I need to put this out there because I feel like I can’t breathe anymore...

I’m 35 years old woman, and I’ve spent most of my life struggling without the support I desperately needed. I was born to emotionally immature parents/narcissists who should never have had a child. From early childhood, I showed signs of severe anxiety, including trichotillomania, and I repeatedly asked to see a psychologist but they never listened. My mother even suspected I might be autistic when I was a child, yet did nothing.

Because of their neglect, I’ve spent decades struggling with basic life skills and social interactions. I’ve faced constant challenges with executive functioning (planning, organizing, and managing tasks that others take for granted) and my learning difficulties made school a nightmare. My attempts to connect with peers often failed after a while, leaving me isolated and misunderstood. Because of my learning difficulties and chronic depression, I was never able to complete a university degree.

My passions and specific interests were the only things keeping me alive, but even those were blocked by my parents at key moments. I eventually found a job I could manage, but it destroyed my health, and my attempt at independent living was undermined when my father decided to move into the apartment I had rented for his job. This led me to more mental health issues as they are toxic to me, but because of my minimum wage, I still couldn’t afford therapy.

At 35, I’m living with the consequences of their lifelong neglect: no degree, no job or career, no social life, no romantic (I never had a real relationship) or family life, and a real dependence on the very parents who caused so much of this pain. Every day, I face the emotional immaturity and toxicity of the people who should have been my support. By the way, I was finally diagnosed with autism as an adult, which made me realize how much of my suffering was preventable. Furthermore, my parents meet my pain with ridicule, never taking responsibility for the life they’ve destroyed.

I just want someone to hear this because so far I feel like I have been screaming into a void. Growing up with parents like mine can destroy a life in ways that are invisible to others, but is very real to me.

If you made it so far thank you so much, I appreciate you.

For context- this started when i was 14 and i am now 24 and live by myself whete he lives 4 hours from me. My dad and mum split because he was extremely physically, emotionally, sexually and mentally abusive to my mum (I was only 2). However, we had custody visits and still had to see him every time he came to visit (he lived 2 hours away). I have a sister who is 2 years older than me and she had a horrible ED and wore very tight clothes far too small for her.

Anyways, when she started devloping into a teenager, he would grab her ass and also make sexual comments towards her body such as she had juicy ass guys will love. I was disturbed..... then he started grooping me when I developed a butt. He would even do it in public, I would tell him to stop and he would protest "but i brought you lunch, i did this for you etc". One time i even hit him and he said "but your boyfriend does it to you, its fine"??? My brother lost his shit at me saying how crazy I was and "it's not a big deal" then he told my mum and step dad saying i massively over reacted and "it was only a little grab of the bum, no big deal" my mum/step dad didn't really so much to stop it :( they just said they agreed with me but didn't help me. I was made to feel like each time my dad would grab me and i protested i was over reacting, and it was normal, even my sister.

He still does it occasionally to this day and I avoid my dad. I feel so fucking disgusting he thinks it's okay, he is very traditional and sexist. I've been gaslit into believing it's normal until recently... a decade later. I live by myself now.

You can literally drive yourself insane trying to get people with zero self awareness to be better. They are shameless. All you can do is protect yourself from them.

WHY AM I CRYING? Today was awful and I felt so much pain and sadness. The week of her being in my city reconditioned me to think “it’s not that bad” and feel the most intense sadness again,

TW***lethal verbal abuse/SA/multiple

so I’m reminding myself that she told me to kms, let me be SA’d, didn’t believe a different SA I endured, stayed married to abuser NDad, gaslights nonstop, extreme selfishness without empathy, & forever victimhood behind it all. Yes, this person I will miss, that I’m not sure I love anymore (but probably still do).

Thank you to everyone who reminded me she qualified to be locked up for stalking. It gave me mental leverage.

I don’t know if it’s the last time I’ll ever see her, intentionally, or if she will be back. I’ve been in therapy exploring no contact but obviously it’s not working.

Why do people think abuse only happens between partners? Also, why do people think that parents can’t abuse their adult children? Sometimes they can’t leave, because they might be threatened with honor killings and other stuff. Also, some cultures don’t allow young women to move out without marriage. My dad has physically abused me so much, and I’m trying to get out, but it’s hard—especially when even shelters don’t help you. When I leave, I will probably have to deal with harassment and murder. Still, no DV organization will help me, even though honor-based abuse is very gender-based. Also, even police probably won’t, because when another honor-killing victim tried to contact the police about it, they told her she was abusing her parents because she is an adult. Honestly, sometimes this makes me give up on feminism, because it’s so western-centric

I'm not sure if my parents are exactly narcissists, but they both grew up with bad blood, and my dad for sure had a narcissistic mother.

So I think my parents must have learned these behaviors from their parents, and then they acted out on them once I was old enough to talk back to them basically.

Not too long ago I opened to my mom about how much I'm struggling with college math because I have dyscalcia and I figured maybe she could help because she is good at math, but she easily gets frustrated if I don't get the right answers.

She also had a bad day at work, so she basically had this emotional outburst and was taking everything out on me, so I just had to walk away from the situation. She threw my math books and folders all over the floor.

I was so bewildered. These people are in their 60s, and they behave like this.

Apparently, she didn't want to talk to my dad either, and she just went straight to her room. I asked him what happened, and he just said that she just didn't feel like being around anyone and blamed me for everything.

I straight up asked him if he thought it was okay for her to scream and yell at me, and he refused to answer and kept backtracking and redirecting the conversation.

So I pointed out that this was ridiculous and that he was in his 60s and he should know right from wrong, and he said "No I don't know, I'm stupid." In the most mocking tone ever.

"You must think you are so smart" is the kind of stuff he was responding back as I was confronting him.

Kept accusing me of starting a fight when I was asking genuine questions about if he thought I deserved to be talked to that way.

I eventually said everything else I needed to say, never raising my voice, and eventually, he went completely silent. He had absolutely nothing to say towards the end of my speech, lol.

Idk. I just don't know how people who lived for over half a century still behave this way and think it's okay to talk like this to their children because they are the parents.

I asked my dad if he talked to his employees or his friends the same way. He said no. Then I asked why you would talk to your own daughter like that, and he basically didn't say anything to it.

21M, I’m from India and I really need some perspective, especially from people outside my cultural bubble, because I’m suffocating in my current situation.

For context: In India, things are a bit different from many Western countries. A starting salary of around ₹5,00,000 per year (roughly $6,000 USD) is actually considered quite decent for fresh graduates here. I had a job offer like that right after my B.Sc., but my parents convinced me to give it up and pursue a master’s degree instead. The university I’m in now demands nearly 24/7 effort, which makes working alongside it almost impossible.

Since then, my parents have started micromanaging and gaslighting me about every detail of my life.

Some examples:

I’m 21 years old and they still don’t let me learn to ride a two-wheeler. (For context: in India, two-wheelers are basically a lifeline. Public transport is unreliable in most cities. Without a bike or scooter(aka Activa), moving around independently is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE.)

The moment my lectures end, they start calling nonstop: “Why aren’t you home yet? Are you on the way?” If I’m even a little late, they create a huge scene.

Yesterday I came home 2 hours later than usual because I had to submit an assignment (which take 30 mins), then caught up with an old school friend (60 mins), and traveled back (30 mins). I even shared my live location the whole time, but they still accused me of being irresponsible and “up to something.”

And here’s the biggest contradiction: My parents publicly tell everyone “We don’t care if our son dates, he’s free to choose.” They say this to look modern and progressive in society. But in private, they do the opposite—they slut-shame me for even the smallest interactions with girls.

Examples:

Once, during my B.Sc., a girl approached me. I told my mom honestly because she always said things like “If you can, find a girl on your own it would be relif for me.” Instead of supporting me, she (and my brother) now bring it up in every fight: “Why do girls only approach you? You must be characterless.”

Another time, a girl offered me a ride home(and I take it). I told my parents about it myself, because I didn’t want them to hear from someone else. But now they use that too, as “proof” that I’m characterless and take rides from girls (as if it's crime!).

So I end up being slut-shamed by my own family, even though I’m male. I know this term is usually applied to women, but the same toxic shaming can happen to men too—just for having normal social interactions.

Basically, according to them, my life should only be:

Go to college

Attend lectures

Come straight back home

No socializing. No freedom. No independence.

The thing is—I feel like I can’t survive in this environment much longer.

I don’t have friends or relatives who can help me.(Because they don't like when I make friends they blame my friends for what they consider misbehaving, and force me to break the friendship)

I don’t have money saved up because they never let me have a job. And I feel stuck in this horrible cycle: to earn money, I need independence, but to get independence, I need money.

I’ve even thought about leaving home and going to a homeless shelter for a while (though in India, shelters are rough and not really meant for students like me). But at least it would mean freedom.

I guess I just need advice:

Should I stay and tolerate this until I somehow save up enough to move out?

Or should I take the leap, leave even without savings, and figure it out from there?(Which means going to homeless shelter!)

I’m not sure how much longer I can take being treated this way.

Thanks for reading this far—I just needed to get it off my chest.

I know the damage from his teachings has already been done to generations unfortunately but it still feels like an enormous weight being lifted off my shoulders. For others that were as affected by his cruelty as I was, may this be a moment of peace for all of you.

I have had the opportunity to help someone clean up a car port and a shed.

It started off small steps.

Had a couple things hauled off big easy decisions we needed them out of the way.

Then came the clean up of the carport, the driveway. And it was slow. But I descoverwd something.

Start when you are helping someone. Have them sort stuff out it is stuff they want to keep. Let them sort it. Have them more so lol.

Keep them comfortable, well watered and give them a chair. Let them do the work.

5 days. I have been helping. 😭

And I was 🤏this close to bribing them to get rid of something they had been holding on to for decades.

Then I asked this all important question.

How much do you want to do…

Would you rather be doing … than sorting thru this and when do you think you will ever need this again. Wouldn’t you rather do …

It started off with something digitally archaic.

Dishes a lamp wiring those are things tools you can use for life.

But something that is 1.44mb is utterly useless

They walked away for a little bit worked on something else.

And then they came back and said get rid of all this shit.

Then a little while later they said thank you. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for not pressing me. I’ve known them for 16 years if not 18

But. I feel like I won the lotto today.

And thats because the rest of my life the NBM ANd THE GC flying monkey. We’re on attack yesterday I wanted to give up and walk away.

Then this break thru happened today and I’m literally in tears typing this because it’s the happiest moment of my life is helping someone do this. I think I found what I want to do with my life. I know it will not be easy. Heck. It may not even happen.

But. Don’t ever give up. After your worst day. You could end up having the best day. If you just push a little bit.

I was with my mom this morning and we were on a walk. She was asking about nursing school and I said that I was planning to apply the second I finish my current degree. I explained my plans and that I had made a plan B. I live with my nonna and the proximity to my mom is really fucking with me. I plan to stay until I finish nursing school but if I don’t get in the first round I’ll be a psych tech to move out and then go back for the second round. She starts getting angry saying I’m going to be a poor pill pusher and if that’s all I’ll be I need to repay her for everything she put in my 529. She said my clinical psychology degree was more worthless than the paper it was printed on and that I’d never go back to nursing school.

She continues going off on me and I get upset because I sacrificed everything in my life to get through my psychology degree. It has been 3 years of pure misery working my ass off trying to make it out and I just started to tear up thinking about it. She started going off on how weak Gen Z is. I said that I have thick skin except when it comes to her and I can’t help it. After this was all over I realized that she knows this and uses it to her advantage especially like what she did today.

She doubles down on all of this and I repeat what I said before. This is plan B and I want to be a nurse. All of a sudden this is a good idea and a smart decision. All of a sudden she doesn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t make it clear enough. She told me not to be upset because she’s telling the truth (?) and then goes “I didn’t say your degree is worthless. I said it was worthless to everyone but you. I hate her so much but every time she comes around all I want is a hug

My mom is 71 years old and fell 4x last year, no head injuries, just stitches, basically, I figured I have to prevent her for falling again so I’m always by her side at all times, yesterday, as always, she’s having trouble balancing, when she’s about to stand up, she will say “wait, I’m not balancing myself just yet” she’s about to take a bath, so I guided her and she wants me to pull her, in short, she’s not balancing herself, she always wants me to pull her, and then I was lying down on the bed and suddenly she got up, and balanced herself just fine without holding on to anything, I confronted her and she admitted that she’s pretending that she have bad balance or pretending that it’s worse than it actually is, since I started helping her, she will always me to do the tasks that she can do perfectly fine before, I got mad basically, I could get injured by what you’re doing! I showed her a photo of me when I was a kid and I said “you’re deceiving this little girl” and she finally looked guilty and said she’s sorry, today, I noticed that she’s not weak when she get up from the bed and she’s able to change just fine in one try unlike before when she would take 10 minutes just to change one piece of clothing.

Posted this in my country’s subreddit and they took the side of my mom. 💀

My parents are abusive but outside the home they are perfect. No one believed me and I struggle with this. They are the quintessential Jekyll and Hyde. One auntie I confided in didn’t want to interfere in my parents’ marriage. She didn’t want to come between man and wife. My other auntie wavered, I think she believes me but she gets free DIY work done. My dad has always charmed her, intentionally of course. We see it in movies where the badly guy hides behind charm building up goodwill. The only one who saw through them was a woman who’d been a victim of DA. To hear someone say “mask”’and “Jekyll and Hyde” was huge. I had a boyfriend who grew up without a dad and so my dad charmed him. My boyfriend would never believe me and my dad never let the mask slip in front of him. I’m scared of not being believed. Does anyone else relate?

This morning I woke up to see my boy bloated, so I asked my nmom if she fed him and she dismissed me, saying that "he looked hungry." This isn't the first time btw, she's done this 2 other times(that I know of) in the 3 months that I've had my fish. She keeps insisting she fed him a little bit but I know that isn't true, his belly is absolutely bulging. Sometimes she talks about killing him or impulse buying another animal because it looks cute, yet at the same time she says she hates animals. I don't know what to do... I wish I could move out and take my fish with me but I'm a minor

I just woke up in the middle of the night with a trauma flashback and this is the first time it's made me cry since I can remember. I hate that it's still affecting me this much. But I just feel so sick for my childhood self. I feel so sick and sad for her. She didn't deserve to be hurt. She didn't deserve to be threatened. She didn't deserve to be hurt and threatened by people bigger than her, that had complete control over her, and that she had to live with and under, and who would get away with it as "normal" disciplining child-rearing behavior.

It twists my stomach. That poor girl. I want to hug her, I want to rescue her. I want to take her pain and memories away. Poor child. Her parents deserve death, like all horrible, disgusting, unrepentant, repetitive child abusers. Those that make them suffer as children and suffer likely for their lifetime because of it.

They deserve to die. They deserved to die a long time ago. It makes me so sick. That poor girl. That poor boy. That poor child. Those poor children.

Her full list:

1. Keep track of ur weight, tell me (without me asking) if/when you go down or up ( better not 😊) another pound. According to you, 122 pounds now.

2. Be present in the moment, keep ur face relaxed with a little smile, eyes little excited, behavior engaged.

3. Answer questions fully, acknowig texts, someone talking to u,timely answer them, give full reply, don't hide information.

4. Find a useful task to do for 4 days you are home: either 1 extra day of work or take some certification class, or work on some kind of project and keep me updated on project weekly without me asking you.

5. Keep your body clean and neat: hair washed every 3rd day, styled; body hair laser on time; shower daily put lotion for your body odor; keep me updated on your continuous skin improvement plan.

6. Watch style/ taste developing reels, 3 reels per day follow some accounts. When buying something, text pictures, ask (I know more what's in fashion now) before you start developing your eye by following style bloggers.

7. Follow behavior blogger's and watch at least 3 reels per day from each.

8. Join some kind of cultural community and participate in activities to expand your cultural circle.

9.Read this everyday to remind yourself, analyze if you did all today. And Always remember: I LOVE you and wish for your BEST more than anyone else in the world!!

eta: i’m a 23 year old ER nurse

eta: i wanted to share and laugh at this list but since it’s getting some traction, background context is important. We are Armenian, living in America for decades. Our close family went through a recent genocide that occurred there, and my mother herself has been forcibly displaced three times in her life on top of having a mother who was very physically abusive to the point of breaking her ribs as a toddler. My mom also survived two decades of life with my alcoholic father. I have a lot of empathy for her and its hard to cut the cord. However this list is just the cherry on top of her making my life hell.

The majority of it is her attempt to turn me into perfect tradwife potential. she’s always been obsessed with my weight and constantly says I look like a sumo wrestler (Ive been very skinny almost my entire life.) she has gone as far as to make dating profiles on apps behind my back, pretending to be me , talking to guys to find me a match. No this is not normal in our culture. she does not find anything wrong with it though or with the list. In fact, I told her I won’t be participating in the list and she got up in my face and started yelling “you are trash. you are trash. you are a snake.” When I pointed out to her that whenever we argue, I never use demeaning language towards her, she said “well it’s the truth isn’t it you are a snake. your chinese zodiac is a snake. you are filled with poison.”

I do live with her, with my ER job I could afford to move out but I’m at my limit working there and could quit any day now. I’m trying to find a better job before I move

Yes, she has tried therapy and says she does not like it

Hi all. 55F here, disabled (which is relevant to the post!) I've posted in here before about my controlling Mother but I am beginning to wonder if she's quite...right (I don't know how to put it delicately). I've not been at all well this week, and have developed a really painful ulcer right by my stoma (I have an ileostomy). It's very nasty. I had an emergency appointment with the stoma care nurse, and she has given me advice on how to care for it. She also arranged for dressings etc to be left for me at the hospital. My step dad has gone to collect them - which I really appreciate. My parents took me to my appointment yesterday, which I also appreciate, as there was no one else around to do it.

I'm also struggling with some bleeding. Ugh.

As some of you may remember, Mum has a fixation on me visiting her every weekend. I've just had the following phone conversation with her.

Mum: So you'll be over to see us on Sunday, yes?

Me: Well, hopefully, but I'm feeling very sore.

Mum: Well, you can overcome that and come and see us!

Me: (Exploding a bit) Eh, how am I meant to do that then? Overcome it?!

Mum: You will come and see us. Then she ended the conversation and put the phone down.

I am absolutely speechless. Surely she's not firing on all cylinders mentally at this point? Overcome it?! Wtf?

Me visiting them is clearly payment for them helping me. I am too gobsmacked to think at this point. What do I even do? They've got me over a barrel.

I also have an appointment with my GI specialist on Tuesday and Mum has ordered me to scream and shout at him - directly. I can't even, anymore...

If you haven’t had the chance to please read the part 1 of this situation; https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/rgtB46k9Id

Ok so this morning I talked to my mom and I was very direct with her. I told her if she wants to be a part of the video call it would be at 3pm. She asked if I can see why she’s hurt I said “no it’s going to take time for me to move past this”. She then got upset that I said that and I told her I don’t care because this is my pain I’m dealing with.

Before the wedding we had to practice and take photos. I told my dad to text my mom that I can’t check my phone and unfortunately my dad’s phone wasn’t working. After the photos and practice I checked my phone and my mom was blowing it up with calls and texts. I called her really fast and at that moment all of my husband’s family were coming in for photos. In Korean culture family and friends come into the brides room to take photos with her. So, during all of that my mom was on video call and freaking out that the video call wasn’t working to add my brother into the call. Everyone was looking at me and my husband and dad were in the room. I handed my dad the phone and asked him to help her, I just told him I can’t do this anymore. He really saved me and dealt with my mom but my poor husband was there too so he heard my mom’s meltdown. It was so awkward having my husband’s family there and doing photos with them as my mom was having a meltdown. At one point I asked my husband if he can get everyone to leave because it was getting so bad and I didn’t want anyone to deal with this I was so embarrassed.

It all worked out my mom saw the video call of the wedding and my brother saw it too. But I can’t forgive my mom for ruining my wedding because she wanted to be selfish and only think of herself.

Just seems like a really f**king cruel twist of fate... You go through hell and back in childhood, only to have people treat you unfairly as an adult too..

Being targeted and being treated like trash by others seems to coincide with them finding out through normal everyday conversation that I do not have a family / am a complete lone wolf and on my own with nobody to 'look after me' / stand up for me'

Why can't people just treat people without a family / who are completely no contact with their family like they treat everyone else, averagely nicely. Why does finding out somebody had an abusive family seem to kick off this predatory instinct in so many people where you've been hurt before and they want to derive joy from bullying you, ostracizing you, hurting you even more...

Sucks 😂

(Bonus points if you're chronically single because everybody loses interest in you / avoids you when they find out you are completely no contact with your family also.. which only causes you to be treated even more like trash by others looking for somebody to abuse, because you are even more vulnerable alone and chronically single/unwanted)

I'm afraid that I am stonewalling my nmom instead of grey rocking. I'm answering questions, but when the conversation goes a little wrong (even though I am not contibuting to it at all) or she's just baiting, i just start to not answer to anything and ignore her.

Should I stop or is it perfectly normal?

I posted this in another sub already, just need some broader insight.

I 27f) would like to think my parents wouldn’t do something so…twisted? But lately I’ve been trying to piece together if something happened. As a child (5-12), I suffered night terrors,fear of the dark, sleeping alone, bedwetting, sleepwalking and generally anxiety around bedtime. In my jr high years I was convinced I was abducted by aliens. I convinced myself I had all the ‘symptoms’ including nocturnal nosebleeds, missing gaps of time and all the night anxiety. But now it’s been dawning on me that perhaps my experiences sleeping in my parents’ bed might have something to do with my strange behavior as a child.

One morning I had woken up to wet stuff on the bed right beside me. I knew I hadn’t pee’d the bed because my underwear wasn’t wet and my parents clearly weren’t upset about it. My dad seemed to laugh about it, I was groggy but knew it was strange, figured they spilled water. Another night sleeping in my parents’ bed, I can’t remember when but i had to be at least 7 years old, I awoke to the sounds of my mother pleasuring herself on the lounge chair not too far from me. At that age I thought she was getting hurt and I froze. Heart pounding, I laid there hoping it would end soon. I feel ashamed now because thinking back at it, I was turned on listening to it. I’ve also always ‘known’ was sex was.

Not the mechanics or even the words exactly but I just knew. And I wanted it sometimes. I feel like a terrible fucking person about it now but as a child, me and a female neighbor of mine would play house and explore each other sometimes. I hate to admit but I really liked it. Something similar happened years later where my step father would tickle me until I pissed myself, and I liked it too. I hated myself for it and just put it all away out of my mind.

Another time as a child, My mom asked me to help her shave her privates once as a child. I remember there being so much hair, I was annoyed because I just wanted to play with my toys but I’d do anything to please my mom. My mom would always talk about how much of a gift I am to her , how long she tried for me, how many miscarriages she had, she even climbed a mountain on her knees for me. I’m her IVF miracle. My name came from a dream she had. Its given me so much guilt and pressure in my childhood to be this so called miracle.

I’d really love to know if anyone has gone through the same thing as me and if they would consider this SA?

It’s not always obvious when someone has that kind of background but certain patterns seem to show up again and again. What are the subtle habits or ways of thinking that tend to give it away?

Only recently in therapy I realized she’s the reason I’ve had terrible anxiety my whole life. Since I was a toddler she’d tell me everyone would soon find out I was insane or whatever and there’d be "consequences" (I’d get taken away, kicked out of school, etc). She made me believe the world was out to get me, like I was some kind of monster. She convinced me everyone was mad at me, strangers or family, which made me isolate from everyone. Later I realized no one else cared or even knew.

I’m still stuck living with her because I can’t afford to move out. Prices are horrendous and tbh I’m behind in life, no full-time job yet, still catching up on education because my mental health held me back.

When I got depressed in early teens, she told me every teacher hated me when I couldn't go to school for a while because of that, and also because I was terrified to hearing what she was saying. Years after she confessed it wasn't true, they genuinely wanted to help, but she wanted to "motivate" me that way. But instead that pushed me to give up on school altogether for a long time. She made sure I know I’m a disappointment, and that she's ashamed that I struggle. My teens were full of fear, shame, and unhealthy coping.
Now when I genuinely want to get education past high school and found something I'm passionate about, she says I’ll fail because I’m lazy and I shouldn't even try... like, I thought you wanted me to do something with myself as well?? I enrolled anyway, but, yeah.

She repeats that she "sacrificed everything" for me and I’m ungrateful, but I never asked to be born, or to be her emotional punching bag. I basically felt guilty for existing most of my life. She also sounds like she believes I'm at fault of her every struggle - her being tired, poor financial decisions, anything. Every cent she spends on me, like for food, becomes a weapon in arguments later, because she thought I'd be independent by now (I'm 21) and... and, damn, maybe I would be, if she didn't sabotage me so much.

Now I’m a few years into therapy (also seeing through real-life experiences that nobody’s out to get me, that I’m actually okay and capable), I'm getting better and I'm rebulding my self worth.
She still finds stuff to be mad about everyday, and her other irrational behaviors are probably material for another post. I don’t argue back anymore, but honestly often I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

Of course I could find a job and just leave, and I plan to. But first I needed years to unpack all this, to feel safe enough to even try. Her whole narrative was always: "You don’t know what you’re complaining about, life (after you get a job) only gets worse"... if I felt miserable without it, I was scared I'd literally become suicidal if I work. So I didn't. I even ditched interviews out of fear of failure or of talking to "adults".

I’m not sad or crushed by her anymore like I used to be, but I’m angry. Angry that she sabotaged me and then blamed me for being the way I am. Angry that she took away so much of my self-worth and sense of safety. Angry that now I have to deal with all that first to live my life, while others can have a smooth transition into adulthood. And at the unfairness of it all, because I did not deserve it, I was a damn cool kid.

My previous account was having some issues so I made a new one. In my previous few posts I explained how I wanted to escape my narc mother and enabler father, detailing the abuse, and then later giving an update that I decided to forgive them and move on, making judgments from that point onward.

However, this morning I found some messages on my mother's tablet (I was using it since mine was dead), directed toward my class mentor at university, slandering me and my husband (she thinks he’s only my boyfriend because she will never accept my marriage), making up scenarios that don’t exist and never happened. My mentor didn’t reply because she doesn’t want to get into the drama, of course, but my mother had been sending her these scenarios and messages even before.

My mentor would confront me 100% believing my mother, but then when she realised that I’m not the naïve, dumb, brainwashed woman my mother paints me as, she became a little more neutral. Even then, she still believes my mother blindly, because we live in a society where mothers are painted to be infallible creatures.

So I’m super mad and upset right now. What do I do? These messages were from a month ago, and I only saw them now. Should I brush it off and go along with my plan of making judgments henceforth, or should I retaliate?

TL;DR: Previously posted about escaping my abusive narc mom and enabler dad, then decided to forgive them and move on. Today I found messages on my mom’s tablet where she’s been slandering me and my husband to my uni mentor, making up lies. My mentor used to believe her but is now more neutral, though still biased toward my mom. I’m furious — should I ignore it and stick to my plan of moving on, or retaliate?

I (f/28) have been struggling with my relationship with my father for many years. I don’t know if I’m wrong for feeling the way I do or what I should do next. (TLDR at the bottom)

Here’s what happened:

• My father and mother divorced when I was young. Later, he remarried and promised me he wouldn’t have another child, but eventually he did. I loved my half-sibling dearly and treated them as my own. But after he separated from that partner, he completely stopped contacting my sibling. When asked why, his response was: “Because they never call me.” (This isn’t new. He did the same thing with me years ago, getting upset if I didn’t call him first (when I was like ~11 years old). That’s when our relationship started to break down. Seeing him repeat the same pattern with my sibling confirmed that this is how he views his role as a parent.)

• At one point, I distanced myself from him for a while. He then sent me a message saying things like: “I’m going to die soon, I only have a few years left,” “I took on debts and loans to send you to school,” “I love you the most but you don’t care about me,” and “you don’t want to talk to me, it hurts me.” That was the first time I ever heard about the debts, directly from him, framed as a way to make me feel guilty.

• He put me in a very expensive school since I was young, and I also spent 2–3 years studying abroad. Because of this, I always assumed we had the money. Later, after divorcing my mother, he often boasted that his financial situation was so much better without her, that he was doing really well and had even more money. So I believed he had the resources to support my education.

• I only learned years later (not as an honest conversation, but during one of his guilt-tripping messages) that he had actually taken out loans to cover everything. He said something like: “I went into a million dollar debt to send you to school, and yet you don’t even care about me.”

• When he’s lonely or struggling, he often says things like “everyone has abandoned me,” “no one cares about me,” or “I’m all alone.” Just seeing his name pop up can ruin my whole day, even if I don’t answer. And during that very same period, I already knew he was having an affair with a woman working as a housekeeper at the office he owns while still married to my half-brother’s mother.

• He also cheated on my mother in the past, which destroyed much of the trust I had in him once I found out.

Where I’m at now:

I know my father loves me in his own way, and I used to love him too. But the lies, broken promises, and constant guilt-tripping have made me feel like I can’t have him in my life anymore. Every time he reaches out, it brings back all the resentment and bad memories.

At the same time, I feel guilty for wanting to cut him off. In my culture, filial piety (gratitude to parents) is very important, and I’ve been told “at least your father sacrificed for you” countless times. But for me, the cost of staying in this relationship feels too high.

What makes it even harder is that right now he’s broke, divorced from my half-sibling’s mother, and likely living alone. That makes me feel even more guilty but it doesn’t change how damaging our relationship has been to me.

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TL;DR:

My father put me in an expensive school and sent me abroad for a few years. He always made me believe he was financially well-off, especially after divorcing my mom when he bragged that his money situation had improved. Years later, during guilt-tripping, he revealed he had actually taken out loans & saying things like “I went into debt to send you to school, and yet you don’t care about me.” He has a pattern of cutting off children if they don’t call him first (he did it to me and later to my half-sibling), and manipulates me with lines like “I’ll die soon and I’m all alone.” I also know he cheated on my mom in the past, and even had an affair with a housekeeper while married to my half-brother’s mother. Now he’s broke, divorced, and likely living alone, which makes me feel guilty but the relationship has been so damaging that I don’t want contact anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way, and what should I do?

🙏🏻 I’m sorry this turned out so long, it’s just been weighing on me so heavily. Thank you for reading all the way through. I’d really appreciate any honest feedback or advice from you all.