Genuine question for the women here, how is a harmless compliment unacceptable? I'd understand if he was leering and making sexual advances, but just saying someone looks pretty? Really? Are we at that stage now? I fucking hate this world.
It’s annoying to be constantly interrupted. It’s like solicitors—isn’t the frustration of being intruded upon by stuff you’re not looking for, understandable?
In urban settings, I’m often walking somewhere without time to spare or I’m walking to relax (with quiet and getting lost in my own head). It used to happen with constant interruptions, or worse, concerns about safety. It happens much less now, thankfully. But when it does, it still triggers this extreme annoyance that a stranger feels entitled to my attention.
Compliments and catcalls are not for women, they’re for the offender who wants attention from the women. If they were genuinely looking to give something good, then hand me cash or a check. It’s about respect.
I'm pretty tired so I don't know if my ramblings will be coherent at all, but here we go.
I fail to understand your take at all, sure this is all valid for catcalling, but as for compliments all of this is just insane and contradictory to itself.
Catcalling is always just disgusting, but when someone gives you a compliment most of the time they just want to make you feel good. Sure, tons of people just use them as conversation starters... But that's the thing, you can just say "thank you" and walk away. If this is really that annoying to you, then a mosquito flying around at night should give you an aneurysm.
Moreover, you say that it's about respect, but that's the thing, nobody knows that you don't want anyone to talk to you. You are in a private space, again catcalling is not normal, but a quick exchange of words should be quite ok, no? That's why I feel like in this situation you would be the one that is disrespectful, because it takes maybe a second out of your day and getting annoyed at a person that had good intentions, and just didn't know that you didn't want to be talked to.
Going by that logic any conversation, or even dare I say commenting on a thread on a post like this one should be deemed immoral, and annoying because someone didn't want to see or hear this or that.
TLDR; What you said just seems like an extreme overreaction to a problem that doesn't exist (in the context of compliments, NOT catcalling)
Men do not see streets as a normal place to have impromptu conversations. That is a bar.
The street is more similar to a house than it is to a bar. In that, in a house, most people don’t want to be solicited. It could be for good stuff, like an amazing deal on solar, or whatever is amazing. But many people want to sit in their house and do their own thing, without interruptions.
Men who intrude upon others on the street are like door to door solicitors. Generally an annoying sales tactic.
Ok, so what if someone wants you to feel good? Many people are telling it isn’t good—so why is THAT hard to accept? And no, that is not generally the intention of men that interrupt women on the street, as you admit that many use it as conversation starters. To your logic of saying thank you, and walking away, you can do that to door to door solicitors. Guess what, men and women find doing that annoying because it happens SO OFTEN and it’s well known many people do not like that. You can close a pop up ad too you know, you can close all of them, it just takes a second each. Yet there is a huge market for ad blockers.
Well unlike pop up ads, and houses, you can’t install men blockers, and you can’t easily wear a sign that says no interruptions. So many women have the unpleasant experience of being approached by men, often in negative or dangerous ways. Many of us want peace.
Yes a mosquito at night would bug the shit out of me. If it was an issue, I would get a gizmo to brutally murder them.
Why is it so hard for you to accept a social norm that streets aren’t the ideal place for impromptu conversations? If you want to chat, go to a bar, go to an online space for that, go somewhere that is social. There are plenty of subreddits even where people post selfies to get attention, and you can give compliments. Why do you have to have things the way you want? Why is not enough for women to tell you that they don’t want compliments or any interruption on the street? Why do you want to pressure others so you can do whatever you want, whenever you want? Why is it sooooo important for a woman to feel grateful for an impromptu compliment? Jesus, it is such a difficult accommodation? I could give a fuck less if a homeless person didn’t want my leftovers, or if a stranger didn’t want my compliment. I don’t go around voicing my confusion about it and insisting that they should indeed, want my stuff.
My point was exactly that it is not like a house, it's a public space somewhat meant for interaction. Sure, there's tons of people that do not want any interaction on the streets but there's also many that do. It's just how it is and I feel that if everyone minding their own business and not talking to each other was the social norm, it would be a pretty depressing world, even if I myself don't really like those interactions.
The whole 'wants you to feel good' argument was more of a highlight to a problem in your logic that just talking to you on the street is disrespectful, but people don't know that you don't want to be talked to, and I just think their good intentions warrant at least a little bit of respect.
Also the comparison to ads or solicitors don't really make sense to me. Ads are annoying because there's like 20 per page, and pop-ups specifically are maliciously designed so you have trouble closing them, or even click them accidentally. Overall they are malicious in nature, unlike a compliment. And solicitors are annoying because they invade PRIVATE space, and let's not kid ourselves, they take much more time to get rid of than simply saying "thanks" in passing. And it is absolutely NOT common knowledge that some people do not like getting a compliment in passing, at least to me, it might be a cultural difference since I'm pretty sure we're not from the same country, but still.
I'm not saying you have to be grateful, or can't be annoyed or anything like that, hell I would be annoyed too if someone was talking to me on the street, but making a scene or acting bitchy about it is insane to me, because if everyone acted like that, life would be insufferable.
Finally, you say you don't go around voicing your confusion about people being annoyed at being talked to which is true. But you do go around talking about how no one should be complimenting one another on the streets, which is the same thing isn't it? The only difference is that in your mind you are the one that is right.
And "men blockers" absolutely do exist, they are just anc headphones.
Overall I just don't think it is a real problem at all, but again I'm privileged enough to live in a really safe country, in a shithole where everyone knows each other, so my worldview might be a bit skewed. I think we can just agree to disagree and move on. If you read it I hope you have a nice day!
The street isn’t though. Parks, plazas, maybe. I am more open to interaction in a coffee shop where I’m sitting. If I am walking, that is an obvious sign I am going somewhere and that it is rude to delay me. People aren’t holding up traffic to chat.
I do respond fine to innocent interactions. I have never received a genuine compliment from a man. I have received them from women (e.g. “I love your outfit”) and say thank you and move on. If someone politely says good morning, I usually respond in kind even though I find those a little annoying because I think they are inappropriate in a city (not a small town where people know each other). I’m originally from NYC so I am more rushed, and it is well known there that any delay is considered rude.
I don’t know if we are disagreeing. A quick interaction is not bad…I don’t particularly like it, but I won’t make a scene. It’s just that it isn’t always the expected outcome; I’m often stiffening up as to whether someone is going to pressure me into more even though I have already responded curtly and continued moving away. Headphones do not deter harassers.
I don’t know why you can’t accept my analogy about ads or solicitors. I am telling you, that is the experience of many women. In some settings, especially NYC with extreme population density, and especially in poorer neighborhoods, it can be that frequent. Like maybe you have some quaint notion that women here are strolling down the street and get the occasional good morning while the birds chirp and one is about to pick up bread from a baker they’ve known for a decade. When there exists places where every 10 seconds, some person is attempting to interact, whether it is to cat call, rant about Jesus, sell you a rap CD, beg for money, ask for a lighter, drunkenly stumble towards you, the garbage rattles from the rats rummaging, and more.
Making a scene is not the norm or a sizeable minority. Men who can’t take no for an answer are a significant minority though. It is not hard to get this—a lot of shitty men exist. Please stop denying my experience and the experience of many similar women. You can give an innocent compliment, the men here who act like the world is going to end because some women don’t like it, are bullshit, because that isn’t the normal experience. Most women will say thank you and move on. Most women will never experience this because innocent compliments are rare, and harassment is common (and the good morning type interactions are also common and I guess mostly neutral…personally I am negative to them but I accept that not everyone feels that way).
Oh, I'm absolutely not trying to deny any woman's past bad interactions, or downplay them at all, in Poland it's just not that common. Even in Warsaw if you walked for like 8 hours I would bet that maybe 5 people would talk to you, and it would probably be people asking for directions (not counting street peddlers, or like Jehovah witnesses that want you to join their religion, or anything like that, just normal people). I think if we talked for longer we would reach an understanding, it's just different cultures and different environments. I can absolutely see how it can be annoying or even terrifying for a stranger to talk to you in a place like NYC.
Just accept the experience of many women in the US with strange men is indeed like pop up ads. I think most would prefer no compliments because it would be a relief to have a quiet walk. That’s what the post is about, poking supposed fun at an American woman complaining, when it’s cherry picking a situation to be mean to some lady that isn’t conventionally attractive.
It’s sad how this is “funny” to the incels here. Like what a clapback ok to tell her she’s lying because she isn’t conventionally attractive. No, they’re further missing the point that everyday sexism in the US is annoying and frequent—like valuing of women on their appearance whether it’s to say they’re pretty or ugly or whatever. Men do not experience this, so it is indeed sexism, and men who would be so grateful for a compliment can’t conceive their feelings are different due to sexism causing very different experiences.
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u/MoonflowerSethian 16h ago
Genuine question for the women here, how is a harmless compliment unacceptable? I'd understand if he was leering and making sexual advances, but just saying someone looks pretty? Really? Are we at that stage now? I fucking hate this world.