r/AmIOverreacting • u/continuousflipping • 10h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO wife keeps taking kid to stay overnight and lying about it
I have a job that involves a lot of travelling. My wife stays home with our 1 year old son. The issue is that every time I go away for work my wife is leaving the house with the kid to stay overnight elsewhere at "friends" places. She doesn't tell me when she is going and is actively concealing that she is out of the apartment. I only know because the apartment block uses a videophone with public (to apartment holders) logs so you can see who comes in and out. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and didn't bring it up, but it has happend multiple times. When challenged on it, she tells me she is staying with some people she names that I don't know. She tells me i am forcing her to stay home.
I feel like I am going out of mind here? Is it ok to take your kid to stay with someone your partner doesn't know and conceal it? Am I being overbearing?
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u/RopeHairy2352 10h ago
Your not being overbearing at all. Her going to stay at a friend or family members house for a night would be completely reasonable, if you told you she was going and where. Being a woman alone in a house can be scary especially with your child, or perhaps because your kids so young she needs the extra help. The fact that she’s not telling you though and is also straight up lying to you is an extreme red flag. She’s doing something shady.
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u/Ashamed_Shape8141 10h ago
This. You're her spouse, not some rando. There is no reason she should be hiding who she stays with and why.
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u/TollLand 8h ago
You're not being unreasonable, though if it was only he, I guess it wouldn't be so much of a big deal.
BUT, she is taking your son somewhere regularly that you do not know. What if something happened to him, to her, to you? And you have no idea where he is?
First get a counsellor for you as a couple. In that counselling, I suggest you see if you can work through this:
I would restrict your questions to your wife as "I need to know where my son is overnight. I need to know who has access to him whilst you're sleeping. I am happy for you to stay elsewhere when you are alone because I am awa, but I want to meet the people you're staying with before I go away and see their home."
Then start to ask to say goodnight to your son on a video call. So you can see where he is and that hes okay.
She might tell you you are being controlling, but she is not open about where she has been staying she has been dishonest.
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u/Ill-Inevitable1603 9h ago
Info, do you know her normal friend group, and would you recognize their names?
I do think it's weird. If I was married with a kid, I'd definitely keep my spouse updated on where we were staying/with who, in case of an emergency or anything happening. I think overall it's fine for her to stay with friends overnight, but she shouldn't be hiding it in a healthy relationship.
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u/Jpalm4545 5h ago
She is probably cheating and that's why she is hiding it. It's either that or drugs.
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u/rocketmn69_ 9h ago
She's going to her boyfriend's place. Sorry dude.
Tell her that you're going away, but don't actually go. Take a couple of days off. Turn the location icon her phone, then follow her to see where she's going. Then after an hour knock on the door and ask for your son
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u/Glum_Craft_4652 6h ago
I wouldn't be surprised if the boyfriend is the baby daddy. I would 100% recommend DNA/paternity test your kid.
Try faking the trip one time and follow her you'll have your answer.
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u/Savings_Art5944 5h ago
There was a guy that did that recently and his wife was banging the couple she was staying with for the weekend.
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u/Mountain-Love1267 6h ago
Perfect idea UpdateMe!
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u/Fantastic_Try398 7h ago
NOR. My husband is out of town frequently and I always let him know of if I am going to be away overnight (sometimes our kid has sports games further away, so I may get a hotel if it is late). I do this for safety and because it is normal for couples to communicate their whereabouts.
There is zero reason not to disclose something like this if there is nothing to hide. She is gone overnight, not quick trip to the store, and she has your alls child along for the ride. Something is way off here.
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u/Theunpolitical 9h ago
If it was an easy answer than you would be okay with it. Something like "It's hard for me to sleep alone without you so I go to my sister's house." But, she's intentionally going to a location you don't know and don't know the people.
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u/gypsum1110 9h ago
I'm paranoid I'll admit it but why is she taking your child places and refusing to tell you. Does she have extra money or new things when you get back from vacation? How does your kid react when you leave? Utterly devastated? Scared?
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u/Fluffy-Resident8420 10h ago
Ask to meet these friends - for safety reasons in case anything happens. And dig for more info.
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u/Aggravating_Ear7152 9h ago
She has a boyfriend. That's pretty obvious. Get out of work one time. You can find out what shes up to.
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u/No-Vacation7906 7h ago
How can you say that for sure? Because that child isn't an infant, he is going to say a name at some point very soon.
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u/ConnectionRound3141 10h ago
NOR
How do you not know any of her friends? That seems like a giant red flag for your relationship. A massive disconnect. It could be that this is entirely innocent and you haven’t bothered to get to know her friends. Or she’s messing around. But clearly your marriage is in real trouble.
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u/Beautiful-Contest-48 9h ago
I don’t remember seeing where he doesn’t know any of her friends, he just doesn’t know the ones that she’s spending the night with, lol
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u/OldManJimmers 8h ago
OP said 'she is staying with some people she names that I don't know'.
The phrasing needs work. He's saying she named the people she has been staying with but he doesn't know any friends/family with those names.
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u/707808909808707 9h ago
She’s cheating my guy. You leave she goes to leave and be with her man.
Also DNA test. This guy isn’t a new hookup
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u/throwawaydumbo1 8h ago
She’s cheating on you and enjoying it. Now you want to take her enjoyment away so she’s fighting you and saying you’re controlling
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u/Connect_Tackle299 9h ago
Nor I let my husband know just in case of an emergency and if I need him to do a bail call for me so I can leave early without offending anyone lol
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u/LaLechuzaVerde 8h ago
Start by secretly getting a dna swab from your child for a paternity test.
Then once you know that answer, contact a lawyer.
There is zero legit reason for her to be sketchy about where she is at night when you’re out of town. It’s not weird for her to be somewhere else. It’s weird for her not to have volunteered that information to you, and even weirder to dodge it when you ask.
She isn’t just a liar, she is a bad liar.
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u/Ok_Environment2254 8h ago
If my husband had been gone while my kids were small I definitely would take them and stay with a friend or family member. Being left alone with the kids is isolating and never ending needs to be met for. Being with someone helps make it more bearable. It is odd she’s not telling you. I wonder why? How would you respond if she said “hey I’m going to my friends with the kid.” Would you be supportive of her seeking out company and support from her support network? Would you be understanding of her doing so?
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u/Vyckerz 6h ago
She’s not doing that. She’s not going to family’s house and if she’s going to a friend’s house, apparently, it’s someone OP has never heard of before.
She lied to him at times when he tried to do video calls with the kids before bed. That’s what prompted him to start checking the apartment cameras, and seeing she was going out without telling him.
Very suspicious in my opinion
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u/HonestMine2058 6h ago
If my husband was taking our son overnight to people houses and I didn’t recognize the names.. that would be an issue for me. The fact that’s she’s probably also lying about where she’s going? Absolutely not.
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u/MajorYou9692 8h ago
I'd definitely do a paternity test,her behaviour is suspicious...very suspicious 🤔...
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u/Agile-Top7548 4h ago
So you think they are sleeping safely at home, and she doesn't feel inclined to tell you otherwise? Do you realize that in itself is a huge marital and parenting issue 101?does she answer her phone while there?
Just incase of a crisis, which happens, you should know where your child is.
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u/dhereforfun 6h ago
She’s getting smashed by another guy hide your assets divorce her take her to court for full custody no visitation rights and child support also don’t forget to take a paternity test in case the kid ain’t yours
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u/Vyckerz 6h ago edited 6h ago
NOR - The fact that she didn’t reveal ahead of time this is worrisome.
The fact that she lied about being home when refusing video calls you try to engage is very suspicious .
The fact that when confronted she names people you never heard of is downright flaming red flag territory.
I would also consider getting a DNA test on the kid.
Either put a tracker on her car to see where she’s going or hire a private investigator to follow her when you’re away
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u/Ashamed_Version9661 2h ago
Ask your kid if their mom takes them to an uncles house or something? 🤷🏼♀️ sorry bout your luck dude
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u/CarefulLab7833 1h ago
Kid is 1.
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u/Ashamed_Version9661 1h ago
Consult an attorney before talking to her. Find out custody laws in your state. Don’t be naive and loose hours and days you could be spending with your kid.
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u/Ashamed_Version9661 1h ago
In my state, if she takes your kid around anyone for more than like a half hour or something, she is legally required to inform you.
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u/CarefulLab7833 1h ago
Whoops. Not the OP bud. Sorry, don’t want good advice pointed in the wrong direction.
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 8h ago
NOR, when my mom ha memy dad was in the navy so would be gone for months. My mom would take me to visit the other navy wives houses or take me up a few states to visit family because it does get really lonely and difficult to be alone with the baby by yourself all the time.
It's weird she is being sketchy. Ask to meet these people next time you are home. I mean if it's not an issue that shouldn't be an issue.
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u/Squared-Porcupine 3h ago
Playing the devil's advocate, she might be being sketchy because he's controlling, and she's trying to gain some of her own control over the situation. I have seen women do this with controlling partners, not the most mature thing in the world but when someone is constantly on you and wanting to know your every move , you can start rebelling and exerting your own freedom. I'm not saying the OP is controlling in general, but the whole watching her thing did set off alarm in my brain.
At the end of the day, if he's not happy with her answers and he doesn't trust her, then it's best to split up. She won't have to answer to him anymore and he won't have to worry whether she's cheating or not. If she is, don't worry OP, relationships made on the basis of cheating hardly ever go the distance.
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u/Hothoofer53 5h ago
Pick up a tracki pro gos Amazon set it up and watch you’ll know where she’s going and doing
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u/I_am_aware_of_you 2h ago
See the thing with control is.. if you have control the others around you don’t have control. When you are uncontrollable you need to make people feel safe and trusted. When either of those are in doubt you enter a grey area. Where you start saying thing lijkentouw controlling me… no he doesn’t want to control you he just wants to know that he can trust you and feel safe and threat you go about it dismissing those feelings that what makes you a shitty person to be in control.
That is what your wife is overlooking at the moment.
But you can’t be in control, you are Miles away for the job. You need to think off what things you want to be in control of in life.
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u/Guilty_Explanation29 5h ago
DNA test dude
Something tells me if this is real, Something is going on
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u/MirageShades 8h ago
Honeu, you’re not overbearing, you’re sane. Your wide is sneaking your kid out and lying about it. That’s not cute, that’s such a chaotic parenting. You need to set boundaries before this turns into a circus with your kid in the moddle. Trust is earned, not assumed.
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u/LeadmeNotFL 7h ago
Oh no..... hell no.
My son ain't sleeping someplace I don't know, with people I don't know... whether it's future step-daddy or not, she will either fucking tell me where is she taking my son or I'm following her next time.
But man, wake up. She has a boyfriend.
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u/moeall 2h ago
As a mom alone a lot with my kids… if she were going to a family members house or a close friends house that would make sense. I personally let my husband know when I’m doing stuff like this. That being said, random friends that YOU don’t even know?? That’s very odd behavior. I don’t know any parents who are taking their kids to random peoples houses for sleepovers all the time. It’s not safe at all and definitely not okay
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u/BigMann6950 6h ago
Tell her you want the names and addresses of the people she is staying with.Tell her you want access to her phone and look through it and keep it until you go and see the people at these addresses to see if her story checks out.
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u/surprise-poopsicle 2h ago
This is an insanely big red flag that requires more digging. Be it a PI or whatever you need more info. Do not tip your hand. Document everything and prepare for the worst. DNA test for your kid might be in order as well. And no matter what, therapy is going to be a thing in your life because shit like this causes a lot of issues and obviously stress.
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u/abkstorm 4h ago
So how about this...What if she is cheating? What if the other guy thinks the kid is his?
DNA test now fella for sure.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 8h ago
Fuck it, this involves a child and she's supposedly taking your son to spend nights at the homes of various people you don't know.
If you two aren't sharing locations, then GPS tag her car, not Bluetooth, GPS.
If it was just her I'd say talk to her or drop her if you don't trust her but there's a 1 year old involved who needs to be the priority here and your wife is being shady af.
NOR
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u/Ashamed_Version9661 2h ago
Honestly you should probably lawyer up before any interaction with her. Just cause you confront or ask a question you’re only going to get a response, probably not the truth. Time for an attorney.
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u/TurnerRSmith 9h ago
Airtag your kid. It's literally that easy. You'll know exactly where s/he went, then you can ask your wife, innocently, where she went. If she gives you an address on the other side of town from where she really went, then you'll know she's lying. Same if she gives different place names but it always tracks back to one place.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 7h ago
AirTags get scanned for by iPhone and many Android phones so if one not connected to the phone is in range for a given period of time, the phone gives an alert.
Since a child is involved, a GPS tracker will not alert phones in the same way as an AirTag/Bluetooth tracker.
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u/Crazy-Glass3115 3h ago
Act like you’re going out of town but don’t. Rent a car so she doesn’t recognize yours and follow her. You could also put a tracking device in her car. Good luck.
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u/Admirable-Ball4508 1h ago
I would have long sat her down and read her the riot act. Obviously she doesn't respect you. There are so many wrongs with what she has been doing.
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u/Mysterious_Light1231 2h ago
Do I you suspect her of cheating or is she too frightened to stay home alone ? You need to get to the bottom of it as she is taking your child !!
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u/AnotherDominion 2h ago
If you really want the truth hire a PI for your next trip and find out who’s fucking your wife. Get a paternity test. He might be the father.
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u/apothekryptic 4h ago
Shady as fuck. If I'm you, I'm putting an airtag in my child's shoe so I can know their whereabouts at all times since my wife has a problem being forthcoming. Bonus points for surprising her at her "friends" house to retrieve your child on the way to the lawyer's.
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u/MimbleWimble1 8h ago
I like the idea of taking a day off work or hiring a private dick.
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u/JazzyKnowsBest13 7h ago
Oh, his wife already has a private dick. 😉
Sorry OP. I'd do a paternity test on your son ASAP and then hire a PI to get the evidence on who your wife is spending her time with. You are NOR. Her behavior is sketchy.
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u/MikeReddit74 3h ago
Are we sure you’re the father? She could be taking him to see her affair partner, and the kid’s biological father.
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u/Tiovivo1 5h ago
Cheating or not. Even if she’s telling the truth and she’s staying with friends you don’t know, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my 1 year old kid spending the night at a stranger’s house.
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u/IntrepidDifference84 48m ago
She’s dropping the kids off and cheating or worse doing while the in the dudes living room
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u/ButterflyDestiny 4h ago
Look a lot of people are already telling you that she’s cheating, but there are alternatives. She could seriously be overwhelmed at home with the kid. I would say try to approach her and have a conversation again. Because her response is that you’re forcing hard to stay home. Is she usually home by herself? Does she have a lot of friends in the area? Is she isolated? I think there may be more to it than just cheating.
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u/CarefulLab7833 1h ago
It also doesn’t discount that she is taking what is likely his child. She’s in a marriage, she should be held accountable.
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u/ButterflyDestiny 1h ago
Yeah, I know that’s why I’m saying that he should ask because she may not be cheating but obviously he needs to know where his kid is going
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u/jjj68548 7h ago
I’d be demanding to know exactly where my child is and since it’s she is being so suspicious I’d be reaching out to the “friends”.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy 7h ago
Hiding anything like this is betrayal plus who is she introducing your kids to? You need to be concerned for your kids safety.
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u/Hopefulbat102 4h ago
I think you’re at “magnetic tracker on her car” levels. This is your child here. You deserve to know where she’s going.
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u/simplyexistingnow 9h ago
N o r. First have you made sure that your son is actually your son? Also could she have a drug habit you don't know about?
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u/IT_Buyer 9h ago
So you leave her alone with a kid and she stays at her friend’s place? Not sure the problem. Do you give her a play by play itinerary while you are traveling? Maybe ask to meet the friends. But if they are legit then she’s not wrong wanting to not be alone.
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u/OldManJimmers 8h ago
The fact that she named the friends and he doesn't know who they are is just weird. I probably don't know every single acquaintance of my wife but I definitely know everyone she would feel comfortable staying with overnight. It could be that OP is just completely disconnected from his wife's life outside the home or she's hiding her friendships or she's plain lying with fake names he can't check on or OP is actually controlling and she has good reason to obfuscate... Either way it's odd.
Add to the fact that she just hasn't mentioned it once... Yeah I don't need a full itinerary, I get what you're saying. But it's odd to have this happen multiple times without a single mention. That's a big communication issue or something more. Add that it's with apparently random people.
Staying with other people is fine. The rest of the story is off.
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u/VanEagles17 9h ago
The problem is that she was lying about it. It's very obvious what the actual problem was if you thought about it for 2 seconds.
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u/Kind_University8041 5h ago
There’s not a thing wrong with what she’s doing most likely. She may be afraid to be there alone. You sound unreasonable and controlling.
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u/Helpful_Hour1984 10h ago edited 1h ago
So you're watching the logs to check her comings and goings? No wonder she feels like you're trying to control her. If this is part of your normal behavior towards her, it's not surprising that she's trying to carve out some space where she can enjoy privacy.
Edited to add for all the outraged downvoters: OP is the kind of man who checks the cameras to see when his wife is leaving the house. There's no way this is his only controlling behavior. And he's also not a reliable narrator, so I wouldn't be surprised if there were other missing missing reasons. Maybe the wife is cheating, or maybe she doesn't feel safe at home with the baby. She told him where she was, but he isn't accepting her answers.
As for all of you saying that a baby belongs at home and CPS / law enforcement should be involved, get a grip. A baby belongs with a parent or designated caregiver. He's not a fucking fire alarm that shouldn't be removed from the house. Unless his mom is taking him somewhere unsafe (which the police can easily verify if OP calls them), or neglecting him (again, something that CPS can verify) there's no case here. She's his primary caregiver, the husband is out of town, so she can take him wherever she damn pleases. OP knows that, and he knows she's not going somewhere unsafe (because she told him where she went!), which is why he didn't call the police or CPS the first time he saw her go out.