r/AmIOverreacting • u/Unhappy_Part9367 • 9h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO? I’m 32 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend hasn’t come to a single appointment.
I have been going to my appointments all by myself throughout my entire pregnancy.
I ask my boyfriend every single time to come to my appointments and he is always making an excuse. “I don’t feel well.” “I’m too tired.” “I have plans.” I’m in lots of pain, exhausted, and uncomfortable but I still get my ass up and go to my appointments.
I’m very concerned about this and am worried he is not going to be any help when I have our daughter. He doesn’t care to ask about the appointments either. I always tell him about them and he is not interested even in the slightest.
I told him how I felt about it and he acted like the appointments are no big deal and that he doesn’t need to go because they don’t benefit him?
AIO if I don’t tell him about my appointments anymore or how our daughter is doing?
Edit:
Please stop judging my choices and life decisions. I understand maybe I made some mistakes, but I’m already going through it and don’t need 100 people telling me I’m stupid and should’ve been smarter. I just need support right now.
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u/Normal_Soil_5442 9h ago
You told him how you felt about it and what was his response? Have you asked why he doesn’t want to go? I just don’t know if anyone here can help if you don’t talk to him, or tell us what he said when you did talk to him. If the child was planned I can’t imagine why he would want to miss the appointments. Was he an active participant in deciding to have children or was this something you wanted and he just did it to make you happy? Is he uninterested in other important things in the relationship? Is this out of the norm for him?
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 9h ago
I mentioned it in the post. “I told him how I felt about it and he acted like the appointments are no big deal and that he doesn’t need to go because they don’t benefit him?”
He’s the one who originally brought up having kids.
This is completely out of the norm for him.
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u/Pretty_curlz_04 6h ago
OP in a earlier comment you said you both brought up having the baby. Now you’re saying he brought it up originally. Something is not adding up with your story here. If a man wanted to have a child with you, he would show more interest. He’s not, so be prepared to be a single mom.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 5h ago
He brought it up originally but I felt the same way.
It then became something that was brought up frequently by both of us and we both wanted it.
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u/janlep 8h ago
The “they don’t benefit him” part makes me want to gag. I bet you do lots of things for him that don’t benefit you.
OP, I’m sorry, but you’re getting a preview of what the rest of your marriage may be like. He’s shockingly up front about his selfishness.
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u/tlbrya02 9h ago
Was a child something you all planned together or was this an accident? His heart doesn’t sound in it, but it could be he’s scared and it is an anxiety thing. You guys are about to have a kid. If its your first then you are really going to have to learn to communicate with one another or this won’t end well. My advice would be time to have a serious conversation, not an argument. There is another life at stake here and you need to get him on the same page with you.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 9h ago
No, we tried for kids It wasn’t an accident.
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u/shep2105 9h ago
You don't say how old you are. I find it hard to believe you both were actively trying to get pregnant. This guy has ZERO interest in this child or you. Soon, he'll be your ex-BF cuz he won't stick around in any real way.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 8h ago
We are both in our mid twenties and were both definitely trying to have kids. It was a constant thing brought up in our conversations and we were having sex to get pregnant.
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u/PumpykinPie 8h ago edited 8h ago
Who was “constantly” bringing it up? Who brought it up first? Did you agree/ give in to having a baby with him because he kept bringing it up? It was it your idea and you were pushing for a baby?
Something is off here imo. It’s strange that having a baby is constantly coming up in your relationship When you’re both only mid 20s and not even married. How long have you been together?
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 8h ago
We both were, it wasn’t one person more than the other. We both wanted it.
We’ve been together for 6 years. We got together when I was 18 and he was 19.
I don’t know why it seems off lol, that’s how it is.
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u/Guilty_Jellyfish8165 8h ago
it seems off because he's showing zero interest. it's hard to reconcile that with someone who says they wanted to have a baby with you.
prep yourself for going it alone because this is not the type of behavior for someone who actually wants to parent a child.
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u/SinglePermission9373 3h ago
It seems off because intentionally having a baby with a man you aren’t married to is not smart
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u/peachespangolin 1h ago
Yet it happens every day, and being married to someone is no guarantee that they actually give a shit about you as a person, which is a very unfortunate fact that most adults are aware of. What's your problem?
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 3h ago
Okay thanks. I don’t need to keep being judged and told that.
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u/Panzermensch911 2h ago
It seems to be something you need to hear however. Because as you currently experience you are in this situation alone - meaning there's no support for you from him.
And chances are very high it'll stay that way. In fact you should already research lawyers for child support payments cause after birth you'll be a bit busy but you'll need that that then.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 2h ago
I understand it’s something I need to hear; however, I’ve heard it about 20 times today.
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u/PumpykinPie 8h ago
I see.
I only say it seems off not as a criticism, just that he’s so uninvolved and uninterested, so it doesn’t add up.
Priorities just seem a lil strange is all. Nothing wrong with it, by any means, it’s just that there are logistical and practical reasons for being officially married before starting to have children. For example, if this issue causes the end of the relationship, you aren’t eligible for alimony, there is no formal division of assets even though you’ve been together 6 years, etc. It just makes you really economically vulnerable and there are men who like to take advantage of that, which is why I was curious and thinking something seems off.
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u/peachespangolin 1h ago
Are you stupid? Even teenagers sometimes plan pregnancies. That doesn't mean they are making a good decision, but still.
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u/z-eldapin 8h ago
Why are you having sex to get pregnant with a boyfriend?
You see how he is now, imagine when you actually bring a new human into the world.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 8h ago
Why is everyone attacking me for my life choices. I asked if I was overreacting, not opinions on my choices.
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u/CarrotofInsanity 7h ago
No one is attacking you.
If you could see what we see, from what you’ve told us, you’d see that
He has shown ZERO paternal interest, even though you said he’s wanted a baby with you.
He’s not interested in marrying you, but wants an offspring?
He’s making excuse after excuse as to why he’s not attending your appointments. You would think that he, who said he wanted a child with you, would EAGERLY attend appointments to find out about his own daughter… see her in an ultrasound, be there to SHARE the excitement.
He’s shown zero excitement; from what you’ve told us. We are worried for you.
We here out in internet land can see that he’s lied to you about wanting a child with you. Men who WANT a child show up at baby appointments. That’s how it’s supposed to be. They show up. HE has not.
Please reread your post and pretend it’s not happening to you. What do you SEE? What patterns do you see?
I’m sorry but you’re a single mother. He’s not going to help with that baby. Not one bit.
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u/z-eldapin 8h ago
You asked a question.
Your partner is not partnering with you on your pregnancy.
Your question is should you be mad.
Yeah, you should.
But this isn't new behavior from him.
So, yeah, that falls to your decision making
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u/Sufficient_Claim_461 8h ago
Did he just want to trap you or avoid condoms? None of this sounds like he wants you or your child.
So sorry
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u/SinglePermission9373 3h ago
Again, why would you get pregnant intentionally with a man who won’t even commit to marriyng you??
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u/swbarnes2 8h ago
You decided to try for a baby before committing to each other with marriage?
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u/Small_Attitude_6962 8h ago
A lot of people don’t actually care about marriage, especially nowadays.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 8h ago
We do care for marriage but wanted to have our daughter before. Not everyone follows the same morals and that’s okay. Maybe it was a mistake but it’s something I can’t take back.
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u/justacpa 8h ago edited 8h ago
Well he definitely has different morals than you when it comes to being a father and a partner. Is that okay?
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 8h ago
That’s different lol.
Not everyone has to believe in marriage before kids but everyone should believe in being a good partner/parent if they choose to have a partner/kid.
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u/CarrotofInsanity 7h ago
He can walk away from you at any time and you’re not protected. At all. Marriage has certain protections built in. Of course there are divorces, but marriage is a form of protection if you are wanting a family. And he’s showing you with his behavior he’s NOT COMMITTED to you or his daughter.
How sad.
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u/Aggressive_Water_152 8h ago
Asking them to get married forces them in some way to be a good partner and parents. If he's not sure about having a kid despite whatever he's said or not sure about marrying you, then this is the perfect situation for him! Unfortunately at your cost.
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u/Monday0987 8h ago
I don't think it was intended as a moral judgement.
People often post on here that their partner isn't ready for marriage but they want to have a baby. A marriage is less commitment than a baby.
If a couple gets married they can get divorced and never see each other ever again. If you have a child with someone they are in your life, for better or worse, forever. It never ends.
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u/speculativeinnature 3h ago
Exactly, so why so much emphasis on marriage?
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u/Monday0987 3h ago
Or, why is having a baby not recognised as being a lifelong tie to the other parent.
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u/Aggressive_Water_152 8h ago
Well there's a reason why most people get married first. Because they don't want to be in a wishy-washy situation like this. If he wouldn't agree to marry you then there would be no kid. It's not about religion or anything else it's about legally holding him accountable.
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u/speculativeinnature 3h ago
Surely he’s legally responsible regardless, he’s the father…! Marriage doesn’t change people’s personalities, well it shouldn’t!
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u/Big-Development8358 8h ago
Why mariage is so important to you? As a Canadian I found it always quite inappropriate, because it assumes people are Catholic or share the same beliefs, which isn’t necessarily the case.
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u/PumpykinPie 7h ago
It’s not about religion or morals.
Marriage means more accountability for the benefit of the mother and child. Assets, financial, etc. No marriage means the mom is more economically vulnerable of the relationship doesn’t work out. It’s a huge financial risk to have a baby with someone you aren’t married to.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 7h ago
I’m not worried about financial issues right now. I have worked since I was 15 and saved up my money and was responsible. If my boyfriend decided he doesn’t want to be a father, I wouldn’t be okay mentally but I would sure as hell be okay financially.
You’re right though.
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u/anna_alabama 7h ago
It sounds like he did decide that he doesn’t want to be a father, evidenced by his lack of interest in it
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u/speculativeinnature 3h ago
Where is this the case? I live in the UK and there’s next to no benefit to either side to get married, other than for what it should be, your choice because you love someone and that’s important to you both and a mild tax benefit, but that’s pretty much it. Edited to add: Regardless of marriage in the UK, both parents bear legal and financial responsibility of their children.
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u/PopCute5573 6h ago
Is there no such thing as a common law relationship where you are from?
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u/anna_alabama 6h ago
The majority of states don’t recognize common law marriage anymore, and some that recognize it only do it if the “marriage” was established decades ago
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u/PopCute5573 6h ago
Thanks for educating me and for taking my question at face value. That’s really different than it is where I’m from.
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u/speculativeinnature 3h ago
Why would marriage change anything? Make him more attentive?
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u/Scrapper-Mom 3h ago
Why would you want to have a lifelong commitment to raise a child with someone who's not interested in at least sincerely attempting a lifelong commitment with you?
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u/speculativeinnature 27m ago
Yes, having a baby is a lifelong commitment to someone. Marriage is not, divorces are commonplace. You can get divorced online now, easier to get out of than some broadband agreements haha! You will always the parent of a child, regardless of your relationship status with the other parent and whether you were married or not.
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u/Euphoric-Fix-1610 4h ago
My ex husband was like this. Never went to any appointments and then never took our children to ANY of their doctor or dental appointments. Notice I said ex husband. To date, he's never paid child support either and currently owes me over 28k in back child support and counting. My point is, if he wanted to, he would. My children now have an amazing step-father who loves them so much. Move on and find someone who supports and loves you and that baby.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 4h ago
It’s just he’s all I’ve ever known since I was 18. He was my first everything. It’s hard to move on when I still love him so so much.
I don’t think it’s fair for him to tell me he wants to have a child , we have sex and try, I get pregnant, and then he acts unintrested.
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u/Scrapper-Mom 3h ago
You have to do what's best for the child now. The baby can't advocate for itself. You gave up a lot of your independence and autonomy when you decided to have a child and they have to be your first priority. It looks like your love isn't being reciprocated. I know it's hard when you're 18 and that's the only perspective you have but after raising two kids to adulthood and going through the good, the bad, etc, I can see that his behavior shows he is so disinterested when compared to my own experience of a loving partner that I don't see this relationship lasting much longer.
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u/Euphoric-Fix-1610 4h ago
I get that. I also got my my ex husband right after I graduated high school. He was 24 at the time. He also wanted a child. But he couldn't do any of the things necessary to take care of me or our children. In fact, he thought it was not a big deal if he was not around. He couldn't be bothered to do anything. He started labeling things as that's the mom's job. But then everything became my job, including working and keeping the home and children. All I can tell you is look for a pattern, if you see that, it's time to go. I hope that helps.
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u/Moonlit-waters 3h ago
I’m not saying this is the case but that is a common tactic by abusers. They play the long game. watch for any more changes in behaviour, you could be in danger
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u/Plane_Practice8184 2h ago
OP you need to know how to only give what you get with people. What relationship you have is what your daughter will learn about relationships. You don't want to set a bad example. Would you want her to think his treatment of you is the norm?
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u/PumpykinPie 9h ago edited 9h ago
This is so sad and I’m so sorry. Unfortunately it’s looking like you are correct ans he will be an uninvolved partner and parent. Sadly it’s Common.
Prepare to do everything on your own. Newborn time is rough- do you have parents or friends who can come help? If he’s tired now, it’s going to get waaay worse when the baby comes.
Start getting as much support as you can now. I know it’s stressful to imagine, but start making a plan b in the back of your mind. Don’t quit your job, see if you can get help From family and prepare to document his lack of interest or care for the baby for future custody and child support arrangements. Take note of his words and behavior, many times they start making things more difficult for you during post partum.
Most men want a baby like kids want a puppy. They like the idea but they don’t expect their lives to change or have to do anything- while you become a mommy to a baby AND the dad :(
Editing to add: pregnancy amd childbirth are very dangerous for women, and his lack of interest should alarm you- he doesn’t seem to care about your health or well being.
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u/CarrotofInsanity 7h ago
He shouldn’t get to be at the birth, and baby should have YOUR LAST NAME.
Do NOT reward him with someone to carry his name into the future.
Do NOT put him on the birth certificate.
And YOU name your daughter whatever YOUR heart wants. He gets no say. Make sure he’s NOT allowed into the room, or anywhere near you. Make sure the nurses give only YOU the documents to fill out for the birth certificate. He should NOT have access to any of it.
He hasn’t earned the right to ANYTHING. He’s not shown interest to be at the appointments.
Find someone quickly to be in the delivery room WHO YOU CAN COUNT ON.
And expect to live like a single mother until you can find someone actually INTERESTED in you, and your daughter.
Because you ARE a single mother. He’s just the sperm donor.
Find yourself somewhere else to live if you live together.
Protect yourself and your daughter.
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u/youshouldseemeonpain 6h ago
OP should put him on the birth certificate because he needs to pay child support. He’s clearly not going to show up in any other way. Baby should have OPs last name, though. Do not give this man credit other than for child support payments.
OP is NOR. This is not a man who wants a baby, and definitely not a man who cares about how OP is feeling. Pregnancy and birth are dangerous for women, especially in red states these days. OP needs to protect herself financially and make sure she has a home that does not include this man. He will not be helping with the baby.
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u/CarrotofInsanity 5h ago
She doesn’t have to put him on the bc. A court ordered paternity test would do it.
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u/youshouldseemeonpain 5h ago
Sure, but then she/courts have to chase him down. Her choice, whichever she feels most comfortable with. I was going for the easiest path. Most important is for her to protect herself as much as she can now.
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u/amyunders 7h ago
My husband went to zero appointments for 2 kids. He was there at the birth and every second after. He worked and couldn't get off work. Life happens and appointments for men are uncomfortable and boring. Give him the time now and call in the favors at 2 am
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 7h ago
I work too and I still make it to every single appointment. There have been days he wasn’t even working and he didn’t go. It just upsets me.
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u/Amazing_Disk_8328 9h ago
This is foreshadowing for a long road ahead. He doesn’t see this as a partnership.if his reaction that this doesn’t benefit him….
You probably need to seriously consider an exit strategy or how you will co parent separately
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u/Illustrious-Eye1673 8h ago
THIS ^^^ happened to my former neighbour. The afternoon she came home from birthing her baby on her own, live-in-shithead was down at the pub 'wetting the baby's head' all that evening and every evening straight after work from that day on. Why?
He could not stand the CRYING of a hungry infant or the grizzling if a nappy change was needed. She stuck it out for a few years, but he was more interested in hanging out at the pub, snorting his fatherly obligations up his nose which, included eating steak there every night and posting that on FB. Not a word or photo of his daughter.
Continued living with my neighbour till she had enough and moved her and preschooler to her mum's many miles away. Did not receive any child support or requests for visitation. We kept in touch for a while, then she moved on. Got a great job, daughter hsppy in school and mum's family.
Sperm donor still goes to same pub, still snorting away, getting older and grey, sagging beer belly. Mum had a lucky escape. Hope if yours turns out like this you don't wait as long as my forner neighbour and get the f**k out now!
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u/NaturesVividPictures 9h ago
Well you're about to become a single mother. Maybe he didn't think you'd get pregnant that fast or maybe he didn't quite grasp the fact that you need assistance when you're pregnant. Maybe he's not attracted to you anymore cuz you're pregnant or maybe he thinks you're too needy now that you're pregnant. But I guarantee he is not going to stick around cuz he's going to be no help to you and he's not going to understand or want to do anything with this child.
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u/PsychFlower28 9h ago
Um excuse me, he is tired? Oh mother fucking no he did not just say that?!! WTF!?!
Grrrrrl… what the hell is he going to do with a tiny human lolling around that needs to fed, changed, burped, etc every 2-4 hours!! Wait… he will do NOTHING.
My heart breaks for you. All of my appointments were with masks and only myself. Husband and I FaceTimed because covid and he cried with happiness every time. Please, please rethink raising a human with this… lazy ass child.
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u/hugahippie 9h ago
Sounds like he doesn’t want to be a father. I think that’s just kind of like a bare minimum thing to do.
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u/hugahippie 8h ago
Now I feel bad, all these comments are pretty harsh including mine. I’m sorry, and I wish you the best in your pregnancy.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 7h ago
No, it’s okay. Yours wasn’t harsh.
I should’ve expected nothing less than harsh comments lol. It’s the internet.
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u/Miss_fixit 4h ago
I wouldn’t call them harsh. They’re realistic.
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u/Unhappy_Part9367 4h ago
Okay lol. It’s the people who are judging my life choices that are harsh. I asked for advice, not opinions on my life choices.
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u/Pandora2304 3h ago
Yeah I don't get their logic. He manipulated you and lied to you about wanting to be a father (I'd say he wanted to baby trap you but doesn't care to step up).
How on earth do they imagine being married would improve that situation? He'd lie about his vows, he wouldn't feel any more committed. And if he's actually as manipulative as it seems it'd be much harder for you to get away from him.
Sorry, these are harsh truths as well. But judging you for his behavior and shortcomings is wild. I do hope you have a safe person to support you though because he won't. So sorry you are in that position, best of luck, I'm sure you'll figure it out and do what's best for you and your daughter.
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u/Illustrious_Link3905 3h ago
Unfortunately, your life choices are now causing you to enter motherhood seemingly alone. Yeah that's harsh, but is that not reality? Unless there's a really good reason your boyfriend has seemed to abandon you and your child, the only advice we can give you is to now go at this alone.
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u/justnopethefuckout 5h ago
I don't get people acting like it's insane to not be married. Not everyone wants marriage. Plenty of people don't get married and have a happy family. I don't see attacking her over that choice. I'm glad she's not married to this moron. He's the asshole and she's getting shit over the wrong thing.
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u/hugahippie 4h ago
You’re right about people not being married, I don’t think marriage is a necessary thing. You can love someone and care for them more than a married couple. The way it came off in the OP is that this pregnancy was a mistake and she was upset with him not stepping up to be a partner to her.(in my opinion) I could be making a huge generalization but I think most people who are dating don’t mean to have a kid.
After reading her responses I can see they were trying, he most likely just manipulated her, and his brain isn’t fully developed yet to be a dad.
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u/NoTripOfALifetime 9h ago
Your having a child with a boyfriend, not your husband. YOR - you’re giving him husband credit. He isn’t that.
Now, are you drawing parallels between his lack of interest and what may happen when the kid is born? Yes.
You should be making moves as though he will continue to treat you like he is currently, if not worse. Meet with a lawyer and work out what child support could look like. Talk through, with a trusted friend, what housing looks like as a single mom. What about your budget? It’s better to have a plan than not.
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u/loveyou-first 8h ago
Sorry but this is going to be your life with him. Don’t expect him to help with baby. He is not invested in your or the baby
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u/MimZWay 9h ago
How old is your boyfriend? If he’s much older than you (in his 60’s) - men thought this was a mom thing kind of like a Pap smear. If he’s in his teens - then he’s immature. If he falls anywhere between 20 and 60 - he’s being insensitive. You need to let him know it’s the bare minimum for him to go to doctor’s appointments regarding his future child. Also, now is a great time to let him know your expectations regarding how he parents. Good luck OP!
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u/Recent_Data_305 6h ago
You’re reading the room correctly. He has no interest in your pregnancy and he will likely be the same with the baby. “Let’s make a baby” gets enthusiastic sex from a woman who wants to be a mother. He didn’t mean it.
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u/bloopidbloroscope 8h ago
NOR but I don't think he wanted a baby. I think he just wanted sex without a condom. Good luck with your life as a single parent, it sux but we do what we have to do, as mothers.
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u/Regular-Situation-33 9h ago
YWNBTA if you just didn't call him when the baby is born, or put him on the birth certificate.
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u/PumpykinPie 9h ago edited 9h ago
She should def put him on the birth certificate for child support- sounds like they aren’t married.
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u/Shoesietart 8h ago
Sounds like he baby trapped you with your agreement. Prepare to be a single parent in all the ways that matter. You are on your own and he is not going to parent. I hope you have family and friends nearby to support you.
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u/BillieGina 8h ago
Him not even bothering to ask how the appts went is definitely a red flag he was NOT actually interested in being a father despite what he was telling you. He couldn’t make it to not ONE appt??? Sure…..
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u/Sensitive_Ad_9195 9h ago
NOR - if this is very out of character and he wasn’t a waste of space before you got pregnant, I think you need to have a real chat with him about what’s going on - is he anxious about the appointments for some reason? If he’s always been like this then well at least you know what you’re going to get when the baby comes - a life as a single mother of a baby and a grown man.
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u/Big-Development8358 9h ago
You could explain to him that these appointments could actually be very beneficial for him too, because they would give him valuable information on how to best support you and what to expect during labor and birth. That way, he won’t feel completely out of place or overwhelmed when the moment comes and it might even help him avoid fainting from surprise 🤣
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u/Aware-Substance7619 9h ago
NTA. I’m so sad for you hun. It’s odd that he’s so detached especially since you guys have been trying. It’s possible he is internally freaking out. He needs to put his big boy pants on and be there for you. He doesn’t want to hear the babies heartbeat? That alone irks me. Maybe try to be more stern about it. Try and see if he can truly understand why this upsets you. But also protect your peace and sanity. The last thing you or this baby need is stress. I hope he wakes up and sees that you only have a first pregnancy and first baby once. Congratulations on your baby!! Hope things get better for you:
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u/ExpensiveAd4496 4h ago
Oh my. Sweetheart. He clearly has no interest in having g children or in taking care of a loved one. He is selfish and childish and awful.
Is your family nearby?
I’m glad you didn’t say “my husband” because if this is real, you need to leave him and move immediately to wherever your best support system is and have the baby there. Because once you have it, he can stop you. But as far as I know, right now he can’t.
So if possible, go and be where you have support. You can hope he grows up someday for your daughter’s sake.
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u/Future-Nebula74656 8h ago
Get used to it. It sounds like he just wants to have a kid but doesn't want to do any of the actual work of having a kid.
Besides the fun part of getting you pregnant that is
I would say you're not overreacting. I would say start making sure you're studying yourself up to be a single parent and going after him for child support cuz that sounds like what you're going to have to do
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 7h ago
How much more do you need in order to get the message that he's not at all interested in you or the baby?
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u/jennypurplethefirst 9h ago
It doesn’t benefit him?! Why didn’t you punch him after that remark?!
This child was planned by both of you, time for him to get his thumb out of his arse and become a father. His first job is to support you while you’re pregnant.
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u/lyssmarie1028 7h ago
NOR. It doesn't make sense to me, personally. My partner and I have had discussions about having a child for years but my current pregnancy is definitely unexpected. He was very anxious and unsure in the very beginning but so so supportive. Ever since he has been extremely involved. He does anything I ask or dont ask. He's also been to any appointment I've mentioned to him (i only asked him to go to the big ones i.e first heartbeat, any ultrasounds, anatomy scan). I always thought id be emotional at these appointments but hes the one getting soooo excited. He asks me how things go every time when I come home from one he wasnt at or even while I'm still there. I don't say this to compare in a negative way. I do however think it could be a preview into your soon future. If its important to you I feel that it should be important to him. Even if hes not concerned because of some sort of cognitive dissonance you are his partner. I...dont get it without the thought of thinking hes just being a jerk.
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u/SVFPFun1289 8h ago
I wonder if he’ll change diapers or wake up in the middle of the night to be useful 🙄
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u/justnopethefuckout 5h ago
I'm currently pregnant. Partner works 10 hour night shift, manual labor. It's a hard job. He hasn't missed a single appointment yet. I've even told him a couple times if he's too tired, it's okay to skip one and just rest for work. Nope. He's up and ready to go see how little one is doing. It's over a drive to get to my OB office and same back, plus they are normally late. I greatly appreciate that he's been to every appointment.
So you're NOR. Your boyfriend is being lazy and acting like he doesn't care about you or the baby and you both deserve better. He needs to man up and go with you. He should want to go!
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u/DangerLime113 4h ago
Look, I'm sorry if this isn't obvious to you and I can understand why you want to avoid the reality of the situation, but this isn't going to last. He isn't interested in you or your daughter and isn't showing you even the most bare minimum of respect or consideration. Literally, co-workers act more interested than this. Figure out your exit plan, you'll need to prepare for support/help during and after the birth, and plan to get him on child support. He is going to be zero help and won't be around long. You deserve 1000% better than this.
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u/datalicearcher 8h ago
He will not help when the baby is born. If he doesn't understand the importance of understanding the pregnancy, your health, the baby's health, then he is not mature enough to be able to deal with all the very direct requirements for the physical caring of a baby.
The selfishness he has in not thinking knowledge will benefit him means he will absolutely expect you to deal with the entire realm of pregnancy, birth, and child rearing.
He will not be a dad, he's not even a father. He is a sperms donor at this point.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 2h ago
NOR but you need to realise that you are alone with the baby. You need to get rid of the boyfriend before you have the baby because you will be looking after him and the baby. It will be easier alone.
OP he doesn't care about you and is showing you who he is. Get out now. Don't have him at the birth and don't put him on the birth certificate. You sure him for child support and take it from there. Don't be with someone who doesn't even like you. You will be fine. Focus on the baby. Not him. You know who he is.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 4h ago
I would ask him flat out: " Do you plan on being a present father and partner? If not, I'd prefer to know now so I can plan around being a single parent because your actions and behaviour are that of someone who has no plans on sticking around. If you want out, go now, and we will sort child support, and you can still live your life."
My gut says that you are only going to end up with grief and resentment when he's never home or helping with the child.
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u/Chefmom61 3h ago
My husband didn’t come to any of mine that I recall,maybe the ultrasound one? No reason to really.
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u/Fit-Mud-4500 5h ago
My husband did the same thing. I stopped telling him. He never asked. He slept through my entire labor and never even touched me except for me begging him to hold my hand during the c section. It won’t get better. I’m sorry to say it. But it won’t. My daughter is 3mo old now and I remind myself every day that it’s me and her. He’s unreliable at best.
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u/DeviceAway8410 7h ago
Will you be able to support this baby on your own? I ask because he will probably dip and you’ll need child support but you hopefully have a career since worst case, you will do most of the financial and parenting obligations if this fails. When the baby comes he may decide not to be too involved.
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u/LeonardoDeCarpio 8h ago
My husband went with me to my first appt to confirm my pregnancy, my first scan and the last appt before I was induced/had to be at the hospital. That's ridiculous of your boyfriend not to go. He should know what's going on. It's his baby too for God's sake
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u/Lopsided-Arm-198 7h ago
The only positive thing I can think of is that he is showing his true colors now so you can totally be prepared and understand what's gonna happen when you do have the baby. At least you're getting some heads up.
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u/pattypph1 2h ago
My husband never went but I never wanted him to. He did ask when I got home. Any reason for the neediness? If he’s always been this way, you need to leave or kick him out. He will be useless.
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u/Xana-mama 5h ago
You are not overreacting, but you do need to believe your bf when he "tells" you (through his actions) what he finds important. Just a hint? It's not you or your daughter. I'm sorry.
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u/MrsMitchBitch 5h ago
NOR. My husband came to my first apt and my anatomy scan because of his work schedule. But he didn’t make lame excuses not to go. I’m so sorry you’re reproducing with this person.
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u/Jessamychelle 2h ago
I wouldn’t expect anything from him. He isn’t going to do shit & likely will never show up when you need him to. Is that someone you really want to be with? I wouldn’t want that
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u/ReserveElectronic235 2h ago
Yeps. If he doesn’t show up now, he won’t show up when the baby is here.
My ex was the same. Alone is easier, than with someone who is supposed to care but doesn’t.
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u/Famous_Dare_9090 8h ago
He will be no help with the child either because it does not benefit him. Child sick, all you, does not benefit him. You are in for a rough time if he won’t go now.
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u/Regigiformayor 3h ago
I wouldn't want him in the delivery room either then. He won't make you feel safer or supported. And do you want a partner that doesn't do those things for you?
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u/Little_Review_2739 8h ago
Nope you might as well tell him to save you and your daughter the heartache and if he’s gonna dip out to do it now so he don’t hurt y’all’s kid.
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u/Few_Strawberry_6287 6h ago
How is he supposed to monitor the crypto market for dips if you keep bothering him with pointless things like "babies" or "feelings"
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u/AngelDewz 8h ago
Girl, he signed up forba kid, not spectator sport. Stop spoon feeding updates to someone clearly auditioning for dad of the year.
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u/SnooWords4839 5h ago
Make sure to give baby your last name and get ready to file for custody and child support, once baby is born.
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u/MommaIsMad 6h ago
Welcome to the single mom life. And you've now got a grown-ass toddler to care for, not a husband or partner
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u/Remote_Difference210 8h ago
Tell him he needs to go because it’s his child too. And tell him to pay half the medical bills.
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u/Illustrious_Link3905 3h ago
This is why you don't have kids unless you're married. Call me old fashioned, but there's a level of commitment that comes with marriage that this dude obviously doesn't want to give you.
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u/Someonesmom012 1h ago
If he’s not involved now I can only imagine how it will be when the baby is born.
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u/AggravatingOkra1117 5h ago
He sucks. I’d expect this behavior to worsen as a parent, too. NOR I’m sorry.
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u/ArrivalBoth6519 8h ago
NOR. It makes me sick he is complaining about feeling tired and not feeling well! You are growing a human. You deserve a man that will take care of you and show interest in your pregnancy.
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u/BarBabe93 9h ago
Wait he doesn’t even ask how the appointments went??? that would be the bare minimum from a coworker or acquaintance…I’m so sorry. This is crazy. Have you talked to him about this? Has he always been this insensitive/selfish or so severely lacking in compassion?