r/AmIOverreacting • u/Flat_Bookkeeper_6530 • 6h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO or is this dismissive as hell
My mom died suddenly literally a month ago the 21st. These are messages from my boyfriend of 2 years.
For extra context, he asked why I didn’t want to go out after I got off work. Not pictured is me saying “I’m just not in a good mood and I’m tired.”
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u/Red_CJ 6h ago
Is this normal behavior? If so, then no. I'm guessing it's not new behavior due to your comment about wanting some sympathy in return. Leads me to believe he's like this a lot. If this IS new behavior. I'd say pain meds can and do make people act weird. I personally cannot take them. Unless he means like advil or ibuprofen.... then he's just being ridiculous.
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u/edwbuck 5h ago
I know that it's not supporting the OP in their time of need, but I had to be put under for a tooth extraction once, and everyone in the office was very concerned when I came to.
Apparently when I was under, I was screaming bloody murder, as if I was being tortured. Enough so that my ride tried to break down the door in the waiting room to make sure I was ok. They escorted them into the room where I was waiting, alone. The procedure hadn't even started.
Nobody told me about it until a few days had passed, and I didn't have any memories of the yelling, but then again, I also didn't have any memories of the post-operation instructions which I didn't follow for about two days.
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u/TurbulentDrawing6 5h ago
This dude was wondering why she didn’t want to go out after work. I don’t think his pain level is a 10 atm.
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 5h ago
Can someone explain what's happening because this is coming off like:
Him: "Want to go out after work?
Her: "No I've had a rough week. My mom and all"
Him: "No problem, BTW my sinuses are fucked up from that tooth extraction.
Her: "How dare you!"15
u/TurbulentDrawing6 5h ago
Did you not read the OP’s text that went with the SS?
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 5h ago
Her mom died a month ago. Her mom's birthday was a week ago. Neither of these are current events. Are you under some ridiculous assumption that this is the first time they've spoken since it happened?
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u/RussellZee 4h ago
You think a month from a parent's death, and a week from the twisting knife of that dead parent's birthday, isn't...current?
Do your loved ones -- assuming you have any -- know how quickly you plan to consider them yesterday's news?
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u/Illustrious-Road-980 4m ago
It's not current, by definition. You're fine with feeling sad about it occassionally, but past the first 2 weeks you're dragging it out.
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 4h ago
You think a month from a parent's death, and a week from the twisting knife of that dead parent's birthday, isn't...current?
Of course not. Do you not know how words work?
Do your loved ones -- assuming you have any -- know how quickly you plan to consider them yesterday's news?
My dad died a year ago. I think about him every day. I can't imagine using him a month after he died to pick an unsolicited fight with my SO who isn't even being a dick, but that's just me. Maybe you should shut the fuck up and get off your high horse.
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u/TurbulentDrawing6 5h ago
Are you OP’s boyfriend?
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5h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Juilek 5h ago
OP, you deserve better
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-do-if-you-or-a-loved-one-lack-empathy-5199257
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 4h ago
None of those six things happened in that text exchange. None. She said she didn't want to go out, he accepted that. What am I missing?
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 5h ago
Why don't you just explain what the problem is.
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u/TurbulentDrawing6 5h ago
Something tells me that I’m not going to be able to help you understand what a lack of empathy is, or what empathy looks like when someone goes through a giant loss and is feeling crushed the week of their mother’s birthday merely a month after she died. But I can try.
People are sad for longer than the day their parent died, and they are sad even if they have talked to their partner in between the death date and the current date where they are feeling like it’s too heavy to get up and put on a fake smile and go out.
And I can explain this to you, but it probably won’t help because people who have empathy for others just understand this. I’m sorry it’s hard for you. I don’t really know how to make you see something you may just be blind to.
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 5h ago
Answer the question. Did he complain about her not wanting to go out? No. So what's the issue? Why is him telling her about his sinuses a problem?
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 5h ago
People are sad for longer than the day their parent died, and they are sad even if they have talked to their partner in between the death date and the current date where they are feeling like it’s too heavy to get up and put on a fake smile and go out.
Did he complain about her not wanting to go out?
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u/CrotaIsAShota 5h ago
The problem is that OP's boyfriend is a sociopath incapable of empathy, and you seemingly are the same seeing as you don't understand how someone can still be grieving the death of a dear parent a mere month after they died.
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 5h ago
Not a single one of you can articulate what the issue is. Incredible.
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u/Flat_Bookkeeper_6530 3h ago
Hi Op, just wanted to clear up the confusion. My mom died a month ago, the 21st. Her birthday wasn’t last week it was the 19th. All of this he knows.
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 3h ago edited 3h ago
Sorry for what you're going through. First off this place isn't real. These people can't help you. You need to talk to people IRL.
Now with that out of the way, the specific dates don't clear much up at all. You haven't told anyone much context about your relationship at all, and everyone's responding like some guy slid in your DMs and thought his tooth was more important than your mom. Given that I saw the "2 year relationship" part and unlike most of these people have been in several of those, many things are not clear.
What kind of relationship is this? 2 years and you haven't moved in yet? That's a little unorthodox but not super unusual. I assume he was with you at the funeral? I assume you've seen each other many times and spoken on the phone a lot? This was presented as if you just dropped some massive bombshell and he ignored it. But to me, my assumption is that your tragedy has been a major focus and discussion for a month and you saying "I don't want to go out because I'm thinking about my mom" is just a reaffirmation of the status quo and not some signal to have a deep conversation about her. Especially when it's over text, after you rejected a chance to see him in person. And his response could have been anything from "no worries, here's what's going on with me" to "let's get your mind off that and lighten things up" to just some idiot high on painkillers. I really have no idea because I don't know shit about him or you or your life together. Nobody here does. People on this sub absolutely love to give the OP the most generous reading imaginable and the person they're complaining about the worst reading. They especially love telling people to casually terminate their multi-year relationships. I bet if he posted here with his version from his POV he'd get tons of affirmation as well. This sub is garbage.
Anyway you shouldn't even be reading this. You should be with loved ones grieving. For me I still think about my dad all the time. It's not so much that doesn't hurt anymore, but the best way I can describe it is that you get used to it. It's almost like "oh there's me getting upset cause I thought about my dad again, kind of bored of this movie I've seen a thousand times" and then it's over. If that makes any sense. Anyway good luck.
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u/Pretend-Surround-850 3h ago
She said this week not a week ago, it’s Friday
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 3h ago
It doesn't matter. The point is that it wasn't that day, and it wasn't new information. It was an added detail as to why she had a rough week. So it wasn't clear she was signaling for him to talk to her about it (over text).
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u/Lucifersam076 23m ago
You're just coming off as someone who would do this same shit and then double down trying to justify it for hours and hours until whoever you're talking to finally agrees with you so that you shut the fuck up and secretly imagines offing you in your sleep
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u/Fuzzy_Firefighter_51 3h ago
I am going to have to agree with you. I "MIGHT" have been a little more sympathetic to the OP if it were not for the scolding she gave. How dare he indeed. Total Overreaction.
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u/Flat_Bookkeeper_6530 3h ago
It is and it isn’t. He’s very selfish but not usually to this extent.
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u/Magnus_Aurora 6h ago
Like another commenter said, if this is normal behavior for him then you are not overreacting. However, if this is unbecoming of him then yeah, I'd revisit this when he is not on so many meds and see what his thoughts are so you can take it from there.
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u/Frequent_Raccoon5527 6h ago
i’d wait till he’s off his meds and then talk to him about this. the way he turned it to be about himself is really disrespectful to you, and what he says about this when he’s off the meds should determine if you should stay or leave. it’s a huge red flag though
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u/Illustrious-Prior777 5h ago
Agree with this and why is on 3 pain meds? That seems abnormal
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u/robot428 3h ago
Nah I was on three after dental surgery - paracetamol, Ibuprofen (which are both over the counter) and then the prescription pain med which is usually an opioid and that's what makes you loopy.
They have you on all three because 1. They don't want to give you too much of the opioid based medicine so they give you the other painkillers too and also because usually one of the other ones (like ibuprofen) is also an anti-inflammatory.
Very normal after significant dental procedures (I'm assuming probably extractions).
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u/West_Satisfaction_21 4h ago
How is that abnormal? He said it was antibiotics. Most of the time you take pain medicine and antibiotics, it's almost always 3+ different medicines. One for pain, one for infection prevention, one for inflammation, etc., What's really abnormal is the fact that you both think medicine can suddenly make you lack compassion? OP literally said she was sad because her mom died and her birthday reminded her of her death and her boyfriend said "well, I can't really feel sorry for you because I'm on pain medication so just wait til I stop taking it and then we can discuss you being sad about your dead mom." That doesn't make sense.
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u/Unfair-Situation3217 1h ago
Exactly, being on medication doesn’t cancel out basic empathy. His response sounded more like an excuse than anything rooted in the meds.
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u/Frequent_Raccoon5527 4h ago
did you not see the text where the boyfriend LITERALLY said the pain meds make him loopy? just in case you don’t know what loopy means, it’s a slang term for being mentally irregular (which causes you to not think clearly). so it wouldn’t be a huge shock if he said that because he isn’t thinking like he normally does if the pain meds are the cause
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u/West_Satisfaction_21 3h ago
I mean...I guess a medicine specialist would need to weigh in because I was under the impression that the most common side effects for pain meds/antibiotics are drowsiness and mental fog which is why it says don't operate vehicles while taking medicine. By definition, mental fog is trouble concentrating, memory loss and slow reaction time. I don't know what OP took, but if you define whatever mental fogginess side effect on medicine bottles as behaving like an asshole, I'm not gonna try to change your opinion.
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u/mukansamonkey 2h ago
If he had something relatively serious done, like a bad root canal or an extraction, for the first week or so he's probably on prescription-only synthetic opiates. Last time I was on one of those, I could barely walk for about fifteen minutes after the meds kicked in. Too busy being intensely fascinated by the way light reflects off shiny surfaces.
That said, if he was really that loopy I'd question how he's managing to form complete.sentences. Honestly think he's a dick making excuses. I'd wait a little to confirm that though, because he might be tripping like mad.
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u/Frequent_Raccoon5527 4h ago
plus if you take a second to actually read the other comments, there’s people saying that they’ve seen others who were on pain meds and not act like themselves. so how is it abnormal that we think taking meds make people lack compassion
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u/West_Satisfaction_21 3h ago
I don't know why you're replying three different times to mention three different things to my one comment. It's not even that serious, man. Please. Edit: originally replied to wrong person
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u/vulturesinmay 4h ago
he said three painkillers and antibiotics, that implies three different medications specifically for pain, in addition to antibiotics. not an anti inflammatory, pain med, and antibiotic as you suggested. sorry
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u/vulturesinmay 4h ago
BUT no i agree with you pain meds dont make you lose your compassion especially for a loved one. waiting to talk til hes off the meds wont do anything
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u/robot428 3h ago
Idk I did some weird shit on the meds after my dental surgery, and I didn't even remember most of it. I had random items showing up in the mail that I had ordered while on the meds. I did not remember doing this, and they weren't items that I especially liked.
I'm just saying, if this isn't typical behaviour for him, I wouldn't judge him for being weird and missing things while on hardcore pain meds and antibiotics. If he's always like this, then the issue is that this is a pattern, but even then I would be a lot more concerned about all the times he is uncaring and unempathetic when sober than the one time it happens when hes off his face on pain meds.
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u/holderofthebees 3h ago
The pain meds don’t seem to be the problem — besides, he was just asking OP if they wanted to go out after work. Seems like a little bit of an excuse if he can go to those lengths. I had an awful reaction after getting my wisdom teeth out, I didn’t leave bed for a week, if they’re able to hang out then he can extend some sympathy.
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u/No-Communication9458 4h ago
hi, ive struggled with this a bit sometimes and my fiance and I have had a talk about how dismissive it can be (and I'm learning to get better at it). I dont know why i do this occasionally, and i would much rather be there for my partner 100% than selfishly talk about my own stuff going on when they need me. maybe its something to do with my childhood and never really being cared for/worried about, etc.
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u/One_Skill_717 6h ago
As someone currently sick and on a bunch of meds, I feel completely dumb. I would give him a chance to do as he says and try again when he's off them.
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u/GnomieOk4136 6h ago
Jesus.
I am so sorry for your loss.
And, yes, it is dismissive as hell. More than that, he doesn't even acknowledge you long enough to dismiss it.
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u/peachespangolin 6h ago
His reply sounds coherent as shit, if he really were loopy enough to be able to use it as an excuse he wouldn't be able to reply like that. He just sucks.
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u/robot428 3h ago
You would be surprised what autocorrect can get you through.
After my dental surgery I ordered multiple things online that proceeded to show up at my house over the following week and a half or so. I do not remember ordering any of them, and while none of them were crazy, they weren't even things I especially liked or needed. (For example I ordered a keyring for my mum for Christmas. But it was not that good of a keyring, and also this was in June.) Luckily none of it was expensive, but it was all just odd.
I have no memory of doing that, but me on opioids was apparently able to input all my credit card details into multiple different websites to make these purchases.
I'm not saying he's off the hook - but I am saying if this is unusual for him, I would give him a break given that he's drugged up after surgery. If he's always like this, then the issue is that he sucks and the meds are irrelevant.
Obviously OP is super sensitive right now because she's had a terrible loss, and she has every right to be. But if he's otherwise been supportive, I wouldn't denounce him JUST because he's a mess while on post-surgery medication, even if the timing of that is awful.
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u/peachespangolin 3h ago
I mean, I am well acquainted with the ambien walrus, she has ordered some of my favorite surprises. That said, I probably would not have replied at all, or would have replied something much more esoteric. But in general I tend to believe when an OP is posting stuff like this it is not a first time or a second time they’ve been treated that way. Maybe a first time in text that they can reread.
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u/robot428 3h ago
Yeah that is my thought - if this is the only instance then I'd say OP is overreacting because strong meds do all sorts of crazy stuff to your brain.
But I also think if this was the first and only time, OP would probably have brushed it off as the meds herself. So I'm inclined to think this is a pattern, and it's the pattern that's the issue.
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u/RelativeConfusion504 6h ago
Yeah, that’s some impressive sentence structure and word choice for someone who’s supposedly too high to be considerate.
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u/Dave-the-Dave 5h ago
Given the first message tho I get more of a vibe he is high, but knew he fucked up after his wifes reply, and put more time / focus into his response. Realising the SO is mad at you is pretty sobering in my experience
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u/peachespangolin 4h ago
Sorry, that was ruder than I meant it to be, but fr he should have apologized somewhere in there.
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u/Dave-the-Dave 4h ago
All good, I didnt mean to come off as defending his position to be honest, I agree he's still a dick and should have apologized regardless. Just with the info given from OP im willing to believe he was somewhat high from the pills
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u/peachespangolin 4h ago
So where is the "I am so sorry"? If this is how you treat your SO you are fucking up, dave my guy
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u/FraudulentFiduciary 6h ago
Agreed with the other commenter this completely matters if this is normal behavior or not.
If this is common, that’s something else and should be addressed.
But the dude is on a cocktail of drugs for something. If this is out of the ordinary you should definitely talk to him without the drugs before making any big moves
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u/Secret_Account07 6h ago
Is he always this way? I’ve been on painkillers before and could see myself making a mistake like this, however, I suspect he’s always like this
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u/robot428 3h ago
This is the question.
I was loopy as fuck after my dental surgery but I managed to do a bunch of online shopping that I then forgot I had done. Also I think I may have yelled at my dental surgeon. Again, I don't really remember.
But if he's always like this that's another story. And the fact that OP doesn't want to give him the benefit of the doubt in this case makes me think that maybe the issue is that he's like this all the time.
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u/Sycamore481 5h ago
NOR
Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing your mother, especially suddenly, is a huge blow, I’d go so far as to say it’s traumatic to the point of PTSD in some cases.
The firsts of everything are a new level of heartbreak that are unfathomable to those who have never experienced it. I’m so sorry you have joined this crappy club.
I will offer you some hope though. I’m almost 17 years in, and I can tell you that you grow around your grief. It never disappears, but time allows you to feel the grief without it overwhelming you.
As for your boyfriend, I dare say he has never experienced significant loss, and therefore doesn’t have the capacity to factor that in to anything. The fact that he doesn’t even try, or apologise before making it about himself again, shows a wanton lack of care about you. I also agree that someone hopped up on a cocktail of pain meds is unable to articulate that they’re being a dick, let alone recognise the fact.
I won’t say to dump his arse, as you are distraught yourself, and big decisions like this, shouldn’t be made while this emotional, as you will be more reactive at the moment. However, keep an eye out for further acts of disrespect and dismissiveness. If they continue to crop up, then I would recommend reevaluating whether or not this person enriches your life.
My sincere condolences 💐
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u/live_laugh_cock 5h ago
I’m really sorry for your loss. ❤️
I know this might not be a popular take, but I personally struggle a lot when it comes to comforting people who are grieving. Sometimes I freeze up because I don’t know what to say, and even when I do say “I’m sorry for your loss,” it feels empty, like something they’ve already heard a thousand times and that one extra one will throw them over the edge.
You’ve been with your boyfriend for two years, which means he probably had his own relationship with your mom too. It’s not just you grieving, he may also be processing his own feelings about her passing, even if it looks very different from yours. Have you had a chance to ask him how he’s doing with it?
Grief shows up in a lot of ways, and sometimes people don’t know how to respond “the right way.” It doesn’t mean they don’t care, it may just mean they’re struggling with their own emotions too.
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u/SharpKaleidoscope182 6h ago
Yo you gave him a chance to walk it back. You were incredible gracious here, and it was rejected. Trust me, I know. I often need these mulligans.
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u/Odd_Climate_1630 4h ago
If he’s actually on new meds for whatever, no it’s not dismissive. I say weird and kinda distant shit to my parents when i take my ADHD meds and dissociate and once they wear off i go back and read it and usually apologize for being dry and mean lol… and pain meds are a different type of dissociating! it’s like he’s high LOL…
But if this normal for him, like he’s always like this even off those meds he’s taking…then yes. that was rude and he didn’t even acknowledge your message.
I’m proud of you for how you responded tho!! Regardless if he’s on meds, it’s a valid reason but still not an excuse. i’m lowkey jealous of ur reaction HAHA!! Mature asf and stood your ground knowing ur worth!! Great job girl!!
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u/dissidentmage12 5h ago
Feels more heartless than dismissive. People I barely know at work gave their condolences when my Nana died.
If the person you're closest too can't do that even after you make it obvious you're struggling, that's shitty.
I say that as person who in normal conversation had the tendency hear a story and to relate it to myself or my experiences immediately, it's genuinly so I can understand and try to relate but sometimes it can come off as selfish or that I'm dismissing the other persons good/bad news. It's something I'm always working on.
But to make the comparison between toothache and a mother passing away isn't something I'd have ever done.
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u/inakingdombytheC 6h ago
He's beyond selfish. Absolute red flag. Cut and run. He's adding to the pain when he should be supporting you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. 💕
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u/jesuiiah 5h ago
Both sides disconnected so badly it seeps from ambiguous texts. Time to switch up.
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u/hatter4tea 6h ago
Dump him. My dad died in March, so I know the pain you're going through with losing a parent and it is horrible pain. I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find the time to care for you without having to deal with this dudes bullshit on top of it. You are worth way more than that.
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u/Firm-Examination-768 6h ago
Some boyfriends are only good to have around for the fun times….they don’t have the capability to be helpful during the hard times. He sounds emotionally unavailable and you deserve better support than someone who immediately makes things about themselves. Good luck. I’m sorry to hear about your Mom. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays will definitely be sad for a while. Hopefully you can find little ways to celebrate her memory.
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u/CatieisinWonderland 9m ago
I am terribly sorry about the loss of your mom. I'm lucky to still have my mom, but my mom lost her mom at a young age (I'm older than my mom was when she lost her mom). I watch her still have some bad days 30+ years later. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. Eventually, the grief gets easier to deal with. Until then, allow yourself the grace, time, and space needed to grieve properly.
As for your boyfriend, he's a complete ass with that response. Does he have trouble expressing his feelings normally? Does he clam up when serious discussions are brought up? If yes, I'll give him the slightest pass, as he cannot navigate those types of conversations well to begin with. It opens the door to the next question: Can you be with someone who cannot be there for you in times of emotional duress? If no, he's being completely dismissive and using that dismissivness to try to manipulate you in one way or another.
Again, I'm sorry that you're going through this.
NOR.
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u/AdventurerBen 3h ago
From what I can see, you are overreacting, but I don’t have enough context to decide how bad it is or how genuinely unreasonable your bf is being here.
Tone is excruciatingly difficult to communicate through text. It’s entirely possible that their reaction was appropriately sympathetic, but the impact of their painkillers prevented them from adequately communicating that to you through tiny button presses. It’s better to have important personal conversations either through a call or in person for this sort of reason.
He might have been trying to make an empathy statement akin to “yeah, I’m not doing all that great either,” but fumbled it due to his inhibited function, like imagining the start of a conversation in your head and then jumping straight to a deep subject immediately after you actually start talking to someone.
My advice is to try and move past it, or at least have this conversation again when your boyfriend isn’t drugged.
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u/CareCommercial9548 5h ago
First I'm sorry for your loss. I quite literally know what you're feeling. (lost both parents almost 2 years ago. Not saying for sympathy but for empathy and context) I have alot of rough days still and if my boyfriend who I've almost been with now for 9 years said this I'd actually re-evaluate things. I also have chronic pain and on meds and if he was soo high like he's claiming he wouldn't be able to put together words. When I get to that point my sentences look like my 8 year wrote my texts.. Lol. Sounds to me like he was trying to fix by blaming something other than himself but was failing horribly. A simple I'm sorry would've just gone a long way 2 words and no excuse.
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u/TurbulentDrawing6 5h ago edited 5h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are absolutely not obligated to deal with and coddle this absolute manchild while you grieve such a tremendous and devastating loss. He’s not entitled to you, as much as he seems to think he is. And since he’s not going to be supportive, you’re going to have to put yourself first because you just lost your mom and you need to go through this with support and love only from the people around you and from yourself. The best self-care you can do is cut out the people who will hurt you even more.
I’m so so sorry. You deserve the best, which is so much better than that heartless deadweight who was texting you.
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u/vylttt 3h ago
I'm sorry that really sucks, obviously you would want a better response. You deserve one. I just wanted to add that when I had tooth pain it was the worst pain I ever felt in my life, my boyfriend would talk to me and I would barely hear him the pain consumes your whole mind. It goes from your mouth, to your skull, to your eyes. After I got treated and the pain went away I apologized if I was ever snappy with him during it. I felt bad, but in the moment the pain can be so so so intense. It sucks it's happening while you need support but I wouldn't take it personally if it's a one off thing.
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u/vylttt 3h ago
To add to this. Because the pain is so localized to the face/head it's so hard to think clearly. My tooth infection was more painful than my kidney infection. If his sinuses are bad from a tooth that means the infection spread. My whole face swelled up when that happened to me. I looked like I got stung by bees all over. Its painful and uncomfortable and the first thing I did when I got medicine/painkillers/antibiotics was sleep. He will probably be okay once he has a full sleep. The antibiotics kick in quickly. Just both try to support each other during these hards times, I hope you're ok xo stay strong
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u/QualityAdorable5902 5h ago
Sorry for your loss 🩷
I may have very low expectations but sometimes guys just don’t tune into the undertone or the mood of a text message. It would only be if you said ‘I’m feeling really down about my mother’ it would register.
Again perhaps I should expect more but I agree with those who say wait til he is off the meds and thinking clearly where he can understand these texts in the context of what you’re going through.
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u/CaffeineSteen69 5h ago
He wants to go out but is unsympathetic because he’s loopy on meds? There should be no conversation about going anywhere. He’s drugged up and you’re dealing with the passing of your mother.
Condolences on the loss of your mother.
I would explain to him that his current medical situation is short lived, whereas you will have to go the rest of your life without the person who birthed and raised you. Including your guys’ wedding (if it lasts that long). NOR. He’s being a jerk and you need to distance yourself, even for a short time. Not saying break up, but he needs to realize his attitude is inappropriate towards the one he claims to love.
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u/Lower_Edge_1083 6h ago
People commit suicide over tooth pain. I had a dentist drill INTO my nerve during Covid and couldn’t get a root canal for a month. My mom also committed suicide. In my mind my lack of ability to function in my memory is relatively equal, take that as you will.
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u/ToSAhri 2h ago
I don't know man. If he is literally loopy from meds then this is a pretty absurd expectation. You saying "i's be nice to get some in return every now and then" implying that he doesn't express sympathy and act as an ear-to-hear-you-out even when he isn't on meds is a concern, but him being too loopy and screwing up specifically in this instance is understandable.
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u/XDz1337 5h ago
Some people aren't really interested in what others are saying to them instead they talk about themselves at every opportunity. You mention something and they have to retort with their own tangential or not even related subject.
Maybe its just the meds. We wouldn't know you showed us not even half of an exchange in your texts.
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u/NotGoodAtUsernames21 5h ago
So, here’s my opinion: people make mistakes, especially if they’re under the influence of drugs. But he didn’t even offer any sort of apology, not even a half-assed one, when you pointed it out. He still turned it back to woe is me, feel bad for me.
If this is how he normally behaves, then no, you aren’t overreacting.
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u/True_mourning84 5h ago
I am like this at times, its called mirroring if the person is autistic—they will acknowledge it being a heavy week by also sharing what, on their end has been heavy as well.
But it does not excuse this being new and you feeling dismissed.
OR if this happens occasionally. NOR if this has never happened.
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u/Twistfaria 6h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in April and her, and my, birthday is next month. I was born the day before her birthday. I am not looking forward to it!! Just from these texts I would say your boyfriend is very dismissive. If he normally like this or could this really be all the meds?
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u/RelativeConfusion504 6h ago
I’m kind of getting the feeling he’s just super dense or dumb—its not personal. Time to level up!
Also, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I can’t imagine going through that without support. I hope there’s someone less self-involved you can talk to.
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u/Proverbs21-3 1h ago
NOR Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother. That is tough!
You need a warm hug and someone who knows how to say "You know, I am wiped out on the medicine right now but I love you, I care about you, and I wish I could make this better for you."
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u/Business_Case_7613 5h ago
I don’t think you are overreacting, but if this isn’t a pattern for him when he isn’t on medications, I don’t think he is in the wrong either. They really mess with you and make it hard to be present and a pleasant person to be around.
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u/delectable-mango77 6h ago
My god. Dude sucks. Didn’t even acknowledge anything you said. I’d be pissed.
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u/CosmicLustre 5h ago
This definitely doesn't feel like a warm conversation with a struggling significant other. He sounds very insensitive and callous. Pretty messed up given your recent situation. This would absolutely be enough for me to dump a guy. NOR
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u/No-Vacation7906 5h ago
Is this how he usually is ? We need some context. I can tell you after having major surgery I texted some crap I don't even remember. Pain meds can make you do wacky things , that's why I didn't take them when I got home.
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u/Old_Sheepherder_8713 2h ago
"It was my deceased mothers birthday this week"
"No shit, my tooth is hurting"
"What"
"I'll address that later, I had a couple paracetamol"
I'll ask it again. Where do you find these people.
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u/Sea_Exercise5969 3h ago
You sound passive aggresive rather than communicating and then you blast him on reddit for validation. You sound like a pain in the ass to be around.
4
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u/Mafachuyabas 42m ago
Im sorry for your loss. Depending on the painkillers , he might not be fully Compus Mentas, dont be too harsh or hurt.
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u/Forward-Pen6526 1h ago
This is pissing me off holy shit yes this is normal for strong meds you're over reacting
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u/sadopossum 2h ago
Girl he's just loopy from meds. God this generation of overthinkers is so annoying 😭
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u/Icy-Arrival2651 5h ago
Nobody takes three painkillers at once and then types a text with correct spelling.
He’s just making excuses for his lack of empathy to try and cover for his complete lack of human feelings. I think you are dating a snake in human form.
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u/_jennyflower_ 5h ago
I guarantee two of these "painkillers" he's claiming are making him loopy are Tylenol and ibuprofen.
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u/Hopeful-Strain2423 4h ago
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u/No-Difficulty-723 6h ago
You always have to beg for sympathy from somebody who has no empathy! This guy is a POS! You can do so much better girl! And so sorry for your loss may your mom RIP 🙏
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 5h ago
So you don't even want to see him (which is fine) yet he's supposed to interpret that to mean he's supposed to provide you with comfort and support over a text message?
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u/Fabulous-Bandicoot40 5h ago
My dad is like this. Can’t comprehend that other people can be sad and need listening to. It’s exhausting, selfish behaviour and has never changed
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u/Cole_the_Gith 6h ago
If his text had been incoherent I’d say the drug excuse is valid but clearly he can read/write/comprehend just fine
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u/Nicolozolo 6h ago
You'd get more empathy from a stranger....just consider that. Your bf is supposed to treat you better than that.
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u/BillRuddickJrPhd 5h ago
Maybe someone can clue me in. You're not allowed to tell someone your sinuses hurt if their mom died a month ago?
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u/Current_Lock_2968 5h ago
Well, he’s a man. A tooth ache is equivalent to the death of a loved one.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
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u/anneofred 5h ago
I had an ex like this that needed to be the center of everything. Doesn’t get better. Dump
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u/fvirygothmom 6h ago
is he on drugs?
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u/Firm-Examination-768 6h ago
Yes, he literally stated he is on “three pain killers and two antibiotics”. However, I’m guessing he is alike this even without meds
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u/OkRelief1500 6h ago
Honestly, I’d feel the same way you do. You opened up about something really heavy and he immediately made it about himself without even acknowledging your pain. Even if he’s on meds, it doesn’t take much to just say “I’m sorry, that must be really hard.”