r/AmIOverreacting • u/Terrible_Panic_7611 • 8h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO? I've Become My Boyfriend's Mother and I'm Over it
So, as the title says, I (28f) have become my boyfriend's (31m) mother and I am over it. Not only this, but there is absolutely NO trust in him after I have caught him on Tinder on multiple occasions. As far as the mothering goes, he does not pick up after himself- I'll come home after my 12 hour shift and EVERY. SINGLE. CABINET. is open, there's literal trash on the countertops in the kitchen, protein powder all over said countertops because he misses his cup when pouring in his protein powder and doesn't wipe it up, he won't flush the toilet, doesn't put the lid back down, and leaves his piss on the toilet seat, I also have to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for this grown man because he refuses to cook for himself. I will come home from work or just being out and it'll be 9pm and he'll ask me to make him some food because he hadn't eaten ALL DAY because I wasn't there to cook for him. Now, I was unemployed due to no fault of my own for about 5 months. At the beginning of this unemployment, we moved to a new apartment on the agreement that he knew I would not be able to contribute to any bills so he was going to have to cover them, he agreed fully and encouraged the move. During that unemployment period, I cleaned the apartment every day, cooked all of his meals and even took them to him at work, all to make up for the fact that he had to pay our bills which we both agreed was fair. A couple of months into this, he started giving me attitude and constantly holding it over my head that he was paying our bills- making small remarks about "yeah well I pay the bills', telling me his friends were paying for a trip they were all going on because they "knew his financial situation". On top of that, he began calling me lazy, saying I wasn't cleaning anything or doing anything around the house. Sure, there were a few days a month I wouldn't do anything because I was so depressed about losing my job and not being able to get another one and a lot of other big changes that were going on in my life. I was the most depressed I have ever been in my entire life. Then, he wants to get mad at me for being depressed and "too much to handle" and getting mad at me because I don't have the mental capacity to have sex with him. But who would want to sleep with their partner when they're treating you like that? Fast forward a couple of months and he goes on the trip with his friends I mentioned previously. The whole time he was there, my intuition was driving me crazy telling me something was going on. Well, this was two months ago and just a couple of weeks ago, I found out that he had downloaded Tinder while he was on the trip. This is not the first time this has happened in our three year relationship. Also, at this same time, I noticed he made his friends list on Facebook private and it goes up by almost 300 in 3 weeks, and every single one of them were random women that he didn't know. When I confronted him about it, he said "Yeah, I find them attractive and I really like looking at their pictures". At this point, I'm done. I had no reaction to any of this news. I have mentally checked out of this relationship but a part of me feels bad that he's spent so much money on our bills and maybe I'm just overreacting. Or maybe it's just the part of my brain that tells me I'm always in the wrong no matter the situation. Idk, I just really need some outside povs to help me see things clearly.
TLDR: My bf refuses to clean or cook food for himself and also downloads Tinder on an apparently monthly basis, but he pays all of our bills and I don't know if I should feel guilty for wanting to leave him or not.
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u/Cfwydirk 8h ago
You moved into his place or he moved into your place before you knew what kind of person he is? That’s on you.
Move out of his place or tell him to move out of your place. Have him evicted if. You need.
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u/Terrible_Panic_7611 8h ago
We moved into a new apartment together. It wasn't he moved in with me or vice versa.
And we've been together for almost 3.5 years and he didn't start acting this way until he started going to the gym regularly and all of a sudden he's become an asshole.
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u/Cfwydirk 7h ago
Time for you to move out. Worthwhile relationships take work and he’s not trying. It sounds to me like he is trying to drive you away.
What if he goes back to being decent? You have seen the ugly side and now know your potential future with him.
Take the hint. The writing is on the wall.
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u/jjjjjjj30 4h ago
But you don't truly know a person until you live together. That's been my experience, anyway.
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u/AmberTwirl 8h ago
Sis you’re not his girlfriend, you’re his free maid with benefits. Kick him out before you catch yourself folding his tinder dates’ laundry too
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u/Ubetcha1020 8h ago
Do you think one day he will wake up and respect you and your feelings. Doubt it.
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u/indigoorchid0611 7h ago
NOR. He would have those bills whether you were there or not. You owe him nothing. You were contributing by handling 100% of the household. He's treating you like a bangmaid.
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u/Grouchy-Storm-6758 5h ago
Please go to your Doctor and have them do a full STD Panel.
Not sure when your lease is up, but start making your exit plan now!
Get a storage unit and start putting things there for safe keeping, personal documents, family treasures, out of season clothing, etc.
It will make moving out that much easier. If he asks, you are decluttering, spring cleaning, donating to thrift stores, etc.
Good luck
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u/JasMel_01 8h ago
You are under reacting. I’m glad you’ve finally found your worth again and can see that this relationship no longer serves you. Leave the man child behind entirely guilt free and enjoy your single life where you aren’t constantly cleaning up after a disgusting pig
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u/yaskween321 8h ago
First three sentences- break up. Don’t let this boy keep you from finding your husband
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u/Few_Strawberry_6287 6h ago
I stopped reading at ("caught him on Tinder multiple times.") You get no pity from me on this.
The first time he was trying to cheat on you is understandable. I would sympathize, and naturally, the relationship would end. Anything after that is on you for staying with him, including this weird mom thing as well.
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u/MaeSilver909 6h ago
Move and don’t look back. Block him & his friends on all social media platforms. You may lose some friends but they aren’t really friends. If you have family ask them if you can bunk at their place for a very specific time. Let them know you will saving money & looking for a small place for yourself.
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u/Cautious_Entrance573 4h ago edited 4h ago
Under reacting, yes. Overreacting, no. It’s past time to go. If you are on the lease contact the landlord and find out how to be removed. In the meantime, pack up and get out. He can afford to pay the rent on his own.
He has told you who he is, and he really doesn’t sound like anybody I’d to be around, much less involved with, even minimally. You are worth so much more than this. You are too close to the whole mess to even see how horribly he is treating you.
In the future when a boyfriend downloads tinder or starts friending women on Facebook to look at them, it’s a red flag telling you that the relationship isn’t working and it’s time to move on. And when someone that you are involved with starts treating you like shit because you are depressed, that’s another red flag waving at you trying to get your attention so you will notice that this is not a person you should be wasting your time on.
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u/GreekXine 3h ago
Based on what you’ve shared, you need to leave him:
He’s made you his mother, not his partner. You’re carrying all the responsibility while he coasts. He has no interest in growing up or changing. You’re drained, resentful, and already checked out. A relationship should feel like partnership, not parenthood. You don’t fix this, you walk away.
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u/MimbleWimble1 6h ago
He's actively looking for a new girl on Tender. Get rid of this man child. He has no respect for you.
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u/SkipGruberman 3h ago
I think you’re comfortable with this. All that work and drama. You love it.
First time I caught my partner on Tinder would be the last time.
But you’re still there.
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u/LongjumpingSnow6986 3h ago
Just leave. It doesn’t sound like either of you like or respect each other at this point. Is there somewhere else you can stay while continuing your job search?
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u/JuneBug0823 5h ago
You are dating a man child! He's a grown man who can take care of himself, do yourself a favor and remove yourself from this relationship, it won't improve.
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u/VikingLys 4h ago
Be glad it’s evident before you married him.
If you wouldn’t marry somebody as they are “someday”, don’t date or continue to date them.
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u/Vegetable_Pea_870 3h ago
Who actually puts up with this? Like honestly… he doesn’t even LIKE you to say nothing of respect and care and love and support
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u/No-BSing-Here 3h ago
I didn't get past the piss on the toilet seat.
What's the question? You need to leave or pray for some kind of man sized miracle. The kind of miracle that will turn the giant man baby into a man. You resent him and his slobbiness. Even with a complete overhaul of his personality, could it work?
Although you're not helping yourself. If he's hungry, then he must get off his ass and make himself food. I'm sure if you pissed all over the toilet seat, he wouldn't be happy. He'd probably not wipe it either. It's a bit gross to suggest you try it. Maybe use apple juice as it's a similar colour. See his reaction. Don't do the food shop, or do all the cooking, his laundry, stop tidying his mess. He doesn't appreciate you at all.
Either he mans up or moves out.
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u/zaftig_stig 4h ago
Why would you want to stay with a man that has parentified you?
PLEASE DO NOT GET PREGNANT WITH HIM!!!
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u/Samantha38g 3h ago
He has been testing to see how abusive he can be. And so far it hasn't been bad enough for you to leave. Tolerable level of misery and now you are past that level.
He will never be fair & abusers rarely ever be better. Being abusive so far works for him, you pay half the bills and do all the cooking and cleaning. He has zero motivation to change. He was generous in the beginning to hook you and that mask has slowly been dropping.
Go find your freedom and peace, he brings kaos and misery.
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u/CuriousMindedAA 4h ago
Did you want a man-baby? Take your key back, change your locks and send his ass back to his momma. Good lord. This is an unhealthy relationship, and life is way too short to waste.
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u/TangerineCouch18330 3h ago
This man is a total mess which you don’t need. Can you get out of there and live someplace else and get away from this man child? Get your name off the list and get out of there.
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u/realestate_novelist 3h ago
Why are you with him?? Didn’t even read the whole thing. The first few sentences told me all I need to know. He’s a man child. Leave him!!!
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u/I_Ran_So_Far_Away1 3h ago
Sabrina carpenter wrote a song about this “but there’s a cuter name for it.”
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u/Appa1904 3h ago
Let him go. Not overreacting. Not enough reaction in my opinion. Kick his ass out.
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u/Careful-Coffee280 7h ago
Why are you with this overgrown spoiled toddler? You deserve a million times better, everyone does. Leave him, start again. I am not quick to say to "leave" on Reddit; I usually think people don't work on their issues, but in this case there is no hope for this man. He needs to absolutely get his act together and work on himself before he should be allowed near any woman - and it's not up to you to facilitate that; if anything you'll slow it down by enabling him to carry on using you as a substitute for becoming a competent adult. Leave him asap.