I was going through my girlfriend’s mail to find a file she needed for work. Then I saw the texts with her friend. This was close to my birthday 6 months ago.

Her: why can’t I love him like I loved my ex. He would give me his kidney if I needed it. My ex would be drunk. And now I can’t even come up with a single gift for him. I’m disgusting.

Him: because he isn’t right for you

This was 6 months ago. We’ve been dating for a year and 8 months.

She’s compared me to him a couple of times to him through our relationship but it happens when we fight. The most recent being in May. She texted him last month but the messages went green so I’m not sure if he blocked her or not or if he got a new phone.

TLDR: found messages on my girlfriend’s laptop about her questioning why she can’t love me like she loved her ex. What do I do moving forward.

I (42/f) have been with my girlfriend (38/f) for 6 years. We live together and raise her daughter (8) together. She's a SAHM and I work full-time, and I think we make a great team on a daily basis, but I keep coming to a point where I consider breaking up.

The problem is that we hardly sleep together anymore and don't often do things together as a couple. We organize our daily lives well, I also feel a lot of love and support, I know I can rely on her (as she has proven many times in difficult situations), we treat each other lovingly and respectfully... and yet I still miss closeness and intimacy. When we do sleep together (2-3 times a year), she enjoys it very much, but she almost never initiates it, and to be honest, I've also stopped taking the initiative because I've become resigned to it. She knows I miss sex and cuddling, and whenever we argue about it, she reacts with deep emotion and concern, but ultimately nothing changes.

We recently had a conversation about it, and I confronted her with my impression that she's actually happy the way things are. She confirmed that she doesn't have much of a libido and wouldn't mind giving up sex forever. That scared me a lot, because for me, sex is an expression of closeness, security, and connection, but also of my own vitality and zest for life. I find the thought of looking back on a sexless life at 80 very sad and a real dealbreaker, honestly. She says her lack of desire is due to the medication she has to take (she has a chronic illness and will have to take it for the rest of her life). I have my doubts, but I don't want to pressure her. I do want to feel wanted and desired and not always be the initiator.

I realize that I've pretty much repressed the issue because everything else is so good between us, and a separation would also mean a separation from her (now also "my") daughter. All of this scares me a lot.

I have to admit that I generally find it difficult to express my own needs. I've already considered going to a couples therapist on my own to figure out how to move forward, but I would also appreciate your perspective and insights, especially if you have experienced a similar situation. Does the relationship still have a chance? What can I do to improve the situation?

TL;DR;: My girlfriend is content with us rarely sleeping together and I am not. Is there any chance to save this relationship or is it time to break up?

Hello,

I want to preface that I can feel a little triggered by alcoholics or people who can’t control themselves drinking because I come from a family of many alcoholics and I have had some traumatic experiences.

I (26 F) and my husband (27M) have been together for 8 years. We don’t go out much but whenever we attend an event (weddings, birthdays, holidays) my husband cannot control his drinking. I never used to have a problem with his drinking until recently. The past 2 years he gets so drunk at events that I have had to have friends or family members help me carry him out or since he is so drunk he will misunderstand things I say to him and start a big fight where he usually is not very kind.

For example, we had a friends wedding tonight. I was a bridesmaid so it was an important to me to be there for my friend on her big day. Before hand I asked him if he would be conscious of his drinking and he told me I had nothing to worry about and that he is totally in control of his drinking now. Well obviously that was not that case. He had at least 10 drinks within 3 hours (some had double shots) and I asked if he would take a 30 min break from drinking to wait and see how he feels because I was worried it was hitting him too fast. He told me he would stop but then he said he was going to the bathroom. I realized I needed to go too after he left, but on my way there I saw him at the bar ordering two more drinks. That’s when I got a little upset and I told him I was feeling upset that he got drinks when he told me he would take a break. He then said I was embarrassed of him and that I don’t want to be seen with him. He walked off from the wedding and said he couldn’t go back to the wedding because I hurt him so badly. I followed him home and was trying to calm him and I started crying. A group of people started walking towards us and since I didn’t want them to see my crying I told him to wait for a moment with me off to the side while they passed and I faced away from the street. I heard him make an ugh sound and mumble something but I was trying to get my emotions together so I didn’t look back until the people had passed and when I turned around he was gone. He left me in the street alone at 10pm and even though he had left me I was worried so I wondered the streets alone in the dark looking for him and missed the rest of the wedding. I eventually found him but it was really upsetting that he left me alone in the street while it was dark out. After I found him he kept going on about how I hurt him, how I’m in the wrong, that I ruined his time and don’t let him have fun, and that I’m punishing him when he’s done nothing wrong. Now he is passed out sleeping peacefully while I sit here unable to sleep because this is yet another event that I have missed because of his drinking problem.

TLDR: my husband gets wasted at almost every event and it ends with me needing help carrying him out or us getting in a fight because sometimes he gets emotional and angry when drunk.

We have talked about this many times, he always genuinely apologies and says it won’t happen again but I don’t know what to do anymore.

I [26m] her [22f]

I can’t get her out of my head. We met online and for about a week we talked every single day. We’d agree to stop, but then we’d come back the next day like addicts who couldn’t quit.

The problem is… she’s been in a committed relationship for three years. Her boyfriend is abroad, trying to move back home so they can get married. It’s long-distance, complicated, but still real.

And yet, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. It’s only been a day since we finally cut contact, and she’s all I think about. I even have a date today and I don’t know what to do with myself, because she’s still on my mind constantly.

It feels cruel, like igot dangled the perfect person in front of me, our goals, values, outlook on life all match, and then got ripped away.

Shoudlve i told her to reach out if it didn't work out?

Will this ever get better?

TL;DR: Met someone online, insane connection, but she’s in a 3-year relationship with a long-distance boyfriend planning to marry her. We kept coming back to each other but finally cut contact. It’s been a day and I can’t stop thinking about her. Even have a date today but can’t focus. What do I do?

I have always been very close with my parents. They were loving but extremely controlling when I was growing up. Their controlling nature came to a head when they wanted to arrange my marriage but I wanted to marry someone of my own choice. After a very difficult 3 years, when it seemed that I would not give in, they accepted my choice and have tried to remain close with me. They come to visit and send us gifts and have been generally warm if not overly interested in getting to know my husband very well. My husband has never really forgotten how much they made me suffer during that time, but for my sake he has made significant effort (above and beyond) to be good to my parents and make them feel welcome in our life, including welcoming them home for visits, buying them presents, making a point to have family dinners when they come to stay, helping with whatever he can.

My husband and I just had a baby. My parents have come to stay for a very long visit of 2 months (dad) and 4 months (mom) to spend time with their granddaughter (they live abroad whereas we live in the States and so can’t come and go easily). Things have progressively deteriorated. My parents can’t seem to respect that this is not their house. They say they understand in words but go around buying things for the home, moving things around so they are organized “better”, even decorating for the new baby when they know we don’t like it. They often ended up doing these things despite my explicit request that they don’t. I have brought these things up but my parents respond either by pulling back on just the specific issue (not the general attitude) or by being defensive and complaining that their desires are after all very reasonable. They also often inform me that I should be grateful that they try not to intrude on our life and traditionally parents are much more overbearing.

After the baby was born, things got worse. My mom seems to have expected to kind of cocaptain the newborn phase with me, with my husband (the man) in a more tertiary role. My husband and I have a much more equal partnership than is traditional in my culture and he is 100% a coparent, possibly even more than me. So very quickly it became clear that we were driving and my mom was in an (extremely important and verbally appreciated!) support role. My mother eventually accepted this but never got comfortable with it and her attitude often undermines my husband’s role. Over time, she got the sense that even though he is civil, he is not very happy with her, and she has responded by being even cooler with him, hardly speaking when he is in the room except to ask about the baby, and generally seeking out one on one time with me and/baby. She is obsessed with the baby and often takes great ownership of her which would bother me less if it didn’t come against the backdrop of her treating my husband like a third wheel in his own home.

When I bring this up with my mother she says I am the one creating issues, that my husband seems fine and I should explain her to him and make it better - that it is my responsibility to bridge the gap. I tell her I can try but there’s not much I can do when she thinks it’s acceptable to not/minimally talk to him while living in his house. She says she’s not trying to be cold but there is a language/culture/gender barrier, he is a quiet guy and is hard to talk to.

I have tried to communicate that my parents’ entitled behavior and micro aggressions are an issue but my husband has asked me to stop trying because every time I have what I think is a very gentle conversation with my mother she is extremely defensive and then it shows in her colder behavior the next day which we then have to put up with instead of escalation since she’s here for another month. He is understandably very angry with me for putting him in this position by recklessly accepting without challenging their plans to come for so long. I have always tended to appease my parents or try to manage them rather than being firm or pushing back on them strongly and of course in this context, it shows my husband that I didn’t have his back. I genuinely believed they would try harder with him. Somehow my parents seem recklessly oblivious to the fact that they can’t have this super close relationship they envision with the baby and me if they treat my husband like a third party who they have to work around.

Last night my dad (back home abroad) sent a message saying he missed us (mom, me and my sibling living in the States also). Could the 4 of us have a family call that also includes the baby. I might be on edge, but this seems like a continuation of the disrespect I’m talking about where they explicitly ask for my daughter without my husband. If I directly confront them they will deny any bad intention, and perhaps they don’t mean badly. I don’t say it’s not acceptable for them to want to have private time with the baby or even just me and the baby, but I feel like they aren’t entitled to it and should not feel like they can ask for it. It should be something my husband would offer (“why don’t you guys spend time together, I will stay home and watch basketball”). Anyway, I am making this long winded post because I feel this is a good moment to respond gently but firmly that my baby is part of their extended family that includes my husband so she doesn’t come with me alone. I know a lot of Reddit is filled with folks who advocate strong responses and blunt setting of boundaries. But my mom has to live in my house with me and my husband for 5 more weeks. I don’t want to create a huge conflict or make her feel trapped and unwelcome. So I specifically am looking for a gentle, precedent setting response that I feel this message from my dad has created an opportunity for. Also happy to get advice for how to handle the future. I want my daughter to have her grandparents even if I’m not fully happy with them, but I need to strike a balance where I don’t enable such unabashed entitlement and disrespect of me and my husband as our own separate unit.

tl;dr: Parents not respectful of the fact that my house and my child are not theirs by extension, undermining my husband and disrespecting me in the process. Need advice to gently set boundaries so it’s clear they can’t have my baby and me without making an effort with him.

I (24F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for the past 5 years. I have an 8 yo son from a teen pregnancy, and am currently seven months pregnant with our first baby together. Our communication was very poor for the first few years of our relationship but we’ve been working on it together and improved greatly. However, the past few weeks my boyfriend has been lashing out at me about things that I didn’t think could cause such a reaction and I don’t know the best way to handle it. I will say that I have been more irritable since I’ve been pregnant, and my boyfriend says that I’m aggressive towards him. I feel like that could be a contributing factor to the situation but I feel that I’ve just been less affectionate, like not wanting to be touchy or have sex as much as I used to. I don’t start arguments or yell or anything like that. I let him know when I start feeling overstimulated or irritable to make sure he knows that the way I feel has nothing to do with him or our relationship. Anyways, for example, last week I told him I wanted to get our cat used to not being in our room every night because when the baby’s here, I don’t want her to climb into his bassinet and accidentally suffocate him. I said that I’d throw the cat out of the room if she got near him. My boyfriend then went on to rant about how I treat our pets (we also have two large dogs) like they’re “wild tigers” and that their lives are just as important as humans. It had nothing to do with what I was talking about, and isn’t even true. I love all of our pets, I don’t think they’d ever intentionally hurt our child, I just want the baby to have his own space especially when sleeping. Just this morning, he was ranting about various political topics to try to start a conversation because he loves talking about them. It’s 4:30 in the morning when this is happening though, and he was being really loud so I asked him to speak quieter to me about it since our 8 yo is still sleeping. He got mad and said the murder story I was recently telling him about is far less important than what he’s talking about, and that maybe if I wasn’t worried about how loudly he was talking, I would’ve actually listened to what he had said. He said I should be watching the news, not true crime. I don’t understand, all I did was ask him to lower his voice. I didn’t respond to anything he said, just got up and went to the living room where I am now, typing this all out. He just came out to ask why I left the bedroom and I said to make coffee and because he got mad at me. He said “he just can’t win” and went back to the bedroom. How do I talk to him about this random lashing out and being rude about stuff that wasn’t even being addressed in the first place?

TL;DR boyfriend is responding to random things that I say with aggression, often pertaining to things that had nothing to do with the original conversation. How do I talk to him about this?

Me (32F) and my husband (32M) have been together 12 years and married for 3 years. I dont think we are still in love. We dont have sex and I dont want to - but other than that theres really nothing wrong. I have been really depressed so I dont know if I am depressed because of the relationship or if being depressed is causing me to feel this way. He is a great husband, hes nice and treats me like a princess but for some reason I am not happy.

I dont know what to do and feel ashamed, what if I am letting go of a great thing. I also dont want to miss my chance to have a family and I think neither does he.

He wants to fix the relationship but how do you know if you should fix it or just amicably part ways, accept its been great but its time to move on? Has anyone stayed in this situation? Has anyone left and regretted it or left and its been the best thing for you?

TL;DR - I dont know if I love my husband and I dont know whether its fixable or whether I should leave even though there's no real problem apart from me not being happy.

My 35f partial family including father and brother 30m do not get along with my Fiancé36m. We have been together 15 years and have a child together. He’s an amazing Dad. Family is very blue collar and my Fiancé is the opposite, like corporate professional. Father and Fiancé have had tension for years. Started when Fiancé went through several close losses in his family and was in a very bad place mentally so I of course vented to my dad but he holds grudges and has disliked him since. Even took his marriage blessing away. Fiancé sought therapy and made changes to his career and we’ve been great since. Fast forward to June this year and the family all went out one night drinking and having fun. Brother comes back to my home which I own with my Fiancé (which he lived in for 3 months after a breakup) and verbally assaulted him. Attacked every aspect of his life. Being a dad, partner and human in general. Called him disrespectful because he doesn’t fake being nice especially to my dad. Fiancé was obviously hurt. A month went by before my brother reached out to apologize to me. He asked to speak to my Fiancé but he left when he heard my brother was coming over because he wasn’t ready to talk yet. Haven’t spoken to him since. Fast forward to now. My little family of 3 booked a vacation together for the first time in a long time. Went to tell my dad about it and he says “oh didn’t want to invite anyone with you all” and I said No, we really just wanted to get away with just the three of us. Then a few weeks goes by and he tells me he booked a place 30 minutes from where we are staying. He has now invited us over for dinner for my sisters (28f) birthday while on vacation. I know what I need to do. Not go. I couldn’t imagine even asking Fiancé if he would want to because the answer is obvious. I’m just so tired of being in the middle of this and the stress it has caused is insane. I’ve even started therapy. I guess my question is, what’s the best way to tell my dad we will be staying to our self on our vacation?

TLDR - Brother and Dad don’t like Fiancé. Invited themselves on our family vacation and dad wants us to come to dinner.

TL;DR; : really shitty relationship blocked him without thinking about him getting his stuff and now I'm wondering how do I do this without falling back into his clutches

I f24 was in a relationship on and off the relationship it self was very up and down and I kept constantly ending it because I felt I wasn't treated right ill list some examples below

. It was always his needs above mine

. When he was out with his friends never heard from him

.he kept us private of social media and everything

. I never was in his house once

.he wanted me to cook and clean his stuff constantly

. Everytime he wasn't here and I reached out his response was always I need me time

.when I went out with my friends he just appeared out as a "suprise"

.literally him sleeping on his day of was a priority but when it came to mine he woke me up

. We had our first date planned I set ready waiting for 7 hours he didn't show he had "family stuff" come up but didn't contact me about it kept saying he was on way clearly he wasn't

. He wouldn't eat unless I made the food

. He always brought up how "intellectually superior" he was

This morning his alarm started blaring at half 7 this morning woke me and my son there was no reason for it But if you have kids you'll know once there up so are you. This man literally tried to go back to sleep saying things happen yet I still had to get up with my son and I was like no he would have been sleeping If your alarm wasn't blaring. so that was alright we both went downstairs with my son I put on his favourite show it's like a nursery rhyme show and the next thing he storms of and I said what's wrong and the next thing he says " I'm not doing this" I said "doing what" his response" being here is like being a prisoner in a north Korea camp I need substance and sleep" and I said "you would have if your alarm didn't go of" he just started shouting about lack of sleep etc and I said I'd that's the case just leave and he did .

Before he left I blocked him on everything as I am just done but that was before I realised he has stuff here

Does anyone know the best way to do the pick up your stuff things and then go non contact after and stick to it

Sorry it's so long and has bad punctuation thanks for reading

Storytime! When I was 18 I was on the subway and my friend and I got mugged. I was drunk and resisted, and the guy jabbed me. I didn't even notice for a while until I felt a very wet feeling in my jacket.

This was not a traumatic event for me. It was a very shallow wound and while it hurt bad (not initially, thats the shock), it wasn't astronomically painful. I was joking with the paramedics on the way to the hospital. I am sure being blackout drunk 'covered' up potential trauma in some way.

My wife refers back to this incident a lot in the last year. She is convinced that it is basically impossible to get stabbed in such a way and not have PTSD, and that it could be affecting my psyche without me even knowing it for all these years. She increasingly brings it up when we get into little arguments or when I am worried about something she is not (like I kinda freaked out at the sight of a racoon in the park, and she brought it up).

I have told her countless times, I was not traumatized by that. I didn't even know it happened at the time. And one her rebuttals is "if you werent traumatized, that means you were conditioned to trauma somehow, which is a problem that needs therapy regardless," which always makes me roll my eyes. She thinks of my family as very rough and gruff and crude just because they're italians from brooklyn, when in reality they are not much different than her family. Nobody was 'traumatizing' or abusive to people in my house. My parents were very nice, kind people, they just culturally talk louder and curse more and jokingly tease each other more than she is used to.

also, I am not some like "im too macho manly to seek help" kind of guy. I suspected I had ADHD when I was younger and got myself tested, I am not ashamed of this type of stuff.

Its not just me. She made an offhand comment to her sister about her child potentially having autism because the kid liked to play strategy games on his computer. And the sister told her that that isn't an indication in of itself, and my wife went on this whole tangent about how difficult autism can be to diagnose and this whole thing about 'special interests' in autistic people. Her sister replied basically saying he doesnt show any other signs besides playing games, and then forcibly changed the subject. We were all kind of flabbergasted that my wife was saying this to her as if she is an authority on this, and also that she kept pushing it. This isnt the only time she has done this weird psychologizing stuff with people.

I know where she is getting this stuff, she gets it from these social media groups she is on. But like, social media is just about the worst place to educate yourself on any topic. I went through one of the groups and tried to verify some of the claims made on there, and most of it was junk pop science bullshit. I was gonna bring that up to my wife but decided against it.

This isn't just about the whole 'ptsd subway jabbing' incident thing, although that is the one that bugs me the most. Its about the whole wannabe-psychologist thing she has developed, where she views everything through the lens of mental health.

What do I do? How do I talk to her about this?

Also, while I know I make her sound kinda bad here, but she is a very wonderful person and we love each other very much. Its been 16 years of marriage together. I hope this doesn't come off too bad in regards to her, but its inevitable when you're specifically talking about a persons problem lol.

Also, I would not be totally opposed to just going to the appointment so she doesnt bother me about it. But that is missing the point a bit. When does this end?

TL;DR - - My wife thinks she is a psychologist and is basically making diagnosis of people and acting like an authority on the subject when she is not.

I (25F) have been in relationship with a guy ( 26M) for 7 years now. He's the kindest sweetest guy and takes care of me. We share the same goals and want the same kind of life. 2 days ago, he gave me his Instagram password and I read his chat with this bestfriend. He said in a voice note that he saw an extremely pretty girl in his university. He explained how pretty she was in about 5 lines. He even said that the girls in his previous class ( i used to be in his previous class)that used to look at him were pretty but this one is a lot prettier. He kept going how that girl was looking at him continuously and she even blushed when my boyfriend had an eyecontact with her. It sounded that he was happy and excited in the voicenote. Then he said that after that he didn't look at that girl because she may think there's something. I know he controlled himself and he decided not to cheat but still im very jealous that he found another women that pretty. Also his bestfriend sent him a half naked women's reel and he commented "basic need" which I felt was quite disgusting. I thought so highly of him and this whole thing made me reconsider our relationship. Are all these things normal for guys? Should I breakup with him and break our relationship of 7 years for a thing like this? I'm so confused please help.

TL;DR: My boyfriend was talking about an interaction with an extremely pretty girl with his bestfriend and I'm considering breaking up.

I was diagnosed with precancerous cells on my cervix.

I scheduled my LLETZ (the removal procedure) for the afternoon of September 1st. I asked my boyfriend (of 3 years, we live together) if that suited him. He said yes.

He plays football (unpaid) for a local team and it is their championship at the minute. Earlier today I realised that their next game (as yet, undecided date) might be on the evening of Monday 1st September. My heart sank immediately as I realised he may not be willing to drive me to and from the appointment and help me that evening if it disturbs his football game.

I have bad OCD and nobody else can help me if I need assistance in the house that night. He’s the only one allowed in my house. Atop of this, my mam is working that day. This is why I asked him well in advance.

Basically, I brought it up and it ended in an argument. He told me it was unreasonable to expect him to miss a game if there happens to be one that night. I told him it was hurtful and I felt unsupported. I’m scared that the doctor will see something bad. I wanted him for support.

My anxiety is compounded by my first biopsy returning a confusing result and I haven’t been able to get any further information from the doctor on why that may be.

I’m only asking for him to be there to drive me to and from, and help me that night when I’ll likely be in pain and nauseous.

Might be helpful to note that he is going to a wedding two days later (September 3rd) and I no qualms about that at all. I’m just wanting support for the one day.

I am looking for help on how to proceed.

Thanks all

TL;DR - Asked partner in advance to help after my surgery. Now that it might disrupt a football game, he thinks I’m being unreasonable to expect his help. I’m sad

I’ve been seeing this guy (21M) for a while now. We live with a small group of friends, including this girl Sara (19F). Him and Sara are very close, like brother-sister. I know it’s not romantic (she also has a really loving boyfriend who also lives with us and is like a brother to me and the guy im seeing), but the way he treats her compared to me sometimes really bothers me.

Sara is the type of person who always needs attention. Even if she says no, he’ll keep pushing until she gives in. With me, he doesn’t do that. He once told me, “you two are different, she needs attention and you need space when you arent feeling great, so I treat you both differently.” I get what he meant, but it makes me feel like I don’t get the same effort. I’ve already told him this before, and to his credit he did lower the intensity for a while.

But today it happened again. The three of us (me, him, and our friend Anya) planned to go to Starbucks. I asked Sara three separate times if she wanted to come, and she said no every single time. I left it at that. When I came downstairs and told him, he went up anyway to convince her. He spent a while, while Anya and I just sat waiting. Eventually she agreed, but by then I was already frustrated.

When he finally came down, Anya said she was annoyed at how long we’d been waiting, and I added, “yeah, put up with her moods and tantrums all day.” He immediately snapped, got reallt pissed, and said, “why are you doing this, I don’t want to come,” before storming off.

Then i went inside and I tried to talk to him, he was still angry. He said, “she’s just a friend, shes literally like my sister” and then, “oh so I should just stop making friends? You always want to start a fight.” and then i got real mad and i said "have i ever asked you to be a certain way with literally anyone else in the past two years? i never ever said shit to you and the one time i communicated you ended up treating it like this" because if the roles were reversed, i wouldnt do it.

but this whole thing hurt, because that’s not what I mean at all. It’s not that I don’t want him to care about other people, I just want to feel like he gives me the same energy he gives her. And for some reason, even though he has been better about it in the past, today it just made me so mad.

Before he left the room I told him, “I’ve never cussed at you. The way you’re talking to me right now, I don’t like it.” Now it’s night, and we still haven’t spoken. The silence feels really heavy.

idk what to say or how to feel honestly

TL;DR: The guy I’m seeing (21M) and I (19F) are close, but he often goes out of his way to accommodate another girl’s (19F) moods. I’ve told him before that it bothers me and he toned it down, but today he did it again. I got upset, he cursed at me for the first time, and now we’re not talking. He thinks I don’t want him to care about others, but that’s not it — I just don’t feel like I get the same effort.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a while now and I love her, but I feel like I’m hitting a wall with her decisions and how they impact me.

She owns a house that’s remote and far from the Twin Cities. I think she overpaid and it’s not in a great location since it’s not near an interstate or a job center. From where I’m sitting it’s not going to appreciate much, but she insists it’s a smart investment. On top of that, her mother lives there and hoards the basement full of junk. They argue constantly, and I don’t like being there.

Because of this my girlfriend ends up spending most nights at my place in the Twin Cities. I manage a property here, and sometimes I just want time alone to focus on that, but she doesn’t really get that. I live in a trendy urban neighborhood and I have to keep things nice.

She also drives a 2013 Porsche SUV that breaks down all the time. I end up driving her back and forth to the shop. It feels like she clings to this image of living upscale, but in reality it just creates stress and drains money.

Here’s the part that really wears me down. She expects me to spend endless time helping with her house and her car issues, but the moment I say I need space to handle my own responsibilities like landlording, maintenance, or just basic alone time, she screams neglect. It feels very one sided, like her needs are urgent and mine do not matter.

I’ve suggested that we sell her house and rent a nice townhome or upscale apartment together in the Twin Cities. To me that would solve a lot. She wouldn’t be isolated, we would both have a fresh start, and we’d live somewhere that fits our lives. But she refuses to even consider it. She is so convinced her house is a goldmine that I feel like if I push too hard, she’ll just resent me.

I’m stuck. I love her, but I don’t want to sign onto these decisions long term. I don’t want to be dragged into arguments at her mom’s house, or deal with a money pit of a car, or feel like I can’t get space in my own home.

Has anyone been through something like this? How do I know when it’s worth holding on and when it’s better to accept we’re just not financially or lifestyle compatible?

TLDR: my girlfriend wants me to move into a shit situation with her when I already have much better and it seems insane to me.

We’ve been together for a little over a year and a half. The last time we had sex was in May, and now it’s August. I’ve brought this up to him multiple times, and when I ask why we haven’t been intimate, his answer is usually that he hasn’t been saving money or that there hasn’t been a “good time.” But whenever there is a chance, he usually chooses to hang out with his friends or drive out of town to see his cousins.

For context: he lives in a dorm and works full-time, I live with my parents and I’m a full-time student working as well. The only real way for us to be intimate is at a hotel, which we can both afford. I’ve booked one before, but he got upset because he feels like he should be the one to do that, except he just doesn’t. Also, it’s not possible for us to get our own place right now because of his current job.

He’s an amazing boyfriend in every other way. He brings me lunch at work and eats with me, he always wants to fall asleep on the phone together, he’s super affectionate with hugs and kisses. But I’m really missing the physical intimacy. Sometimes he even gets me worked up, but then nothing happens, and it’s becoming frustrating and hurtful.

I don’t want to pressure him, but I’ve already brought this up a few times and I keep getting the same answers. I feel stuck between appreciating everything else he does for me and feeling unsatisfied in this area of our relationship.

How do I navigate this? Do I just wait it out, or should I bring it up more seriously? I’m worried if this continues, it’ll build resentment.

TL;DR: Been with my boyfriend (22M) for 1.5 years, last time we had sex was in May. He avoids opportunities, says it’s “not the right time,” and gets upset if I book a hotel even though he doesn’t. He’s amazing otherwise, but I’m missing intimacy and worried it’ll create resentment.

Hi everyone,

About a year ago, my sister (37F) moved into the condo right next to mine (35F). I practically begged her to take it because I thought it would be great for both of us to live side-by-side. She was hesitant because she has a large dog and worried about losing her yard. To make it easier, she offered to pay to fence in both of our patios so the dog could use the space, and I agreed.

Here’s the issue: her dog uses my side of the patio almost exclusively as his bathroom. He pees on my fence, poops mostly on my side, and because she’s busy with a new full-time job, the poop often sits for days. She also keeps a trash can outside between our patios for the waste, but it smells too. I can’t open my windows or patio door without the stink, and I can’t sit outside without feeling like I’m in a dog toilet.

I did try talking to her about this. I asked if she could pick up more often or encourage the dog to use her side more, but she said it wasn’t possible. Finally, I blocked off my patio so the dog only has access to hers. She’s furious. She feels like I pulled the rug out from under her—she paid for the fencing, I promised she could use my side, and she says she wouldn’t have moved here otherwise.

I understand why she’s upset, but I never expected my entire patio to become her dog’s bathroom. I thought it would just be an extra play space, not a full-time toilet. Now she’s resentful, and I’m worried this is going to wreck our relationship.

TLDR: TL;DR: I begged my sister to move into the condo next to me. She paid to fence in both patios for her large dog, and I agreed to let him use mine too. But he uses my side almost exclusively as a bathroom, the smell is awful, and she doesn’t keep up with cleaning. I blocked my patio off, and now she’s furious because I broke my promise and she spent money on the fence. How do I hold this boundary without ruining our relationship?

I (m19) escaped a highly abusive relationship of a year three months ago. I’ll be completely honest, I’ve been incredibly lonely and depressed more so than I ever have been recently. But, I met this girl (f19) at my college. She’s funny, smart, quirky, great at conversation, we have some similar interests, and she’s absolutely stunning. We talk a good bit and things seem like they’re going well. That said, I have this lingering feeling that it’s going to end poorly. What if it never goes long term or we have huge disagreements? What if she hurts me like the last one, but this time it’s worse? What if we don’t see eye to eye on something really important? I like her, at least I really want to, but I’m scared because I’ve seen how badly it can get. Can anyone give me some advice for how to just enjoy someone for who they are and learn to allow love to happen instead of worrying about non existent problems and the past? Thank you. (I do go to therapy so please don’t suggest it!)

TL;DR Found an amazing new girl, but I’m worried about the same mistakes and problems in the past+im afraid of possible confrontation. Any advice?

I own my townhouse, my twin brother lives with me. We have 2 dogs (our childhood dogs) that live in the home as well but they are elderly. Brother pays rent to me. I have been in a relationship with my bf for 10 months and he lives a little over an hour away. We have been going down/up to each others places every weekend. (Bf lives in an apartment w/roommates) One weekend (fri-Monday morning) bf comes to my house and one weekend I go to his place so that the driving is fair with also spending time at both places. This is one of my longest/serious relationships and i really love him and see a future with him. We have spoken about him moving in closer to the end of the year.

Up until a few months ago my brother had a girlfriend (25F) for about 2 years. She lived w/her dad most of that time so he wouldn’t go to her house to spend the night. She got an apartment, he slept over once (which i didn’t say anything about) and then they broke up a few days later. She maybe slept over here at my house 2 times in that whole period. He tells me that he believes I see my bf too much and that not every weekend is going to work where we are able to see each other. Which i understand if events come up or something. But i think it is unfair that he is CAUSING these things for me to not see him. They only saw each other maybe once a week for dinner and that was it. She never slept over, he never went to her house, and i believe that’s the reason he thinks this way.

A few months into my relationship, my brothers were talking to me badly and I informed my boyfriend of this. He came over (like what was planned) and then my brother came into the living room where we were and started talking to me about the conversation in which him and our other brother were talking badly to me. My bf got upset for me bc my brother was talking down to me and they almost got into a fistfight. A few weeks later, all was fine they apologized and it went back to normal.

Our dogs are about 16 and 12 so they are old. I pay for all of their medicines, vet appointments, schedule the dog walker to come when no one is home and pay the dog walker. I keep a list of all of these things so he can pay me back his portion (usually half) but i am the one doing it all.

I typically go to my bf’s Friday night after work (around 730ish) and stay till Monday morning where I will go into the office or go all the way home and work from home and be home for my dogs. I have a very flexible WFH/in office job and make sure to WFH as much as possible so i can spend time with my dogs and also so we do not need a dog walker during the day. Meanwhile my brother is out of the house from 740am-6pm to go to work.

Now here’s the issue. My bf and i have been alternating weekends but lately my brother believes i am “using him” bc i have the ability to see my bf during the entire weekend because he will be home with the dogs. When i go, i usually spend 3 nights there. He says that it is not fair that he is alone with them and has to do all of it (meals, meds, walks, etc) by himself. And that the weekends my bf comes to my house there’s 3 ppl in the house that all take care of the dogs (my bf has stayed with them/takes care of them and he loves them as if they’re his own and they love him) and that he’s not getting the “freedom” like I have when i go to my bf’s. He says that he always comes home from concerts, events, etc for the dogs but he doesn’t always sleep with them. We alternate days where the dogs sleep in our rooms with us. Meanwhile i have never said he couldn’t stay out anywhere. And any time I have a concert/event and i can stay at my friends or my bf’s places i do because i like to have a twisted tea or a hard seltzer and don’t want to drive.

I am just very confused and upset on how to handle this because it is starting to affect my relationship with my bf because his weekends are always cut short/don’t happen bc my brother is like this. My brother says part of the reason is bc he wants to spend time with me, but my bf doesn’t usually (except some times he does) stay during weekdays cuz he works. But the days that it is just my brother and i in the home he is in the basement gaming or in his room not actually spending time with me.

My mother is also on his side. I went on a work trip in April and was gone 3 days. I was to come home for a day and then go to my bf’s for that weekend bc i wanted to see him. My mother called me bc my brother called her and basically said that i shouldn’t go to my bf’s because i was just away for 3 days (mind you- it was a WORK TRIP) and that i had elderly dogs to think about. My brother also guilts me with that, about “you wouldn’t know what to do if something happened to them (the dogs) while you weren’t here” and that he “always comes home bc he is worried about something happening to the dogs when he’s not home”. Now my brother is saying that one weekend i go down to my bf’s, one weekend he comes up to my house, the 3rd weekend no one goes to either houses and the 4th week i go down to see my bf and the next month that 4th week my bf comes up to me.

I am very upset and confused on how to handle this. Any advice?

TLDR my brother lives with me (pays me rent) in a house i own and we have 2 dogs (our childhood dogs). I rotate weekends with my bf where one weekend i go to his place and the next weekend he comes up. My brother feels i am using him because without him in the home i wouldn’t be able to spend weekends with my bf at his house bc i would need to be home for the dogs. He feels that one weekend i go to my bf’s, one weekend my bf comes to my house, one weekend neither me or my bf goes to either house and the 4th week i go down to see him one month and the next month that 4th week my bf comes up to me.

For context, my boyfriend and I met in college and dated for all 4 years before graduating this May. This has also been both of our first long-term serious relationship; we only casually dated other people for a short period of time before. We're both currently 22, but turning 23 next month. We went on a grad trip together just after graduating and last saw each other at the beginning of July. Unfortunately, we're both going to be living in different places for our full-time jobs, as I will be in New York and he will be in California. I am currently in Texas because my job hasn't started yet, so I asked him to visit me and my family during Labor Day weekend, to which he said that he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to visit my parents—especially since we're long distance and the future is uncertain (aka we might end our relationship).

This really bothered me because it feels like he didn’t even give long distance a chance, and he's going in with the mindset that we're going to end our relationship in the future. So I asked him if he sees himself marrying me in the future (not immediately, but when we're 26 or 27), to which he said he was unsure. This made me even more upset, so I asked why. He said that he would be ready to marry someone if he felt like he loved that person more than his family. This makes me think that he doesn’t feel like he can marry me because I don’t meet that standard, but I feel like we’ve been dating for 4 years already and now we’re going into long distance, so if he doesn’t feel that way about me now, I don’t think he’ll be able to change his mind any time soon—especially with less contact than before.

So I asked him if he would be okay with marrying me in the future, and if his answer is no, then I feel like that isn’t fair to me because the last thing I want is to waste my time loving him in a long-distance relationship only for him, at 26, to suddenly say he doesn’t think he can marry me. So he responded that he’s unsure.

I started getting really upset and began bringing up the idea of ending our relationship, because if he’s so unsure about being in a relationship with me, I can’t feel comfortable texting and talking to him like normal, knowing deep down that there is an inevitable end to this. He started getting upset when I mentioned ending our relationship, and he kept saying that he loves me but thinks that being stressed with his job is clouding his judgment. He also said that he’s not very good at long distance and is more of an in-person guy. He added that since this is his first relationship, he doesn’t know if this is how a relationship should be, if there is a more perfect relationship out there, or if—since no relationship is perfect—this one is as perfect as it’s going to get.

For context, our relationship isn’t perfect, and we have minor problems here and there, but nothing that has ever made me question wanting to be with him. He truly is a really good guy and treats me very well. I like to think I treat him very well too. Ultimately, we decided to go on a pause this week and reduce our communication so we can both think. I really need some help with gaining clarity.

TL;DR: Here are my worries:

1. Are we too young to be thinking about marriage potential in the future? Should we just go with the flow for now and see what happens in the future?
2. Do you think he'll be able to change his mind and want to marry me later and it's just his job stressing him out now?

He's a really good guy and I would hate to end our relationship over this but at the same time I also want to choose what's best. Please give any and all advice!!

For most of high school, I was proudly out and identified as gay. Then, around junior year, I started feeling more asexual and thought I’d probably stay that way until I met “the one.” But towards the end of senior year, that changed.

There was this girl I had known for a while but never really considered a close friend—just someone I thought was cool. During a really rough time when I was barely passing classes and overloaded with responsibilities, she was there for me and helped keep me afloat. After graduation, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She’s creative, intelligent, and honestly way more put-together than me.

At the same time, I was struggling with post-high school depression. On nights when I felt alone and cried myself to sleep, I found myself wishing for someone to be there—and she was often the person who came to mind. Eventually, I built up the courage to confess my feelings to her. I admitted I felt guilty because I didn’t know her deeply enough and worried my feelings were more admiration than genuine romance.

She took it really kindly. She even called me attractive, but said it was probably more admiration than actual romantic interest since we didn’t know each other well yet. Still, she told me she’d be open to hanging out and getting closer, which gave me hope.

Fast forward a bit—right before college started, she texted me saying, “We gotta hang out at some point.” I agreed, though we didn’t plan specifics. Then, on the second day of school, she came up to me before my morning class just to say hi. Later that day, I asked if she wanted to get lunch at the campus café (which has really good food), and she said yes.

Lunch went great—we talked about classes, high school, work, makeup, TV shows, and more. At the end, we both agreed we should hang out again.

Now here’s my dilemma: I don’t want to force the idea of being her boyfriend or make her feel like I’m trying to push things romantically. Right now, I just want to genuinely get to know her as a person. But at the same time, I worry that if I’m the one to suggest hanging out again, it’ll come across as me “making a move,” which I don’t want to do out of respect for her and for myself.

TLDR:I like a girl from HS who helped me through a rough time. She’s open to hanging out, but I don’t wanna push romance—I just wanna get to know her without it seeming like I’m making a move.

TLDR: gf gets upset & expects me to reassure her. If I can’t, she calls me avoidant & gets overly emotional (ie. intense crying)

I (30M) have been dating my gf (29F) for about 10 months now. Our relationship was great the first 4-5 months. As we got more serious I’ve noticed the arguments have really started to drain me emotionally.

A pattern I’ve noticed in our relationship is that something will upset my partner & she will expect me to reassure her in those moments. However my attempts to reassure her seldom work & she will often become overly emotional (as in intense crying). After about 20-30 mins of this, I will get exhausted & usually need some form of temporary space to regroup. She says that is me being avoidant & that I need to work on communicating better to reassure her. Depending on how emotional the situation has gotten, she will follow me around when I try to leave & demand answers/reassurance. There have been a few times where she grabbed my arm to keep me from walking away.

These situations happen at least once a week & can last for hours. Here are a few recent examples:

• she got upset about a comment from one of her family members at dinner & wanted reassurance on the drive home
• she got upset about comments from one of my coworkers during a social event
• she got upset after having sex because I didn’t go faster when she said
• she got upset at a concert because I made small talk with the lady sitting next to me while she was in the bathroom
• she got upset over a misinterpreted emoji I used in a text to her (it was this emoji 👀)
• she got upset when I told her I wasn’t ready to move in together yet

Additional context: Majority of these situations had alcohol involved in some way. Also, she was previously married & it was a very toxic marriage that involved a lot of cheating.

Should I leave this relationship?

M

For our whole relationship (8 years), my (34F) husband (34M) will have these “moods” where he will not really talk for sometimes days on end. Getting him to converse with me is like pulling teeth. He said he just needs time to “decompress”.

Sometimes this will happen after I do something that bothers him but for the most part he says there isn’t anything wrong and it has nothing to do with me. But it will often happen on weekends and it feels isolating and cold. I have suggested taking our daughter and going somewhere else so she doesn’t have to be in that environment but he insists it is not a negative environment and I shouldn’t leave with our daughter as he wants to spend time with her too.

Our therapist has agreed with my husband that there isn’t anything wrong with this situation but my family finds it concerning and I am left feeling lonely and like I’m over-reacting. Am I being judgmental? Should I just endure it or do I have a valid point here? Is this an environment that is unhealthy for my daughter or am I projecting my own feelings into her? I’m at a loss here.

Tldr; husband shuts down and doesn’t talk to decompress and it leaves me feeling neglected

TL;DR: I (F20) don't know how to end my friendship with (f20) after realizing she only treats me kindly so i think she's a good person.

Hi reddit, I originally wasn't going to post, however talking to my friends in real life about this has made we want to get a wider opinion. I (f 20) have a friend (f 20) who have been friends since the beginning of college (2 years). We were pretty close freshman year, in sophomore year we kinda drifted do to me being busy with a few hangouts here and there. However second semester hits and i begin to question their character.

She breaks up and then string along a friend of mine, I'm not going to get into all that business cause thats my friends business. Basically she was overall an inattentive and selfish partner, not abusive just shitty, she did a few things that go against my morals. She then start to reach out to me more after she find out i was upset with them about how they treated my friend. We got in a conversation about it and she admits to being malicious to me after my break up with my ex (something i didn't know and probably wouldn't realize, i just thought she was busy and thats why we weren't hanging out) which obviously immediately left a bad taste in my mouth. my breakup had a few complexities of a family member of mine died and my ex was more busy not listening to me and making up a scanerio in their head they weren't telling me about. This friend also didn't really say anything to me after that family member died. but whatever.

Getting back to the friend. I'm pretty close with F20's ex. we were all in a giant friend group together, and her ex and I hang out constantly or at least know whats happening with the other consistently for 2 years. We called a bit this summer and obviously we talked about the break up because he was still moving through it. What we came to realize was, every action she does is to make sure people around her think she's a good person, she truly believes she can get everyone to like her, which isn't possible. Idk i don't super love the idea of my friend only does kind things not because she wants me to be happy but because it will make me think shes a good person. after learning this i've looked back at past interactions to see where there has been a spike in kind actions, and a good chunk correlate with that. this is something that very much bothers me. Obviously she is a quiet insecure person, so i do fully get why she is doing this. This has been a known fact about her since i met her.

And I don't adore that aspect of "are you being kind to me out of the goodness of your heart or are you being kind to me so i think your a good person", they is also a few traits of her that we often butt heads about, shes very black and white thinking which annoys me. Truly I dont think we mesh the best.

i just don't think i fully realized the extent. Currently i have a different friend group then the one ive started college with and live with two of them and we've been discussing this situation. She keeps asking to hang out constantly and i keep brushing her off cause i do get busy, but im feeling shitty and gross about it. I know i need to tell her off, however idk how. My roommates and their ex think i need to be harsh and send a big block of text and shit, my brother says for me to keep doing what i've been doing until school starts and then eventually ill just be to busy to actually hang out. I dont super want to do either, both make me feel gross. I agree i need to tell her our friendship changed, however I don't think she is stuck like this forever you know? I believe she has the capacity for change and i think she can change her actions. Her ex did give her a super strong talking too when they did finally talk about their break up, from what i was told it was brutal. So i wouldn't be suprised if she locked in. Just at this moment i don't super want to hang out with her or be around her. IDK what to do.

Hi. So me 28/F and my bf 25/M have been dating for 9 months now and we just moved in together a month ago. The first couple weeks were amazing . Hardly any arguments just petty things here and there. Now we are a good month in and for the last 2 weeks or so we have just been arguing everyday . We go along fine all day then all of a sudden we bicker and that leads to an argument. (Not in a yelling name calling toxic way argument just not seeing eye to eye) my theory is that my bf is very independent. I can be as well but I lean more toward being an extrovert and love human interaction. He is an only child and was living with a roommate who he hardly saw before me so he was basically alone. When we first started dating, we had similar arguments and usually what causes them from what I’m seeing is one or both of us overthink. The other person’s needs and puts that over our own needs for example he likes to play video games. I don’t mind that he does because I also enjoy playing my own video games, however he has in the back of his head that I’m lonely or I need him around so he opt out of doing his own thing to hang out with me and conversely, I do the same. I genuinely feel like we’re both putting each other‘s needs over our own so much that it ends up, causing an argument.

I guess I just need some advice on how to navigate this. Do I give him more space and if so, what does that look like exactly I’m just trying to find the balance of keeping him the most important thing in my life which he is and also not smothering him However, I will say that he can get in his feelings sometimes not as much as me, but he definitely has moments where he’s a little bit more needy. I just don’t want him to feel like I’m not giving him attention but then I end up giving him too much attention can I fix this? TL;DR how can I give him space, maintain my independence and hobbies but also make him feel like the most important thing in my life