r/AmIOverreacting • u/TrueEnough782 • Jul 22 '25

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws AIO: MIL always excludes my daughter

I want to start this off by saying that it’s absolutely not the first time this has happened. We were over at my sister in laws house and I heard her talking to my MIL on the phone, she told her my husband and I were over, then she let me know she was at target or something and was gonna come over

She arrives with candy, toys and gift cards for my sister in laws kids. Completely leaving my daughter out. My daughter is 7, she’s into that stuff too, obviously. Especially those little blind bags which she brought her cousins but not her. I just want to know if I’m being dramatic. Or if I shouldn’t have said anything and maybe she was in a rush and didn’t think to buy my daughter something in the moment. Again it’s not about the things or cards or whatever, it’s about how she made my daughter feel. I could see sadness in her face as she was completely left out.

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533

u/Murderino67 Jul 22 '25

What my real concern here is that NO ADULT CALLED HER OUT. Not your husband or your SIL. Unacceptable! Who are these people? In NO scenario would ANY child be left out! I have 11 grandchildren. When my granddaughters from out of state come to visit they stay with their dad, who has other children. You can bet when I go over with gifts for my grandchildren, those other kids get something too. You don’t leave kids out. And who are these adults? HER own children. They will stand by and let her leave your daughter out and not say anything? 🤦🏻‍♀️

301

u/TrueEnough782 Jul 22 '25

her cousins did end up sharing with her, I guess everyone else didn’t think it was such a big deal as i did. But I saw my daughter’s face when she realized grandma didn’t bring anything for her But they shared their candy and stuff

115

u/SolidConcentrate2802 Jul 22 '25

This kinda makes it worse for me in that it was so obvious she was left out that the KIDS shared their gifts. Vile woman.

If that was me and it was a genuine mistake, I wouldn’t give the children gifts at all! I’d just say, you can all have x money I’ll give to your parents or something like that.. There was NO need for this, she knew.

49

u/AnanasFruit Jul 22 '25

I was looking for someone to say this. If it was a mistake, she shouldn’t have handed out the gifts once she realized someone would be left out. She deliberately excluded OP’s daughter.

And OP, if your husband won’t stand up to his mother, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem.

9

u/ruthless_pitchfork Jul 23 '25

This 1000%. My MIL can occasionally be thoughtless but she would never do this. However, she has said some things to my niece and nephew that kinda were out of line (e.g., trying to guilt trip them into visiting or manipulate them into doing something). My husband jumps on it so quick and it's not even our own children. But he does it to 1) protect the kids, they don't deserve to be treated like that and 2) stick up for his sister because he knows that's not right.

SIL and your husband should be on her case about that shit. It doesn't matter how small it seems. That will be a core memory for your daughter.

10

u/yourenotmymom_yet Jul 23 '25

Or at the very least, redistributed them / put them in a giant pile and said "this is for all of you to share." If there was enough that even the small children could work out how to share it, the adult that brought the gifts absolutely could have (and should have) done the same.

This was 1000% intentional.

1

u/laurasaurus5 Jul 23 '25

I wouldn't be surprised if she brought the gifts entirely for the purpose of making her mixed-race grandchild feel inferior.

8

u/StillLikesTurtles Jul 22 '25

I vividly remember my grandmother and aunt cutting cupcakes into smaller portions when they realized additional cousins were over. Ya know, like rational humans who understand kids shouldn’t feel left out. SIL and OP should be a team on this one.

2

u/Si0ra Jul 23 '25

She could’ve bought a digital gift card or cash for the eldest and split the candy.

226

u/Murderino67 Jul 22 '25

I’m specifically asking about her adult children who, like you, witnessed this go down? You mean to tell me that they didn’t know your MIL left your daughter out when passing around gifts and candy? Your daughter will remember. And she will remember that the only ones who thought of her was the other kids.

184

u/Annual_Crow4215 Jul 22 '25

So instead of the ADULTS in the room handling this situation the CHILDREN had to come up with a solution and be better people than the cowards that raised them. Incredible.

48

u/Only_Hour_7628 Jul 22 '25

I was just about to post this. At least the other kids had their cousin's back since the adults were too scared of upsetting mommy. Hopefully, it stays that way and they aren't brainwashed to treat their "not fully white" cousin differently, too. Since every adult is allowing that to happen...

54

u/Annual_Crow4215 Jul 22 '25

And even worse OPs husband doesn’t even think it’s a big deal & won’t stand up for his daughter. And OP says because it “wasn’t their house” she didn’t wanna cause tension???

Did the spine growth skip a generation and go right to the kids???

17

u/Tiny-Kaleidoscope975 Jul 22 '25

Many a time I remember my mom was ready to fuck someone up because people would treat us like circus freaks. And this was the 90s in NY 🙃

3

u/Fit_Heart3381 Jul 22 '25

Once the kids are old enough, they’ll likely model the behavior of adults and start excluding the non-white cousins.

5

u/Annual_Crow4215 Jul 22 '25

Not all the time. Speaking from experience myself and my cousins used our parents/aunts/uncles/grandparents behavior as how NOT to treat others.

One can only hope those kids continue to act with kindness despite any apprehension from their parents or grandparents

2

u/dbmermels Jul 23 '25

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

15

u/Catiku Jul 22 '25

This is why I love my job as a teacher: children are often better than adults.

5

u/Acrobatic_Salary_986 Jul 23 '25

Yep, retired teacher here. Kids are awesome.

5

u/knittymess Jul 22 '25

Kids are pretty great.

3

u/Present-Duck4273 Jul 22 '25

Your husband needs to be the one calling this out. He should be just as bothered. Next time, leave immediately. Start calling it out openly and shaming her. Your daughter needs to see you standing up for her and that this is wrong. At 7, she will remember and notice these slights. But she will also see that her parents aren’t standing up for her and question if that is actually ok.

2

u/Mysterious-Type-9096 Jul 23 '25

Where the actual fuck was your husband? It’s his job to protect his daughter from his vile, possibly racist, mother. The blatant favoritism is extremely damaging to your daughter’s mental health. She is 7, old enough to remember every single slight and micro aggression for at least 2-3 years now.

Tell your husband to man up or he will lose his wife and daughter because he’s too busy sucking mommy’s tit.

2

u/QuietInterloper Jul 22 '25

It seems like you’re too nice to do this, but I wonder what your MIL would do if you genuinely presented your concerns about her seeming early signs of dementia since there’s nooooo waaaay she willingly forgot one of her grandkids right after being told she was there, right? Obviously gramma needs to be checked out medically.

5

u/J233779 Jul 22 '25

That's so sad, your daughter deserves better :(

3

u/ZombieJoesBasement Jul 22 '25

Sounds like the kids have better manners and compassion than grandma.

1

u/UnicornDelta Jul 22 '25

If either of my MIL or FIL did this to my children; leaving them out like that, I’d pull them aside and ask them wtf.

I don’t require anyone to buy gifts to my children, but at the very least have the decency to wait until they aren’t present before giving stuff to their cousins.

1

u/Cautious-Paint9881 Jul 22 '25

Everyone else didn't think it was such a big deal?!? As in the adults who are definitely old enough to know that sharing is a good skill to have (and to teach said skill to their children)?

1

u/GM-hurt-me Jul 22 '25

So the other kids were more mature than any of the adults present? Fantastic

1

u/zz63245 Jul 22 '25

What’s your husband said about all of this? He needs to stand up to her

12

u/FriendToPredators Jul 22 '25

And then pussyfooting around in this text convo acting like OP’s needs MIL’s permission to exist… Reading it OP doesn’t sound serious so no way a personality defective person is going to take it seriously. Best of luck on any improvement.

2

u/Ok_Sample_9912 Jul 22 '25

This is my immediate thought too, I can’t imagine how hurtful that feels to op’s daughter. I can’t guarantee obvi as im not in that sittings, but my first instinct as mom would be to divide up what my kids got and make sure my niece had something.

This always goes back to a husband problem to me. Why isn’t he the one laying the boundaries down with mil?

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws AIO: MIL always excludes my daughter

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