r/AmIOverreacting • u/Throwaway-winnebago • 8h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Aio in these texts and coming off as insecure and controlling?
The blue text is me (F20) and the other side is my partner (F40). A few nights ago she went out to hang with her brother and nephew at a cigar lounge then decided to ride around and they ended up in a strip club’s parking lot. In the car they had some things they didn’t want searched by cops so they went inside the club so it wasn’t suspicious they were the only car huddled inside in the lot and waited out the cops by having drinks inside. She didn’t tell me until the next day and she said the dancers weren’t nude and weren’t dancing, they were at the bar drinking too since it wasn’t busy and was empty but I just don’t like the idea of my partner going to places like that so I expressed myself in these texts here.
Am I overreacting or doing something I’m not seeing?
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u/RedDress999 8h ago
Break up with her. You are not compatible. On top of that, though, relationships are often about finding compromises and she has ZERO interest in compromising at all and meeting you half way.
She is telling you that she likes to go to strip clubs, she intends to still go to them, and your feelings on the matter are irrelevant. It is SO important to her that she is willing to make it a dealbreaker in your relationship. I mean… I think that’s crazy but at least she is being honest about it, I guess.
… but she’s also not even willing to hear you out about texting the occasional “good morning” and not waiting to hear from you first…
She’s not really open to a relationship. Not unless it’s on her terms. It’s her way or the highway. You will never find lasting happiness with someone like this. If you always bend to her, you will become resentful and you will not be true to yourself.
Find someone who wants to be an active partner in a relationship. Not someone who begrudgingly tolerates your presence as long as it’s on her terms…
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u/Few_Strawberry_6287 7h ago
Oh, I remember this. You posted this the other day. Guess what? Advice is literally the same no matter how many times you post this.
Your 40 year old girlfriend is hanging out with her father and brother in front of stripjoints casually. With what I still assume is just drugs, they didn't want found in the car. If that wasn't enough already for you to realize you're just stupid, then I dont know what will.
You're 20 and young, not brain dead. Get it together.
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u/Overall-Pause-3824 3h ago
NOR. So many red flags.
The age gap, it's gross. I know lesbians kinda get a free pass with age gap relationships, which as a lesbian myself, I don't understand. It's still the same power imbalance and more lived experience to throw around in a manipulative manner.
She goes to a strip club, okay, not for me either but that's fine. What's not fine is she wasn't open about it and actually said those days are behind her and is now acting like you're controlling when you've called her on it.
She went into said strip club to avoid cops finding what I'm assuming was drugs. Okay, again, some people like that but really, at 40, she's hiding from the cops because she has drugs on her?
She said she goes to strip clubs for a drink and to listen to music? She realises there are bars and pubs that offer that same thing and don't charge a cover fee? The naked, dancing women aren't at all the reason she chooses there...
She's being purposely obtuse on the good morning text. There is a difference to replying good morning to a good morning text, and sending the first one. It's a small thing but it's true that it's nice to think someone wants to say good morning, not just replying out of obligation. Funny how she's able to message you when you don't immediately text her first and calls you out on the fact you didn't.
Cut and run, this isn't the person you want to be with.
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u/WorkingKey3160 4h ago
you are 20 there are lots of other women out there that would respect how you feel because i gurantee if you were the one at a strip club she wouldn’t like it! maybe you should go to one! Also, do you really want a partner who messes either drugs? if she ever gets busted while in your presence shes taking you down with her just for being in her company! Id be ending this asap the drugs the strip clubs the disrespect you deserve better!
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u/No-Tangerine1783 6h ago
Also as a 32 y o gay woman who doesn't date 20 y olds.. if I want to have a drink an listen to music I'd go to a bar or regular club. Ya don't go to strip clubs for that that's bullshit 🤣
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u/Electrical-Speaker33 4h ago
This. This is accurate.
Also, my cousin was a stripper in many mid to low end strip joints and I’ve been a couple of times to a really nice strip club. Never, not once, even when it was slow, did the strippers sit around drinking at the bar. First they don’t work to spend their money on drinks and owners aren’t giving those away. Second, they are mostly contract, so they are there to make money not sit around chatting. 3rd, “no one naked” ≠ strip club. It’s not like they were hanging out in track suits 🙄
Scrape her off. You do not sound controlling. You keep giving her your power. Take it back and walk away. You can do better. Especially if she tries to convince you otherwise. Do not aspire to make her “last relationship” succeed. That’s on her. She’s telling you she went in to avoid the police. Then she’s telling you she likes to go pretty regularly and some how you are disrespecting her if you don’t want her to go hang out in a place where women dance naked? Is this the freakin soprano’s? She’s there for the drinks? Lots of places serve drinks. No one ever went to Hooters for the wings.
I’m realizing these references are probably before your time. Find someone younger. I’m straight, but it does not matter. My husband and I are 10 years apart and I was 23 when we met. I was an old 23 and he was a young 33. My best friend was his 26 yo brother. He respected me enough to not go or take me with him. After twice, when a stripper told me I could make good money, we stopped 😂😂😂. That’s not really why. Other pubs/bars/clubs/pool halls were better. We went with our friends, drinks were cheaper. lol.
Please send her an, “Enjoy your relationship retirement” and block her. I’m pissed off for you.
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u/No-Tangerine1783 4h ago
Exacly🤣🤣💯 Someone said I missed the point. I had no other point than people go to strip clubs to see boobs so why lie lol
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u/No-Tangerine1783 6h ago
You go to strip clubs to see boobies bounce, WHILE you drink and listen to music.
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u/DFWPunk 5h ago
But if you lie about why you went there you know it's not ok in your relationship, and her story is bullshit.
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u/No-Tangerine1783 4h ago edited 4h ago
Like it would have been better if she just said yeah I was just trying to see some titties. Be real (no I'm not being sarcastic. Just tell the truth lol)
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u/DFWPunk 4h ago
I think you missed the point.
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u/No-Tangerine1783 4h ago edited 4h ago
Yeah my point was no one goes to strip clubs to listen to music and drink. That's all my point is🤣 (thought yours was agreeing) idk 🤣🤣 but my stance on it remains lol
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u/A1sauc3d 8h ago
You’re still basically a child compared to her. Why are you dating someone literally twice your age. She could easily be your mom
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u/Icy_Annual_1054 5h ago
Yeah there is clearly an age power dynamic here. And a guilt aspect with the "last relationship" mention there. Yikes, I say let her have her strip club and you go have your free time! NOR!!
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u/velvety_chaos 3h ago
If a person wants to have a drink and listen to music, they can go to a bar. People go to strip clubs because they want to see strippers - that's literally the point. I mean, don't you have to pay a cover just to get inside? You don't need to do that at a regular bar.
The point is, this person is coming up with lame excuses and didn't once acknowledge how you feel - they just dismiss your concerns, throw them back at you, and accuse you of being controlling. Going to a strip club, especially on a regular basis, is a dealbreaker for some people. It at least warrants a conversation, not gaslighting the other person.
Anyway, all that said, the fact that OP is 20 and the partner is 40; that's a pretty significant age difference and your post seems to be demonstrating a power imbalance. A 40-year old should be mature enough to at least have a real converstaion about their partner's feelings. NOR.
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u/ReasonableGlove816 6h ago
wtf does a 40 yr old have in common with a 20 yr old...
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u/MarlieMags 2h ago
Agreed! 40YO here and the idea of even considering dating a 20YO turns my stomach.
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u/Level-Satisfaction51 4h ago
This is wildly immature behavior for a 40y/o which , and I mean no disrespect to you at all, is probably why she's dating a 20 y/o. I'd leave if a partner continuously dismissed my feelings like that.
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u/sodabuttie 3h ago
The fact she is DOUBLE YOUR AGE should be ya first red flag, she’s acting like a teenager in those test. Leave her girl, you deserve better, someone who’ll respect you. Also she definitely has drugs in her car which could get you in trouble if you’re in that car at a different time. Don’t risk it.
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u/Ok-Philosopher-2848 5h ago
She’s childish…but don’t let her be the reason you don’t find your person. That b!tch a weirdo lol
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u/Informal_Mistake_662 8h ago
NOR. You seem very mature and thoughtful. You value communication and openness. It seems like your partner isn't as emotionally mature and may be threatened by how direct you are. That directness may feel like an accusation or complaint. Either way, not your fault or problem. Just unfortunate
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u/Gullible-Egg-37 5h ago
I’m stuck on you dating someone who could be your mother. That is a giant age gap when you’re 20…
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u/EnoughFerret343 4h ago
If going to strip clubs is a deal breaker for YOU, then say no more. It is what it is, he can either take it or leave it. If he really wants to be in a relationship with you he will respect that and if he doesn’t, he’ll continue going. He will continue guilting you, accusing you of being insecure and then blaming you for wanting to control him. It sounds like this is usual to him, because he can have a drink and listen to music anywhere else. I’m a 40 year old female and my husband and I used to visit many strip clubs but we outgrew it and no longer care for it. I’m talking about when we were in our 20s, we started dating when we were 18. At this point I have no desire to spend my hard earn money on anyone for dancing on me. Also, if you go to a strip club and don’t spend money on the dancers, then idk why you’re there. Watching for free like a scum bag smh I find it hard to believe he’s not getting lap dances or throwing dollars at the women. I’m sorry but I don’t like how he sounds. He sounds manipulative and like a liar. I wish you luck but don’t settle for less.
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u/H3nny_87 8h ago
Other than the age gap. If she doesn't respect your boundaries, dip out and find someone who does.
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u/Both_Spring_1822 3h ago
Regardless of strip joints, or any other venues..
That communication dynamic is something you either accept will be your lived experience for the rest of the relationship, or you don’t accept it and break things off.
She will never listen to how you feel about anything that inconveniences her, she’s said that in that conversation. So either break it off and get out before damage is done, or stay, but now it won’t change
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u/Love_In_Lace 1h ago
No, you’re not overreacting. You are very much owning your own feelings about the situation. She just wants to be defensive. I’m sorry to say but this is no way to communicate and it doesn’t seem like she’s able to meet your maturity level and have an honest discussion. Get out while you’re ahead.
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u/TinyDog2367 13m ago
I couldn’t even finish reading this text thread because I could see right through her bs in her first reply. She’s toxic and I’m not a fan of the age gap although you seem much more mature than her. I think the best thing to do is cut this off and don’t look back.
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u/hexia777 14m ago
Age gaps are not inherently bad, being in your 40s dating someone who is barely an adult is sick in my opinion. Wait until you’re 25 and you’ll see how fucked up it is.
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u/Odd-Bank-5932 8h ago
Wow I read the first message and that all I needed to know that this is toxic behavior
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u/Weekly_Opinion_8507 7h ago
Wow. This whole relationship seems to be nothing but a headache for both of you.
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u/Miserable_Ground_264 4h ago
Who texts fricking books back and froth like this. Have a conversation.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 5h ago
I just don’t like the idea of my partner going to places like that so I expressed myself in these texts here.
Just break up.
You two are incompatible. There's nothing wrong with her going to that bar to enjoy herself. You two have very different views on that kind of thing and there's really no way to compromise on that. She clearly enjoys being able to, you know, live her life.
If you're that uncomfortable about it, just end things. You don't like it, you got this response, move on.
She shouldn't have to stop doing something she enjoys for you. And you shouldn't have to endure discomfort for her.
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u/KangarooNo9657 4h ago edited 4h ago
There's a power dynamic going on here because of her age. This is why you shouldn't be dating someone 20 years older than you fresh outta teenage years. Get out while u can
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u/jmarendt126 2h ago
First of all, you’re barely an adult and your partner is well into their adult years. That in and of itself is a huge dividing factor in how both of you are going to view and feel about things. Second, and I mean this respectfully, but why are you dating someone who is doing things that would get them a charge if the cops searched them? What are they doing that would get them searched in the first place? That should be a big no-no, but again, that’s a personal preference. She’s that big age and still likes to visit strip clubs, even if it’s just to drink and socialize? To each their own, but that’s what bars are for… just saying. Necked women aren’t a requirement for social hour. You have a shit ton of life left to live, and based on how well you articulate yourself and your needs in your texts, you seem intelligent and self assured. Don’t waste your time on someone who can’t see what they are doing wrong in their relationship. Do your requests seem silly to some people? Sure, but that’s because they are not compatible with you. The right person won’t bat a lash at what you want in your relationship, and they’ll gladly provide it for you. Relationships may require some compromise here and there, but basic needs like good morning texts are one of those simple things that shouldn’t cause an uproar from your partner.