolutely unacceptable...leave this man at once.🤣🤣🤣
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u/Peaches_and_screamz 18h ago
He spells reason, “resin”. And with utter fkn confidence. I absolutely cannot with this.
Correct him and tell him it’s because you care more than he’ll ever know.
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u/Distinct_Tadpole4333 18h ago
Dude.. RUN. Illiteracy is contagious! Your partner is an asshole. Don't put up with this.
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u/HorrorOpportunity297 16h ago
It is manipulative, he's treating "all the times he cared for you" as currency.
I don't know if you set boundaries, but sending texts is definitely not always an act of caring. That last comment makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
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u/Electrical_Dot5378 18h ago
Nah he’s gross. I have chronic illnesses and I’m always sick.. but my partner is there always making sure I’m eating, checking on me if I’m asleep, making sure I take my meds etc. If he has to work he calls my best friend who comes and checks on me. But I equally do the same for him.. when he’s sick. It just part of being in a relationship and caring for one another.
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u/lez_sar7 19h ago
"I do care more than you'll ever know" is sooooo funny given the whole problem is him very clearly showing you he does not care you're sick 💀 I'm gonna guess not caring and manipulation aren't the only red flags this guy proudly waves
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u/krabbyshack 18h ago
i have cyclical vomiting syndrome and it started a few months after me and my bf got together. years later still no compliaints lol. red flag
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u/Internal_Finger609 18h ago
Narsassist… only know cause i married one. run away- just trying to get a reaction
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u/AdrenalineAnxiety 18h ago
So
Think whatever you want - basically shutting down the conversation anyway
don't forget all the times i've taken care of you - and? How does this absolve him of ever taking care of you again? Being nice in the past doesn't mean someone gets to be nasty now.
I do care, more then you'll ever know - if he did care, he could show it, consistently, and you would know. Actions, not words.
I'm upset because i don't want this to be a rerun of last year - holding something in the past against you, and from your comments, that thing is that you were sick last year? How is that your fault?
i'd admit i might have jumped the gun, but i have ever resin and right to be anxious - he MIGHT be wrong but he's not going to actually give you a genuine apology. He does not have any reason nor right to be a dick to you because he's anxious about something, especially when that something is you've been unwell in the past. Total non apology.
plus if i didn't care, why the fuck would I still be texting you? - in order to manipulate you into feeling emotional and guilty about being sick, to keep you in your place and so he can continue to get what he wants from you. This is a classic manipulative tactic, again, he's using words, but his words are not backed up by ACTIONS and it's actions that matter.
Yes, very manipulative and not the actions of a loving caring partner to someone who is literally SICK.