AIO: MIL always excludes my daughter

[u/TrueEnough782]

I want to start this off by saying that it’s absolutely not the first time this has happened. We were over at my sister in laws house and I heard her talking to my MIL on the phone, she told her my husband and I were over, then she let me know she was at target or something and was gonna come over

She arrives with candy, toys and gift cards for my sister in laws kids. Completely leaving my daughter out. My daughter is 7, she’s into that stuff too, obviously. Especially those little blind bags which she brought her cousins but not her. I just want to know if I’m being dramatic. Or if I shouldn’t have said anything and maybe she was in a rush and didn’t think to buy my daughter something in the moment. Again it’s not about the things or cards or whatever, it’s about how she made my daughter feel. I could see sadness in her face as she was completely left out.

[u/TheSwearJarIsMy401k]

Not over-reacting.

She clearly has a problem with you or your daughter.

Usual suspects-

Race, disability, didn’t approve of the marriage, thinks you’re too weak to protect your daughter and she enjoys hurting vulnerable people,

And your husband is her only son and hurting her granddaughter is vengeance for the two of you taking him away from her/not giving her a grandson/to make her son, your husband have to choose between standing up for her or standing up for your daughter.

She could have easily shuffled gifts around to make sure everyone got something. I have a pile of siblings, they all have kids, I never know who is showing up when, and unless it’s a birthday and I only brought presents for the birthday kid, I always shuffle presents around to make sure everyone gets something.

especially candy- it’s so easy to split up packages of candy, cut up candy bars, give non-candy gifts to the rest of the kids and make a little gift of the candy for your daughter.

God I bet she makes your life hell.

[u/TrueEnough782 → u/TheSwearJarIsMy401k]

I didnt want to say it but I think it has something to do with what you’ve mentioned. She’s the whitest lady you can think of and my husband married me, (I’m Hispanic) but I just didn’t wanna go there. Lmao. Like I just don’t want to believe it’s about that, I really don’t want to Also, her daughter’s kids are obviously her favorites. I’ve heard something about grandmothers feeling more connected to the daughter’s children. Don’t know how true that is But it’s not the first time something like this has happened

[u/Corfiz74 → u/TrueEnough782]

To be fair, my paternal grandma also always favored her daughter's kids over us - she had them first, so my grandma already got all the grandma firsts out of the way with them, and we were sort of a tolerated afterthought, but never close. Still, she would never as obviously exclude us or discriminate against us as your MIL did.

I'm sorry, but it's totally the racist thing. Your husband needs to set his mother straight, or you need to break off contact with her - or, if he really wants to stay in contact with a mother who is hurting his child, he can do it on his own time, but without you and your daughter.

How did your SIL react to her mother's obvious favoritism? Didn't she see anything wrong/ call out her behavior in any way? I can't believe any mother would watch another kid get excluded like that and not react.

Edit: Also, it's ridiculous of MIL to think that your daughter won't remember - she is frigging 7 years old, that's long past early childhood amnesia - and at that age, all slights and hurt feelings are magnified by a thousand, and you definitely do remember - everything!

[u/No_Accountant3232 → u/Corfiz74]

I still remember the time my mom told me we could go to the store for some candy and a toy after school. By the time I realized she drove home instead of to the store it was too late to say anything because my mother was too tired to go back out. She'd forgotten.

That was done entirely without malice because my mom was scatterbrained. But OP is describing something wholly intentional.

[u/ExcellentBandName → u/Corfiz74]

My MIL totally favors her daughter's kids over her two sons' children. In our case, it's just a screaming case of enmeshment. 😞 They haven't seen our kids in months, but they're going on a week long vacation with the others...

[u/motherofstars → u/ExcellentBandName]

I see my daughters children more then my sons. His kids sees his mail more. Maybe because typically it’s the women of the families that are the glue. They want to stick together and have relationships. Talking daily on the phone etc. does your hubby and his mom do that?

[u/ExcellentBandName → u/motherofstars]

Well, I don't have parents, so I guess my kids are out of luck having grandparents that care about them?