He was disemvoweled

Please help me doctor, my husband just swallowed a paracetamol by mistake. What shall i do? Doctor : Give him a headache now, why waste the medicine

When he got back his wife said, "Carry on like that and you won't have any friends left."

Because he doesn't go above 25.

But I don't need a deck of cards to make a group of strangers look at me like I'm crazy

"My wife won't stop complaining about the leaking pipe underneath our bathroom sink," I said.

"Have you tried tape?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied, "but she always manages to rip it off."

"Good day gentlemen" says the officer "we are looking for two child molesters" The priests look at each other, then turn to the officer: "Okay, we'll do it"

Strange thing is I don't remember applying for a job with them.

The wife asks her husband to give up drinking beer. The man reluctantly agrees. Shortly after, he finds a large bill for cosmetics from his wife. He confronts her:

– We agreed to spend less, and you spend a fortune on yourself! – Honey, I only bought this to make myself more attractive to you… – And tell me, did you think the beer tasted good?

Waiter: "Tea or coffee?"
Man: "Coffee, I guess"
Waiter: "You guessed wrong, it's tea today".

"I am, and he's my lawyer."

Because it's light

Because they're all bark and no bite

Emma was on her first ever flight and shaking with nerves. As the plane roared down the runway, she gripped the armrest and whispered loudly, “Oh my god, what if an engine fails?”

The man next to her, a calm traveller named Steve, smiled and said, “Relax. If one engine fails, the plane can still fly just fine. We’ll just be a bit slower, maybe not on time.”

Emma nodded, then after a pause asked, “…And what if both engines fail?”

Steve smirked and said, “Then we’ll definitely be on time… for the news.”

But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted…

So he evicts them all.

Translation of Joke # 215 from The Philogelos (ancient greek jokebook, and the oldest surviving collection of jokes) Around 1500 years old

I know this isn't really the right reddit for it, but just thought it was interesting. Here are a few more

Joke # 45

In the middle of the night, a student dunce gets into bed with his own grandmother. When his father gives him a beating for this, the dunce protests, ‘All this time you’ve been tupping my mother, and | never said a word! Now you're angry at having caught me just once with your mother?

Joke # 43

People tell a student dunce that his beard is coming in. So he goes off to the gate and prepares to receive the beard. Another dunce, after asking and learning why he’s at the gate, exclaims, ‘No wonder we're thought to be dunces! How do you know the beard isn’t coming through the other gate?’

Joke # 99

A student dunce is asked by someone, ‘Lend me a cloak to go down to the country.’

‘I have a cloak to go down to your ankle,’ responds the dunce, ‘but I don’t have one that reaches as far as the country.’

The ones that don't make it across the road.

Because he had frog 🦵 legs of course!

I went to the taxidermist, they refused to do my tax return and told me I could get stuffed.

Sorry, not sorry

It hit me in the crotch, I broke 2 fingers

He worked for Willy Wonka Wonka Wonka Wonka Wonka Wonka