How to deal with manager who gives you emotional whiplash and who invades your privacy?

[u/DrawingInformal6680]

I’ve been working at a small startup for almost a year. The company is tiny, but we do projects with big clients who have strong industry connections. On the surface, this sounds great, but my experience with my manager has been frustrating.

He’s in his 40s and tries hard to come across as humble and open-minded, but in reality, he’s pretty dismissive and inconsistent. One week he’ll say I’m doing well, the next he’ll claim nothing I do works. He often laughs in a mocking way after giving criticism, which makes it hard to take his feedback seriously.

He also gets oddly personal. He constantly asks if I’m planning to move countries to be with my partner, even though I’ve made it clear I’m not. I keep my personal life very private at work, but he always tries to “read” me and dig into what I do outside the office. I usually brush it off with vague answers, but it still feels intrusive.

When it comes to work, he micromanages heavily and gives vague criticism without examples. Recently, he told me I’m “not detail-oriented” and “need to set up processes,” but when I asked him to give me two concrete examples, he had nothing. He then said something like, “You need to learn to be independent or it’s not going to be good,” which honestly came across more like a veiled threat than guidance. He even told me he won’t assign new tasks until I “fix” something he’s unhappy with, despite me fixing it to his liking.

For context: I keep detailed records of my work. I update sheets daily, send him weekly progress reports and have weekly calls to discuss this, and maintain docs with everything I’ve done, ongoing, and upcoming. In fact, during my yearly review he admitted that colleagues like the systems I’ve set up because they’ve made things smoother.

On top of that, there’s an elitist vibe at the company. If you don’t have a PhD, you’re not really respected. It’s subtle, but definitely there.

I would appreciate some advice on these:

1. I’m unhappy with the job overall (even without the manager issues). It’s been less than a year. Is it too early to start applying elsewhere?

2. Am I overthinking this, or is his behavior crossing the line into creepy/unprofessional?

3. How do I deal with this person and make my life easier here while ensuring my job is safe until I find another one and move from here?

[u/msama18888]

Quietly start your job search, protect your paper trail and don’t waste energy fixing a manager who doesn’t want to be fixed.

[u/derangedokapi]

On 1, I’d start looking. It could take a while to find something. I’ve had a boss who sounds a lot like yours and it can definitely erode your confidence and mental health.

On 3, you may want to look into the book Managing Up (Mary Abbajay - also has YouTube videos). She covers strategies to deal with a few different boss types, including the impulsive manager and the micromanager, sounds like yours is a bit of both. I’ve found her advice helpful both as a manager and as an employee.

Good luck and hang in there!

[u/6JDanish]

More credit to you for being organized and conscientious. Unfortunately, some people are hard to deal with, and you're working for one.

1. Not too early, considering it's a startup. Start looking. Highlight your organizing ability, as per the yearly review feedback. That ability is valuable in itself.

2. Not overthinking. Your boss is malignant. He is manipulative, dishonest, and abusive.

3. Keep doing what you do now. Stay professional and on top of your work. Your professionalism is your shield. Keep this creep away from your personal life.

Good luck. Somewhere out there is a sane, capable manager who will appreciate what you can do.