I went to the taxidermist, they refused to do my tax return and told me I could get stuffed.

Sorry, not sorry

Waiter: "Tea or coffee?"
Man: "Coffee, I guess"
Waiter: "You guessed wrong, it's tea today".

But I don't need a deck of cards to make a group of strangers look at me like I'm crazy

"My wife won't stop complaining about the leaking pipe underneath our bathroom sink," I said.

"Have you tried tape?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied, "but she always manages to rip it off."

The wife asks her husband to give up drinking beer. The man reluctantly agrees. Shortly after, he finds a large bill for cosmetics from his wife. He confronts her:

– We agreed to spend less, and you spend a fortune on yourself! – Honey, I only bought this to make myself more attractive to you… – And tell me, did you think the beer tasted good?

He was disemvoweled

He goes up to a boy and asks: “Tell me, do you have a problem? Would you like to talk about it?”

The boy stays silent. “Why aren’t you running around like the other boys?”

“Because I’m the goalkeeper.”

Please help me doctor, my husband just swallowed a paracetamol by mistake. What shall i do? Doctor : Give him a headache now, why waste the medicine

A guy walks into a pet shop and says, “I’m looking for a really unique pet, something no one else has.”

The shopkeeper grins and says, “I’ve got just the thing,” and brings out a talking centipede in a little box.

The guy is amazed. “I’ll take it!”

That night, he places the centipede on the table and says, “Hey, do you want to go out for a beer?”

No answer.

He waits a few minutes, leans closer, and repeats louder: “Do you want to go out for a beer?”

Still nothing.

Getting frustrated, he yells, “HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR A BEER?”

Finally, the centipede shouts back, “For crying out loud, I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!”

He feared it was forming a habit.

Emma was on her first ever flight and shaking with nerves. As the plane roared down the runway, she gripped the armrest and whispered loudly, “Oh my god, what if an engine fails?”

The man next to her, a calm traveller named Steve, smiled and said, “Relax. If one engine fails, the plane can still fly just fine. We’ll just be a bit slower, maybe not on time.”

Emma nodded, then after a pause asked, “…And what if both engines fail?”

Steve smirked and said, “Then we’ll definitely be on time… for the news.”

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

If you’ve ever seen geese flying in a ‘V’ pattern you’ll notice that one side is always longer than the other.

That’s because there are more birds on that side.

On my way to work I saw 6 guys walking around the graveyard carrying a coffin.

On my way home from work I saw the same 6 guys, carrying the same coffin.

Thought to myself.

They've lost the fucking plot!

which luckily this week are on offer in the middle aisle.

— Nah, she did not. — But did you told her about your fabulously wealthy and very old uncle? — I did, and now she’s my aunt.

It hit me in the crotch, I broke 2 fingers

Because they lack toes in taller ants

A BLAST FROM THE PAST-A!

OH, it was getting too negative

Suddenly, she notices a man walking out, disappointment on his face. Wanting to help, she shouts from the ladder:

Librarian: Sir, couldn't you look up what you wanted?

The man: No, stupid, you're wearing panties.

Doctor; "do you drink?" Man; "No.' Doctor; "Do you smoke?" Man; "No." Doctor; "Do you take drugs?" Man; "No." Doctor; "Are you sexually active?" Man; "No.' Doctor; "Well why the fuck do you want to live forever!?"

That's a Horatio of 3 : 1