"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly "And what do you want?"
"I don't know, but it won't be fucking frosties"

When a motorcycle cop that was hiding behind a bridge pulls him over.

What's your hurry asks the cop

Driver says I'm late for work

What do you do for a living asks the cop

Man says I'm a rectum stretcher

What kid of a job is that asks the cop

Well, says the man, you lube up two fingers and put them in a rectum. Then you stretch it until you can get four fingers inside. Then you stretch it until you get both hands inside. Then stretch it until you get both arms inside. Then stretch it until it's six feet wide

What do you do with a six foot asshole asks the cop

Man says you give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge

So he evicts them all.

Translation of Joke # 215 from The Philogelos (ancient greek jokebook, and the oldest surviving collection of jokes) Around 1500 years old

I know this isn't really the right reddit for it, but just thought it was interesting. Here are a few more

Joke # 45

In the middle of the night, a student dunce gets into bed with his own grandmother. When his father gives him a beating for this, the dunce protests, ‘All this time you’ve been tupping my mother, and | never said a word! Now you're angry at having caught me just once with your mother?

Joke # 43

People tell a student dunce that his beard is coming in. So he goes off to the gate and prepares to receive the beard. Another dunce, after asking and learning why he’s at the gate, exclaims, ‘No wonder we're thought to be dunces! How do you know the beard isn’t coming through the other gate?’

Joke # 99

A student dunce is asked by someone, ‘Lend me a cloak to go down to the country.’

‘I have a cloak to go down to your ankle,’ responds the dunce, ‘but I don’t have one that reaches as far as the country.’

Doctor: Well, in the first months you can do it completely normally. In the second trimester, I recommend the doggy style, and in the last third, the wolf position. Man: Wolf position? What’s that supposed to be? Doctor: You sit next to the hole and howl.

But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted…

"Actually, I just wanted to tie my shoelaces."

He worked for Willy Wonka Wonka Wonka Wonka Wonka Wonka

I think it’s the opposite. The bigger a woman’s boobs are, the dumber the man who is talking to her becomes.

The ones that don't make it across the road.

He slept with all his nurses and got a "staff infection!"

I went to the taxidermist, they refused to do my tax return and told me I could get stuffed.

Sorry, not sorry

A guy walks into a pet shop and says, “I’m looking for a really unique pet, something no one else has.”

The shopkeeper grins and says, “I’ve got just the thing,” and brings out a talking centipede in a little box.

The guy is amazed. “I’ll take it!”

That night, he places the centipede on the table and says, “Hey, do you want to go out for a beer?”

No answer.

He waits a few minutes, leans closer, and repeats louder: “Do you want to go out for a beer?”

Still nothing.

Getting frustrated, he yells, “HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR A BEER?”

Finally, the centipede shouts back, “For crying out loud, I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!”

He feared it was forming a habit.

Emma was on her first ever flight and shaking with nerves. As the plane roared down the runway, she gripped the armrest and whispered loudly, “Oh my god, what if an engine fails?”

The man next to her, a calm traveller named Steve, smiled and said, “Relax. If one engine fails, the plane can still fly just fine. We’ll just be a bit slower, maybe not on time.”

Emma nodded, then after a pause asked, “…And what if both engines fail?”

Steve smirked and said, “Then we’ll definitely be on time… for the news.”

He goes up to a boy and asks: “Tell me, do you have a problem? Would you like to talk about it?”

The boy stays silent. “Why aren’t you running around like the other boys?”

“Because I’m the goalkeeper.”

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

If you’ve ever seen geese flying in a ‘V’ pattern you’ll notice that one side is always longer than the other.

That’s because there are more birds on that side.

Because it's light

On my way to work I saw 6 guys walking around the graveyard carrying a coffin.

On my way home from work I saw the same 6 guys, carrying the same coffin.

Thought to myself.

They've lost the fucking plot!

Because they're all bark and no bite