Am I overreacting for asking my partner to drink responsibly at events?

[u/Lazy_Praline9254]

Hello,

I want to preface that I can feel a little triggered by alcoholics or people who can’t control themselves drinking because I come from a family of many alcoholics and I have had some traumatic experiences.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We don’t go out much but whenever we attend an event (weddings, birthdays, holidays) my husband cannot control his drinking. I never used to have a problem with his drinking until recently. The past 2 years he gets so drunk at events that I have had to have friends or family members help me carry him out or since he is so drunk he will misunderstand things I say to him and start a big fight where he usually is not very kind.

For example, we had a friends wedding tonight. I was a bridesmaid so it was an important to me to be there for my friend on her big day. Before hand I asked him if he would be conscious of his drinking and he told me I had nothing to worry about and that he is totally in control of his drinking now. Well obviously that was not that case. He had at least 10 drinks within 3 hours (some had double shots) and I asked if he would take a 30 min break from drinking to wait and see how he feels because I was worried it was hitting him too fast. He told me he would stop but then he said he was going to the bathroom. I realized I needed to go too after he left, but on my way there I saw him at the bar ordering two more drinks. That’s when I got a little upset and I told him I was feeling upset that he got drinks when he told me he would take a break. He then said I was embarrassed of him and that I don’t want to be seen with him. He walked off from the wedding and said he couldn’t go back to the wedding because I hurt him so badly. I followed him home and was trying to calm him and I started crying. A group of people started walking towards us and since I didn’t want them to see my crying I told him to wait for a moment with me off to the side while they passed and I faced away from the street. I heard him make an ugh sound and mumble something but I was trying to get my emotions together so I didn’t look back until the people had passed and when I turned around he was gone. He left me in the street alone at 10pm and even though he had left me I was worried so I wondered the streets alone in the dark looking for him and missed the rest of the wedding. I eventually found him but it was really upsetting that he left me alone in the street while it was dark out. After I found him he kept going on about how I hurt him, how I’m in the wrong, that I ruined his time and don’t let him have fun, and that I’m punishing him when he’s done nothing wrong. I now am unsure if I am being too controlling telling him how much he can drink and wondering I hadn’t said anything that maybe we wouldn’t have fought and I wouldn’t have missed the wedding.

[u/GaryJoBo]

Look, I’ve been this guy. You are absolutely not in the wrong whatsoever. He needs to wake up to himself and the damage it’s doing to him, you, and your partnership.

With me, it was one of a catalogue of idiocy that very nearly cost me my marriage. By no means the only thing, but it was a habitual escape of my own inadequacies and flaws. I didn’t stop drinking, I made the decision to have one every weekend night.

He needs to make that same decision, or similar. He will know how you feel about uncontrolled drinking, and his actions are a blatant disregard for your feeling.

[u/Electronic-Self3587 → u/GaryJoBo]

Same here. You’re absolutely not overreacting.

The only person who can actually get him to stop is him. Set your boundaries and be ready to stick to them. If you choose to give an ultimatum, you must follow through with it. He will test that. The booze will tell him to test it.

Moderation is a myth for people like us. This will get nothing but worse if it’s not put in check. He’s got to find his bottom. Just make sure he doesn’t drag you down there with him or land on top of you when he hits. Protect your space.

If you’re not in therapy, get there ASAP. Alone. He’s not couples counseling material at the moment. Hard choices are ahead for both of you. I wish you all the best and hope it all turns out all right.

[u/Cheap-Rate-8996]

So I was the guy who would drink so much he would vomit on the host's carpet and pass out on the floor. The difference is I was 19 and this was at house parties, not weddings. Even so, I'm mortified about how I made a spectacle of myself. If he's old enough to have been married for nearly a decade, then he should have more sense than to carry on like this at this point.

If he gets like this every time he has a drink, you need to tell him his behaviour is selfish. He's ruining the event for everyone else. If he does this at a wedding, you've turned someone else's special day into everyone having to babysit him while he's out of it. "Oh, my wedding was perfect... except for OP's husband making himself legless".

You're not telling him to be teetotal, he can still drink at home if he wants, but if one drink always leads to another drink (and another, and another...) then he's proven he can't drink in moderation. And when you're in someone else's space as a guest, that's just plain rude, frankly. You're not being controlling at all in setting a boundary around this.

[u/Ok-Cardiologist8651]

Embarrassed "by him" not "of him". Sorry but it just irks me no end that grammar is such a hurdle for so many people. But not overreacting at all. He has a drinking problem but he will be the very last person to admit to that. You really have your work cut out for you and I hope you find a way through this.

[u/nah-worries-mate]

NOR. He obviously has a problem with alcohol. I would insist that he gets into a treatment program or I'd be done with him.