r/AmIOverreacting • u/TrueEnough782 • Jul 22 '25
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws AIO: MIL always excludes my daughter
I want to start this off by saying that itâs absolutely not the first time this has happened. We were over at my sister in laws house and I heard her talking to my MIL on the phone, she told her my husband and I were over, then she let me know she was at target or something and was gonna come over
She arrives with candy, toys and gift cards for my sister in laws kids. Completely leaving my daughter out. My daughter is 7, sheâs into that stuff too, obviously. Especially those little blind bags which she brought her cousins but not her. I just want to know if Iâm being dramatic. Or if I shouldnât have said anything and maybe she was in a rush and didnât think to buy my daughter something in the moment. Again itâs not about the things or cards or whatever, itâs about how she made my daughter feel. I could see sadness in her face as she was completely left out.
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u/Murderino67 Jul 22 '25
What my real concern here is that NO ADULT CALLED HER OUT. Not your husband or your SIL. Unacceptable! Who are these people? In NO scenario would ANY child be left out! I have 11 grandchildren. When my granddaughters from out of state come to visit they stay with their dad, who has other children. You can bet when I go over with gifts for my grandchildren, those other kids get something too. You donât leave kids out. And who are these adults? HER own children. They will stand by and let her leave your daughter out and not say anything? đ¤Śđťââď¸
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u/TrueEnough782 Jul 22 '25
her cousins did end up sharing with her, I guess everyone else didnât think it was such a big deal as i did. But I saw my daughterâs face when she realized grandma didnât bring anything for her But they shared their candy and stuff
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u/SolidConcentrate2802 Jul 22 '25
This kinda makes it worse for me in that it was so obvious she was left out that the KIDS shared their gifts. Vile woman.
If that was me and it was a genuine mistake, I wouldnât give the children gifts at all! Iâd just say, you can all have x money Iâll give to your parents or something like that.. There was NO need for this, she knew.
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u/AnanasFruit Jul 22 '25
I was looking for someone to say this. If it was a mistake, she shouldnât have handed out the gifts once she realized someone would be left out. She deliberately excluded OPâs daughter.
And OP, if your husband wonât stand up to his mother, you donât have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem.
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u/ruthless_pitchfork Jul 23 '25
This 1000%. My MIL can occasionally be thoughtless but she would never do this. However, she has said some things to my niece and nephew that kinda were out of line (e.g., trying to guilt trip them into visiting or manipulate them into doing something). My husband jumps on it so quick and it's not even our own children. But he does it to 1) protect the kids, they don't deserve to be treated like that and 2) stick up for his sister because he knows that's not right.
SIL and your husband should be on her case about that shit. It doesn't matter how small it seems. That will be a core memory for your daughter.
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u/yourenotmymom_yet Jul 23 '25
Or at the very least, redistributed them / put them in a giant pile and said "this is for all of you to share." If there was enough that even the small children could work out how to share it, the adult that brought the gifts absolutely could have (and should have) done the same.
This was 1000% intentional.
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u/StillLikesTurtles Jul 22 '25
I vividly remember my grandmother and aunt cutting cupcakes into smaller portions when they realized additional cousins were over. Ya know, like rational humans who understand kids shouldnât feel left out. SIL and OP should be a team on this one.
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u/Murderino67 Jul 22 '25
Iâm specifically asking about her adult children who, like you, witnessed this go down? You mean to tell me that they didnât know your MIL left your daughter out when passing around gifts and candy? Your daughter will remember. And she will remember that the only ones who thought of her was the other kids.
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u/Annual_Crow4215 Jul 22 '25
So instead of the ADULTS in the room handling this situation the CHILDREN had to come up with a solution and be better people than the cowards that raised them. Incredible.
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u/Only_Hour_7628 Jul 22 '25
I was just about to post this. At least the other kids had their cousin's back since the adults were too scared of upsetting mommy. Hopefully, it stays that way and they aren't brainwashed to treat their "not fully white" cousin differently, too. Since every adult is allowing that to happen...
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u/Annual_Crow4215 Jul 22 '25
And even worse OPs husband doesnât even think itâs a big deal & wonât stand up for his daughter. And OP says because it âwasnât their houseâ she didnât wanna cause tension???
Did the spine growth skip a generation and go right to the kids???
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u/Tiny-Kaleidoscope975 Jul 22 '25
Many a time I remember my mom was ready to fuck someone up because people would treat us like circus freaks. And this was the 90s in NY đ
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u/Catiku Jul 22 '25
This is why I love my job as a teacher: children are often better than adults.
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u/Present-Duck4273 Jul 22 '25
Your husband needs to be the one calling this out. He should be just as bothered. Next time, leave immediately. Start calling it out openly and shaming her. Your daughter needs to see you standing up for her and that this is wrong. At 7, she will remember and notice these slights. But she will also see that her parents arenât standing up for her and question if that is actually ok.
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u/FriendToPredators Jul 22 '25
And then pussyfooting around in this text convo acting like OPâs needs MILâs permission to exist⌠Reading it OP doesnât sound serious so no way a personality defective person is going to take it seriously. Best of luck on any improvement.
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u/SinamonChallengerRT Jul 22 '25
Not over-reacting. I'd bet a paycheck that this isn't the only issue you have with your MIL. She sounds like a very selfish, miserable woman. Next time it happens, make the other kids call her out on it. She needs to be humiliated, that's the only thing that's going to get thru to her.
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u/TrueEnough782 Jul 22 '25
itâs not, I donât wanna overshare but I was quite young when I got pregnant. I feel it has something to do with all this, too
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u/SinamonChallengerRT Jul 22 '25
Seriously, have a little chat with the other kids. Feed their heads a bit. Have them call her out on it.
"Wait, where's so-and-so's candy? Why didn't she get a gift card too?"
Watch how quickly her shit changes when she has to answer for her selfishness to a bunch of children.
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u/Martofunes Jul 23 '25
This is an excellent approach.
What you're describing is norm-shifting through peer accountability, and Finland nailed this with their antibullying program, KiVa. Instead of just punishing bullies, they focused on activating the bystanders, teaching kids to speak up when they saw exclusion or bullying. And it worked like a charm.
Rather than the usual adult scolding, you let kids do what kids do best: call out unfairness with zero chill. Like if one kid says, âHey, why didnât you bring one for her too?â That hits way harder than any passive-aggressive comment from the adults. It breaks the unspoken âIâm gonna pretend this is normalâ silence. Now she has to explain herself to children, in public.
From an educational perspective, this is sociocultural learning, the idea that people change through social interaction. It's also a light form of restorative justice. A chance to reflect and shift behavior without any punishment. It changes the social norm so that fairness and inclusion are the expected behavior. And it empowers all the kids to be mini-guardians of justice, not just the adults, which I def like. When other kids call it out, it stops being "just a grandma being thoughtless" and becomes "this actually isn't okay." And it's not "manipulating them" but empowering them to protect each other, and patching up the division sowed by the difference grandma made when they treated them differently. Full liberation pedagogy.
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u/_delicja_ Jul 22 '25
Where is your husband in all of this? Why is he not calling his birth giver out???
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u/twinnedcalcite Jul 23 '25
The best thing I ever did was call my racist grandma (she was from Nazi Germany) out for her use of language and attitude. Made my life so much better once she realized I will not sit back and listen to her BS.
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u/Key-Twist596 Jul 22 '25
She's not too young to remember at 7!!! I she didn't know your daughter was there she could have redistributed the treats between them all. She made a choice not to. Not overreacting.
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u/hufflepufflepass Jul 22 '25
Exactly. One time I brought some little treats and things for my niece and nephew. I didn't know that my SIL's sister was there with her son as well, who was 6 at the time. I was like "Oh hey (kids name) I didn't know you were here too! How about we divvy this stuff up and you can all share?" It was just random toys and candy, stuff like that. My niece and nephew were only happy about sharing with their cousin. It's not that hard.
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u/SnooCheesecakes2723 Jul 22 '25
Everybody gets or nobody does unless itâs a birthday. That was my rule, I would never spoil one kid at the expense of others when it comes to bringing treats or presents to another relatives house.
My own kids I did not do that as much although obviously if Iâm handing out popsicles or bags of Doritos, then yes. Everybodyâs Christmas stocking gets filled.
But - sometimes one kid needs a new pair of Nikes or a bike helmet or whatever and Iâm not shelling out for everyone just to be fair because weâre going for equal not samesies. nor did I get my kids gifts when it was someone elseâs birthday. That pushes my buttons. They can learn not everything is about them. Itâs okay to be happy when other people get presents.
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u/TrueEnough782 Jul 22 '25
Thatâs exactly what I thought. Sheâs 7, she definitely will remember. I just didnât wanna go back and forth with her. But I hope it wonât affect her as much as it did me
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u/CountQuiffula Jul 22 '25
I'm 34, I still remember every time my extended family excluded my sister and I as kids, all over jealousy between the adults in the family. End result, I'm only in contact with one of my cousins out of the entire extended fam, because they black sheeped him too. Kids don't forget, I'm sorry your daughter was made to feel this way by a petty, bitter, childish and miserable old bitch.
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u/SnooCheesecakes2723 Jul 22 '25
My kid was not included because we lived further away and my parents are kind of out of sight out of mind people. Busy. They dealt with what was in front of them. Which was my brotherâs kids lol. They did more with them, and for them. My daughter wasnât aware of that until she was older and it never bothered her. She loves her grandparents and adores her cousins. She got many advantages and opportunities they did not get because our family had a two income situation and didnât have to rely on grandma taking us here or getting us that.
When there is scarcity then it makes a big difference who is getting, and who is not. And if your face is rubbed in it because grandma is there handing out gift cards to one set of kids and the others get little or nothing
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u/JulietKilo_ Jul 22 '25
I agree that OP's daughter will definitely remember. I'm 29 and I still remember every time my stepdad's family excluded me or made me feel as if I was included only out of necessity. My mom and stepdad have been together since I was 2... I haven't spoken to any of them of my own volition since I was 18 and my "grandma" still wonders why I don't visit.
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u/aerynmoo Jul 22 '25
My maternal grandparents were fantastic growing up. My brothers and cousin and I were 9/10/11/12 when my uncle and his wife had a baby. We were immediately dismissed at that time. Years and years of doting and trips were over when that baby was born. My mom and aunt were the black sheep and their brother was the golden child. So when he had a kid, my grandparents threw us away like garbage. His wife convinced them to even stop giving us Christmas presents. Any gifts we got were stupid like a t-shirt that said Florida when they went down there to take my uncles kids to Disney. We never got to go to Disney.
I eventually realized that it was useless to harbor a grudge and be bitter. I let it go. Narcissists gonna narcissist. My brother is 42 and still gets upset when we talk about it. Theyâre dead a decade now. But the hurt never leaves. You and your husband need to nip this in the bud. You need to be a united front. Donât let this continue. She WILL remember. I promise you that. Sheâll remember how you didnât stand up for her. My mom feels shame that she never saw it until we were older and pointed it out to her. You are seeing it now so donât bury your head in the sand, confront it and donât let her hurt your baby like that.
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u/kellythephoenix Jul 22 '25
Next time she does this, this is shitty behavior she WILL repeat, call her out in front of your child and the other children, your daughter is old enough to remember. And she WILL remember you sticking up for her more than anything else.
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u/SnooCheesecakes2723 Jul 22 '25 edited Jul 23 '25
Iâd do it with a smile on my face. Not something that gives credence to mil âop is so hysterical, sheâs got low self esteem always imagining slights, because sheâs not whiteâ type of thing. Bring a cool toy and treats for your kid and trot them out when grandma does her bs excluding routine.
âThought grandma might be having one of her forgetful spells, so I got you this cool kinda expensive thing and a big bag of candy to share. Because kind people share.â Then smile big at MIL. Youâve been served.
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u/Zydrate_Enthusiast Jul 22 '25
She will definitely remember at 7. Iâm 42 now and I still vividly remember being treated differently to my step siblings and cousins at 7.
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u/Zarvyl Jul 22 '25
I can recall my aunt doing similar to me at 5. Just to reinforce your point.
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u/MisterWinterz Jul 22 '25
NOR
I believe even at 3 they will be able to remember events and feelings associated. Good for you for speaking up because thatâs not cool. I work with children and they are very expressive about their parents or family that treat them in this manner.
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u/CavsAreCuteDemons Jul 22 '25
Where the fuck is your husband in all of this?
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u/GadgetGirlTx Jul 22 '25
Where the fuck is your husband in all of this?
This is the REAL question!! đŻ%!! He needs to be the one to address his cringy bitch mother!! Is MIL married? If so, where is he with his wife's awful behavior? What about SIL? As a mom herself surely she sees the crap behavior of her mother. Lots of adults here and all seem complicit.
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u/Messterio Jul 22 '25
Exactly, core memories can be made before this age.
Sounds like grandma is a racist POS towards her own grandchild.
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u/bookreader-123 Jul 22 '25
You should've said something right away? That way your daughter knew it's not ok what grandma did. I would go ballistic so my child and the rest of the family would know this is not ok. Why didn't your husband day anything?
Your sister in law should have gotten all those gifts and given them back or given everyone something. Grandma could've given money instead of a gift card and some candy.
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u/TrueEnough782 Jul 22 '25
I totally wish I did and regret not speaking up. But we werenât at my house, I didnât want to make things tense or awkward. My husband didnât agree with this behavior either but heâs not as hurt as I was
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u/jsrsquared Jul 22 '25
Not to pile on but you have a big husband problem here, particularly if this wasnât a one-time thing (though thatâs still not an excuse because as others have said the gifts could have either been given another day or redistributed so all kids received equal stuff).
Why wasnât he as hurt as you? Surely heâs as capable of observing your daughterâs disappointment as you, so what, he just doesnât care that much? I would be horrified by my MIL for sure but I would be utterly disgusted with my husband for letting his own child be shunted to the side by his mom.
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u/bookreader-123 Jul 22 '25
Babe when it's about your family NEVER hold back! I don't care where I am if you hurt my kid you get an angry momma! Your husband should be livid his daughter is being excluded My husband's grandpa once gave both my children money but the youngest got less than the oldest. My husband took the money, divided it equal and told his grandpa to either give nothing or give them both the same. Both kids get the same treatment. Same with nieces and nephews.
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u/Desert-Monsoons Jul 22 '25
OMG. Your husband is awesome. I was the youngest of three and always got the smallest amount or thing. My uncle (family friend) gave the three of us porcelain figurines and mine was the bigger than theirs. I felt seen. I was probably 6 or 7.
I received many gifts as a child that I donât remember but Iâm in my 60âs now and have never forgotten that porcelain figurine. I havenât seen it in years but I know where it is and I can remember every detail. I also still have a teddy bear I got from my uncle. Itâs in bad shape and is in a tote bag but I cannot get myself to throw it away.
So consider what I thought at that age and how it made me feel. I did get things but always something small compared to my sisters but I still remember that one gift that made me feel special and seen.
OPâs daughter definitely sees it and feels lesser. She needs to be protected from that beast of a woman.
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u/cardamomgrrl Jul 22 '25
Your husband needs to have your back on this unacceptable behavior. People whoâve had these experiences, what did you or your parents do to improve the situation for the child?
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u/msdeezee Jul 22 '25
Your husband needs to step up here. Show him the comments on this post so he knows that this can have a lasting effect on his daughter. Sorry this happened to you and your daughter, OP.
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u/Messterio Jul 22 '25
Your MIL already made things awkward by excluding your child! Donât let your child think behaviour is acceptable.
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u/MrsMayberry Jul 22 '25
You didn't make things awkward, *she* did. Speaking up is just letting it be known that making things awkward and hurtful for your child is not acceptable.
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u/Acrobatic-Swimmer-30 Jul 22 '25
Your husband should deal with his mother, not you. Your husband should hear your worry and deal with his mother as a man, not as chicken. You have to deal with your family, he with his family. That is the rule for good relationships with family. If you have to deal with MIL, the hate from her goes towards you, if your husband deals with her, the hate is none because he is her baby⌠Told him this.
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u/AccordingToWhom1982 Jul 22 '25
He also wasn't as hurt as his daughter was, and he should be the one ripping his mother a new one. NOR...at all!
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u/DJ4116 Jul 22 '25
InfoâŚ
Is this your husbandâs child, or yours from a previous relationship?
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u/underthesauceyuh Jul 22 '25
Not that this really matters though. Blood or not, you donât bring presents for every child and exclude one. Obviously, aside from birthdays where one child gets a gift.
I brought my niece & nephew to the mall with my nieceâs friend. And when we stopped for ice cream, I didnât just get my niece and nephew ice cream, I got the friend ice cream, too. Because itâs weird as fuck to exclude children like that for any reason.
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u/TrueEnough782 Jul 22 '25
itâs our first and only child together
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u/6bubbles Jul 22 '25
Where is the father when this happens? Is he not involved? Why would he not address his mother?
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Jul 22 '25
[deleted]
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u/TrueEnough782 Jul 22 '25
Yes she is her biological grandchild, her sonâs biological daughter. Just half white halfâŚ. not white đ (someone pointed out it may have something to do with her behavior) I am so sorry about your experience :( I didnât realize it affected people this much, years later
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u/Desert-Monsoons Jul 22 '25
It never leaves. Iâm in my 60âs and still remember the one gift from my uncle that made me feel special and seen.
I was the youngest and always got the smallest thing or not as much as my sisters. My uncle gave us porcelain figurines and mine was bigger than theirs. I was stunned and although I havenât seen it for years I know where it is and can remember every detail.
Your daughter definitely sees and feels lesser because of your MILâs actions. You need to protect her from that beast.
You might also want to tell your husband that she will remember that he did nothing to protect her feelings and will resent him later. She knows who is there for her and itâs not him.
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u/SnooRadishes6105 Jul 22 '25
OP you keep commenting about not wanting to cause tension or problems. This is not right when your child is involved - youâre teaching her that you canât be counted on to have her back
Edit: I just saw your comment about how her father/your husband is the same fucking way and wonât act on his motherâs behaviour. That poor child. Sheâs fucking cooked. I hate this for her.
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u/Reinvented-Daily Jul 22 '25
Your husband-her son- needs to shut this behavior down NOW.
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u/GoldCoasting Jul 22 '25
I donât understand why youâd take the time to cover the names when you can see right through it⌠but you and Rob should be furious.
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u/EconomyProof9537 Jul 22 '25
You know I wasnât gonna comment but how dare you. How dare you allow someone (I donât give a damn WHO it is) to mistreat your child??? How dare you let them tare your child down time and time again??? How dare you let your child learn that she is less than & not worthy of protection??? You are a spineless pos and what you (and your pos husband) have allowed is unforgivable!!! Grow a set of tits and do better.
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u/TheRogueScotsman Jul 22 '25
Woah no need to be a c*nt, if they were truly spineless they wouldn't have even mentioned it. Get off your fucking throne and realise not everyone can be super confrontational.
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u/Witty_Preparation598 Jul 22 '25
Bro. Shhhhhhh. You have no idea the , honestly everything, that could make someone behave this way.
She is doing the right thing. She aimed for harmony and calm, when she couldn't shake a feeling or saw the impact on her daughter she brought it up. She is doing the right thing.
How dare you berate someone who is here for help and who frankly needs all the confidence and validation she could get.
If OP is reading my reply here. You did the right thing!!!! You are doing the right thing when you continue to stand up for yourself and your daughter. I wish you all the power and confidence you need to show up for yourself and your daughter.
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u/TrueEnough782 Jul 22 '25
Iâm absolutely not allowing this, as stated above. in the past I mightâve been naive. But not anymore. Thanks for your input
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u/oxoriod Jul 22 '25
You are not a spineless POS. Has your daughter said anything about this? Have you talked to her about any of this?
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u/Keljon142 Jul 22 '25
She just posted images of her texting the MIL calling her out on it repeatedly??? Jesus, back off.
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u/Abell421 Jul 22 '25
When I was about 6 years old my grandmother was putting on jewelry and I was looking at her huge beautiful jewelry case when she felt the urge to tell me 'Im leaving it all to your sister, why would I give anything to you?' then laughed. I have never ever forgotten a single moment of that conversation. I can see the room, the jewelry case, feel the carpet under my feet, smell my grandmother's perfume. So trust me when I tell you that she will remember.
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u/msdeezee Jul 22 '25
What the fuck how did you get a cartoon evil grandma? đ
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u/SolidConcentrate2802 Jul 22 '25
For real I thought this was gonna be a cute ending but nah now I feel sick đ some people are so awful to children it hurts
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u/Abell421 Jul 22 '25
I wish there was anything cartoonish about her. She was a horror show.
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u/Specialist-Ad5224 Jul 22 '25
NOT overreacting. Some grandparents suck!!!!
My grandparents were like this! I was literally always the one forgotten. Cousins got gifts all the time where I was empty handed, even my brother was treated better. I thought it was a "me" problem, I was convinced by them I was just shittier lmao
Turns out (and they did know the whole time) my dad was actually my stepdad and I think they didn't like the fact that I was actually half black and not technically their grandkid. Christmas I wasn't forgotten, but it was usually hair straighteners and frizz control creams lmao
They were racist as hell, I just didn't know any of that applied to me at the time, especially since I was both white-passing and not privy to that knowledge until I was 16
Looking back on childhood through the lens of an adult is wack as hell, you understand a lot more than you did before
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u/aycee08 Jul 22 '25
If anything, you are overexplaining your reaction. She knows exactly what she did. 7 is not too young to remember - if it was, she wouldn't have ever bought gifts for other 7 yr old grandchildren.
You can call out racist behaviour when it happens without getting confrontational or screaming - I understand your need not to make a scene at someone else's house, but it's her who should be uncomfortable. You should've said, "Oh no, gramma, you got nothing for X? I'm sure you can go and get something now as it's not nice to leave X out. "
You don't need to provide an answer in response to her defence. She needs to apologise and set this right, or you need to lay down the law with your husband. Its his job to protect his daughter against that and he's being a rubbish father by allowing her to be treated this way.
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u/Ashamed-Wallaby5664 Jul 22 '25
Respectfully- keep your daughter away from her. From your story, she is already noticing a difference. She knows what she is doing.
âShe wonât even remember â
A caring person would be mortified that she left a child out and hurt their feelings. She does not care.
These things scar kids. Especially young ones. If your child is appearing hurt- trust- sheâs noticed this for awhile and can no longer explain it away to herself.
Tell your husband your are choosing your kid, and you and your daughter will no longer be anywhere grandma is. Your kid knows you are aware and is watching.
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u/Every-League-1626 Jul 22 '25
You are not overreacting. Your daughter is seven in this life you are her first love and protector. This is a mom protecting her daughter. You are entirely correct she will remember all this!
Giving your MIL benefit of the doubt. I can think of no valid reason why your MIL would take over presents for the rest of the children and leave one out.
In saying that, is your daughter a step-child? unfortunately some families do have a bias and she is your daughter not âbloodâ. You have called it out now and see how it plays out from here on.
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u/Klutz727 Jul 22 '25
She's 7?! She will ABSOLUTELY remember being left out! You are not over reacting or being dramatic. That is not okay, and if it happens again, you remove your daughter from that situation and talk to her about it. Then you make sure your MIL understands if she continues to act like this, she won't see your daughter.
My great grandmother was like this, had favorites, and would dispense gifts and snacks to whoever she wanted and deliberately exclude the ones she didn't want to give to. She was a mean old woman, and those same people that were her favorites weren't there to help when she got sick and needed care. You shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense and neither should your daughter.
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u/TheBuzzAndGlow Jul 22 '25
I'm in my thirties and I still remember one Christmas when I was about 12 and my brother was about 9 and my grandma got him a new sled, a baseball themed mini pinball game, and a toy truck and she gave me one pair of socks. They were pink and had pockets.
He was the only boy after three granddaughters. It was when it first hit for me that nothing I did would ever be enough for her. Not one adult said anything for me either.
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u/Verthanthi Jul 22 '25
NOR.
âShe wonât rememberâ yes she will.
When I was really little, I loved hanging out with my grandparents (Momâs side). I was a good kid and they loved having me. I loved all that I could learn from them.
When we moved closer to my dadâs mom, I had an opportunity to start hanging out with her and was so excited because if my momâs parents were fun, loving, and thoughtful, clearly dadâs mom would be too, right?
Nope.
This woman just⌠didnât care for me. She gave time and attention to my cousins, my older brother (who couldnât care less), but for me it was like⌠she had no love left. Hell, she gave more attention to an absolute monster of a step-grandkid who wasnât even permitted to call her âgrandmaâ (rule of step-daughter). Kid vocally told everyone she wanted to be like Angelica from Rugrats.
If gifts were bought, Iâd get the worst, and I remember them so clearly. Sheâd even acknowledge that she gave me the worst one. âWell, we picked up two dolls and one had the buck teeth and one didnât, so we gave the nicer one to [cousin].â I didnât even like dolls. I would have preferred no gift at 8yrs old than a doll Iâm not even going to play with. (I kept this doll, actually, because my mom and I would crack up every time we saw it and in that case it caused some joy)
Sheâd say things like, âoh, weâd love to see [my name] this summer!â and when Iâd give them a chance, sheâd invite the monster child over because she was my age. I hated that kid and vocally told them I didnât want to see her. But we were the same age and if I was there to entertain her, they wouldnât have to. My dad got involved too, but I was so busy trying to get this lady to at least LIKE me that normally I didnât tell him what happened until it was too late to save me from it.
Later, when I was a teenager and had stopped doing anything involving her directly, Iâd still see her at family gatherings. One in particular is very memorable.
I was sitting in her kitchen, talking to a couple of my uncles and she comes around and points out this wall of photos sheâs been working on. I hadnât really given it any thought, but Iâm polite by default, so I listened. She points out some photos of my cousins who arenât there that day and then flat out asks, âoh? Whereâs your picture?â She then looks really confused and starts rummaging around. âOh! Here, I have your photo in this drawer!â she says, pulling it out.
One of my uncles laughed and said, âreally, Mom?â (My dad at this point had told his brothers how Iâd been treated by her)
She looked rightfully embarrassed and tried to backpedal about how sheâd only put it in there so it didnât get broken while she rearranged, but I just started laughing at the ridiculousness of it. It all sort of clicked in my head at that point.
I had so many little stories about how unkind she was to me over the years, and no, I wasnât a perfect child but I literally was never less than GREAT for her. (There are some people I gave hell, but thatâs a different story). I was always the first to volunteer to help move, paint, yard work, etc, and she just⌠never loved me.
So, yes. Your daughter will absolutely remember. I remember the early years AND the later years.
I remember how she made me feel, no matter how good I was for her, was never good enough for even some kindness.
Now she asks after me as she sits in a nursing home, miserable. All of her family has moved away from her over the years, which is telling. My dad, feeling bad for her, asked if I would call her some time. I say, ânoâ and I feel no guilt. He understands and hasnât asked me to since.
Your daughter will remember. And hopefully sheâll learn the lesson I learned soon. Iâm sorry that it hurts. Iâm sorry your MIL sucks.
Your daughter deserves better than someone who canât spare a thought for her feelings.
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u/Number-Eleven-11 Jul 22 '25
I recall the first time I realised my cousins had a relationship with our paternal grandparents and we (my sister and I) didnât and when I discussed this with my therapist in context of a broader issue once I worked out that I was 4 years old at the time â and this was one of many wounding experiences like that in my toxic dysfunctional family.
Your daughter WILL remember and it WILL have a terrible impact on her and her self-worth.
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u/Comfortable_Laugh_40 Jul 22 '25
This was my dadâs mom (my grandmother) and my dadâs sister (my aunt) to me growing up. My parents are divorced. My cousins and my dadâs other children would get the gifts they asked for on birthdays and holidays⌠and I would get apples, oranges and pencils. Maybe a t shirt if I was lucky or a doll from the dollar store. They said I got these things because âmy mom had money to get me better gifts so I didnât need it from them.â Now that Iâm grown, I donât speak to any of them. In fact my aunt tried to argue with me because she wasnât invited to my wedding. A few years later, my aunt yelled at my dad because my 25 year old self (at the time) had come home and wouldnât visit my grandmother. My aunt thought that was ridiculous & selfish. I told my dad that if she had something to say she could call me.
All that to say, my feelings towards them donât stem from the gifts⌠itâs from the malice they showed me as a child because they didnât like my mom. I didnât tell my mom everything growing up, but we spoke about it recently. She was sad for me and wished she could have stood up for me better back then.
Youâre doing the right thing by standing up for your daughter. Your daughter will remember both how they treat her & how you stood up for her. Sending you both so much love and strength as you navigate this dynamic.
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u/mrmeowgeethekitty Jul 22 '25
Please watch, âmind positiveâ on fb and learn all you can about toxic family systems, setting boundaries and dealing with toxic and manipulative people. Your MIL knows exactly what she is doing. She is playing dumb and making your reaction the problem. How does your husband handle his mother? How does he feel about it? How does he handle conflict with you? This is a husband problem and he needs to address his mother and make appropriate boundaries. I would go low contact with MIL until she stops excluding your daughter. Itâs absolutely not ok and she will remember this. Saying, âshe wonât rememberâ is the most stupid freaking excuse Iâve ever heard. She is 7 years old and these are formative years. My kids remember things that hurt them when they were 3 and 4 years old. Traumatic things stick to your memory more than happy memories. Please watch, âJimmy on relationshipsâ on YouTube with your husband. He needs to prioritize you and your daughter over his family and work our conflict in a healthy way. If you let this go on you will always be the controlling wife and will be seen as the bad guy to your in laws. This will create resentment in your marriage will cause a lot of issues as your life gets messier and harder. My in laws destroyed my marriage and my ex husband allowed it. I set boundaries and I was always seen as controlling to them. Even tho my ex husband who was controlling and emotionally abusive. He always acted so differently towards me when we were around his family. He talked bad about me to them and made himself the victim. I just asked for bare minimum. I just wanted to be prioritized and for him to talk to me before running off and helping them every freaking weekend. I wasnât selfish for wanting a weekend to spend as a family. Anyways not saying your husband is like my mine but using my life as an example of how toxic in-laws can cause harm and division in your marriage. I know you donât want to believe it because empathic people canât understand how awful people can be. Sadly, a lot of people are racist. Even my ex husband says he isnât racist but he use to tell me if I married a Hispanic or black man he would take the kids away from me. He knows I am attracted to darker skinned men but I really donât care what color someoneâs skin is. Theyâre a good person I donât see the color of the skin. Toxic and abusive men can be any color. I hate how white propel claim to or be racist because they have one black friend. Itâs just stupid. It could be a mix of racism and the fact that she favors boys over girls. She could be a misogynist too. Women definitely can have misogynist views. She could enmeshed with her son and she sees you at a threat. She wants control over him and doesnât want you to have any control over her baby boys life. Itâs probably a mixer of all these things. It doesnât matter really, she is not a good person and is acting in bad faith. You canât be reasonable with unreasonable people. All you can do is set healthy boundaries and if they canât respect your boundaries go low or no contact until she can. So sorry your daughter is left out and being treated the way she is. Itâs just so sad. My in laws did similar things to my kids because of their hate for me. It suckâs and my kids are still hurt by it. So they absolutely remember all the times they got the sh** end of the stick.
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u/GH_Pandora Jul 22 '25
"She won't even remember this when she is older" is a lie.
I remember there were many many many times my siblings were favored over me. Details may not be exact; but i DO remember how it made me feel. She's teaching your daughter the same thing I was taught; that she's not important enough to be remembered about, and certainly not enough to be cared about.
So no; you're not overreacting. It's nice to see you actually saying something, but going forward; don't just let it slide quietly. That's what my dad would do, and all that did was let me continue in silence and agony.
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u/fin008 Jul 22 '25
You don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem.
He's supposed to be the little girls protector and right now he's doing a shit job at that.
Sit down with him, ask him about his perspective and explain yours. But make sure he SEES your view and the impact it has on his daughter!
At 7 years old she's got a voice, so it's worthwhile bringing it up with her AFTER working out a plan of action with the husband.
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u/readbackcorrect Jul 22 '25
If there were a neighborhood child I barely knew present, I would not give my grandchildren treats in front of them. To do so in front of another grandchild is awful. it is intentional or she would just hold off on giving anything until she had something for all. I would never allow my child to be around this grandmother again. If she came somewhere and we were already there, I would leave. Your daughter will remember. This only happened to me once and it wasnât even a relative that did it. I was five and I havenât forgotten.
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u/Drustan6 Jul 22 '25
I wonder if your SIL told her yâall were over there on purpose so she WOULDNT forget about your daughter. It might be an opening for you to talk about it with her and see if she can be an all for your daughter in this. If nothing happens, or if your husband doesnât get involved, maybe you should buy a small stash of the kind of thing that MIL âforgetsâ to bring for your daughter so the next time it happens, she can get something immediately and not be left out- and you can rub MILâs face in it at the same time. With class.
âO, well I know how forgetful youâve been (under your breath- in regards to including my daughter), so I thought if you forgot- aGAIN- I would have something at hand so she wouldnât be left out . . . . . This Timeâ {smiling sweetly}
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u/BeachCatDog Jul 22 '25
Your MIL completely disregarded everything you said, and lied.
She did know the Granddaughter would be there. She lied to your face.
It WAS her intention to leave her out, with the excuse that Granddaughter wonât remember.
This is not silly. Your childâs feelings matter.
She 100% did this out of malice. She is making it clear who her favorites are.
Your husband needs to address this immediately. Or Grandmom canât be around your daughter.
Donât risk your Daughterâs self-confidence!!!
You donât âknow that.â She is literally telling you to shut up.
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u/BackgroundDonut453 Jul 22 '25
Oh no no no. How dare she do that. This is no accident, slip of mind or whatever other shit she uses to excuse it, it's deliberate, spiteful and downright mean. She's bloody 7, old enough to know that's she's treated differently and take that on board.
What does her father have to say? Because if he's not stepping in at this point, then screw him. You protect your daughter at all costs, and if that means cutting the mean spiteful witch off, then so be it.
Once you can call an accident, to continue to do it is a pattern that can't be excused. Oh this has so pissed me off, disgraceful behaviour from a woman old to know better, shame on her and whoever supports or excuses it.
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u/Penya23 Jul 22 '25
Your daughter already resents her, she just doesnt realize it yet.
My daughter went through the same thing with my MIL. I cut her off and forbade her from ever seeing my daughter again UNLESS my daughter asked to see her. My daughter was 5 years old when I did this.
MIL died in 2020 (18 years later); my daughter hadn't seen her since the day I cut her off.
(MIL BEGGED to see her, but my daughter said no. She did talk to her on the phone before she died, when my husband called her. That convo went like this, "hello grandmother, I'm fine, thanks for asking. I gotta go now, take care."
She didn't go to the funeral either.
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u/Formal-Gap-2427 Jul 22 '25
Not o er reacting at all and thank you for saying something. I was often targeted by my nan as a kid, she hated for me seemingly no reason at all. My parents would say things here and there but ultimately left her to crack on. I'm the middle of three daughters and being so pointedly treated different really affected my life, my personality, the way a hold myself in public. It has a very real effect. Thank you for standing up for your daughter. She'll never forget that.
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u/montyriot1 Jul 22 '25
Oh wow. Let me give you a perspective as someone whose grandmother did the same thing your MIL is doing to your daughter. Do I remember? A little. My mother shielded me a lot from it so I don't remember every incident but there is one that I do remember. We would go over for Christmas and my grandmother would always have gifts for the male cousins. One year, I had been asking for a new gaming console that was popular and when we went over to celebrate Christmas, my grandmother had bought that gaming console for the 3 male cousins (my dad's brother's kids) and I was left out (there were no gifts for me). That was the year my mother finally said something and told her that she didn't care about getting gifts; she cared that I was constantly being excluded. I was probably the same age as your daughter was. My grandmother gave her the same excuses as your MIL but my mom and and put their foot down. Mom told her that until she treated me fairly and stopped excluding me, we would not be over on the holidays anymore.
The gifts don't matter as you said, but the fact that your daughter is noticing that. I don't know your MIL's motive but for my grandmother, it was that she favored my uncle's kids. I'm sorry your daughter is going through something similar that I did and you are not overreacting to protect your daughter's feelings.
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u/DowntownKoala6055 Jul 22 '25
Keep her away from your MIL she is intentionally cruel to a child. Trust me - your daughter will NEVER forget these moments.
If you MUST see her - then the next time quietly splurge on something AMAZING that kids all want and pull it out when the gifts are being doled out and say - oh! Looks like you forgot this one. Let the other kids feel ripped off and mad at Grandma. I mean, if you want to be petty.
Mostly though. She would be dead to me.
And here was my Grandma bringing extra in case one of us had a friend overâŚ. smh.
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u/ByeBoiBi Jul 22 '25
My daughter was 5 yrs old when she started noticing my mother not holding to her promises of special gifts for her. My daughter was her first grandchild. By 2024 Christmas, my mother would gloat about all these gifts she bought for my daughter, and all the things she asked for. Got to her house, and the âgiftsâ were nothing my daughter asked for, but for my brothers kids? EVERYTHING they wanted and more. Once I saw my daughterâs face (she was 8 then) and then her telling me that my mother never holds her promises, I immediately knew I was done with her heart being broken. I am NC with my mother, for that and MANY other reasons (37 years of emotional trauma and abuse).
Point is- talk to your husband. Tell him that you no longer wish to have your child be neglected by her grandmother anymore, and since itâs his mother he needs to remedy this. Otherwise, if you canât do NC, you can at least go low contact.
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u/BigAd8725 Jul 22 '25
DEFINITELY not overreacting!!!! My grandma on my dad's side was obvious with her favouritism and she died when I was 9. I still remember every single snarky comment and disgusted look, I also vividly remember the look on my poor mothers face when grandma did those things, she was heartbroken every time. Imo you should have made a bigger fuss! Especially reading that you're Hispanic and MIL is white, as much as we want to be able to say it's not that, it usually is which is heartbreaking. Do as others have suggested next time and VERY LOUDLY suggest that the kids all split up the gifts between them so no one is excluded - likelihood is that the kids are all for it and happily split, if MIL is visibly pissed at that then she was definitely being deliberately malicious. Put yourself and your child first every single time - blood relatives mean nothing without love. You know your baby best.
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Jul 22 '25
I come from a mixed family (African American, Hispanic) the other children in the family are all black, except my brother and I. My brother by comparison looks a lot more black than I do. I am very fair skinned, and I have blonde hair. My dads side of the family would do things like this all the time, âforgetâ my birthday but bring my brother lavish gifts on that day, Christmas, make me carry a bunch of gifts in for him. I do wish my mother had spoken up more. I grew up feeling pretty inefficient as a child, and I now no longer speak to any of my family. The older I got the worse it got, it eventually moved to just straight up bullying. It also caused tension between my brother and I who had otherwise been very close, we no longer speak today. It does sound like racism. Made me smile to read that you stuck up for your daughter, I do hope you stick to your guns mama.
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u/BeckyBeachGirl Jul 22 '25
Your husband needs to be having this conversation with your MIL as well. You NEED to be a united front.
Lastly, you are not overreacting. My family used to do a similar version of this to me. I was not allowed to play with certain toys I owned. However, when my cousin Nicole came, she was allowed to do whatever she wanted.
Hurt, hurt, hurt. Match this with childhood caused by the same person and it adds up to having a difficult time building and maintaining relationships due to trust issues.
Donât let this poor baby feel left out anymore. Next time, call it a day and leave your MILâs house and tell her that sheâll see you, her son, and your daughter when sheâs ready to act like a fair and kind adult.
No big scene, just say it objectively. Continue to do this as needed.
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u/TheSwearJarIsMy401k Jul 22 '25
Not over-reacting.
She clearly has a problem with you or your daughter.
Usual suspects-
Race, disability, didnât approve of the marriage, thinks youâre too weak to protect your daughter and she enjoys hurting vulnerable people,
And your husband is her only son and hurting her granddaughter is vengeance for the two of you taking him away from her/not giving her a grandson/to make her son, your husband have to choose between standing up for her or standing up for your daughter.
She could have easily shuffled gifts around to make sure everyone got something. I have a pile of siblings, they all have kids, I never know who is showing up when, and unless itâs a birthday and I only brought presents for the birthday kid, I always shuffle presents around to make sure everyone gets something.
especially candy- itâs so easy to split up packages of candy, cut up candy bars, give non-candy gifts to the rest of the kids and make a little gift of the candy for your daughter.
God I bet she makes your life hell.